a er e

Discovering a new technique of avoiding conversations from call centre operators has been a delightful experience

I"'BY SHERYL DIXIT

Pbone calls from call centre operators have been the bane of m y existence for some time now: They ring on my landline a t the most inapprop.riate o f times, like just before the school drop off or pick up, and invariabl) ' at mealtimes, interrnpting my daily yell to get the TV mrned off and hands washed.

A ringing phone is so mething that's hard to resist and being ted1110-challenged, I can't quite find the ' ringer off' butto n on my phone. If I do, it's likely chat I won't remember bow to rnrn it back on again. So to keep life simple, I just don't err This warped philosophy allows persistent call centre operators to try and talk to me about everything from soL'll panelling, new phone plans, cheap calls co India, sorting out n1y computer problems, and of course, invitations co free dinners and senunars.

I've tried everything from blocking m y mm1ber co pretending I can't bear them, ro just nor answering the phone after 5pm, bm I sometimes have to bow to the inevitable and endure a frustrating conversation trying co convince chem that what they're offering is of no value, or interest to me whatsoever.

But recently, 1 inadvertently came across a new weapon. The phone rang as usual at 5:1Spm qn a l'vfonday; while I was busy getting dinner organised downstairs. As the hands-free was upstairs, 1 asked my older son to answer it.

"Hello!" be bellowed into the phone, probably creating a sizeable crack in cbe caller's eardrnm. The phone was on its s peaker, so I could hear tl1e conversation.

"ls your mum l'iome?" asked a male voice, somewhat testily.

"\XThac?"

"1s - your - mum - home?"

"Vhott?" Even louder.

"Your MlJl\11. Is your mrnn home?" asked the voice, practically yelling chis tio1e.

"Hnh? Wbaat?"

"YOUR MUM!"

"My mum? 1\{y mum?" As if he had any otl1erl

"Yes, yes, your mum!"

''J can't hear you, did you say my mwn?''

"Never mind, I'll call later," was followed by the engaged tone. I had to hold onto the k.itdien counter co stop myself falling over laughing.

1 ow m y sons know cbe intricacies of how to download apps and operate my mobile phone way better than myself, bur when it comes to acmally conducting a conversation over the landline telephone, they are sadly ladting in phone etiquette. l was so delighted by the unexpected outcome of cbat call, I bad co experiment again.

Once more a few days later the phone rang, this time around 3:30pm in the mids t of their afternoon tea.

"Hello!" bellowed my son, once agam.

''Please can I speak to your motl1er, Mrs Dixit?''

"What? Ob sorry, I beg your pardon!" said my son. Now d'lis polite repartee was a result of being told off by his dad, who had inadver tently called the landline one day and bad been created co a few vociferou s '\Vbat's'. He bad tal,en pains to e.'1.--plain d1e fundamentals o f politeness, especially when communicating with unknown people over the phone, some of whom mum works wid1. Apparently some of that bad indeed, made sense.

''Please can I speak co your mother," said d1e mild female voice witl1 a distinct Filipino accent, a little louder dus time.

"Okay! Mum, d1ere's someone on the phone speaking Inclian," he said walking over co me, holding out the phone.

"Indian? \):rhat do you mean, Indian?" I asked indignantly "I've told you a hundred times, there's no such language as 1ndian'. India has over 1,500 languages that have developed over thousands of years "

"Yeah, yeal1., but she so Lmds like she's talking Indian, li.ke Punjabi or Hindi or something," be said dismissively, handing me tl1e phone.

The lady had hw1g up.

Getting my b oy co answer the phone was turning o ut to being quite an advenrnre. The next time be answered ic, the result was nnexpecred.

"Hello!" went die now- familiar bellmv.

"How are you?" asked a s uave voice.

"I'm o ka)~ how are you?" asked my SQU, polite for once. your uame?"

"I'm Sid, what's yours?"

Now this is still a hotly debated subject. D id d1ey say 'J:vlatc' or 'Bert'? Whatever it was, m y son burst out laugl'ling hysteri cally, "Buer, Butt, his name is Butt!" be yelled joyous ly and his younger brother joined in the merriment They hung up.

My editor is probabl)' tl1e only person who is impressed wid1 tl1e b oy's phone tecbnique. Possibl y because she answers his yell by saying, " Hello, Sid!" That's when the wax m ysteriously melts from lus ears and be can hear, hallelujah! When I got on the lin e after she'd had a conversation with hin1, she seemed just as impressed as 1 was surprised. I thought there might be sornecbiog wrong ,vitb m y hearing when she mentioned cbat he was 'articulate and polite'.

Bue now, like most kids of tl'lis precocious generation, his nearly nine- year- o ld brain has figured out d1at he's being asked to do a chore, i e. answer the phone. Requests of money for doing the cask being rejected, he bas now started ignoring the rings, or he picks up the receiver when the person has hLmg up out of frustration.

I'm now chinking of enlisting the younger o ne to the task, particularly because be has h is own charming brand of eccentricity cbar lies only within cbe comprehension o f close famil}c H e has 'op p osite' days and 'repeat' days, among otl1er strange and hilarious traits Like wishing people 'Happy Birtl1da/ when it's d1e New Year, and vice versa. I can just iniagine the conversations.

"Hello!"

"Goodbye," he would say ''\Xlhat?"

"Goodbye! See yo u later!" " Bur. but can l speak co yonr n1w11?''

"No!" and he would hand me cbe pho ne.

B y which time, the poo r confosed caller would have hwig up. Another conversation would go like dus:

"Hello, how a.re you?"

"Hello, bow are;•011?"

'Tm fine tl1ank you, how are you?" the confidenr voice would respond, happy to come across a polite child.

'Tm fine thank you, bow are _you?"

"Errm, can I speak co yo ur n1w11?'' w ww.in d ia n li nk.co m. au

"Errm, can I speak tO)'0lll' n1wi1?"

"No, no, YOUR mum!"

''Yes, yes, YOUR mum!" be would say, reverting to his 'opposi te' avatar.

Ac d'lis point I would take the phone from l'lim, and if d1e caller is still o n tl1e line doubting their sanity, I would take at lease a couple of minutes to acntally listen co tl1eir selling spiel. They would need convincing that the \vorld is, as they know it, a normal place. So d1.ar tl1ey could hang up and confidently move to the next caller you, I hope!