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WEEK OF FEBRUARY 6-12 Arts & Entertainment

art, film, music, stage, books and other signs of civilization...

Will Bowers isn’t above a dad joke.

The Crestview-based DJ, aka DJ Dad, behind the upcoming Pensacola Record Fair has two children with his wife Becca—Liam, 3, and Flora, 1. He’s allowed.

“I chose to do it on a Sunday because around here, nobody thinks to do stuff on Sunday,” Bowers said. “Everybody’s at church or whatever. But Sunday afternoons—they call it Sunday Funday for a reason, if you know what I’m saying.”

His DJ name is self-explanatory. “I chose that name because, one, I am a dad,” Bowers said. “Two, I think it’s a not so serious name for a DJ to have. You have DJs out there and they’re so serious, and they’re like, ‘It’s time to dance.’ But I think that takes away from the atmosphere or the vibe a party should be having. I want people to think, ‘Oh, DJ Dad (Will Bowers)

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you can make a joke about my name and that’s part of it.’”

Bowers’ next event—The Pensacola Record Fair—will feature vinyl vendors from Pensacola, Fort Walton Beach, Mobile, Birmingham, New Orleans and Atlanta.

The event will also offer other local DJs a chance to shine. They can sign up to perform on the deck at the event starting at 11:30 a.m. the day of.

Bowers based the event off the Miami Record Fair, he said. His personal interest lies in dance music culture.

“I love to make people dance,” Bowers said. “I love to dance, too. My wife loves to dance. We just can’t really find a wholesome place to just purely dance. That’s what I’m looking to foster with these types of events. I’d love for the platform I gain from doing this to lead to bigger

and better things that are more closely related to dance culture.”

Bowers is a vinyl enthusiast himself, with a record of some 700—give or take—albums in his collection. He loves to use vinyl while DJing today, but that wasn’t always the case. He started DJing after being inspired by sets on Boiler Room, an online music broadcasting platform.

“I started with the absolute cheapest thing I could find, the cheapest deck I could find off of Craigslist, and then I bought my first sound system from a thrift store,” Bowers said.

“Started from there and just jimmied my way up. I didn’t start with vinyl. I started digitally.”

Spinning with vinyl crept its way into his sets, though, he said.

“It’s the way people have done it for a very long time, so it’s kind of honoring or showing respect to where DJing started,” Bowers said. “It kind of has a mystic power to it. You can’t do that much using just vinyl, but it’s pure in a way.” Using vinyl records is more challenging than playing music digitally, he explained.

“DJing digitally, you can see all that you need to know about whatever song you’re playing right there on the screen,” Bowers said. “If you’re DJing with vinyl, you have to know the song by heart basically—know where all the queue points are, where you want to start the song and stop the song, know where the highs are, where the climax is in the song.” Today, he combines vinyl and digital—bringing around 20 to 25 records with him to an event.

His musical home base is classic disco. He plans to perform disco, funk and Brazilian jazz at the Pensacola Record Fair. He likes to infuse disco rhythm and strings, jazz horn sections and funk bass lines into his sets. “I love the energy that disco producers put into their songs,” Bowers said. “Whenever I play those, I really feel like those energies in a way flowing through me. Back in the day, you had full bands having to come together, play these songs and record them all in one room—whole orchestras. As opposed to now, even though music is still good, you just have a guy sitting at a desk. Even though producers put as much energy into their stuff, it’s kind of pulling from the past or sticking to tried and true methods.”

Around here, “Margaritaville” is the biggest crowd pleaser, he said. But Fat Larry’s Band’s “Lookin’ for Love” also wins people over.

“That is definitely one of my go-to dance floor heaters—if you will,” Bowers said.

Bowers doesn’t do much to prepare for a performance, except match the mood.

He recently brought moody beats to fit the vibe at the grand opening of Super Touch Vintage, a mid-century furniture shop in Pensacola. No matter where he performs, Bowers is sure of one thing—everybody loves music (mostly).

“Everybody loves the fact that vinyl is coming back,” Bowers said. {in} PENSACOLA RECORD FAIR WHEN: Noon-4 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 9 WHERE: Vinyl Music Hall, 2 S. Palafox COST: Free admission DETAILS: vinylmusichall.com

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THURSDAY 2.6 WORK ON THE FLORIDA TRAIL 8 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Every Thursday. Three miles north of Deaton Bridge Road. meetup.com/ftawesterngate YOGA WITHIN REACH 9-10 a.m. Free. Community Health Northwest Florida, 2315 W. Jackson St., Room A. healthcarewithinreach.org LA LECHE LEAGUE 10 a.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org BREAKERSPACE ELECTRONICS 10:30 a.m. Thursdays. Pensacola Library, 239 N. Spring St. mywfpl.com OSCAR-NOMINATED SHORT FILMS 1 and 4 p.m. $7 (cash only). Studer Community Institute, 220 W. Garden St. pensacolacinemaart.com LOVE AT FIRST BITE 4-7 p.m. $25 per person. Proceeds benefit FavorHouse. V. Paul’s Italian Ristorante, 29 S. Palafox. favorhouse.org ATLAS BEVERAGE CLASS 5 and 7 p.m. $25 per person. Reservations required. Call 287-0200. Atlas Oyster House, 600 S. Barracks St. greatsouthernrestaurants.com FLIGHTS AND BITES 5-7 p.m. $20 per person. Thursdays. Wine and food pairings. The District, 123 E. Government St. districtsteaks.com AWM WINE TASTING WITH ROBERT BIALE OF ROBERT BIALE VINEYARDS 5-7 p.m. Free. Aragon Wine Market, 27 S. Ninth Ave. facebook.com/aragonwine

PUDDLES PITY PARTY 7 p.m. $35-$100. Vinyl Music Hall, 2 S. Palafox. vinylmusichall.com SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK LIVE! 7:30 p.m. $17. Pensacola Little Theatre, 400 S. Jefferson St. pensacolalittletheatre.com

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES AND BEER PAIRING 5-8 p.m. Perfect Plain Brewing Co., 50 E. Garden St. facebook.com/perfectplainbrewingco YAPPY HOUR 5-10 p.m. Through Feb. 27. 5% of proceeds benefit Escambia County Animal Shelter. Red Fish Blue Fish, 5B Via De Luna Drive. redfishbluefishpensacolabeach.com RADIOLIVE 6 p.m. $10. Dana & Susan Robinson, Jamie Anderson, Joe Crookston and Dennis Warner. Museum of Commerce, 201 Zaragoza St. radiolive.org MOLINO MELODIES 6 p.m. Thursdays. Molino Branch Library, 6450-A Highway 95A. mywfpl.com MEDITATION AND ENERGY HEALING 6 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org ZUMBA WITH SHANNON AND FRIENDS 6-7 p.m. $4. Homestead Community Center, 7830 Pine Forest Road. BUYERS AND BREWS FIRST TIME HOME BUYERS SEMINAR 6-8 p.m. Free. Perfect Plain Brewing Co., 50 E. Garden St. facebook.com/perfectplainbrewingco END OF THE LINE THURSDAY DINNER 6-9 p.m. End of the Line Café, 610 E. Wright St. Sign up for the newsletter for menu. eotlcafe.com PANHANDLE CONSCIOUS COLLECTIVE MEETINGS 7 p.m. Asher and Bee Apothecary and Tea House, 3014 N. Ninth Ave. facebook.com/asherandbee

FRIDAY 2.7 EVER’MAN COOKS: COOKING WITH HONEY W/ BECCA FRITSCHLE 11 a.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org HAPPY HOUR COOKOUT 5 p.m. Seville Quarter, 130 E. Government St. sevillequarter.com ACOUSTIC SONGWRITERS NIGHT 6 p.m. Every Friday through March 27. Frazier’s Country Wines, 3130 Barrancas Ave. fromthegroundupgardenpensacola.com BLACK SPEED DATING 6 p.m. Henny Penny’s Patisserie, 4412 W. Jackson St. Email momuaye@gmail.com for event application and details. facebook.com/hennypennyspatisserie MASKED MARDI GRAS BALL 6 p.m. Free to members, $35 to non-members. Pensacola Yacht Club, 1897 Cypress St. MAKO ATHLETICS INTRODUCTION TO FUNCTIONAL FITNESS 6 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org SELF LOVE FRIDAY 6-8 p.m. $50. Yoga workshop, massage and tacos from Tacos Mexicanos. Wild Lemon, 3000 N. 12th Ave. facebook.com/beawildlemon PENSACOLA ICE FLYERS VS. QUAD CITY STORM 7:35 p.m. $15 and up. Pensacola Bay Center, 201 E. Gregory St. pensacolabaycenter.com APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION: THE ULTIMATE GUNS N’ ROSES TRIBUTE 8 p.m. $12- $25. Vinyl Music Hall, 2 S. Palafox. vinylmusichall.com GLOW BOWL 9 p.m.-1 a.m. Every Friday and Saturday. $12 per person. Strikerz Entertainment Center, 3200 N. Palafox.

SATURDAY 2.8 PARKRUN/WALK MEETUP 7:30 a.m. University of West Florida, Rec Plex North Field, 11000 University Parkway. parkrun.us/ recplexnorth OCEAN HOUR CLEAN-UP 9-10 a.m. Naval Live Oaks National Park and the Bob Sikes Bridge at Quietwater Beach. oceanhourfl.com SANTA ROSA FARMERS MARKET 9 a.m.-1 p.m. Fresh local produce, honey, baked goods and live music. Pace Presbyterian Church, Woodbine Road. PALAFOX MARKET 9 a.m.-2 p.m. Fresh produce, live plants, baked goods, fine art and antiques. Items originate directly from participating vendors, including dozens of local farmers, home gardeners and area artists. Martin Luther King Jr. Plaza, N. Palafox. palafoxmarket.com YOU SELL IT HERE FARMER’S MARKET 9 a.m.-2 p.m. Free admission. Every Saturday. 8600 Pensacola Blvd. facebook.com/yousellithere FROM SCRATCH: A LOCAL ARTIST SHOWCASE & CRAFT MARKET 10 a.m.-3 p.m. Shirley’s Café & Bakery, 1014 Underwood Ave. facebook.com/shirleyscafepensacola HUMANISTS OF WEST FLORIDA 10 a.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org MARDI GRAS FLOTILLA 10:45 a.m. Fleet departs from the docks at Sunset Grille, 14050 Canal A Way. FEBRUARY DAY BAY CRUISES 1-3 p.m. Select Saturdays and Sundays. $20 per person. Pensacola Bay Cruises, 750 Commendencia St. pensacolabaycruise.com FERMENTATION SERIES 1 p.m. $15. Asher & Bee Apothecary and Tea House, 3014 N. Ninth Ave., Ste. B. facebook.com/asherandbee OSCAR-NOMINATED SHORT FILMS 1 and 4 p.m. $7 (cash only). Studer Community Institute, 220 W. Garden St. pensacolacinemaart.com NATURAL HEALING 2 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org CHESS CLUB 2 p.m. Saturdays. All levels welcome. Pensacola Library, 239 N. Spring St. mywfpl.com SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK LIVE! 3 p.m. $33. Pensacola Little Theatre, 400 S. Jefferson St. pensacolalittletheatre.com DANCE PARTY 7 p.m.-midnight. $10 workshop, $10 party. No partner required. DanceCraft, 8618 Pensacola Blvd. dancecraftstudios.com PENSACOLA SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA PRESENTS: FROM HOLLYWOOD: JOHN WILLIAMS AND MORE 7:30 p.m. $23 and up. Saenger Theatre, 118 S. Palafox. pensacolasaenger.com PENSACOLA ICE FLYERS VS. QUAD CITY STORM 7:05 p.m. $15 and up. Pensacola Bay Center, 201 E. Gregory St. pensacolabaycenter.com $5 LOCAL SHOWCASE: FAKING SOLACE, OCTO

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BER NOIR, KONFRONT THE KHAOS 8 p.m. Vinyl Music Hall, 2 S. Palafox. vinylmusichall.com SATURDAY SWING OUTS 8 p.m. $5. Saturdays. Breathe Yoga Studio, 505 S. Adams St. GLOW BOWL 9 p.m.-1 a.m. Every Friday and Saturday. $12 per person. Strikerz Entertainment Center, 3200 N. Palafox. SUNDAY 2.9 THEMED BRUNCH AT PERFECT PLAIN 10 a.m. Perfect Plain Brewing Co., 50 E. Garden St. facebook.com/perfectplainbrewingco TRANSMISSION MEDITATION WORLD SERVICE 10:30 a.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org BIERGARTEN YOGA WITH BRIANNA 10:30 a.m. $12. Gary’s Brewery and Biergarten, 208 Newman Ave. facebook.com/garysbrew BRUNCH WITH LIVE MUSIC 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Café Single Fin, 380 N. Ninth Ave. facebook.com/cafesinglefin ADOPTION PAW-TY 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Pets up for adoption from The Joy Committee. Perfect Plain Brewing Co., 50 E. Garden St. facebook.com/perfectplainbrewingco VEGAN BRUNCH 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Sign up for the newsletter for menu. End of the Line Café, 610 E. Wright St. eotlcafe.com SUNDAY BRUNCH AT H20 11 a.m. $28.95 for adults. Free valet parking and 15% off with local ID. H20 Hilton, 12 Via De Luna Drive. facebook.com/hiltonpensacolabeach PENSACOLA RECORD FAIR Noon. Free. Vinyl Music Hall, 2 S. Palafox. vinylmusichall.com

FEBRUARY DAY BAY CRUISES 1-3 p.m. Select Saturdays and Sundays. $20 per person. Pensacola Bay Cruises, 750 Commendencia St. pensacolabaycruise.com CARD PLAYERS CLUB 1-3 p.m. Sundays. Pensacola Library, 239 N. Spring St. mywfpl.com WHAT IS HYPNOSIS/HYPNOTHERAPY? WITH GABRIELE POWELL 2 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org JEFF GLICKMAN 3 p.m. Dolce and Gelato, 2050 N. 12th Ave. facebook.com/dolcegelatopensacola FMW AUDUBON BIRDS AND BREW TO GULF ISLANDS NATIONAL SEASHORE HEADQUARTERS 3-5 p.m. Gulf Islands National Seashore Headquarters, 1801 Gulf Breeze Parkway. fmwaudubon.org CLETUS BEAN PLAYS THE WINERY 3-6 p.m. Frazier's Country Wines, 3130 Barrancas Ave. SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK LIVE! 3 p.m. $33. Pensacola Little Theatre, 400 S. Jefferson St. pensacolalittletheatre.com RECORD FAIR AFTER PARTY 4-8 p.m. Odd Colony Brewing Co., 260 N. Palafox. facebook.com/oddcolony TRANSGENDER ALLIANCE 4 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org BEER AND HYMNS AT GARY’S BIERGARTEN 4-6 p.m. Gary’s Brewery and Biergarten, 208 Newman Ave. facebook.com/garysbrew PENSACOLA ICE FLYERS VS. QUAD CITY STORM 4:05 p.m. $15 and up. Pensacola Bay Center, 201 E. Gregory St. pensacolabaycenter.com SUNSET/FULL MOON RIDE 4:30-6:30 p.m. Fort Pickens/National Seashore, 1400 Fort Pickens Road. facebook.com/westfloridawheelmen

MONDAY 2.10 GARDENING ON THE GULF COAST 9 a.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org THE ODDLING TROT 6 p.m. Mondays. Join Odd Colony running club for a three-mile run and enjoy $2 off pints after the run. Odd Colony Brewing Co., 260 N. Palafox. facebook.com/oddcolony HANDMADE PASTA COOKING CLASS 6 p.m. $60. So Gourmet, 407-D S. Palafox. sogourmetpensacola.com SEVILLE QUARTER MILERS 6 p.m. Runners meet in front of Seville Quarter for a run around downtown Pensacola. Seville Quarter, 130 E. Government St. sevillequarter.com EARTH ETHICS 6 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org

TUESDAY 2.11 YOGA WITHIN REACH 9-10 a.m. Free. Community Health Northwest Florida, 2315 W. Jackson St., Room A. healthcarewithinreach.org OPEN STEAM LAB 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Tuesdays. Pensacola Library, 239 N. Spring St. mywfpl.com EVER’MAN COOKS: CAULIFLOWER PIZZA 2 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org COMPLIMENTARY WINE TASTING 4-6 p.m. Bodacious, 407-D S. Palafox. sogourmetpensacola.com

VINO MAGNIFICO 5:30 p.m. $12 per person. V. Paul’s Italian Ristorante, 29 S. Palafox. vpauls.com FUNKY YOGA 6 p.m. Free. Ever'man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org ZUMBA WITH SHANNON AND FRIENDS 6-7 p.m. $4. Homestead Community Center, 7830 Pine Forest Road. COUNTRY TWO-STEP DANCING 6:30 p.m. $12. Whiskey Runners Saloon, 610 E. Nine Mile Road. dancecraftstudios.com BLACK VIOLIN: IMPOSSIBLE TOUR 2020 8 p.m. $25 and up. Saenger Theatre, 118 S. Palafox. pensacolasaenger.com LOST DOG STREET BAND 8 p.m. $15. Vinyl Music Hall, 2 S. Palafox. vinylmusichall.com WEDNESDAY 2.12 COMMUNITY PILATES 10:30 a.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org VINYASA YOGA 6 p.m. Ever’man Educational Center, 327 W. Garden St. everman.org WINE DINNER 6 p.m. $86. So Gourmet, 407-D S. Palafox. sogourmetpensacola.com ARCHAEOLOGY ON TAP: TURPENTINING IN FLORIDA 6-7 p.m. Odd Colony Brewing Co., 260 N. Palafox. facebook.com/oddcolony REDNECK WINEMAKING 101 6-8 p.m. $65. (Three-day workshop). Frazier's Country Wines, 3130 Barrancas Ave.

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ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): You now have the power to make connections that have not previously been possible. You can tap into an enhanced capacity to forge new alliances and strengthen your support system. I urge you to be on the lookout for a dynamic group effort you could join or a higher purpose you might align yourself with. If you're sufficiently alert, you may even find an opportunity to weave your fortunes together with a dynamic group effort that's in service to a higher purpose.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): "Victory won't come to me unless I go to it," wrote the poet Marianne Moore. In other words, you must track down each victory you're interested in. You must study its unique nature. And then you must adjust yourself to its specifications. You can't remain just the way you are but must transform yourself so as to be in alignment with the responsibilities it demands of you. Can you pass these tests, Taurus? I believe you can. It's time to prove it.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): While at the peak of his powers as an author, Gemini-born Nobel Prize-winner Jean-Paul Sartre consumed an array of mood-shifters every day. He quaffed at least a quart of alcohol, smoked two packs of cigarettes and drank copious amounts of coffee and tea. His intake of pills included 200 milligrams of amphetamines, 15 grams of aspirin and a handful of barbiturates. I propose that we make Sartre your anti-role model during the next four weeks, dear Gemini. According to my analysis of your astrological indicators, your ability to discover, attract and benefit from wonders and marvels will thrive to the degree that you forswear drugs and alcohol and artificial enhancements. And I'm pleased to inform you that there could be a flood of wonders and marvels.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): I don't think I'm boring. How could I be? I have an abundant curiosity and I love to learn new things. I've worked at many different jobs, have read widely and enjoy interacting with a broad range of humans. Yet now and then I've had temporary relationships with people who regarded me as uninteresting. They didn't see much of value in me. I tend to believe it was mostly their fault— they couldn't see me for who I really am—but it may have also been the case that I lived down to their expectations. Their inclination to see me as unimportant influenced me to be dull. I bring this up, my fellow Cancerian, because now is an excellent time to remove yourself from situations where you have trouble being and feeling your true self.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Soprano Helen Traubel and tenor Lauritz Melchior performed together in many productions of Wagnerian operas, often at the Metropolitan in New York City. Friends and colleagues but not lovers, they had a playful relationship with each other. A favorite pastime was figuring out tricks they could try that would cause the other to break into inappropriate laughter while performing. According to my quirky reading of the astrological omens, Leo, the coming weeks will be a propitious time for you to engage in similar hijinks with your allies. You have a poetic license and a spiritual mandate to enjoy amusing collaborative experiments, playful intimate escapades and adventures in buoyant togetherness.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Eighteenthcentury author Samuel Johnson singlehandedly compiled the influential “A Dictionary of the English Language,” which remained the definitive British dictionary for 170 years. We shouldn't be surprised that it was a Virgo who accomplished such an intricate and exhaustive feat. As a high-minded Virgo, Johnson also had a talent for exposing hypocrisy. In commenting on the Americans' War of Independence against his country, he noted that some of the "loudest yelps for liberty" came from slave-owners. I propose that we make him one of your role models in 2020. May he inspire you to produce rigorous work that's useful to many. May he also empower you to be a candid purveyor of freedom.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22): Is there a project or situation you'd love to create but have lacked the confidence to try? Now is a time when you can finally summon the necessary courage. Is there a long-running dilemma that

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has always seemed too confusing and overwhelming to even understand, let alone solve? Now is a favorable time to ask your higher self for the clear vision that will instigate an unforeseen healing. Is there a labor of love that seems to have stalled or a dream that got sidetracked? Now is a time when you could revive its luminosity and get it back in a sweet groove.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): Was there a more influential 20th-century artist than Scorpio-born Pablo Picasso? He was a revolutionary innovator who got rich from his creations. Once, while visiting a gallery showing of art made by children, he said, "When I was their age I could draw like Raphael [the great Renaissance artist]. But it took me a lifetime to learn to draw like they do." In accordance with your current astrological omens, Scorpio, I suggest you seek inspiration from Picasso's aspiration. Set an intention to develop expertise in seeing your world and your work through a child's eyes.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): I know a Sagittarius man who has seen the film “Avengers: Endgame” 17 times. Another Sagittarian acquaintance estimates she has listened all the way through to Billie Eilish's album “When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?” 135 times. And then there's my scholarly Sagittarian friend who has read the ancient Greek epic poem the “Iliad” 37 times. I have no problem with this behavior. I admire your tribe's ability to keep finding new inspiration in sources you already know well. But in my astrological opinion, you shouldn't do much of this kind of thing in the coming weeks. It's high time for you to experiment with experiences you know little about. Be fresh, innocent and curious.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): Athens was one of the great cities of the ancient world. Its vigorous art, theater, philosophy, architecture and experiments in democracy are today regarded as foundational to Western culture. And yet at its height, Athens' population was a mere 275,000—equal to modern Fort Wayne, Indiana or Windsor, Ontario. How could such a relatively small source breed such intensity and potency? That's a long story. In any case, I foresee you having the potential to be like Athens yourself in the coming weeks and months, Capricorn—a highly concentrated fount of value. For best results, focus on doing what you do best.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): According to my analysis, the year 2020 will be a time when you can have dramatic success as you re-evaluate and re-vision and revamp your understandings of your life purpose. Why were you born? What's the nature of your unique genius? What are the best gifts you have to offer the world? Of the many wonderful feats you could accomplish, which are the most important? The next few weeks will be a potent time to get this fun and energizing investigation fully underway.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Physicist Niels Bohr won a Nobel Prize for his insights about quantum mechanics. But he was humble about the complexity of the subject. "If you think you understand it, that only shows you don’t know the first thing about it," he mused. I'm tempted to make a similar statement about the mysteries and riddles that are making your life so interesting. If you think you understand those mysteries and riddles, you probably don't. But if you're willing to acknowledge how perplexing they are, and you can accept the fact that your comprehension of them is partial and fuzzy, then you might enjoy a glimmer of the truth that's worth building on.

THIS WEEK'S HOMEWORK: You can fling imaginary lightning bolts from your fingers any time you want. Prove it!

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LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINAL Matthew Davies, 47, of Dunfermline, Scotland, pleaded guilty on Jan. 17 to assault and robbery in the case of a bumbling Bank of Scotland holdup in September, the Daily Record reported. On that day, Davies charged into the bank with a meat cleaver in hand and a pillowcase over his head. Unfortunately, he had neglected to cut eyeholes in the pillowcase and therefore couldn't see—so he had to take it off. Undeterred, Davies used the cleaver to batter a glass partition on the counter and eventually took off with almost 2,000 pounds, casually wandering toward home, even stopping to pet a dog along the way. One brave customer of the bank followed Davies to his home and alerted police; there they found cash and the pillowcase, along with a stun gun. He'll be sentenced in February.

POLICE REPORT Antoine McDonald, 21, of Altamonte Springs, Florida, became famous last year for dressing up as the Easter Bunny in Orlando, but he found his costume unhelpful on Jan. 16 after ramming his motorcycle into a carport, which collapsed on a car parked there, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. The motorcycle then hit a fence and flipped over, and a neighbor observed the Easter Bunny limping away from the scene. When officers caught up with McDonald, lying in the back ssseat of a car, he denied involvement in the crash: "I wasn't in any crash. I'm the Orlando Easter Bunny. Google it," he claimed. "The bunny appeared to be alive," officers reported, according to the Orlando Sentinel, and they asked him to remove the costume before arresting him and transporting him to the hospital for rib and leg injuries sustained in the crash.

PEOPLE WITH ISSUES A mystery was solved on Jan. 22 in Natick, Massachusetts, when police arrested Andrea F. Grocer, 51, of Ashland, on suspicion of defecating in front of the Natick Outdoor Store eight times over the last four months. Henry Kanner, the store's owner, had reported the incidents to police in December, and officers first thought an animal might be the culprit—until they found "toilet paper and other wipes," Natick police spokesperson Lt. Cara Rossi told The MetroWest Daily News. Some of the incidents had been recorded by surveillance video, but police hadn't been able to identify a license plate. During extra patrols of the parking lot, they spotted Grocer at 6:51 a.m. as she prepared to leave her mark again, police said. "I have no idea who she is," Kanner said, adding that he knows of no connection she has with the store. Grocer's lawyer described her as a "pillar of the community."

•Now-retired high school English teacher Jeffrey S. Churchwell, 60, of Elkhorn, Wisconsin, apologized to Walworth County Sheriff's deputies in October and admitted that he had been defecating, sometimes several times a day, since 2017 outside and on a building in the rural Natureland Park in Whitewater. The Milton Courier reported Brent Brooks of the Walworth County Highway Shop met with deputies in October about the repeated offenses, which required parks department workers to power-wash and sometimes repaint facilities, on top of picking up used toilet paper. Trail cameras recorded the man relieving himself, and deputies caught up with Churchwell on Oct. 8. When asked why, he replied, "Stupidity," according to sheriff's office reports. Churchwell was charged with disorderly conduct and was ordered to pay more than $6,000 in fines and restitution. He was put on leave from the Milton School District on Nov. 25; his retirement took effect Jan. 16.

OOPS! In June 2019, the city of Roubaix, France, proudly announced it had installed 187 solar panels to generate electricity for the city's library, and paid a local company about $113,000 for the "green" equipment. But during the installation of a wind turbine to supplement the clean energy effort in December, workers noticed the solar panels had never been connected to the library's electrical network. Oddity Central reported the panels were intended to supply about a quarter of the library's needed power, but "we realized this was not the case," admitted Alexandre Garcin, the city's deputy mayor, who did not elaborate on why it took six months to figure out the oversight.

CREEPY Houston mother Emily Madonia's nightmare began in 2015, when the Elsa (from "Frozen") doll her daughter received for Christmas 2013 began reciting lines from the movie in both English and Spanish; originally it had only spoken English. Next, the doll began speaking and singing randomly, even when her on/off switch was in the OFF position. In December 2019, Madonia threw the doll out, Click2Houston reported, but she and her husband later found the doll in a bench inside their home. So they double wrapped the doll in plastic bags and "put it in the bottom of our garbage can," Madonia wrote on Facebook. Days later, her daughter found the doll again in the backyard. Finally, Madonia sent the doll to a friend who lives in Minnesota, where it remained at press time. In the meantime, Madonia has been contacted by paranormal investigators and the Travel Channel. {in}