HIT

What we love

Pride Month

JUNE

A month designated to loving who you want is a month we LOVE. Every month, but especially this month, celebrate who you are, and who you love, and we will celebrate you.

Barbie

JULY 21

We here at Jerk have collectively watched the trailer a billion times. We still have no clue what it’s about but yes, we will be in theaters on July 21, popcorn in hand ready to see Margot Robbie slay as the Barbie of our dreams.

The Little Mermaid

MAY 26

A live-action version of The Little Mermaid, where Ariel is played by Halle Bailey is something we can get behind. Not only is Halle Bailey a goddess of a singer, but we also can’t wait for the childhood nostalgia to kick in as she sings Part of Your World on the big screen.

Lollapalooza

AUGUST 3-6

The Midwest is not some place we would USUALLY advise you to go. But, for all the indie and alt-music-loving folks out there who have been waiting for your time to go to a music festival, your time has come! From Noah Kahan and Billie Eilish to Lana Del Rey and The 1975, Lollapalooza has a stacked setlist. And aside from Chicago itself, this might be the only time worthy of taking a trip to the Midwest.

Commencement

MAY 14

This one is a sad one. We are not ready to say goodbye to our seniors, especially our senior Jerks! It’s a bit rude, graduation has sprung on us so fast. The beginning of the semester feels like just yesterday and now we are mentally preparing to see our favorite seniors walk across the stage and get their diplomas — yes, there will be tears.

DONALD TRUMP’S BIRTHDAY

JUNE 14

That’s right folks, Trump is a Gemini. On behalf of Jerk , we apologize to our Gemini readers and especially those sharing the birthday of June 14th. We personally will not be celebrating Trump’s birthday when it rolls around, and are a bit offended that Trump has a summer birthday.

National Grape Popsicle Day

MAY 27

We love popsicles just as much as the next guy, but can someone tell us why we are designating one whole day to celebrate specifically grape popsicles? Jerk cannot condone National Grape Popsicle Day. Grape popsicles are bottom-tier and the lies have to stop.

What we hate

Aries Gemini

Oh my feisty little Aries lovebugs! Whether it’s making time to revamp yourself or pursuing a super chic internship, you will definitely have something to look forward to as the semester draws to a close, and into the summer.

Your delusions sometimes get the best of you, my whimsical Tauruses, so we want to act as a helping hand. Live in the moment and focus on you, not the unhygienic frat boy who’s never going to satisfy your needs!

Geminis. Seeking out drama is not a healthy trait, and it’s especially not something you have the time for. Maybe instead of trying to settle a dispute over something that does not concern you, you could be studying for that upcoming exam! Lord knows you need to.

Cancer Leo Virgo

You Cancers have an amazing, yet vulnerable characteristic of always seeing the best in people. We suggest really studying behaviors and looking for telltale signs that someone does not have your back early on before you get hurt!

We know it’s hard to step away from the spotlight, but others need a chance to shine sometimes too. Trust us when we say that you are and always will be fascinating, and it is not necessary for you to make things up in order to keep the rest of us interested.

Ouch. We can feel your pain and desperation for a break. Don’t be hesitant to make time for self care. Even though it’s difficult for you Virgos, we promise that rest is exactly what you need right now if you plan to stay afloat.

Libra Scorpio Sagittarius

My silly, enticing Libras — let’s have a quick chat. We all know you’re big instigators, but maybe we could insert ourselves in a more constructive manner? If you want to “spice up” your friend’s love life, consider putting their best interests forward instead of your own.

We’re aware that your SOM class is challenging, but it is not worth the hours upon hours of complaining. Try to center your attention elsewhere — perhaps the cute boy who lives on your floor? Sincerely, your besties at Jerk (xoxo).

We hate to break this to you, but your life isn’t a movie. No one is following you around with a camera, so stop doing things for the so-called “plot!” You’re always entertaining — don’t feel pressured to make rogue choices, my perfect Sagittarius superstars!

Capricorn Aquarius Pisces

Curious Capricorns — switch things up if you can! For instance, go out to dinner at Alto Cinco on a random Wednesday with your gals or even find a new boy toy to mess around with. We know change can be hard, but it beats being bored!

Our favorite eccentric sign, the world is your oyster, and we encourage you to take more advantage of it. Lean into this more by joining or creating a new club, finding a new hobby, or starting a new fashion trend. Go crazy, we know you want to!

Words by Nadia Weller | Art By Katie Cefalo

Alright you precious, procrastinating Pisces, you have no reason to be so overwhelmed. We guarantee that everyone else is in the same boat as you whether you want to believe it or not. Try to talk it out with someone who also relates before you implode!