plahenTrump yshis hand

A humorous look at what life would be like in America under Donald Trump

byonetough guyforanotl1er.

BY LP AYER

Itis lateJanuary2017.The farnous house at .

1600on PennsylvaniaAvenue wearsatotallydifferent look. J\new shinybrassshingleatthefront gate loudlyTrumpetsto theworld whothe flamboyantnew residentis. Justpastthe maingateoneithersideof thefrontlawnare twola.rge cages,holdingcaptivetherestlessly pacingSiberian whitetigersCruzyandBushy. Itisrw11ouredthattl1erare cats are gifts to the new resident fromacertainMoscow machismo.A show of grudgingadmiration onetheless,the entireexteriorof the White House is nowfittedwitl1 streams of flashingcolouredlights; the domeis illuminatedwith mega strobelightsrivalling the bigcasinosof LasVegas.Yes,thisis nowtheworld'smost famous casino.At the PennsylvaniaAvenue entrance, tl1e beefy securityguardshave now been replacedwitl1 cheersquadchicks inskimpyskirtswaving pompomsto welcomethe Chinesehigh roUers.If the arrivinggambler isa billionaire, a fireballis fired justlike theone that follows a sixerinaT20 game.

Outsidethe gates alarge groupof Americans, mostly whites,arewavingplacards reading'Trumptriumphs.'111eyhavetheir hair colouredandcoiffuredjustlikethenew OvalOfficeoccupant.Ou01rn11beringchem isalarger mishmashof ethnicgroupswaving banners'Trump tragedy,' mirroringtheclear divideof tl1eco1mtrycausedbytl1eelection of DonaldTnm1p,foi:mer developerand casinomogul.Oops,sorry,he doesn'tlikethat wordanymore.

Besidesmakingmillions asadeveloper in NewYork,Trump's earlyambition was to own casinos outstrippingVegason theease coast.AndsohebuiltTrumpTowerand Taj MahalinAtlantic City. Now\\�th tl1eirgloss gone,\Xlash.ingtonis where theDonald will roll the dice to decide d1efutureof America, evenmeworld.

Onthesouthernsideof tl1eWhiteHouse, tl1e lush green lawns, wherevisiting world leaderswould address membersof the press in bygonedays,are now markedwimwhite Lines and pegged forsub-division to house prestigious mansions. Donald's developer DNAisnowon full display.

After agabpresidentialinaugurationchat resembled aglobalglam-fesr,mingsseem tobe movingaccordingtoplan. Bucnot forlong.Reports from secretariesof key departments like Finance,Defence,lnland Securityetc.listunexpectedproblemsarising fromhisthreecorepromises- banthe Muslims,blocktheHispanicsandbanishtl1e Indians - parroted during the campaign Arrival loungesinmanylargeairports that were oncecrammed,now look desolate Flightsfrom thel\1iddleEast have ceased altogether foUowingDonald's decision todenyentrytopeople from tl1atregion. Etihad and Emiratesdon't liketoflyempty planes,evenas spendtlu-iftsheikhsstayput duetoshrinkingoil wealth.

On tlieotl1er hand,departurelounges arepacked,witnessinga masse.xodus. Dejected withthe President'sofficeturned intoa prestige poker machine palace,pious Muslims,averseto gambling, areleavingin droves Specialprayerroomsbui.ltatmany airports,havingnotmuchusenow,are convertedtominicasinos expectingbigtime gamblers from South-EastAsia.

SmartIndiancomputergraduateswho oncesawAmericaas thesoftware meccaare headinghomewitl1manyof d1em denied HB visasandno greencardsinsightin thisonce greenerpasnu:e.TrumphasdecbredtheIT fieldas tl1epreferreddomain foronlytl1ose guyswhoareasAmericanascherrypie.

Lengtheningtheexit linesof leavers includepeople from Mexicoand countries fi.u:thersouthasHispanicsdon't command muclirespectfrom tbenewCommander-inChief. Sincetheydon'tpossesspropertravel documents,theytrudgemroughthe secret n=elstheyonceused tocomein.

Acrisismeetingisheldin tl1eSituarion Roomasmajorbanl,sand financial institutionsare grindingtoahalt, witl1 many of theirspecialist software staff havingleft theco1mtry.SamestoryatNASA,where Indians form a large partof thesea.ff,wirn spaceshuttles stuckonthelaunchpads.The President issues an urgent order tostop the flightof Indians.Backflip one

The loudestpromise made atTrump's campaign rallies-buildingawaU along witl1 Me.xicotostoptheHispanics-hascometo astandstill becauseof shortageof labour, mostof whom areilioseamigosfrom d1e adjoininghndwho, rakinglowwages,helped tobuild tl1eeconomy.Anotherpresidential edict'blockthe nmnels' goesour. Second card turnsupdud.

"\'(/illyouallowLondon'snew mayorto comein?' asks ajournalist. Donald ducks for cover.

'Heis trtm1ped,ohmyGod!' I shouc.

"CallingOLttGod;had abaddream?" mywife wakes me up. I feelsheepish.The Americanelectionisstillseveralmontlisaway.