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CREATE A JEWISH HOME
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HELPING PARENTS
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VOLUME ONE, NUMBER TEN
AGES 3
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3 1/2 YEARS
How Can You Raise a Moral Child? THE BASIC VALUES OF JUDAISM
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There are myriad ways to think about Jewish values, but among the core principles that tradition teaches Jews to value are compassion, honesty, respect for human dignity and love of fellow human beings, community-mindedness based on justice and righteousness, a love of Torah and education, and a love of God. The sacred-
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very parent wants to raise children who are ethical, who understand right from wrong, who tell the truth, who respect themselves and others. Discussing values today sets off alarm bells, of course. Whose values? And who is to teach them? The truth is that while the debate over what happens at school may be important, what happens at home is what children internalize, and what they shape their lives by. If that charge sounds daunting, you at least have one advantage in beginning this task: a comprehensive set of guidelines for ethical living that has survived for thousands of years. This set of guidelines is the basis for being Jewish, and still serves to help us turn our children into mensches—good, decent, honorable people who make the world a better place.
From Children’s Letters to God: The New Collection. Copyright ©1991 by Stuart Hample and Eric Marshall. Reprinted by permission of Workman Publishing.
WHAT’S INSIDE
Finding Your Jewish Roots pages 2 and 3
Celebrating Shabbat: Tzedakah pages 4 and 5 Activity: Making a Tzedakah Box page 5
Moses and the Ten Commandments by Shari Lewis page 6 Developmental Timeline page 6
A PUBLICATION
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ness of life and the importance of serving as a spiritual example to others are also key Jewish values. In shorthand, the Jewish value system is embodied in what the famous sage Hillel once said: “Do not do to your neighbor what is hateful to you. That is the whole Torah. The rest is commentary. Now go learn.” Parents can begin by following Hillel’s saying in their dealings with their children. Children are often smarter than we think. If we don’t treat them with respect, as worthy people who deserve attention, they get the message. There’s another way of thinking about this: the concept that all people are created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:2728) When you treat your child as a unique part of God’s creation, it gives the child a feeling of self-worth. If you consider your children as part of a larger spiritual universe, you—and they—will feel they are inherently worthy of respect. The same goes for other people in our lives, from aunts to babysitters. It is hard to dismiss, to make fun of, or to disregard someone if you consider (C O N T I N U E D O N P A G E 7)
ROBERT E. LOUP JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER
Your Jewish Roots…
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you fit into the family of Jews around the world. Start close to home. Write down what you know, beginning with your parents and grandparents, and whatever you know beyond that. Family albums and pictures are often extremely helpful for this—the faded handwriting on the backs of yellowed photographs may turn out to be a treasure trove of information. Next, interview your parents and grandparents. You could take notes while they reminisce, but another idea is to tape record your conversation or, even better, videotape it. Those are the kind of captured memories you’ll long for when the people who recorded them are no longer alive. While you’re gathering basic information about parents, grandparents, and assorted relatives such as birth, death, children, and where they lived, get some of the details, too. Ask them to remember what jobs they had, what they ate, what their homes looked like, what they did for fun, what Shabbat was like for them, and how they celebrated Jewish holidays. It’s in those details that family histories live.
Fa m i l y Tr e e s from the Roots
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ust as there are a variety of ways to gather information, there are many ways to display what you learn.
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f part of being Jewish is forging your own Jewish identity, just as important is rediscovering your link to generations of Jews in this country and in countries around the world. The ancient blessings and beliefs that color our lives also enriched the lives of Jews who came before us. Finding your place in this complex tapestry can be a rewarding, surprising, and enlightening experience. Sadly, we are often most aware of the importance of our roots only when we are uprooted. Jewish roots have been a critical part of Jewish identity ever since the exile of the Jews in Biblical times, when Jews were torn from their homes and banished from Israel with the destruction of the first Temple in 586 B.C.E. A connection with the past was even more painfully lost in World War II, when so many million Jewish families died in Europe. There are many ways to find your family’s Jewish roots. It’s almost always a fascinating process. You may discover that assumptions you held about your family aren’t true—but regardless, you will learn more about who you are, and how
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• You can create a videotape by putting together your favorite parts of different interviews with family members, and even include title frames and zero in on photographs you talk about. • You can make a family tree that includes photos where possible.
• You can keep all the information you learn in a large photo album that has as many stories as pictures. • You can put a distinctly Jewish twist on the family tree by hiring a specialist in Hebrew calligraphy to create a piece of art that includes everyone’s Hebrew name as well as their secular names.
And Where to Find Them
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✔ The United States National Archives in Washington, D.C. has records such as ship passenger lists, people who served in the military, and information about people who got land grants from the U.S. You can write to request these records; ask your local librarian how.
✔ Many local libraries have extensive genealogical sections. These may include an index of obituaries from the local paper.
✔ The American Jewish Historical Society is another good source for history hunters. Its address is 2 Thornton Road, Waltham, MA 02154.
Jewish Genealogical Societies is at P.O. Box 900, Teaneck, NJ 07666. It can tell you if there are societies in areas where your ancestors may have lived. The group publishes Avotaynu, a magazine devoted to Jewish genealogy.
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here are many sources for genealogical information; many books have been written about the subject. There are other ways to find information, too, such as writing to or visiting some of the organizations below. If you are writing, remember to enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope. That will better your chances of getting a response, and help defray the expenses of some of these nonprofit organizations. ✔ The towns where people lived and died keep records of births, deaths, and marriages in the Bureaus of Vital Records; local cemeteries have also been a long-used source for family history hunters.
✔ Check to see if your community has a Jewish genealogical society. The Association of
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✔ The U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service keeps records of those who came to this country.
✔ The American Jewish Archives in Cincinnati, Ohio, has a large collection of documents that record Jews’ history in the U.S. before 1900. Its librarians can tell you if there are documents from a specific Jewish community. The address is 3101 Clifton Ave., Cincinnati, OH 45220.
Jews by Choice
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ou may have no Jewish roots to find for the simple reason that you were not born Jewish. That does not mean you have no Jewish identity or memory. One of the goals of the conversion process is for the convert gradually, almost by osmosis, to adopt the communal memory of the Jewish people and to create a Jewish identity that internalizes the people’s history. This is a slow process, not unlike the process of becoming emotionally invested in a newly adopted child, or that of buying into the family memories and stories of
your spouse’s family of origin. It does not happen automatically or magically on the occasion of the conversion ritual, or on any other single occasion. But over the course of time, through continued identification with the Jewish people and participation in its rituals, celebrations, sorrows and joys, the convert eventually comes to feel nothing strange or even mildly uncomfortable about saying, “We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt,” or “Our God and God of our ancestors.”
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✔ The computer of Beit Hatefutzot at the Diaspora Museum in Ramat Aviv, Tel Aviv, Israel, has extensive records of Jewish families. ✔ One great source for many different kinds of genealogical records is the Mormon Church’s records in Salt Lake City. ✔ Arthur Kurzweil’s book From Generation to Generation—How to Trace Your Jewish Genealogy and Personal History is an inspiring how-to book. Kurzweil has also co-authored a book called Encyclopedia of Jewish Genealogy, Vol. 1, which describes a vast number of sources for finding Jewish ancestors.
C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E
Tzedakah “And Rabbi Eleazar said, He who executes charity and justice is regarded as though he had filled the world with kindness.” (Talmud:Sukkah 49b)
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Making Tzedakah Part of the Sabbath Ritual
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If you want your children to learn to give, and to understand the importance of tzedakah in Jewish life, it’s never too early to start. A perfect way to do this is to make giving tzedakah part of your Friday preparations for Shabbat. That way, giving becomes as natural a part of life as lighting Shabbat candles and eating challah. Many Jews make tzedakah part of the Shabbat ritual just before lighting the Sabbath candles. Start a family tradition of placing a special tzedakah box on the table next to the candlesticks. Many families have family pushkes (Yiddish for charity box), or
Tzedakah: What Does It Mean?
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tzedakah boxes, they use to collect money for tzedakah. By letting your child drop the coins in the box, you underscore the importance of giving. Here is a brief prayer that can be said while your child places the coins in the box (from On the Doorposts of Your House, edited by Chaim Stern).
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n Judaism, tzedakah isn’t just a nice thing to do. It’s a mitzvah or commandment that is incumbent upon Jews, an aspect of what it means to be Jewish and part of a holy people. Tzedakah is not only for those who deserve it, or something you do because you’re feeling generous. Regardless of how you feel, you do tzedakah because it is the right thing, and a commandment. How important is giving tzedakah considered to be? It is said to be as important as all the other commandments or mitzvot put together. Jewish law instructs everyone, including the poor, to give—even if they turn right around and give away the charity they just received from others. While that sounds silly, it reaffirms something the sages well understood: every time you give tzedakah, you reaffirm your own worth and humanity. The principle of tzedakah, by the way, is complemented by the
Jewish concept of gemilut hasadim, the Hebrew term for deeds of loving kindness. Gemilut hasadim are most often considered personal expressions of concern, from visiting the sick to volunteering at a homeless shelter. The sages wrote that while gemilut hasadim could be given to anyone in need, rich or poor, tzedakah is material help— most often money given to the needy.
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he word tzedakah is difficult to translate precisely. Many use the word charity, but that is from the Latin word caritas, meaning love or dearness, whereas tzedakah is a religious duty. Similarly, the word philanthropy is from two Greek words meaning “love of man.” The Hebrew root of tzedakah means justice and righteousness. Tzedakah
is not something one does out of the goodness of one’s heart, but rather out of one’s sense of responsibility toward God and toward one’s fellow human beings.” —from Teaching Mitzvot: Concepts, Values and Activities by Barbara Binder Kadden and Bruce Kadden (A.R.E. Publishing, Inc., Denver)
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We hereby vow to fulfill the Mitzvah of Tzedakah as we begin the Sabbath day. We remember the words of Your prophet, who called us to share our bread with the hungry, to clothe the naked, and never to hide ourselves from our own kin. May we, together with the whole House of Israel, be mindful of the needs of others, sharing with them the fruits of our labor and helping to sustain them, so that the promise may be fulfilled: Then your light shall blaze forth like the dawn, and your wounds shall quickly heal; your righteousness shall walk before you, the glory of the Eternal One shall follow you.
Shabbat can be not only a time for giving tzedakah, but for deciding who should receive it. Some families decide together where the money will go, either on a monthly or yearly basis. It’s a practice that not only brings the topic to mind, but also helps everyone in the family think about the many needs of people in the world, from those in your own community (part of the tradition says that the needs of the community take precedence in giving tzedakah) to those who are desperate in other parts of the world. Tzedakah can and should extend beyond Fridays. Start a family tradition of putting coins in your tzedakah box on birthdays, anniversaries, and other special or significant times.
C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E
MIDRASH
The Eight Levels
Happy are they who do charity at all times. Psalms 106:3
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he famous twelfth-century Jewish scholar Moses ben Maimon, also known as Maimonides, who organized and interpreted the laws of the Torah so people could follow them, created a hierarchy of giving. Number 8 is considered the highest level of tzedakah.
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story is told about a teacher who found a precious stone. One day he opened his bag to share some provisions with a stranger who saw the gem. The stranger asked the teacher if he could have the gem. The teacher readily gave it to him. The stranger ran off overjoyed with his new-found wealth, a fortune that assured him security for the rest of his life. However, a few days later, he came back in search of the teacher, found him, and gave him back the gem. “Please, dear Sir, I entreat you to share with me something much more precious that this stone. Give me that which enabled you to give this gem to me in the first place.”
1. The person who gives grudgingly after being asked.
2. The person who gives wholeheartedly, but less than he or she should. 3. The person who gives what he or she should give, but only after being asked. 4. The person who gives what is needed before being asked.
5. The person who gives without knowing to whom he or she gives, although the person accepting the charity knows who the donor is.
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6. The person who gives anonymously, knowing where the money is going. 7. The person who gives anonymously, and doesn’t know where the money is going. 8. The person who helps the one in need become self sufficient, by giving him or her a job or the means to get one.
—as told by Rabbi Raymond Zwerin, Temple Sinai, Denver, Colorado
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Activity: Make a Tzedakah Box
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ne way to make tzedakah real for children is to give them a sense of ownership in creating a tzedakah box. The possibilities for this are endless: a tzedakah box is really nothing more than a special savings bank, and it can be as elaborate or simple as your children’s attention span (and your patience) dictate. Here are a few ideas.
1. Use a coffee can with a plastic lid, an oatmeal box, a shoe box, or a plastic tennis ball canister. 2. Cut a slit in the lid. 3. What you do from here is governed by imagination, what you have on hand, and how much time you want to devote to this project. You can: • Cover the pushke (tzedakah box) with construction paper or paint it. • Decorate it with Jewish symbols 5 ▼
cut from wrapping paper, foil, construction paper. • Paint on the symbols, or use a stencil. • Sprinkle on sequins or glitter. • Cut out symbols from Judaica catalogs or magazines and decoupage them on. You do this with thin white glue, first pasting the pictures to the container, and then brushing several layers of glue over the top, allowing each layer to dry first.
TIMELINE
One-Minute Bible Stories from Shari Lewis
3 TO 31/2 YEARS: WHAT YOUR CHILD DOES Social Development • Begins to be comfortable with his identity: uses “I” with assurance
Moses and the Ten Commandments
• Enjoys playing with friends
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• May have an imaginary companion Intellectual Development
• Carries on a real conversation with you • Acts less on impulse
• Understands that objects are not alive; thinks an outside force is behind actions of the natural world: for example, she may wonder who causes weather Physical Development
• Begins to understand and like the idea of dancing • Probably will be able to ride a tricycle
• Will begin to draw stick people and can copy a circle
WHAT YOU CAN DO
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Social Development
oses climbed to the top of a mountain called Sinai to have a word with God, who reminded Moses that He’d brought the Israelites out of Egypt and looked after them. “I like you people,” said God. “If you’ll follow my rules, I’ll see that no harm comes to you.” Then God spoke like thunder. “Here are two stone tablets with my Ten Commandments carved on them,” said God. “Number One, you have to remember that I’m the only real God there is. Two, don’t make any statues or pictures of false gods and bow down to them or I’ll be angry. Three, do not take my name in vain. Four, the seventh day of the week is for resting, so don’t work on that day. Take it easy, think about things. Five, always pay attention to your mother and father. Six, Seven, and Eight, never kill anybody, don’t commit adultery, and please stop taking things that aren’t yours. Nine, be fair and truthful with friends and neighbors. Ten, don’t be jealous of what other people have . . . be happy with what you’ve got.” Moses took the stone tablets down from the mountain and explained to the people what was written on them, and the Israelites promised to obey God’s Ten Commandments forever.
• Enjoy this time of growing selfawareness (which is usually accompanied by more tractability) • Provide regular playmates for your child
• Let your child know you know her imaginary friend is not real, but there’s nothing wrong with pretending Intellectual Development
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• Introduce your child to new words and more complex sentence constructions
• Help your child learn to reason through problems • Begin to explain the natural world to your child Physical Development
• Put on music and dance with your child • Help your child learn how to ride a trike • Display your child’s artwork; it’s important to her
From One-Minute Bible Stories–Old Testament by Shari Lewis. Copyright © 1986 by Shari Lewis. Used by permission of Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.
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How Can You Raise a Moral Child?
Golden Rules
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sive numbers of Jews who have done just that: although only three percent of the population of the United States is Jewish, Jews have (CON T I N U E D F ROM P AGE 1) won 27 percent of the Nobel Prizes him or her made in the image of awarded to American scientists. God. Jews have been responsible for a With children, disrespect too disproportionate number of discovoften makes itself felt as we find eries that have helped the world, ourselves brushing aside a child’s from finding a vaccine for polio to concerns, asking for his or her developing chemotherapy. There is opinions and then ignoring them. also an unusually high number of Having a set of ethical standards Jews in the helping professions, begins with the way especially therapists you feel about yourself, and social workers. It’s and a child who is not out of line to taught that he or she is suggest that this proud The not respected is heritage comes in part beginning on shaky bottom from that ancient comground. On the other mandment to make the line hand, a child who world better. thinks well of himself The bottom line for for teaching or herself, who feels teaching values always valued, is more likely to comes back to the values understand how to parents. It’s a frightenalways translate that feeling to ing thought, really—at the way he or she treats this age of your child’s comes back others. Children may life, you represent most to the not be able to underof what your child stand Hillel’s words as knows of the world. parents. he spoke them, but The pressure of being they can understand perfectly honest, the concept when you respectful, civicask this: “Would you minded, responsible, like it if someone did that to you?” spiritual, compassionate, and That, a child can imagine and act mature can seem overwhelming. on. None of us is all of that. But we can Many of these ethical princitake comfort in the knowledge that ples, of course, are found in children are always ready to religions around the world. What forgive, and that we can always ask makes Jewish values any different? for that forgiveness. Don’t be afraid One difference is the principle of to apologize for behavior that could tikun olam. Literally translated, it have been better, and ask for formeans “fixing the world.” Jews giveness. That, too, has its place in believe that one of their primary educating a child: knowing that responsibilities is not just to live parents aren’t perfect, and need forethically, but to reach out and help giveness, helps children understand cure the troubles of the world—to that their errors aren’t fatal, either. bring peace, to comfort the sick, to Following these ethical precepts is make the world a better place. As never easy. It’s in the trying that Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben suggests we, and our children, develop into in Raising Jewish Children in a Conmensches. temporary World, the principle of tikun olam may explain the impres7 ▼
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ayne Dosick, a rabbi from California, has written a book entitled Golden Rules: The Ten Ethical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children. It’s a gentle, thought-provoking guide to raising ethical children, with short stories to read to children and nuggets of wisdom from Dosick’s experiences. Although it was written as a guide for children of any faith, Dosick’s Jewish orientation makes this book particularly useful for Jews. From Dosick’s perspective, the ten most important ethical values are these:
1 respect 2 honesty 3 fairness 4 responsibility 5 compassion 6 gratitude 7 friendship 8 peace 9 maturity 10 faith
Resources FOR PARENTS P a r tner s by Deborah Shayne Syme. New York: UAHC, 1990. Two little boys plan to become two of God’s littlest partners in making the world a better place. Great for introducing the concepts of tzedakah and tikkun olam.
Books…
Apples & HoneyTM is a publication of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center, 350 South Dahlia Street, Denver, CO 80246. The purpose of Apples & Honey is to serve as an educational publication and outreach tool for expectant and new parents interested in learning about how to create a Jewish home.
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Ra i si ng Y our Chi ld T o Be A Mensch by Neil Kurshan. New York: Atheneum, 1987. Invaluable guide for parents concerned not only with what their children will achieve but what sort of people they will become.
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Children of Character: A Parent’s Guide by Steven Carr Reuben. Santa Monica, CA: Canter & Associates, 1997. Offers simple, concrete guidelines in 10 key steps for raising ethical, compassionate children in a challenging world.
And for children: Books…
My J ewi sh Di scover y by Craig Taubman is a collection of songs and activities celebrating the richness and beauty of Jewish culture.
Computer software…
My H ebr ew Color i ng Book. Torah Education Software (TES) for PCs. This lively interactive program features painting, music and animation plus vocabulary in Hebrew and English.
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The Very Best Place for a Penny by Dina Herman Rosenfeld. Brooklyn, NY: Merkos L’inyonei Chinuch, 1984. Lively story of the misadventures of a penny which finds itself in the most unusual places and ends up in the most appropriate place—the tzedakah box.
Music…
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Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center 350 South Dahlia Street Denver, CO 80246
LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE FOR PARENTS OF 3 1/2 TO 4 YEAR OLD CHILDREN Featuring: • Questions Your Child Asks About God • Making Shabbat Conversation Count • From Sephardim to Ashkenazim: an Overview
Lisa Farber Miller, Editor Sandra Widener, Managing Editor Hal Aqua, Design and Illustration Tamra L. Dollin, Judaic Consultant Bernice Tarlie, Bibliographer Dr. Jessica Pearson, Evaluation Consultant Risa Towbin Aqua, Calligraphy
Editorial Advisory Board Rabbi Daniel Goldberger, Dr. Ed Goldson, Rabbi David Nelson, Rabbi Raymond Zwerin
Individual subscriptions and bulk orders of newsletters are available by calling 303-3992660. There are 16 issues of Apples & Honey: prenatal issue; newborn to 3 months; 4–6 months; 7–9 months; 10–12 months; 12–18 months; 18–24 months; 2–2 1/2 years; 2 1/2–3 years; 3–3 1/2 years; 3 1/2–4 years; 4–4 1/2 years; 4 1/2–5 years; Fall Holidays (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot); Spring Holidays (Purim and Passover); and Winter Holidays (Chanukah and Tu B’Shevat). Apples & Honey was made possible by funds granted by The Covenant Foundation. The statements made and the views expressed, however, are solely the responsibility of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. © Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. No portion of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center.