Ask Auntyji

a while, but Della Bosca doesn’t seem to be having fun at the moment – the younger ladies sure can be sneaky! Hell hath no fury … etc etc, especially a younger woman with too much imagination and not a lot to lose. When choosing your younger woman, make sure that she’s not the vengeful type, because when it ends badly, you don’t want to end up like the politician who didn’t know when to quit when he was ahead.

Dear Auntyji

My mother-in-law has been on “holiday” and staying with us for the past 11 months. What started as a 4 week trip turned into almost a year of butting in and insults under her breath. Nothing is ever good enough for her – she berates me all the time and has even started doing it in front of my kids. How do I get rid of her?

Dragon-lady Killer, Campbeltown

Dear DL Killer

There are many messy ways to get rid of her. We have to ensure she is so annoyed by you that she digs her own grave. Little things can often turn into mountains. Do all kinds of annoying things in front of her. Scratching yourself is always a sure way to annoy any woman, including a mother-inlaw. Sniffing, snorting and gargling are all good options too. Be very careful, though, not to indulge any of your annoying habits in front of other family members, or you’ll be caught out. At the same time, take your wife out to romantic dinners and be the best husband you can be. Spend time with your kids and win everyone in the family over with your most charming self. And finally, while alone with your mother-in-law, make lewd comments about other women, which of course no one will be ably to verify except the crazy lady who’s imagining things.

Dragon Lady will start complaining about you to your wife, who will be blissfully unaware of anything. She’ll start seeing your mother-in-law for the whining, nitpicking and unfriendly person that she is and will start defending you. This will drive the wedge between them that will ensure mommy-in-law is kicked out sooner than she can say “put the seat down”. While this happens, be very supportive of your wife and play the trump card: offer to pay for therapy for the old girl – this will ensure that Dragon Lady not only leaves, but won’t be back soon. And then you can live happily ever after...

Dear Auntyji

I’m going bald...very quickly! My wife doesn’t seem to mind, but I’m devastated! No one else in my family looks like a billiard ball except me and my brothers and friends are teasing me all the time. I laugh along, but I really wish I can do something about it.

Shiny Head, Liverpool Dear Shiny Head

It comes in very handy – when your wife needs to fix her makeup, she can just tilt your head so that she can see herself. When your baby cries, just shine some lights on your head and that will keep her busy for hours. Single friends can check their teeth in your shiny head before talking to girls.

A lot of girls think bald men are sexier. It’s all about confidence! If you can be confident with no hair, then girls wonder what you else you have hidden that’s making you so confident.

There are always the treatments you can try. If it’s good enough for Shane Warne, then you might as well try it. Who knows what it will do for your cricket game, or your sms-ing skills...

Some old wives’ cures are rubbing olive oil and ginger on your head, first thing in morning. Or sleeping with a wet cloth over your head. Uncleji actually, has had a yoghurt wash every alternate Tuesday for the past 45 years, and his head is filled with more hair than mine.

Whatever you decide to do, wear it with a smile – if your forehead goes all the way down to your back, you cannot afford to have frown lines.