Jerk December 2012

DECEMBER 2012 VOL XII ISSUE III SYRACUSE, NEW YORK your student fee

Style by Laurent Philippon, Bb. Editorial Stylist.

CONTENTS DECEMBER 2012 7 FROM THE EDITOR 8 9 10 11 12 13

14

Trolls and stick wands.

FEEDBACK PEEPS JERK THIS BACKDROP Lights on the Lake WEB SHOUT OUT TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL New Year's Resolutions OBITCHUARY Original PokĂŠmon Cartridges

20 ARTIFICIAL REALITY Real World needs a reality check.

21 APOCALYPSE NOW The world is not ending.

22 14

22 I CAN HAZ CATS

15 FRAMED

30

Some call it silly. We call it progress.

Untitled

38

30 COLD BLOOD BROTHERS 62 SYNAPSE

Look no further than Bird Library for the next episode of Crocodile Dundee.

Hobbit Heaven

63 SPEAKEASY The Dunkin' Ladies

64 DISCOVERSYR

46

Speach Family Candy Shoppe.

46 STITCH

66 FORM AND FUNCTION

Riding pants help you stay warm and stylish.

16 So much snow, and no one to sled in it.

17 CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF BULLSHIT Why our beloved weathermen are sticking around.

18 THE BITING TRUTH More psychiatric labels doesn't mean more treatment.

52

35

16 SLIPPERY SLOPE

35 NO STRINGS ATTACHED

24 24 BROKEN PROMISES The Onondaga's Two Row Wampum Treaty is a onesided deal

How to Dress for a Holiday Dinner

The people and puppets behind the Open Hand Theater's Amahl and the Night Visitors.

52 SLACKADEMICS Games for procrastinating.

58 REWIND

48

Crystal Castles

60 AMPLIFIED 48 THE ARCHITECT 38 BARE NECESSITIES With winter accessories, less is definitely more.

Freddy Moore's journey from struggling on the streets to building cities.

Carolyn Kelly Blues Band

61 SEX COLUMN Granny porn and public sex.

DECEMBER 2012 VOL XII ISSUE III SYRACUSE, NEW YORK your student fee

FROM THE EDITOR Christina Sterbenz EDITOR

Kelly Peters EXECUTIVE EDITOR EDITORIAL

Megan Griffo ASST. FEATURES EDITOR Melissa Goldberg ARTS & MUSIC EDITOR Shea Garner ASST. ARTS & MUSIC EDITOR Daisy Becerra OPINIONS EDITOR Rob Marvin ASST. OPINIONS EDITOR Sarah Schuster STYLE EDITOR Noah Silverstein STYLE EDITOR Victoria Troxler RESEARCH EDITOR Laura Cohen COPY EDITOR Lauryn Botterman COPY EDITOR Leigh Miller FACT CHECKER Kerey Morris FEATURES EDITOR

WEB

Nicole Fisher WEB EDITOR Joelle Hyman WEB RESEARCH Charlotte Stockdale BLOG EDITOR Charlie Ecenbarger BLOG EDITOR Julia Fuino

EXECUTIVE WEB EDITOR

MULTIMEDIA

Ausrine Plioplys Elise DeLoy, Rosie Angelo, Sara Easterling

MULTIMEDIA DIRECTOR MULTIMEDIA STAFF

BUSINESS

Nicole Inniss AD DIRECTOR Patrick Brennan REPRESENTATIVES Meghan Burns, Nikeya Alfred, Perri Fetner, Elizabeth Pisarenko PUBLISHER

AD

DESIGN

Alex Vitale Chris Guimarin DESIGNERS Devry Drosky, Tierney Latella, Alex LoGrasso, Talia Roth CREATIVE DIRECTOR DESIGN DIRECTOR

ART

Gabi Hastings Alyssa Greenberg PHOTOGRAPHERS Rachel Fisher, Brian Brister, Kristina Subsara ILLUSTRATORS Jaycee Checo, Esther Coonfield, Adam Day, Jack McGowan, Hansol Kim ILLUSTRATION DIRECTOR

PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

PODCAST

Charlie Ecenbarger Julia Fuino, Lakota Sky Gambill, Victoria Kezra, Melissa Nawokski, Chelsey Perry EXECUTIVE PRODUCER PODCAST STAFF

CONTRIBUTORS

Emily Rhain Andrews, Cassandra Baim, Zerina Buljubasic, Kirsten Celo, AbbyLeigh Charbonneau, Sean Cotter, Megan Dreisbach, Lara Gould, Iona Holloway, Aminah Ibrahim, Altan James, Davina Kang, Derek Kirch, Judy Lee, Emmie Martin, Emma McAnaw, Annemarie Menna, Meg O'Malley, Nancy Oganezov, Austen Radcliff, Andrew Renneisen, Natasha Schuyler, Cheryl Seligman, Gauraa Shekhar, Megan Skibiel, Kyle Suba, Zoey Topper, Val Wasserstein, Brandon Weight, Sheridonna Wilson-Bedell, Annie Zhang

Jerk is dedicated to enhancing insight through communication by providing an informal platform for the freedom of expression. The writing contained within this publication expresses the opinions of the individual writers. The ideas presented in this publication do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Jerk Editorial Board. Furthermore, Jerk will not be held responsible for the individual opinions expressed within. Submissions, suggestions, and opinions are welcomed and may be printed without contacting the writer. Jerk reserves the right to edit or refuse submissions at the discretion of its editors. Jerk Magazine is published monthly during the Syracuse University academic year. All contents of the publication are copyright 2012 by their respective creators. No content may be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the Jerk Editorial Board. This magazine was made possible with the support of Campus Progress, a project of the Center for American Progress, online at CampusProgress.org.

4 JERK

•

12.12

Sitting on my dad’s shoulders gives me the best vantage point for spotting trolls. As we stroll under the canopy of maples in our backyard, I see one.

Assuming the usual attack position, I hold my wand as far in front of me as my 6-year-old arms allow.

“Pssshhhh!” I shout with purpose, like a general leading my troops into battle. But I miss.

On the offensive now, my dad snaps twigs as he walks, and we discuss strategies aloud. “There’s one!” he yells. A troll with dark, matted fur appears in my peripherals. “Pssshhhh!” I shout again. As the wand’s energy makes contact with this horrid monster, it disappears. “Great aim, honey!” my dad says, and we continue our prowl through the woods.

Even at age 6, I knew the difference between reality and fantasy. Regardless, my dad and I spent innumerable afternoons pretending. With a little imagination, trolls skulked around my backyard and an ordinary stick transformed into a wand. As we age, we lose this wonderful capability—to create impossible stories in our heads and believe them. While indulging in silliness nourishes the soul, imagining has practical applications, too. Freddy Moore, the face of the Noise feature on page 48, landed a VPA scholarship making miniature cities from erasers. Pledging to work on his models 21 hours every day, his dedication and passion touched me. And if J.R.R. Tolkien never ventured into Middle-earth, no hobbits would grace our theater screens on Dec. 14. If the fourth film doesn't satisfy you, check Synapse on page 60 for even more fantastical stories in the media.

Finals don’t leave a lot of time for daydreaming, but I implore everyone to let his or her mind wander. Your thoughts might surprise you. And you can start with this issue of Jerk. Head to page 50 for six pages of games straight from the children’s menu. Check online at jerkmagazine.net for the answers. Unfortunately, my childhood only exists in distant memories. As I careen into my last semester at Syracuse, I know employers crave innovation and creativity. For me, that started in my backyard with a stick.

Keep dreaming,

JERK

•

12.12 5

FEEDBACK

PEEPS Besides unshaven faces and binges of gluttony, November brought fresh content for Jerk. Despite midterms and quarter-lifecrisis breakdowns, our readers still found time to comment on our issue. Here's what campus had to say: To the Jerk Magazine Editorial Board: An article in the October 2012 issue of Jerk magazine related to sexual violence has resulted in a great deal of conversation and concern among staff and volunteers of the Advocacy Center at Syracuse University. Placing fault on the person who is victimized rather than holding those responsible who make the choice to disrespect and ignore the voices of those they target helps to perpetuate a culture that accepts that rape will happen and does not work to prevent these very traumatic crimes from occurring. Sexual assault is an act of violence, not a result of miscommunication.

Examining why we do have so many myths and misconceptions about rape will lead to greater understanding of this crime and effective ways to prevent additional harm. We welcome dialogue with Jerk Magazine staff and readers to explore these very sensitive and very critical issues.

TAP THIS Jerk Magazine 126 Schine Student Center Syracuse, NY 13244

Sincerely, Janet Epstein and Jill Sneider, The Advocacy Center

ABBYLEIGH CHARBONNEAU

IONA HOLLOWAY

AbbyLeigh Charbonneau may be Jewish, but her

Iona Holloway’s sister gave her a Build Your Own

favorite holiday is Christmas. “We get a tree and

Boyfriend kit for Christmas last year. The senior

decorate it with blue and white,” she says. “I grew

from Glasgow, Scotland appreciated the gesture,

up believing in Santa.” A lifetime supply of sushi

but has slightly different items on this year’s

would top her Christmas list this year. But just

list: “A green card, closely followed by a job at a

in case Rudolph veers off course, Jerk gave her

magazine in NYC,” she says. Okay, so Jerk might

the next best thing—an exclusive interview with

not have citizenship-granting powers yet, but we

Schine’s Dunkin’ Donuts ladies, listen in on the

can provide her with the experience she’ll need

conversation on page 61.

to land that dream job. Read her feature about domesticating alligators on page 28.

Tedi Doychinova @gonzite @jerkmagazine turning to shit. 1st perpetrating rape culture by

jerk@jerkmagazine.net jerkmagazine.net

writing tht no could mean yes & now using pussy as a negative by the editor Nov. 14 Kerry Wolfe @KerryMWolfe Seriously loving the animal communicator article in the latest @jerkmagazine Nov. 13 Justin Rivera @mysonjustin

NATASHA SCHUYLER

ZOEY TOPPER

Really enjoyed this issue #jerkmagazine pic.twitter.com/myTNICo8

Natasha Schuyler wants one thing for Christmas

Zoey Topper only wears socks with hearts on them.

Nov. 14

this year. Well, actually three—Digimon seasons

It’s her thing. “One Valentine’s Day my mom bought

one through three to be exact. But till the 25th,

me five pairs of them, and it sort of just went from

she’ll only be able to watch it on Hulu—in

there,” she says. The senior public relations major

Japanese. In the meantime, the junior magazine

from Long Island, N.Y., is a fashion guru with a

journalism major, hailing from Rome, N.Y.,

fervor for boots and all things Urban Outfitters.

celebrates the holiday season with shortbread

This month she shared her styling expertise with

cookies, White Christmas, and all the “gaming

us—minus the heart socks. See her work in Form &

shit” she can get her hands on. Flip to page 46 for

Function on page 64.

her profile of senior Freddy Moore.

6 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 7

DECEMBER

THIS MONTH'S STAFF-APPROVED EVENTS Walk the Moon at Schine Underground

27th Annual Gingerbread Gallery at Erie Canal Museum

1

Every day this month offers a chance to stroll through a gingerbread world of wonderfulness. Decorated like an 1800s street scene, the museum houses over 40 locally baked gingerbread houses. And they all sit in mini store windows, making this the cutest—dare we say yummiest—$5 activity of the season.

The University Union Bandersnatch headliners, Walk the Moon, bring a little color to Schine Underground—the boys paint their faces before coming onstage. Don’t forget your neon colors and ecstasy! (Note: Jerk does not promote the use of neon colors or ecstasy.)

5

7th Annual "HoliGAY" Party Celebrate the holiday season with pride at the "HoliGAY" party. This LGBT Resource Centersponsored shindig is free and fabulous, but we suggest bringing some food to share. The event runs from 7:30 to 9:30 p.m.

Sauce Boss at Dinosaur Bar-B-Que

Trexx Nightclub and Visionary Mindz Annual Toys for Tots Drive

7

Because giving can get you all hot and bothered, Trexx Nightclub and Visionary Mindz join forces for their annual Toys for Tots Drive.

If you’re 18 or older, bring an unwrapped gift to the nightclub to meet someone you’d like to unwrap.

31 Earth, Wind & Fire at Turning Stone Resort & Casino Event Center Get funky this New Year’s Eve with a little help from Earth, Wind & Fire. If you find a better way to ring in the new year than shaking your booty to “Boogie Wonderland,” we’ll eat this issue. Show starts at 8 p.m.

8 JERK

•

12.12

6

13

The only thing better than rock music—rock music and meat.

Not only does the Sauce Boss cook up a mean gumbo with his own special sauce for free, he does it with guitar in hand, turning a dinner into a full on rager. Come by Dinosaur at 10 p.m. and join the party.

National Chocolate Covered Anything Day Celebrate this glorious occasion by drizzling your favorite chocolate on strawberries, pretzels, bananas, or whatever your heart desires. Don’t be afraid to get a little crazy— when we say chocolate covered anything, we mean literally anything.

16

Gingerbread Garllery. blog.syracuse.com. 9 Nov 2012; Walk The Moon. facebook.com.9 Nov 2012; Trexx Nightclub. googabar.com. 9 Nov 2012; Dinosaur's BBQ. wikipedia.org. 9 Nov 2012; National Chocolate Covered Anything Day. geekosystem.com. 9 Nov 2012; Earth, Wind and Fire. soultrain.com 9 Nov 2012

JERK THIS

BACKDROP Wegmans Lights on the Lake Two electric miles of holiday cheer.

The events run now through Sunday, Jan. 6.

On Monday-Thursday, it's $10 per car; $15 on weekends. On Mondays and Tuesdays, though, your Wegmans Shoppers Club Card gets you a $4 discount.

Santa and friends greet visitors. With holiday music ringing in the background, Saint Nick poses with families, friends, and their pets. Drive-thru visitors can play Sunny 102 to hear tunes throughout their lit journey.

The 275 scenes are broken into eight sections including Santa's Workshop, Under the Sea, and the Wide World of Sports.

By Nicole Fisher : Photos by Andrew Renneisen On a late Thursday afternoon, construction pulling gifts, a larger-than-life fantasy forest, workers assemble the last parts of a tall and more. The drive-by experience includes entrance arch. Smiling penguins in party the tallest freestanding 31-foot tall Wizard of hats, a mechanical waving elf, and flashing Oz display; Santa in a submarine—the oldest candy canes stand regally as the workers display; and new additions like a basketball finish the final pieces of a princess’s flowing scene with orange-lit jerseys. The 275 scenes yellow hair. The workers carefully adjust her shimmer along the trail that reached 41,587 wire frame, step back to observe their handy cars on its busiest night last year. The traffic work, and with simultaneous nods, decide raised $316,028.

After Jan. 6 the construction workers will their job is done.

These wire creations line two miles of be back. The 15 to 20-person team will tear Onondaga Lake’s shore for Wegmans 23rd down everything—from the magically lit annual Lights on the Lake display. The setup snow tubes, to the Fairytale Magic Grand doesn't just happen overnight—the process Finale to the Victorian village. Until next year, began in early September and continued until the Syracuse ritual string of lights will sit in a the Nov. 13 public walk through. The 600,000 warehouse, waiting for the holiday season to holiday lights illuminate horse carriages approach once again. JM JERK

•

12.12 9

WEB SHOUT OUT

SCAN ME

TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL It’s the holiday season. Celebrate, be merry, and chug vino. But before you start ripping into that new iPad or beer money, let Jerk prepare you for that one day (or eight nights) of family bonding.

Get ready to unwrap some new originals at jerkmagazine.net.

Make 'em and break 'em.

Self-help gurus always peg the new year as an opportunity to “reinvent yourself.” A fresh start, a clean slate, a new chapter—or just another opportunity to get smashed and kiss strangers. Either way,

MULTIMEDIA

you’re never too old to make (and break) these annual yet dreaded resolutions. Jerk asked 50 students in Bird Library about their plans for the new year and the habits they swear they’ll finally break this time around—if Earth survives past Dec. 21.

Jerk’s multimedia team is up and running for the holidays! To be honest, they're always filming. Like Stitch, our DIY fashion page? Head to our website to watch behind the scenes footage of the making of Stitch for every issue. We keep these guys busy.

What’s the significance of starting a new year?

36% New attitude—I won't be a bitch. I won't.

30% New classes—You have plenty of time to raise that GPA—again.

12% New reputation—Hey, you’ve only hooked up with one person this year. And it’s already 12:03.

22% It doesn’t matter—The world’s ending anyway.

COLUMNS

Which celebrity resolution would the world appreciate most in 2013?

WEB EXCLUSIVE

24% Ann Coulter takes a vow of silence.

Jerk took Pearl Harbor's anniversary seriously. Read

46% Honey Boo Boo promises to leave everyone alone

stop at nothing to make sure you have the deets on

Smut editor Megan Griffo's examination of Post-

and just go to elementary school.

music news. Check out our new column, Replay, for

traumatic stress disorder plaguing soldiers and

14% Ryan Reynolds (or an equally hot male) vows to

the low-down on up-and-comers like Sky Ferreira,

veterans of all ages. Visit jerkmagazine.net for the

RiFF RAFF, and Indie fam-band, Haim. Come back

full feature.

each week to tell your homies "I told you so" about the newest music superstars.

Editor Christina Sterbenz fell in love with Freddy Moore's daughter, Natalia, during a photoshoot of his eraser buildings.

Head to p. 48 for his inspirational story.

10 JERK

•

12.12

Yorkie. flickr.com.18 Oct 2012; Grandma. flickr.com. 18 Oct 2012; Mom. flickr.com. 18 Oct 2012; friend. flickr.com. 18 Oct 2012

Sure, Jerk's new Spotify account rocks. But we'll

never put his shirt on again.

16% Snoop Lion declares he will change his name every month until he covers the whole animal kingdom.

You have some cool abilities, but what new and impressive skill will you pick up this year?

24% Piano—Your parents wasted thousands on

Don’t kick off the new year in shame. What’s the one action you’ll avoid when the clock strikes 12?

forgotten lessons. It’s the least you can do.

10% Drunk smooching a stranger—Your first taste of

24% Karate—Show the “hooded males” in Thornden

the year shouldn’t be someone else’s drink.

Park who’s boss.

44% Blacking out—You might want to remember the

12 % Pig Latin—itshay alktay eoplepay anywhereway.

40% Magic—Take it from Barney Stinson and Gob Bluth: Nothing says sexy like shooting fireballs.

first moments of 2013.

30% Texting your ex—That douchebag already got his chance.

16% Dancing on the table—Enjoy awakening in hungover agony on Jan. 1.

JERK

•

12.12 11

OBITCHUARY

FRAMED

Original Pokémon Cartridges

1998-2013 CAUSE OF DEATH: DEPLETED HP

By Sean Cotter The Christmas of 1998 felt like any other: A 7-year-old me galloped down the stairs, itching to tear through neat bows and ribbons under the tree. But on that particular Christmas morning, the holiday changed forever. I found, swaddled in sheets of Santa-spangled paper, the gift I wanted most: a yellow Game Boy Color, complete with two game cartridges—Pokémon Yellow and Pokémon Blue. I was over the moon. Mount Moon, actually. My dad asked me how long I planned on playing the games, and I threw out some astronomical number—like 400 hours.

But while these days the games sit in a faraway closet, my love of Pokémon still burns with the fire of a thousand Charizards. I’ll never forget the moment when the speech bubble-thing over the Pikachu’s head walking behind me turned from a grumpy face to a heart.

But soon—if not already—no record of this will exist. And neither I nor any other Pokémaster can do a damn thing about it. Apparently, those cartridge games saved data on a flash memory chip, sustained by only a small battery. Note the past tense: These batteries have reached the end of their estimated ten to 15 year lifespan. Based

12 JERK

•

12.12

on my calculations, Nintendo released Red and Blue in 1998, and my darling Yellow in 1999.

Which was 13 to 14 years ago. Gulp.

The Internet can tell you 1,000 ways to replace the battery so you can play for another 15 years or so—you just have to remove the first battery to put in a new one. But this cuts the dribble of power to the memory chip, wiping it clean.

So that time my well-rounded party of Pokémon finally took down my friend’s level 100 Pikachu in a link cable battle of epic proportions, gone. Same with my extensive and tenacious attempts to find where the programmers hid Mew (spoiler: that pickup truck just outside Goldenrod City is a bullshit decoy), and the Mewtwo I caught with just one Ultra Ball (yeah, it happened, bitches).

Games can emulate and imitate, but nothing quite captures the 2-D wonder of the original Pokémon. I may not play as religiously as my 7-year-old self, but when Hurricane Sandy cut the power, I hoped a kid somewhere out there dusted off a Pokémon Yellow cartridge [and called on my old friend Pikachu] to help him through the darkness. JM

Untitled

By Julianna DiMarco Jewlery "When visualizing a design I begin with one focused detail, from there I use this as inspiration to compose the remainder of the piece. These rings represent natural elements and the recreating of textures with forms of unique organic shapes. The appearance of the ring, how it is able to engage, and where it is placed on the hand, all receive an important part in the design process to uphold a proper balance."

— Julianna DiMarco Showcase your work in Framed. Email art@jerkmagazine.net.

JERK

•

12.12 13

BITCH

BITCH

By outlawing sledding in 1933, Syracuse casued almost 80 years of miserable children.

Even with iPhone apps, we still need a friendly face to deliver the forecast.

By Annemarie Menna : Illustration by Jaycee Checo

By Kelly Peters : Illustration by Jaycee Checo

When I was four, my mom took me sledding, bundled up like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. Only my eyes peeked through the bulky scarf and marshmallow jacket. I had the waddle down, too. But I loved it—snow day’s novelty, the sled races, snowball fight chaos, and that satisfying mug of hot cocoa at the end of the night.

Sledding is a classic winter pastime— but here in Syracuse, gliding down a public hill is against the law. It started when little Edward Mullin broke his leg whizzing down the Westcott Reservoir in 1933. (In the city boasting the country's greatest average snowfall per year—nearly 10 feet—the irony radiates.) But all efforts to repeal the ban halted in January 2009 when 12-year-old Taylor Denson, also sledding in the Westcott Reservoir, collided with a parked car, sustaining severe head trauma and dying three days later.

Their tragic fates have endangered the childhood memories of thousands: years of frostbitten neighborhood and family bonding—gone. Urban kids don’t have access to “private” hills. Backyards are in short supply. And threatening to slap a fine on 10 and 12-year-olds for sledding resembles putting a kid in time-out for playing with a new toy. Kids can disregard signs and hop over fences. Police must realize they can’t station a cop at the crest of every hill, drainage ditch, and reservoir

Last winter break, two security guards escorted my mom out of Giant Eagle, our local supermarket. They caught her snapping a pic of John Burnett while pretending to order a pound bologna from the deli counter.

John Burnett is our weatherman.

Sure, my mother’s sanity is questionable.

But she’s not the only one with meteorological mania. For centuries, we’ve gazed at the sky in awe. Now, rather than straining our necks in abstract speculation, we simply turn on our TV and wait for the John Burnett’s of this world to predict the atmosphere’s mood.

These weather jockeys are community royalty—the untouchables of any grocery meat counter. But as technology encroaches the media, we can’t just leave broadcasters to weather the storm alone. Forecasting the

14 JERK

•

12.12

in the city from November until March.

Instead, parents need to consider location.

Taking your kid to a hill that slopes into a parking lot or roadway is questionable at best, downright dangerous at worst.

But cities and boroughs across the country are jumping on the banning sleigh.

Some want to mandate helmets for sledding minors. Yes, helmets. It’s like riding a bike, they argue, but biking claims the lives of 52,000 every year. And no state has an allages, comprehensive bike helmet law.

The fatal accidents of few shouldn’t hinder the rosy-cheeked childhood memories of future generations. And if your kid wants to wear a helmet, by all means, strap it on. But depriving Syracuse kids of sledding while surrounded by snowfall is straight up cruel.

While you’re at it, you might as well storm outside and kick over their snowmen. JM

weather takes more than numbers and logarithmic percentages. The green screen requires personality, decency—and the spunk to draw borderline phallic cold fronts.

But this atmospheric gumption isn’t the only thing that keeps viewers drooling for more forecasts. “Everybody wants to know if they need to wear a coat, or bring an umbrella, or stand at the bus stop with their kids. It’s what you call “news you can use”, says Newhouse broadcast journalism professor Frank Currier. Sure, you can easily “use” weather.com or the WeatherBug app on your iPhone, but that bulleted-listing of dew points and pressure gradients won't join you over your morning coffee.

Still, no weathercast viewing is devoid of a few “clear skies my ass!” Even beloved meteorologists like WSYR’s Dave Longley make mistakes. As fronts move in off of Lake Onondaga and flakes crash against your draft-ridden window, Dave may be reporting sunny skies and “warmer days for CNY.” But consider the bigger picture before you curse out the man on your TV. That familiar face on the screen relays so much more than statistics, especially during times of extreme weather.

As cyclonic winds begin twisting and gusts jump by the 10 mph, you need that familiar face—the same one you stalked in Giant Eagle—to make you realize your house isn’t made of toothpicks, and everything really will be okay.

And if it’s not, feel free to hunt Mr. Longley down at Wegmans. Just watch out for security. JM

JERK

•

12.12 15

BITCH

BITCH

Over labeling mental illness diminishes the struggle of having a real one.

By Sarah Schuster : Illustration by Esther Coonfield My hand is in my mouth again.

I don’t realize until my boyfriend, shaking his head, pulls it away. How long had I been doing that? Somewhere in deep thought, I felt an invisible force push my hand upward, placing my finger between my teeth. This gross habit has plagued me since age 12.

So when I saw the NPR headline, “Nail Biting: Mental Disorder Or Just A Bad Habit?”, I started chewing instinctively.

Apparently, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)—the bible of mental illnesses—will categorize nail biting as a “body-focused repetitive behavior,” placing it in the same category as obsessive compulsive disorder, called obsessive compulsive and related disorders. But fear not, casual nail biters.

The official diagnosis only applies to cases of severe nail biting: a habit so serious it causes bleeding and infection. Your average finger in-your-mouth gal, like me, can rest easy.

While most would agree severe nail biters should receive treatment, key differences exist between them and those with OCD.

16 JERK

•

12.12

OCD’s most debilitating aspects aren’t the repetitive, tedious acts themselves but the thoughts driving them. Those with OCD think if they don’t perform rituals or act on their obsessions, irrational consequence will occur. Nail biters, no matter how extreme, experience no such thought process. Even Dan Stein, Ph.D., who actually spearheaded efforts to place severe nail biting in the new DSM, says experts don’t know much about the neurobiology of body focused repetitive behavioral disorders like nail biting and couldn’t compare it to what little they know of OCD’s neurology. It’s unclear whether this new label will benefit severe nail biters at all. While recognition can obviously help a struggling few accept their situation, severe nail biters are left with the label and not much more.

This is a common criticism of the DSM-4.

Its “label first, treat later” attitude doesn’t do much for the people it’s diagnosing. In his essay, “Criticism of America's Diagnostic Bible—The DSM,” psychologist Michael Conner says the DSM makes conclusions

based on arbitrary symptoms and does little to map the best course of action or treatment.

He also describes the DSM’s labeling process as “highly political, partially democratic and even resistant to scientific evidence.”

Another critical voice, the Coalition For DSM-5 Reform, wrote an open letter to the DSM-5 Task Force and the American Psychiatric Association, criticizing them for lowering diagnostic thresholds—meaning you have to show fewer symptoms to get the label. For example, DSM-5 will change the diagnosis criteria for general anxiety disorder and ADD, requiring fewer symptoms to warrant labeling. This results in more diagnoses, more money for drug companies, and more excuses for moms who just want their hyper kids to calm the fuck down. Like nail biting, none of these diagnoses do anything to help the labeled. If anything, it dilutes the seriousness when the label really matters.

It’s simple inflation. Printing out more money doesn’t fix the economy, and handing out more labels doesn’t improve the mental health system. Especially considering the DSM-5 review process costs $25 million, and according to a National Alliance on Mental Illness report, states cut $1.6 billion in general funds from state mental health budgets from 2009 to 2011. To improve our already lacking mental health system, experts need to stop filling manuals, and work on treatment.

As humans, we love to categorize—it makes our world easier to process. But by constantly naming new illnesses and expanding criteria for old ones, we spread stigmas instead of getting to the root of the problem (cue obsessive labeling disorder). If this labeling continues, I’ll be worried about more than my finals as I chomp away what’s left of my fingernails. JM

JERK

•

12.12 17

BITCH

BITCH

Generation Y needs a show like Real World to mirror our culture and clue us into the world outside our comfort zones. But the show needs a serious overhaul to rise back above crude entertainment. This past season in St. Thomas featured five white MTV's Real World needs a and two black cast mates, all painfully shot of culture—not Tequila. heterosexual, and predominantly college

By Laura Cohen : Illustration by Jack McGowan graduates. Without a diverse cast, the Disaster struck this year’s 27th season of potential for genuine learning and growth Real World when Brandon Swift wanted doesn’t exist. We need people with real to prank his fellow cast members. While stories to share, like the cast of the 21st reaching for a dead fish, he fell on a bed of sea urchins. Viewers watched, riveted, as the housemates tried to get Swift to quit his bitching. Their solution involved rum—lots of rum—while debating whether to ease Swift’s pain with their full bladders. Hence, the episode’s title: “To Pee Or Not To Pee?” Let's compare this cheap shellfish storyline to the third season in San Francisco—the first to introduce a cast member with a life-threatening disease.

As one of the first openly gay HIV-positive men to appear in a television series, Pedro Zamora humanized an issue you didn’t see on Nick at Nite in the 90s.

Twenty years later, stacked against a lifeaffirming struggle like HIV, Swift’s drunken whining sounds more than a bit trite.

Since 1992, Real World has brought season in Brooklyn: Katelynn Cusanelli, together groups of strangers and given a male-to-female transgender, and Ryan viewers the chance to watch them create— Conklin, an Iraq war veteran with postand destroy—relationships. Today, MTV’s traumatic stress disorder. We couldn’t longest-running slot presents a weekly relate to these characters, but we sure as hour of 20-somethings getting shwasted hell learned from them.

We college-aged students won’t leave and dancing to bad club music on spring break. Last season’s website boasts, our bubbles anytime soon, but we do watch “Full of pranks, rum and romance, these MTV, a cultural staple with the potential to roommates party like pirates.” This trash impact our generation. Life is not always a has Snooki’s orange fingerprints all over it. party—Real World shouldn’t be either. JM 18 JERK

•

12.12

The world will still exist on Dec. 22. We promise.

By Rob Marvin : Illustration by Megan Dreisbach For one glorious day on Dec. 21, the world will go insane. We'll witness wild apocalypse parties, weird religious fanatics selling their possessions and imploring the world to repent, and probably a few raving nut jobs painting their bodies and running naked through the streets. But the next day. they’ll all trudge back to their lives, alive and at least physically well.

The end of days is not upon us. Mayans never predicted the world would end on Dec. 21, 2012. They said nothing about the sun exploding, a massive earthquake, or a devastating tidal wave—not even an ittybitty, little meteor.

A team of archaeologists and Mayan experts met in Mexico City on Sept. 28 to examine the calendar and debunk this myth for good. They cleared up a few misconceptions: On Dec. 21, the Mayan calendar will run through its 13th baktun (394 years comprise one baktun or Mayan unit of time), ushering in a new era, not a bitter end. Mayans also never predicted massive astronomical catastrophes—more so droughts and disease. You know, small stuff. They even prophesized future events far past John Cusack’s improbable escape from the Himalayas on a massive ark.

Oops, we spoiled it.

Yet according to a March 2012 Ipsos research poll, one in seven world citizens believes Earth will meet its end within his or her lifetime. Apocalypse website December212012.com boasts celebrity believers like Mel Gibson, Montel Williams, and Lil Wayne. Those trusted role models would never steer us wrong. And a Russian

man refuses to pay a traffic fine because of the impending doomsday—the ticket amounts to $32. He even showed debt collectors his “special charts and graphs” to prove his point.

Either movies like Armageddon and The Day After Tomorrow have really swayed these people, or they’re just itching for a cataclysmic reckoning.

While a frighteningly large number is bracing themselves for death, those with

actual common sense publicize the truth.

NASA has an entire FAQ page dedicated to mocking this blatant sham. According to the page, “Even if this several thousand yearlong magnetic field reversal were to begin, that would not affect the Earth’s rotation nor would it affect the direction of the Earth’s rotation axis—only Superman can do that.”

So go ahead: Empty your bank account and start raging in honor of senseless global destruction. And enjoy waking up ashamed on Dec. 22 with one shoe, no pants, and a splitting headache. JM

JERK

•

12.12 19

BITCH

BITCH

Internet cats make us giggle, but they also signal human progress.

By Emily Maloney : Illustration by Emily Rhain Andrews Last Christmas, Buzzfeed posted 109 cats celebrating the birth of Baby Jesus.

The photos ranged from tabbies tangled in Technicolor lights to grumpy greys sporting antlers or Santa hats. These examples of feline holiday cheer got a lot of love: 1,000 Facebook likes and almost 300 tweets. If you prefer celebrating with music, YouTube presents Jingle Cats, an entire channel dedicated to kitty caroling.

These videos of rapturous meowing have landed over seven million views. And don’t worry, Jews, the Internet didn’t forget about you. You can witness cats batting dreidels or staring at lit menorahs with a simple Google search. Regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or pet allergies, anyone with a Wi-Fi connection and some time to kill can make a feline friend. We can’t escape the cuteness.

Clay Shirky, New York University professor, author, and speaker, defines the phenomenon as “cognitive surplus.” The world has over 1 trillion hours of free time per year, and we use it to consume, create, and share. In the midst of all this leisure time, “lol” became the prefix for “cats” and got plastered all over the Internet.

Perusing cats’ lives from the comfort of a swivel chair does have uniquely addictive qualities. My personal Internet cat fascination began with Keyboard 20 JERK

•

12.12

Cat. Initially, the owner controlling his cat’s arms didn’t impress me. Now, any grammatically incorrect “kitteh” meme makes me snicker. Cat videos and memes offer viewers a shared experience unavailable with any other household pet.

Aside from “Loldogs” sounding stupid, dogs constantly beg for our attention.

But you have to work for that deep purr of affection from your beloved feline.

Lolcats allow humans to exploit and break down cats’ proud indifference, and the satisfaction renders each image and video fucking hilarious. We make the cats work for us by setting them as the background to absurd text or manipulating abnormal kitty poses in iMovie, creating the week’s viral YouTube cat vid. And the enjoyment only grows when we share these images and videos with the rest of our friends on social media. Our cats, our way.

Lolcats and YouTube cat videos originated in Japan—the latter specifically in 2007 when YouTube launched a Japanese counterpart. Some vids featured cats like Maru—a big ass, beautifully colored Scottish fold—yawning in a sink and scurrying into empty boxes. In this case, the activity didn’t make the video irresistible; the set up did—different scenes cut with a transitional black screen with a snarky, one-line description of the

next clip. Maru makes us giggle as much as any other fat cat, but she’s famous because her owner understands the attraction to Lolcats: humans enjoy watching a normally proud animal get humiliated over and over again.

Our lolcat fetish mirrors catching your older sibling singing into a hairbrush in her underwear. You never get to see her in a vulnerable, lesser state. But with cats you can humiliate the proud felines and get paid for it. David Marx, popular blog writer and American living in Tokyo, reports that some cats make “more money than the average salary in Japan.” That’s around $29,000, fyi. American cats have had just as much success. Lolcats. com’s Hawaiian owners sold the site in 2008 for 2 million.

Lolcats may provide the dumbest form of entertainment to date, but almost no one can avoid a chuckle when Grinch Cat pops up on their newsfeed. Tinted green, fuzzy, and unmistakably bored, he sits behind the bold text, “Grinch cat iz stealin ur kristmis.” Sometimes, it’s the simple things in life. JM JERK

•

12.12 21

SMUT

SMUT

The Two Row Wampum campaign celebrates a 400-year-old treaty by fighting to make New York state recognize it exists.

By Cheryl Seligman : Illustrations by Adam Day Jake Edwards carefully removed a wampum belt from its casing. The six-foot rectangle, woven together with shell beads, depicted 15 geometric figures, holding hands, forever connected. Edward’s nephew, Philip Jocko Jr. gazed in awe.

“Is this the real one?” Jocko Jr. asked.

22 JERK

•

12.12

“Yeah,” Edwards replied, placing it in his nephew’s hands.

Jocko Jr. stared down. In his young hands, he held the 1794 Canandaigua Treaty wampum belt—the same one President George Washington made to ratify the United States treaty with the Haudenosaunee.

“How’s it feel?” Edwards asks closely watching the boy.

“Heavy.”

But on that late February day, Jocko Jr., an Onondaga Nation Eel Clan member, didn’t mean “heavy” in a physical sense. A spiritual force weighed down the belt.

“I had tears in my eyes,” he recalled. “A piece of history was in my arms. It was like holding the Constitution.”

The belt’s figures represent the first states in harmony with the Haudenosaunee, a large group of several Native American nations more commonly known as the Iroquois. Their treaty established “peace, friendship, forever,” says Edwards, the current Onondaga Nation Eel Clan chief.

Beyond that though, the treaty avowed land rights and recognized the Native American nations’ sovereignties—both largely ignored by the U.S. today.

Notably, the 1613 Two Row Wampum Treaty—which dictated that Native American nations and European settlers live side by side in peace and friendship—has been broken. Initially, this agreement with the Haudenosaunee was meant to last “as long as the grass is green, as long as the rivers flow downhill, and as long as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west,” Edwards recites. But New York state’s perpetual disregard for the land’s natural sanctity has forced the Onondaga to fight to win it back.

Thus, the Onondaga legally replied in 2005, by filing the Land Rights Action, a federal court suit arguing that their land was taken from them illegally and that they, therefore, retain rights to it.

The clan's Land Rights Action addresses especially environmental issues affecting the Onondaga’s aboriginal territory, says Andy Mager, the project coordinator of the

JERK

•

12.12 23

SMUT

SMUT

Two Row Wampum Renewal Campaign.

Roadblocks exist though—the federal courts dismissed the case twice, once on Oct. 19.

In response, the Two Row Wampum Renewal Campaign—a joint effort between the Syracuse Peace Council and Neighbors of the Onondaga Nation (NOON)—was born. The movement combines the 400th anniversary of the Two Row Wampum Treaty with the Onondaga’s legal goals. It aims to take the case to New York state’s public, seeking the justice that the courts refused.

The Land Rights Action addresses land stretching from the Canadian border, below New York’s state line, and into Northern Pennsylvania state — more than 2 million acres of land, Mager says. Currently, the Onondaga only have about 7,300 acres— roughly .29 percent of the land promised to them.

On Feb. 28, the Onondaga used the 1794 Canandaigua Treaty original two row wampum belt to announce its appeal of the September 2010 rejection of the 2005 Land Rights Action.

Dismissed in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of New York, the Onondaga then appealed its case to the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York City.

But prior federal rulings in similar cases involving the Oneida and the Cayuga Native American nations—both Haudenosaunee— have made it difficult for the Onondaga to see justice anywhere in the legal system.

Their appeals hearing took place on Oct. 12 in front of a three-judge panel. The decision, they said, could take up to a year. The Onondaga heard back in just one week: The case was again dismissed.

The Syracuse Peace Council and NOON

now turned toward creating a social movement for the cause. “We began thinking, ‘What can we do to help achieve the goals of the Land Rights Action outside of court?’” Mager recalls.

The Two Row Wampum Treaty heads this campaign commemorated by another wampum belt—white with two purple lines running parallel to each other. One row on the belt represents the path of the Haudenosaunee traveling in canoes. The other represents the path the European settlers traveled when coming to America by boat. The rows work together, but they run parallel and never cross.

“We’re only one side of the treaty,” Edwards says. “We haven’t broken it.”

But the United States did.

“All the U.S. acts like they created us and gave us human rights,” he says. “But the U.S. gave us hardship since they were formed. We’re a strong people, but we’re hurt.”

"YOU DON'T SEE A BLACK GUY OR ASIAN GUY OR A JEWISH GUY COSTUME, BUT INDIAN COSTUMES—THEY'RE SOLD EVERYWHERE." —CURTIS WATERMAN

24 JERK

•

12.12

The environmental destruction of much of the Onondaga’s homeland represents another primary issue, Mager explains.

“They want to work with their neighbors to protect and restore the environment so that it’s sustainable, so that we have a future, so that we do not destroy the earth on which we depend.”

The destruction of Onondaga Lake is a “poster child for environmental destruction,” he says. It’s also the site where the Native American nations first came together as the Haudenosaunee. Over a thousand years ago, the nations warred. This troubled the Creator and prompted him to send a messenger, the Peacemaker, to bring peace between all the nations. The Peacemaker

JERK

•

12.12 25

SMUT

SMUT

searched for the leaders of the five warring nations. Among them was Hiawatha, who helped the Peacemaker confront an Onandaga man named Tadadaho—said to be evil, with snakes growing straight from his head, and set on stopping the peace message from advancing any further. In his efforts to stop the peace message, he killed Hiawatha’s daughters.

After grieving, Hiawatha was again able to help to spread the Creator’s message and

26 JERK

•

12.12

went with the Peacemaker to again confront Tadadaho. By that time, 49 leaders from across the warring nations agreed to support the peace message. Having “combed the snakes” from his head, Tadadaho became the 50th chief to support the message. To this day, there are 50 Haudenosaunee chiefs.

To symbolize peace between the warring nations, the chiefs and the Peacemaker uprooted a great white pine tree along Onondaga Lake’s shores and buried

their weapons in the hole that remained.

A powerful stream then washed away those weapons, and the peace supporters replanted the tree, deeming it the Tree of Great Peace. The Peacemaker placed an eagle on top to ward off any threat jeopardizing the great peace.

But that all changed in the late 1800s, when the soda ash industry developed along Onondaga Lake’s shores. Over a 70year period, the lake became “what has been referred to as the most chemically polluted lake in North America,” Mager says.

The destruction troubles the Onondaga.

“When you look at what was done to Onondaga Lake, it’s understandable that in the future they would want their voices to be heard,” says Aya Yamamoto, an intern with NOON. “They want to be able to stop that from happening again. It’s heartbreaking to watch that happen to your sacred site and not be able to do anything about it.”

A consistent misrepresentation of the Onondaga people adds to that struggle.

“How many people were dressed up as Indians for Halloween?” Edwards asks.

“You don’t see a black guy or Asian guy or a Jewish guy costume,” adds Curtis Waterman, a member of Onondaga Nation. “But Indian costumes—they’re sold everywhere.” And modern-day education hasn’t done much better.

“For the most part, young people in New York state are taught about the Haudenosaunee in the past tense,” Mager says. “They’re taught about longhouses and how they lived when Europeans found their way to these shores, but they’re not taught about them as a living, vibrant, current, modern culture.”

Anyone who takes the time to think about how this concern affects the Onondaga, Mager says, can recognize that talking about them in the past tense is an “erasure of a culture from the modern world.”

A major focal point of the renewal campaign is a symbolic enactment of the Two Row wampum belt’s picture. Next

summer, participants, will paddle down the Hudson River, starting in Albany. Over 13 days, the Haudenosaunee people will canoe in one row while allies and supporters row in boats adjacent to them. They’ll stop for educational and cultural events along the way, finishing in New York City, in time to participate in the United Nations’ International Day of the World’s Indigenous People commemorations.

Edwards participated in the trial run this past summer. Despite wishing he had earplugs to block nearby trains interfering with the journey’s peace, “It was a nice path," he says. “I look forward to paddling it again.”

Overall, the nation wishes to encourage people to extend its sovereignty, protect the environment, and garner support for a just resolution to several Haudenosaunee Land Rights actions, including the Onondaga Land Rights Action. Filing the Land Rights Action was Onondaga Nation’s way of looking for an avenue to begin the healing process. The Onondaga aren’t looking to evict people from their homes or seek rent. Rather, they’re looking for “acknowledgement that New York state has dirty hands,” Edwards says.

Though both the District Court for the Northern District of New York and Second Circuit Court of Appeals dismissed the case, the Onondaga still have options.They can ask the full court—not a three-judge panel—to hear the case in the Court of Appeals, or they can take it to the Supreme Court. And then, the Onondaga can proceed to international courts. “In some ways this is the most appropriate venue,” Mager says, “because we’re talking about a dispute between two nations, and the legal case is being heard in the courts of one of those nations.”

Though Edwards says the Oct. 19 dismissal “was pretty much expected,” he also says the Onondaga are not giving up.

“We’re going to persuade the people of America to listen more carefully,” Edwards says. “Because we’re still here, and we aren’t going anywhere.” JM

JERK

•

12.12 27

SMUT

SMUT It's a fear that previous gator owners have rising in the United States due to experienced. In October, CBS New York encroachment and people unwisely feeding reported five separate instances of them.” At the moment, though, Zero seems abandoned alligators in only two weeks. anything but aggressive. Even as she Police found a 3-foot-long snapper in a box scuttles around her aquarium, barely at an Applebee’s parking lot in Shirley, N.Y., touching the cereal, she carries a silent and another two-footer in a trashcan on a presence. The steady whir of Alathaimeen’s Mastic Beach resident’s front lawn. heater drowns out any woodchip ruffling. In The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty fact, Zero struggles to look deadly: In her to Animals (SPCA) attributes the increasing current toothless state, she’s too damn cute. number of abandoned alligators to recent Over a month ago, on the same leather news coverage of the legal punishments. couch he now sits, Alathaimeen went Like others, Alathaimeen knows he’s crocodile hunting, armed with a search breaking the law but makes light of the engine and credit card. burden. “I mean, I’m “My roommates not going to be in jail and I were chilling for that reason, right?” here, and I said, ‘We He shrugs. Actually, should get a pet,’” he illegally harboring an recalls. alligator can land him “What do you think in prison for up to a about ducks?” his year. roommate asked.

Zero scrabbles up “When you grow up the aquarium's side. and have kids, they —ABDULLAH Flashes of gold riddle don’t want to know her craggy skin. She’s a about ducks. I want to ALATHAIMEEN tiny alligator with a tell them I had an 10-foot-long shadow. alligator,” Alathaimeen Alligators grow approximately one foot a replied. year for the first seven years, with the He found backwaterreptiles.com, an average American alligator spanning around exotic pet retail website, scrolled down, and 15 feet and weighing 1,000 pounds. “As clicked on “alligator.” The company’s website soon as she grows up and starts being stated it doesn’t ship alligators to New York dangerous I’m going to give her to the zoo,” or other states where ownership is illegal, Alathaimeen admits. He stands, smiling but like Rhode Island, Washington, and Texas. motionless, watching her tiny feet skitter But it didn’t back up its claim. Alathaimeen across the glass. “Or make a purse for my skipped the verbiage and typed in his credit mother.” He gives a playful smirk. card information. Instantly, an email with a But cases of alligators “outgrowing” their tracking number appeared in his inbox. Zero, owners do happen, and they lack comic an alligator mississippiensis (commonly consequences. An alligator’s defensive known as an American alligator), arrived on tendencies manifest in aggression, Tim his doorstep the next day, via FedEx, very Williams, a worker at Gatorland, a 110-acre much in New York. She had him from hello. alligator theme park and wildlife preserve in “I was shocked when I first saw her. They Orlando, Fla., says, “Alligators have been weren’t lying about shipping her,” he recalls. known to attack and will defend themselves, “I didn’t think they would be serious.” their nest, and young.” He explains, “The Through the glass he traces the scales on number of alligator attacks on humans is her tiny back. “I loved her immediately.”

"WHEN YOU GROW UP AND HAVE KIDS, THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT DUCKS. I WANT TO TELL THEM I HAD AN ALLIGATOR."

Congressional candidate Ursula Rozum might not have a lot of money, but she’s making politics a little greener.

Syracuse University student Abdullah Alathaimeen just bought an alligator.

By Iona Holloway A large, red and white “Keep Calm and Carry On” tapestry hangs on the wall of Abdullah Alathaimeen’s minimal loft-style apartment.

Alathaimeen’s houseguests should heed the aphorism—because his roommate is an alligator.

Alathaimeen’s not the only New Yorker living with a toothier, scalier version of man’s best friend. While owning “Little Miss Snappy”—a nickname he affectionately uses for his pet alligator—is illegal in New York State, a rash of alligator abandonments in the last two months have experts worried about legal loopholes.

Alathaimeen sits on a leather corner sofa in his living room and shuffles a deck of cards.

28 JERK

•

12.12

He glances over to a 55-inch aquarium neighboring a state-of-the-art surround sound system against the opposite wall.

“You want to hold her?” he asks, getting up. “She’s called Zero.”

Alathaimeen adjusts the lamp above Zero’s container, bright and warm for his cold-blooded girl. He points to leftover special alligator cereal sitting in a bowl on the aquarium’s wood-chip floor. Zero proves low maintenance, craving only cereal or raw chicken—for now.

The 1-month-old alligator darts for a corner as her owner lifts the screened lid.

“I’m kind of scared of her now,” he says, peering down. “She’s getting bigger.”

JERK

•

12.12 29

SMUT

SMUT

30 JERK

•

12.12

aquarium and travels to the Hill often, although now the bitter cold hinders this.

She rides shotgun in cars. She visits Archbold gym for regular cardio. She’s sat on Alathaimeen’s roommate’s shoulder as he lifted weights. “No one has said anything yet,” he says. “The faculty of Archbold gym—they’ve seen her, I think.” Zero crawls between textbooks and computers on Bird Library tables. She prefers the right-hand side of the Marshall Street Starbucks because, Alathaimeen jokes, “It’s where all the ‘Saudis’ sit.” In fact, in less than two months at school, Zero strung together quite the social network. “Many girls come up to me and ask if they can take a photo,” he says. “One gave me her number.” Pet alligators may work wonders as a pickup technique, but Wolfe says that no matter how well intended, domesticating an alligator is a thankless task—even cruel.

“Humans cannot replicate the natural environment needed for these animals, neither physically nor psychologically,” she says. “Animals are not novelties. They have their own needs, interests, and rights.” And while Alathaimeen’s apartment reeks of

modernism, Zero’s aquarium can't emulate the Everglades.

“Alligators deserve the right to engage in the natural behaviors inherent to them in their natural environment,” Wolfe says.

Alathaimeen’s landlord doesn’t know about Zero, but the charismatic pet owner plans to let him know eventually. “He didn’t mind animals,” he says. “He didn’t specify.”

Alathaimeen still shuffling, glances over at the glass.

“When I was a kid I had a dog for a day, but my mom got rid of it,” he says, shrugging.

“Now I have an alligator.” He holds his gaze on Zero’s aquarium and finally stops shuffling his cards. He knows he can’t keep her forever—he’s no longer ignorant of what she might become. “I’ll just get another baby alligator,” he says without a blink. “And I’ll raise her the same as Zero. JM

Editor's Note: Unfortunately, Zero passed away after this piece was written. R.I.P. to Jerk's scaly little friend. We'll miss you.

GATOR GUIDELINES

Information from http://srelherp.uga.edu/alligators/allmis.htm and defenders.org

After her arrival, a trip to ShoppingTown attempt to protect the public.

Mall’s Pet World ensued to deck out his new For now at least, abandonment—not gator. “I paid $120 for the alligator and $30 attacks—increases. Thankfully, despite the for shipping,” Alathaimeen says, “but the volatility of wild animals, Wolfe says, cases aquarium was more expensive, about of domestic crocodilian attacks with human $200.” injuries are not widespread. “ But numerous Legally, alligators fall under the cases of wild crocodiles attacking humans “crocodilian” umbrella term, which includes and causing severe injuries to humans do crocodiles, caiman, and alligators. Linda occur,” she says.

Wolfe, a program associate at Born Free Zero has only grown a few centimeters USA, a national animal advocacy nonprofit since Alathaimeen bought her, but the organization, says no federal ban on young owner’s nerves already loom. He crocodilian ownership makes no attempt to exists. Therefore, states touch her.

Almost ALLIGATORS implement their own skittishly, he glances over DESERVE THE restrictions. But Wolfe at the glass house every finds this problematic, few minutes as if to check RIGHT TO ENGAGE especially when websites she’s still contained. “I IN THE NATURAL like backwaterreptiles. used to put her on the BEHAVIORS com make a mockery of couch, and she wouldn’t state legislation. And move,” he says, pointing INHERENT TO THEM while a pet alligator to a spot on the ottoman IN THEIR NATURAL seems novel, the where his paper-thin ENVIRONMENT. domestication of wild Samsung cell sits. “But animals requires years of I’m a bit scared of her expert breeding, recently—she moves so —LINDA WOLFE according to Williams. fast.” And that will Zoos and animal parks undoubtedly become a allow human interaction larger problem—fullwith captive wild animals, grown alligators run up but believing you can fully domesticate an to 11 miles an hour. alligator is a naïve pipe dream. “Even our Alathaimeen only just learned this—he domestic animals and pets can, and have, knew nothing about alligators before Zero. turned on their keepers,” Williams says. Aided by YouTube videos and Discovery “Most wild animals, including alligators, Channel, he’s only recently realized Zero’s make less than desirable pets and must life expectancy of 40 years. always be treated and respected as wild “I bought her and then it hit me,” he animals.” pauses. “I thought, ‘Holy crap, I’ve made a Ohio made the devastating consequences mistake.’” And unlike other impulse buys, of wild animal ownership apparent last Zero can’t be returned to a store. She’s an year. Sixty-one-year-old Terry Thompson, illegal alien of sorts, growing every day. owner of an exotic animal farm, released his Still, Alathaimeen, casually shuffling his 56 wild animals, just before killing himself. cards, doesn’t seem worried. He's not Jack Hanna, the director emeritus of the concerned about Zero gaining weight. “As Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, described the soon as she gets as big as the tank, I’m scene “like Noah’s Arc wrecking.” Sheriff’s going to walk her with a leash,” he says. “On deputies shot 48 animals, including tigers, campus.” lions, grizzly bears, and baboons in an Zero’s no stranger to SU. She leaves her

Do not feed wild alligators. They naturally fear humans but feeding them makes them "bolder and encourages them to seek out people," according to the Savannah River Ecology Laboratory.

Aligators have a varied diet: fish, turtles, various mammals, birds, and other reptiles. But they don't eat much. A 100-pound dog eats more in a year than an 800-pound alligator.

Keep your distance. If an alligator hisses or lunges at you, you've gotten too close.

They can reach up to 18 feet in length, with the females averaging slightly smaller.

Harassing an alligator could land you $2500 fines or 30 days in jail.

Alligators can normally live about 30 to 50 years in the wild. Captivity alots them about 60 to 80 years.

JERK

•

12.12 31

SMUT

SMUT

NO

S TR IN GS

ATTACHED ,

Open Hand Theater and Salt City Productions combine puppetry and the holiday season to bring some shy performers out from behind the curtain.

Photos and Story by Brandon Weight

Katrina Dean peeks to see who's operating one of the zebras, but the masked puppet

Salt City Productions choreographer Jennifer Fricano, ribbon in hand, flips through her instructions. Out. In. Out. Behind. Repeat. A baker’s dozen of pre-teens float behind her, imitating the quick, fluid movements. “Be sure to practice at home,” Fricano says, or else it’s all going to go out like this.” She makes a splat noise as she replicates taking the idea from her head and throwing it on the ground. A mixture of giggles and “Ew!” fill the room—a fun atmosphere that undoubtedly translates when practice becomes performance: The Open Hand Theater’s holiday operetta, Amahl and the Night Visitors, premired Nov. 30.

The biennial production, through a myriad of cloth and papier-mâché, tells the story of the three traveling wise men’s journey following the bright star. While adults perform too, the theater’s producer and arts coordinator, Leslie Archer, sees the puppet-filled play as a way for children to let their guards down. “A lot of times kids will feel shy about going out and acting or performing,” she says. “But within the framework of a puppet, all of a sudden, they lose all of that.”

Fricano’s practicing puppeteers reflect this sentiment. As she tries to get them to focus on the dancing, the unlimited possibilities of their puppet costumes sidetrack them.

“It won’t be pretty, right?” one boy asks.

“Will it be glittery?” is another’s concern.

For now, they have to settle with their imaginations. Opening night is days away. JM

denies her a name.

32 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 33

SMUT

34 JERK

SMUT

•

12.12

JERK

•

10.12 35

GAWK

GAWK

BARE NECESSITIES With holiday extravagance enveloping us, let your simpler side reign in the true spirit of the season. Bold accessories complement your inner glow and make a statement in the cold. ‘Tis the season for minimalism.

P HOTOGR A P H E R : A LTA N JA M ES S T Y L I ST S : N OA H S ILV E R S TEI N AND VI CTORI A T ROXLER ASSI STANT S T Y LIS T : N A NCY OGANEZOV M OD E L S : A MIN A H IB R A H IM, DAVI NA KANG, AU ST E N RADCLI FF, VA L WA SS E R S T E IN HA I R: S H E R ID O N NA W ILS ON-B EDELL FOR SH E RI DONNA' S U N ISEX SALO N M A K E - UP : A NNIE Z H A NG M A N I C UR IS T : ME GA N S K IB I E L

O P P O S I T E: A U S TEN : NE CK LACE : U RB AN O UT FIT T ERS $18; EAR RI NGS: U RB AN OU TFIT T ERS $12; DAV I N A: N A I L RI NG: SOME GI RL S $9.

36 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 37

GAWK

GAWK O P P O SITE : A M IN A H : E A R R IN G S: TA R G E T $7.99; R IN G : UR B A N O UTF ITTE R S $16; B R AC E LE T: UR B A N O UTF ITTE R S $12; C LUTC H : A N N TAY LO R $98.

DAV IN A : N E C K LAC E : A LD O $10; E A R R IN G S: TA R G E T $7.99.

VA L: N E C K LAC E : A LD O $20.

38 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 39

GAWK

GAWK C LO C K W ISE F R O M LE F T: C LUTC H : A LD O $45; C UF F : UR B A N O UTF ITTE R S $20; C LUTC H : TA R G E T $14.99; R IN G : STY LIST’ S OW N ; B A N G LE : UR B A N O UTF ITTE R S $4.99; C LUTC H : SO M E G IR LS $39; R IN G : TA R G E T $7.99; C LUTC H : A LD O $40; R IN G : SO M E G IR LS $12.

40 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 41

GAWK

GAWK

AM I N AH : E ARRI NGS: TARGE T $7.99; DAV I N A: N ECK LACE : U RB AN O UTF I T TERS $ 2 0 .

AUS TEN : CU FF: CAROLE $1 2 ; EAR R I N GS : U RB AN OU TFI TTE RS $18.

VAL : N EC K LACE : ALD O $ 2 0 ; RI N G: S O M E GI R L S $1 2 .

42 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 43

GAWK

GAWK

STITCH

INSTRUCTIONS FOR RIDING PANTS

If Lana Del Rey and a jockey had a baby, she'd wear these leggings.

Choose fabric you'd like to use and cut a 5 inch by 10 inch rectangle from it.

Fold the rectangle in half and cut a half moon shape against the fold.

Repeat to make a second oval.

Trim to make even.

Try on the pants and mark where your knee hits. Position the middle of the fabric piece in the same spot.

To attach the fabric to your pants simply pin it in place and sew it on.

By Leah Khatib & Zerina Buljubasic : Photos by Meg O'Malley Screw tradition. Take the runway less traveled during these cold winter months.

Givenchy and Bottega Veneta did just that in their 2012 collections. The style of choice: new-age equestrian. Riding boots and leather garments flooded the runways, making us rethink past opinions about this sport on horseback. Keeping with the spirit of this trend, we decided to reinvent a staple women’s wardrobe piece. Leather appliqués on basic, old leggings elevate a borderline inappropriate bottom into a most fashionable

exception. No need to spend a fortune on the brand names. The supplies are manageable and the steps are simple. Leather isn't your only option to execute this look. Corduroy also gets the job done. A pinstripe down the side gives the look a sleek edge. And if you’re like us, you have at least one pair of leggings with an embarrassing hole. Making them into riding pants allows you to patch said hole and let the leggings live another day. Unless they have a crotch hole—chuck those suckers to the curb. JM

To see video with the complete directions, check out our online tutorial at jerkmagazine.net. And tweet us your own creations at @jerkmagazine.

44 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 45

NOISE

NOISE

Syracuse University student Freddy Moore builds cities and a new life from an unusual medium­—erasers.

By Natasha Schuyler : Photos by Rachel Fisher

The Legacy Tower 2010 pays homage to three of Moore’s fallen friends, two of which the police killed in 2009. “These were all people from the streets, poor kids, ya know. And we all grew up on the streets," Moore says.

46 JERK

•

12.12

Two-year-old Natalia stops in the middle of the small living room. Her brown eyes move across the tiny cities perched on a windowsill. She watches her father, who picks up each of his works from a nearby bookshelf and holds them up to the window. The sunlight seeps through mini stained-glass windows.

“This is called the crack house,” Freddy Moore says as he selects another model.

Surrounded by green fountains and white towers, the house’s dome-shaped roof consists of hundreds of miniscule blue, red, and yellow cubes. “A lot of people can’t talk about this stuff. Soon as you talk about it, they condemn you to death.

Imma talk about this though.”

As he stands, he describes the moment he came up with the crack rock concept during his dope-selling days in Austin, Texas. Intrigued by the rock’s shape after cutting it into tiny cubes, Moore translated the design to his eraser-made model, one of many in his collection of towers, apartments, cathedrals, and cities. Midsentence, he stops and turns to his daughter. “Natalia, this is because you don’t do this, okay?” he says sternly, pointing his finger at his wide-eyed daughter. “I did this, so you don’t have to do it.” She stares blankly, but his laugh breaks the silence. “She’s all like, ‘What?’”

Born in Austin, Texas, Moore spent most of his life going back and forth between the States and Spain, his mother’s home country. He survived his youth in the corrupted projects of both worlds, fighting with gang leaders, facing school expulsions, and dealing with

discrimination from teachers in Spain.

“They especially hated black people,” Moore says, imitating the biting Spanish curses that followed him wherever he went. He upturns his lip, points his finger to the sky, and imitates an almost perfect Spanish accent while yelling “¡Porque somos Español, cabrón!” Because we’re Spanish, bitch!

At the age of 14, however, Moore began experimenting with erasers while sitting in class. He cut and stacked them, first into towers and then into teepees.

Now, at 23, Moore—whose gang name 21/7 appears frequently on his gothic cathedrals and city towers—models his architectural renderings at Syracuse University after the life he left behind. “21: the hood. 78721,” says Moore, referring to Austin’s zip code. “7: 7 days a week. I used to say I doped seven days a week. That changed when I became an artist. I do art 21 hours a day, seven days a week.”

A green star with white wings located in the middle of The Legacy Tower 2010 represents Moore’s Austin friend Jamad White. As one of the model’s four structures dedicated to his lost friends, Moore immortalizes him as a ghetto superstar rising up to heaven. Before Moore knew White died, he had a dream where they spoke. “He said ‘Hey, man, I can’t do it no more, I got to go. I just can’t be there with you no more,’” Moore recalls. The next morning, Moore awoke to news of White’s passing. He died from a gunshot to the face. “He had to come into my mind to warn me that this world is deeper than what we think it is.”

JERK

•

12.12 47

NOISE

NOISE The spiritual and religious world has intrigued and fascinated Moore since he saw the ghost of a young girl at age 12. He attributes this appearance as a symbol of guidance. “People are afraid to let go of the physical world and go up. In Christianity, we stay in purgatory for, like, 40 years,” Moore says. “It’s probably because we’re looking after our loved ones until they grow up and get their minds right.”

The LegacyTower 2010 also pays tribute to another friend who Moore alleges died at the hands of corrupt police. According to Moore, his friend Nate was shot while sleeping in his car.

“They just shoot brothers and Mexicans down south and play it off like they had a reason to do it,” Moore says.

At a Chautauqua art camp, Moore tried to escape the same fate, eventually attempting to sell one of his credit cardsized eraser cities. A guy came to pick up the piece. But he looked at it and promptly walked away. Then, Wendy Cohen, a Syracuse University alumna, saw his work. She bought it for $300 and gave it to Anne Clarke, dean of the visual and performing arts program. The school contacted Moore and offered him entry.

“You got too much culture, and you got too much money, sometimes you become a shit. I didn’t become a shit because I saw a lot of shit.” Although he didn’t want to come to Syracuse, he took the opportunity for his muse—Natalia.

A castle fit for Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time, with a roof made of crystal-blue cubes descends along the red siding like a snow-covered house. Pink cubes adorn the roof’s highest point and the cubes hang on the building’s right side above the staircase. This is “Chez Nathalie.” This building and another dedicated to Natalia show color and joy— just like her personality.

“I took that opportunity because of her—I knew that my immoral lifestyle 48 JERK

•

12.12

would catch up to me eventually if I stayed in the hood, and I didn’t want Natalia to grow up with so much hardship and without a father,” Moore says. Today, Natalia and her mother live with Moore in his off-campus apartment, where Moore humors her with his baby talk, teasing and cradling her in his arms. “My little girl was brought into my life, and it made me decide I gotta survive,” he says.

In his courses, the dedication he shows seems apparent to Naomi Flores, a sophomore industrial design major, who waited three weeks to talk to him in their introduction sculpture class at Syracuse.

“Something about Fred—I was just like fuck it, he’s my classmate,” she recalls.

“Let me go talk to him.”

Moore wore a big, black jacket and glasses, and as she advanced and introduced herself, he immediately said, “Check out my erasers.”

Naomi responded, “Yeah man, they're really awesome.”

They exchanged pleasantries about the first project in class and have since become close friends.

“He is constantly talking about architecture,” says Nicola Kyverniti, a sophomore architecture student. “Well not literally talking about architecture, but about buildings he loves, about his eraser cities. He is constantly working with his

hands, showing the class his photos, always something new.

The individual towers and castle-like buildings he makes will eventually comprise a huge city—one Moore wants to base off ancient cities like Atlantis.

Obsessed with most global ruins and civilizations, Moore discovers inspiration through researching ancient architecture, as well as the spiritual meaning behind it.

Moore poses an example. “What really is the sphinx? The one in Egypt? What is it? Find out. You’ll find out some amazing things that’ll blow your mind. This world is a lot older than they say it is.”

Moore's buildings incorporate religious symbolism from around the world. From studying Buddhism, Moore follows a few spiritual guidelines. “No more selling drugs, no more doing sex,” he says. “Well, I do sex, but with one person.”

According to Moore, the seven in the 21/7 tower also represents the seven planes of reality found in Buddhism and Hinduism. Moore thinks he has reached the fifth stage. In regards to Christianity, the numbers, when divided, come out to three, which Moore says represents the divine trinity. He imagines his city to contain buildings with the world’s spiritual architecture, skyscrapers, fountains, mansions, parks, and streets illuminated by miniature streetlights. “I am the helicopter, so I can hover over my cities, and I do for hours sometimes,” Moore says. “I’m working hard to get it out of my system so that even if I don’t get the chance to build real architecture, the world will have my models and the spiritual meanings behind them.”

His dedication to replicating the spirituality enlightenment he found and the former gang life he left behind appears in the artwork he designs every day. In his working cubicle, he crafts with a toolkit of sculpting knives and a blue rubber mat board with quadrants for measuring. He picks up loose pieces of the same material

and pushes out previously carved pieces.

Next to his workstation lies a paper that contains the template for the project. His blue eyes focus intently as he carves Tim Burton-esque designs in a tree shape.

Moore cuts a piece of clear eraser from the New York Public Library into a square that fits perfectly into the frame of the pushed-out pink piece. He places the winter-like tree he carved out earlier on top of the clear piece, creating a decorated window. He positions this piece on top of the corner piece, crafting a gothic-style pointed arch with the window in the middle. Fiddling with the new piece, Moore loves the rubber’s squishy feeling and the sound the eraser makes when he carves into it.

Back in his apartment, he lifts up a model of the 21/7 tower—one he built for his former blood gang. Like many of his creations, it is inscribed with the name "Natalia." As he pushes a light below it to illuminate the green structure, she sits beside him on the couch, watching him as the tower turns blue.

“We’re all gonna advance ourselves,” Moore says, “if we have faith that there’s something better than all this materialism and all this money games—money hungry, crazy stuff.” JM

JERK

•

12.12 49

NOISE

SLACKADEMICS

A scentless, tasteless alcohol The Baggins who first had the ring Hemmingway’s first name

Whether the spelling bee champ or the class clown, you know you played a game of cootey catcher sometime during recess. With the funeral procession to finals week commencing, Jerk decided to go back to more elementary times with an array of childhood games—all done in obvious adult fashion.

So go ahead, bust out the sidewalk chalk, grab a pair of light-up shoes, and let the nostalgia begin.

Half bald dubstepper “V” and Natalie Portman planned this Batman’s home turf

WITH BASKETBALL SEASON IN FULL SWING, FEEL FREE TO COLOR ONE OF OUR FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM LAST SEASON. CHANCY + SHAQ 4EVER.

Jackie from That 70’s Show

___ Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band Kel’s favorite drink

Unscramble the letters in the red circles for the answer.

Why did the guy introduce himself to the vegetarian at the holiday party?

Because he’d never seen

With winter break a day away, final before his big night in he

FOREIGN COUNTRY

VERB

one from

across the Quad to class through

, who

FEMALE CELEBRITY

.“

NOUN

NUMBER

shots of NUMBER

ADVERB

HOUSEHOLD CLEANER

50 JERK

•

12.12

2

3

4

5

6

ALCOHOL

ADJECTIVE

obliged with a to

SOUND

of encouragement.

before they went out. After

VERB

SU STREET NAME

and their friends, the couple

and soon blacked out. He woke up the next morning with a

hangover, fearing the family

that he had to NOUN

,

snow. Upon arriving

, the two made their way across BAND

VEGETABLE

!” he gasped before borrowing

NOUN

before entering the bar. After seeing

1

feet of

EXCLAMATION

After their final, she invited him over to her downing

SU CLASS SUBJECT

. After taking a healthy dose of

to class, he discovered he forget a

ome

ran to catch his last

MALE HOLIDAY CHARACTER

that evening.

VERB ADJECTIVE

VERB

JERK

•

12.12 51

NOISE LOOK FOR:

RUBBERBAND BALL; WIZARD OF OZ PIN; BALLET SHOE; FIVE COUGH DROPS; SPOON; SEA SHELL; TWO BATTERIES; HEART; MOUTH GUARD; SUSHI; THE LETTER R; GORILLA

DIRECTIONS ON BACK

52 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 53

NOISE

NOISE

DIRECTIONS:

OTTO GOT ICED.

54 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 55

REWIND

5 Nancies = Kick Ass—This is what they make Sliders to.

4 Nancies = Good—An essential tune for your Flip Night soundtrack.

3 Nancies = Average—Just like an English degree.

2 Nancies = Bad—First in line for next year's Block Party.

1 Nancy = God Awful—Try it out at your next sorority mixer.

LINDSTRØM

DIRTY PROJECTORS

Smalhans

About to Die EP

TOP TRACK: “VĀ-FLĘ-R”

TOP TRACK: "ABOUT TO DIE"

BOTTOM TRACK: “RÀ-ÀKÕ-ST”

BOTTOM TRACK: "SIMPLE REQUEST"

Smalhans, the third studio album from Norwegian

Brooklyn band Dirty Projectors’ latest release collects

DJ and producer Lindstrøm, makes you stick a fork

outtakes from their summer LP Swing Lo Magellan,

in your eye. Not only does each track sound the same

both featuring their recent quirky single, “About

with repetitive escalating motifs and pounding bass

to Die.” Although short, the EP further explores

lines, but after a certain point each note resonates

the group’s bold, layered harmonies, showing

as a cross between Ms. Pac-man’s suicide note and

considerable range on tracks like “Here ‘Til It Says I’m

the introductory theme song to a bad 80s TV show.

Not.” But while lead singer Dave Longstreth’s offbeat

The tracks don’t come close to creating the intense

guitar playing on “Buckle Up” displays variety, the

spacey atmosphere the artist intended. After his

full-length album doesn’t include some of these

fourth studio album released in March, Six Cups of

tracks. Departing from the musical arrangements that

Rebel, Smalhans disappoints listeners. Ms. Pac-man

previously rendered some of their music unlistenable,

obviously deserves better.

About to Die showcases the band’s softer, more melodic, side with relatable lyrics about love and loss.

—Gauraa Shekhar

Illustration by Gabi Hastings

CRYSTAL CASTLES (III) TOP TRACK: "SAD EYES"

—Shea Garner

FIDLAR

MEEK MILL

FIDLAR

Dreams and Nightmares

BOTTOM TRACK: "INSULIN" TOP TRACK: "IN GOD WE TRUST"

TOP TRACK: "PAYBACK" After exploding onto the electronic music scene in 2008, synthpop team Crystal Castles continue their eight year

BOTTOM TRACK: "WAKE BAKE STATE"

BOTTOM TRACK: "YOUNG KINGS"

career onslaught of brooding experimental tunes. Their third self-titled studio album, alternatively labeled (III), takes

On their debut release, FIDLAR unleashes a storm of

On his debut album Dreams and Nightmares,

them back to their lo-fi roots. The duo, consisting of producer Ethan Kath and vocalist Alice Glass, ditched their

lo-fi punk that matches their reputation as reckless

Philadelphia rapper Meek Mill creates a solid record

computers and recorded each track in a single take. “Sad Eyes,” the sixth and best track, offers the same pulsating

rockers. The 14-track album by the L.A. quartet hits

packed with catchy beats and, at times, convincing

synth-like tune as the preceding tracks but reduces the beats and elongates the sound. Although slower than

hard with unrelenting, catchy tunes propelled by

lyrics. Superficial lines focused on making cash

most dance hits, Brooklyn club-goers could still bust a move to the smooth rhythm. This album relies the least on

huge guitar riffs and the screaming, spitting vocals of

and chasing women pervade tracks like “Young &

lead singer Zac Carper. With hooks that stick in your

Gettin’ It” and “Rich & Famous.” Meek Mill, however,

head for days, FIDLAR's debut seamlessly melds

showcases his lyrical depth on “Traumatized” and

an enormous amount of punk energy with pop

“Tony Story (Pt. 2),” both touching on death and

songwriting sensibilities. The entire record has a real

loss. Meek Mill’s consistent ability to deliver a strong

down-and-dirty vibe but standout tracks include “Black

flow, accompanied by smooth piano melodies and

Out Stout,” “Paycheck,” and “Whore.”

heavy drum beats tie the album together. Though he

technological enhancements but it arguably offers their most refined sound to date. Similar to other records, the sonic differences from track to track go almost unnoticed. (III) may not offer aural variety, but it still serves as Crystal Castles’ most raw and straightforward album thus far.

still has room to grow as an artist, Meek Mill debuts a solid album worth listening to through the end.

—Cassandra Baim

56 JERK

•

12.12

—Derek Kirch

— Emmie Martin

JERK

•

12.12 57

AMPLIFIED AMPLIFIED

THE LOWDOWN ON THE GET DOWN WITH HAVANA HAZEL

Syracuse, N.Y. local

ACTIVE SINCE: 2009

CREW: Carolyn Kelly: vocals; Jim Pavente: bass; Nick Humez: guitar; Dan Solars: drums

THE CAROLYN KELLY BLUES BAND

By Emma McAnaw : Photo Courtesy of the Band SOUNDS LIKE: A more soulful version of The Rolling Stones.

WHAT THEY JERK TO: Kenny Neal, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Gladys Knight, and Big Bill Morganfield

BEST SONG: “Ease My Worried Mind.” With flourishing electric guitar and vibrant melodies, this song will have you singing (possibly off-key) right along with Kelly.

WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN UP: This band doesn’t play like the blues singers you dread listening to at your grandparents’ house. Kelly’s sensational voice, mixed with the band’s dramatic touches, will make your foot tap and head bob until the final drum roll.

UNLIKELY SOURCE OF INSPIRATION: When the band fools around during a rehearsal, Kelly tells them to just play. Like magic, a song usually happens.

WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THEM: Dinosaur Bar-B-Que, various clubs and benefits, and the Westcott Street Cultural Fair.

THE BAND PROMISES: The crowd will easily connect with Kelly’s fervid voice and lusty melodies. The Carolyn Kelly Blues Band aims to have the audience interact with every passionate belt and feel their songs' intensity.

SEX

Dear Havana, As sick and twisted as this sounds, I get off on granny porn. In fact, nothing else even arouses me now. Why am I obsessed with women who could have birthed my mother?

Dear Havana, My girlfriend made me fuck her in the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit at my little cousin’s birthday party.

She can’t climax unless we screw in a public place.

But my little cousin could have seen us rattling.

Dear Wrinkled Fancies, Though I’ve never had the urge to climax to grandpa, some do share your fascination.

Rest assured, at least a few people out there watch their elders do the hanky panky—but not always because they want to jump in.

You have this compulsion not because old ladies naturally arouse you, but because they shouldn’t. That twisted feeling you get while beating your meat to granny porn excites you in a way that normal porn simply can’t match.

I won’t delve into whatever physical attractions you might have—wrinkly flaps or white tufts of hair, whatever. Regardless, you do like a little mileage on the tires. If this concerns you, other ways exisit to channel your elderly urges.

If a vanilla buttfuck scene seems a bit conventional for you, explore other nontraditional whoopee web vids. Give anime porn a try. Cartoony and freakish, these characters can provide a wondrous new realm. And remember the creators can draw them to fulfill every one of your depraved fantasies.

Just stay away from animal porn. You want your freak flag to fly at half-mast, not wave proudly for anyone perusing your browser's recent history. Not even the delete key can erase that shame.

Dear Ball-Pit Baller, Shooting your load all over the town could end badly—especially with a man in a giant mouse costume standing only feet away. Your special lady wants to tango your mangos in public because of the danger. She gets to fuck her favorite man with the constant chance of getting busted at any moment. The chance of getting caught with your pants down (literally) excites her. This public ploughing combines stimulation and risk, sparking the perfect recipe for arousing her naughty parts.

If you feel uncomfortable doing the dirty in dressing rooms, movie theaters, or lecture halls during a snowstorm, set some boundaries.

If she needs an audience, start with discreet public foreplay. While sitting at the red-andwhite checkered Chuck E. Cheese’s table with a pizza in front of you, reach under the table and caress her inner thigh. Pretend to whisper into her ear, and instead nibble on the side of her neck. Subtle teasing in public will rev both of your engines for the main event in private.

These flirtatious previews will have her ripping your clothes off with her teeth by the time you reach the bedroom. Gradually wean her from public to private lovemaking, like leading her with your penis as the prize. You’ll get the fireworks without the audience. JM

Send your sexual conundrums to sex@jerkmagazine.net

58 JERK

•

12.12

JERK

•

12.12 59

Hobbit Heaven Between finals and the imminent stress of spending more than an hour with your extended family, of course you want to escape to a fantasyland.

And worry not—December is already chock-full of fairy tales. Kick off your troll-fighting adventures with Peter Jackson’s first installment of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, arriving in theaters Dec. 14.

If that’s not enough, here are a few more entertaining gifts from the elves.

MUSIC

FILM Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

The Shee

If Tolkien’s classic adventure doesn’t fulfill your

When you need some Enya-like crooning on a

wildest fantasies, take on this twisted tale. Starring

rainy day, take a chance with one of Celtic music’s

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as bounty

best all-female bands, The Shee. With their third

hunters out for revenge, Hansel and Gretl: Witch

album Murmurations out this year, the ladies

Hunters puts the grim back in the Brothers Grimm.

whimsical vocals and traditional strings will take

This evil-fighting duo's story hits theaters Jan. 25.

you all the way back to the Shire. To sample their music, check out allcelticmusic.com.

ART John Howe

TELEVISION Merlin Stop limiting your fantasy to Middle Earth. If

Even through tears at the end of The Return of

Gandalf didn’t cast enough spells for your inner-

the King, we hope you noticed the sick character

fanboy, check out Syfy’s interpretation of Merlin’s

designs shown during the end credits. You can

Middle Ages. The show follows the infamous

thank one of the trilogy’s chief conceptual

wizard

an

designers and acclaimed Middle-earth illustrator

acquaintance of Prince Arthur. Garnering a loyal

John Howe. Check out the rest of Howe’s work at

following after originally airing on BBC, season

john-howe.com, but trust us, keep a tissue on

five of Merlin premieres in January.

hand this time.

during

60 JERK

•

his

12.12

younger

years

as

Hobbit Heaven. http://www.filmofilia.com. 10 Nov 2012; Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. http://www.aceshowbiz.com. 10 Nov 2012; The Shee. http://www.volkshaus-tungendorf.de. 10 Nov 2012; Merlin. http://www.seriestv.org. 10 Nov 2012; John Howe. http://artistinsight.blogspot.com. 10 Nov 2012

SYNAPSE

speakeasy Story by AbbyLeigh Charbonneau : Photos by Kristina Subsara The Schine Dunkin’ Donuts ladies are the keepers of the caffeine, the empresses of espresso, and the reason why your GPA hasn't plummeted.

You’ve got three finals tomorrow and a paper to write. An all-nighter looms in your future. In these dark times, you turn to your best friend— caffeine. Sleep-deprived, you quickly forget who handed you that precious cappafrappelatte. Jerk grabbed a cup of joe with two Schine Dunkin' Donuts employees, Kathy Stenner and Debbie LeClair, for perspective from behind the counter.

You have both seen a lot of students walk through these doors.

Debbie: Oh yeah, they come back too. We get some of our favorite students. We had one girl give us plants at the end of the year!

Kathy: They come in and say, “I have a cold.

What do I do? Where’s the tea?” So we’ll say, “There’s tea over there, there’s hot coffee over there.” Stuff like that.

I bet you’re surrogate moms for a lot of students.

Kathy: Yes, we are!

Debbie: We try and help them. We tell them, “Listen—study hard.” I’m sure they know they’re supposed to do that, but we kid with them.

Kathy: They could be our kids—how I want somebody to treat my daughter is how I treat these students.

Debbie: They’re maybe not as talkative, but you can tell there’s a difference. You almost feel like they’re rushed, but I wouldn’t say they’re snippy.

Kathy: But they appear tired. You look at them, and you can tell that they’re tired.

How long was the longest line you’ve ever had?

Kathy: I would say almost to the bookstore.

Debbie: And you feel bad, but what are you gonna do?

Kathy: We try to go as fast as we can. I mean sometimes we have six people working behind there and other times only three.

Debbie: But you get a flow goin’ and get people that can work together. Then it just seems like a nice smooth wheel.

What’s the most coffee you’ve ever seen one person drink?

Debbie: It’s when they get the extra shots—those espresso shots.

Kathy: They get lattes and still want extra shots.

Debbie: Remember that kid came in and said he wanted six? We looked at him and said, “Six?” Kathy: We said, “Do you know what that is?”

We explained it to him, ‘cause we’re not gonna just do it—that’s a lot of caffeine. We don’t want anybody hurting themselves, or whatever.

During finals week, a lot of the students are stressed out. Do they ever get snippy?

Kathy: Well no, I wouldn’t say snippy.

61 JERK

•

11.12

JERK

•

12.12 61

DISCOVERSYR Speach Family Candy Shoppe

Four generations of chocolate connoisseurs.

2400 Lodi St.

By Melissa Goldberg : Photos by Andrew Renneisen Shelves of handcrafted plaster Christmas figurines surround Speach Family Candy Shoppe owner Michael Speach Jr. He climbs up a ladder, attaching white glittery snowflakes to the store's ceiling. As a teenage girl enters, Speach Jr.—wearing a navy pinstriped button-down with the store’s name embroidered in royal blue— hops down and walks behind the counter’s filled display cases.

The girl’s eyes scan the glass shelves filled with pounds of various truffles— from maple walnut to white chocolate— and dozens of miniature chocolates.

Overwhelmed by the selection, she looks up at Speach Jr. and asks for assistance.

He suggests his most popular treat, “I’ll Be Dipped” chocolate-covered potato chips.

Speach Jr. nails it—the customer walks out with a carton of the Uncle Joe's Peanut Butter Flavored Chocolate variety. With piercing light blue eyes and a youthful smirk, he says, “Candy has been in my blood for 30 years.”

Since 1920, the Speach family has satisfied Central New York’s sweet tooth. The family tradition began four generations ago with Michael Speach— born Michele Spicciati—who named the business the M. Speach Candy Company.

62 JERK

•

12.12

Today, Speach, Jr. spends at least 60 hours a week operating the three-story candyland on the corner of Court and Lodi streets. Even though he’s modernized some store elements—large flat screen TVs display digital menus—he remains loyal to the nearly century-old recipes, translated from his great-grandfather’s native language, Italian. “Even when we do the peanut brittle and toffee, most of those recipes are the old, copper pot recipes,” Speach Jr. explains. “We had to alter them now that we have induction ovens and induction cook tops. You don’t have to worry about carrying a huge copper pot that's 200 pounds by itself.”

Even when selecting which candies to sell, it’s clear that Speach Jr. prefers tradition. The store’s collection of rare, often nostalgic candy makes it unique.

Candy Buttons, Mary Janes, Mexican Hats, Satellite Wafers, Wax Bottles, and Lucky Lights candy cigarettes fill 60 oldfashioned glass cookie jars. “I won't sell a Hershey bar. You can buy a Hershey bar at a corner store,” Speach Jr. says.

“I’ll find Whatchamacallits or Mars bars or something that would be a little more uncommon or harder for people to find.

That’s what I really pursue.” jm JERK

•

12.12 63

FORM&FUNCTION

HOW TO DRESS FOR A HOLIDAY DINNER

Holiday decorations: Bright and shiny to match my soul.

Fruitcake: Not even Jesus could save this.

Menorah: Eight opportunites for accidental arson.

Bad gift: So much for an iPad mini.

Sweater: Knitted with love, from Great Aunt Ethel.

Dinner table: Reconnect, reminisce, resent.

PHOTOGRAPHER: ALTAN JAMES STYLIST: ZOEY TOPPER MODEL: KYLE SUBA

64 JERK

••

11.12 12.12