Creating Stability in an Unstable World by Sara Rayvych

Parenting Pearls Creating Stability in an Unstable World

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Ibegan writing this article motzei yom tov, soon after we were suddenly declared a “red zone” and as we prepare to make a bar mitzvah this upcoming Shabbos, b’ezras Hashem. Many of us received an unpleasant chol hamoed shock as we were suddenly declared “red zones” or “orange zones,” previously unheard-of terms in our community. Even for those out of these unpleasantly colored areas, many of our community’s students attend schools in these areas and are therefore affected. We had begun to open our communities and gain a sense of normalcy when we suddenly experienced this unexpected pre-yom tov surprise.

As parents, an urgent question comes to the forefront of our minds: How do we maintain a sense of stability for our children in an unstable and ever-changing world?

None of us have the full answer to an unprecedented situation but I’d like to make some suggestions that I hope will help our families confront this challenging yet crucial question.

What can we do?

You can’t control a virus, and you can’t control what regulations get placed by the government. Even families that follow every rule of health and hygiene will get swallowed up with the whole when it comes to group regulations. You may be tempted to throw your hands up and say there’s nothing you can control and therefore nothing you can do. I will say there is something you can control – and that is where your role comes in.

You can control the tone in your home. As stormy as the seas may be, you can turn your home into a strong ship that safely navigates through the waves. I will further push my analogy and remind you that the course of the ship is maintained by the captain who guides and leads the crew.

It’s always important for children to feel safe and secure in their home. Now it’s even more important than ever. As the doors of other community institutions shut, your children rely on your home even more. It takes a village to raise a child but what do you do when the village is now limited? As members of the Jewish community we rely on our community institutions, particularly our schools and shuls, to be our village.

News

We live in a world where everyone is inundated with news and information. Children, even teenagers, are often unable to properly assimilate all the information they are exposed to on a daily basis. It’s overwhelming enough for adults but it’s beyond comprehension for young people.

You know your child and their personalities. Be careful how much news filters down to them and what they overhear you saying. They will pick up a lot from what they overhear in your conversation. Make sure you provide them with age-appropriate and accurate information. They don’t need to hear everything but they do need the truth explained in a clear and age-appropriate manner. Take time to first think over how you will explain it to them. Make sure they know they can come to you with their questions and give their concerns the attention it needs.

It’s hard to answer a child’s questions but it opens the door to your child having a safe person they can speak to and trust.

Routine

With any upheaval, routine tends to get tossed away. Try to keep whatever routine you can, even if it means creating a new, temporary one. I know some things will be upended but focus on what you can maintain. Perhaps school hours are different but meals, bedtimes, and bath-time can be the same. Maybe bedtime is off but their pre-bedtime story can be a constant. You don’t need to be rigid but it does give children some structure and security in an otherwise insecure situation. Add hugs into their day. Young children especially are soothed by being hugged.

New traditions

This might seem like the opposite of the previous paragraph but create new traditions, when old ones are impossible. When your old routine can’t be kept, then you have the opportunity to add new and meaningful traditions for your family. For example, when shuls were closed, we had a private family kiddush in our home before the meal. If your child can’t attend their usual parent-child learning program, create a special one at home. This is changing things from “no, we can’t do that” to “yes, we can do this.”

Captain Parent

Parents tend to underestimate the role they play in their child’s life. Just like we underestimate the role of the home, parents aren’t given their full due. You can have a much greater impact on your child than you realize. Now is the time to rise to your full height (even if you’re petite like me) and appreciate your full power.

Children, especially younger children, receive their cues from their parents. When their parent is calm and relaxed, then they are, too. Many of you may have heard of the many studies done on child development and attachment which show that little ones will turn to their adult and read their adult’s cues to figure out how to respond to a new situation. As an example, if a relative they’ve never met before approaches them with a gift, you will see the child’s eyes quickly look towards their parent. If the parent is smiling and calm, then the child will realize the gift is safe to take. If the parent looks scared or hesitant, then the child will turn fearful. Use this knowledge to your full advantage.

By focusing on yourself and your role in the family you can have an exponential effect in your home. First, do what you can to maintain your own equilibrium, as hard as it may be. There have been plenty of articles on self-care and now is the time to whip them out. See what you need to keep yourself feeling some inner peace. A little attention to yourself can go a long way. If you’re calm and feeling capable, then you’ll find your children will be calmer, following your lead.

Let’s be honest – parents are human. There! I’ve said it and put it in print. It’s only natural that parents will have their own fears, hesitations, concerns, anger, and uncer-

tainty. Don’t deny your feelings but acknowledge them and work through them before approaching your child. Be aware of how you appear in your speech, actions, and attitude in front of your child as you’re working through your own feelings. Remember that you have a tremendous impact on your children and you set the mood in your home. In fact, older children may feel comforted hearing that you also were scared at first but are now calmer. They can take this cue from you, as well.

Consider taking up a new hobby or do something you enjoy. Exercise is wonderful and helps you get out the tension that builds up. Don’t neglect healthy eating. You’ll feel better, and sugar tends to give many people mood swings. Do what you need to feel pampered, calm, and ready for the world.

When you need more

Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional. Keep tabs on your loved ones. If someone is having trouble coping there is no shame in speaking with a professional. Not only is it always confidential, now you don’t even need to go to an office but can get professional help over the phone or Zoom. Additionally, it’s more affordable than ever. Our community is blessed to have so many organizations available to help.

Do consider some extra support for yourself. If you see you’re having trouble coping or being there for your family, then don’t hesitate. When you’re strong, the family is strong. A little help for yourself can go a long way in giving the rest of your family a stable parent. Consider it an investment in yourself and your family.

It saddens me to write this but I’d be negligent if I didn’t. Many people,

As stormy as the seas may be, you can turn your home into a strong ship that safely navigates through the waves.

particularly teens, have been finding unhealthy ways to cope. Be extra conscious of what your children are doing, what their needs are and don’t hesitate to ask for help if you’re unsure. We have many professionals who understand our community and our needs and are only a phone call away. Ohel (800) 603-OHEL, Amudim (646) 517-0222 and Achiezer (516) 791-4444 are just a few of the many organizations that are there for our community.

As the parent, you have a tremendous opportunity to give your children the stability and love they need in an unstable and frightening world. The home you build and the presence you provide can help them weather this storm.

On a very different note, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish a tremendous mazel tov to my son, Levi Yitzchok. You’re reaching this milestone under different circumstances than we expected but we’re so proud of how mature you’ve become and how you’re smiling through it.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.

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