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HELPING PARENTS
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CREATE A JEWISH HOME
VOLUME ONE, NUMBER THREE
AGES FOUR
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Settling in as a Family
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The role of Jewish parents
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rituals in new ways, and make parents feel less self-conscious about doing things they may never have done themselves, such as singing and lighting candles or saying the blessing over bread during Shabbat. New parenthood forces parents to perform many tasks that may feel strange and alien at first. Lighting candles is no different in this respect from bathing a baby or assembling a crib or toy labeled “some assembly required.” Children do live what they learn at home. If they are read Jewish books, participate in Jewish activities, have Jewish friends, and celebrate the Sabbath, even in as small a way as lighting candles, they will understand that being Jewish is an integral and important part of life to you. In honoring God, you will be teaching your children that you are worthy of honor, too.
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aving children who can carry on the Jewish faith, and live it well, is one of the most important aspects of being Jewish. The first commandment, after all, is to be fruitful and multiply. That’s the easy part. The hard part is living a life you want your children to emulate, and teaching them what they need to know to become mensches—people able and willing to love and be loved, who respect and understand their religion, and who act righteously. This responsibility can be daunting. Think about the commandment that tells children to honor their parents. The implication is that parents are worthy of this honor. For a new parent fed up with a colicky baby, or in despair because she suddenly sees her life centering on dirty diapers and the constant demands of an infant, even being human seems difficult at times. Luckily, there is no commandment to be perfect. As your child’s first teacher, your example at home shows your children what being Jewish means. In this, children can often help their parents: a child’s sense of wonder and discovery can illuminate old A PUBLICATION
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ALSO INSIDE: Friday night: blessing over bread page 5 Developmental Timeline page 6 Interfaith Parents Forum page 7 Parent Resources page 8
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he first frantic days are past. You no longer sneak into your baby’s bedroom in the middle of the night to make sure he is still sleeping, or wonder what that cry means. You’re settling in with your baby, and settling into the realization that you are a family. You are beginning to establish the routines, the ways of life, the attitudes, that will color your baby’s childhood and your family’s life. It is a perfect time to reflect on the kind of life you want to lead and the kinds of traditions you want to incorporate into your lives. In this issue, we offer some ways to include Jewish attitudes and practices in your new routine. ✔ Your parents, and your spouse’s parents, have a new and important role. How can you make the most of it—without feeling smothered? See page 3. ✔ Make bedtimes Jewish. You can recognize and celebrate your beliefs every time you tuck in your baby. See page 2. ✔ Start a Jewish playgroup. See page 3. ✔ Challah. It’s not just bread. Here is a recipe, challah lore, and suggestions for making a challah cover. See pages 4-6.
ROBERT E. LOUP JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER
Jewish Parenting…
Make Bedtimes Jewish
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usic is integral to Jewish life. We sing blessings, dance to Israeli folk songs, and revel in klezmer music. Babies love music, too. Child development experts stress the importance of singing to babies from the moment they are born to promote language development. Sing them Jewish lullabies and introduce them to Jewish songs you love. You can play lullabies quietly, too, after you first put your baby to sleep. See the Resource Guide on page 8 for a tape of Jewish songs you can learn together.
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edtime can be one of the sweetest times of the day. It can be a pause in the demands of life, a chance to relax and reconnect with your baby. It is also a perfect time to take some baby steps toward teaching your child about his or her Jewish identity. Two of the long-time parental favorites for bedtime— songs and stories—are a great way to start. For some possibilities for your baby’s bedtime, see the Resource Guide on page 8. Consider making the Shema prayer (Deuteronomy 6:4) or any prayer of your choice part of the ritual too. The Shema, the central credo of Judaism, is traditionally said at bedtime by observant Jews. A short prayer, it is easy for children to learn, and can be recited or chanted. If started at an early age, it can become as natural a part of bedtime as a lullaby. A bedtime prayer can be a great comfort to a child. It is a shield against the sometimes irrational world, a nightly reassurance that all is right with the universe.
Sing Jewish Songs
laer:c]yI [m'v] ≥dj;a, òh Wnyqeløa‘ òh
Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad. Hear, O Israel, the Lord is Our God, the Lord is One. An alternative translation is: Listen, Israel: the Eternal is our God, the Eternal One alone.
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Read and Tell Jewish Stories
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he stories of the Jewish people are thrilling, from the tales of Biblical adventures to famous Jewish legends. Too often these stories are overlooked when we read to our children, replaced by the usual American repertoire of nursery rhymes. You may have to make a special effort to find Jewish materials to read to your child. In every issue of Apples & Honey, the Resource Guide will list age-appropriate Jewish books for you and your child to enjoy together. You can read these stories, or tell stories of your own past or that of your family’s history. They will become part of the fabric of your infant’s childhood, perhaps to be repeated by him or her to your grandchildren.
Things You Can Do
Start a Jewish Playgroup
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Get Grandparents Involved
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randparents can play an important role in the Jewish education of your children. What can they do to foster a sense of Jewish heritage and create Jewish memories? Here are some ideas:
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ne of the best ways to meet other Jewish families is to start a Jewish playgroup. The benefits of playgroups are many. They give your child a chance to play with other children, give parents a chance to trade tips and worries and share adult conversation, and provide some structure to what may otherwise be a long day. Starting or joining a Jewish playgroup has additional advantages. Your child spends time with children whose families share the important bond of religion. He or she may make Jewish friends that will last through childhood. All of you may find a place in a group of like-minded families, friends who can share holiday celebrations and other important times. If you want to start a Jewish playgroup, one obvious place to look for members is among Jewish friends who have babies themselves or who know many people in the community. Another way, and one that may lead to new friends, is to contact a local Jewish Community Center or synagogue and find out if such a group already exists or is forming. There may also be a place on a bulletin board for a notice. The rules for playgroups are usually loose; the groups meet weekly at a set time, often move from house to house, and stay together as long as the members are enjoying the experience. Sometimes they disband when the children go off to school. Other playgroups, though, become longterm associations that form a chavurah (a small Jewish fellowship
or group of families who celebrate holidays together and/or study Judaism). Still other playgroups are the start of babysitting co-ops and lifelong friendships among families.
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ewish grandparents are your child’s first glimpse of Jewish history. They know family history, your history, and the history they have seen and heard in their lives. Grandparents play another important role in the lives of families—that of the adoring Grandpa, Grandma, Zadie or Bubbe (Yiddish) or Saba and Savta (Hebrew) who spoil the children and love them without limit. As parents we realize, sometimes with exasperation, that the role of the grandparent is to delight in every perfect detail of their grandchildren—and leave the tough business of raising them to us. In many families, of course, the new grandparents may be a source of conflict. They may have different ideas about how to raise the children than you do, and conflicts you never resolved with your parents may find fresh fuel. As parents, though, you have something the grandparents want—your children. Once you realize their object is love, and that your role as parent is secure, it’s easier to smile, ignore the irritations, and remember that, after all, they may have learned something about how to raise children. After all, you turned out all right.
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✔ send cassette tapes of their favorite Jewish stories or songs that can be played at bedtime ✔ videotape or record stories of their childhoods ✔ give a tzedakah (charity) box as a baby gift and make a point to add coins each time they visit ✔ celebrate Shabbat and the holidays with you
✔ make or send Jewish care packages with favorite family foods ✔ remind you of the family traditions you enjoyed as children ✔ take grandchildren with them to visit relatives or the homebound ✔ create traditions with their grandchildren: a standing date every week, a regular phone call, a weekly letter or cassette tape, Shabbat dinners ✔ send photographs and videotapes of them participating in Jewish activities like holidays and Shabbat
C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E
Preparing for Shabbat: Baking Challah
C Makes two loaves
2 packages active dry yeast 1 1/2 cups warm water 1/2 cup sugar 1/3 cup vegetable oil 1 teaspoon salt 3 eggs, beaten 6 to 6 1/4 cups unbleached flour l beaten egg for wash and poppy or sesame seeds for sprinkling on top
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before braiding the loaves, bless it, and burn it in the oven after reciting a blessing. The name for this piece of dough is the challah portion, which gives the loaf its name. This comes from the Biblical mitzvah, or commandment, that a portion of the dough be separated from the challah and given to the Temple priests. Since the Temple in Jerusalem was destroyed in 70 C.E., this mitzvah is observed by burning a small piece in the oven and saying the accompanying blessing:
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CHALLAH
hallah is the braided egg bread traditionally served on Shabbat and holidays. Often it has a sprinkling of poppy seeds or sesame seeds. Making challah is a delicious way to prepare for Shabbat—the aroma of freshly baked bread can be an important memory of home for anyone. Joel Lurie Grishaver in his book 40 Things You Can Do to Save the Jewish People lists “making your house smell Jewish” as one of his top 40 ways to raise Jewish children and insure Jewish continuity. He cites research that smells are the earliest and strongest memories. Here’s a recipe for challah you can bake with your children. Look at the instructions below for braiding your loaves. Braiding the loaves sets them apart from the bread we eat the rest of the week. Some say the braids represent the intertwining of the Jewish people. During Rosh Hashanah, the new year holiday, the challah is made into a round loaf to symbolize the continuous cycle of life. Others say it is round to symbolize a crown. During this holiday, the loaves are traditionally dipped in honey, not salt, to reinforce the sweetness of the season. Traditional challah bakers break off a small piece of dough
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our warm water and yeast in a large mixing bowl and mix to combine. When the yeast is thoroughly dissolved, add the sugar, oil, salt, and eggs, mixing well. Stir in 4 cups of the flour, 1 cup at a time. The batter will be runny and lumpy. Add the balance of the flour until the dough is too thick to beat. Knead the dough for 5 or 10 minutes, adding flour as necessary to make a smooth dough. Place the dough in a large greased bowl, and turn so the greased side is up. Cover with a damp cloth and allow to rise in a warm place until it doubles in bulk, about 1 hour. Punch the dough down and divide it into six equal parts. Roll each piece into a strip 12 inches long. Pinch three strips together and braid them. Cover the loaves and let rise until doubled. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Brush each loaf with the egg wash and sprinkle with the seeds, if desired. Bake bread for 30 minutes, or until the bottom of a loaf sounds hollow when thumped.
òh hT;a' ËWrB; µl;/[h; Ël,m, Wnyqeeløa‘ wyt;wOx]miB] Wnv;D“qi rv,a} ≥hL;j' vyrIp]h'l] WnW:xiw“
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheynu melech ha’olam asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hafrish challah. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Ruler of the universe, who has made us holy with mitzvot and commanded us to separate challah. Some Jews today burn a piece of dough as a remembrance of the destruction of the Temple, a parallel to the breaking of a glass in the wedding ceremony.
BASIC THREE-STRAND BRAID 1
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C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E
Friday Night Shabbat Dinner Hamotzi: The Blessing Over Bread
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It is traditional for the blessing over bread to be followed by the first piece of challah being salted (see explanation below) and then the challah is passed, each person breaking off a piece. Other families let the person saying the blessing cut the bread and pass it. Since knives are often used for war, which can end life, some think it is inappropriate for them to be on the table with bread, which prolongs life. With your children you can decide if your family will tear or cut the challah, starting your own Shabbat traditions. While it is traditional for the challah to remain whole before the blessing, some families with young children pass the challah prior to the blessing so that everyone can recite the blessing over his or her own piece of bread. This is especially popular with hungry children.
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ith the demands of a new baby, you may feel lucky to have the time to buy one challah—or any bread—rather than baking two loaves for a traditional Shabbat meal. Don’t let the lack of challah stop you from trying the blessing over bread. Challah is sold in most grocery stores. You can freeze loaves so you always have one available for Shabbat. Once your baby does begin to eat solid food, challah will soon become one of her favorites because it is soft and sweet. Blessing and eating the challah has its place in the traditional order of Shabbat. In the last issue of Apples & Honey, we featured the lighting of candles that ushers in the Sabbath. This is followed by a special blessing over children (see the next issue for this one), and the kiddush or the blessing over wine. Then the challah is blessed. The two loaves of challah are usually covered with a plain or decorative cloth until the blessing is said. The challah is blessed with this simple prayer, called the Hamotzi (this is the same blessing that is customarily said before every meal):
Tearing or cutting the challah: it’s up to you
òh hT;a' ËWrB; µl;/[h; Ël,m, Wnyqeeløa‘ ≥≈r<a;h; ˆmi µj,l, ayxi/Mh'
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheynu melech ha’olam hamotzi lechem min ha’aretz. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, who brings forth bread from the earth.
Why do we salt the challah? The custom of sprinkling salt over the challah before eating it originates from the use of salt by the ancient priests for offerings to God in the Temple in Jerusalem. This is a reminder that the Jewish home is a holy place, a small sanctuary, and the Shabbat table a symbolic altar, a substitute for the Temple altar. Some say the salt also represents tears shed in sadness for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Another Shabbat ritual reminds us of the ancient link to the Temple priests. Before blessing the bread there is the custom of washing the hands as did the priests prior to performing their duties in the Temple. 5 ▼
MIDRASH
“Whatever was created during the six days of creation needs further doing. Mustard needs sweetening, lupines need sweetening, wheat needs grinding, even man needs finishing.” Book of Legends 577:19
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hen the world was created, God made everything a little bit incomplete, including bread. Before we can eat wheat, it needs to be harvested, ground, mixed with other ingredients, and finally baked. By making it necessary for us to make bread, God makes us part of creation.
TIMELINE
C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E
Friday Night Shabbat Dinner
YOUR BABY’S DEVELOPMENT
May get first tooth
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Can see in color and focus his eyes to varying distances
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Is beginning to control hands and fingers and can get them to do what she wants them to do
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May sit up with support
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t is a Shabbat tradition to cover the challah with a decorative cover. There are several explanations about why the challah is covered. Some say that the challah cover represents the dew that covered the manna, the food that fed the ancient Israelites in the desert. Another explanation certain to capture the imagination of your children is that the challah is covered so it won’t be embarrassed or jealous when the blessings are recited first over the candles and then the wine (the kiddush). This is a reminder of the importance of concern and sensitivity for the feelings of others. You can make your own challah cover, or have your children make one; they are always thrilled to have the family use the challah cover they made themselves. Start with a piece of white cloth large enough to cover two loaves of challah. You can sew the edges or cut them with pinking shears and fringe the edges. Here are some ideas for decorating the cover: find some colorful fabric and cut out the word Shabbat in Hebrew (tB'v) or English. Glue the letters to the cover. Then cut out symbols of
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4 MONTHS • May roll over by herself
The Challah Cover
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Babies develop at different rates. Here’s a general idea of what to expect during your baby’s next few months.
5 MONTHS • Sits well with support
Makes a wide variety of sounds—some may be imitations of what he hears
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Complains when a favorite toy is taken away
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May be able to cross the crib by kicking and wriggling
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Can hold bottle with both hands
6 MONTHS
Rolls from stomach to back and back again
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May sit alone, but needs to be placed in that position
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Can move an object from hand to hand
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Things you can do to promote your child’s development during these months: • Play peekaboo •
Hold your baby while you dance and sing
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Look in the mirror with baby and name his body parts
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Shabbat, such as candlesticks, a kiddush cup, flowers, and fruit, and decorate the rest of the cover. You can use fabric paints and sequins to decorate your cover with Shabbat themes. You can also make the cover from white felt and cut out felt shapes from other colors to make decorations. Of course, you can always add paint, beads, embroidery, antique lace and other design elements as well. If you want to make a challah cover with children, make one with crayons. Have children color in their designs. Then place a piece of heavy paper or a brown paper bag over the crayoned designs and iron lightly, until the crayon is set. Those who are handy may want to needlepoint or crochet a challah cover. These can be as elaborate or simple as you wish.
Challah: a Symbol of Manna from The Exodus
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he tradition of challah harks back to the days of the ancient Israelites in Egypt. As they walked to freedom from slavery, God provided the Jews with manna for food, which rained down from the heavens. The Jews collected the manna, which only lasted for one day. On Fridays, the people gathered enough manna for two days, 6 ▼
since the next day was the Sabbath, a day of rest (see Exodus 16:22-30). Challah is a symbol of that manna. We serve two loaves on Shabbat in remembrance of the double portion of manna collected in the desert on Friday. The sesame and poppy seeds we sprinkle on challah are also symbols of manna.
INTERFAITH PARENTS FORUM Making the Grandparent Connection
honesty, and integrity of the communication between you and your partner that is of the utmost importance…. Be open with yourself, your spouse, your parents By Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben and in-laws. There is nothing wrong with using them for n most instances grandparents surrogate religion, as long as you are more than delighted to be let them know that’s what you are involved in the lives of their doing. Give them the respect, children and grandchildren in any freedom, and opportunity to be a way that they can. Particularly part of your religious family when it comes to teaching grandplanning experience. Who knows, children their own religious they may even have some good heritage and customs, grandparents ideas and suggestions that will have a tendency of seeing make you both feel better this as their natural area of about what you are doing…. expertise. Surrogate religious training In most instances grandparents are It creates a smooth, is one of the most construcmore than delighted to be involved in tive uses that interfaith tension-free way of resolving potential conflicts over what couples make of their the lives of their children to celebrate, where, and with parents. I have noticed from and grandchildren whom when couples can my own discussions, interdivide the religious celebrain any way that views, and observations that tions so neatly and easily into the vast majority of the time they can. “your side” and “my side.” grandparents are delighted to Providing “surrogate be used in this way. It helps religion,” as I like to call it, give them a sense of has become one of the most purpose and makes them important roles that grandpartners in the raising of parents can play in an interyour children. Providing faith family structure. No one surrogate religion can be a lives in a vacuum. Every source of great joy, satisfacinterfaith family is made up tion, and meaning for the of an extended family grandparents, and they are structure that includes brothers, When that happens, you are usually extremely pleased to be sisters, cousins, parents, and grandasking for trouble. Anytime there is asked. parents representing different secrecy, manipulation, subterfuge, religions and cultures. or deceit in a relationship, you are Reprinted with permission from Making The most effective, tension-free undermining the foundation of Interfaith Marriage Work. Rocklin, CA: use of this extended family is often your lives together. In addition, Prima Publishing, 1994. found to be in this important area you are teaching your children by Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D. is an of surrogate religion. When grandyour example that the proper way author, lecturer, and educator who is parents are willing to serve as to behave within a loving relationwidely known for his work over the past religious role models for their ship is to lie or subtly deceive your 15 years writing for and counseling grandchildren, without placing partner. I don’t suggest this as a interfaith families. undue religious demands on the positive act of role modeling for parents themselves, it is often your children. greeted with a great sense of relief As with every aspect of your and gratitude. marriage, it is the openness,
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As grandparents became surrogate religious role models, they take on the task of passing down religious values, symbols, rituals, and history that the parents feel constrained from doing themselves. At times this occurs openly, with the clear assent and blessing of the parents. At other times, it comes across almost as subterfuge on the part of one parent, an attempt to subtly expose the children to more of their particular religion than they had agreed upon in the first place.
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Resources FOR NEW PARENTS
Books…
Apples & HoneyTM is a publication of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center, 350 South Dahlia Street, Denver, CO 80246. The purpose of Apples & Honey is to serve as an educational publication and outreach tool for expectant and new parents interested in learning about how to create a Jewish home. Lisa Farber Miller, Editor Sandra Widener, Managing Editor Hal Aqua, Design and Illustration Tamra L. Dollin, Judaic Consultant Bernice Tarlie, Bibliographer Dr. Jessica Pearson, Evaluation Consultant Risa Towbin Aqua, Calligraphy
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Sha bba t Sha lom! Y oung Chi ldr en a nd T hei r P a r ents Celebr a ti ng T ogether on F r i da y N i ght by Lyndall Miller. New York: United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism. This family education guide includes a schedule for Shabbat preparation, thinking of others on Shabbat, the rituals, table activities, songs and stories, recipes and menus, and resources.
Central Conference of American Rabbis, 1989. A child’s first prayerbook describing prayer as talking to God and about God with gentle, magical pastel illustrations.
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Songs and lullabies…
L ulla b i es a nd Qui et T i me by Myrna Cohen. Includes Hebrew, Yiddish and English songs with lullabies on one side and songs for quiet time or play on the other.
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Shabbat: A Family Service by Judith Z. Abrams. Rockville, MD: Kar-Ben, 1991. Simple, poetic language and colorful illustrations bring to life the structure and content of the service which includes the prayers and blessings, songs, and a short Havdalah service. A charming step-by-step approach.
My F i r st J ewi sh Wor d Book by Roz Schanzer. Rockville, MD: Kar-Ben, 1992. A delightful, informative book using an array of animals to introduce toddlers to vocabulary and images basic to Jewish and everyday life. Glossary for parents.
And for tots…
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Ga tes of Wonder : A P r a yer book f or Ver y Y oung Chi ldr en by Robert Orkand, Joyce Orkand, and Howard J. Bogot. New York:
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Aleph Bet Boogie by Rabbi Joe Black. A fun-filled swinging children’s favorite.
Clap Your Hands by Robin Helzner. A variety of catchy English, Hebrew and Yiddish songs.
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Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center 350 South Dahlia Street Denver, CO 80246 LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE FOR PARENTS OF 7 TO 9 MONTH OLD CHILDREN Featuring: • Your Child’s First Jewish Teacher: You! • Celebrating Shabbat: Blessings over the Children • The Traits of a Healthy Family • The Importance of Rituals
Editorial Advisory Board Rabbi Daniel Goldberger, Dr. Ed Goldson, Rabbi David Nelson, Rabbi Raymond Zwerin
Individual subscriptions and bulk orders of newsletters are available by calling 303-3992660. There are 16 issues of Apples & Honey: prenatal issue; newborn to 3 months; 4–6 months; 7–9 months; 10–12 months; 12–18 months; 18–24 months; 2–2 1/2 years; 2 1/2–3 years; 3–3 1/2 years; 3 1/2–4 years; 4–4 1/2 years; 4 1/2–5 years; Fall Holidays (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot); Spring Holidays (Purim and Passover); and Winter Holidays (Chanukah and Tu B’Shevat). Apples & Honey was made possible by funds granted by The Covenant Foundation. The statements made and the views expressed, however, are solely the responsibility of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. © Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. No portion of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center.
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