10 minute read
Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters,
I know this is unconventional but I figured I’d ask the Navidaters since I read it every week on Shabbos.
My sister is in shidduchim, she’s 28, and a great girl but has yet to find “the one” – we’re waiting super eagerly to have a simcha! I’m in 8th grade and have been in class on Zoom all year so far and there is a girl in my class who uses her brother’s account. He sometimes comes in the room and I have noticed him multiple times. I have nonchalantly asked my classmate about him and I have learned he is the right age and in a great yeshiva. I want to set him up with my sister. Is that crazy? If so, how can I go about this without it being super awkward?
Tzippy*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin The Shadchan
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
You are a concerned sister and that is to be commended. Your caring shows. You have noticed a boy who you think is the right age and goes to a good yeshiva. There is more to a match than that, however. Middos, values, aspirations, personality, and communication styles are important qualities that have to fit.
Respectfully suggest to your parents that they look into your friend’s brother for your sister. That should not be awkward. I am sure that they are diligently doing their best to help your sister meet suitable young men and will welcome possible candidates. They will do their homework and work on it in the way if they think it’s a possible fit. They may consult a shadchan, a neighbor, or a community leader to suggest the shidduch to the parents of the boy.
It is very common for a shadchan and the original person who suggested a match to be two different people. The idea may come from a younger sister or someone else but the person to set them up will be another party.
I imagine that your comment about awkwardness is directed at your relationship with your sister. If you feel awkward about sharing the idea with her, let your parents tell her that you thought this boy might be suitable for her. I imagine that they will tell her after they do their research. The main thing is to communicate openly with your parents and take your cue from them as far as your sister is concerned. They know her for 28 years and talk to her about shidduchim all the time.
You would feel wonderful if indeed you turn out to be the shaliach for your sister’s shidduch. Remember that people date many other people until they find “the one.” Nonetheless, your sister will appreciate your thinking of her. Michelle Mond
That is so nice of you, Tzippy!
I’m super impressed that in the flurry of navigating COVID school, at-home learning, and Zoom quizzes you are managing to think outside of yourself. That is to be commended! I love that although you are still in grade school you like to read our column. Hopefully you are gleaning insight that will help you in many areas of life, but not shidduchim yet!
In regard to your specific question, setting up your classmate with your sister, I would advise you to hand this idea over to your parents.
One of the many shidduchim I’ve been zoche to make also had an interesting twist along the lines of your situation. After the glowing couple got engaged, I arrived at the l’chaim. People were wishing me mazel tov on the shidduch and a young girl approached me and said, “I was the shadchan, too!” Confused, I asked her for more details. The following is the story:
This awesome seventh grade girl, whom we’ll call Chani, was the chosson’s next door neighbor, and the girl he was engaged to was Chani’s “big sister” in the local big sister/little sister program. In this program, post-seminary aged girls who sign up get paired with a middle schooler to take them out once a week and serve as a mentor. Chani mentioned to her parents many times that her “big sister” should go out with the boy next door, but nobody took her seriously! Now that they are engaged, since Hashem clearly had used me as the kli to bring their shidduch together, she still felt very much a part of it, and told me this story.
So, Tzippy, back to your situation. If you feel that your parents are not taking you seriously, show them this week’s Navidaters column. Show them the story of the seventh grader who tried to make a shidduch and nobody listened. Hashem can make a shidduch come from anywhere. In May of 2014, a UPS delivery man was the shadchan for an amazing Chabad couple. Google it. You truly never know!
The Single
Rena Friedman
Tzippy, you are incredible for keeping an eye out for your older sister as she continues in the tekufah of shidduchim. I am sure your dedication to helping her find her zivug is something that means a tremendous amount to yourself and to your sister as well. I have an older sister who spent years in shidduchim, and I remember just wanting to solve what I believed was her “crisis.” However, I was young
and did not know how to appropriately navigate the system, so I figured the best thing I could do was daven to HaKadosh Baruch Hu and try to get my sister’s name out in the community. I spoke to my friends, my friends’ parents, the lady behind me in Gourmet Glatt – anyone who was willing to listen to me knew all about my sister, her accomplishments, and what she was looking for in a boy. Although at times it felt like I was speaking and no one was truly listening, I did not
If He is giving wrote, “This wouldn’t be a good call for and having shidduchim redt. your sister, right?” Although her hesi- I wish you and your sister much you the tation was not reassuring, I took every hatzlacha and encourage you to take potential to be suggestion for my sister seriously and kept my eyes peeled to the screen as I the leap to what could be the beginning of the end to your sister’s time in
His shaliach – read the detailed description. It was an shidduchim.
Thank you for writing in to The Navidaters! And thank you for reading every week! I think it’s great that young people like yourself read our column (with their parents’ permission, of course). It’s never too soon to open up a dialogue with your children about healthy relationships. awesome idea. I quickly replied, “Actutake advantage ally, I think it could be great!” The shidof the duch was redt, and not long thereafter they went on their first date. To make a opportunity. long story short, chasdei Hashem, they The Zaidy are seriously dating and iy”H we look forward to sharing besoros tovos in the impressed by you! You saw a guy, thought of him for your sister, and then went so far as to execute this email. Exemplary! Shidduchim come from Hashem. There are special people in the world, you amongst them, who take time out of their lives to think of othnear future! Dr. Jeffrey Galler allow that to get me down or distract me from achieving my goal. So, to answer your question: no, your idea is not crazy at all. Actually, Have you ever wondered what the Navidater columnists do in their
About two months ago, I was I wholeheartedly support it. Hashem spare time? speaking to a more recent friend of is mizaveg zivugim and if He is giving For the last month, we have been mine who is not so familiar with my you the potential to be His shaliach – secretly surveying 50 junior high sister. Although she had only met my take advantage of the opportunity! I school yeshiva girls, asking them, family briefly, I went along with my suggest reaching out to your rebbetzin, “What kind of work would you like to mantra and asked if she had any ideas a teacher, or someone who you believe be doing in ten years?” for my sister. She responded with the will listen to your idea and have them Our results were very interesting: classic “your sister sounds so great. redt the shidduch. *5 girls wanted to become speech I really wish I knew someone. I will They –whoever “they” is – al- therapists. keep thinking!” Slightly disappointed, ways say age is just a number, so why *5 girls wanted to become occupaas I have only heard that line about a shouldn’t that apply when it comes to tional therapists. million times before, we continued our being a shaliach of HaKadosh Baruch *5 girls wanted to become physical conversation. To my surprise, a few Hu? Each and every one of us has an therapists. days later, I received a text from this achrayus to actively play a role in *5 girls wanted to become physifriend with a description of a boy. Fol- thinking of ideas for those around us cians or dentists. lowing the description, she *5 girls wanted to become dental hygienists. *5 girls wanted to be-
Pulling It All Together come teachers. *5 girls wantThe Navidaters computer pro -
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Tzippy,
On a separate note, I am super
ed to become ers. I hope that your thoughts and efforts are deeply appreciated by everyone involved. I suggest mentioning this to your parents and asking them to take it seriously. So much goes into a shidduch so we need to work on monitoring your expectations (i.e., if it doesn’t work out, you’re OK...and if your parents don’t agree to look into it, you’ll also be OK).
Tzippy, you may be a natural grammers. *5 girls wanted to become graphic artists. *3 girls wanted to become lawyers. *3 girls wanted to become accountants. *2 girls weren’t sure what they wanted to become. *1 girl wanted to become an astronaut. *1 girl planned on winning the lottery and staying home to bake cookies.
Interestingly, not even one young lady expressed an interest in becoming a shadchan. So, the field seems to be wide open and might be an excellent career path for you.
Meanwhile, it’s great that you would like to help your older sister. (Are you sure that you don’t have an ulterior motive? Do you secretly look forward to getting your sister out of the house, and moving into her bigger bedroom, with all that extra closet space? Come on, you can tell us. We’re the Navidaters. We’ll keep it confidential.)
Anyway, make your friend your co-conspirator and proceed cautiously. First, make sure that your two subjects don’t already know, and dislike, each other. Second, very quietly and casually assess if your sister and your friend’s brother might be interested in each other. Third, bring your parents into your clandestine plot and ask them to get a professional shadchan involved.
And start thinking right now what your shadchan fee should be. I’ll bet your mind is already racing with the possibilities.
shadchan. It’s a tremendous mitzvah. And if you find you have a calling for this because of Zoom school and Corona...then a shadchan is born. Amazing!
Tizku l’mitzvos...and I know in my heart of hearts that you are going places! You’re a special girl, Tzippy. Your email warmed my heart and put a gigantic smile on my face. Thank you and all the best to you!
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
