POBSISLE $1.50 US TUTRH! $500.23 CAN Bringing you humorous little articles since 2008! Wee little articles.
*WRITTEN ENTIRELY BY FERRETS Read on brave warrior! Or slay the dragon. Both are good options.
Hello readers of Possible Truth, Max Jasper can’t come to the phone right now so this issue will be written entirely by ferrets. This issue there will be blah blah blah—the same old stuff that you’ve been hearing about for 3 issues now. I bet it bores you. It bores the “word unacceptable for school distribution” out of me. So yeah. Start submitting things or this magazine will go down the toilet, LITERALLY. Email things to discobear360@hotmail.com. Possible Truth is on Myspace and at Issuu. . Look for it. If the title confused you then let me explain. There was a study that showed that a word can be a complete mess as long as the first and last letters are the same and yuor bairn stlil roecignezs the wrod. Sincerely, The ferrets in Max’s closet: Bob Bill Frank Toothless Jim And Jax Masper
THE STUPID DEAD by William Jasper* *also a ferret
Once upon a time there was a dead person named Jack. He lived on Fifty-Twelve Lane Lane in the suburbs of the underworld. In fact, everyone in the underworld had the same address. Well, let’s just put it this way: they couldn’t blow their nose if their brains were dynamite. Jack was different from other dead people. His brains had not rotted away. Everyone would have thought that this was weird if they were smart enough. Jack lived with his parents (who had been his living parents, also). He lived in a nice house (compared to the rest of the houses in the underworld). The neighborhood he lived in was about as good as any in the underworld, also. He was still not happy, though. No one in the underworld appreciated his intelligence. They didn’t care about his kindness to others, either. They only cared about one thing: their leader. Their leader was the only other zombie whose brain was properly preserved with cola. This was sad, because although smart, he was mean and bossy. He often made terrible decisions such as
forcing families to live together even though
nobody remembered their family from when they were alive. William Jasper was the master’s name. Why he thought of this name, no one knows. He was called this because he couldn’t remember his living name. He was as smart as Jack, if not a little less smart. Well, he was smarter than the other zombie, that’s for sure. The other zombies were about as smart as very dumb goldfish. Jack had always wanted to go to the surface of the world, the world that you and I live on. This was strictly forbidden. The master wanted nobody to ever go up the ladder into the USA. He was scared of what might happen. He thought that the surface people might come and take his land away from him. The ladder to the USA was only a mile away from Jack’s house. Jack had tried before, but that was when the guards still had brains. They had thrown him to the ground every time he attempted the mile long climb up the ladder. Only two miles from his house to the surface, so close! But still so very far. It made him so sad that he started to devise a plan.
End of part one
Now some of Max’s observations and questions 1. @ Its a lowercase anarchy symbol. 2. If there are Big Macs are there Little Macs too? 3. French Fries are not French. 3. Wasn’t it just #3? 4. I am awesome. 5. I am awesome? 6. No one submits articles anymore. 7. Look for Maxxatopolis’s channel on Youtube.
Amazing Scientific Breakthrough By: Toothless Jim Leading scientists at Nestle ™ have proven that diet and exercise don’t help weight loss at all. To be truly fit you should try their new line of Chocolate Jell-O Ham Chunks. It has plenty of high fructose corn syrup, mono sodium glutamate, and natural flavorings such as Kool-aid™ and mold. It’s good for you because you can’t understand half of the words on the stupid package. Feeling thirsty? Try new Cheese Flavored Monster™ Energy Drink. It has the great taste of cheese combined with delicious original ingredients such as cyanide, arsenic, and guano.
Hooray poison!
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that This publication of fine literature is ON THE INTERNET, YAY! It’s on djkghvdksvgsbdvukadsv Go on and search for Possible Truth. I will also be hiding the official web address somewhere in the magazine. It’s on www.issuu.com (you can click on this page even though it’s paper) Or try: http://issuu.com/jasp555/docs/possible_truthissue2 In other news, unless all the forces of the universe intervene to impede my work then I will be a student correspondent at the Rochester Times. That means that I have power to change things. First thing I want to change is the ridiculous dance schedule. 3-5 pm for a Halloween dance. It’s incredible! I’m not completely outraged at anything else at the moment but I’m sure as new rules come into effect I will be able to crank out pages of rants about stupid school regulations.
Amazing ferret! By: Frank Max Jasper and his family have taken up ferret sitting. The ferret’s name is Muriko and I turns out that she is very talented. Here is a poem that she wrote by stepping on the keyboard: ;…………..enkkkkkkkkkk,/////) 7uuuuuuuuu nn brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr999o0,,,,,,,k gf gfvvv390b y szz
uuuuuuuyyy bvvvvvvvvvv677 juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwe33333333333333333 333333333333333333333wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww2`1111224444444444444443 55555555553tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy;ppp That was actually MY poem. You will never see the poem SHE wrote. BWAAAHAHAyoucan’tseeitAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (*actually, she really did write the poem)
Campfire Corner Come over here by me an’ listen to this tale I have to tell. Sit right down here by the fire an’ try noughta be too frightened, I won’ta hurt you little one. You just listen ta my story. Creepy huh, yeah it’s creepy. BOO. See I just knew you were scared. Okay this is the Campfire Corner where I put a wee little scary story and you pretend to read it. Submit one if you want, I’m sick of writing things all by my self.
And Along Came a Madman… By: Bill
There once was a man named Jack. Jack
was thought of as a bad man. People said he would take the life of another just for fun and laugh for hours about the awful and painful way he had killed them. But it wasn’t his fault. He was a nice man but he knew when somebody was about to hurt him. That little girl walking down the dark street, she had stared at him and he knew that any second she would attack; it was selfdefense. He didn’t mean for her to die. That old woman in the park feeding pigeons; he could tell that she meant harm in that malicious way she threw those breadcrumbs like any second she would go mad and kill everybody. He was taking one life to save many. His intentions were always good. He was helping. Then one day somebody figured out who was doing all of this and they sent out policemen to take poor old Jack away. But Jack ran and he hid with you. You’re awfully nice for letting me stay here. You wouldn’t hurt me…. Would you?
EAT CANDY AND DON’T BRUSH YOUR TEETH! If you want to keep your teeth healthy, the most important thing you can do is eat lots of candy and never brush your teeth. Avoid seeing dentists whenever possible. If your parents try to get you to go to a dentist, feign rabies and run into the woods. However, be ready for a chase—adults have been known to chase a rabid child for long periods of time. The best candy to eat is hard, sticky candy that stays on your teeth a long time. Caramel is a good example. In a pinch, fudge or brownies will work. To feign rabies, brush your teeth with whipped cream, run around on all fours, and howl a few times. To be more believable, try biting your baby brother a few times. If you don’t have a younger sibling, attack the family pet. Keep in mind that large dogs may bite back.
Here are some words for
reading
By: Bob
And more on the demon crisis when we return… And we’re back! So as I said, something about a Demon crisis. We have to bar our windows, bar our doors, bar our wait a minute, just bar everything. BAR THE BARS!!! Oh yeah I forgot, the way to recognize the demons is to look in the mirror, scream as loud as you can, run back into your room and read every issue of Possible Truth backwards until you see rubber ducks. Yes, rubber ducks. Although the D-virus was completely eradicated, there were still a few ducks preserved in a lab in my closet. Long story short, they got out. And another long story short, the ducks are back, stronger, and the D-virus has mutated and is now running rampant creating about 20,000 new apocalypse newspaper articles a day. The result of this many apocalypse articles would cause every Space Dwarf, Death Duck, and Rubber Duck (wow, two kinds of ducks) to gain power in a snowball effect of evil. The only way to prevent this happening would be to… and now sports!
SPORTS
Yes, Sports. I know you’re thinking “Oh wow not this again.” I’m sure that a few of you actually said it and that guy sitting next to you was all like “Hey pal, wussa big idea?” And the old lady on the other side was all like “What the fubbledumpling, weirdo.” But yeah, the thing about sports is that even Make-believe ones are real competitive things and should be respected. It’s an outrage that you people rely on oxygen and yet refuse to appreciate sports. Sports such as continent racing and cheesecake skydiving produce stuff, which makes things and leads to oxygen. Because you don’t like sports you’re all like “Oxygen? Who cares? I can quit any time I want.” Sports are vital to the survival of crabgrass, poison ivy, homework and head lice. And us because everybody knows that crabgrass eats poison ivy and poison ivy eats homework and homework eats head lice resulting in oxygen. In conclusion: BASKETBALL GOLF FOOTBALL CHEESECAKE SKY DIVING CONTINENT RACING HOCKEY TENNIS DODGEBALL KICKBALL RACING SLEEPING CHEWING RIFELRY ARCHERY etc.
Are all necessary to the survival of stuff. And now yell “Fubbledumpling!!!” really loud. Or not, cus dat dere’s immachur!
In other news there are no ads because you’re too
lazy to even submit a five word advertisement!!! I dislike you. Oh, wait, forget what I said about dislike, turns out that you just submitted one, good job. Hmmm… used couch… minor acid damage… ancient curse… OK. Cool. Pick it up at your house Monday-Friday between 11am and 5pm.
THE PICTURE THAT WAS TO BE SHOWN ON THE BACK COVER OF THIS MAGAZINE WAS DEEMED OFFENSIVE TO ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. WE JUST COULDN’T FIND A GOOD ONE. So send pictures