ear'ssee

It's an unusual start to a brand newyear, writes FARZANA AHMAD

Wbat did you do on NYE?

Me,Imissed the whole shebang.Yeah,this wasa first for me. Ijustslipped into oblivion, the day went in a blur and ewYear'sEve tiptoed past without menoticing. The fireworks weren't loudenough coteasethis snoozing Janeawake.Thecelebrationsdidn't tickle meto deck up andjoin in. And whenI did cometo,theNew Yea"rwas nocso new,in factit wasa day old.Now don'tyou jump to conclusions assuming I was OUT on something! Iknow how some dirty little minds workl

OK, let me unravel thetangles andput tl1ose worms backin checan.

Here's whathappened:I wasoff on Christmas breakandhadcomfortably eased into the 'late to bed, seriously late to rise' routine, quite common this time of the year. Armrnd noon (which was dawn for me), I was deeply engrossedin a virtual realityexperiencewhereI wasstrapped to anelectric chair waiting to die. The atmosphere of my nightmarewas pregnant with suspense.Theprisonofficer stood tensely next tothe retroredtelephone ready to catch astate pardon the second it wasdelivered. I was terrified burhopeful at tl1e sametime, willing and praying for me telephonecoringin me hopeof receivinga last-minute pardon. Why I was ontheelectric chairin a strange country is a harrowing taleI'llsavefor another day. Right now,my heart waspounding,my eyestightly shut,fists clenched in nervous balls asI concentrated on my prayers, tryingtoestablishaconnection wim the Almighty. I was repenting fervently for my sins-and thoseof my forefathers' -invoking,begging, demandinganother chanceru1dwilling for theugly monstrosity of thephone to ring.The clock ticked away mournfully. 12 lvlississippi l1 J\,lississippi mocking,building up the climax to my finalcountdown. 10 9 8 God,pleaselet thephone ring 5 4

Now,God, PLEASE 3 Heart pounding in my ears,eyes throbbing with white pain, PLEASE,PLEASE GOD 2 Rrrrrrrrrrrring.

My eyes Aewopenruidtheadrenalin made mebolt om of the electric chair and straightinto tl1e woodenpillar on theside. Wham! Barn!Spin!Stars!Thebeam of my four-poster bed What??? Hang on, wasn't I strapped to thechair? Rrrring rrrrrrrring, why wasn't theprison officer answering?I turned around and banged my head on thepost again, this time with fullblunt force.l fell. onmy bed likea sequoia treestruck by lightning AsI slipped through thefingers of consciousness,I realisedoneof d1edevicesonm>7sidetable wasannouncinganincomingcall with an irritating retroriogtone1 had tl1oughtso cool just last night.

What happened next isa second, third andfiftl1 hand accotu1t of my husband, sonsandsister-in-lawrespectively.

My better half Q1elikes to clunk) foll11d me conked our,a littleon and a lot off tl1ebed as hestompedin to answer the incessant ringing. Let mementionheremat theaward for the most Annoying Caller of theYeargoes to my sister,whorefused to beignored. (She later confessedshe knewI'dprobably be asleepbutthescoop shehad on cousin wasa developingstory that justcouldn'twait. in retrospect, shedeclared, I should be tbruiking her for saving111)7 life,after aU,if the phone hadn't rungwouldn'tIhavedied on me electric chair ruiyway?) Shedoeshave apoint I guess (hear/scratch),thanks sis, owe you one!

So,coming back, Husband reported he cook one lookat thephoneand another at me. He had been headingout to the golf course,must Isleep like a log? Hechecked the caller ID ru1d almost died witl1 guilt, as he closed hiseyes,put the cordless behind his backand quickly pressedreject (you see,he likes my sister, bur notmorethan golf). Now he tutnmedas he triedto drag me back up on the bed to amorecivilized sleepingposition. More timewasted, tut mt!

TI1e light bulb finally wenton(methinks his isanenergy savingoneon delayed stare mode) whenhe rnrned m)' head and saw athin trickle of crimson oozingfrom a golf ball sizedbumpon my forehead (thereferencetogolf ball was probably unintentional but anindication of what was really on hismind).

Accordingto Husband,he immediately donnedhis '1-.facho Mao-in-Control' cape. Realisingl was tooheavy for him topull on the bed by himself,he called the kids up to help (though howmuch a m1·ee and fomyear-old could help beggars belie£).

Enter thekids running. This brings us to die third-hand account of events tl1at ensued, a slightly different version to the second-hand account. The boys swear Dad letouta bloodcurdling scream which made tl1em drop their Xbox controllers and come rushing on the double.They found

Husband clutchingthepostof our bed, swayingdangerously close to afull on drop onmein aclassic damselin distress fashion ready to swoon at the sight of blood.

What were the littleones co do?They started screaming-shoucing cryiJ1g at thetop of their ltu1gs. The commotion attracted my sister-in-law'sattention as shepaused to switch tracksonheriPodin herbedroom downstairs. Thesplit second of silence was shattered by the boys' screams. She bolted straightupstairs (she does dote on her nephews). My babies wererl1ebravest, they're my little heroes for savingmy life for the secondtime dus after-morn.

Sis-in-law quickly assessed the siniation according to herfifth person account. (EJ'e roll)She was the womanof thehour as she modestlyexplains to whoevercares to listen. Firstly, she calmed her brother down, (yeah,lookafter your own first, don't mind me, I'm only dead for all youknow,typical in-laws for you)"ShegotHusband to call theru11bulance whileshesettled thekids in theotl1erroom.Then she rushedback to tend to me.Theambulancearrived in less tl,anfiveminutes.Sis-in-law will tellyou howmud1 theparamedics admiredher level headedness and praised her appropriate responses.

I was wheeled into the hospital on a stretcher.Tests wereperformed and I was found tohavesuffered aconcussion which had sentme into a coma. It was decided by themedical experts that there was nothing they coulddo but wait for metocome around. I could wake up ina few hours or daysor montl1s.

Luckily foraU involved,I was up thenext morning,but by that time a yearhad passed and the world was welcomingthe first day of 2017.

Wow,what a start! I could onlyhope this was not a sign of thingstocome for tl1e next 364days.

""'*

"You clunk it works?" I ask my editor.

"Hmm needspolishing,butyes,"she snulesin approval as she saves the script to herUSR

The New Year's issueof WellSpunYarnis on u·ack.

Tel/Fax:0299404430

AlltypesofWorkVisas

Employer,StateSponsoredVisas

Regional SponsoredVisa(RSMS)

ReligiousWorkerVisa

Partner, De-facto, samesexvisa

EOI,AlltypesofSkillVisas

DomesticViolencePartnerVisa

CarerVisa