Boys Will Be Boys

boys will be boys Final Major Project

by Joelle Constantinou

boys will be boys Final Major Project

by Joelle Constantinou

Five years ago, my cousin and his wife were expecting their first son. To congratulate them my mum and I decided to make them a photo album of his childhood pictures, with room to add more as their family grew. We had inherited photos from my Yiayia after she passed away and had a varied collection: ranging from him aged around 4 with a broken leg posing in front of the Acropolis, to him aged 16 holding me as a new-born. He has always been more of a brother figure to me than just a cousin, despite our age difference. My cousin, from an outsider’s perspective, represents many ideas of a masculine man.

He is over 6 foot, strong and spent much of his life working in construction. You would never assume from how he appears that he has been dealing with trauma for most of his teen and adult life. Many of these emotions were supressed too because he always wanted to appear like he had it together. He had never been taught how to process his emotions. Upon receiving this gift, I witnessed him become emotional and overwhelmed - reminded of many points in his childhood that he had blocked out and never spoken about. This was the first moment I had ever seen a man that I know personally be so vulnerable and challenge my preconceived notions of masculinity.

That experience was the inspiration for this project.

Contents Introduction / 009 Playlist / 011 Like, Comment & Share / 012 Unaware Photography / 018 Incel Culture / 028 Behind the Mask Part 01 / 034 Being a Man / 052 #MeToo & Terry Crews / 072 Male Privilege / 078 Behind the Mask Part 03 / 080 Learn More / 103 Support / 105

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As an only child, someone who went to all-girls school and someone who isn’t particularly close with my dad – masculinity is not a concept I’ve always understood well. I’ve always felt like masculinity and male psychology isn’t something that girls are taught to understand, and it can lead to us make a lot of assumptions and judgements. Of course, I’m not saying we view men as all being the same; however, there are thought patterns and behaviours that many men show which are connected to how they are raised and how society defines masculinity.

Over the last few years some of my closest friendships have been with men and I’m lucky that many of them are open about personal struggles with me. Alongside this, through dating, acquaintances and others’ stories, I have been exposed to a wider breadth behaviours and mindsets – both positive and negative. I’ve met men who believe in equality of the sexes as long as the man is still earning the most, and men who won’t say they’re feminists because feminists are just “man haters”. I’ve been with someone who thought weakness was ugly and believed that all things in his life were controllable. When he realised I wasn’t controllable, he didn’t know how to react. He would continue to block and unblock me on different apps long after I cut him off, disregarding that I have moved on with someone else. I have a friend whose ex turned up at her home out of the blue trying to win her back. He insinuated that he would harm himself if she didn’t take him back.

These men I’m referring to are all viewed as typically masculine in some regard, but if these men’s actions aren’t viewed as a reflection of all men, why should there be only one model in society for how men should be. Viewpoints on masculinity vary so widely depending on cultures, locations and eras which proves that masculinity isn’t one fixed idea. We should speak of masculinities rather than just the idea of one ideal way to be a man.

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Playlist The Man / The Killers Samaritans / IDLES One Man Can Change the World / Big Sean / John Legend / Kanye West It’s a Man’s Man’s World / James Brown The Man / Aloe Blacc Father and Son / Cat Stevens BOYS / BROCKHAMPTON Borracho y Loco / Luis Vargas Hijo De Su Madre / Omar Apollo American Boy / Estelle / Kanye West Keep Ya Head Up / Tupac Shakur If I Were A Boy / Beyoncé First Things First / Stormzy Wet Dreamz / J Cole TeachMe / Musiq Soulchild Like Father Like Son / The Game / Busta Rhymes Whatta Man / Salt-n-Peppa / En Vogue I / Kendrick Lamar You’re a Man Now, Boy / Raleigh Ritchie Lad / Hak Baker I’m Your Man / Wham!

Too Many Man / Skepta / BBK Boys / Lizzo Boys Don’t Cry / The Cure ‘Cause I’m A Man / Tame Impala Like a Boy / Ciara A Boy Named Sue / Johnny Cash

Scan for more & follow to add your own songs

Like, Comment & Share

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Exploring the links between masculinity and social media, both positive and negative, and how men are impacted by online pressure.

Social media platforms have more numbers than some countries. One of the biggest differences between our generation and our parents’ generation, is the implementation of social media and technology in our everyday lives.

Conversations regarding social media and mental health typically have a focus on women. It would be naive and wrong to assume that men are immune to problems heightened by social media. Millions of men in the UK have struggled with body image issues according to findings published by the Mental Health Foundation.

Almost three in ten adult men aged 18 and above have felt anxious because of body image issues according to the

survey findings. One in five said concerns about body image had caused them to dress in a way that hid their body or parts of their body in the last year. One in five male respondents said they had negatively compared themselves to others because of body image in the last year. Men are equally surrounded by images of idealised body types, either through advertising or reality TV shows or social media. Instagram specifically, makes it seem as if there is only one ideal body type for men; once only attainable by athletes is now achievable for the average Joe. Drama and meme pages are places which encourage judgement and shaming of other people

specifically in the comment section.

Many drama pages post images and videos of celebrities specifically of their children or some of their personal views encouraging others to shame them. Social media allows everyone to share their opinions whether anonymously or publicly in a way that was not possible before.

Social media also pushes this idea of a perfect life. We curate our online lives with the best pictures of ourselves often editing to fit a standard expected from our peers. Despite this we cannot argue that social media is entirely bad. Social media has allowed us to be exposed to more varied types of people, people that you wouldn’t

necessarily see in the places that you live. Social media has no border and so depending on your interests, who you used to follow and the algorithm, you may be more likely to view people who challenge your perception of masculinity. There are also many websites and Instagram accounts, for example the Good Men project and Woke Daddy, which are helping us to branch out and open discussion on societies standards for men. Social media itself isn’t a toxic platform, it becomes toxic through the way it is used and moderated.

Quote by body-builder Abe Oloko and statistics from YouGov survey titled ‘How happy Brits say they are regarding their weight and body image’

“back in the day […] a man was looked at for what he could do and provide as a man, but now its more about what you look like”

“Feeling sad or emotional isn’t often the primary symptom for men. This is why male depression is often not diagnosed”

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Collage compiled from twitter searches of phrases like “male depression”, “men’s mental health” etc.

Quote - @APKoponen on twitter

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“It’s unacceptable in society to be depressed as a male”

Collage compiled from twitter searches of phrases like “male depression”, “men’s mental health” etc.

Quote from twitter @zacheryjayden

A series of portraits, all taken in London.

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un aware

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Incel Culture

Male Entitlement, Men’s Rights Activists and Elliot Rodger

On May 23rd 2014, Elliot Rodger stabbed three people to death inside his own apartment. He then committed a series of drive by shootings before deliberately hitting people with his car. He engaged in multiple gun battles with police before taking his own life. He killed 6 and injured 14. He was 22 years old.

29 Elliot Rodger is what many would describe as an incel. Incel stands for involuntary celibate and refers to a subculture of people on online forums such as reddit and 4chan. Many of the people who use these forums are just sad and lonely men, most of whom never plan to act violently in response to their sexual frustration.

These men view the world with a sense of entitlement which manifests into a hatred for women as a group. They also believe that the sexual revolution and changes in society, such as women being independent and not needing to be married off, has led women to become shallow and ignore these men who view themselves so highly.

This is how Incels become political, they view themselves as an oppressed class of people. The language used on some of these forums as

“I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it.”

well as in Rodger’s manifesto can clearly be compared to a terrorist movement and this is why it is so important that these issues that stem from societies perceptions of masculinity and what a real man should be are highlighted as non-truths.

What makes Elliot Rodger a unique case for a mass shooter is the fact that he can be described as an aberrant adult shooter – he doesn’t fit the typical behaviours.

He attacked both people he knew as well as complete strangers. One of the reasons Rodger is so widely talked about, especially in relation to masculinity, is because during

the time span of his crimes he uploaded a video online called Retribution as well as sent a 137-page manifesto to family members and acquaintances. Looking into the way Elliot Rodger thought is a great way to understand the mindset of MRA’s and how ideas about masculinity feed into their mindset and subsequent actions towards other people. Rodger struggled with aspects of social interaction his whole life, from being removed and isolating as a child to hating college professors who tried to get him to

speak in class. Many Schizotypal people end up withdrawing from the real world and creating fantasy worlds in which they view themselves as people of higher status, sometimes even god like. Rodger came to view himself as superior to all of humanity. Rodger is an exaggerated example of the harm that comes from perceived notions of masculinity and what actions and behaviours make a man ‘real man’.

Quotes from Rodger’s self published autobiography “My Twisted World” and the transcript to his video “retribution”

“I am not part of the human race.

Humanity has rejected me. The females of the human species have never wanted to mate with me, so how could I possibly consider myself part of humanity? Humanity has never accepted me among them, and now I know why. I am more than human. I am superior to them all. I am Elliot Rodger…

Magnificent, glorious, supreme, eminent…

Divine! I am the closest thing there is to a living God.”

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Rodger had a sense of failed masculinity that stemmed from puberty. Rodger was unattractive, short and non-athletic. These are traits which he determined by the age of 10 made him inferior to others. Rodger’s primary envy was based in his romantic and sexual failures. He had failed in multiple areas of his life and wanted to punish those who he perceived as succeeding where he had failed. He came to view sex and his virginity as a source of misery and blamed women because he felt that as a man he was entitled to sex. He wanted to purify the world by eliminating women, love and sex. Rodger was incapable of recognising that his actions and behaviours had anything to do with not having a girlfriend.

He was baffled that driving a nice car and wearing design-

er clothes wasn’t all it took for him to get a girlfriend. He had a complex way of thinking. He felt inferior to other men who were sexually or romantically successful with women, but instead of forming a hatred towards them, he began hating women and viewing them as if they had something wrong with them for being attracted to “inferior men”.

There are many examples of Rodger speaking on this sense of entitlement, from saying that girls should be “dumped in boiling water for the crime of not giving me the attention and adoration I so rightly deserve” (Rodger, 100) to throwing coffee at girls waiting for a bus who didn’t smile back at him.

Rodger often complained that he was a “kiss-less virgin”, and he spoke to others online about his lack of experience.

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“How could an inferior, ugly black boy be able to get a white girl and not me? I am beautiful, and I am half white myself. I am descended from British aristocracy.

He is descended from slaves.

I deserve it more.�

However, he viewed others’ lack of rage at their inexperience as something that made them weaker than him. Despite his understanding that virginity is viewed as a negative in society, Rodger wanted to be famous and he broadcast this online. During middle school he was described as the weirdest kid in school and didn’t have any friends. His response was not to try to fit in but to act weirder because “infamy is better than total obscurity”. Society today is sex obsessed and there is a constant focus on what you have or haven’t done yet. For women there is the idea that you should stay pure for as long as possible and it is perceived as bad if you have slept with a lot of partners however for men this is the opposite. It is encouraged for men to be players, to refer to women as bitches and have had sex with as many females as

possible. Men who are virgins later in life, even later in teen years compared to their counterparts are also viewed as undesirable because of their lack of experience. Men are taught by people across the board that they’re defined by their physical sexuality and that virginity is something to be ashamed of. Girls might want sex, but boys are often raised to believe they need it and are entitled to it. Men’s rights activists and Incels –have spun these ideas of entitlement and turned it into a narrative whereby they believe they should be dominant over women and that the role of the woman is just to please men.

They often encourage violence towards women, and this is where people like Elliot Rodger are seen as inspirations.

In fact, Elliot Rodger was a direct source of inspiration for another mass shooting, this time in Cana-

da. On April 23rd 2018, Alek Minassian drove his van through a crowd of people in Toronto, killing 10. Minutes before this attack he posted to facebook saying “The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!”.

The internet makes it easier than ever for sad and angry people to find each other and develop communities with dangerous ideologies. And with documents like Rodger’s manifesto and video so easily accessible online it is no wonder these movements are growing.

What we’re seeing is one of society’s oldest hatreds, misogyny, being reworked in real time to fit a specific group of men’s rage and pain.

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Behind the Mask part one

A series of images comprising of found photographs, digital experimentation and digital paintings. Exploring the variations in definition of masculinity in society.

Series continues

on page 99

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My conversations with

Daniel Martins, Oliver Down, Rohen Rai and Robert Burke

Being a Man What are the thoughts and feelings of young men in society today? How do their cultural backgrounds, the places they were raised and their relationship with their fathers impact their views on masculinity?

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54 JC What does the word masculinity mean to you? What does the word make you think of and are there any men you feel embody what it is to ‘be a man’?

OD Honestly the first thing I really think of is just a man and maybe the idea of strength. I think of my dad, someone who leads his family, goes to work and comes home - man of the house sort of thing. Yeah, a powerful male figure. But powerful doesn’t always mean strong.

RB That’s tough because I think what I want it to mean to me is just identifying as a man. I think masculinity is a construct. I think in a societal sense masculinity is just being tough, being calloused, not showing your emotions too much because in a sense masculinity means you’re supposed to be strong. Since emotions are supposedly a weakness, to be masculine is to be able to keep those feelings inside and not burden anybody else. As I’ve gotten older, I guess I’ve just started to think that masculinity is just a construct of the time and I don’t think its necessarily one specific thing. I think in my head I view masculinity as something that involves being strong, being able to be a rock for some people but that doesn’t mean you have to hide your emotions.

One of my uncles actually represents that acting tough kinda thing, I’ve never once heard this man talk about something that has emotionally bothered him or made him upset. He’s only talked about things that have made him angry but no other emotion.

Anger is such a masculine emotion.

DM When you said the word masculinity the first thing that came to mind is an action movie with Jason Statham or something like that, that’s the first thing that I associate with masculinity even though it’s not really it, but I think that is basically what is shown as masculinity. The idea of being a man is being like James Bond or Idris Elba, people like that, those are the people shown to be manly men. I don’t think in real life there is one role model to show what it is to be a man.

RR A guy. Like a dude, I guess. I don’t know. I think I actually think of French, the language French, because I remember learning about words that were masculine and feminine. That’s just a context where I have heard that word a lot.

JC What ideas did you have about masculinity as a child?

RB Well a big one was that being a man I would have to be able to fully take care of my family and by that, I mean financially. I’d have to be the breadwinner and have to be the head of the household. I definitely didn’t think about equality as much – it was a weird balance of being told that a man should be the head of the house but also that women should be respected and are equal. As a child that was a weird one to think about. Other than that, I mean being tough and being able to stand up to anybody that gave me shit, not backing down. That was definitely something that was important during middle school.

55 OD On a personal level, I’ve always looked up to my dad as a sort of target figure.

As a kid you grow up knowing “I must get a job”, “I must provide for my family”, “I must be strong”. But strong doesn’t mean muscle strong, I’m saying you have to be head strong, determined and show no weakness in terms of if moments in your life are difficult. I mean, I know my dad has had difficult times and he’s always come through it. So, as a kid I think whenever I thought of that word, even though I might not have known what it meant, I thought about determination and that’s probably why I was so competitive as a kid. If you win, if you beat other people it makes you feel powerful.

RR It was an unconscious thing, I think.

I’m not from a place where things were equal.

I grew up in a place where a man and a woman had their own roles. It was quite normal for women to be housewives but at the same time growing up I didn’t really pay attention to the idea of masculinity that much because it was never really talked about. Obviously moving here there are a lot of women who work and they are more independent so I guess its more of a level playing field but I know its more equal here than what I grew up with.

JC Do you remember the first time you were told to be a man or that boys don’t cry?

How old were you?

DM Never. I was raised of course by my dad and my mum, but also my godmother, my grandma … so I had a lot of feminine influence and nobody ever told me these kinds of things.

RB Let me think, I’m not sure. I’ve definitely been told it before, but I don’t really remember the first time I heard it. I know I’ve been blessed enough that my immediate family aren’t like that, they don’t say shit like that, so I know it wasn’t from them. I’ve definitely heard it from friends in high school.

“Being a man is being like James Bond or Idris Elba, those are people shown to be manly men”

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JC Did you have any male role models growing up? Who are some men who you look up to now?

OD I looked up to my dad and I still look up to my dad. I think it’s a common thing to be fair. My dad came from a council house with no central heating, started from nothing really and now he has a nice house, family – pretty much has it all now. Honestly one of those rags to riches sort of stories. When he tells me about that I think, here’s someone who is content with what they have and doesn’t show off and that’s a role model really isn’t it.

RB Well my obvious male role model is my dad. There’s a perception that a lot of African American people don’t have fathers, which is an unfortunate perception because it isn’t true – a lot of people do have fathers present in their lives. I was lucky to have a really good one, he always took care of us and took care of my mom and his mom as well.

Now... still my dad of course. Barack Obama is definitely one. He stands out to me as a role model because of the way he speaks – he has a way of speaking that is very reassuring to people. He speaks with gentle confidence and I’ve always wanted to be able to do that as well. Also, he’s mature but he’s also funny and I just always thought I want to be like that too.

DM My role model is basically my dad and that’s really it. I mean one of my cousins as well, he’s the oldest cousin and he liked graphics and it’s because of him that I went to art school. Also, when I was a kid, I used to love Eminem. He was cool as fuck and would say whatever, but he definitely wasn’t a role model just someone I thought was a cool guy.

RR My biggest role model growing up was this guy called Shaktimaan, he’s an Indian superhero right. He’s basically like superman, his name basically means power man.

Growing up my inspirations were always superheroes. Shaktimaan, Spiderman for example. I guess I was always into comics so those were my inspirations growing up. Now its sort of the same but not as prominent. I see those characters in a different way, because when you’re young you just want to be strong or powerful, but the characters grow up with you. Now though, I look up to more illustrators and stuff and people who inspire me and help me move forward.

JC What is the earliest memory you have of, or with your dad?

RR This is a strange one right. I don’t really remember him much in my childhood because he wasn’t really around. Obviously, he was in the army and in England, and I didn’t get to see him that much to be honest with you. I think the earliest memory I have of him; he used to come and visit when he could. He came to visit, and we were living in this rented apartment and he had gotten a haircut and he called me and my brother and he was wearing a vest, like a wife beater vest.

He was like “I’ll give you guys two lollipops if you clean this vest”. Another time I remember was I think in 2002, it was the world cup qualifiers. He called me on the phone, and we were talking about football and I was like “Yeah! Yeah! England is my favourite team”. I remember the specific spot I was standing in and I remember telling him that.

OD Honestly the one that sticks out would be when I was first getting into football. He played football at semi-professional level and then broke his leg and stopped playing. I remember when I went to my first game, he was actually assistant manager of the team and I played for the year above because there wasn’t a team for my age. I knew how to kick a ball but not very well and he brought me on, and I scored in the wrong goal. At the time it was hands on head, he was gutted but he knew how upset I was, and he brought me aside and then spent a lot of time with me developing my skills. When you think ten years later, I was playing better than he was at his age.

RB Probably not my earliest but this one does stand out. When I was maybe 5 or 6, my dad signed us up for a basketball team. All the kids were really young, I don’t remember exactly but young enough that we were all trash. I think my dad signed us up because all his friends had signed their kids up. At the time I didn’t even really care for basketball like that, he just threw me in there. I don’t know if it was for me or for him but yeah that would be my first memory.

DM I think its also the earliest memory I have of myself, excluding videos and photos.

Helping my dad out when we were renovating our house and I was 5 or something. I was helping him out by carrying tiny buckets of sand and my dad was saying “cool, cool you’re doing a lot” but really, I was fucking around.

There is a video of me helping him by hiding a shovel under a bucket I was sitting on. He just picked up the bucket and grabbed it and kept working.

JC How do you think your relationship with your dad has affected the man you are today?

RB My dad doesn’t often complain about things that impact him emotionally, at least not to me or my sister. I think because of that for a long time I thought of it more that things didn’t bother him rather than he was keeping things in. I always thought that was a really good thing and I always tried to do that and it has worked a lot for me in time where I felt under pressure or stressed but, other times I’ve definitely been in situations where it would’ve been better for me to address the issues head on, vent about them or be upset but instead I would try to keep it in and not even consider it important to open up. I think a lot time if I was getting upset, I would talk myself down. I still sometimes do it, but I’ve gotten a lot better at opening up. That’s something though that I took from him that impacted me for a lot of years.

RR I think it’s affected me more recently more than growing up because he wasn’t really there growing up. He’s obviously a very disciplined guy and from a military background but I was never really like that. I’m not really disciplined in that way. I think there was always a little bit of distance in terms of relatability. My dad was fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq so I kinda felt that I had to be strong like that, or maybe it trickles down. It’s made me more appreciative for what I have because he’s done a lot to get here and it kinda makes me want to do the same. It makes me more driven; you know but at the same time of course there are negatives too. The way we think is different so sometimes there is a lot of disagreement, because I didn’t grow up completely in that lifestyle that he grew up in and half of the time I was in the UK so

that gives me two perspectives at the same time. There were disagreements but it makes me more open minded and makes me want to be a better person.

DM I don’t know, my dad was always very present with me and he still is, we talk everyday – several times a day. My parents are equally present but yeah, he’s always helping around the house, helping people like my grandma – even my grandma on my mum’s side. My dad always got on really well with her and that taught me a lot as well about helping other people even if they aren’t your family.

JC Is there any advice your dad taught you that you would pass on to your future son?

OD Dad always said make sure you’re always happy and enjoying what you do, that could be sport, work … it applies to all things you do. If you don’t enjoy what you’re doing, then why are you doing it kinda thing. He’s always told me to take risks as well, he had ten years where he jumped from job to job and didn’t settle. He’s always said he doesn’t care what I do, I always have a place here but if I enjoy what I do and am good at it then the money will come. I think I’m materialistic with stuff like tech and trainers but when it comes to happiness, money isn’t a primary factor for me.

RR I don’t know to be honest. This is the thing; I don’t think my family have ever been one to ever sit you down and tell advice like that. Everything I’ve been told I’ve taken with a pinch of salt and I don’t really think he was in the position to give me advice on being here. I think if we lived back home, his advice would be more suitable and valid. Growing

up here is completely different and I’m the first one to experience that. He did teach me a lot though. A lesson I caught onto is just the idea of doing things, trying everything and not wasting opportunities. Not being shy to try things no matter what. I guess that’s the one main thing.

RB My dad was always one of those people who is very prompt in everything that he does so he always told me “being early is being on time, being on time is being late and being late is like not having shown up at all”.

Can’t say I follow that in my current lifestyle, but I think it’s a good lesson which would help me out if I followed it. Another one is that he always taught me to treat people with respect no matter how disrespectfully they treat you.

DM It’s a bit cliché but once I talked to my dad about it and it kinda stuck with me. Its that we might as well enjoy what we are doing right now because after a certain age in life, time starts moving quickly. He was saying that he felt like it was only a few months ago that he left the military (because my dad had to do service for a year) and that was in the eighties!! After leaving the military he said time went by really quickly and he was always happy in what he was doing and the people he was with, so its important to hold onto those things and enjoy them because life is gonna move quick!!

“I’ve definitely been in situations where it would’ve been better for me to address the issues head on, vent about them or be upset but instead I would try to keep it in”

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JC Do you remember at what age you stopped holding hands with your dad in public? Do you show affection to your dad, whether physical or verbal?

RR Nah. Not really no. There was never anything like that. There isn’t any interaction like that growing up – that’s what was missing. I think it is a lot to do with the fact that the mum is the one who raises you but even my mum, I rarely hug her.

RB I don’t remember what age, but it must have been very early, like I don’t have any memory of holding hands with my dad.

Me and my dad definitely do show affection but not in the same way I do with my mom.

He’ll say he loves me and stuff like that, but we don’t really hug. I guess we dap each other up or do any other physical thing, it’s more like comments in passing.

DM Yeah of course I show affection. I stopped holding both my parents’ hands at the same time basically. I never held hands that much anyway because I was always a free spirit. Holding hands was not a big thing.

I don’t remember it really, my parents let me roam around as long as I knew my boundaries. Hugs in public, that stuff doesn’t bother me, I don’t care. Sometimes still me and my dad will be waiting for my mum to do something and I just lean against him like a kid.

OD Um, that’s interesting because I thought about this recently. Me and my dad have always got on well and had good chats about lessons and we can have a laugh but in terms of affection it’s not very common.

Maybe when I moved to uni or he know I was gonna be away for a while, then he’d give me a hug. I don’t know how it is for other lads,

but I wouldn’t say that our relationship is intimate in a sense that you see that its intimate. Honestly, I don’t have a memory of last holding my dads’ hand which shows how long ago that was unless it’s something as a joke, when I was 17 and crossing the road.

But other than that, intimate moments are more when we sit down and laugh and have a chat rather than anything physical now that I’m older.

“I think every lad should see their dad cry but, unfortunately, crying comes with the connotation of weakness” JC Have you ever seen your dad cry and how did it make you feel?

RB No, no I haven’t. I think I would be pretty heartbroken. Right now, my dad is going through a lot of things with my grandmother having dementia and not being in the best health and I can tell that there is a lot of pressure on him. I have seen him get emotionally frustrated but not cry, so I think if I did, I don’t know how I’d feel. He’s like a pillar of strength in the family so it would be really weird to experience seeing him break down.

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OD Yes. That broke me. I think every lad should see their dad cry, because I think they’re every son’s role model. Unfortunately crying comes with the connotation of weakness and that sort of thing, and I think knowing that even your dad can cry is a lesson in itself. Knowing that they aren’t robots and it makes you feel like you can show emotions like that as well.

DM Yes of course, not all the time but bad stuff happens, everyone cries, and I don’t expect my dad to be the only one who stands there and doesn’t show his feeling.

RR I haven’t. I don’t know how I’d feel. I think to a certain extent it would be weird but also, I’m grown enough to know it’s a normal thing. It would be weird but not because it’s a dude crying but more because Nepalese dads don’t really show anything like that. You don’t know what’s going on really.

JC When is the last time you remember crying, and not to a movie or show? Would you say you cry often or very rarely?

OD Not to a movie!! My goodness. You know what I think it was when I saw my dad cry, which was at his best friends’ funeral. I think that broke me more, knowing how upset he was. I think I was about 16/17.

RR I think it was in high school probably, I think I was having an argument with my dad. It was an unfair situation and I was just frustrated because I wasn’t being listened to.

I think it was about what I was going to do for A-Levels because I wanted to do art and obviously there was a disagreement.

RB I do not cry often. I think the last thing I cried about something that didn’t involve a show was in 2018, at the end of the year. I feel like I do get sad, but the tears aren’t always there. Maybe I suppress the crying aspect, I’m not sure.

DM Oh shit I don’t know. I cry if I have to, not on demand. It doesn’t happen often. The last time was probably October 2019 during sad homie hours.

JC Who do you find it easiest to talk about your emotions to? S/O, male friends, female friends, family etc.

RB Me and my family have a good relationship, but they definitely aren’t the first people I would reach out to. For a while now it’s been friends, specifically female friends.

I’d say for the most part I don’t really talk about emotions with my male friends. For whatever reason I feel like my female friends would be less judgemental. Also of course, I speak to you about that stuff too. I think part of why I don’t speak to my male friends as much is because of the fear of judgement and fear of being looked at like a baby. It’s weird because I shouldn’t care, and I know I have friends who wouldn’t be like that at all. It’s this feeling that they won’t really care or give good advice, they would just encourage me to “fuck a bitch” or get laid to get over it.

Nah… that’s not me and after getting that advice before, I don’t think I need that kinda negativity again.

OD I think in terms of emotions, lots of my emotions come from ideas of failure rather than sadness. I think if I were to talk to someone about how I was feeling it would be my dad. He is more often open with me about how he’s feeling than I am with him, it’s that thing of knowing that he trusts me as a source of support for him so that gives me the confidence to know I can go to him.

I think it depends heavily on the person or the context. I think I’d always go to male friends over female friends. My go to way of thinking is “I’m a guy and I’m feeling this so maybe other guys have felt this” so I’ll ask them and if they haven’t well crap. I think that’s something I think about without realising it. But yeah, I think probably 9 times out of 10, it would go that way.

RR I think I do talk about emotions, I guess to friends mostly. I think I don’t really speak about things like that with my parents or family. I’ve spoken to my brother about that kinda thing once. I think mostly friends and Lucia, but definitely friends over family.

It depends on the person. I talk to Prabhat a lot about these things regarding family and stuff and growing up because he’s obviously in the same situation and he helps me put things into perspective and understand that this is just a product of these changes our parents have had to make. It’s not just me and these are things everyone goes through.

DM You know the answer. You. And Ricky too. I think it depends on the boys first of all.

In a way I can talk about that stuff with some friends, but only when it’s just two of us together. If it’s a group, they might be like “oh pussies” or something. In general, though,

girls are easier to talk to – definitely. I don’t think girls are raised with the mentality of “you don’t have emotions” and although it wasn’t my case, I think it is a lot of peoples cases growing up being told “why are you crying, are you a little girl” JC Why do you think so many men are reluctant to go to therapy or ask for help? Would you or have you ever spoken to a therapist?

DM Because it relates back to the manly thing. You’re supposed to be man of the house and people rely on you and stuff like that. If people are raised like that and think like that then they will be against asking for help. I never have spoken to anyone because I never felt the need to but if I ever need to, I will and I think it’s good for people to talk to someone who actually understands shit and not just your friends who think they have advice about relationships but have never been in one. Shout out to a couple of people.

RR Well a lot is to do with the image that you kinda have to embrace. A man doesn’t cry, a man doesn’t have feelings, you know.

I think that’s the main reason. Guys are just supposed to get through these things. I don’t think I’d go to a therapist because I don’t think I’d get to that point. I’ve been through so much that I guess it sounds douchey but I’ve gone through a lot regarding feeling down that I know how to deal with my feelings. I guess I armchair therapist myself. I’m saying this now, I guess if I did need to I would, but it would have to be a dire situation.

RB For a lot of men seeking out help like that displays weakness. If you go to therapy, it must mean that you are struggling with something or something is bother-

ing you enough that you can’t fix it on your own. A lotta dudes don’t want to appear weak to others, especially publicly. It’s a bad way to think about therapy because yeah, I have been to therapy, twice. I haven’t been as much as I want to because of insurance, it wasn’t for anything specific I just felt like over time I hadn’t expressed a lot of stuff. At first, I thought it was something I didn’t need but now I think about it as something that everyone should go to – obviously some people need it more, but you know your friends and family can’t be your therapist.

OD It’s that conscious understanding that most men have of, as I said before you know you don’t want to see your dad cry because you don’t want to see your role model collapse like that. Unfortunately it’s this destructive connotation and you don’t want to show sign of weakness and have to rely on someone else to get better but really is you need the help you should get it because it could lead to more suffering cant it. I think generally men don’t do it because they fear what other men would think. I think also some people have developed fronts where they seem like they’re really confident and headstrong, so hearing that they need help or have asked for help can be shocking to some people. But yeah, I’ve always been someone whose said, if I need help, I will ask for it.

JC Do you think aggression is natural in men or is it taught by society?

RB I think its taught. Mainly by society – I think we often don’t realise how much society has an impact on us through social norms and stuff like that. I think its nurture not nature.

OD I think it depends on the context. I

think men are taught to have an approach to life that is to be headstrong and take on things by the horns which maybe, when they feel they’re in a vulnerable position, they act on that with aggression. I think aggression is an interesting term. I think I’ve seen women in my life be more aggressive than men in my life. But also, I can understand that some people would’ve been taught to not back down and that’s what leads them to act like that more.

RR That’s a hard question. The way I see it, it’s a physical thing. Physical as well as mental. Guys are usually more physical, and I guess to some extent its natural. You take this back a couple of thousand of years and it’s always been the thing – the dude is out there hunting, fighting, trying to get the girls.

The males are always competing for the female. It was kinda necessary for the guys to be more aggro and that just became part of society and what’s expected. We just never got rid of it, as a species.

DM In a way, I kinda feel like it’s the environment. I feel that the guys and girls who are more prone to fight are like that because of the environment. That’s why you see those videos too of girls pulling each other’s hair and all that. Men are the same. They square up, puff their chests all the way up, looking like fucking peacocks, trying to be the alpha male which is something that doesn’t even exist in the human race. But yeah, I think it’s mostly how you’re raised but also hormones and the fight or flight as well maybe.

JC What would be your initial reaction if someone called you a pussy or told you to man up? Would you feel differently if a friend said it compared to a stranger?

DM I don’t think my reaction would be different. Me and my friends back home always do the thing of reacting to comments by just looking in their eyes and laughing to make them more mad. If someone told me to be a man, I would just think … what the fuck does that even mean.

RB Me right now, I wouldn’t care. I feel like when someone is saying shit like that, I don’t really give a fuck. It would definitely be different if it was a friend saying it though, especially a close friend. If one of them said it, and it wasn’t obviously some sort of joke, I think it would really hurt.

JC Have you ever been teased or bullied for liking something that isn’t seen as masculine in society?

OD When I did diving for 4 years it was definitely a bit of a shock for my football friends. I went from playing at a high standard to quitting because I didn’t enjoy it. My dad encouraged me to stay active and competitive and try something else. Soon of course I was in competitions at a national level and I was being recognised more for those achievements than for football. I think that caused a negative reaction within my friends and I don’t know if it was jealousy, but I did lose a few friends because of it. It definitely wasn’t seen as a masculine sport, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to boss it.

RR I don’t think so. I think at one point in my childhood I really wanted a Barbie doll,

and my mum got me one. It wasn’t even a real one, it was some fake ass one. But even then, I was never bullied or teased for anything.

DM Not bullied but kinda “Oh you care about clothes… what” teased, I guess. People ask me if I’m gay a lot. Its not a matter of if, but when they ask. I don’t even remember the first time. I think people assume this because especially in high school I hung out with girls all the time, like I do now. I feel girls are easier to get along with. I get on with boys as well of course, but masculinity has a smell and it isn’t pleasant. I think because I grew up with so many women I find it easier as well.

RB Oh get this?! Not really bullied but made fun of by a friend of mine. This one is really dumb. In early high school a friend of mine made fun of me because he thought I listened to too many female music artists. He would say “ bro are you a girl … you listen to all these females”. If someone said that now I’d just laugh.

“Social media definitely lets people be toxic easily”

JC Do you think social media has caused an increase in toxic masculinity?Which site/ app do you personally find to be the most toxic?

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RB Yes, I do. My first thought was Instagram, but twitter is up there too. A lot of times on twitter men have free reign to hypersexualise women and demean them, have means to shit on other dudes for things they like, calling other men simps because they said something nice. Twitter is just a place where people can speak freely without many repercussions. My first thoughts about Instagram was about vanity and seeing the physical expectations for men and women. I mean, a lot of these meme pages and other ones too, have a lot of free reigns when making jokes to just shit on people. A lot of meme pages came after Dwayne Wade when his son came out as trans. They were making all these jokes and then look at the comments and it’s just some of the most awful things.

Everyone dropping their opinions on what a family should’ve done.

RR From what I’m seeing I think it’s the opposite. Social media is a very progressive platform, so I think there’s a lot of positive thing out there, that I’ve been seeing at least.

I don’t know what I’ve been browsing – but I’ve been seeing a lot of feel good about yourself kinda posts. I haven’t really seen any toxic things but of course there is a lot of it out there still. As a platform it becomes toxic when you get to that point where you’re being dictated by it and spend too much time within it. I think when it rules your life that’s when it starts impacting you in terms of body image and stuff like that.

OD This sort of links to some research I’ve done for my project as well. I think for young teenagers, not just men, I think there is a pressure because you see all these models on Instagram who get so many likes. What makes Instagram particularly harmful is the feeling

of “If I don’t get as many likes as this person, am I as attractive as them? Am I as talented as them?”. Not many lads I know care about likes that much but there have been people, and I’ve been amongst it before, where you’re very conscious about what you put on social media because you’re representing yourself.

The harm comes from the fear of judgement and what people are gonna say in response to what you’re posting and the only thing you can control in that situation is what you post.

So, if you aren’t secure in yourself or your appearance etc then that’s where the harm comes in.

DM I don’t think it’s completely toxic all the time but there are always gonna be toxic people on it. It definitely lets people be toxic easily. They don’t have to say anything to someone’s face. Those shitty pages that encourage that, those are specific examples.

Who are you... why you always have to put people on blast?

JC Who are some public figures that you think are good role models for kids today?

RB

Will Smith is a good role model.

DM I don’t know there are a lot, Tom Hanks, Idris Elba and even DiCaprio … giving a voice to environmental issues is really important. There’s a lot of people who have a voice and use it to tackle issues, even like Joaquin Phoenix with the Joker, and I think these are good people to look up to. Terry Crews as well. First of all, he is really funny!

I don’t really know much about it but, his influence in the #MeToo movement as well, because that helps a lot of men be more comfortable talking about those things.

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#MeToo

Terry Crews’ influence on the movement and empowering men to speak out about sexual assault and rape.

The #MeToo movement is a movement started to raise awareness about sexual assault and sexual harassment of women. The phrase has been used online as early as 2006 but gained global traction in October 2017 with the surge of accusations against Harvey Weinstein. Although the phrase was originally a way for women to speak about harassment they’ve experienced, often in the workplace, there is a space for men within this hashtag.

On October 10th, 2017, Terry Crews published a tweet which has changed his life and the way he is viewed publicly. Crews revealed that he had been assaulted by a Hollywood agent. Other men came forward including actors James Van Der Beek and Brendan Fraser, as well as many male models speak-

ing out against photographers. Although Crews was met with a lot of support, he also faced a lot of backlash and scepticism – specifically from other men who didn’t believe that a man of Crews stature and size could be assaulted. Crews, like many women, was accused of seeking fame and money when he came forward. His gender meant that he faced a different set of questions than women would— “Why didn’t he just punch the guy?”. Some public figures, such as 50 Cent, made jokes at Crews expense but this hasn’t stopped Crews from continually speaking out.

Image, screenshots of 4 of 16 tweets regarding his sexual assault. Credit - @terrycrews on twitter

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Crews won his civil case against Adam Venit, the executive who had groped him. As well as this he has spoken in front of the Senate about the implementation of the Sexual Assault Survivors’ Bill of Rights as well as filming a PSA regarding joking about male assault.

1 in 6 men have been targets of rape or sexual assault, around 5 million men in the UK. Sexual assault is not often spoken about by men; many men feel shame because of the misconception that men can’t be raped as well as the idea that a man who is assaulted must therefore be weak and unable to defend himself.

Male sexual assault is and will continue to be a taboo topic, and it will only lose that stigma if more celebrities and public figures openly speak about it. This stigma is directly tied to the way society views masculinity – specifically in relation to sex. Men are often encouraged from a young age to be strong and not seem vulnerable. The fact is, men can be victims of all sorts of violence and abuse, including sexual. Men are viewed as the primary cause of violence, domestic abuse and rape, but when we acknowledge that they too can be affected by these problems, we open the floor and include them in finding a solution. Through continually speaking about these issues that make us uncomfortable, we can undo some of these subconsciously conditioned ideas we have about what men should be.

Statements and statistics from: https://1in6.org/ get-information/ myths/

“I’m gonna be talking about this for the rest of my life”

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Boys and men can be sexually abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are A boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause nor the result of sexual abuse Boys can be abused by anyone, including women Just because somebody was abused, doesn’t mean they will end up being abusive themselves

top being such a puss hy are you crying lik girl... that’s gay.

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The model for masculinity in Westernised society today is hegemonic masculinity and it can be described with the Man Box model. Inside the box would be attributes and roles that constitute conventional masculinity: Strong, Breadwinner, Respected, Intimidating, Rich, Macho, Player.

Outside of the box would be words which are used to confine boys and men into this ideal, words such as: Gay, Pussy, Bitch, Girl, Weak etc. If a boy isn’t meeting expectations of manliness, he will often be degraded using feminised or homophobic words.

Your personal idea of what it means to be a man, or a woman comes from your experiences and the messages you get from others.

Gender is normalised through culture, context, structures, and interactions All men are influenced by their upbringing, experience, and social environment which play a big role in deciding one’s view of masculinity and manhood. This means that masculinity is going to be different for everyone. Influential factors in shaping ideas of manhood are race, class, ability, sexual orientation, and gender.

Gender is normalised through culture, context, structures and interactions.

The concept of male privilege is linked to advantages and rights that men have solely based on their gender. These can be shown in many ways, from the pay gap between professionals doing the same job – sports people being a major example. Many transgender men, who transitioned later in life and now ‘pass’ as straight males, have spoken of being more respected in their jobs as well as no longer feeling threatened whilst walking alone at night. . For men with marginalised masculinities, male privilege affects them differently because they are privileged as men but hold at least one oppressed identity. For example, being a man of colour in a primarily white space or a disabled man in a mostly able-bodied space.

Marginalised masculinities lead to less privilege than straight white man, however they still have more privilege than women.

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Suicide is the biggest killer for men under 45 in the UK, despite more women attempting suicide than men In researching hegemonic masculinity and the man box concept I became aware of some rather alarming statistics. 84 men commit suicide every week in Britain, men die younger than women across the world, men are 18 times more likely to die at work and are generally more likely to die from accidental causes. I have continuously seen other men online use these sorts of statistics to deny male privilege and simultaneously blame women for these issues. The term ‘Toxic Masculinity’ has been so overused that I think many people don’t even listen to the discussion.

The idea of toxic masculinity doesn’t mean that women are incapable of being toxic or awful. Toxic masculinity refers to exaggerated behaviours intended to make oneself appear more masculine, usually prompted by

insecurities. A lot of these shocking statistics about men reflect the ways in which they themselves suffer from the current model of masculinity. Online there is a lot of discussion about how suicide is the biggest killer for men under 45. I’ve seen men argue that this statistic alone proves that men are not more privileged than women, otherwise the statistics for men would be lower than for women. Unfortunately, this statistic doesn’t tell the full story. On average, more women actually attempt suicide than men; however, because of the focus on strength, violence and aggression that comes with masculinity, men have a higher suicide rate because they generally choose more violent methods for suicide which have significantly less chance of survival, such as hanging or shooting.

79 Another argument is that women live longer than men, hence are more privileged. Men are half as likely to visit their doctor than women and are significantly more likely to die from curable illnesses. This can be directly linked to the man box model, particularly the way men are not supposed to seem weak. Men do not actively ask or seek out help, whether for their mental and physical health, because there is so much pressure to seem outwardly tough. This is also why men’s suicides can come as such shocks to friends and family; many people had no idea that there was any sort of issue or struggle in the first place.

We have seen certain ideas about masculinity change as cultures have changed; for example, the changed attitude towards smoking cigarettes and driving under the influence.

Nerds and geeks have climbed the societal hierarchy despite not being classically masculine figures; this has been primarily due to the reliance on technology. There has been a general increase in acceptance of homosexuality in the west, despite homophobic comments and attitudes still being commonplace in schools. There are still areas with double standards for men; however, studies have shown that women benefit from having more masculine traits, but men do not lose anything from adding more feminine traits.

Overall it can be agreed that by acknowledging these trends, rises and falls, we can see that masculinity is not something that should be restricted to just one box or ideal. Despite the way that the current model for masculinity is set up to harm both women and men, thankfully most men today have not adhered strictly to the man box framework, instead developing a version of masculinity which works for them.

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Behind the Mask part three

A series of images comprising of found photographs, digital experimentation and digital paintings. Exploring the variations in definition of masculinity in society.

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Learn More Books Mask Off / JJ Bola How to be a Boy / Robert Webb Battle Scars / Jason Fox Documentaries The Mask you Live in / Netflix Reggie Yates Extreme: Dying for Six Pack / Netflix Inside the Secret World of Incels / BBC IPlayer Professor Green : Suicide and Me / BBC IPlayer The Documentary - What Men Think / BBC World Service Films Boyhood Moonlight Beau Travail Tomboy Chevalier

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If you are dealing with any issues discussed in this book, don’t be afraid to speak to someone.

Other Resources • https://www.bigwhitewall.com/ • https://1in6.org/ • https://theselfspace.com/ 07860 027573 Male Survivor Helpline: 0808 800 5005 support@safeline.org.uk https://www.safeline.org.uk/

0300 123 3393 Text: 86463

Nationwide: 0800 58 58 58

info@mind.org.uk

London: 0800 802 5858

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/gethelp/

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All Imagery, unless separately credited as my own, is courtesy of Jocks & Nerds Magazine.

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