Ask Auntyji

Dear Auntyji

Happy new year to you! I am a 45 year old professional man, and am happily married and have a loving family. For the last two years however, something has been bothering me and I wanted to tell someone about it. My wife is the loveliest woman I know. She is intelligent, and a good mother. Plus she is very attractive. But Auntyji, her social media habits are now beginning to get my goat. Every time I look around, there she is, uploading inane comments on her Twitter account, or on Facebook. Now me, I think the whole social media thing is over-rated and is only for superficial people with too much time on their hands. Sheyani, however, loves social media - making a complete mockery of her intelligence during the process (she has two post graduate degrees and is CFO at an ASX 500). I have noticed that Sheyani posts messages that grate on me - for example, she writes about how peeling the onions make her eyes water. Or how the trees swaying in the breeze remind her of Haryana or how palak paneer is just so tasty, nah? These posts are so banal and utterly asinine that I am beginning to think my wife is becoming an idiot. What to do, Aunty? I have not said anything about this to her, but it seems that all her friends are of the same ilk - discussing Ash’s weight gain, Bilal Bhutto’s Hena and other items of human interest. How do I tell my wife that these items are not doing her any justice, and she sounds like all the mindless clones we see when we go shopping. Am I the one who needs to change here, Auntyji, and if so, why do I need to lower my expectations of a lofty ideal? Must I continue to be surrounded by fools and idiots? Please help me.

Auntyji says

Happy new year to you too, my dear friend. Oh, how I sympathise with you! How I totally understand your plight. I too am most bothered by social media - hence you will not see me twittering, even though of all people out there, I should be the one with a twitter account, because as Lord Ganesh only knows, I actually have something insightful to say. So what’s your solution? Well, the important thing here is that you still love your wife and you are not planning on leaving her on account of her telling sari duniya through Twitter that pyaaz makes her ankhen water. Further, she is a CFO and has therefore probably managed all the family finances, and divorce is definitely not on in your best interests. Granted your spouse’s social media habits should not be a valid reason for contemplation of divorce, but I am trying to be real. So, here is your solution. And this is working on the assumption that you don’t want to tell Sheyani that she is no Ghalib therefore she should confine her bovine rumination to a glass of scotch. So, stop reading her social media posts. Don’t read her Twitter explosives, and don’t be sadly eyeing her comments on Facebook. Just ignore all her posts. In fact, I am even surprised you have Facebook and Twitter accounts - if you are so bothered by social media. Close these accounts, and you can easily live in the delusion that your wife is a CFO with ideals loftier than yours and she never even contemplates anything as trivial as sabzi. See, this is definitely a win-win for all. And if Sheyani asks why you did this - tell her the truth. That the banality of the comments you were reading made you despair for the human race, and in order to ensure you were no longer bored to the point of committing suicide, you thought it would be best for all if you stopped reading social media. I am sure your elitist snobbery will grate on her just enough for her to think about her next post. Problem solved!

Dear Auntyji

I am a 28-year-old girl and I have two brothers interested in me. One is a doctor and the other a lawyer. Both are extremely good looking, and the nicest boys you could hope to meet, from a very very good family. We all went to university together - but it’s only in the last year that we got close to each other. But now, things are becoming quite serious and Nicky and Vicky both have asked me on dates and both have expressed their love for me, although not at the same time of course. My issue is that I do not know which brother I like enough to want to marry - they are both so good. In fact, I would marry both, like Draupadi, if I could. But seriously Auntyji, mujhe help kijiye nah. I don’t know which brother to go with. Vicky the doctor is energetic and does sky diving and goes to Thailand once a year to help build houses for poor people and mentors young people in Australia. Nicky the lawyer dedicates his weekends to provide legal aid at a community centre, writes poetry and is intense and quietly passionate. I don’t want to cause issues in the family, but I am very much undecided about what to do. Sometimes I think Nicky is jealous of Vicky when I go out with him. And the most interesting thing is that I am not that good looking, Auntyji, compared to my friends, but both boys say they love my personality. Meanwhile, my parents are pressuring me as well to get married, saying I will be a buddhi on the shelf if I do not make up my mind. Auntyji, boliye nah, mai kya karoon? Also, I must admit that I do love this attention from both brothers - it is so intoxicating. And it is quite nice to watch the look of jealousy on Vicky’s face when he knows I am going out with Nicky.

Auntyji says

Oh you besharam! Behaya! You kali kalooti - have you no shame whatsoever in playing with the emotions of two brothers - whose hearts are as pure as their youthful skins are unblemished? You are due for a comeuppance, my girl, and let me tell you how. You’ve heard of karma, right? Well, a girl who comes between two brothers, and enjoys this, will come back as the black, one-eyed servant of the second wife of one of the brothers in their next life. This is definitely your future in your agla junum. How can you be so callous, so nasamajh so as to enjoy the attentions of two brothers at the same time? There is no winner in this situation and you are such an akl ki dushman that you don’t even see this. Sooner or later the brothers will realise that having you in the family will only cause strife - because one brother will lose you as a wife, but will gain you as a sister-in-law. The dynamics of the family will change, and if you have a saas like the ones on ZeeTV, then things will only get worse. Tell me this. What happens when you choose one brother? How will the other one feel? I’m sorry, girlie, but you are too pagal to realise that you will end up with neither brother - because they will come to their senses soon enough, but more importantly, the reason they are of a good family is because they have strong parents, who will certainly be told of the situation and will not want to have this toxicity, this kalankani in their house. So, enjoy the situation while you can - it is destined to end soon. And because I am wise, and also because I too don’t want to come back as a spotted dog with rabies in my next life, it is my duty to give you good advice. You must immediately stop seeing both brothers from a romantic point of view. Make a choice of the brother you want, and then tell the other of your sentiments. If he is heart broken, then I’m sorry to say that it would be in everyone’s interest for you to stop seeing both brothers and let time heal all wounds before you approach the chosen brother romantically again. It would be great if you could arrange to go overseas for a while, so that the situation can resolve itself without you around, complicating matters. In that time, one of the brothers would hopefully move on. And if both move on, then, this was to be. After all, the universe always evens the balance. By the way, any woman who enjoys jealousy between two brothers is a person with no moral fibre. You, my dear, are a churail, I have to admit.