Jerk April 2013

APRIL 2013 VOL XII ISSUE V SYRACUSE, NEW YORK your student fee

CONTENTS APRIL 2013 7 FROM THE EDITOR Daenerys Targaryen FEEDBACK PEEPS JERK THIS BACKDROP The Bee Man Candle Company 12 WEB SHOUT OUT 13 TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL Poetry 14 OBITCHUARY Dating Websites

8 9 10 11

20 20 RADIO-INACTIVE We're more at risk for a nuclear catastrophe than you think.

30

38

22 (A)SEXUAL HEALING

14

It’s time to stop caring about sexual preference.

BITCH OPINIONS

Photo by Alyssa Greenberg

30 A BAZAAR WORLD 62 SYNAPSE

Two grads bring fashion e-commerce to SU.

The Holey Grail

SMUT FEATURES

63 SPEAKEASY Halo Tattoo

64 DISCOVERSYR

46

Lakeland Winery

66 FORM AND FUNCTION 46 STITCH

How to Dress like a Tour Guide

Lacquer-coated jewelry is the best mistake ever.

16 34

16 BREAKING BEYONCE Shattering the illusion of Queen Bey.

34 HELL ON WHEELS

22

GAWK FASHION

Meet 10 extraordinary members of the Syracuse community.

58 REWIND

48

Johnny Marr

22 ALL WORK, NO PAY 18 FREEZER BURN Equal pay for women is a must, but it doesn't start with egg freezing.

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Le Moyne janitors fight to stay above the breadline.

52 52 JERK AWARDS

Assault City Roller Derby plays by their own rules in the rink.

17 SELL IT TO ME, BABY Facebook ads know who you are, and you should probably get over it.

NOISE ARTS & MUSIC

60 AMPLIFIED 38 WRITING ON THE WALL Embrace the aerosol.

48 HIGH NOTES Exercise your vocal pipes with Singers Karaoke Club in Solvay.

Satellite Hearts

61 SEX COLUMN Vibrating panties and fat sex.

Cover by Alyssa Greenberg

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FROM THE EDITOR Christina Sterbenz EDITOR

Kelly Peters EXECUTIVE EDITOR

Nicole Fisher MANAGING EDITOR

E DITORIA L

Melissa Goldberg ASST. FEATURES EDITOR Iona Holloway ARTS AND MUSIC EDITOR Daisy Becerra ASST. ARTS AND MUSIC EDITOR Daniel Taroy OPINIONS EDITOR Jillian D'Onfro ASST. OPINIONS EDITOR Sarah Schuster STYLE EDITOR Noah Silverstein ASST. STYLE EDITOR Julie Kosin RESEARCH EDITOR Laura Cohen COPY EDITOR Lauryn Botterman COPY EDITOR Leigh Miller FACT CHECKER Kerry Wolfe FACT CHECKER Cori Rosen FRESHMAN INTERN Taylor Henry FEATURES EDITOR

DE S IG N

Cassie Skoras Rebecca Mass Natalie Accorso, Jen Powers

CREATIVE DIRECTOR DESIGN DIRECTOR DESIGNERS AR T

Jason Egitto Alyssa Greenberg ASST. PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR Sarah Kinslow STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER Allen Chiu ILLUSTRATORS Jaycee Checo, Adam Day, Gabi Hastings ,Sasha Pincus ILLUSTRATION DIRECTOR

PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

P UB LIC RE LAT ION S

Sam Press Rachel Blum, Remi Maggio, Ryan McGlynn COMM. DIRECTOR PR REPS

WEB

Joelle Hyman WEB EDITOR Riyana Straetker COPY EDITOR Charlotte Stockdale FACT CHECKER Teresa Nigolian BLOG EDITOR Julia Fuino ASST. BLOG EDITOR Emily Maloney ASST. BLOG EDITOR Chelsey Perry

EXECUTIVE WEB EDITOR

B US IN E S S

Nicole Inniss Patrick Brennan AD REPRESENTATIVES Nikeya Alfred, Perri Fetner, Jacob Gillon, Rachel Meyer, Elizabeth Pisarenko AD DESIGNER Hannah Blauner PUBLISHER

AD DIRECTOR

M ULT IM E DIA

Brandon Weight MULTIMEDIA ASST. Annie Pettinga SOCIAL MEDIA Mariann Yip WEB GRAPHICS Sara Easterling, Ilana Goldmeier

MULTIMEDIA EDITOR

CONTRIBUTORS

Shanice Bland, Emily Capobianco, Kirsten Celo, Samantha Cooper, Tori Coté, Ian DaRin, Lara Gould, Maya Kosoff, Judy Lee, Jane McCurn, Annie Menna, Nancy Oganezov, Danielle A Preiss, Maggie Reilly, Kayla Rice, Melia Robinson, Heather Rounds, Nicolas Sessler, Shijin, Shira Stoll, Lise Germaine Sukhu, CJ Taglione, Lucia Urizar, Michelle van Dalen, Shijing Wang

As I sat in bed, wracking my brain for a worthwhile writing topic, I wasn’t alone. Emilia Clarke, with an adolescent dragon perched on her shoulder, stared at me from my laptop’s background. But it’s not the petite, flaxen-haired actress I love. It’s the resilient, ruthless "mother of dragons" that she plays: Daenerys Targaryen. (Those of you who don’t watch Game of Thrones should ignore all of your responsibilities for the next week and catch up.)

In the first two seasons, Dany transforms herself from a timid child to a capable dictator—without much help. Yes, marrying Khal Drogo catapulted her to queendom but not by her own choice. Dany’s brother traded her to Khal like chattel. And when her hubby had sharpened his last eyeliner, Dany lost her child and any power within the tribe.

Even Cersei Lannister, arguably the second-most ambitious female on the show (and the bitchiest), hides behind her brat son, King on the Iron Throne, to accomplish her evil agenda.

In fact, Dany continually alienates the GoT men. Most notably, when a wealthy merchant refuses to offer ships to her conquest, she shouts, “I will take what is mine with fire and blood!" Finally. I've seen enough women on television attain success with manipulation and a great push-up bra. By refusing to capitalize on her sexuality or limit her ferocity, Dany breaks multiple female stereotypes. I mean, most women don’t eat horse hearts to prove themselves. America’s diva-sweetheart, Beyonce, would rather die than coat her bootylicious body in animal blood. Get ready to roll your eyes about her image as the perfect pop-star on page 16.

Now we can’t always take cues from Dany. Even though Equal Pay Day falls on April 9, threatening to decapitate your boss in exchange for a raise could cause tension in workplace. But other options exist. Take the entrepreneurial lady duo behind SYR BAZAAR, a site offering online shopping to Cuse. Read their rags to runway story on page 30. And Dany certainly wouldn’t freeze her eggs to have a career. She’d have quintuplets and demand her employer provide paid maternity leave and top-notch childcare. Check page 18 to learn how America sidesteps gender equality in the workplace.

Girl Power,

Through its content, Jerk is dedicated to enhancing insight through communication by providing an informal platform for the freedom of expression. The writing contained within this publication expresses the opinions of the individual writers. The ideas presented in this publication do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Jerk Editorial Board. Furthermore, Jerk will not be held responsible for the individual opinions expressed within. Submissions, suggestions, and opinions are welcomed and may be printed without contacting the writer. Jerk reserves the right to edit or refuse submissions at the discretion of its editors. Jerk Magazine is published monthly during the Syracuse University academic year. All contents of the publication are copyright 2013 by their respective creators. No content may be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the Jerk Editorial Board.

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Christina Sterbenz

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FEEDBACK

PEEPS Everyone hates us. April Fools! But some of you do have your own opinions. We guess we have to respect those. Haters gonna hate or something like that. Check out what campus said about Jerk last month.

Shaina Riley @shainabrynn Yo, @jerkmagazine, your copy editors are slacking. I doubt Andy Gruhin in the Amplified section is a “singer-wongwriter”…

26 Mar Allison Weeks @aliceinwnd3rlnd I've found a small fix for the void that the absence of @girlsHBO created and it is @jerkmagazine #ohyouwittyhipsters 26 Mar

SEND US SOME LOVE @jerkmagazine

Jerk Magazine 126 Schine Student Center Syracuse, NY 13244 jerk@jerkmagazine.net

Taylor Trimarchi @tntrimar BEAUTIFUL work @NoahBenj @svetjacqueline @Kanyeesus @JOELLEHYMAN in @jerkmagazine. #Grunge shot is amazing 26 Mar Erin Reimel @erin_reimel Loved the Jerk Mag. article on #subtweeting! Definitely something people should be reading! #busted 27 Mar

Flowers for Spring? They actually

The only time seeing a black cat

are groundbreaking when

means you're in luck: You've found

hand-carved into a candle.

yourself at Lakeland Winery.

"The Outsiders" in our March issue as Taylor. We also failed to credit illustrator Jaycee Checo for his work featured in our sex column. We apologize for the errors.

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LUCIA URIZAR

Octopuses may have eight legs, but they’ve also

If you’re a twin in Guatemala, looking like another

got three hearts, says Tori Coté, a junior in the

person is the least of your worries: you get a

Bandier program for music and entertainment

rhyming or identical name, too. A senior political

studies. When not spouting marine facts, Coté

science and international relations major, Ana

loves tea, cookies, and Swedish people—a

Lucia Urizar—and her twin Ana Gabriela—cut their

dormant attraction she unearthed while writing a

losses and go by their middles names. Get Lucia’s

review of Sally Shapiro’s new album on page 59.

tips on repurposing old nail polish to make new jewelry on page 46.

BEHIND THE SCENES WITH SMUT

Our Bad. We incorrectly credited photographer Trevor Zalkind for

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TORI COTE

DANIELLE PREISS

ANNIE MENNA

When not chatting in Nepali, Danielle Preiss

“History proves that minority’s and women's

is a magazine and online journalism and

rights win out in the end,” says Annie Menna,

environmental science graduate student, which

who wrote about egg freezing on page 18.

made her a shoo-in for covering the Bee Man

When not researching reproductive rights,

Candle Company on page 11. Cool bee shit

Menna recites The Lion King verbatim. If Mufasa

Preiss learned: South American bayberry wax

dying makes you cry, head to Menna’s favorite

production has an inverse labor relationship with

cafe, Recess Coffee House, to weep with this

the drug trade—when the drugs are flowing, no

sophomore anthropology major.

one’s making wax. Good to know.

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BACKDROP

JERK THIS

APRIL

The Bee Man Candle Company

THIS MONTH'S APPROVED EVENTS

Behind the Buzz 7

5-6

Antique Show and Sale Pop some tags for hipster grandpas all over upstate New York at the 37th Annual Antique Show and Sale at the Manlius Historical Society.

17

Peter Pan at the Oncenter Fly back to Neverland and relive your childhood by seeing Peter Pan battle Captain Hook at the Oncenter. It’s the only acceptable venue to vocalize your belief in fairies—take advantage of it.

20

13-14

Great Cloth Diaper Change Steal someone’s poopy kid and head to Basic Baby at Shoppingtown Mall to help break the world record for the most diapers changed . It may be the smelliest way to get into Guinness—but at least it's good practice for when you knock up your college sweetheart!

22 26

Hug an Australian Day Celebrate Hug an Australian Day on April 26 by finding the nearest Hemsworth brother (or any Aussie) and giving him a squeeze. Hug a kangaroo for extra props.

Earth Day Since we suggested you spend 4/20 with wailing infants, relax the right way today. Spend a few hours sprawled under your favorite oak or tromping around Green Lakes State Park. Then head to the ESF quad for a Cultural Festival from 3:30 – 6:30 pm.

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PHOTO CREDITS: http://ic.pics.livejournal.com (antique), http://media1.agfg.com.au (tea), http://scotsmanonline.com (pancakes), http:// www.tumblr.com (peter pan), http://nuucat.com (diapers), http://the-gaggle.com (hugging), http://www.kvantov-prehod.org (earth day)

The Central New York Maple Festival Come for the crafts, stay for the pancake contest. This recognition of all things maple stems from Iroquois tradition. If you play your cards right, you may even get crowned the Maple Queen.

“All the Niceties,” a Victorian Tea Grab your teacups and crumpets and head to the Onondaga Historical Association Museum for a lesson in tea-time etiquette.

"It's a natural product," Howell says. "The bees' diets vary so chemically the wax can differ from source to source."

“Everything is done by hand—all handpoured, hand-crafted,” Howell says. “I want people to burn our candles and enjoy them.”

“The thing that we sell the most of are tea lights,” Howell says. “We offer 34 different colors.”

By Danielle Preiss : Photos by Shira Stoll After 21 years in the business, Brian Howell’s still got the bug—for beekeeping. He learned the trade from a neighbor and founded the Bee Man Candle Company at age 12. Howell now sells his beeswax candles to clients like Terrain, a branch of Urban Outfitters, and the Smithsonian. Even the White House caught the buzz in 2010.

Basing his business in North Carolina for the last six years, the Canastota native relocated to his hometown last October.

Now he’s dreaming big: Howell envisions an all-inclusive, 100-percent-natural bee

products company—think Burt’s Bees, before the Clorox buyout.

But money isn't everything for this bee man. Sure, he’s proud of winning Martha Stewart’s American Made Business Award and appearing in Elle Décor, InStyle, and Modern Bride. But Howell wants to educate the public on the importance of bees through honey tastings and beekeeping workshops, like his nine-week course starting in April.

For Howell, this has always been a lifelong job. “If you’re gonna be a beekeeper, you gotta be a beekeeper,”he says. JM

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WEB SHOUT OUT WEBSITE

TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL MULTIMEDIA

Ah, poetry: the fastest way to a lover’s heart, a friend’s soul, or the bathroom to purge all that sentimental crap out of your system. In honor of Poetry Month, Jerk asked 50 students at Bird Library for their thoughts on rhyme, meter, and Snoop Lion. Now go hunt down your old copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends.

Fill in the blanks: That kid in math class is _____/Why won’t he realize______/All you want is to ________.

Smart, sexy, technologically advanced: The boys at BeginU have it all. Check out their exclusive interview in our Trailblazers column on jerkmagazine.net.

Socrates, born in Athens in the 5th century BCE, marks a watershed in Ancient Greek philosophy.

- @Harry_Styles

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32% pretty weird, he has food stuck in his beard, see him sheared

HONEST TO BLOG We consider ourselves provocative but not nearly as much as VICE. The Montreal-based publication's noteworthy “Dos and Don'ts” blog is vital for any person above the age of 18 with a pulse. From fashion faux pas—fishnets as pants—to public no-no's like posing with your partner for a picture doggy style, VICE is there to capture and post it all. If you're going to be aimless in Bird for seven hours, let it be in the name of secondhand shame. But don’t let it get to your head—“Do’s and Don’ts” also takes reader submissions. Public humiliation may be one click away. http://www.vice.com/dos-and-donts.

FOLLOW, DON’T LEAD facebook.com/jerkmagazine @jerkmagazine @jerkmagazine Jerkify Syracuse vimeo.com/jerkmagazine

Your undying love for Nutella

him you’ve guessed

PHOTO CREDITS: Courtesy of Lauren Teng

When philosopher and writer Alain de Botain threw Harry Styles—one fifth of Brit-pop boy band One Direction—under the bus in UK newspaper Metro, it took mere hours for Styles to rebut Botain's stance that he should use his Internet following to educate his mass following. Botain explains, "In an ideal world Harry Styles would be teaching his 10 million Twitter followers a little more about Greek philosophy." The notably self-aware 19-year-old savvily responded with the above tweet. Besides philosophical confrontations, Styles’ feed reads refreshingly more like the brooding indie guy you spot smoking outside of Shaffer than a tween dream. Followers will be surprised to find name drops of bands you probably never heard of and enough Yiddish to make your Bubby faint. We hate to admit it, but he's charming, adorable, and almost makes us want to press play on a One Direction track.

42% cheating off your test, that bets not his best, warn

Occasionally, you'll spot a nauseatingly wellput-together person on this campus. Like rare birds, members of this select group should be treasured, admired, and never killed for the sake of keeping you warm on a cold night– mostly because skinning is frowned upon.

Take a peek into closets across campus with Jerk’s newest web series, Closet Case.

PHOTO CREDITS: http://animals.nationalgeographic.com (raven), http://foodbitch.me (nutella), instigaytor.com (guy), http://lacacamola.tumblr.com (bed)

TWITTER ICON

If you were forced to write a poem, you’d focus on:

46%

16% such a tease, he gives you wobbly knees, grab his dick and squeeze

Kittens and glitter

10% a teacher’s pet, he deserves your threats, make him incur credit card debt

30%

What’s by far the most annoying form of poetry?

Wooing back your ex.

That’s not creepy, right?

36% Limerick—There once was a man from—stop 26% Haiku—Keeping things so short, counting syllables is dumb, can’t complete a thought.

14%

20% Prose—Stream of consciousness? More like stream of bullshit.

Awkward, misguided threesomes

18% Iambic pentameter—Shakespeare had to do things the hard way.

Which poem annoyed you the most in high school?

I’m Nobody! Who are you? by Emily 42%

Dickinson—“Nobody” my ass. If she were nobody you wouldn’t have to analyze 15 of her poems.

28%

The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe —At least you’ll have to read it nevermore.

22%

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud by William Wordsworth—Syracuse clouds always seems like they have plenty of company, so…

8%

10%

Worst rap rhymes: 36% She got a big booty/So I call her Big Booty – “Birthday Song,” 2 Chainz 32% Bikinis, zucchinis, martinis/No weenies – “California Girls,” Snoop Dogg 20% Now Google that groupies. Follow me like Twitter/ I'm rolling up my catnip and shitting in your litter – “Gucci, Gucci,” Kreayshawn 12% I’ll break it down for you now, baby it’s simple/If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho – “Candy Shop,” 50 Cent

in Just by e.e. cummings—Enough with the lowercase letters, already.

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BITCH OBITCHUARY

FRAMED

RIP: Dating Websites

1995-2012

By Joelle Hyman

Cause of death: Tinder

After a three-month stint on life support, Dating Website died tragically last month at just 18 years old.

Dating Website lived colorfully, claiming loyalty as his best trait, lying about his weight, and showing all signs of what we now recognize as complete and utter sociopathy. Born in 1995 to (notably single) Match.com, he watched as multiple partners—including JDate, eHarmony, Christian Mingle, Zoosk, and Black People Meet—came forward to compete for the title of “father.” This period led to an extreme lack of confidence and identity issues.

Despite his flaws, many found solace in Dating Website. He created moments of escape from otherwise mundane lives, and gave his suitors the ability to look 15 years younger via strategic photo crops.

After a stream of partners, Dating Website found his match: Facebook. The pair met at a coffee shop after talking for several weeks.

On their first date, they traded favorite quotes (“Live, laugh, love”), bands (Maroon 5 is so not a guilty pleasure), and books (Catcher in the Rye, obviously). The pair had sex in the backseat of a Camaro. The night of window steaming resulted in pregnancy, but when Facebook tried to make it official, Dating Website rebutted with, “It’s complicated.”

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Facebook raised the child as a single parent and named her Tinder. Tinder was approaching her first birthday when a car speeding down Error 404 Highway hit Dating Website. Fortunately, Tinder inherited all her mother’s good qualities and avoided the mistakes of her dad. Using Facebook’s best features showing mutual friends and interests—Tinder has brought college-aged adults from opposite sides of the quad into the same bedroom. Tinder succeeded where Dating Website failed: eliminating the awkward, pseudo-flirty element of “describing yourself” to get attention.

Now, a simple swipe to the left or right can open the door (within a 100-mile radius) to a star-crossed lover you never might have found. Mutual friends: None. Common interests: One Direction, Breaking Bad, The Smiths, and Sriracha.

Though Dating Website was generally unfaithful and manipulative, many, including your drunk Uncle Frank, will miss him. The network of people he brought together, though, will be better off without him. We send our regards (in the form of a Farmville fruit basket) to Facebook during this difficult time. As for Tinder, we hope her daddy issues don’t lead to too many desperate pleas for late-night attention. JM

Zombie

By Evan Bujold

Pencil and digital drawing “My drawings are interconnected in some way. Working with numerous points of connection make for a great story with a lot of available imagery.

—Evan Bujold Showcase your work in Framed. Email art@jerkmagazine.net.

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BITCH

BITCH

Yeah, she’s bootylicious. But the Queen of Pop doesn’t really “have it all.”

In an Internet world full of advertisements, they might as well get personal.

By Michelle Van Dalen : Illustration by Adam Day She employs someone to videotape her every waking moment for up to 16 hours each day. She dedicates a room for archiving every scrap of her media coverage, including self-suggested home videos. She puts every ounce of her energy into fabricating her flawless, controlled, public image. Ahh, Beyoncé Knowles.

We may worship every hair on her perfectly styled head, but our beloved Sasha Fierce just can’t be who we see in the media.

Let’s cut to the chase—we don’t idolize Beyoncé Knowles. We idolize the restricted and plasticized version of the woman.

We glamorize Beyoncé’s life and persona because we’re in love with what we’re looking at, reading about, and witnessing in the media. But we’re just seeing what Beyoncé wants us to see. Or, really, what she doesn’t want us to see—the vast, unhealthy measures she takes to make us admire her self-imposed image. Makes her not so worth idolizing, huh?

This is a woman whose publicist sent emails to BuzzFeed “respectfully requesting” they remove “unflattering” photos of Beyoncé’s Super Bowl performance. Come on, Beyoncé.

Set a better example for the young,

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By Sarah Schuster : Illustration by Sasha Pincus

impressionable minds of tomorrow. There’s something scary about a woman who is so hung-up on how others perceive her physical appearance, despite so much actual talent and a kick-ass performance.

As far as her infamous HBO “documentary,” Beyoncé produced, directed, and starred in Life Is But a Dream, making it hardly more than a montage of painstakingly selected, non-candid scenes.

In the 90-minute film, Bey utters various singular first-person pronouns a whopping 577 times, according to New York Magazine.

Beyoncé might want the last word when it comes to her media presence, but today it’s my turn. Cut the “I’m so vulnerable” act you exude in your film. I’m not buyin’ it.

We can’t trust any moments of confession from somebody who never lets her guard down. It’s neither vulnerability nor humilty you suffer from, Beyoncé, as you hang onto a narcissistic need for control at its most extreme. And to the future girls running the world: you should know living life the Bey way isn’t all that healthy. JM

An ad for my ex-boyfriend’s budding music career recently interrupted a casual scroll down my Facebook feed. I rolled my eyes and closed the window.

Another day, on a news site, his face appeared again. Then again, on a different site. What the hell, universe?! Before panicking, I remembered browsing his personal website a few days before. Damn it. Immediately, I deleted my search history and took a breath. Crisis averted.

This recurring ad for my ex wasn’t karma being a bitch; it was an example of interestbased advertising. These advertisements appear when web analytic companies use cookies—small pieces of data sent from a website and stored in your web browser— to help advertisers reach more targeted audiences.

Creepy? Maybe. But you can thanks advertisements for getting so much free content. If it weren't for advertising, we'd all have to pay for sites like Pandora, Facebook, and news outlets. Hell no am I paying $9.99 a month for the commercial-less premium version of Spotify. We’re so used to getting free content that we forget there’s someone on the other end producing it—someone who needs to get paid. Advertising is part of

the deal, so it might as well be for products we might actually want.

A company called AdChoices is making this process more transparent. They add a blue arrow icon on any ad that is interestbased. With a click, the arrow directs you to the customer service page of the company that tracked your information and chose that ad just for you. There, you’re given the option to opt-out, meaning you can actually say, “Stop stalking my cookies, please,” and they’ll get their paws out of your cookie jar.

Facebook is actually late to the game.

Recently, the Online Interest-Based Advertising Accountability Program called out the company for mining users’ personal information for interest-based advertising without proper warning. Soon, Facebook too, will be using AdChoices—with that little blue arrow a little harder to find. To see if a Facebook ad targets you, you have to x-out of it. The telltale little icon will appear underneath.

So next time you start complaining about your not-actually-private online privacy, consider why the ads are there, and know you do have a choice.

And if anything, it’ll just give you motivation to stop stalking your exboyfriend. That’s one cookie I no longer want in my browsing history. JM

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BITCH

BITCH

When career women freeze their eggs to delay childbirth, they halt gender equality, too.

By Annie Menna : Illustration by Emily Capobianco In about a month, students in polyester robes will line the Carrier Dome to receive a slip of paper that (supposedly) guarantees entry into the professional workforce. But for the women who leave the Dome that day, the professional workforce is a system stacked against them.

Working the same job as men, women make an average of 77 percent of what men do. Those statistics aren't acceptable.

Social scientists and politicians might call it discrimination, but that’s just a vague, less aggressive way to describe the condescending “Good Old Boys Club” that rules from on high.

Companies see women as unreliable bets—especially once they start having children. Employers don’t want to gamble on a woman who may end up choosing the needs of her child over the needs of her job.

God forbid we become erratic, irrational creatures in the throes of our third trimester.

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And please excuse the massive bellies causing traffic jams between the cubicles.

But, for every woman who fights for both a career and a family, a solution might exist: postpone the baby.

The birth control pill was the first device—after the fallible condom—created to stop pregnancy. A woman could get an education, work her way up the ladder to financial job stability, and then decide to have a baby or not. In the modern workplace though, having kids “too soon” can cost a woman her hard-earned success.

On top of it, birth control pills can’t slow a woman’s “ticking clock.” Looks like ice is the answer: women now resort to eggfreezing, the latest attempt to cock-block a discriminatory work environment.

Egg-freezing has become the new family planning fad. For women past 40 (when 90 percent of their eggs are “dying”) egg donation was once popular. Technically

though, that meant raising someone else’s kid. Now a woman can store her eggs in a freezer until she decides that she is ready to reproduce. All this for a price that may exceed $28,000—depending on how long it takes to retrieve the eggs and store them.

Diane Sawyer has reportedly always recommended egg-freezing to her staff.

Aside from the possible health dangers— infection, bleeding, ovarian cysts, and a potential link to cancer—it seems like a harmless solution. Employers can push the idea all they want—they just need to ensure their employees make seven figures salaries.

Until the price tag shrinks, egg-freezing will never reach the popularity of the pill.

And, really, it shouldn’t have to. Instead, we need to address the root of this warped perception; a woman’s potential to get pregnant shouldn’t be a workplace burden.

The United States is one of the only industrialized countries that doesn’t require

employees to offer paid maternity leave— and if a woman decides to temporarily opt-out to have a child, her chances of getting back into the workforce are slim.

According to The New York Times, 30 percent of mom’s who leave the labor force for motherhood can’t rejoin.

Obama made progress with the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which gives women the ability to sue over unequal pay. But this does jack-shit towards solving the root of gender discrimination. We need to address the patriarchal perception of women in the workforce, not just ways to beat the system or our “ticking clocks.” And keep in mind that a woman suffered through bloated ankles and tiny bladders to give birth to every single one of us, even the employers in suits blocking workplace equality. JM

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BITCH

BITCH In the past, a hurricane would land in the Northeast once every 100 years. As our climate changes, however, weather patterns stop being predictable. If you recall, we just had two hurricanes in a row. The last one, Hurricane Sandy, gave us quite the ass whooping, causing billions of dollars in damages to public and private property. We weren’t ready for that.

To slow the assault of Franken-storms, we’re trying to burn less fossil fuel. Sure,

nuclear power is relatively clean (fist bump, Mother Earth), but it’s just too dangerous to keep around. Nuclear power plants are time bombs just waiting for natural disasters, terrorist attacks, or human error to spark the fuse. We need to start trading power reactors with solar panels and radioactive materials with wind turbines before the next Hurricane Sandy whollops the Great Lakes region and turns Syracuse into a smoldering wreck. JM

With multiple power plants, can Central New York prevent nuclear disaster?

By Nicolas Sessler : Illustration by Jaycee Checo We’re addicted to energy. Without it, our food would go bad, our laptops wouldn’t work, the bus wouldn’t run, and we’d have to talk to people face-to-face when we wanted to communicate with them.

(Imagine that.) But few of us really know or care where this energy comes from. Here’s why you should: It could kill you any second.

In 1986, on an April day just like today, a nuclear reactor in the city of Pripyat, Ukraine exploded, contaminating the air and water with radiation. Dozens perished and the area remains uninhabitable to this day.

Syracuse is in a danger-zone of its own.

Turns out, a nuclear reactor—aka potential death factor—sits just an hour away, in Scriba, New York. Because nuclear reactors need to consume large amounts of water to avoid melting down, Scriba’s Fitzpatrick plant sits right next to Lake Ontario. A nearby body of water can mean trouble of a different nature, though. If this sounds like

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a startlingly familiar situation, flash back to the Fukushima disaster. On March 11, 2011, an earthquake off the coast of Japan formed a tidal wave that flooded many coastal villages, including Fukushima Daiichi, which held a nuclear power plant.

When water inundated the nuclear reactor at Fukushima, the back-up generators pumping water to cool the reactor failed. As a result, the fuel rods overheated, leading to a partial meltdown. Scriba’s Fitzpatrick plant shares the same design as Fukushima’s, and its proximity to the Great Lake could make it equally susceptible to a flood. We better write our wills now.

Nuclear meltdowns like these are liable to spread high levels of radiation throughout the surrounding area, poisoning all kinds of life—especially humans. If Scriba had a serious meltdown, Syracuse would have to be evacuated. This might not sound likely, but we live in strange times.

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BITCH

Sexual preference shouldn’t be part of the conversation.

By Leigh Miller : Illustration by Jane McCurn Imagine a world where everyone is infatuated with biting each others’ fingernails. And even when they’re not actually doing the biting, they’re talking about doing it. No one questions the habit, but you’re personally baffled.

Now, replace that awkward fingernail chewing with sex—welcome to the wonderfully confusing world of asexuality.

An asexual feels no sexual attraction to anyone. Just like those who define themselves as “straight” or “gay,” asexuals feel deeply rooted to their orientation as part of their identity, according to an article

by Columbia University law professor, Dr. Elizabeth Emens. Don’t confuse it with a desire for celibacy and forget that “moral declaration” bullshit––asexuals don’t choose their sexuality.

Though only one percent of the population says they've "never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all," the asexual movement is gaining awareness, and, subsequently, controversy.

Unlike the traditional anger toward homosexuality or bisexuality, disbelief dominates responses to asexuality.

Incredulousness is then quickly replaced by an attempted “diagnosis” based on the stereotypes of our sexualized society.

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Asexual blogger and activist Swankivy reports that she’s received the following retorts after expressing her asexuality—“You hate men,” “You have a hormone problem,” and “You just never had me in your bed.”

Any assumption about asexuality from someone who doesn't identify as “ace,” however, is entirely out of line. Asexuality disputes the societal belief that some kind of sexual attraction defines us, according to Emens. It makes people uncomfortable. Our hyper-sexualized society accepts nicknames like “horn dog” and “prude,” but the fact that someone could just not want to have sex astounds us.

But try to think of anything else––besides sex—that we so inherently believe everyone wants. Do you automatically assume every person wants to pierce his or her nipples? No, you don’t. Humans may have evolutionary instincts prodding us to reproduce, but sex, like any other activity, elicits no universal rule that everyone must want to do it.

Worse, assuming the right to question asexuality is intrinsically screwed up. Many non-virgin asexuals report criticism—people demand to know how someone could be born with no sexual attraction or desire to have sex, yet have fornicated.

The answer to that question resides in its own hostile, disbelieving roots. Negativity toward asexuality can make emerging aces fear that something is wrong with them.

According to Emens’s article, many asexuals lose their virginities and experiment with sex to fit in. But only two consequences can come from this: the asexual’s confirmation that they truly have no desire for sex and detrimental, emotional harm.

Our stereotyping and abrasive reactions make asexuals feel wrong or broken, but really, what the hell is wrong with us?

We don’t question someone coming out as gay who may have had straight sex. Just like we've learned to accept when a bisexual fucks a guy on Monday and a girl on

Tuesday. It’s all just part of the process.

We have no grounds to argue the existence of asexuality or make claims about what we can’t feel or experience ourselves. In the 21st century, after decades of discrimination and well on our way to total acceptance of other sexualities, you’d think we’d know better.

Instead of cross-examining others’ actions, orientations, and desires, let’s go ahead and take that juicy bite out of someone else’s fingernail. Then, maybe, we can turn that finger around and rename our confusion correctly—as ignorance. JM

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All Work, No Pay Paid far below Syracuse’s living wage, Le Moyne Janitors fight for the salary and benefits they deserve.

By Melissa Goldberg : Illustrations by Lise Germaine Sukhu Near the end of his five-hour shift, Acho Urufle stood against the doorway of the janitorial closet at Le Moyne College’s St. Mary’s Hall, gulping water.

“If you’re not working, then go home,” yelled Steve, the site supervisor, dropping a

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bucket at Urufle’s feet. It was the middle of January, and students’ snowboots caked the third floor hallway with muddy footprints.

Urufle had no choice but to work. Earning $10.70 an hour, and with five children at home—ages 15, 13, 11, 7 and 4—the bills

never ended. Any extra money he earned went toward English lessons at the West Side Learning Center.

Barely able to read English, Urufle chose chemicals from the closet’s shelves by the bottles’ colors and labels. He emptied them into the yellow, plastic bucket with no idea of their hazardous nature.

Walking toward the elevator, Steve stopped Urufle to tell him it was out of order. Urufle had to carry the 10-gallon bucket from the first floor to the third floor.

“I can’t,” Urufle protested, placing the bucket on the ground. “I can’t carry the water from downstairs to upstairs, and back downstairs again.”

“Don't talk to me,” Steve said, as picking up the bucket and shoving it into Urufle’s chest. “Go, go. Why aren’t you working?”

Urufle’s quads burned and his calves and ankles quivered as he climbed the stairs. He squeezed his forearms against the bucket, drawing it closer to his chest.

After cleaning the third floor hallway, Urufle descended the flights of stairs, keeping a tight grip on the heavy bucket.

But as Urufle moved one step to the next, his ankle caught under the previous stair. He and the bucket crashed to the ground. Floor stripper soaked his body, and streams of the dirty, chemical-ridden cleaning solution seeped into his eye.

Without access to an eye-washing station, Urufle begged Steve to let him go to the hospital for the chemical injury and take two or three days off to recover.

“I’ll give you an hour,” Steve replied.

Since September 2011, the Service Employees International Union Local 200 United—the janitors’ union—has tried to negotiate a deal with Le Moyne’s custodial subcontractor, Eagle Janitorial Services, to provide its 38 janitors, including Urufle, with a livable wage. While the City of Syracuse defines the living wage as $14.40 per hour without health care and $12.19 with employer-provided health care, 36 of Le Moyne College’s janitors earn $10.70 per

hour and only 11 full-time janitors make the cut. Despite equal workloads, Eagle forces the others to keep their schedules under 30 hours each week. The janitors average 118.53 hours a month, making their annual average salary $15,219.02.

But what started as a living wage debate transformed into a full-blown workers’ rights controversy after sub-par wages combined with poor working environments, harassment, and coercion prompted the janitors’ union to file Occupational Safety and Health Administration complaints on Jan. 14, 2013 and New York State Division of Human Rights violations against Eagle on Jan. 24, 2013.

“The number one struggle is just trying to make ends meet,” Dawn Clarry, political director of the janitors’ union, says. “But also, being able to do a job with dignity.

When you have supervisors harassing you because you’re from a different country, it’s really hard to go to work, hold your head up high, and be proud of your work.”

In March 2011, as Eagle’s contract neared expiration, Clarry and other janitors’ union staff members crafted a bargaining plan to bring the average Le Moyne janitorial salary in line with Syracuse’s living wage.

Compared to the janitorial wages at schools like Onondaga Community College, Syracuse University, and SUNY-ESF, Le Moyne pays their cleaning staff less than any other university or college in Central New York, and not by just a few cents. Their wages fall below other schools’ janitors by at least $1.50 per hour, or $2,133 each year.

While other independent contractors employed by Le Moyne face diminishing budgets, Eagle’s contract continues to grow. In 2006, Le Moyne paid $788,280 to the company. Five years later, the school paid Eagle more then $1 million for custodial services. Despite receiving a 29.8 percent contract increase, Eagle’s workers never saw more than a 2 percent increase in pay each year.

While debating the janitorial salary, the

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janitors’ union also uncovered patterns life, and it seems as though, what he found of employment discrimination. Of the 38 from our expectations, was in no way janitors employed at Le Moyne, Clarry a better life,” Kessner says. “It’s sort of estimates 60 to 65 percent have refugee embarrassing as an American, really.” status, mostly from African countries In addition to employment discrimination, like Ethiopia, Sudan, and Somalia. “This Eagle doesn’t provide workers with subcontractor went out of its way to hire adequate training for handling and mixing refugees,” Clarry says. “They knew that they corrosive chemicals. Eyewash stations and could get away with treating them badly protective equipment, like goggles or safety because they would be scared.” If a worker glasses, are an absent necessity. Janitors questioned his or her assignment or safety, struggle with language barriers, but Eagle Eagle threatened job termination, according does not provide translation services. Citing to a janitors’ union handout. Consequently, the hazardous working environment, the the janitors’ union filed New York State janitors’ union filed five Occupational Safety Division of Human Rights complaints on & Health Administration complaints.“This behalf of three janitors. is more than just a living wage campaign,” “This is a group of people Clarry says. “It’s a "This is more than who were not raised in a campaign about a society that valued them subcontractor who just a living wage speaking up to demand wasn’t doing the right campaign. It's a better,” Jean Kessner, thing, who was harassing campaign about Syracuse councilor-at-large, workers, and who was a subcontractor says. “They’re people living literally taking advantage who was harassing with what they’ve been of people’s inability to workers and taking dealt. You just keep slugging communicate in English.” advantage of through.”

To compensate the people's inability Urufle is a classic example. janitors, the union to communicate in In March 1996, the Ethiopian proposed two small English." government interrogated raises each year over a Urufle and accused him of five-year period, bringing membership with Oromo their salaries in line with —DAWN CLARRY Liberation Front, an outlawed Syracuse’s living wage. terrorist organization that Eagle wouldn’t budge. encouraged the Oromo people to fight A year and a half and two negotiation oppression and exploitation through selfextensions later, bargaining between determination. Although Urufle denied the janitors’ union and Eagle remains membership, the government put him in jail. gridlocked. Federal mediation should start “The government—they took my house, my in April, but another extension is possible. cow, everything,” Urufle says.

The janitors’ union has shifted its strategy, Four years later, with help from the however, demanding that Le Moyne use its International Red Cross, the jail released power to create meaningful change for the Urufle and he sought safety in Kenya. In janitorial staff.

April 2004, Urufle moved to the United “Part of Le Moyne’s One Le Moyne States with his then 6-year-old, 4-year-old, vision is to be more accepting of diversity. and 2-year-old children, as well as his wife.

If we can’t even do that with our janitorial “They save me,” Urufle said. “The United staff, I don’t know how we can do that States means my family and I am protected.” with our student body,” David Palmer, “He had come here looking for a better a senior political science major and the

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diversity affairs chair of Le Moyne’s student government, says.

Founded in 1946 by the Society of Jesus, Le Moyne has 3,400 students today and is the only college in Central New York to offer a Jesuit education. Including four years of philosophy and four years of religion, the Jesuit education provides students with the ability to think critically about issues of injustice and fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, according to lemoyne.edu.

Three janitors’ union events made the campaign public knowledge. In November,

a “speak out” gave workers a chance to share their stories and create student and faculty discussion. Despite rainy conditions, fifty people, including faculty, students, and community members, gathered at Homer Wheaton Park in January for a candlelight vigil in support of the janitors. In February, a group of janitorial workers, Le Moyne students, and faculty marched to President Fred Pestello’s office to demand a meeting, asking the administration to put the janitorial contract out to bid, which would allow other contractors in the area to submit JERK

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proposals and estimates for the custodial contract at Le Moyne. “For a low-wage worker who sees the president’s office as something untouchable, I think it was a very empowering moment for them,” Clarry says.

After the candlelight vigil, the janitors’ union received proof their hard work had paid off—Eagle fired Steve, the janitorial supervisor at Le Moyne. “For the workers that was a win, because they felt like someone was finally listening,” Clarry says.

“Screaming, kicking buckets, and calling names would no longer be tolerated.”

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“A lot of people support me now,” Urufle adds, “A lot of people, they say, ‘Acho, good job, you’re doing good. We no have problems now. Steve is no more!’”

Good news continued to roll in during the weeks following the vigil. On Feb. 15, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration fined Eagle Janitorial Services $10,000 for the violations filed by the janitors’ union—all were deemed “serious.” “It proves that we weren’t just saying things to say them,” Clarry says.

“Something needed to happen to keep those employees safe, and to be frank, to keep the

students safe.” A few days after the fines were issued, Eagle informed the janitors’ union that Le Moyne planned to put the custodial contract out to bid. While Eagle has the right to submit a proposal, they probably won’t receive the bid. One union contractor who works with the janitors’ union has already indicated they could do the work at Le Moyne for the same cost, pay the workers the wage they need, provide the same benefits, and use green cleaning products.

While Joe Della Posta, Le Moyne’s Director of Communications, would not comment on putting the contract out to bid

he says Le Moyne considers, “The value of its services, the effectiveness of those performing the services, and the cost to the institution compared to other options that may exist in the marketplace,” during any bidding process.

Despite a smile stretching from ear to ear, it’s evident Urufle still struggles with the aftermath of the chemical spill. In March, he met with Clarry and Lee Davis, another janitors’ union staff member, to discuss the condition of his eye. Sitting at a conference room table in the janitors’ union headquarters, Urufle swings his key chain back and forth on his pointer finger. His phone rings, and he pulls out a blue Alcatel cell phone from the pocket of his black and white windbreaker, answering in Swahili.

He hangs up, turning his attention back to Clarry and Davis. While the iris of his left eye resembles the color of mahogany wood, a white, cloudy material covers his right eye’s iris, blocking all color. His vision is limited, a side effect that appears permanent, and he experiences almost constant pain.“We said this was going to be a marathon, it wasn’t going to be a sprint,” Davis says. “And we’re close. It’s going to get better.”

As the conversation draws to an end, Clarry asks Urufle about his hobbies outside of work. Urufle tilts his head, indicating that he doesn't understand.

Rephrasing her question, she asks, “For fun, for enjoyment, do you read, do you watch TV, do you play with the kids?”

“When I stay home? No, I don’t like it.” Urufle responds. “I like to work. I like working.” JM

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SMUT Natalicchio, 22 and Foltz, 23 sit in their office above health services responding to emails.

Two recent fashion design graduates create an e-platform to showcase and sell artwork from SU’s most talented.

By Noah Silverstein : Photos by Alyssa Greenberg Gnarly, weathered branches hang from the ceiling of the Syracuse Idea Spot, a tiny cube-like retail space in Marshall Square Mall that serves as a two-day pop-up shop for recent graduates Gianna Foltz and Emelia Natalicchio. A human-sized, halfeaten peeled banana sits at the front of the shop, below watercolor, ink, and oil portraits of everyday people. Fashion photographs hang from clothespins on a laundry line that extends to the back of the space, a wall of woodchips, emblazoned with “BAZAAR,” in black paint. A mannequin bust wearing an orange headscarf stares blankly at students browsing knickknacks scattered across the table. Bracelets and studded iPhone cases sit like treasure atop a wooden chest. Clearly, something bazaar is happening .

Three months later, Foltz scours the web for fashion blogs as Natalicchio sketches the final details of a lace cocktail dress she’s been designing for weeks. The walls of their cramped office above Health Services resemble the duo’s pop-up shop, but look books, business magazines, and coffee cups

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replace designer merchandise.

Natalicchio twirls the ends of her voluminous brown hair, staring at her design notebook. Foltz’s brown eyes light up as she repeatedly taps her mouse pad. Their outfits show their style connection–both wear long-sleeved crewneck shirts tucked into flouncy skirts, accented by statement jewelry. Though personal style comes naturally to the duo, their almost year-old project takes work, and lots of it.

In April 2012, on the verge of graduation, Natalicchio and Foltz were two of 16 recipients named Kauffman Entrepreneurship Engagement Fellows, transforming the blueprints of their fashion e-commerce site, SYR BAZAAR, into a reality. Influenced by the increasing online presence of fashion entrepreneurs, Natalicchio and Foltz set out to create a platform for current students and university alumni to sell handcrafted accessories, apparel, ceramics, fine art, furtniture, music, and prints that fashion design students in the College of Visual and Performing Arts

might otherwise discard in trash cans at the Warehouse. “I could see a lot of it being sold,” Foltz says. “And other design schools have opportunities to sell their products, so why shouldn't we?” Natalicchio adds. With countless fashion ecommerce sites already generating over $41 billion in sales, as well as retail giants like Etsy hosting nearly 300,000 sellers, Foltz’s and Natalicchio’s purposeful product-base targeting college students distinguishes SYR BAZAAR. While the Marshall Square Mall pop-up shop proved successful, the website has yet to pull in decent revenue—the pop up shop generated $500 in sales during its two-day run, whereas the website produced $300 in sales during its first week—which the duo attributes to a lack of marketing and publicity. Whereas Natalicchio and Foltz spent last semester building the website and gathering a repertoire of 20 featured designers, social media marketing campaigns, email blasts to students, faculty, and alumni, and collaborations with greek life organizations and alumni networks are in the works this semester.

Even though the duo shares a love for fashion and an intuitive knack for business,

their backgrounds allow them to bring different skills to the cramped design table.

Hailing from Sugar Land, Texas, Natalicchio played soccer for most of her childhood, reflected in her tomboy wardrobe of shorts and T-shirts. Off the soccer field, she used any occasion to dress up. “I would wear hippie headbands made from trim bought at a local fabric store,” she says. At 14, she kicked off her cleats, trading sweaty practices for drawing intricate garments.

“Everyone said ‘You should be a designer,’ but it hadn’t dawned on me yet,” she says.

Natalicchio initially applied to VPA’s communication design program, influenced by her mother, a graphic designer. But in her first week at Syracuse, she felt out of place. Feeling angry after every run-in with fashion design students and their sketchbooks filled with designs, Natalicchio conspired with Foltz, a freshman year friend, to change her major.

Foltz, however, knew she was born for fashion. The Lancaster, Penn., native grew up watching her grandmother create clothes. “She had a huge sewing room in her house where she taught me how

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to sew from an early age,” Foltz says.

In elementary school, Foltz discovered W magazine and immediately purchased an annual subscription. While the magazine’s haute couture photo shoots motivated Foltz to pursue a career in the fashion industry, she soon learned a large gap existed between wearable clothes and W’s high fashion fantasy world. “Everyone can’t be that kind of designer, so I thought, ‘What else do I like?’” Enrolled in VPA’s fashion design program, Foltz loved designing chic outerwear—and using lots of leather.

While VPA’s fashion design program proved rich in design experiences, students-like senior fashion design major, Danielle Haygood—lacked a platform to turn their creativity into cash. Last summer, Foltz approached Haygood with the chance to sell her studded cut-off shorts and custom iPhone cases, outfitted with spiky, militaristic hardware, on SYR BAZAAR. “It’s a great opportunity to be a part of something cool with a collective of student artists,” Haygood says. She hasn’t sold anything yet but remains grateful for the exposure.

In addition to talent-seeking, the duo welcome artists approaching them. Despite minimal press, word of mouth has attracted alumni looking to reconnect with SU. For consideration, a designer creates a profile, uploads images of their creations, and the ladies sift through the submissions.

They then contact the artists they want. Even

when a product misses selection for the website, however, they don’t dismiss the designer outright. “We weren’t given a lot of feedback when we were students, so we want to help,” Natalicchio said. When an older alumnus submitted basic homemade leather bags, Natalicchio and Foltz knew that some studs, fringe, and hardware would better suit the young SYR BAZAAR aesthetic, without emptying students’ pockets.

While product curation depends on the girls’ identification their clientele, they worry their opinion does not carry the credibility of more experienced names, like fab.com.

A year and a half after its 2011 launch, fab. com membership jumped to over 10 million, making it one of Forbes’ Top 10 Tech Companies of 2012, along with companies like Instagram and Rent The Runway.

Validation is an integral component of any business reliant on consumer satisfaction, but it’s an obstacle for the duo. “We know what we like, but there are business men who only worry about the bottom line,” Foltz says. It’s a common conflict for recent graduates entering the workforce, who don’t identify with big corporations, according to Alexander McKelvie, assistant professor of entrepreneurship in the Whitman School of Management. “A generation ago, the goal was to work for the big companies, while this generation is motivated by making a difference,” McKelvie says. “People are tired of working for someone else.”

However, SYR BAZAAR isn’t necessarily the duo’s end goal—but it’s a way into a competitive industry. Natalicchio, who has interned in the costume department of Adult World, a 2013 comedy starring Emma Roberts, works on her own label, named The Wild Youth, in her spare time. Inspired by Valentino, Band of Outsiders, and Rodarte, her clothes mix refined elegance with young, modern dressing, while her Texan roots give it a distinct Austin music festival vibe.

Foltz sees herself as a bit of a start-up queen, seeing SYR BAZAAR as a stepping stone into eventually landing a gig as an art director at a fashion-technology company.

A former Haute Hippie intern, her time at the up-and-coming New York-based retail brand instilled a love for the Big Apple. “The plan has always been to end up there,” she says. But her draw to fashion e-commerce lies with the spontaneity: any company can pack up in a U-haul at a moment’s notice. “I could do it from Antarctica!” Foltz says, For now, though, the girls don’t see

SYR BAZAAR as a finished product. They incorporated CAMPUS BAZAAR when they submitted their February 2012 proposal for the Kauffman Fellowship and want to see it expand to campuses nationwide. “I have a bunch of friends at the University of Texas and NYU that want to sell their stuff on SYR BAZAAR, so we know there’s a market for it,” Natalicchio says. The pair envision SYR BAZAAR becoming a fashion design program heirloom, handing off the reins year after year.

"I would like to see that the site does keep going and they find students to take it over year after year,” Stacey Keefe, executive director of the Kauffman Fellowship, says.

“It would be hard to find students with the same passion, but In the ideal world we would find students to take this over and keep it going should Emelia and Gianna want to leave it behind." JM

Three designs pulled from Natalicchio's sketchbook, which she carries on her person in case inspiration strikes.

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The women of Syracuse’s Assault City Roller Derby team seek empowerment both on and off the track.

By Iona Holloway : Photos by Kirsten Celo A baby pink, hot-panted Crown City Rollerz Derby girl zooms around a corner, slamming into Assault City Roller Derby’s (ACRD) Amber Crofut’s, aka Brutal Vroom’s, cleavage. Her eyeballs roll around in their sockets as her butt hits the floor. Vomit, the referee, licks the whistle stuck between his teeth as he scans the gym hall at Onondaga Community College’s SRC Arena. He doesn’t blow—yet.

Big hits like this run standard in ACRD’s January to November season. In the hourlong roller derby battle, which consists of multiple “jams” between two teams of five, the ACRD designated scoring player, “the jammer,” attempts to lap the Crown City Rollerz team. Blockers like Brutal Vroom body check the Rollerz girls into disarray, creating paths for the jammer to snake through the pack and score.

Brutal Vroom wipes her mouth on the sweat-soaked American flag bandana knotted at her neck as her pink, hot-panted nemesis careens out of bounds. The crowd cheers. Head coach Graham Espe, aka Grambo, roars from the sideline, “That’s what you call a fucking block!” Teeth digging into plastic, Vomit’s whistle shrieks, ending the jam. JM

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“We’re not down and dirty hardcore girls,” Pheonix Dix, aka Arizona Lightening, says.

“We’re normal people. Off the track, we’re all wives, sisters, daughters, and mothers.”

“It’s an amazing sport,” Lightening says. “It’s great exercise, it’s great team building—and it’s like a sisterhood when you’re out there with the girls.”

“We’re recruiting,” Vroom says. “I didn’t know anything about roller derby. Five years later— look at me.”

The win was Grambo’s—who plays for the Quadfathers in Utica, NY—third game coaching the girls. “Ideally we want to be ahead the whole game, but it was a good, hard fought victory,” he says.

Derby girls practice three times per week at Shoppingtown Mall. “It doesn’t matter that we’re friends,” Rachel Lamb, aka Smashin’ Kali, says.

“If we’re practicing and she can lay a hit on me and send me flying, it’s going to happen.”

Teams get one official call review with referees per game, which they use strategically: “The ref and I are good buddies, so I give him more crap than maybe he deserves,” Grambo says.

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WRITING ON THE WALL

Yes, tagging could get you arrested, but no need to run from the cops with graffiti on your clothes. Bright, bold statements bring the runway to life this season, and Jerk put our own twist on the trend. Enjoy the reckless beauty—minus the sirens.

S T Y L I S T S : N O A H S I LV E R S T E I N A N D J U L I E K O S I N A S S I S TA N T S T Y L I S T: N A N C Y O G A N E ZO V P H OTO G R A P H E R : A LY S S A G R E E N B E R G A S S I S TA N T P H OTO G R A P H E R : S A R A H K I N S LO W M A K E U P: A N N I E Z H A N G MODELS: SHANICE BLAND AND IAN DARIN

S H A N I C E : TO P: F O R E V E R 21 $ 1 9 . 9 5; S K I R T: S O M E G I R L S $46; NECKLACE: ST YLIST ’S O W N ; S H O E S : F O R E V E R 21 $24. 80.

I A N : J A C K E T: TA R G E T $30; S W E AT S H I R T: 10. D E E P $85; H AT: S U P R E M E $44; B O OT S : D R .

M A R T E N S $ 120.

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GAWK SHANICE: DRESS: SOME GIRLS $ 6 4 ; C LU TC H : V I N TA G E ; N E C K L A C E : H & M $9.95.

I A N : V E S T: O L D N AV Y $39.94; S W E AT S H I R T: S U P R E M E $168; H AT: D E J U L I O ’ S $8.

GAWK S H A N I C E : L E AT H E R J A C K E T: G U E S S $ 3 2 8 ; B O DY S U I T ( W O R N A S TO P ) : V I N TA G E ; S K I R T: S O M E G I R L S $ 3 9 ; PURSE: H&M $14.95; H E E L S : B C B G $7 0.

I A N : J A C K E T: TA R G E T S W E AT S H I R T: TO N N H AT: R ATC H E T SNEAKERS: ESQUELA

$30; $40; $10; $65.

C H R I S S Y: J A C K E T: S T Y L I S T ’ S O W N ; D R E S S ( W O R N A S TO P ) : H & M $ 3 4 . 9 5 ; PA N T S : H & M $ 3 4 . 9 5 ; NECKLACE: MADEWELL $42; ; H E E L S : TO P S H O P $ 1 1 0 .

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S H A N I C E : J U M P S U I T: A M E R I C A N A P PA R E L $48; B E LT: TO P S H O P $12; E A R R I N G S : S O M E G I R L S $21.

SHANICE: DRESS (WORN AS TO P ) : S O M E G I R L S $ 7 9 ; S K I R T: FOREVER 21 $19.95; N E C K L A C E : TO P S H O P $ 1 2 ; H E E L S : G U E S S $9 0 .

I A N : J A C K E T: CO M M U N E $ 1 6 8 ; H AT: D E J U L I O ’ S $ 8 ; S U N G L A S S E S : R AY B A N S $ 1 2 0 .

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S H A N I C E : TO P: M O D E R N P O P C U LT U R E $24; J E A N S : H & M $19.95; NECKLACE: ST YLIST ’S OWN; S N E A K E R S : A D I D A S $80.

I A N : J A C K E T: TA R G E T $168; S W E AT S H I R T: 10. D E E P $85; J E A N S ( W O R N T H R O U G H O U T ) : L E V I S $56; H AT: R ATC H E T $10; S N E A K E R S : VA N S $45.

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STITCH Forget the manicure—give long-forgotten jewelry an upgrade with some polish.

By Julie Kosin : Photos by Maggie Reilly Created and Modeled by Lucia Urizar I have a serious problem, and like Hilary Duff, I have to come clean—I’m addicted to nail polish. Thanks to my total lack of self-control at Target, I have more bottles of neon lacquer than I know what to do with.

They overflow from bins on my bedroom floor, lie scattered across my bedside table, and spill all over the bottom of my purse.

(R.I.P. Zara tote).

But when jewelry designers Tom Binns, Erickson Beamon, and Shourouk showcased color-splashed crystal pieces for spring, I realized that those bottles of O.P.I. and Essie had a purpose other than a quick manicure. After rummaging through my grandma’s jewelry drawer, I unearthed

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a few pieces of vintage costume jewelry perfect for the project. A couple careful dabs of polish later, I had Net-A-Porterworthy pieces without the $600 price tag.

If your grandma doesn’t rock ice like mine, don’t worry. Crystallized jewelry on the cheap often resides at H&M or Forever 21.

Just take a quick trip to Destiny USA. Not convinced you have place for these vibrant accessories in your wardrobe?

Shut up, you do. Add a necklace dripping with crystals to your basic jeans-and-tee combination, or pair chandelier earrings with a blazer to bring the rave to your workplace. And if you still have an aversion to neon, seek help. JM

Choose the colors you want to use carefully, making sure they complement each other.

Clean necklace as needed.

Lay necklace flat in a straight line. This will ensure even coverage once you get painting.

Have at it! Splatter paint on your jewels or paint the gemstones individually, whichever way best defines you.

After you've added final touches, let your creation dry. To speed up the process, use a hair dryer.

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high n

otes

The small stage, paint-splattered tables, zebra-printed chairs, and center disco ball help cultivate a 90s Smash Club vibe.

Cheers to Central New York’s premier Karaoke venue, where patrons find their inner rock star with the help of 30,000 songs and one big shot wheel.

By Melia Robinson : Photos by Kirsten Celo The few who arrive before 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night at Singers Karaoke Club, located less than 20 minutes from campus in Solvay, N.Y., came to practice.

The regulars—mostly 20-to-30-yearolds of varying skill and affinity for facial piercings—like to warm up with songs they sing routinely, such as “I Knew You Were Trouble” and “Sunday Morning” (the No Doubt version). Pairs of casually dressed locals sit around the bar across from spotlighted shelves of liquor and flip 48 JERK

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through four-inch-thick binders cataloguing more than 30,000 songs. The DJ air-drums behind the counter, a lacquered surface encasing 80s musician trading cards and Grateful Dead and Genesis concert tickets.

He looks like a pasty-white Jesus wearing a silk shirt printed with red dragons. His wiry mustache sprouts like whiskers that don’t connect in the middle. “I don’t know if any one song is most popular,” says DJ Steve “Mr. Automatic” Melkanos, removing an earplug engineered to reduce high

frequency sounds. “But after working here for seven years, I despise Journey.”

Hunched on a barstool farther down the bar, Deena Grosso waits her turn. She sips a pint of Bud Light, batting silver eyelids that look like Ke$ha vomited glitter on them. “‘Lights’ by Journey is one that I do a lot,” says Grosso, who has 12 tattoos including lyrics from “Imagine” freehanded on her lower back. Knowing she and her girlfriend would run into other regulars who participate in the Wednesday night couples’ pool league, they came alone. “I used to be the most self-conscious person on the freaking planet,” she says. “Then I started coming here. Karaoke takes balls. But they don’t give you crap if you sing like crap.”

Melkanos hands her the mic over the beer tap and Grosso hops up, walking halfway between the counter and the refreshments table stacked with boxes of pizza and wings, courtesy of the league. On the brick wall behind her, snail-paced strobe lights illuminate hanging album covers and a framed “Best Hook-Up Joint” certificate from the New Times' Best of Syracuse 2012 awards. The television monitor suspended over the entrance flashes, “‘No Love’ In the Style of Eminem.” The instrumentals play, interrupted by the sound of smacking pool cues. Without looking at the screen, Grosso begins to rap, “Throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower/ But it’s fuck the world, get a child out her/ Yeah, my life’s a bitch, but you know nothing ‘bout her/ Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers…”

Singers owner Holly Berlin calls karaoke a cheap drug. She thinks singing in public gives people a high that elevates mood and self-esteem. Over time, those doses of confidence accumulate and carry outside her bar. The relaxed, no-judgment atmosphere—Berlin and her staff of 12 won’t tolerate heckling—offers a therapeutic release after long days at work or school.

And it’s addictive. Regulars report coming to the bar between three and five nights a

week. They unwind with beer, throwback and Top 40 tunes, and more beer.

If karaoke is a drug, Berlin is the dealer.

Like most nights, she arrives around 7:30 p.m. and positions herself against a massive corkboard plastered with photos of red-eyed patrons. The neon Guinness and Blue Light signs in the window catch the Dr. Pepper-colored highlights in her hair. Dressed in a tribal-patterned T-shirt and jeans with factory-made holes across her hips, she watches the singers out of the corner of her eye and mouths the lyrics with rusted, penny-colored lips.

Berlin was born singing, her mother tells her. She began performing vocals for classic rock cover bands in her 20s and started hosting weekly karaoke nights at a local bar. The gig paid about $75 per night.

Her best friend and business partner, Kevin Furrette (who passed away in July 2008), insisted customers came just to see Berlin and suggested they open the only sevendays-a-week karaoke club in the area. The pair purchased an abandoned restaurant space, home to cobwebs and a portrait of JFK. After enlisting hundreds of hours of free manual labor from friends, they opened one year later in 2005. “Bar staffs typically have high turnover but not us,” Berlin says. “I’m nothing without my staff.

And now I do karaoking for a living.”

The repeat customers return for the bar’s niche experience. Singers combines the laid-back vibe of Chuck’s with the entertainment value of Daisy Dukes, “but with a different catalyst,” Berlin says.

“Music is a common denominator between people. Part of Singers’ success is making people feel like part of the club.” The regulars assume responsibility for keeping her up to date on the hippest music. Each month she adds 125 songs to the database, many of which are requests. The bartenders remember drink orders, and the DJs have the privilege of designating nicknames.

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NOISE sweatshirt, she moves toward Melkanos and prepares to sing “Teenage Dirtbag.”

No one understands Singers’ family vibe better than Kayte “Wednesday Night Delight” Keller, who met her husband here three years ago. (She’s one of about 15 couples that frequent the bar, Berlin brags.)

A newbie who resembled Ben of Breaking Benjamin—her favorite rock star—sang Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” one night, and Keller fell for him. That same week, he returned to Washington, D.C. where he served as a sailor in the U.S. Navy. A month and a half later, they married.

Because her husband has to work in the morning, Keller comes alone tonight. She slips off a heavy winter coat, revealing a sunshine yellow hoodie and a remarkably natural-looking tan. A peppy bartender named Sarah “Cookie” Cook, who barely clears five feet, slides a Jack and Diet Coke across the counter to her. Melkanos’ voice booms over the speakers: “Don’t forget to tip your lovely bartender, Cookie. She’s saving

The Shot Wheel decides the two-dollar shot, every hour on the hour. “We play ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’ by Pat Benetar as we start spinning it,” owner Holly Berlin says.

“Regulars laugh now, like, ‘Ohhh, not that song again.’”

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money to have the bar lowered.” The crowd erupts into mocking laughter and then a chorus of aaaawwwww’s. Melkanos catches Keller’s eye, checks his watch, and says, “Kayte, why don’t you give it a whirl?”

“Me?” she squeals. She sets her drink down and skips to the four-foot wide vinyl record mounted on the back wall. The center of the Shot Wheel says “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” which the DJ traditionally plays on the hour after 9 p.m. Each of the five sections contains a chalk drawing that corresponds to a shot, which sells for two dollars in the following 20 minutes. Keller grabs a spoke of the wheel and gives it the old Price Is Right whirl, landing on a cartoonish sketch of lips.

“Motherpucker!” Melkanos cheers. “And what the hell is that, you ask?” He reaches for a laminated sheet of paper and rattles off the shot’s ingredients: cherry puckers, grape puckers, apple puckers, and strawberry puckers.

By this time, Keller’s friend reenters from a smoke break outside. Jenn “Jenn ‘n’ Juice” Whitfield looks like a put-together

For three years, heavily tattooed bar maiden Shanna Scipione has worked the Sunday night shift solo.

extra on The Jersey Shore, with electric blue eyeliner on her lower lids and hair teased into BumpIt formation. Together they scout the bar, looking for any new people. “When you’re in the clique of regulars, you make sure everyone feels comfortable. You go up to them and say, ‘You did an amazing job,’” Whitfield yells over Melkanos, who takes a turn belting “Cult of Personality” by Living Colour. Her voice is harsh. “Sorry, I lose my voice every day. And I’ll still sing and blow it out of the water. I’m not normally cocky, but it happens.”

The heavy rock music fades out and a piano score replaces it. Whitfield stops short like a deer in headlights. Her gaze darts to a mousy brunette perched on a barstool by the DJ’s station, who just began singing.

“That’s my song,” Whitfield gasps. She and Keller listen intently for a few bars as the young woman finds her rhythm. Many regulars who sing the same songs over and over feel a sense of ownership over them.

Whitfield explains that she will sometimes ask permission before performing another person’s song. “Forgiven” by Alanis Morissette is hers, not Alanis Morissette’s, and any regular would recognize her unique

rendition.

“She’s doing pretty good,” Keller says, offering a small, sympathetic smile.

“She’s doing oookaaay,” Whitfield says.

Her body unclenches. “But we don’t hate.”

At one point earlier in the evening, the music cuts out longer than usual. Melkanos rapidly taps at the computer behind the bar, and some people swivel to identify the holdup. Suddenly, the intro to “Circle of Life” blares at full volume. From the door to the interior theater, a tall redheaded man wearing a hockey jersey emerges, holding an infant girl in a pink onesie overhead. A former DJ, came to introduce his daughter to his Singers family. The crowd harmonizes in oohs and aahs until the baby begins to cry and Melkanos gingerly lowers the volume lever on the wall. When the moment’s passed, he passes the microphone to the next singer in the queue and delivers the night’s lone challenge: “You’ve got to try to follow a baby,” Melkanos says. “Good luck with that.” JM

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MARCH MADNESS The 3rd Annual

Awards zzo to the feminist From the baker to the papara annual Jerk Award historian, this year’s third common: sheer, bold recipients share one trait in killer personalized attitude. Whether through ination, our beats or eco-friendly determ a glimpse of what handpicked heroes give us ks like. So take loo community leading really from Syracuse’s ice a look and a word of adv because the ker best movers and sha s, . now future begins

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Mike Mort Pings interrupt my GPS as I peruse CNY suburbia in search of Mike Mort’s home. If his consistency in texting wasn’t telling enough, Mort communicates. And for a good reason: he volunteers as the social media manager for the Central New York chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Left wheelchair-bound by muscular dystrophy, Mike has revamped nearly all of the organization’s social media platforms.

He recently received the Cindy Award—the organization’s highest volunteer

honor—for his social media work.

At age 12, Mort received his very own wish, a trip to Disneyland and a visit to San Diego. “Having experienced it myself really gave me the passion to stick with it—just knowing I got so much joy through it. If I could spread the joy, that is great,” he says.

If you’d like to join Mike on his mission, visit Wishmakers on Campus at Syracuse University on Facebook.

MENT R OF THE YEAR

Stephen Mahan For Stephen Mahan’s local student protégés, their progress in his course led to the "Iconic Syracuse" billboard series, a project that showcased their successes to the community.

As director of the Photography and Literacy Project, Mahan leads his classes in the ground floor of The Warehouse. Groups of 6 to 18 year olds post up at a flock of iMacs, with cameras and tripods at the ready. Mahan visits different workstations,

offering help with weekly projects.

Students enroll for 10 to 12 weeks and create projects—like a self-portrait with a digitally overlaid poem—before choosing one that best represents their work for public display in Link Gallery—Mahan's own billboard for the community.

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What’s most important when organizing community events?

We try to be affordable, accessible, and successful.

HAND G N I P L E H EAR OF THE Y AIDS Community Resources In the 30 years since Michael Crinnin began his career at AIDS Community Resources, the organization has maintained its vital focus on the community. This year, one of the org's funraisers, Sled for Red, earned a record $26,337. We caught up with Crinnin to hear how Syracuse-based ACR does it all.

What role does your team play?

They’ve been terrific—really sensitizing to everyone involved.

How does recent news on HIV/AIDS affect the organization?

You always walk a fine line between not wanting to sound discouraging to people who are HIV infected and not wanting to believe the treatment du jour.

Have you seen the organization make a difference?

I had a mom tell me the Q Center saved her son’s life. And you do have those moments when somebody refuses to let you go until they express their gratitude.

Jared Brickman As the founder of One Hello World, Jared Brickman has given the people of Syracuse—and their voicemails—their very own soundtrack. He sat down with Jerk to finish our sentences.

My favorite part of what I do is the fact that I get to hear candid accounts of people’s lives from all parts of the planet.

If I could do anything else in the world, I would be a travel photojournalist.

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A memorable voicemail is “I Try To Fill Your Shoes, Dad.” Syracuse is home.

My favorite place in Syracuse is Onondaga Lake Park.

The best sound to hear is an orchestra tuning up.

The last time I got drunk I played the shit out of some bass and drums.

TREE HUGGER OF THE YEAR Zach Goldberg Sophomore Zach Goldberg has worked hard to turn this orange campus green. He founded Eco-Reps, SU’s student-run environmental group. We asked Zach to finish our sentences.

I care about the environment because it’s the only one we have.

The best way for students to go green is to get a reusable water bottle.

Other people should care about the environment because if we don’t take care of it, then not only can we not enjoy it, but all the things that come from our environment, like our energy and our food, that all goes away too.

People aren’t environmentally conscious because they don’t have all the information.

Courtnee Futch

2. The Peach Cobbler Cupcake “I took a vanilla cupcake, filled it with my spiced peach cobbler compote, and topped it with a cinnamon sugar buttercream. It's literally the South in your mouth.”

Last fall, “Courtnee Makeda-Fudge” started on-campus business, Thundercakes. We asked her to describe her signature deserts for us—try not to drool.

1. The Chocolate Bacon Cupcake “When you take a fluffy, moist, rich, chocolate cupcake with a slightly sweet cream cheese frosting and add that beautiful meat candy, it is a marriage of the most beautiful flavors.”

My future plans to help the environment are to be an environmental consultant.

3. Nutella Creme Brûlée Cupcakes “I love creme brûlée. I love Nutella just as much. So they’re filled with both. When you bite into it, you taste the crisp of the brûlée-ed sugar and silky custard. Heaven.”

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region. Jerk challenged her to a quick game of word association.

Civil Disobedience: My hands handcuffed behind my back. One hand reaching back to Matilda—I’m dressed as her. And the other reaching forward to my newly born grandson, who I’ve just committed civil disobedience for as a birthing gift.

Woman: The key to survival of life on the planet.

Husband: Don’t have one—anymore.

Dialogue: The essence of my life.

Dr. Sally Roesch Wagner

God: Ha! Replace, with Creator and I’m in.

Dr. Sally Roesch Wagner, innovative executive director of non-traditional Matilda Joslyn Gage Foundation, recieved the 2012 Katherine Coffey Award, the highest honor for museum pros in the

Playing Dress Up: Been doing it since I was a little girl. Do it now and pretend I’m a dead woman. [She dresses up as Gage and Elizabeth Cady Santon.

John Liddy

IDEA MAN F THE YEAR

John Liddy, director of Sandbox at the Tech Garden and teacher in the iSchool’s IDS program, dishes about guiding the next generation of industry disruptors.

Why do you think student entrepreneurship is important?

If you look at the last three years in net job creation, it’s all by new firms in the U.S. What are some things going on at SU now?

One student sells scarves and donates the proceeds to charity. More students 56 56 JERK JERK

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CURATOR OF THE YEAR Nathan Schafer As the founder of Modern Pop Culture, Schafer wants a vintage store ahead of today’s trends that enhances the community of downtown Syracuse. Case in point: a confusing amalgamation of pink and black tulle—a petticoat— hanging above him.

Though clothes line the racks, Modern Pop Culture is about people. Schafer started off screen-printing orders for bands, giving back to the community without immediate gratification. “It was

now or never,” he says.

It’s a place to hang out, too, with SU students often wandering from the Warehouse. “I’ve built a relationship with them,” he says. “When people come in and they get something they like—that’s always a good feeling.”

ELLER OF THE YEAR T Y S T OR Cusman Diallo Ousman Diallo run the The Humans of Syracuse University page, giving 2,777 followers a glimpse into SU life. We asked Diallo about his work.

are trying to utilize social aspects and pay back.

How have you seen interest change?

The first year we had five teams in the Student Sandbox; last year we had 34. The first year we had four mentors; last summer I had 115.

How did you start?

I was like, “I’m going to start taking portraits of people on campus.” I fell in love with meeting new people.

How do you capture someone’s story in just one photo?

I do the best I can to let the image tell the story.

Has one person stood out to you?

The man on Marshall Street. We went into Dunkin’ Donuts together and had a 30-minute conversation about life. He came off as a person—just a person.

Why are pages like HOSU important?

Once this kind of interaction happens, people come together. It’s not the page— it’s the love.

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REWIND

5 Nancies = Kick Ass—This is what they make Sliders to.

4 Nancies = Good—An essential tune for your Flip Night soundtrack.

3 Nancies = Average—Just like an English degree.

2 Nancies = Bad—First in line for next year's Block Party.

1 Nancy = God Awful—Try it out at your next sorority mixer.

JOHNNY MARR THE MESSENGER TOP TRACK: “THE MESSENGER”

BOTTOM TRACK: “GENERATE! GENERATE!”

At first listen, The Messenger, the second solo album written, produced, and performed by The Smiths’ guitarist Johnny Marr, is refreshing. Marr’s soft vocals combine with the jangly guitar as retro beats bring listeners back to a time before Morrissey feuded with talk show hosts. But just when the familiarity of the record sets, Marr pulls the early 90s New-Wave rug out from under foot. He switches gears in “Lockdown.” This track draws more twangy melodies, sounding like an homage to Marr’s other musical project, Modest Mouse. Marr’s faults, however, lie in his lyric composition. The track “Generate! Generate!” relies on redundant lyrics with boring rhyme patterns (“I come by and all is fly/ Generate, generate, generate!/ You got no how; I got to know now/ Calculate, calculate, calculate!”). For diehard fans of The Smiths, this record might hit the spot. Casual listeners, however, walk away from The Messenger's content with Marr’s ringing riffs but with an unsatisfied thirst for Moz’s smooth vocals.

—Maya Kosoff

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PHOTO CREDITS: http://pitchfork.com (Peace), http://idiotglee.bandcamp.com (Glee), http://www.allmusic.com (Queens), http://paperbagrecords.com (Shapiro)

Illustration by ?

ATOMS FOR PEACE

IDIOT GLEE

Amok

Life Without Jazz

TOP TRACK: “DEFAULT”

TOP TRACK: “PINKWOOD”

BOTTOM TRACK: “AMOK”

BOTTOM TRACK: “VIBRATO”

Atoms for Peace’s Amok defies any preconceived

On Life Without Jazz, Kentucky-based Idiot Glee (real

notions about a Thom Yorke album. The experimental

name: James Friley) layers smoky synths beneath

rock supergroup consists of the Radiohead frontman,

his echoed crooning for a direct continuation of

Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Flea, REM’s Joey Waronker,

the lo-fi sound he perfected on 2011’s full-length

and long time Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich.

Paddywhack. “Pinkwood” begins with the sound

The percussion provides the album with vivid

of an approaching train, perpetuating a bouncy

ambient and techno sounds, creating the perfect

beat that sticks in your head all day. The title track

juxtaposition to Yorke’s warm voice. The album has

introduces a subtle saxophone that, contrary to

a clear thematic arc—“Ingenue” tackles the idea of

what the album name may allude, doesn't seem

innocent love, and “Before Your Very Eyes” is about

obligatory at all. Though short on time, this EP packs

an innocent dreamer. Yorke’s strength as a cryptic,

a lot of sounds into just six songs. In fact, the only

intelligent writer is most prominent in “Judge Jury

complaint about Life Without Jazz is its length—we

and Executioner,” where another innocent man

never want this album to end.

slowly accepts his eminent prosecution. Amok introduces thought-provoking dance music to a new generation of alt-rockers.

—Samantha Cooper

—Julie Kosin

JAMAICAN QUEENS

SALLY SHAPIRO

Wormfood

Somewhere Else

TOP TRACK: “CAITLIN”

TOP TRACK: “I DREAM WITH AN ANGEL TONIGHT”

BOTTOM TRACK: “WORMFOOD”

BOTTOM TRACK: “STARMAN”

Few debuts reimagine electronic boundaries within

Sally Shapiro’s newest album, Somewhere Else,

indie pop. Exceptional releases like Jamaican

released on Paper Bar Records, includes the kind of

Queens’s Wormfood, however, have the quirky

dreamy Eurobeat synthpop we’ve all been waiting for.

ability to mix the jovial with the absurd while

Chill beats make the album perfect for easy listening,

threading together the gap between eclectic

but there are also tracks pumped with high energy

vulnerability and conventional catchiness.

reminiscent of early Swedish pop and disco. Although

Reminiscent of MGMT’s playground days, the Detroit

the album isn’t the most memorable, Shapiro’s voice

trio’s sound first skirt bouncy dancehall territory with

sounds sweet enough to make tracks smooth and

the lively “Kids Get Away,” then switches into breezy

enjoyable. Regardless of how you feel about Swedish

ballads like “Wellfleet Outro” and the summer teaser

synthpop, Shapiro’s album is worth a listen if you’re

“Water.” Noise rock treats like the hip-hop laced

interested in exploring upbeat background music.

“Black Madonna” transform into serene symphonies, ending with an experimental power punch both raw and catchy enough for future listens.

—Daisy Becerra

—Tori Coté

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AMPLIFIED AMPLIFIED

SEX

THE LOWDOWN ON THE GET DOWN WITH HAVANA HAZEL

MEMBERS: Justin Pellecchia: vocals, guitar, harmonica Lucas Rinz: bass, vocals Keaton Thandi: drums, percussion, vocals Dre DiMura: guitar, vocals

ACTIVE SINCE: 2009

WHERE THEY'RE FROM: Philadelphia, Penn.

Dear Havana, I love my boyfriend, but because we both have full-time jobs and don’t get to see each other during the day. So we keep the passion going by sexting at work. But these days, a simple text isn’t enough. How we can make our days hotter without resorting to a rendezvous in a McDonald’s bathroom during my lunch break?

Dear Havana Hazel, My girl is super sexy. But she has a little more to love, if you know what I mean. I love her body, but sometimes the sex moves we see in pornographies don’t work because of her "larger" figure. What special or modified positions do you suggest we try?

Dear Heavy Lifter,

Dear Wet at Work,

By Heather Rounds : Photos by Ilana Goldmeier SOUNDS LIKE: The Clash infused with unpolished 80s brat punk that trekked through the 60s while flirting with bell-bottomed psychedelics and heavy rock ‘n’ roll jives.

WHAT THEY JERK TO: The list changes like a taunting mirage, but current faves include T-Rex, Ventures, Django Reinhardt, David Bowie, and Eric Clapton.

BEST SONG: “New York City”—The Red Hot Chili Peppers make a love child with punk rock ‘n’ roll as lyrics describe the idealized, inauthentic race for fame in the Big Apple.

WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN: Whether you’re looking for a genre-blurring experience with lyrics spewing radical ideas or just hoping to find great music and a good time, you’ll get both with this band.

Satellite Hearts WHERE YOU CAN LISTEN: You can check out their tracks on their Facebook page and on ReverbNation.com.

UNLIKEY SOURCE OF INSPIRATION: The crew taps into a vast repertoire of musical influences, finding inspiration in the Brazilian beats of Trocipalia and the English punk rock of Buzzcocks. Their raw rhetoric is fueled by political frustrations and personal experiences, the band’s songwriter Pellecchia says.

IF THE BAND HAD A MOVIE, THE PLOT WOULD BE: Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me to the Moon” introduces the band. Ample partying and at least a few scenes from Indiana Jones movies pepper the film, while a Tibetan wise man tags along for the ride. JM

From what I’m hearing, it seems that you need a serious bit of “oomph” during those 2 o’clock doldrums. And if a Venti cappuccino with a double espresso shot isn’t going to amp up your afternoon, an under-the-desk self-quickie definitely will. But, sometimes, it’s hard to get the juices flowing from a sext alone; we all know the monotonous same old routine of “Oh baby I wish I were feeling under those jeans,” and, “I want to unclip that bra right in the middle of the office.”

Been there, done that. After a while, it stops having the same charming effect.

As always, I have a particularly tickling solution for you: vibrating underwear. Also known as the vibrating panty or vibrating thong, it’s an innovative, hands-free vibrator that’s used for extreme stimulation. In other words, an orgasm with no hands (or obviously, dick). It’s simple, fun, and based on feedback, highly effective.

This funky little remote controlled sex toy is as easy as slipping on lingerie. While you and the mini-vibrator are chillin’ at the office, your hubby can give you a little reminder he’s thinking of you from his own cubicle.

Oh, and as long as you don’t wear them in a board meeting, you should be just fine!

Illustration by Jaycee Checo

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Your girl's extra cushin’ doesn’t mean you’re out of the loop for some good pushin.’ For one thing, you don’t have the deal with the awkwardness of her hip-bones jutting into your manly bits, and you also have more to grab and squeeze when you’re doing the dirty until the wee hours of the morning.

However, if it’s an issue of variety when it comes to your sex life, where there’s a passionate need, there’s a way. While you may have tried the normal missionary and doggy positions, I suggest a couple others for your, ahem, squishy situation. I'm a personal fan of the “stand and deliver” pose, which can lead to an incredibly intense orgasm.

The girl puts all of her body weight against a wall or a piece of furniture, and the guy uses his weight to push against her and ride the wave of bliss. This position works so well because there's no weight limit for the riders in question, and when the girl pushes her weight against the inanimate object in front of her, it takes the stress off of your man bits.

The “Side Winder” is also a position made for plus-size lovin’. The girl starts off on her side and then, keeping one leg in line with her body, she raises the other one in the air. As you enter her, her leg should rest on your shoulder. It’s great because you’ll feel completely in control. Size will never be an issue for this pose. It’s a big win. Get it?

Send your sexual conundrums to sex@jerkmagazine.net

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SYNAPSE

speakeasy

The Holey Grail

Whether you’re hell-bent on getting matching back tats with your bestie or satisfied with a skull-and-crossbones temporary for now, you’ve at least noticed the sign for Halo Tattoo on Marshall Street. When DJ Rose opened shop 15 years ago, he and his business partner hoped to bring some quality ink to 'Cuse. Meet the man holding the needle.

From Passover to Easter, the beginning of spring is a sacrificial month.

So what better way to say “Hallelujah!” than to celebrate the hole in holy? Whether you pick out major plotholes in your children’s Bible or bake up a yeast-less storm, we have a few alternatives on the backburner for your free time—just don’t get run off campus.

MUSIC: The Knife’s Shaking the Habitual

In 1948, a Ukranian Jewish family descended into

Both haunting and playful, the masked Swedish

caves for nearly a year and a half, escaping

masters of synth pop return in April with their

pursuing Nazis and surviving World War II. This

first release in seven years. The brother and

touching tale is filled with endurance, survival,

sister duo rock any beat with murderous sound

and hope. The documentary hits theaters April 5.

waves and magical live shows—without the puncture wounds. Shaking the Habitual comes out April 9.

TELEVISION: Through the Wormhole

THEATER: Good People

Why do we exist? Narrated by God-incarnate

From the Pulitzer Prize-winning writer of Rabbit

Morgan Freeman, this Discovery Channel

Hole comes this Tony-nominated play about a

documentary series takes an in-depth look at the

single mom in South Boston with no job and

universe’s deepest mystery. With quantum

nowhere to turn. Good People infuses race,

mechanics and the same guy who narrated The

class, and the state of current affairs with wry

Shawshank Redemption, you can count us in.

humor. Catch it on Syracuse Stage from April 24

The fourth season of the atheist lovefest

to May 12.

premieres this summer.

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PHOTO CREDITS: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com (earth), http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com (knifes), http://zeebox.com/tv/episode/ (worm hole), http://brightestyoungthings.com/ (good people), http://blog.sigmamarketing.com (grail)

FILM: No Place on Earth

By Jillian D’Onfro : Photo by Ilana Goldmeier

How’d you get into tattooing?

This is our lifestyle. Everyone here came out of the hardcore scene. We weren’t raised right—we ended up in community centers beating the crap out of each other and being covered in tattoos as protection.

We didn’t go looking to do this. It found us.

We are all culturally tattooers.

What’s the first tattoo that you ever gave?

It was on one of my friends. Your first bunch are on people you know. It was a little fetus for the birth of a new career. I’m his daughter’s godfather, and she actually goes to SU. I’ve tattooed her twice.

Do you get kids stumbling in drunk, asking for their girlfriends' names on their arms?

They only time we get people in here drunk is on alumni days. Dudes that graduated 20 years ago come back and think they’re 18, and are annoying as shit. That’s it. College students don’t come in here drunk.

Any tattoos you don’t like doing?

A big example now is the upside down

tattoo. You can’t fight it. People want tattoos that face them. In the end, that’s your choice, but I always say to people, "Do you wear your T-shirts upside down so when you look down you can see the graphic?" That’s not how you wear the T-shirts. It really gets bad when someone wants an upside down cross. You have to explain that to everyone for the rest of your life. That’s the only one I won’t do.

How many tattoos have you given, roughly?

I’ve been tattooing for 10 years, and I do between three and 13 tattoos per day.

(About 41,000—max).

You mentioned you have kids. Think they’ll end up getting tattoos?

If they wanted to they definitely could but probably not. It’s just so normal for them.

My son’s 11 and says he wants to be a tattooer—he comes in on Saturdays a lot and sits on the couch and draws—but I think everyone wants to do what their dad does at that age. JM

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DISCOVERSYR Lakeland Winery

877 State Fair Blvd

Pop a cork and pet a cat

By Kelly Peters : Photos by Kayla Rice A black cat leaps from a sofa with a quick tail swish. Pinot, named after Pinot Noir, caresses the legs of three women at the adjacent table and purrs softly. “Bottoms up,” the group says as they “cheers” to welcome the next round. Ear-to-ear smiles and laughter fill this unassuming building located just past the New York State Fairgrounds.

Since 2005, Lakeland Winery owner Andy Watkins has hosted wine tastings every day. But these “wine parties,” as Watkins calls them, offer more than just a buzz. From favorites like the Pomegranate Zinfandel to the signature floral Budding Love, customers can taste 25 blends for just $7. Employees encourage visitors to tote homemade dishes and party accessories to complement the vino varieties. Once they’ve tasted, customers can purchase one of Lakeland’s blends for $10 to $15 a bottle.

Lakeland also boasts a unique winemaking option. The best part: no barefoot barrel crushing required. The grapes grow in a small patch of land around back.

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so instead of going to a liquor store and buying a random bottle, they can taste 30 different wines and then make their favorite, Watkins says.

Customers assist from vine to fermentation. Each wine undergoes a seven-week production process, yielding 30 bottles a batch. From Super Bowl parties to girls’ nights out, customers flock to Lakeland for many reasons, often with personally designed labels for the final product in hand.

Whether tasting or making, patrons enjoy Lakeland’s eccentricities. A “winecam” streams live video from the store and back room to web onlookers— or anyone else watching. “We recently had a woman flash her husband on the winecam!” Christina Hodges, Lakeland’s event planner and marketing manager, says. “We don’t judge here.”

Even with the winery’s plans to expand, Pinot stays. “He’s our mascot,” Watkins says. As Pinot dashes to the door to greet more customers, it’s clear Lakeland’s success has spread through the grapevine. JM JERK

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FORM&FUNCTION

Watch: I’m late for day drinking.

How To Dress Like A Tour Guide

Fake smile: No one is ever this enthusiastic.

Backpack: Full of Chancy’s secrets.

Campus Map: But where’s Hoople?

Rugby shirt: The color wheel is crying.

Photo by Shijing Wang Model: CJ Taglione

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Snow boots : Better to kick you with– if you don’t enroll.

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