Single Parents Need Support Not Stigma

How the Muslim Community Can Step Up

BY KIRAN ANSARI

Asmaa Hussein was just 27 when she became a single mother. Her husband, Amr, was killed in Egypt while peacefully protesting the injustices in the aftermath of the military coup. Her daughter was not even one at that time. Hanan Ahmad* was 45 when she finally had the courage to leave an unhealthy marriage. Her children were teenagers. Imam Pavlíček’s boys were just 8 and 10 when he became a single father. The demographics may make these individuals sound very different. However, they have a lot in common.

These brothers and sisters in the Muslim community feel stigmatized as single parents. While the acceptance may be improving slightly, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done.

“There is 100% a stigma - and it’s not subtle,” Hussein said. “It was mere weeks after my husband was killed that I was being asked when I will remarry! I was still in my iddah (mourning period).” Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she poured out her heart into a bestselling book, “A Temporary Gift: Reflections on Love, Loss, and Healing.” What started off as her journal has become a handbook for thousands of readers.

Despite being able to use her gift of words to help others, single mom life still has its challenges. “Not having a second parent to share the spiritual and emotional load of parenting has been the hardest part,” Hussein said. “It can be incredibly overwhelming even if the physical tasks are not so many.”

Single fathers don’t have it any easier. Hasan Syed’s daughter was only four months old when he became a single dad. He found it particularly difficult to juggle work and parenting. Luckily his mother was able to help. Imam Christopher AbdulKareem Pavlíček of Ojala Foundation in Chicago agrees.

“I truly don’t know how I would have been able to take care of everything without the help of my mother, sister and my son’s abuelo (grandfather) helping out,” Pavlíček said.

Types Of Single Parents

One might think there are just two types of single parents – widowed or divorced. That is not true. The stigmas and assumptions also vary between single parent categories.

“People are more sympathetic towards widows because it’s not considered ‘their fault’,” Hussein said. “In contrast, I have seen the unhealthy levels of blame placed on divorcees.”

“We tend to be selective about what we attribute to Allah as His decree,” said Fahad Khan, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and

Deputy Director of Khalil Center, the largest provider of Muslim mental health in North America. “We may consider certain aspects like death as part of His divine plan while blaming ourselves for others like divorce.”

“Say, “Never will we be struck except by what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector.” And upon Allah let the believers rely.” (Quran 9:51)

Separated parents are bombarded with questions about whether they are getting back together or how long they will remain “in limbo.”

Ahmad believes we also have many “married single parents” in our community. It may sound like an oxymoron, but it’s much more rampant than you imagine. It’s a term coined for parents (mostly mothers) taking on all the parental responsibilities even while married. The fathers in such situations believe their job is only paying the bills. This uneven share of parenting is leaving children in seemingly regular homes grow up with a void from one parent’s active involvement in their life.

Common Struggles

Regardless of the type of single parent, one thing remains the same: the barrage of questions and lack of support.

“Why couldn’t they work it out?”

“When will she remarry?”

“I wonder what he did that she left him” and so on.

Even though divorce among Muslims is on the rise, it is still considered taboo and against our faith.

“In the Prophet’s time, both men and women used to get remarried multiple times. Whether it be because of death in battles, disease, or divorce, it was common to remarry,” said Dr. Khan. “What we see in our community today is that after a certain age, women particularly, are not even considered for marriage.”

“Remarriage is not bad, it’s the sunnah,” Hussein said. “But remarriage with children can be a minefield.” Scholars are not addressing this. Blended or single parent families are not even brought up at seminars.”

Dads are not off the hook either. “Those that embrace Islam as single parents are definitely pushed towards marriage,” said Imam Pavlíček. “This can be harmful for new Muslims and even more so for their young children.”

“Why do people at the mosque feel compelled to point out who is available?” wondered Syed. “Let’s be realistic, available should not be mistaken for compatible or desirable. Having a peaceful life is more important than society’s approval. Introducing children to the possibility of a new figure in their lives is a huge undertaking. A toddler will react very differently than a teenager. Not everyone gets a fairytale.”

Another huge struggle for single parents is dealing with their former spouse. It becomes even harder if parenting styles and priorities are poles apart.

“When Palestinians get divorced, women are often encouraged to give the kids to their father, so they can get remarried easily,” said Hebeh Fares from Ohio. “However, I would never want to be away from my children, ages 7 and 4. If Allah wishes, I may find someone who loves me and my children.”

Co-parenting can become very triggering at times because of different parenting styles and priorities. However, she has learned that it’s all about picking your battles.

“I miss my kids terribly when they spend alternate weekends with their father, but I know Allah loves them more than I do, and they’ll be okay.”

Since single family homes are not discussed openly, kids often bear the brunt. When Syed’s daughter was growing up, other children would ask her “where’s your mom?”

“I tried to be there for her, but I could not be her mom.”

The Muslim community has some other unique struggles that prevent access to justice too,” said Maliha Siddiqui, a family law attorney in Chicago. There could be immigration issues with U.S. citizens marrying people abroad and then not enabling them to get the right paperwork once they are here. New immigrants or refugees could have financial literacy or language issues. There are legal aid organizations that help for free or on a sliding scale. However, they are overburdened and may not understand the cultural nuances of iddah, mahar, jewelry as heirlooms, etc.

Siddiqui is on the board of Muslim Bar Association of Chicago. She chairs the South Asian Bar Association of Chicago and volunteers at their monthly legal clinic. She can