Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters,

I’m writing in because I know my family reads this column every week.

This is something I’m super-stressed about with Pesach coming up and hopefully you could help me.

I got back from seminary two years ago, and I am the youngest in my family. Every Pesach, my married sister and brother move in with us, and it stresses me out. Their kids are all over the place, and when I have dates, I have no privacy to get ready. The kids peek out of the windows. Last year, my oldest nephew flew a drone over the car as I left on a date on chol hamoed and played the video over to us later that night as entertainment. The season starts the week before Pesach even starts – so starting about now I am having anxiety saying yes to any dating ideas. My siblings love being in the know, and if I go on a date, it is all they talk about.

Should I take a break and put off dating until everybody leaves?

My second issue is frustration at my parents: This whole situation is so not fair to me! Why do they have to have my siblings over year after year when they see what happens every time?

Thanks for listening. Sarala*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Sarala, your frustration is legitimate. You are entitled to your privacy. Your dates are just that –your dates. They should not be the subject of family discussion and knowledge. You feel disrespected.

It’s time for you to sit down and talk to your parents about the privacy and respect you and your dating life deserves. This should not just be about this Pesach and the young family’s presence. There are some more general issues here that have to be dealt with.

I sense mounting anger, not just frustration. A conversation that comes out of bottled-up anger that finally expresses itself does not go well, even if you are justified. You want to be heard and respected, not just right.

I would suggest a careful conversation with your parents. Prepare for it. Prepare your script. Practice it in front of a mirror if you have to. Express your need for privacy that must be respected. Tell them that you will not be dating so long as your sister’s family is in the house. Pesach is a time when families do get together. You should acknowledge that and respect it, too. At the same time, ask your parents to refrain from discussing your dating life with other family members. This way, you are acknowledging their needs and are giving them a window into your needs which extend way beyond this Pesach. They probably know that there hasn’t been enough accommodation for your needs in the past and will cooperate. Demonstrate maturity and grace while you are firm. You make the decision not to date while they are there and tell them so and why. Show that you respect the family gathering Pesach time but do tell them that you need your privacy going forward.

At an opportune moment, you may choose to tell your sister that you will not be dating while her family is in residence. The reason to do so is to use the opportunity to tell her that you generally need more privacy in your dating life. She should not expect to be kept in the loop going forward until things get very serious.

Express your needs. Be proactive and clear the air with dignity. The situation has gotten totally out of hand but you be the mature one.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Sarala, thank you for your poignant question, which will undoubtedly be the topic of many this Pesach in particular. With most people your parents’ age having gotten both vaccines, hosting Pesach might be the first opportunity for family to get together in a long time.

We know Hashem does not give us tests that we cannot handle. Even more so, we know that Hashem sometimes tests us in ways which force us to improve. In this case, I believe the message might be for you to lighten up, roll with the punches, and learn to walk in others’ shoes.

You coincidentally “lucked out” to be born as the baby in your family. Had you been born the oldest you would be on the exact other end of this story. Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, a”h, noted often that there is no word for “fair” in the Torah. This is because human beings can’t possibly fathom or start to cheshbon out what is truly fair.

You grew up in a different world than your older sister did. She grew up sharing a bedroom with other rowdy siblings, fighting for the bathroom in the morning, subconsciously preparing for the ultimate commotion being a mom of young ones entails. You, on the other hand, are the baby of the family. You seem to have grown up in peace and quiet without the need to share your space, or your room, with anyone.

To this, I ask you: Is it fair that your sister had years of commotion and unrest, in comparison with your years of quiet and individualized attention? Once we start to cheshbon out what is fair, the sky’s the limit. Do you see where I’m going with this?

To illustrate the point further, I would like you to imagine the scene. You are the oldest in your family, and you, your husband, and four kids work hard all year and are tired out. You are all very excited to have a two-week respite at Bubby and Zaidy’s house for Pesach. Your loving and doting parents want to shower your kids with love, treats, and a more lenient schedule than everyone is used to. The kids are excited to be with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings – especially the youngest aunt who is the single, cool one.

You and your husband have a well-deserved break after a year of running on empty, and take your parents up on many opportunities for peace and quiet for the two of you while they hold the fort. Little do you know, this peace and quiet time for you and your husband is coming at the cost of a bit more rowdiness around your younger single sister (and sometimes, while she is leaving on a date). You probably don’t even realize this commotion is going on while you are out for alone time with your hubby. You love your sister very much and are excited to hear of a shidduch prospect in the works, so you ask about it over yom tov.

Can you see how this scenario could have been completely turned around had you been born first?

I hope I have provided you with a shift in perspective which you can use to understand your sister and her family better. Learn to be flexible, count your blessings, and be happy for others. Enjoy the once-a-year hubbub of cute kids and action around. If the guy you date is bothered by it, what does that say about his potential to be a fun and interactive dad?

Side note: The drone story is a bit much, but certainly is a hilarious story to tell on a date (it’s always good to have funny content!).

One piece of practical advice to end off with: Do not make a big deal about this. Keep dating, but go out from a quiet mentor’s or married friend’s house if the commotion bothers you so much. No need to be the Debbie Downer during a wonderful Pesach spent with family.

Lighten up, roll with the punches, and learn to walk in others’ shoes.

The Single

Rivka Weinberg

Sarala, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to go from having a quiet and calm house to feeling like everything is turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

Privacy in shidduchim is important and helps the already challenging process become a little more comfortable. Going on a date is nerve-racking, and taking the time prior to the date to follow your routine and be in the right frame of mind is key to putting your best foot forward. With your nieces and nephews everywhere and drones flying from above, it probably takes a toll on your mood, ultimately impacting the way you show up on the date. That’s a problem.

Before I continue further, I would like to take a minute to point out how much of a bracha it is that your siblings are married and have children. Wow, what a zechus! Do you realize how many people daven and cry to Hakadosh Baruch Hu to be in the place you’re in right now? Yom tov is approaching, and your married siblings are coming with their families – such nachas for you and your parents. It’s important to take advantage of the time you have with your family and have hakaras hatov for all that you have in your life. Just to clarify, I’m not belittling your struggle, in fact, to a certain extent I can relate to it with my own family. I’m simply pointing out the beauty in the problem, which I believe to be often overlooked.

Back to the focus of your question, only you can decide for yourself if tak-

ing a break from dating is the right choice for you right now, and no one should persuade you one way or the other. You know yourself best and know whether or not you can handle the added stress brought by external forces. Keep in mind that Hakadosh Baruch Hu has a plan, so if you decide to take a break, don’t fear that you’re missing out on the chance to meet your zivug because this was already calculated in the process. With that said, it’s crucial that you express this to your parents and siblings. Explain to them that you don’t appreciate your shidduchim being the topic of conversation at the yom tov table and most definitely are not interested in the family-viewing playback from the drone. Although I believe your siblings and their children are excited for you and have your best interests in mind, you can thank them for that and kindly ask them to take a backseat in the process.

I imagine if you were to explain how you feel in a calm and respectful manner, your parents, who want you to get married so, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, you and your family can go to them for yom tov too, will see the effect it has on you and your shidduchim and not allow history to repeat itself.

I wish you much hatzlacha and hope you and your family have a beautiful and peaceful yom tov.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Sarala, you’re not going to like my opinion.

With the baseball season upon us, your letter had me thinking, “Three strikes and you’re out!”

Strike one

You complain that “The kids peek

out of the windows.” OK, I understand that dating is anxiety-provoking and that you’re very sensitive. But your nieces and nephews sound kind of cute. Instead of being annoyed, why don’t you smile and wave to them? What a wonderful way to gauge your date’s temperament. If he laughs good-naturedly, he’s a keeper. If he’s super-irritated, dump him. Strike two You complain about your nephew with the drone video. OK, I agree, that’s an over-the-top invasion of privacy. But, the very simple solution is to have a pre-Peach talk with your siblings, where you politely explain that you are anxious and sensitive and that they and their children should please respect your need for some space. Or, you can simply refrain from dating until after Pesach. Strike three You complain that “it’s not fair” and that your parents should not invite your siblings and their families for PePulling It All Together sach. I assume that you’re writThe Navidaters ing this out of frustration and Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists with what you

In the real world, you are not the center of the universe.

believe is justifiable outrage. Don’t be insulted, but that demand makes you sound like an over-indulged princess.

Please take a good look in the mirror. With your older siblings married, you have been an “only child” for a while, and the household has revolved around you and your needs. Please accept some constructive criticism: In the real world, you are not the center of the universe.

The real world is filled with rambunctious “kids all over the place” and loving family members who will tease you, pry into your affairs, invade your territory, and ignore your sensitivity.

My advice is to politely assert yourself and ask your family to please respect your privacy and give you some needed space. But, at the same time, accept the inevitable intrusions, teasing, and prying.

Smile, lighten up, and embrace your loving family.

Dear Sarala, Thank you for writing into our column! Having the status quo interrupted and your privacy invaded by flying drones is definitely frustrating and upsetting. Many young people who are dating have siblings who are the ages of your nieces and nephews and deal with these shenanigans more regularly. Perhaps, when this is the case, parents can discipline these young children more...but being that these are your parents’ precious grandchildren, it is may be that they feel it is not their place. Family dynamics are complicated and layered. Most wise grandparents who want to have a close relationship with their married children walk a fine line and very often choose to keep quiet about the behaviors of their grandchildren. And Bubby and Zeidy put in their years of discipline, tears, and heartache and now get to solely enjoy their grandchildren and let their parents deal with it. Grandchildren are the cherry on the delectable sundae. I understand that this is your home and your life, and this is super irritating. My instinct is telling me to suggest that you speak to your married sibling and not your parents. Ask your sibling to keep an eye on the kids while you’re leaving for your date. Certainly, everyone sitting around and watching you and your date in the car is not the right thing to do. As a matter of fact, it is insensitive and sending the wrong message to your nieces and nephews. Your married sibling is the parent, and it is the parent’s place to discipline the child. If this conversation is not well received, there is really not much you can do other than try to control the way you see things and perhaps where you are picked up. Ultimately, I think you will feel better about this entire situation if you can conceptualize it as a blip on the radar of your life. When we live with our parents, we really don’t have much control over what our parents choose and whom they invite to their home for the holidays. I’m not suggesting that any of this is OK, but what I am suggesting is that you will be happier if you can somehow accept the situation, breathe through it, and maybe even have a little chuckle.

If dating under these conditions is going to ruin your Pesach, then you may want to consider holding off on dating for the few days of the yom tov. Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.