Yes, I Admit. I’m a Control Freak. What Can I Do?

By Barbara Pierce

Yes, I admit I’m a control freak. What can I do?

My granddaughter is starting her own business and I’m sure she can be a success. I have a lot of great ideas about what she should do and how she should do. She’s receptive to my ideas, but I’m sure I’m overwhelming her. She needs to go at her own pace and develop her own ideas.

Yesterday my sister called me, complaining about her boss and how her boss takes advantage of her and she’s so miserable, hates her job. I gave her suggestions on how to be more assertive with her boss to solve the problem. She got mad and me and hung up.

And then my brother called to complain his wife got into another accident when driving drunk. I said “She’s going to kill someone one of these days and how will you feel then?” And “You really need to leave her and her drunken drama!” He hung up.

Yes, I do have a control problem.

As the oldest, I’ve always felt responsible for them. I’ve always felt I know what’s best for them —and for my friends, child, grandchildren.

I worry about all of them. I know nobody really wants my advice. I know they do have to figure things out for themselves.

I know, with absolute certainty, that it is only when one figures out what will work for themselves, figures it out in their head, that they will make it work. If they followed my suggestions, things may not work out right. Either because they’d sabotage it or they aren’t really committed to my plan.

That’s the way we humans are wired. We try much harder when it’s our own plan. We’re more determined to make our own plans work. Yes, I can influence others, but I can’t control them. When I worked as a psychotherapist, I learned to do this skillfully. I learned to guide my clients to think through the situation in their own heads and come up with their own solution. Because we “collaborated,” they were committed to making that solution work for them. Why can’t I do this in my personal life?

How to stop being a control freak isn’t easy. Here is what I need to