Congrats?

BY

“And there it is,” said the doctor, adding a pregnant pause (pun intended), yo r a y s heart eat o hat as hinmay, his voice visi y iverin hat as ama in

The pulsating sound filled the silent room as all three of us – the doctor, my husband Chinmay and I – stared at the monitor.

Meanwhile, I waited for the flood of emotions that, according to the gazillion English movies I’ve watched, should be rushing through my body. But there was nothing there. Zilch.

I could feel their eyes on me so out o sheer press re, I et o t a hoosh , hoping it sounded like I was too overwhelmed to respond like a normal woman who would otherwise be crying and clutching the hand of her also-crying partner.

We were quiet in the car on the way ac I t rned to him and as ed, o cried, didn’t you?”

I didn t cry, ok?” he snapped right ac I st teared p t et s not ta a o t me et s ta about you.” hat a o t me I as ed arded y o no he said, I didn t even hear a sni e rom yo

I e p ine I didn t ee a thin , okay? I know I’m supposed to bawl when I hear my baby’s heart beating. I’m going to be a terrible mother.”

Truth was, I had been feeling that way for a long time. After all, I never wanted to be a mum. My son Vivaan is what I ca a h my od, ho did this happen baby. I remember taking about five pregnancy tests before accepting that I was going to be a baby oven for the next nine months. I never cried for joy when I saw the two purple lines (10, in fact). I didn’t tear up when the sonogram showed the peanut-sized person growing inside me. I didn’t even smile when the baby kicked for the first time. In fact, it felt like something I had eaten had become alive and wanted to find a way out.

I finally admitted to myself: I had no materna instincts, aside rom st ffin my face like there was no tomorrow, over the next few months. Chinmay told me what co nt ess others a ready had e a , you’re going to be a great mum.” ppies, I so ed, ipin my eyes

Doubtful, I thought. What I didn’t know then was that the first few months after Vivaan’s birth would be equally ee in ess I o d e an a tomaton, perpetually sleepless, roused at godforsaken hours for the Milk-on-demand episodes, eating during waking hours and going back to sleep whenever I got a chance. Where did I have the time to be a mum who bonds with her baby?

When Vivaan turned five months old, though, things changed. I can still recall the day. I had just finished feeding him and as I put him down, he grabbed my finger and smiled, for the very first time. Something inside me stirred right then, and I felt like a mother for the first time. It was surreal.

But! Back to present day, for a moment. Chinmay and I were back home, watching a documentary about dogs on TV. He was smiling as dozens of puppies showed up, running helter skelter, falling over each other hen he heard a sni e He saw me crying like a child.

To this day, I don’t know if it was anger or disgust (perhaps both) on my h s and s ace as he said to me, I You cry for this? For god’s sake, it’s dogs! And you can’t spare a tear for your own baby?”

Yep, like I said. Bad mum.

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