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“I DO KNOW THAT ONCE A PERSON TASTES

A TRUE DISCIPLESHIP GROUP, I HAVE NEVER

KNOWN A SINGLE PERSON TO REGRET JOINING.

NOT ONE.”

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DEVELOPING CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY

By The Very Reverend Kate Moorehead An excerpt from Find It: The Vital Signs of the Spiritual Life to be published by Forward Movement Publications (2022)

“Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am in the midst of them.” ~ Jesus

AT THE HEART OF GOD, THERE IS RELATIONSHIP.

Scripture alludes to the fact that Jesus baptized in the name of three entities: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. These three, called The Trinity, are at the heart of our understanding of God. We believe that God’s essence is love and that in order to love, there must be a relationship not only between us and God, but somehow between God and God and between me and you, too.

We cannot come to know God in total isolation. This is a radical thought, since some of the greatest saints were in essence isolated individuals, such as the Desert Fathers or Dame Julian of Norwich, who shut herself in a room attached to the church and lived her entire life alone. But even these solitary souls had people occasionally come to them for prayer or counsel, and they were aware of, and in a sense in relationship with, the world.

The mind is tricky. It is very hard to battle the insecurities of the mind without a group of friends. My doctor friend says that there is an old saying in medicine: “Never worry alone.” We need one another to become the fullness of who we are called to be, to discern God’s will and to lead healthy lives.

I love to think of the relationship between Jesus and his mother. In the gospel of John, they are at a party together. Jesus has long since reached adulthood and his disciples are with him so he must have begun to teach and preach, but his mom is also at the party. Now that must have been uncomfortable! And when the wine runs out, his mother says these simple words: They have no wine. Now Jesus knew exactly what she meant because he reacts to her. Woman, what have you to do with me? He asks. That translation sounds harsher today than it was meant. Every man called women Woman; don’t ask me

why, but it was not an insult. Jesus is not being harsh necessarily, but he is clearly aggravated. She is pushing him to do a miracle, and he is resisting her. But Jesus does just what she asks. Maybe she gave him that mother look. Maybe she didn’t even have to look. But it was her nudge and her presence in his life at that moment that brought him into the fullness of his ministry in the gospel of John. Now that is the kind of relationship I am talking about, when someone else helps you become who you were meant to be. And here he was the Son of God, and he still needed a nudge!

How much more do we DESPERATELY need one another. And the hardest part of being a parish priest is to know just how profoundly and deeply people could be fed by just talking to each other once a week, but they claim to be too busy or just don’t want to commit. On Sundays, I will look out at the pews and see people sitting close to one another: a set of parents whose adult child committed suicide sitting close to another couple whose adult child also died. And they don’t even know the wounds that they share! They don’t even know how they could care for one another and walk alongside one another if only they discovered each other. But they will tell me that they

don’t have enough time. What could be more important? What could be more worth the time?

I do know that once a person tastes a true discipleship group, I have NEVER known a single person to regret joining. Not one. It is that good. But in order for a small group or discipleship group to truly be a holy relationship, or the other word we use is community, it must have certain specific ingredients.

First of all, any group must be confidential. There can be no gossip or sharing of personal information. This boundary must be upheld, or the group will wound itself. There can be no truly honest sharing or vulnerability without this very important protection. All must agree and maintain this confidentiality.

Secondly, the group must meet regularly at a set time. And all must attend. Attendance has to be a top priority. There cannot be continuity if people do not make this commitment. The time must be protected, stable and sacred. Everyone in the group needs to be able to count on this. This is where temptation rears its ugly head once more. Amidst the busyness of life, our minds will play tricks on us and convince us that getting our hair done or making an appointment at the dentist is more important than our group time. We must be strong and trust that this time is sacrosanct. We must make a covenant with our group members for the group to be a top priority in our lives or it will not work. There is no other option.

The group time must center around God. In other words, it cannot be just about sharing your lives. God must be an integral part of the conversation each week. We must agree to support each other in our life with God. What has God called you to do? What is God saying to you? These are the questions that must be addressed. For more guidance on meetings and structure, the best recommendation that I have is Rev. Christopher Martin’s book, The Restoration Project. For more discussion of the vows, Rev. Martin’s book With Gladness is also a good choice.

Let me make this crystal clear. I do not believe that it is possible to discern God’s will for your life without a group or community to assist you. You simply cannot do this alone. It is impossible. It is like a dog trying to lift itself up by pulling on its tail. You don’t have the perspective or ability to see yourself clearly; it is just the state of

the human being. We need one another. We were meant to live in relationship. Only in relationship can we reflect the image of God, who is relationship.

Groups have such diversity. They can center around reading, formation, study or poetry. They can center around crafts, painting, cooking or exercise. The only important thing is that there is an opportunity for communication about the spiritual life of each individual each week and that there is some kind of prayer involved. Someone can read a prayer, you can pray spontaneously, or just sit in silence, but it is important to pray together.

Small groups are like blind dates. Try each other out. You may not be a good fit, and that is ok. Some groups bond for life. Others meet for a season and then disband and still others are mysteriously like oil and water and simply don’t work. All of that is fine. Just let the Spirit move and follow your instincts. And if a group doesn’t work out, don’t give up. Try again, just like you would try another blind date. You will find your people, or the people that God has chosen to walk with you for a while.

Once a group is up and running, it will take on a life of its own, and you will learn what it means to be in community. In a way, small groups are most like what Jesus experienced with the disciples. Church was originally very small. Twelve and Jesus. So, start there. God is so present there.

I recommend no more than four or five if you plan to meet for one hour once a week. Any more than that, and you will not have adequate time to share and to know one another. Any less than that and you will not experience the breadth of community. Find your sweet spot. And if you get too large, make the decision to split in two. I know that this is hard, but it is essential that each individual have the time and full attention of the group or God’s work cannot be adequately accomplished. Personal gratification or pleasing others must come second to the boundaries of an effective community group setting. Please be firm about this. Have the courage to limit your numbers but do not reject anyone who wants to group with you without giving them another opportunity to meet with others. There

should be no rejection, only redirecting into other groups. God wants all of us to gather.

There may come a time when a person is introduced to a group and that person cannot abide by the rules of confidentiality, or that person simply cannot share appropriately and give others a chance to share. In this case, one of you must take the role of facilitator and address this person’s behavior. If the behavior doesn’t stop, it may be that the person cannot be part of the group. This can be very hard, but no group should sacrifice itself for any one individual, and if one person is dominating every week with personal issues or concerns to the point that others cannot share, that person must be reined in or leave. Jesus speaks very clearly about group dynamics, reconciliation and eventually even departure in the gospels. One individual who cannot behave must not sabotage an entire community. Groups must be protected as one would protect an innocent child. Boundaries and appropriate behavior are necessary for the group to thrive. And just like individuals, groups can become ill and even infectious if the boundaries of confidentiality, sharing and acceptance are not upheld. Remember that we are in a spiritual battle here and sometimes the darkness must be fought head on with the appropriate kinds of facilitation and direction. Do not be afraid to stand up for health and the safety of all members, both psychologically and spiritually.

Remember that Jesus had to walk away from people. He had to say no when people would not listen or let themselves be healed. Jesus tells us how to address issues within a community, and if a person cannot be reasoned with, then they must be sent away. This is not cruelty but simply placing the welfare of the group over any individual. To do otherwise is to sacrifice God’s will for community in order to please or placate one person. This doesn’t help the person or the community. Boundaries are vital for sustaining community. Without them, we become slaves to niceties and the community drowns.

Learning how to be in Christian community is by far the most neglected and forgotten part of the Christian life. Jesus chose to minister alongside his disciples. He did not do this alone. Do not neglect this important part of the spiritual life. The Christian journey is not complete without it.