The Cougar NOT M onocle August 3098
JACK M. BARRACK HEBREW ACADEMY
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Operation: Ski Trip
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Tea cher Fight s
When t est ca l enda r r ight s a r e t hr ea t ened, t he gl oves come off. St a l in Rudol er
The Hebr ew Depa r t ment fight is a cl ose ca l l . Ma ya Rosenber g uses her Mossa d t r a ining t o knock out Mor a h Ricky a nd Mir ia m, but is t oo dist r a ct ed by Hedva ?s popul a r it y t o not ice Angel a ?s high heel fl ying t hr ough t he a ir . Let ?s j ust sa y, Angel a wa s a shoe-in.
Toda y, JBHA?s t ea cher s wil l fight it out for a cer a mic mug embl a z oned wit h t he wor ds ?BEST TEACHER EVER? t o put on t heir desk. Refer eed by t he Cor e t ea cher s, a nd host ed by La r r y a nd Na im, it is t he event of t he sea son. The winner wil l be t he envy of a l l who l a y eyes on t he st unning r ecept a cl e. Pl us t hey?ll ha ve a nice cup. Fir st up in t he r ing, JBHA?s feist iest a nd cl osest knit compet it ion. Known for t heir Rosie t he Rivet er t oughness in r equir ing Pr ima r y Sour ce document s? t he Hist or y Depa r t ment ! In one cor ner , we ha ve Dr . Z iskind. t he t hr ee l a dies hop int o t he Nea r by, cheer ing her on wit h r ing, a r med wit h fa ct s a bout ?My Ol d Kent ucky Home,? PAC a ncient Rome. Dr . Z iskind whips out her const it ut ion (she never l ea ves home wit hout it ) inst a nt l y fr eez ing t he ot her t ea cher s a s t hey scr a mbl e for t heir own copies, a nd sna gs a win.
They a l l r ecit e digit s of pi t o wa r m up a nd a ccuse one a not her of being ir r a t iona l , obt use, a nd not r ea l .
a nd WAC duke it out for her a ffect ions. In t he second cor ner , Ivy Ka pl a n is l ivid. Mr s. Ta ichma n coul d not ma ke it a s she is on her fa r m in Wisconsin, pr oba bl y doing yoga . Mr s. Scheinma nn t a kes t he t hir d cor ner , a nd is hur r iedl y gr a ding Gov t est s but is r ea dy t o t a ke on t he compet it ion wit h her Mock Tr ia l power s of per sua sion. The bel l r ings t o st a r t t he ma t ch, a nd
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Next t o ent er t he r ing: Los Ra bbis. Inst ea d of fight ing, t hey al l ga t her a r ound Ra bbi Rosenber g t o gossip (NOT LASHON HARA) a bout his enga gement . No winner is decl a r ed, a nd Ms. La wr ence hops int o t he r ing t o cha t wit h her quiz z o best ie. Spea king of Ms. La wr ence, you know it : t he Engl ish Depa r t ment is up. In a n a l a r ming l a ck of fight r ing decor um, Mr . McLa ughl in, Ms. La wr ence, a nd Mr s. Ander son a l l bow down t o Rit a Schuma n a nd quest ion t he exist ent ia l va l ue of being t her e in t he fir st pl a ce.
pi t o wa r m up a nd t hen t hey a ccuse one a not her of being ir r a t iona l , obt use, a nd not r ea l . As t hey begin t o cir cl e t he r ing, Mr . Gor ml ey dr ops a bea t , a nd it a ppea r s a s t hough Mr s. Siney is ga ining t he upper ha nd by confusing t he ot her t ea cher s wit h her a ccent . As t hey t r y t o decipher her wor ds, a nd why she t hinks t he squa r e r oot of four is nega t ive t wo, t he r oom suddenl y goes da r k. A spot l ight shines fr om over hea d, a nd Yoda , AKA Mr s. Geft er , sl o- mo wa l ks up t o Mr s. St r ick?s side. Toget her , a nd a r med wit h a n Appl e Pencil , t hey a r e unst oppa bl e. The BC Ca l c Bunch scr ea m fr om t he sidel ines, nea r l y pa ssing out . No need t o sa y mor e a bout who won t his r ound, fol ks.
The Wor l d La ngua ges Depa r t ment wa s going t o compet e, but Fr ench disa ppea r ed int o t hin a ir a nd no one ha d t he gut s t o t a ke on Mr . Hofst et t er consider ing his int ense t r a ining in The Ma t h Depa r t ment hops in Gl a dia t or fight ing. next . They a l l r ecit e digit s of
"Do you want to build a snowman?" -- Daniel Spivat
"May the Force be with you." -- Eliot Fitchell
?When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use.? ? Hallie Anderson
STEAM a nd t he Science Depa r t ment ent er a j oint ma t ch t o fight over who get s t o t ea ch Physics. Mr . Sil ver ma de a st r ong st a nd, a nd Mr s. Hel fgot t even offer ed t hem honey a s a br ibe, but Mr . Ma ima n ca me pr epa r ed. He a imed t he l a ser cut t er t owa r ds t he r ing, a nd cha nnel ing Dr . Doofenshmir t z , t hr ea t ened t o z a p t hem (a nd t he t r i- st a t e a r ea ) wit h his t a ke- over t he- second- fl oor - ina t or . They ba cked down. Fina l l y, t he moment you a l l ha ve a l l been wa it ing for : t he fina l s. Dr . Z iskind vs. Rit a Schuma n vs. Mr s. St r ick vs. Angel a vs. Mr . Ma ima n. Hol d on - - a sur pr ise compet it or ! Depa r t ment cha mpions now must t r y t o bea t t he boss -- Dr . Ka t z , whose pr est ige a nd posit ion per mit s him t o j ump st r a ight int o t he fina l s. We?r e in for a good ma t ch. Wit hout t he Union, t hough, t he t ea cher s ca nnot compet e a ga inst Dr . Ka t z , who dr a ma t ica l l y point s t o t he Per iodic Ta bl e a nd excl a ims, ?I?m in my el ement , kids!? He pr ompt l y wins t he ma t ch wit h a ka r a t e kick, a nd he finishes off wit h a r esounding, ?I?ve got bigger fish t o fr y now. DDK out . St op by if you?r e ever in Det r oit ."
This edition has been brought to you by: the STEAM department's enormous budget "Elementary, my dear Watson." -- Dan Paxter