IF BLACK LOVE WINS, WHY ARE SO MANY OF US LOSING

Written By: Dr. Kimberly King

If you spend any time on social media, you see #BLACKLOVEWINS everywhere. For every post that bears this positive moniker there are twice as many that disseminate toxic messages about love and relationships.

Many women are still looking for their “knight in shining armor” to save, lead and protect them. Tons of men are looking for a homemaker and a “ho” wrapped up in one. Both genders are debunking relationships altogether or vying to vet a future mate outside of their race as a way to win. Still others are choosing to blur the lines of relationships to get their emotional needs met on murky terms nuanced by ever-changing expectations.

IF Black Love Wins, then why are so many losing? Why is Black Love an enigma we have to emphasize in order to celebrate love? Let’s look at what Black Love is as a cultural entity and then I’ll unpack why this gift eludes so many who desperately want it, even though they may publicly profess the opposite. The coining of the term “Black Love” cannot be attributed to any one individual, but it has been represented in our culture across the sands of time. Black Love has been defined in current literature as “a spiritual journey that only people who are rich in melanin can experience…a love that can build an empire… a bond that goes deeper than words, gestures, praise, or adoration…a connection so strong that 500 years of oppression didn't stand a chance…the epitome of opulence, grace, and royalty… a love with such deep roots that it quite literally saved our ancestors from death and gave us life. Black love is longevity, endurance, and the constant replenishment of a well that will never run dry.

This notion of Black Love is a consistent and vibrant thread that runs through the fabric of our history; a cloak our ancestors knit for us when they dared to marry during slavery when it was illegal and life-threatening to do so.

Black Love cont'd

Written By: Dr. Kimberly King

Black Love was the impetus that spawned families in the 1930’s and 1940’s during The Great Migration. Black Love was Martin & Coretta, James & Florida, Quincy & Monica. Black Love endures, encourages, inspires, ignites, flourishes. Black Love is built on giving, building, bonding and mutual sacrifice toward a common goal. We’ve seen Black Love Win… in our families, in history, in the media, in cinema. Still so many are taking an “L”. Here are a few reasons why.

Fear remains a primary reason for the shortage of Black Love wins Real or imagined trauma blocks every attempt at loving or being loved. Even when we meet someone who checks all the boxes, they seem too good to be true. Fear births self-sabotage that renders ultimatums or impossible demands that no lover could satisfy. So, we test the intentions of our suitors and when they fail, we sulk in expected misery. Selffulfilling prophecies always come true; which is why a renewed mindset is essential to overcoming fear.

1 Still We Rise. (2017); Terrell(2021); Williams (2022 )

Self-sabotage also manifests by comparing your perfectly good relationship to others Not only is comparison the thief of joy, but you're guaranteed to set yourself up for failure by trying to emulate other couples. You can’t build a solid structure with incomplete blueprints. And let's be honest; all we know about other people’s relationships is what they show us or choose to tell us. Relationships are not meant to be cloned. Each pairing is unique and should be celebrated for that uniqueness. Borrow elements of success from the couples you observe, and tailor it to suit you and your beloved. Design your own relationship branding.