Self-Compassion or Self-Esteem - What is more beneficial? By Kristin Neff

(This article contains portions of an article titled “Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem” written by Kristin Neff published on the website of Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley on May 27, 2011)

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." - Jack Kornfield

Imagine that you are an amateur singer-songwriter, and you invite your friends and family to see you perform at a nearby coffeehouse that showcases local talent. After the big night you ask everyone how they thought it went. ‘You were average’ is the reply. How would you feel in this scenario? Ashamed, humiliated, like you were a failure? Would you suffer with low selfesteem?

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is an evaluation of our worthiness as individuals, a judgment that we are good, valuable people. In our incredibly competitive society, being average is unacceptable. We have to be special and above average to feel we have any worth at all.

Pitfalls of giving more importance to Self-Esteem

When we base our self-worth on achieving high selfesteem, we feel the pressure to be better than others. While it’s natural to want to feel good about ourselves, this desire often leads to harmful comparisons. Trying to convince ourselves that we are special or above average comes with a cost: we may put others down, avoid facing our own weaknesses, or get stuck in cycles of self-doubt

When we do achieve something that raises our selfesteem, we might temporarily feel good about ourselves. But this satisfaction is often fleeting, like a sugar rush - it feels great in the moment but crashes just as quickly. And right after the crash comes a pendulum swing to despair when we don’t meet our high expectations or fail short compared to others. This reliance on feeling better by comparing with others can lead to anxiety, insecurity, and even depression.

Although thousands of articles have been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem such as: discrimination, prejudice, narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, and so on.

The Alternative: Self-Compassion

So, what’s the solution? To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop comparing ourselves with others. To stop trying to label ourselves as “good” or “bad” and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend - or even a stranger, for that matter.

Self-compassion helps us move past the harmful need for constant validation and allows us to embrace our flaws without harsh self-criticism.

Self-compassion has three main components:

1. Self-Kindness: Realize that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than being harshly critical and judgmental.

2. Common Humanity: Recognizing that mistakes and struggles are part of being human rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering.

3. Mindfulness: Acknowledging our pain without ignoring or exaggerating it, so we can approach it with balance.

Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t rely on external achievements or comparisons. It provides a stable foundation, helping us feel worthy even when life doesn’t go as planned. For instance, instead of thinking, “I failed and I’m not good enough,” selfcompassion allows us to say, “It’s okay to faileveryone struggles sometimes. I will learn from my mistakes and do better next time.”

Scientific Evidence for Self-Compassion

This means that unlike self-esteem, the good feelings of self-compassion do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselvesfragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are. Rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process. And the good feelings of selfcompassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. In fact, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down - whenever we fail or feel inadequate.

Studies have shown that self-compassion offers the same benefits as high self-esteem - such as less anxiety, more happiness, and greater optimism - but without the drawbacks. For example, self-compassion is not linked to narcissism, while high self-esteem often is. People who practice self-compassion are less likely to feel defensive or engage in unhealthy comparisons.

In one study, my colleague and I found that selfcompassion led to more stable feelings of self-worth over time. Participants who relied on self-esteem experienced ups and downs depending on external factors, such as success or approval from others. In contrast, self-compassionate individuals reported steady feelings of worth, even in difficult times.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Practicing self-compassion might feel unfamiliar at first, but it’s simpler than you think. Here are some ways to start:

• Talk to yourself kindly

Replace self-critical thoughts with gentle reminders: “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

• Connect with others

Remember that everyone makes mistakes - t’s part of being human.

• Pause and reflect

Take a moment to acknowledge your struggles with balanced awareness, without getting overwhelmed.

• Be appreciative of others

Learn to feel genuine pleasure in the virtues and capabilities of others. This will help you in appreciating their success and not focus on your failures.

Conclusion: An Island of Calm

Self-compassion provides a refuge from the endless cycles of judgment and comparison. By accepting ourselves as we are - imperfect yet worthy - we can find peace and connection. It’s not about being better than others; it’s about being kind to ourselves. By tapping into our inner wellsprings of kindness, acknowledging the shared nature of our imperfect human condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted, and alive.

It does take work to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime, but at the end of the day, you are only being asked to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart to yourself. It’s easier than you might think, and it could change your life.

“Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates you - with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities.” - Kristin Neff

Kristin Neff, Ph.D., is an associate professor in educational psychology at the University of Texas, Austin. She is the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (William Morrow, 2011) and co-author of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook (Guilford, 2018).