ueen-size resolutions

The Queen, Julia Gillard and Miley Cyrus reminisce on the year thatwas and pen their hopes for the new year

Got way over (nearly a nullion) for m y Alcona cottage; taxpayers will fork our 200k a year co support me for the rest of my life and pocketed haJ f a million advan ce ro writ e a book. Now Living in m y seaside mansion lam reminiscing how 2013 turned Out 't1t1111JS honibilis' w ith misogyruscs calling me n ames, co!Jeagues colluding co ditch me and wor st of all Bill short-changed me hours afte r swearing loyalty and the front-line feminist Penny w(r) on g- footed me. There was no one around to crust. The only bloke who stood behind me was my hair stylist - nor for doing the hair though Of course, my dog coo I am spiJJi ng the bean s in my book for the 201 4 Xmas release a1Jd want it to be a b lockbuster. I need co hurry up before that crafty Kevin d oes bis book''

Therese's diary read, "If only those millions of selfies had turned out to be votes, Kev would still be king"

' : BY Z:,. LP AY ER

~,Ot up a Little later than usual and srarted cleaning LIP the debris of the pre,rious night's party on the rear deck of empty b ottles, paper p lates, left-over rubb les and other bits and pieces 1 found an innocuous brown envelope near a pot plant. From ES. I have 11 0 Eartb Sbaket as a friend or foe. I'vfaybe so me guest bad forgotten it?

Instead of ringing 50 odd people I decided co open it ro find its owner. I felt a lightning strike from above and the earth below me opening up at the same time. Signed Edward Snowden. \Xlhy me of all the people, I wonde red?

Since the ABC was snowed down by scatlung cri ticisrn for releas ing his last leak on Australia spyi ng Indonesian leaders, S n owden wanted some other 'reliable' source to do the job. Knowing that I often write t he Backchat page, be mig ht have chosen me to tell the world, a wad of New Year's reso lutions of some of t he powerful persons on this planet, the real Quee n and some reality queens. Having a cult fo llo\\>7ng for my Backchat I am 3 duty bound to tell the I.Juk readers first.

The top sheet was a parchment paper with an embossed crest in gold. The Queen in her own hand,vriting had penned, "Like the Ashes, my recent Christmas message was a lose cause. My audience once stretched from Sydney to Saskatcliewan, but has now shrunk co the E nglish shores. Even Lad y Gaga, who is no l ady, has more Facebook followers than l. Even m y tweets are not as well received as the b udgies in Fergie's (Andy's ex) books Otl1erwise 2013 bas b een goo d to m e B y George, m y Royal brood has expanded, but m y \Y./WW (\'\!orld's Wealthiest Women) ranking has gone one uocch be low that woman, the uncrowned qneeo of m y former colony considered a jewel in the crown. Hope 2014 turns o m better, only i f my horses can win J\scot".

The second was from the queen behind the Delhi ' durbar'. "It has been a rewarding 20'13. 1 am now the 12"' richest woman eclipsing Elizabeth tbanks to the fair- minded Indian masses They prefer to be ruled by anyo ne w ith a fair skin. Even m y mother-inlaw preferred me 0\7 er her native hahu I wish the H11ffingto11 Post didn't publish that I'm worth two billion. 0 f course it is all huffing and puffing since they withdrew it. I am content \Vith my lot. But only o n e s m all wisl1 for 2014. Just that old chair once my husband, mother-in -law and her father occupied in the South Block.

If Rahul, with his popularity p lummecing can't get it 1 wish Priyanka picks up that piece".

Julia GiUard's was next. "Lost the throne but made a fortune

Next one from another woman who reigned from behind tl1e s cene. Therese's diary read, ·'If only chose millions of 'selfies' h ad mrned out co be vo tes, Kev would still be lung Poor chap is busy writing lus story witb 'program matic specilicity.'

UNdeterred he is fl ying aroLmd the g lobe lobbying for some UN job UN mindful of airlines' cold sandwiches Hope 201 4 UN folds a funtte that ,vill m ake the UNgrateful Aussi es squirm for U, ceremonious ly du mp ing him. For me, of course, 2014 holds a bright fmure wich Hold e n workers lining up at m y recru.ianenc firms looking for jobs With my assets now to uclung 200 millions, mi s Rein is well 011 the way to catch up w ich that Rinehart".

:Mil ey Crrus' list popped up ne.xt. \Xlh at else is left for th is pop queen to reveal? My curiosi ty revved up ro see her stuff.

"What have you been doing in the deck so long?" my wife ye lled ouc. Hurriedl y stuffing the papers in to tl1e envelope, I sheepishly said, "Wond ering what New Year resolution should I cake?"

" Don'c spend too much time writing silly articles. That should be resolution," was her fu·sc piece of advice for the New Year.

Happy ew Year e~reryone!

Now living in my seaside mansion lam reminiscing how 2013 turned out 'annus horribilis' with misogynists calling me names, colleagues colluding to ditch me and worst of all Bill short-changed me hours after swearing loyalty and the front- line feminist Penny w(r)ong-footed me