Building self-confidence and resilience

An effort should be made in understanding children's awareness of themselves when tackling esteem and self- worth issues

Parents and educators often assert that they would like children to have a heal thy self- esteem and to be resilient in t he face of change and uncercaint)'. 'Self-esteem is a nebulous concept and it is more probable that parents and educators use the term to inilicate that they want their children co have confidence and a belief in !heir own abilities In practice this should be seen when a child shows determination when faced with difficul ty, who will make repeated efforts to master so m ething when failure has been experienced, and who will also know when to scop if something is not quite working out.

Encouragement

le is often assumed th at encow-agement is all diat is required co build a heal thy selfconcept. Praising a chi ld can be very appropriate in reinforcing desired behaviow-. However in my experience, over- praising a child is acmally counterproductive for several r easo n s. Firstly, overpraising gives a child no room to grow. After all, from w he re can a child grow? "Tha t is SO awesome and I am numb ,vith amazement''. Sec ondly, too much praise can make a child seek outs ide affirmation a nd can actually reduce d1e capacity for child to develop their own personal standards against which to strive. ThirdJy, over praise tends co focus on wbat i s clone (the outcome), rather tha n o n how achieve m ent feels. Thus, the outcome can be affirmed when che processes matter more.

A more confidence- building approach to encouragem e n t would take the fo rm of noting elements of performance and ilie journey. Thus, acknowl edging effort ili rough observa tions suc h as: "I notice that when you try your best you seem most happy?" or " It is good to do well and I can see yo u are happy. What makes me happy is ilia c you are p leased wicl1 your effort."

Sometimes what appears to be enco1u-agement can actua.lly be quite destructive imp lied criticism. This is particul arly the case when ilie prompt co enco urage comes from a parent o r teacher's desire to have their own values and standards imposed on another.

So, for example, a well-meaning parent m ay encourage hours o f study o r revision to in stil an understanding of academic excelle n ce and success

Howe\7 er, some children str uggle academically and may feel like ilie 'encouragement' pl aces iliem under pressure. Worse, it can actually undennine the child's sense of worth because they will always fee l not good en ough ] meet so man y children who are far behind thei r eyes because cl1ey are noc like their acad emically h igh achieving o lder (or younger) brother or sister.

Articulating the struggle for cl1e child is a good foundation al step in building a sen se of understanding a n d empathy. After all, children who understand cl1emselves are like ly to b e l ess s el.f-critical and more self-aware Th.is i s intrinsic to feelings of self-confidence and self-worth

In mis way a child can learn what d1ey find hard and then learn co manage strategies around dealing with th ings they find difficul t.

Friendships

One significant area where self esteem and inn er confidence can be built arises in cl1e realm of friendships. All pa.re nts and educators know mat friend s hips come and go, cl1ey change and cl1ey can be a somce of great happin ess and sometimes also great pain.

If a child asserts that they are ex clud ed from a friendship g roup it is common for a parent or teacher to reassure them by saying, "Just cry harder" or

"Friendships don't matter" o r even "If you show initiative and be confident they will follow". l one of these statements actually emboilies dl1Se listening or understanding A response like "So m etimes you feel le ft our and d1at makes you feel a b it lonely" is more like ly to foster a sense in ilie c h ild cliac ilie adult understands cl1em lt may also lead to tears. Protective parents and teachers may be more interested in solving the problem cl1ac being sciJJ with feelings and managing tears. Tears howe,1er, dry

Unformn acel y, a focus on solving me probl em generally app lies logic and rationalisation and misses d1e feelings aspect, d1us undermining a child.

U ndermining a nd non -validation can last much longer

This 1)1)e o f listening articu lates and normalises feelings and is bas ic co validating a child It a lso gives the children an oppornmity to further refine cl1e ir own values, thoug h ts and feelings around cl1e issue

Parents and teachers may ask, " But doesn't this simply instil in the child a sense of n egacivi1:y?" After all, articul ating feeli ngs of being left out and lonely sound s all very negative. Th e reality is, in fact, o cl1erwise. Starting with what is real means chat ilie child can learn to articulate at least what is happening v;rithin iliem. This is esse ntial as self-understanding buil ds self-awareness and also confidence. le also leads to a better understanding of others

After a child knows they a.re und erstood , a discussion abouc inclu sion and friendships can be broadened. ln cllis way, the issue can be dealt wi th, whilst boosting cl1e child and increasing t heir independence and capac ity co understand.

Learning to fail

Learning co 'fail' can be a significam source o f learning, maturing and growth Both self confidence a n d resilience ('stickability') can be nurtured in an environment where the process matters ac lease as much as cl1e produce. Setting goals and challenging oneself to achieve them can place a child under pressure to perform. Goals can bring out the best in us, can encourage focused effort and a lso bring atte nti on co helping a person be cl1eir best. In doing so, a person l earns abouc himself.

When a goal is sec buc not acllieved , i t is often cha racterised as 'failure' or rationalised through exc u ses a nd logic. But cl1e real feelings of disappointment need to be articulated and felt rather than snppressed, as otherwise there can be significam emotional b locks to caking a risk a n d trying. 1n cl1i s way, achievement and effort can be understood and resilience bu.ilt. Following articulation , pa.rents and teachers can guide the child through the self- talk required for restoration. Thus, m oving from "Somecin1es ic can be ilisappointing when we miss out on something we wa n e" (articulation of feelings) to " If yo u we re to give it anod1er go, what would yo u do differently and h ow could I support you wicl1 that?" (resili ence and support).

An approach like ili is makes non-achievemenc of goals less likely to be perceived as failure, and much more likely tO be a learning and confiden ce- building experience. As children get co know d1emselvcs, cl1ey can gee bett er at setting go al s and learning how to adj ust to changes, and iliey can focus o n the process of achievement, rather cl1an purely on the o utcomes

In summary

We all wane children to learn to be independent, confident and resili ent. These notab le qua.Ii ties are built through the way cl1e normal stuff of life i s m an aged Too ofte n parents and educators bring a rational, linear and logical app roach co solvi ng prob lems and being suppo r tive. Howeve r, often well -meaning support is misplaced and actually undermin es the child

Scarring with the child and affirming chem for who cl1ey a re is likel y to build self-esteem, self- understanding and feeling of confidence. Nloreover, a focus on the m eans and processes helps children co integrate feelings and mus understand themselves whilst also learning abom the namre of adlievemeot and resilience