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Breaking IN News Report: Hayward Hires Charlie Sheen —Pensacola City Council STUNNED!

SPECIAL APRIL 1 ISSUE

MARCH 31, 2011 | VOLUME 12 | NUMBER 12 | WWW.INWEEKLY.NET 

BP PROMISES BUILDS NUCLEAR POWER PLANT!!

Rick Scott Waves Goodbye to Florida After to the

SELLING STATE

KOCH BROTHERS

Gun Vending Machines Coming Soon!

MORGAN VS. GADDAFI MMA BATTLE TO BE TELEVISED ON PAY PER VIEW!!!!!

TEACHERS: HURRY UP AND MAKE YOUR PICKS!

FCAT Student Draft set for JULY 10th

Gun Haters BEWARE!


HAYWARD H I RES

CHARLIE SHEEN TROUBLED STAR NEW CITY ADMINISTRATOR BY WALKER HOLMES

M

ayor A sh ton H ayward has

control, just try to think things through a little completed bit before he his nationwide search for does them.” his city administrator and When asked about stunned the Pensacola City how he will deal with Council with his appointthe city council, the ment of Charlie Sheen. actor-turned-adminis“You have to keep trator said, “I have poyour eye on the prize, etry in my finger tips. and Sheen’s bloodshot Most of the time I’m an eyes are the best,” said F-18, bro’—I’ll destroy Hayward at a press you in the air.” conference. “Charlie Mayor Hayward has been looking for scoffed at any questions a career change, and about Sheen’s exwe were lucky to perience to be the get him.” administrator. “NeiThe former star ther one of us has of “Two and a Half o t the experience Men” was fired e k abl t wor to run this e on March 7 by b ta r i ll nd s u w city the l o CBS and Warner l r i li e e w e ls e a way har Bros. The ofed at ne y s that it h o a t ficial statement u y d c r ur i eve nd fo ke eve o will l h read: “After e b ive m a u s t li f l have a careful conl c j ful a to be run,” s t ay sideration, a m t in u he said. “I have 15 p t Warner Bros. a nd a years experience e Television her working for two of has terminated the most reputable Charlie Sheen’s services on companies in the ‘Two and a Half Men’ effecworld. Charlie has tive immediately.” been on televiSheen, Hayward dismissed the sion and in movies. dressed in a bowling shirt controversy. “I believe that Hayward anThat should be enough to and khaki shorts, said, Charlie will be able to stay nounced, to Councilman satisfy anybody.” “Everybody thinks I should calm and focused. He will Larry Johnson’s cheers, Is Hayward worbe begging for my job back. start work at 11 a.m. just that Sheen was bringing the ried about Sheen’s past? Well, I’ve got this job now. like ever yone else around “goddesses,” his two live-in Hardly. “Some of our Where’s the can?” here and put in a full f ivegirlfriends Bree Olson and greatest presidents have hour day.” Natalie Kenly, to Pensacola. made mistakes and have “As a city, we are able to gone on to give incredoffer our citizens amenities ffer o o ible community sert e l b a that many cities our size e are y n vice,” said the mayor. s a ci t y w a m t a aren’t able to offer,” said th s a m e n it ie s Sheen added, “I er f f o o Mayor Hayward. t o u r ci t iz e n e l b n t a e r a tired of pretending e iz s r Sheen did have some ci t ie s o u I’m not special. I’m a advice for Mayor Hayward. bitchin’ rockstar from “I told Mayor Hayward he Mars, baby.” should work on his impulse

C

“I

. . 11

- MAYOR

“A

,

.H

-

ASHTON

GODDESS BREE OLSON COMING TO PENSACOLA!

.”

HAYWARD

HAYWARD - MAYOR ASHTON

INDEPENDENT NEWS | MARCH 31, 2011 | WWW.INWEEKLY.NET |

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BP BUILDS NUCLEAR POWER PLANT BP has guaranteed to the Escambia County Commission that their plant will be 100-percent safe and

the press conference. “Vision 2015 has met its goal in three months. Now we can buy more of those magnetic but-

ED A N R A E R AV E LF R O M O U N S . H E “ W D E A L P LO S I O T X G R E A TH R E E E A M U C H G LA ST O W H AV ER STA N D I N W E NE R U N D E O W E R .” EY B ETTU C LE A R PSTA M O N O F NLU C EY B U tons.” — Bustamoney

WHAT COULD GO WRONG? BY WALKER HOLMES

BP

has been quietly buying up the land in north Escambia County. Many have speculated that it was Gulf Power, but the oil giant admitted on Friday that it had been the purchaser

of most of the farmland north of Cantonment. “We have our best and brightest minds working on the design of a nuclear power plant for Northwest Florida,” said Lucy Bustamoney, BP spokesperson, at a press conference held on the steps of the Escambia County Courthouse. “We are in this area for the long haul. We’re

not going away until we build this plant right.” The IN learned that BP has hired Three Little Pigs Engineers to design the plant, the same engineers behind the Deepwater Horizon rig design. Bustamoney, who was wearing a HazMat suit at the press conference, said, “We will cut no corners. Every reasonable safety measure will be used.”

will pose no threat to public safety, as long as there are no earthquakes, equipment malfunctions or safety failures. “We have learned a great deal from our last three explosions,” said Bustamoney. “We tried to do as much as we could as fast we could. I would say we now have a much better understanding of nuclear power.” Construction of the nuclear plant has already begun. The facility will create 8,000 jobs for the area by the time construction is completed. “Take that Gene Valentino,” said Pensacola Bay Area Chamber of Commerce chairman Collier Merrill at

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stated that about 80 percent of those workers are from Florida, and that after a few hiccups with outside staffing companies and subcontractors, things are going generally more smoothly. About 90 plant workers’ contracts were terminated on March 31 when it was found that the subcontractor who had hired them had not been trained to provide hazwoper training to his employees. Most of those workers who managed to complete the additional training and pass drug tests are now back at work, and BP and its subcontractors continue to hire and train workers in Escambia County for work, according to Bustamoney. Bustamoney said that BP is committed to helping the area. “Just like we did with the oil spill.”

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MORGAN

CHALLENGES

GADDAFI M MA BATTLE O N PAY-PE R-VI EW BY WALKER HOLMES

F

resh from taking on Gov. Rick Scott, County Commissioner Grover Robinson and three federal judges, Sheriff David Morgan has challenged the embattled dictator of Libya, Muammar Gaddaf i, to a Mixed Martial Arts duel to be fought April 1 outdoors on Pensacola Beach. With all eyes on Libya and how to remove Gad-

daf i from off ice, MMA fans have been scouring the world for a man capable of offering the r uler some kind of challenge. Many eyes have tur ned to the 6-foot3 Morgan, who matches up well with Gaddaf i. They are the kind of expectations that could derail a less conf ident f ighter. So far, they haven't had an impact on Morgan. "I think that's what enabled him to get this quick start, is his confidence level," said Bugs Bowline, Morgan's striking coach.

"I think it comes from that background as a sheriff. We have a lot of confident guys in our gym; Morgan is the most confident." Part of that selfassurance comes from the

pens, he seems to suck the conf idence f rom the opponent and add it to his own. However, Gaddafi is wiry and always has a trick, or chair, up his sleeve. Neither bombings nor UN sanctions have defeated him, but he hasn’t dealt with the steely-eyed Morgan stare. “He is an oak,” said Bowline of the il 1 sheriff. “Gaddaf i Apr ing , y a k has f inally met his r d i pa Fr match.” .m. Beach ch p ea o :7 n B N i Wind Creek CaE s a l WH E: Ca saco 0 sino gives Morgan R n 1 E e W H l o t , P O ST: $ -2 2 57 a slight edge. ESPN 2 C 3 S: 9 says it’s too close to L I A D ET call, but Al Jazeera Sports predicts Gaddafi will win the bout by decision and has filed a fact that, protest to prevent Morgan up to this point in his from greeting the fight career, Sheriff Morgan has judges at the trolley stop yet to meet an opponent before the fight. who can stuff his takeWill Morgan comply downs–just ask former with Al Jazeera’s demand? County Administrator Bob He just smiles and says, McLaughlin. “And sinners in hell want In ever y one of his ice water.” f ights, Morgan has taken his opponent down in the f irst round. W hen it hap-

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EVERS WANTS GUN VENDING MACHINES GUN HATERS ARE FOREWARNED!!

I

BY WALKER HOLMES

n an exclusive interview, State Sen. Greg Evers, R-Baker, has shared with the IN his plans to propose in 2012 legislation that will legalize gun vending machines. “As silly as it may sound, people can buy soda and candy from vending machines, but not handguns,” said Evers. “This fixes that problem. While some gun

gun rights activists, hunting enthusiasts and mall arcades, is eyed warily by many law enforcement officials and mall food-court vendors. “It’s a nightmarish managerial problem,” said Tomas Slick, manager of Poppie’s Dots and Dips at Ave Maria Mall in Calhoun County. “It’s one of those things where, ob-

FIND S Y A W L A S W I LL S E N S I B LE R E T A H N “GU O PPO S E E V E R S O T N O S A REG G A RE ” N O I viously, there LE G I S LAT

haters may not want to remove this needless restriction, none of them argue about condoms or stuffed animals being sold through vending machines. Florida is playing catch-up here.” The legislation, which is expected to win favor among

is emotion and concern; but traditionally, inherently, food courts are a very safe place– until the ice cream runs out.” According to the Brady Campaign, 46 states allow open carry, but none have gun vending machines. Evers wants Florida to be the first. “The only rationale the

spokesperson for that national gun control/gun ban organization give for opposing my bill is that ‘It is frightening to see people buying loaded weapons while getting their soda and Snickers,’” said Evers. “I suppose it probably is particularly frightening to criminals who are afraid of being shot if they try to rob a person or a store knowing that a citizen can buy a loaded gun in a nearby vending machine.” Evers said that lawabiding people who are afraid of guns can simply walk away from the machines. “My bill should actually make them feel better because they can walk away knowing little Tommy has got their back, if he has a credit card for the machine,” said Evers. The lawmaker wasn’t concerned that criminals could use the vending machines,

too. “Gun haters will always find a reason to oppose sensible legislation,” said Evers.

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Employee Award: Joy Barbee, RN, Memory Disorder Clinic, a resident of Pace

10 | INDEPENDENT NEWS | MARCH 31, 2011

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Volunteer Award: Sunnie Gates, Sunshine Volunteer, a resident of Pensacola

Physician Award: Dr. Carroll English, an orthopedic surgeon from Bonita Springs, Florida


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BY WALKER HOLMES

ov. Rick Scott ansaw an opportunity to make a profit on nounced today that he his campaign investment and bailed has sold Florida to the before things got too hot to handle. The Koch brothers. Resinew governor’s popularity numbers are dents across the state have 60 days just slightly above Libyan ruler Muamto vacate their properties or sign lease mar Gaddafi, but still below the guy who agreements with Koch Industries, the poisoned the Toomer’s Corner trees. second largest privately-owned company Scott’s budget has been criticized by in the United States. everyone, including his mother. David and Charles Koch are the bilGov. Scott would not reveal what lionaire supporters behind the Tea Party the sales price for the state was and Republican governors like Wisbut said that he can consin’s Scott Walker, Ohio’s John now afford a hair E Kasich and Florida’s Rick or at least H S T S piece, S O Scott. They a nice baseball R C Y A A D S T 0 support the cap. E6 DE N think-tanks MeanRESI TATE HAVTE THEIR S that advised while, A C R Gov. Scott to the Koch TO VAERTIES OREEP G not accept brothers O A PR EASE KOCH $2 billion ref used L SIGN NTS WITH S from the to confederal f i r m or ME USTRIE IND governdeny the ment for the pu rchase, but have high-speed rail beg u n buildi ng a fence along project that Flor id a’s borders and placi ng would have toll booths on all highways connected leadi ng i nto the for mer st ate. Tampa and R ick Scot t also anOrlando, nou nced at the press and also conference his plans to supported move to Georgia, where the GOP efhe plans to r u n for goverforts to bust nor i n 2012. “Heck, I’ve got the public emcampaig n money that’s bu r nployee unions i ng a hole i n my pocket.” across the countr y. Rick Scott, also a conservative Republican billionaire, plucked the Florida governor's job from the party establishment in November with $73 million of his own money and the backing of the Tea Party and vowed during his campaign to run the troubled state like a corporate chief executive and not a politician. Like any good corporate CEO, Scott


PLAYBOY PICKS SCHOOL

DISTRICT AS

TOP PARTY SPOT

E

BY WALKER HOLMES

ach year, Playboy Magazine ranks its top ten party schools based on criteria that includes a "bikini index." The University of Texas took top spot in 2010. The Escambia County Public School District surprisingly heads the list for 2011. “Normally we don’t take in high school and middle schools, but Escambia County School District made a strong case,” said Billie Joe Denny, official listmaker for Playboy Publications. "When you add up the light academics, the weather, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ administration and the beaches, Escambia County has one heck of a school district.” The Princeton Review disputes the Playboy rankings, although they

ESCAMBIA SCHOOLS FINALLY FINISH AT THE TOP OF SOMETHING!

do have Escambia Coun- reports one out of every ty in its top three. Acthree crime incidents to cording to dormsplash. law enforcement. The com, the most raucous rest of the state is over partiers in the nation are 50 percent. Most stucloistered in residence dents can talk their way halls at Indiana Univer- out of anything.” sity in Bloomington, but The motto of the the website believes the Escambia Public School bathrooms, field houses, District is “What hapschool buses and readpens in the School Dising classrooms on the trict stays in the School campuses of Escambia District.” County may rival any college campus. “The 1.Escambia County, Fla. Public addition of School District the drug 2. University of Georgia dogs hasn’t 3. Ohio University seemed 4. University of Mississippi to impact 5. University of Texas at Austin anything,” 6. University of Florida said Denny. 7. Florida State University “Drugs 8. University of Wisconsin aren’t cool. 9. University of Alabama Face it, the 10. Sewanee-The University of School Disthe South trict only

PLAYBOY 2011 TOP PARTY SCHOOLS

S T R A T S A S O R TEACHERS BATTLE A T N A S FOR BEST TEST T F A R TAKERS FCAT D

S

BY WALKER HOLMES

anta Rosa County

public schools plan to institute a student draft for the 2011-12 school year. Teachers will pick in rotation the top FCAT students from the incoming class and hope to build a strong class score and earn fat bonuses from the school districts. “With Gov. Rick Scott and the Florida Legislature tying teachers’ pay to scores on the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, we felt a FCAT draft was the only fair way to divide up the classes,” said Henry Loonie, assistant superintendent of schools. “There will be risks, especially with the third-grade draft. Who knows how those kids will test when they reach the big leagues?”

The order of the draft, which will be done by grade, will be in the order of accumulative FCAT scores of the teacher’s class the prior year. To prevent a teacher from purposely sabotaging his FCAT tests, such as throwing an ice-cream party the morning of the test or forgetting to tell the students there will be a test, the three lowest scoring classes will be put in a lottery, and the principal will draw the order of the first three picks. Teachers can pick up to three students out of their attendance zone, if they are willing to drive them to school every day. They can pick one sibling of a former student each draft. Once school has started, teachers can trade students for fu-

ture draft picks. Trades outside of the school will be prohibited after the Christmas break. Two students can be placed on waivers the day of the test and their test scores won’t count. If a teacher is fired or suspended, his students will all be placed on waivers, which is added incentive for teachers to behave. To help teachers with their drafts, all students will attend a school district FCAT combine in May. Students who fail to attend the combine will still be drafted but will not be invited to the endof-the-year class party.

The Learning Channel has already agreed to televise the 2011 draft, which will be held July 10 at 8 p.m.

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