Ask Auntyji

Dear Auntyji

I am in so much trouble with my family, and all because I was trying to do the right thing. Can you please help me, Aunty? I am from a very traditional Punjabi family. My parents were farmers in Punjab. They came here and set up a shop 20 years ago and have done very very well for themselves. However, they are still very very traditional. They insisted that all five sisters go back to India to find nice Punjabi men, and we have all done that - fortunately, and surprisingly, quite successfully. Now when it comes to my 26-year-old brother, my mother insists she will find a nice desi kudi. But anyway, my best friend, Ashley, who is Australian and whom I love like my sister, has fallen in love with my very good looking, very intelligent and affectionate little brother. They have been seeing each other for a year now, and as much as I would love Ash for a sister-in-law, I know it won’t be happening any time soon. I asked my brother if he was interested in marrying Ashley, and he was surprised, saying he had not thought about and probably not, as she was not a Punjabi. I was quite distressed to hear this, as I love both these individuals alike. So two weekends ago, Ash started talking about beautiful inter-racial babies and said that her babies with Dev would be absolutely gorgeous. I nearly choked on my channa bhatura, and decided to bite the bullet and consequently, I blurted out, well, that won’t be happening any time soon. Yes, it was cruel and inappropriate, and I regret it sincerely. Ash was ferocious, but not as livid as my brother. They are both very angry with me. But what I don’t understand is my mother’s rage. It appears to me that she is upset because Dev is upset, and not because of what I said. Yes, she is angry with me for making Dev unhappy. I fail to understand the dynamics here: my old-fashioned mother should be pleased that I did the dirty work for her. In any case, how do I fix the problem, Aunty? Can you help me?

Desi bahu or Aussie kudi?

Auntyji says

Arre, meri pyaari bachchi, you can take the farmer out of Jalandhar, but you can never take Jalandhar out of the farmer. I too wonder about your mother’s misplaced anger, but who knows what makes mothers from Punjab act so strange where their ladlas are concerned. You don’t have many options left, I’m afraid, my dear. You need to go into damage control.

But first, before you do so, you need to cast aside any thoughts that you know what will happen in the future. Just because you mother wants a desi bahu does not mean it will happen. Just because Dev says he won’t marry Ash, it won’t necessarily be the way things eventuate. The only thing you can control and change is yourself. So tell yourself that there are four adults in this picture, and each is responsible for their own behaviour. It’s no longer your problem what happens between Ash and Dev, but you will be there to support both. So start off with making amends with Ash. Tell her how wrong you were and how you should not have made that hurtful remark, and that in future, you will never make such claims again. Then you will need to do whatever you have to, to win back her trust and affection. She is after all, your best friend. Then, go to Dev and apologise and tell him too, that you won’t interfere in his personal mamla. Tell him that you will be the mindless, gutless puppet that he wants you to be. Actually, don’t say this, it won’t help you. Just beg his forgiveness and say you were acting out of a love for the both of them. If Dev forgives you, then all will be well, and you don’t have to say anything to your mother. Then when all is forgiven and everyone is nice to you again, sit back and watch and wait for the events to unfold. See, sooner or later everything will fall apart, and if you feel like, you can rise like Kali and say I told you so. But in the meantime, play it cool. Get their forgiveness and stop judging and controlling. Let your mother be the expert on that. You, just be the loving sister and friend who will pick up the pieces of a broken heart or two. Just don’t let it be yours. Samajh mein ayee baat?

On beautiful people

Dear Auntyji

I have an unusual problem I needed your help with. My 24-yearold brother, who was an overweight, pimply nerd throughout school and university has morphed into such a beautiful young man that I have seen girls do an actual double-take when they see him on the street. He is seriously very good looking. But it appeared that until recently, my affectionate, pyara sa chhota bhai was oblivious to this fact. However, last month, I saw all this change before my very eyes. My bhaiya came to visit us, and as he was leaving, he caught sight of his reflection in the hallway mirror. He did a double-take, and stood there with his mouth open for a few minutes, just staring at himself. I then saw the dawn of realisation in his eyes as he finally understood that he had joined the privileged ranks of the beautiful peoples. Now Aunty, I know all this because it too happened to me when I turned 24. It was tough, because I realised at that time that beauty is a transient thing, but one must be a good human being first and foremost. It must be a family thing because we all seem to turn from ugly ducklings into stunning swans - it happened to my sisters and cousins. Anyway, each time I see my brother, he is as affectionate and as loving as ever, but he is constantly looking at himself in the mirror and taking pictures of himself with his iphone, with a familiar bewildered gaze as if to say, what the hell happened here, dude. So my situation is this. Should I say something to my little laddoo? Or should I leave him alone to reflect further on his own glory?

I want him to know that good lucks don’t solve problems and if anything, can create more issues. I want him to know that women will now treat him differently, but he must learn to discern between true friends and those that want to glow in his reflected glory. I want him to know that being a good human being is more important than khoobsoorati. What to do, Aunty, tell me, na?

Auntyji says Arre, shaitaan! Waala hawal waala kuat! What for do you want to take panga with a decent man who is advocating a good life? Has he imposed his rules on you, such as not to eat fish, not to talk to gair mard, or to be in purdah? Tho what business is it of yours to be bothered by the accessing of wisdom in his middle twilight? Leave your bhaiya alone - from what I can see, you zaleel bhahen, you behaya besharam, you need to take some advice from your brother. Why would you even think of spiking his nimbu paani with vodka, you churail? Just be glad that your brother is acquiring wisdom. Life is not all hahahehe, so look towards your bade bhaiya for some akal, and listen to his words. What he speaks is the truth, and is providing good counsel. Of course, if he goes all pirbaba on you and says you need to be in purdah, then write back to me - because that is taking things too far.

Do you know a super special mum out there in the community who deserves the title?

Mothers are those special people who are always there for you, no matter how many tantrums you have, or if you don’t eat your greens.

That’s why, at Indian Link we would like to invite nominations for our inaugural Indian Link Mother of the Year Award 2013 from the subcontinent community. If your mother, wife, sister, friend, or anyone you know is a very special mum, you may want to nominate her for this award.

How to enter?

Tell us in 300 words or less why your nominee should win. Include photographs of the nominee, and any supporting documents.

Email entry to: win@indianlink.com.au

Get your entry in by 5pm on April 24th, 2013 Prize?

The award-winning mother will receive special prizes, including $500 from Indian Link.

The award winner will feature in the May-1 edition issue of Indian Link, as well as on Indian Link radio.

Criteria for nominations

The nominee must be currently living in Australia as a Permanent Resident or an Australian citizen.

The nominee must be of Indian or South-Asian origin. The nominee must have certain special qualities that make her stand out from the crowd. Employees, as well as friends and family of employees of Indian Link cannot enter the competition.

We look forward to seeing your nominations!