V-Day is me-day

I couldn’t quite see what she was complaining about, she had no dearth of boyfriends. “Mark and I used to walk along the beach at sunset, holding hands…” she reminisced dreamily.

“Mark?” I asked, a tad sharply.

“Yes, Mark! My boyfriend,” she said impatiently, “You’re not listening!”

“But you said ‘Brett’..,” I replied confusedly.

“Oh yeah, must have been him,” she said. Couldn’t blame her though, she went though boyfriends at the rate most people change their underwear. “What am I going to do? All my friends will be celebrating with their boyfriends! I’ll be sooo lonely! I’ll have to listen to Adele!”

“Do you have a mirror?”

“Why, do you need to check for nostril hair?”

Grant me patience!

“Look into it,” I urged, after she’d pulled out a hand mirror cleverly disguised as an iPhone.

“I can only see me,” she complained after a minute of gazing at herself and retouching her lipstick.

“Precisely!” I said, taking the mirror to quickly check my upper lip.

“So what?”

“You see the one you love the most, get it?”

The Brett in question had been dating her for about six months before they decided that it wasn’t quite working out. Now I’m not great at Maths, but even I could figure out that the coordinates here weren’t quite right. Not that I could stop her with petty logic when she was on a roll!

“Valentine’s Day is for lovers! You’re supposed to spend it with the one you love, or it’s not special,” she sighed. “You buy something nice for the one you love, you spend the day together, you’ll enjoy a romantic dinner… I’m going to miss all that!”

You buy something expensive, you’ll book into parallel massages at some expensive spa and have dinner at an overpriced restaurant – and think its romantic, thought the cynic in me.

I thought for a moment, and the ole brain didn’t let me down, but instead, came up with a corker! “Why don’t you spend Valentine’s Day with the one you love the most,” I said.

“Duuuh,” she replied rudely, continuing in that irritating singsong tone that younger people seem to think drives home a point. “That’s what I’m say-ing, you’re not lis-ten-ing!”

“Okay,” I replied, quickly sitting on my hands to stop myself from assaulting her. “Whom do you love the most?”

“Dunno…my dog?” The creature looked more like a cat than a dog, but I wasn’t going to digress.

“And who else?” I insisted. She got this look on her face, a kind of vacant, dreamy expression which lasted for a good part of a minute. Worried that I’d lost her, I interrupted the look to ask a practical question.

It took slightly longer than an energy-saving bulb to charge up to complete wattage, but finally the light shone forth in all its glorious brightness.

“Yes,” she said with the air of one making a wonderful discovery.

“I love myself!”

“So instead of the gift you were planning to get him, get yourself one. Instead of taking him out to dinner, stay home with some great takeaway. Instead of filling his ears with meaningless nothings, catch some unsuspecting friend on Facebook’s chat and discuss philosophy of life or the Kadarshians!” I said enthusiastically.

“That’s a great idea,” she said.

“I’ll be in love with myself. In fact, I’ll get in touch with some of my girlfriends who don’t have boyfriends. We can make a night out of it!”

I smiled smugly, and just as I was getting ready to leave she said, “It’s funny how you thought of that. Maybe it’s because you’re old and have no romance in your life, what with having kids and all.”

I didn’t quite see the connection, but hey, I’m out to prove her wrong with a vengeance. This Valentine’s Day is going to see a new, romantic me. I’m going to plan it well, chalking out the time, place and programme. It’s going to be at 2pm so that the kids are at school. The venue will be this speciality chocolate boudoir. On the dot, I’m going to walk in, get my order and sit at a table in the darkest corner of the shop. Then I’m going to look longingly at my deliciously thick, gooey, calorie-filled, double icing slice of chocolate mud cake, and I am going to say with utmost and complete sincerity, “I love you!” Happy Valentine’s Day!