Ask Auntyji

Dear Auntyji

Pending break-up

i am a 47-year-old fiji indian woman. My husband died tragically in a swimming accident 10 years ago. i came to australia 2 years later. i met this man, also from my country, where i was working. he was separated from his wife and we had an affair. 2 years ago he filed for divorce and promised me a life with him. When time came for him to pay his wife the divorce settlements, he realised he wouldn’t be able to afford the extra debt on his home mortgage.

so he began to prepare me for a break up, just in case he gets bankrupt. We are still together and very much in love. though i never lived with him, i used to see him every weekend for eight years. now, his friends have introduced him to a much younger woman, 30 years old and a registered nurse in Melbourne. they email each other but haven’t met yet. he says to me she is ready to help him out, so i ask him, what about me? he said he doesn’t have a choice but to dump me. i’m heart broken, auntyji. first i lost my husband, now i’m going to lose him. i have three grown up kids who knew about us and approved of him. now what do i tell them? at my age i can’t keep on getting in and out of affairs, please tell me what is my fault and what should i do? he doesn’t want me to go yet, but what happens when she comes over to see him? he says to me if it didn’t work out between them, he will come back to me. i’m very confused and depressed, have lost my sleep and appetite and cry every night. auntyji, please help me. i want to move on but can’t. do you think he really has a financial problem or is it because she is a younger woman? i feel like i’m so old and worthless, though my family and friends tell me constantly i look much younger than my age.

Auntyji says oh my poor gulabo, my jalebi, my little besan ki burfi not to worry, i have a solution for you. But first, thank you so much for writing to me and telling me about your situation. i am bahut sad aap ki dhuk bari kahaani sun ke. But, not to worry. i will try to help you. But first, let me give you a little history lesson. you are from fiji. from what i know about the history of your people, no doubt your own nani, dadi, par dadi par dada etc, these people were influenced, potentially even tricked into coming to fiji. once they landed there, they were forced to work in the blazing hot sun from dawn till dusk. they were paid a pittance, and worse, the men and women were abused by overseers. these ancestors called this time of their lives “narak” and they vowed that they would not let their own children go through the hell that they did. Consequently, the descendents of these girmitiyas got an education and are today living a much better life. now, the point i am trying to make is this. you are the descendent of a hardworking, sturdy stock of people who dealt with their problems and made a better life for themselves. they stood proud and strong and did not let their dukh break their himmat you are the product of people who triumphed against the odds. so, all the issues that you have faced, and are facing today, you will overcome. Himmat badhao aur aghe chalo first, you are 47 years old. To kya? age is not that important – don’t use this as an excuse for what is happening to you. you have raised three children mostly on your own so you are a strong, wise, himmatwali aurat and you must have lots of other good attributes, otherwise, why else is this admi so interested in you. it’s true that you have suffered from pain in your life – but these were things outside your control.

But, today, you need to take back control of your life. here is what i have understood from your email. you have a man who is stringing you along. he has issues – financial and otherwise. he seems to want to have his jalebi and eat it too. he is liaising with another much younger woman and has said that he will come back to you if it does not work out for him and her? Kaunchi? Yeh kaisa behuda, kitna ghatiya, baat hai? you need to listen to that song that sharmila tagore sang in Daag: Jab bhi jee chahe nayi duniya basa le te hain log. you too will empathise with her dard, and then samajh me aajaye ga ki koi koi admi ekdum bekhar hote hai. so, this man is not good for you. i t seems as though he is keeping you on standby – while he sees what better opportunities are for him around the corner. you have more dignity than that. at the moment, you think this man loves you and you want only him and there is rona dhona going on each night in your takiya you must absolutely put a stop to this. What gives this man the right to treat you like that? Would you like a man to treat your daughter like that? if the answer is no, then why should you allow yourself to be treated like this? he is not the only man in puri duniya i suggest to you, himmat badhao, aur socho – why should you put up with this tamasha? you need to be strong and say you deserve better than this. then, aapne dil pe pathar rakh ke bolo ki hum nai mangtha ye musibat so tukhurao the man. Let him go back to his chikni 30-year-old chameli and we will see what happens to him when she makes pudina ki chutney out of him. in the meantime, if you learn to respect yourself, sooner or later, a nice, decent achcha admi will come into your life. someone who loves and respects you. someone who will have your best interests at heart. But please bahen, you must put a stop to all the duhk in your life. you don’t deserve to be unhappy. i t is better to be alone than to have an abusive man in your life – and yes, he is abusing you. Can you please write to me and tell me what you do? then maybe, we can go together to naseem baheni’s house for eid.

Dear Auntyji

namaste, auntyji. i’m 16 and mujhe pyaar hogya hai..... well, it’s probably just a teenage crush. he and i are good friends. i have tried everything to woo him, but it didn’t work and i’m really too scared to tell him directly. What do you think i should do, auntyji?

Auntyji says you are indeed a wise young lady to write to me, because as everyone knows, auntyji is totally fair in love and war, and auntyji has been around the block so many times that she fully stands behind whatever advice she doles out! now, i can see, you have a crush and this romeo of yours is dishy and has the best hair and is just so dashing when he smiles like that, na? yet he is so ignorant of how you feel. not to worry, pehle pehle pyaar me aisa hi hota hai now, the question to ask yourself is this: aap kya chahti hain? do you like doing darshan to your Majnu from afar, or do you actually want reciprocation? there is nothing wrong with one-way infatuation, as long as you’re happy with this innocent state of affairs. this way, your romeo can be your dream boy and does not have to have bad breath or garlicky Bo or an irritating way of calling you babydoll. however, if you want to make this real, then, himmat badhao and aage chalo go and tell your romeo how you feel. Life is short, and you may as well take a chance. if he totally disrespects you or tells you that he has a little shania on the side that he has been seeing, then what the hell, at least now you know. o f course, he could be totally gobsmacked that a saucy little minx like you has shown interest in him, and he will be all delighted in which case, i fully expect an invitation to your wedding and the naming rights to your firstborn. Wait, i’m getting ahead of myself. you are after all, 16, and your parents will probably want to declare a fatwa on me because i am leading their little chandramukhi astray. ok, here is my message to you. you must take your parents’ guidance on this – because their values must also be your values. if they are on the strict side and do not want you to have a boyfriend, then adore your romeo, but don’t tell him anything. o therwise, you know what will happen, na? you will tell him your feelings, then he will reciprocate, you two will sing a few songs and dance around trees and then your parents will cause a major tamasha and before you know it, you will have a genuine filmi love story from the ‘60s, ‘70, ‘80s and ‘90s on your hands. Like Love Story or Teri Kasam and while your parents may have thought these movies were great, they certainly didn’t intend to have their daughter live the story decades later. yes, it was alright when it was Poonam dhillon and Kumar gaurav, but not ok when it’s their ladli. you get my message, na? however, if your parents are liberal and you have verifiable evidence that they are ok with you having a boyfriend (such as your sister being allowed to have one, or they ask you pointed questions about boys, but be wary, this could be a trap) then by all means, rejoice in all the freedoms that you have that all your Bangladeshi and Pakistani sisters wish they did, and tell romeo how you feel. Besides, how else will you learn to cope with life’s lessons unless you take chances. remember all that i have said, think deeply, take guidance from mummy aur daddy, then like vatan ke rakhwalon, badhe chalo. Hamaare ashirvaad aap ke saath hain.