Imperishable Beauty Spring Summer Journal - Issue 002

JOURNAL VOLUME 002

SPRING/SUMMER 2019

PREVAIL THE SPRING/SUMMER ISSUE

2

CONTENTS 04

DEFYING FEAR AND LIES

08

HEALING STARTS WITH VALOR

13

A BANNER FOR THE BROKEN

18

FORGIVENESS IS THE HIGH ROAD

24

MAKING IT BACK TO SHORE

30

PRAYER: THE JERICHO MARCH

36

BEAUTY STARTS IN THE HEART

3

Defying Fear and L

4

Lies “B

e careful that you never allow your hearts to grow cold. Remain passionate and free from anxiety and the worries of this life. Then you will not be caught off guard by what happens. Don’t let Me come and find you drunk or careless in living like everyone else. For that day will come as a shocking surprise to all, like a downpour that drenches everyone, catching many unaware and unprepared. Keep a constant watch over your soul, and pray for the courage and grace to PREVAIL over these things that are destined to occur and that you will stand before the presence of the Son of Man with a clear conscience.” – Luke 21:34-36 (TPT) Many of us have faced the darkest nights of our soul. We have pushed down those traumatic experiences that are so evil we wouldn’t dare tell anyone for fear of what a family member or friend might think. Some of us may take these secrets and bury them so deep that we may no longer even think it happened to us but to someone else. Until one day, something triggers a memory that had been covered up by years of seeking worth, identity and purpose in all the wrong placess.

As you’ll read from the women in these stories who I am so honored to call friends and even sisters, you’ll find that Jesus always finds a way to pull out the roots that are based on fears and lies, that have been growing inside to destroy us. Those intertwining, invasive roots that choke the heart first, then the body

5

6

and ultimately, the soul. God loves us too much to allow

And for those of you who are contending for prodigals

those roots to wreak havoc when He has destined us

to come home, maybe you have a teenager or adult

to bring Heaven to Earth, to be salt and light in a world

son or daughter who has fallen so far from their first

where tasteless, passionless, gloom and doom folk

love and need a fresh encounter with Jesus, we have a

reside. He has called us to PREVAIL, to be victorious,

miracle prayer story for you. A mom of four grown adult

triumphant, to finish the race well, to master addictions

children shares how she obeyed God to do something

and behaviors that are contrary to Scripture.

completely out of her comfort zone to see her prayers

Since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) and Child Abuse Prevention Month, you’ll read about how three women, including myself, overcame child and/or adult sexual abuse and even rape. To

answered, bringing her daughter one step closer to Jesus. You’ll feel inspired to pull out all the stops and listen for God to tell you what to do to help bring your children back to Him.

understand the patterns of behavior and coping

Lastly, some of you love make-up while others of us

mechanisms that can affect a woman’s life for years

like the natural look. Honestly, it’s really the motive

to come, we also have an article written by a therapist

behind whether you put on a lot of make-up or a little

who works with child and adolescents to help them

or none at all that really matters. Glamming it up is not

move out of survival mode and into living a life of

evil in and of itself and a freelance make-up artist, who

abundance and peace.

used to be a stay-at-home mom, shares how make-

These stories are dificult to read but they remind us of how resilient women can be, especially when they have faced such evil when they were mere children

up should enhance the beauty you already possess inside. Without which, no amount of make-up can hide a flawed character or hardened heart.

themselves. And they help those who are still not ready

I pray that each of these stories of real women blesses

to face the pain and truth of what happened to muster

you.

enough valor and strength to step out in faith and allow God to minister to them in the best and safest

Stay Imperishable,

way that only He can. If that’s you, I pray that the words from these pages will heal your heart and give you the courage you need to go after your healing, just like the women who penned these pages.

You’ll also find some book resources to start you on your journey to freedom from sexual trauma not only for you but for your family members as well. That’s because when God moves to bring healing to you, He will break off every family dysfunction and shine His light on those relational areas that need a surge of love understanding, empathy and unity.

Enid Bozic, Editor-In-Chief + President

7

Healing Starts With Valor

By Amy Chanthaphavong

V

alor means great courage in the face of

and raped. Immediately a thundering lie resounded

danger. While courage is an admirable trait, it

in my mind. I heard it so loud and clear: “The only

is more common to run and hide in the midst

value a woman has is her virginity. Yours was stolen

of danger. Where would you run for safety if danger

and you are WORTHLESS.” An epiphany and several

struck in a place most people would seek refugee?

thoughts later, I became damaged goods. I’d later

My story of trauma begins with family. My father

learn from a Christian psychologist, a victim herself,

couldn’t protect me. My mother couldn’t protect me.

that when a child experiences the shock of rape they

My aunt’s ex-husband used to beat her blue when

incur brain damage and shift into survival mode. If

alcohol was flowing and molested me on days he

ever I was an outgoing, happy, and trusting kid, I

was sober. My memory was suppressed from ages

became withdrawn. Blaming my parents for not

5- to 8-years-old because I subconsciously blocked

protecting me, I allowed anger and unforgiveness

the trauma I couldn’t comprehend.

to ravish my heart. I was hurting inside and no one

My parents and village of 100+ family members were refugees from Laos. The Vietnam War ravaged their

I shoved down the pain and made up for my lack

country, probably their hearts and minds as well.

of self-worth through AMBITION. As a coping

Having arrived with nothing in their pockets they

mechanism, I excelled academically; an honor

lived in the ghettos of San Diego where my parents

student from elementary school all the way to

worked assembly lines, factory jobs, barely speaking

university. I was out to prove my self-worth to the

any English. They left me in between job shifts with

world, but mostly to myself. I won many awards and

that man, the drunkard. My aunt would be home in

naturally took on leadership roles. I was competitive.

just a few hours from the drop off. In those few hours

I flew planes. I became a public speaker and by

I was robbed of my innocence, Monday through

the grace of God, I became a beauty queen. Being

Friday. I remember being naked, under a naked

crowned Miss Asian America was a part of God’s

man who groped and touched me in ungodly ways.

redemption story of a little girl who was robbed of

I remember being told to be silent, to keep it all a

innocence and any sense of self-worth or beauty.

secret.

8

knew.

I grew up Buddhist due to family tradition, though I

Shame became my best friend in the fifth grade. My

had no emotional connection to this belief system, I

classmates and I were watching a sex education

was naturally spiritual. I spoke to a higher being out

video when suddenly the repeated sexual dreams I

of pain, which I later discovered as prayer. I yearned

had as a kid came to mind. I had a sudden epiphany:

for beauty and love that broken human beings could

those weren’t dreams, they were real. I was molested

not offer. God’s love found me in college at age 21.

I was wild, untamed, deeply broken and so hungry

robe believing he could heal her, by that small act of

for love. Like the “lady with the issues of blood” in

faith she was instantly healed. By faith I needed to

Mark 5, God revealed to me that I was very sick. My

believe that Jesus could heal my brokenness.

disease? I had a hole in my heart and I kept trying to fill it with accomplishments, things, men, sex, alcohol, but it was a neverending hole. I exhausted all my resources trying the fill this hole. The pinnacle of Mark 5 was when the lady reached out to grab Jesus’

Healing from this trauma started six years later after I was saved. At age 27, I was living in New York City, working in tech, studying fashion at Parsons and wholeheartedly seeking God. I met Enid Bozic, the founder of Imperishable Beauty, at church and she

9

10

became my first female spiritual mentor. Through her

perhaps they would shower me with love. But on that

personal life, Enid showed me how a woman could

day, my parent’s response to my sharing of the abuse

live a life abandoned to God while waiting patiently

was shock and zero affection. Instead of words like

for His promises. One very ordinary evening at her

“I’m so sorry” or even a hug, all I got was “why didn’t

home, the Holy Spirit spoke to me “you are not leaving

you tell anyone sooner?”... Well, I was 5-years-old and

her presence until you tell Enid what happened. No

I was scared. As I predicted and feared, the second

more hiding, we are bringing darkness to light.”

trauma was very real. The lack of emotional support

That night I drummed up the valor to tell someone for the first time about the sexual abuse. It took

and affection threw me into a whirlwind of hurt, anger, resentment and rage, but this time as an adult.

everything inside of me to say it out loud, thereby

I’m not sure why, but I needed to express those

admitting to myself it really took place. I shook, I cried,

emotions out loud and mourned what happened.

she held me and we cried together. Then there was

I wasn’t able to process them as a child and that

a lightness, I experienced the first taste of freedom

darkness festered beneath the surface. Now, as

from shame. I started to forgive that man. I started

an adult, I fully experienced the emotions of anger,

to forgive my parents for not protecting me. It was a

hurt and rage. I gave them a stage, maybe they just

long and uncharted journey of letting go of sadness,

needed to be heard and acknowledged. I could now

guilt, blame and the victim mentality.

also choose to let them go.

Nine years later, Enid would ask me to write about

God is a good, good Father and a redeemer of all

my story and share it with the world. I said “YES”

things. He would never call us to do something

to bringing darkness to light on a whole new level.

hard without fully intending to bless us. After the

This opportunity also became the catalyst to sharing

confrontation and second trauma, my family dynamics

about the abuse with my family for the first time. It has

began to change. My parents became softer, more

been one of the scariest challenges. Confrontation

affectionate. I heard from other family members

of any sorts is not welcomed in my culture and is

that they broke down in tears and were absolutely

considered offensive. I come from an unemotional

devastated and did not know how to talk to me. My

Asian family that values face and reputation above all

aunt who was married to the drunkard, burst into my

else, and there was an extremely high chance I would

room a few days later and threw her arms around

encounter a second trauma. They could potentially

me. She confessed that her heart hurt so much after

not believe me, they could be ashamed and tell me

I shared with her; she started to experience chest

to be silent. I just couldn’t bare such heartache, but

pains. She apologized for not protecting me and

I made a decision and the only thing I lacked was

showered so much love and affection I never knew

valor.

my family was capable of.

Everytime I wanted to bail out on this decision, I was

These stories and experiences following the

reminded of Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you?

confrontation brought immense healing to my heart.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not

For the first time I saw and believed how much my

be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with

family loved me, how much it hurt them. I no longer

you wherever you go.” I decided to share the truth

hated my family or blamed them for what happened.

on Valentine’s Day, after all, it’s the day of love and

I saw them as victims as well and my heart broke for

11

their pain. God isn’t just healing me, He is also healing

is a process and true forgiveness requires action. My

my family.

greatest encouragement to anyone hurting is that

God’s ways are higher than ours and His path for redemption may look very different from what you planned. Rest in His peace knowing that His ways are the most beautiful and everlasting. If you will surrender and partner with God to do scary things that may offend human reasoning, He will bring true healing.

My freedom from trauma is telling you this story today unashamed. Freedom takes courage and it is expensive; Jesus paid for our freedom with His life. I wanted to be healed instantly like the lady with the issue of blood, but I’m learning that emotional healing

Author Bio Amy Chanthaphavong is the CEO and CoFounder of London Valor, an IT fashion brand of smart handbags that creates efficiency for enterprising women. She was also crowned Miss Asian America, the first Laotian-American woman to be crowned in 2009, and is a former TEDx speaker, sharing her journey from “Fear to Fearlessness.” Amy is a creative leader with over 10 years of experience in marketing, sales, business development, content creation, client management and operations in the areas of technology, IT, real estate, media and banking.

With a knack for adventure and social impact, she moved to Laos in 2014, one of the least developed countries in the world. There, Amy became a curator of the Vientiane Global Shaper Community, a network of city-based hubs initiated by the World Economic Forum. Her desire for social impact, love for stories, media and technology, also led her to create sharingamy. com, a space to share stories from her personal journey. Most recently, she took up surfing and is always looking for the next big wave.

12

valor is necessary in order to walk with God. No hero in the Bible or marvel comic book heroine lived in fear.

They might have started with fear, but courage was always necessary for victory.

You can follow Amy on Instagram: @sharingamy

A BANNER FOR THE BROKEN

By Ashley Lauren

I

t was my senior year of high school before graduation when the secret of my sexual assault

was finally released into the light. I remember that day too well, as it was the first time my body had ever experienced true sideswiped shock. It was a beautiful spring day in April of 2007, and my mom was combing my hair, preparing me to get it styled for our senior year fashion show.

I know til this day even more so, the moment that happened next was completely a God thing, because though I don’t understand why these things happen, I know he doesn’t allow us to stay in darkness forever; especially when we’re transitioning from one season to the next.

My mother casually but cautiously brought up that

someone in our family had accused another family member of multiple counts of sexual abuse. At first, I tried to play it off, because it was something I hid for so long that I had grown accustomed to the numb feeling I had towards this family member. But then my mom stopped combing my hair, looked at me and with a shaken tone, asked “Ashley, has this happened to you?” As I even type this, it brings tears to my eyes, to think how hard it must have been for my mother to even ask this of her daughter. And I know the answer genuinely came as the most darkened blow.

My body started shaking uncontrollably, when I finally let out the truth I had held in for over 11 years of my life. Nothing can prepare you to have to tell your family, especially at that age when you had been sexually assaulted and abused as a child. Nothing. I went into a daze where my mind went somewhere

13

else, the place I always went when the abuse was

a secret, have it exposed, and then have to relive it

happening or when any sort of conflict happened.

and retell it to police, counselors, and more to build

But then my mom pulled me back to reality, and I

a case and attempt to get it prosecuted. But in the

knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hide from this

end, he was brought to justice and sentenced, which

anymore. She started crying and hugging me as she

is a huge victory as it’s very rare to see, especially in

called my dad who was out on a walk to come home

today’s society. I’m not going to sit here and say that

immediately. I remember the one thing she kept

seeing him being prosecuted fully helped because

yelling at my dad when he arrived was, “We thought

it didn’t. It didn’t give me those pure years back. It

we were protecting her; we didn’t protect her!”

didn’t confuse me any less about who I was as a

Since that moment, it’s been a very long journey. I can’t even begin to tell you what it’s like to keep such

14

woman and how I could truly trust being intimate with a man one day.

Although I knew God from a very young age in a major

so numb nothing mattered anymore. Then my phone

spiritual encounter kind of way, I honestly didn’t truly

rang, and I will never forget this moment as long as

know how to let Him heal this trauma. I covered it

I live. It was my co-worker, now my best friend Lucy,

with distractions up until 2014. My distractions were

calling for the 100th time telling me I am loved and

so good: career building, music, acting, and I even

that everything was going to be okay. It was God’s last

had a major show to benefit the Chicago Children’s

attempt to get through to me, and I answered. Out of all

Advocacy Center, which is the organization that

the texts and calls this girl bugged me with that I had

processed my case. I was so good at pretending I was

ignored, I answered. She was at my apartment within

superwoman and that nothing could break me. Until I

30 minutes and that was the day, for the first time in my

got home, where alcohol and the prescribed Ibuprofen

life, I started to heal.

were waiting for me.

God literally saved my life through her, because I’m

Then God of course brought me all the way down to

telling you, I was done that night. But look at that, out of

my knees, and I mean all the way down, that I had to

all of the mistakes that stemmed from my brokenness,

crawl to get back up. He loved me that much to do

God constantly loved on me, forgave me, and led me,

some serious drastic things to make me realize how

even in the darkest of places that felt like hell. If I were

loved I am and how I needed to survive trauma to be a

to even share every bit of that year, we’d have a full

minister for other people. I was living two lives. People

book which I hope will be released later. But God is

always saw the Ashley who smiled, gave back, had a

true and good, and He uses every single thing to get us

huge heart, and was there when you needed her. They

back to where we should be. I am truly convinced that

didn’t see the broken, suicidal, withered Ashley I saw

“neither angels nor demons, present, or future, powers,

everyday for years when looking into a mirror. This

or height, or anything in all creation can separate me

Ashley fully came out after exiting a very serious, toxic

from the love of the Holy God” (Romans 8:38).

relationship with a guy I should have never been with, but honestly believe God used to help me become the woman of truth I am now.

Two years later, after counseling, facing my demons, serving others even in pain, truly allowing God in my life, and creating new music; I am so thankful to be

After that relationship ended, let’s just say that was the

truly living for the first time ever in my life. Though it

year when I understood why Britney Spears shaved

took a lot of breakthrough, broken decisions, and much

her head. I was dealing with a painful new condition

more to get here, I’m able to teach others to live a life

known as Crohn’s, diagnosed with PTSD after a very

of abundance. I was blessed with the task of leading

public outburst, became a functional alcoholic with

what I call the Warrior Movement, which is an inclusive

barely a job, lost an unborn child, and was informed

and open forum for all who are choosing to be honest

my childhood abuser was being released from prison.

with where they are in life, and using where they are

Honestly, every single day, I don’t know how I had the

to be a light no matter what the situation. I’m alive for

strength to even move and not cry. I wanted to jump in

a reason, and I believe it’s to show people who deal

front of a bus. My mind and spirit had been completely

with trauma that the mountains can be moved and that

shattered, all because I chose to try to do it on my own.

healing is truly possible through Christ who loves us.

One night I wrote my suicide note. I remember crying

My story makes me everything that I am. The strong,

to God, asking where He was when I was getting

resilient, gracious, and understanding woman has

abused, and where He was in this moment where I felt

always been inside of me; but after everything I’ve

15

seen, I can really say those qualities breathe truth

yourself to heal in your valley. It’s there you discover

throughout my life. I pray and believe this story

who you truly are. It’s there you discover who God

will speak to those feeling the need to hide their

truly is. He does not sit by while you suffer. He is there

brokenness. I hold the banner for the broken and

in the depths of what seems like endless sorrow. Let

want to see people set free from their bondage of

Him in, and I promise you, healing will flood your soul.

anxiety, depression, addiction, and secrets. You were

Lastly, know that you are SO LOVED and cherished

created to live a beautiful life beyond the pain.

on this earth, even by a stranger like me. God bless!

Pain is real and your feelings are valid but don’t settle

You can follow Ashley and her music on Instagram:

there and give up. FIGHT while taking time to care

@ashleylaurensmusic

for yourself. Surround yourself with solid people that will love you through each and every crack, and allow

Sexual Violence Statistics •

1 in 4 women and 1 out of 6 men are sexually abused in their lifetime (Department of Justice)

•

In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the attacker (Department of Justice)

•

Nearly 6 out of 10 sexual assaults occur in the victim’s home or the home of a friend, relative or neighbor (Department of Justice)

•

13.3 percent of college women say they have been forced to have sex in a dating situation (Journal of Interpersonal Violence)

•

Only 28 percent of victims report their sexual assault to the police (Bureau of Justice Statistics)

•

Only about 2 percent of all sexual assaults reported to police turn out to be false (Department of Justice)

•

Among developmentally disabled adults, up to 83 percent of females and 32 percent of males are victims of sexual violence (Disabled Women’s Network)

Child Abuse Statistics •

A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds (American Society for the Positive Care of Children)

•

1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18 (Department of Justice)

•

More than 4 children die each day because of child abuse (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

•

More than 90 percent of child sexual abuse victims know their attacker (“Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement” by Howard Snyder)

•

Approximately 70 percent of children that die from abuse are under the age of 4 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

•

About 30 percent of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the cycle of violence (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

•

The estimated annual cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States for 2008 is $124 billion.

(2012 Child Abuse & Neglect report)

16

Author Bio Indie Award-nominated singer, songwriter and inspirational storyteller, Ashley Lauren lives to help others break free from bondage and past traumas. As a survivor of abuse, mental breakdown, and suicide attempts, she strives to bring raw truth to a world that’s being constantly lied to, through a spirit-led musical experience made for everyone who loves a hardcore ballad to an exhilarating pop anthem. Her one goal is to inspire, and give life to hurting individuals, especially children and teens who come from broken pasts.

She has worked closely with the Chicago Children’s Advocacy Center, a healing center helping to combat child abuse and trafficking, and now is currently signed with ‘Songs Against Slavery’ a music and activism organization fighting to help victims and survivors who have been coerced into trafficking and slavery.

Ashley has shared her journey in prestigious venues such as Davenports, The Elbo Room, and Underground Wonder Bar. She has also been invited to lead worship and testify at churches such as Faithworld Chicago, Faithworld Indiana, The WKND Youth Conference, and Grace Reformed Church Wisconsin; along with sharing her story of recovery on several online platforms for women and teens.

17

Forgiveness Is The High

By Enid Bozic

I

haven’t talked about this incident in years. But in

woman. I thought that if I put my mind to it, I could

honor of the brave women who have come forward

do anything. The dorm had paired me up with a

to share their story of sexual harassment and sexual

roommate from France. We were the most opposite

assault, I wanted to share my own journey and how

personalities that they could ever pair together. But

I found freedom from a very dark moment in my life.

it was she that taught me how to travel solo with just

A moment that would forever change the course of

a backpack. Something that I did after the incident

everything that I thought I knew about myself and

to clear my head and find myself again.

the world around me; one that would eventually lead me to Jesus Christ.

I was going into my sophomore year in college and had signed up to do a year-long study abroad program in Seoul, Korea. I had been curious to know more about my mother’s country, her customs, her culture, her history, any and all things that colored and shaped her worldview. I was excited to finally have the opportunity to not only live in her homeland as an adult, but learn how to read and write a language that I only knew and understood audibly since I was an infant.

A CHANCE TO BE PART OF HISTORY I had taken on a very full schedule, trying to get most of my international affairs class requirements out of the way and also added language classes at the Korean Language Institute. One of the classes I took was on political relations between China and Taiwan. It was an interesting class and after a few weeks, our professor announced that he was taking applications to accompany him to Taipei, the capital of Taiwan, to witness its’ first direct legislative election. It was anticipated to be an historical event because the ruling party from mainland China that

I remember landing at the airport, full of anticipation

had been defeated by the Communist Party some

and wonder. My uncle and his friend had picked me

40 years earlier was predicted to win the election,

up to take me to my international dormitory at Yonsei

and hopefully, bring the country that much closer to

University. In true Korean fashion, he spoke to a girl

being recognized as a sovereign state.

on my floor who just happened to pass by and asked her to look out for me and to let him know if anything should happen. We didn’t even know each other but were forced to introduce ourselves at that point.

She assured him that she would with a slight bow of her head and uttered, “yeh.” If only she did follow through but how could she ever know?

I was a very headstrong, super confident, young

18

In addition to the application, we had to submit an essay and interview with the professor individually.

Our class was super competitive so we were all vying for that one spot, that coveted spot to be part of history in the making. It came down to one other girl and myself. A week later, I got the call. I was going to Taiwan! This was exactly the experience that I needed on my resume to show that I was on my

Road

19

way to becoming an international reporter, my dream job. I remember calling my mom to tell her. She was happy for me but told me to be careful. I remember thinking, what could possibly happen?

WRONG PLACE WRONG TIME Once we were in the room alone, then my nightmare began. He called me over to the desk he was sitting in and grabbed my hands and said, “Finally, we can

We landed at the airport and the drivers assigned

be together, my darling.” I felt a pit forming in my

to escort us during our entire stay took us to the

stomach and my breathing quicken as I stood there

hotel. We checked in and when the woman asked

in shock. I was like a fox trapped in a cage. I wanted

whether we wanted our rooms next door to each

to run out of there but I was so scared. I was in a

other, my professor replied that it wasn’t necessary,

foreign country. He had asked for my passport upon

that we would in fact, share a room instead with two

landing at the airport and held my plane ticket. I

separate beds. I looked at him quizzically but he said

didn’t know where I would go or how I would be able

it was cheaper this way and that I could have the

to leave the country. I tried to play it cool. I pulled my

room while he stayed in the living room. I remember

hands away and said, “I have to go get some snacks

not feeling right about it but because I was so

from the lobby. I’ll be right back.”

trusting and believed my professor had the very best intentions, I went along with it.

20

My heart was thudding hard in my chest as I ran around trying to figure out how to get out of the

situation. But then I thought, maybe I was reading

at nothing. I felt so defeated. Then I heard his voice,

into it. Maybe he didn’t mean it the way I thought.

“Good Morning, Darling!” To this day, I hate the word

Minutes turned into hours before I finally went back

“darling” and correct people when they address me

into the room. I had decided that if I got in late, then

as such. He acted as if nothing happened. He was

he’d already be asleep. My plan was to wake up early

beaming from his conquest. I wanted to punch him

and go for a jog so that I would be gone before he

and cut his throat with the knife in front of me. I didn’t.

woke up. I thought if I could just make it through the next two days without being alone with him in the room, then we could get back on the plane and I would be free of him once we landed in Seoul.

As soon as he sat down, I said I needed to change and would meet him out front. I ransacked the room trying to find my passport and plane ticket. Nothing. I made my way to the lobby where I was greeted by the

Sure enough, he was already asleep. I breathed out

driver who was so happy to see me. I couldn’t make

a sigh of relief. I got ready for bed and laid my head

eye contact. I knew if I did, I would start crying. And I

on the pillow. I was so tired from traveling and trying

was scared about any ramifications that might come

to strategize my way out. No sooner did I start to drift

if I did. We dropped off the professor somewhere

away when he suddenly pounced on me. I struggled

for a meeting and the driver took me to the National

to free myself but I was pinned down with his weight.

Palace Museum. He was so excited to show me

My flashing thought was, ‘This is it! I’m getting raped

around. I wasn’t present. I felt so empty inside, as if

by my professor, a 50-something, married man who

my fuel light was out. Even though we didn’t speak

I absolutely trusted and now hate more than anyone

the same language, he seemed to notice that I was

else in the world. I can’t believe this is happening to

completely off. He looked concerned. I gestured with

me!’ I prayed so hard that God would hear my cries

my hands that I felt tired.

and help me. It was six minutes of hell and then it was over. It was just short of rape. I was now a sexual assault statistic.

ENDURING THE AFTERMATH

BROKEN LIKE SHATTERED GLASS Students came up smiling and wanted to get their picture taken with me, the foreigner, with their beloved monument behind us. Children were laughing and

He fell asleep on me and I slowly but surely wiggled my

playing with their siblings along the path. Birds were

way out from underneath him. I crawled underneath

chirping in the air. Dogs were catching Frisbees

the desk, pulled my knees up and sobbed. After an

and balls thrown by their owners. Life continued all

hour of so of trying to process the trauma, I went

around me. Everyone seemed to be so happy. I felt

into the shower to clean myself. I felt like I couldn’t

like I was shattered glass cascading prisms of dark

scrub his smell off of me. In fact, I scrubbed my entire

shadows.

body to the point of scratching my skin raw. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so violated, so angry, so frightened, so disappointed in myself for putting myself in the situation. I felt so betrayed. I wanted to die. I felt ashamed and broken.

The rest of our time there was a blur. I made sure that I didn’t sleep. I pretended to stay out late and when I entered the room at night, I would hide underneath the desk with a butter knife in my hand to defend myself. He would call to me and I would ignore him.

I didn’t sleep the rest of the night and left for a run

I kept telling myself, “Get through this. You can do

to get all of my emotions out, to drive the darkness

it. Get on that plane. And you don’t have to see him

away. I went to the restaurant downstairs to get

ever again.”

breakfast but I didn’t eat it. I just sat there looking

21

When we finally boarded the plane back to Seoul

that his reasoning was because he believes in the

and I had my passport in hand, I knew the nightmare

old Chinese proverb that “when old men fondle

was finally coming to an end. I assured myself that

young women they can regain their youth”. I was

everything was going to be ok once I was back in my

dumbfounded! Then the Dean got on his knees to

dorm room. I never went back to his class. In fact, I

beg for forgiveness, started weeping and asked me

didn’t want to go to any of my classes anymore. My

what he should do.

grades dropped but I didn’t care. I also decided that I wouldn’t tell anyone because who would believe me anyway. It would be his word against mine.

Here was a grown man asking me for direction while I was still a child in my heart. I wish I could say that my assailant was arrested and sent off to prison. The

Weeks went by and I was finally starting to feel like

International School removed him from teaching

myself again. I went to dinner with some friends

while I was still in the program but I was told that

and we laughed. It felt good to finally laugh again.

they could not guarantee that he would never teach

Then on my way back to the dorm, one of my male

again. They wanted me to quietly disappear. And I did

classmates came running towards me. He said that

because in a male-dominated society, I didn’t know

the professor was looking for me, that I hadn’t turned

if I would suddenly go missing or if other assaults

my paper in, that he needed to see me right away,

would come in retaliation. It was a frightening and

otherwise I would get a failing grade. I couldn’t

uncertain time. And unfortunately, because the

believe it! Something snapped inside of me. I shoved

school hid it under the rug, my assailant continued

and cursed at him. The poor guy had no idea what

to teach after I returned to the U.S.

was going on but at that moment, I lost it.

The next thing I can recall is the floral print on my wall and someone crying and screaming. Somehow, I had torn down my wall of pictures from home and had tried to open a hole in the wall with my bare hands. I snapped back into reality to find a group of girls in my dorm room with me. Some were crying and some were screaming my name. The RA took me into her room and hugged me as I heaved tears of pain. Through the snot and air gasps, she begged me to tell her what happened. I told her every detail even though I knew nothing would come of it.

JUSTICE ISN’T EASY

ROAD TO FORGIVENESS Since that time, I had battled depression and anxiety on and off for years. I no longer wanted to pursue my dreams. I lost purpose. I became a ship with no sail and sort of drifted through life. In hindsight, that nightmare became a catalyst for my pursuit of finding God. I started exploring Islam, Hinduism, Taoism, to name a few. Then Jesus Christ rocked my world through a handful of people who began to share their testimony while putting in prayer requests at their churches to pray for me. That is a story for another day.

But even now, as I’m retelling this story, I have

We found ourselves in the Dean’s Office of the

absolutely no ill will towards this professor. I know I

International Education and Exchange recounting

probably won’t ever forget what happened but I do

what had happened. The Dean’s response of course

know that I am free from the weight of unforgiveness

was that these were serious allegations and that he

and bitterness that once choked my desire to live.

needed to speak with the professor to get his side

If it weren’t for Jesus and His willingness to forgive

of the story first. I thought for sure he would deny

me for everything that I have ever done or will do, I

it. Then we were called to a second meeting. The

don’t think I could find it in my heart to forgive. And

Dean said he confessed to doing what he did and

Jesus has set me free from anxiety and depression,

22

although at times, these want to come back, I keep

Dear Jesus, I may not forget what had happened to

fighting the good fight of faith.

me but because You have forgiven me for so much, I

All I know is that He is so good and faithful. He has redeemed so much of what I thought I had lost, including those years when I drifted. I truly believe that had I not gone through what I did, I’m not so sure if I would’ve started my spiritual journey when I did. That’s what I love most about Father God is that He loves to exchange beauty for our ashes and wherever the locusts have eaten, He wants to restore to make our latter days greater than the first.

TIME TO PRAY

know that I can forgive my assailant. Thank you that Your forgiveness knows no bounds, that You are full of mercy and grace, even when I don’t deserve it. So I lift up (insert name), for (insert everything that person did). I choose now to forgive (insert name) and release (insert name) from all judgment and debts to me. I ask you to cleanse me of all unrighteousness and help restore all that was lost, killed or stolen from my life since that incident. I thank you for hearing me and moving on my behalf.

You say that vengeance is yours. So I trust you to

So friend, if you are still struggling to forgive someone who has assaulted you sexually and betrayed your trust, please say this prayer with me:

do what You do best in every situation. I love you and I thank you for my freedom to live, love and trust again. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen!

Recommended Books on Sexual Trauma “The effects of extreme trauma can continue to be emotionally devastating.

Moving On After Trauma offers hope, providing survivors, family members and friends with a roadmap for managing emotional, relationship, physical and legal obstacles to recovery. Dr Scott details examples of the strategies used by twenty characters who have recovered and the survivor (with or without the help of a family member, friend or counsellor) is encouraged to identify with one or more of them and follow in their footsteps.”

“The traumatic affects of childhood sexual abuse can remain and recur throughout life for women who have not healed emotionally. This book by a family therapist shares stories from 18 women abused as children, explaining that healing can occur at any stage of life, and that healing, itself, occurs in stages.

The author offers guidance to recognize the long-lingering potential affects of childhood sexual abuse including depression, anxiety, dissociation, and chronic shock, and she explains steps to take for recovery. Also presented are letters from women who have healed or are in recovery.”

“The statistics are jarring. One in four women and one in six men are or will be victims of sexual assault in their lifetime. But as sobering as the statistics are, they don’t begin to speak to the darkness and grief experienced by these victims. Because sexual assault causes physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual pain, victims need clear help, hope, and healing.

In Rid of My Disgrace, a couple experienced in counseling victims of sexual assault explains how the grace of God can heal the broken and restore the disgraced.

“With great compassion Allender offers hope for victims of rape, date rape, incest, molestation, sexting, sexual bullying, unwanted advances, pornography, and more, exposing the raw wounds that are left behind and clearing the path toward wholeness and healing. Never minimizing victims’ pain or offering pat spiritual answers that don’t truly address the problem, he instead calls evil evil and lights the way to renewed joy.”

23

Making It Back To Shore

By Cricket Leigh, LLMSW

A

s a Licensed Therapist who sees children and adolescents, I feel honored on a daily basis to bear witness to some of the most traumatizing stories and experiences a person can have. Many people ask how I can handle such tragic circumstances daily, but four years ago when I left my job, I knew I wanted to help young people by providing support and advocacy. So becoming a social worker with a specialization in trauma was the perfect fit.

As a home-based therapist, I was able to go into the homes of my clients, to see every domain of their lives, meet every family member in their orbit, speak to their doctors, teachers, coaches, etc., in order to build a strong, trusting relationship with my clients so I could best serve them. Now, as an outpatient therapist, I strive to do the same in my office. Some have major mental health disorders, some have experienced or witnessed a trauma, while others are just “average” people who just need some extra support.

As a child with anxiety who bit her fingers till they bled, I was confused why my brain didn’t work like the others did. I was hyper. I couldn’t stay quiet or focused, I couldn’t write a simple paper without re-writing it four times before turning it in. I couldn’t understand why I felt compelled to draw little dots all over my work in high school even though my friends made fun of me. I couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t walk over cracks for fear my mother would die because of it. As I grew up, some of these idiosyncrasies stayed with me but after working with a wonderful therapist, I was able to move on from most and now manage my anxiety very well. I see myself in the children I meet and my heart breaks for them because they may not have the supportive mother or the privileges I have had, so I know God brought me to this kind of work to make a difference, to connect to the disconnected,

24

and to let them know that their trauma or abuse does not, nor will not, define them.

Most people think “trauma” means a physical health concern such as a head trauma from a car accident, but the kind I work with are mental health traumas, also known as “traumatic stress”, especially those that stem from sexual abuse. Some children experience this stress daily, and some only once, but research shows that no matter how many times or how far back in our childhood it may have occurred, the repercussions can live on in us for many years to come. In Greek, the word trauma means “wound” and according to John Rich from Wounded Places on PBS, it’s “when the strengths inside you and the inner resources around you cannot respond to a threat”. So for example, when a person is sexually abused, they are wounded at that moment, and throughout their lives if they do not address this wound by curating resilience, processing the traumatic events, and finding strength in natural support systems, it can become detrimental to their well-being as a whole.

Here are four areas in which the trauma of sexual abuse can affect a survivor long after it occurs: MENTAL Those who have been sexually abused experience emotional responses to their trauma, including higher levels of anxiety, depression, panic attacks, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), increased substance use, and suicidal ideation, than those who have not been sexually abused. Breaking it down further, survivors may exhibit racing thoughts, decreased ability to concentrate, difficulty in decision-making, forgetfulness, increased suggestibility, self-blame, blaming of others, flashbacks, numbness, paralysis

25

from fear, dissociation, increased hopelessness, suicidal thoughts or attempts, increased isolation, guilt, abrupt mood swings and grief. Many of these symptoms fall under the diagnosis of PTSD, which came about as a result of clinicians working with Vietnam Veterans, but has since been applied to many other types of traumatic events, such as Sexual Abuse. PTSD can immobilize a person due to the high levels of stress in the individual on a daily basis. It can cause nightmares, intrusive and re-occurring thoughts related to the event, avoidance, sleep disturbance, poor concentration and feeling jumpy or on edge.

Flashbacks and intrusive thoughts can be triggered by sensory stimuli such as smells, tastes, textures or sounds, or by the individual talking about their own experiences. Some adult survivors of sexual abuse have even cited childbirth as a trigger, because it accompanies physical pain, loss of control, and an inability to separate the traumatic event from the joyous one of giving birth (Rhoades & Hutchinson, 1994). Dissociation is a common response to having been sexually abused. Amnesia is also a symptom stemming from sexual abuse, as studied by Linda Williams of Wellesley College, who conducted a study of adult survivors who had been treated for sexual assault in an emergency room of a large urban hospital in the 1970’s. Twenty years later, she followed up with these women who had confirmed and documented sexual abuse experience at the time, and found that 38 percent of them had experienced total or partial amnesia regarding their abuse experiences.

This “amnesia” could very well be the part of their brain that literally avoided or blocked out the abuse or details related to it. This is an example of extreme dissociation that can occur as a defense mechanism to cope with the trauma of the sexual abuse.

The human brain also plays a large part in the mental effects of having been sexually abused. Evidence now shows that brain functioning is altered as a result of early abuse or neglect, and the brain may not fully develop, or could affect a person’s entire worldview into adulthood. On brain scans of those who have experienced trauma, neurological abnormalities

26

were found on both the left and right hemispheres, leading some survivors to not develop important neural pathways and may facilitate an unconscious storage of traumatizing memories. It can also stop the development of language, speech, thinking, and assessing for risk. Survivors of sexual abuse may exhibit brain dysfunctions such as an inability to regulate their emotions, increased negative emotions, increased impulsivity, anxiety, sleep disturbance and more possibly, future substance use. The good news is if a survivor is able to process their painful memories, they can build new neural pathways, ensuring healthy brain development, emotional stability and safety.

PHYSICAL Survivors of sexual abuse may exhibit physical affects such as high blood pressure, enlarged kidneys, coronary artery disease, anxiety, depression, sleep interruption or insomnia, chronic fatigue, impaired memory, heartburn, ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, increased risk of cancer and/or diabetes, obesity, infertility, PMS, premature aging, risk of worsening Arthritis, risk of higher STI’s, and eating disorders.

One study shocked the research community when it connected past trauma to shorter mortality.

From 1995-1997, Kaiser Permanente conducted a study from over 17,000 members from Southern California who had received physical exams and asked them to complete confidential surveys regarding their childhood experiences and current health status. This became known as the Adverse Childhood Experiences study (ACEs) and the findings were revolutionary because it connected adverse experiences such as trauma to living a shorter lifespan. The team behind this study saw that childhood experiences, positive and negative, have an impact on physical health. They found that out of 10 possible ACEs on the survey, those with six or more died 20 years earlier on average than those with less ACEs, and that out of the total 17,000 members questioned, 64 percent of them had at least two ACEs. In Michigan, the state I live in, 62 percent of adults here have at least one adverse childhood experience, leading to these types of health concerns.

ACEs is helping the mental and physical health fields see that trauma is now a public health issue to be taken seriously.

BEHAVIORAL In this area, the long-term effects of having experienced a trauma include difficulty with employment, becoming re-victimized, difficulty in school or learning, provoking conflict, soliciting sexual experiences, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts or attempts. Survivors of sexual abuse may exhibit withdrawal, regressive behaviors, an inability to sit still, changes in speech patterns, increased isolation, anger, defiance, criminal acts, perfectionism, spacing out, sleep disturbance and substance use. Both the mental and physical concerns mentioned above lead to shaping a person’s behavior, which can often lead to unsafe and problematic choices throughout their lives. Also, it can lead some to never graduate high school, be fired numerous times from jobs, experience homelessness, become sexually assaulted again due to unsafe conditions, embrace the ideology of worthlessness which leads to promiscuity, prostitution or sex trafficking, and involvement with law enforcement due to committing crimes.

SPIRITUAL This area is difficult to gauge as there is very little research on the matter and varying beliefs on what spirituality is. However, as a Christian woman, I am aware that one’s relationship with God or the Church can assist or hinder someone who has been sexually abused or suffered a trauma, just as it does for everything in the life of any believer, whether negative or positive. If you believe that God is in charge of your life, then he can also be in charge of how you heal from a trauma. While some survivors of sexual abuse may exhibit decreased trust in clergy, the Church or God, spiritual distress, distancing themselves from God,etc.; others may experience the opposite effects with some feeling a closeness with God after a traumatic event, or an increased spiritual encouragement with and/or increased identity in God.

One study discussed the spirituality and healing of sexual abuse survivors and found that a concept called “Being Delivered” from sexual violence appears to be in play for most, which includes three areas: Spiritual Connection, Spiritual Journey and Spiritual Transformation. This study urged mental health counselors, therapists and clinicians to utilize this framework when working with someone who may be religious and have suffered a trauma, while keeping in mind the uniqueness of each individual. The “Being Delivered” framework found that some sexual abuse survivors in this study expressed a renewed passion for connecting to God’s love because they felt the trauma was part of a plan God had for them, some felt they acquired strength as a result of passing spiritual challenges, that their abuse served as a test which made them stronger and that the trauma of sexual abuse gave them a new way to experience God’s purpose in their lives. Survivors of sexual violence by clergy include the same effects as mentioned above, but a larger sense of trust can be broken due to the perpetrator being a member of the Church. For many survivors of sexual violence, spirituality is important in how they heal from their trauma.

THE GOOD NEWS OF RESILIENCY Now you may be seeing the overarching effects of how trauma can leave scars on a person’s mind, body and spirit for many years. But there is good news and that is, the power of resiliency; which can be identified, cultivated and practiced until the person suffering from their trauma is able to build their life back, one connection at a time. To help someone go from merely surviving in their life post-trauma to thriving, it greatly depends on their ability to build what are called “Protective Factors” such as self-regulation, relational skills, problem-solving skills, involvement in positive activities, caring adults, positive peers, positive community, positive educational environments, and economic opportunities.

“An analogy of resilience is a rubber bar. When hit by an object, rubber may be stressed (bent), but it can bounce back to its original shape and position.

27

Over time, rubber can also be molded to change its original shape and position, keeping some aspects and improving others” (NCTSN.Org).

These are proven factors that assist trauma survivors find balance in mind, body and spirit and help them adapt to a new way of living after being sexually abused or living through a trauma. Many people ask me what to say to people who have experienced trauma, so below is a list of helpful trauma-sensitive responses: •

During emotional times ask “how can I support you right now?”

•

When topics overwhelm you, be willing to sit in supportive silence with them

•

Be prepared to repeat information many times; repetition is commonly needed when people are working with an overwhelmed nervous system

•

Assess any triggers in their environment (i.e. person, place, thing, smell, texture, date or event)

•

Promote relaxation (i.e. breathing, focusing, counting, meditation)

•

Avoid forcing eye contact, being too close in proximity, touching them or asking too many questions while they are having a stress response

•

Draw upon past successes of theirs and remind them they have and can get through this

•

Give a choice when possible to bring them back into

the here and now, such as “would you like a glass of water or go for a walk?”

Utilizing a trauma-sensitive approach to sexual abuse survivors and those with trauma promotes a sense of connectedness, which is the number one way to truly heal from trauma because it elicits and builds trust between people who thought they could never trust anyone again.

Lastly, all of these factors help with the act of “processing” a person’s own trauma history or past abuse. Just as a computer processes information or gets stuck, so does the human mind, body and spirit. In order to have closure, a person must find a way to process their experience. Many consider seeking professional therapy, be it individual or group. If so, they must make sure it is a good fit, that it’s with someone that can be trusted with secrets, in hopes of healing them. The saying goes in therapy, “you name it to tame it”, and it can be true for many.

Some survivors use expressive arts to process their trauma, such as writing or art, and some rely heavily on their faith to process what happened to them.

Whichever direction a person chooses, it is imperative to not stuff it down where it can turn into PTSD, substance use disorders, or numerous other lifelong challenges. Instead, they should try to process through the trauma, connect to faith and to people who deserve their trust, and build factors to protect their mind, body and spirit. If not for themselves, then for the children they may have who may be looking to them to model courage and resiliency.

Author Bio

28

Cricket is a Limited Licensed Social Worker in Kalamazoo, MI where she is the child and adolescent coordinator at the non-profit agency, The Elizabeth Upjohn Community Healing Center. She has worked in both home-based and outpatient settings, counseling children and adolescents using cognitive-behavioral and trauma-focused therapies. She is a former professional actress and voice-over performer, which allows her to employ drama therapy and other creative arts therapies with her clients. She also works with the Kalamazoo County Juvenile Drug Treatment Court program working with non-violent Juvenile offenders and their families to motivate and support both drug and crime-free behaviors. Cricket holds her Masters of Social Work degree from Western Michigan University and her Bachelors in Fine Arts from New York University.

Summer Must Haves

1

3

Palm Straw Hat

by San Diego Hat $76

2

Laney Sunglasses

by Warby Parker $145+

4 Tellah Sandal

by Kelly & Katie $35

Granita Beaded Tassel Earrings

by Baublebar $38

5 Eliza Cover-up Wrap Dress

by Red Carter $185

29

Prayer: The Jericho

30

March

By Kelli Hamann

R

aging screams pierced the silence the moment my wheels touched the base of Queen Anne Hill. Ok, so I didn’t actually hear anything with my ears, but that doesn’t mean the screams weren’t real. “You’re not welcome here! Go away!” they commanded. “You wanna fight? Bring it on!” they threatened. Such hatred—but I also sensed their fear.

Competing voices argued in my thoughts: This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your life. You’re even risking your job! Maybe it is, but it’s worth a try.

God hears my prayers, and I’m desperate for answers!

You’re gonna be late to work! And you’re getting sick, so you should get to work early to write up sub plans and take the day off. Turn around NOW! It was true: I had barely slept for two nights, troubled by a heavy burden, which probably opened the door for the cold I was catching. Functioning on about two hours of sleep, I finally decided to get up long before my alarm was set to go off to brave the 45-minute drive to downtown Seattle before work. I downed some Dayquill to shake off the cold symptoms and sluggishness, but now I just felt high. My brain was so foggy that I forgot to use deodorant. I would have to stop and get some before work—another reason to scrap my plan, do a one-eighty, and just head to work.

I don’t recall ever facing such a fierce, agonizing battle in my spirit as I ascended the hill that February morning. The pull toward the logical decision was strong—I’m a practical person, and what I was planning to do was anything BUT practical. But the voice of righteous indignation spoke louder than all of the voices of reason: If you don’t fight for her, who will? She’s imprisoned by lies; this place is destroying

her. Her life depends on you.

I knew it was true. I knew I couldn’t stop now. I started to call upon the name of Jesus to silence the demonic voices of doubt. Get ready, demons, because I’m staying! And you can’t stop me, because I come in the MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS! The defiant voices ceased, and I gained confidence as I gained altitude, heading straight to my prayer target.

This was day three of a week-long “Jericho march” around a coffee shop in one of Seattle’s trendy neighborhoods, a haven for the funkiest, hippest, most outside-of-the-box kinds of people—and everything in between. If you’re looking for “normal,” Queen Anne Hill is not a good place to start—or finish.

In case you haven’t heard about the story of the famous march around Jericho in the Bible (Joshua 6), here it is in a nutshell: •

After 400 years of slavery in Egypt, God miraculously freed His chosen people, the Israelites, and promised to resettle them in a “land flowing with milk and honey”

•

The promise was delayed for 40 years

•

The time finally came for the promise to be fulfilled, but one obstacle stood between the Israelites and their inheritance: They must conquer the walled city of Jericho, no small feat

•

God gave His people a specific strategy for taking the city: For six days, they were to march all around the walls of the city once—in complete silence, except for the priests, who blew trumpetlike instruments called shofars. On the seventh day, they were to march around seven times— still in silence—then shout for victory

•

The Israelites did what they were told, and when the last circle was complete and their shouts filled the air, the walls protecting Jericho fell flat

•

The Israelites plundered the city then settled in their land as free people

So, why was I marching around this coffee shop?

31

Because ever since my daughter started working there, she had completely abandoned her first love, Jesus.

Evidence of her youthful devotion to God is painted on a canvas that hangs in our home. Her acrylic hand prints are spread out like butterfly wings in the center of the words, “Father, you have all my love,” painstakingly painted by her in 12 rows, over and over again. She was free when she painted this, I tell myself. Free and passionately hungry for Jesus, much like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower in search of sweet nectar. Now the girl who once proclaimed her love for her heavenly Father on this canvas didn’t exist—or at best, she had lost her way.

The owner of this coffee shop and the employees working alongside my daughter had played a large part in this change in her, and I was determined to get her as far away from their toxicity as I could.

I parked near the coffee shop and stepped out into the freezing, winter darkness. At least it’s not raining.

I didn’t have a shofar to blow, which is probably okay, because I’m pretty sure blasting a shofar at 5:30 in the morning in the streets of Seattle could land a person in jail or a psych ward. However, I had a link ready to go on my cell phone for just this purpose. I clicked the link, slid my phone into my coat pocket, and tried to appear nonchalant as clear, triumphant shofar blasts rang out, beautifully piercing the still and chilly air.

I was pretty much alone as I began my prayer circle around the coffee shop (more the shape of a rectangle, actually), except for a smattering of random people: devoted dog owners scooping poop, joggers, bikers, and people waiting at bus stops. Many of them searched the air for the source of the shofar blasts as I made my way around the block, but they all seemed to just shrug it off when they couldn’t figure out where the sounds were coming from. That’s the beauty of doing something out of the ordinary in a place where the out of the ordinary is not unexpected—no one really cares.

In less than 10 minutes, my circle was done. It had gone without incident—just like the previous two days—and I was on my way to work with plenty of time to stop and get that deodorant. Day three—check.

32

If you’re like me, you’ve probably spent lots of time in prayer doing most of the talking, and not much listening. But then there are those moments when God speaks back to you—and it rocks your world.

This is NOT the stupidest thing you’ve ever done!

God’s whisper interrupted my anxious thoughts, and my doubts about my own sanity. I am with you in this battle; I hear your prayers. Keep circling. Well done, my daughter. My heavenly Father’s sweet words of assurance warmed the deepest parts of me, and I burst into grateful tears. And for the rest of the week, I did what I was told: I kept circling. Every morning. Long before most people were awake. And I didn’t give up.

The last day of this march, the seventh day, fell on a Saturday. Since it was not a work day, I was able to start much later. I had ample time to accomplish the task at hand, and I decided to walk in a much larger rectangle to avoid passing right in front of the coffee shop seven times, which would just seem weird if anyone noticed.

But most of all, I didn’t want my daughter to see me.

There are a lot of ways we can pray. Did I have to physically circle the coffee shop to get answers? No, probably not. I don’t think there’s really a “wrong” way to pray, as long as what we’re asking for aligns with God’s word, and as long as our purpose is ultimately to bring God glory. I can’t explain why I decided to do this except to say that I believe Holy Spirit prompted me to do it, and I complied. I figured, Why not? It worked for the children of Israel. Let’s just see what God will do.

For almost an hour my feet traced and retraced my path as shofar blasts rang out loud and clear from my pocket. Jackhammers, hissing bus brakes, honking cars, and other city noises tried to drown out the song of the shofar, but nothing could truly swallow it up. No earthly noise can drown out the music of God and angels, I thought.

Nearing the end of my seventh and final march around the coffee shop, I silently debated one last thing: If I were to follow the Jericho model to a “T,” I would need to find a place to break my silent walking and shout at the top of my lungs. I didn’t want onlookers to chalk me up as another crazy Jesus freak, so out of touch

“If we know that the light of God is surrounding us and coming from us and it’s illuminating all of our shadows and all of our darkness and we have nothing hidden then we can actually change the world.

It makes me want to cry because we’ve never needed light like we need it right now.

We’ve never needed more clarity.”

- Steffany Gretzinger

33

with what’s “normal” that I couldn’t function in the real world. But this whole week had been about rejecting “normal” and breaking out of my comfort zone in prayer, about putting my faith into action by following a not-so-normal biblical model, and it seemed important to abandon all decorum and shout away.

The street corner my daughter probably had to cross as she walked from her apartment to her workplace seemed like a good place to shout. I thought of it as a “gate” that stood between her and the coffee shop. As I neared the spot, I prayed that as I stood on it and shouted to God, the gate would slam shut and keep her away from the coffee shop for good. In broad daylight, with all kinds of people bustling around me, I stood on that corner and shouted, “Thank you, Jesus! You are victorious!” a few times. Then I ran to my car as fast as I could.

I don’t know what I expected to happen. I have to admit I prayed that the walls of the coffee shop would suddenly shake and collapse right then— without anyone getting hurt, of course. That would’ve been an incredible miracle, but God knows the best ways to accomplish His plans. Come what may, I had done my part. I had obeyed the promptings of Holy Spirit; I had partnered with God in prayer His way. What a week of learning to persevere, to take God at His word, and to keep trusting, even when it’s not clear what the outcome might be. It was hard, uncomfortable, and challenging in every way imaginable, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Time passed, and in the weeks to come I often thought of going back and circling more since I didn’t see immediate answers, but I sensed a peace from God that I had done all that I was asked to do; now it was up to God to move, and it was up to me to rest, believe, and trust Him. I felt such a peace about it that I even kind of forgot about it…And then about six weeks later, a friend mentioned he’d heard about a coffee shop on Queen Anne Hill that was shutting down, and he said, “I hope it’s not the place where your daughter works.” My heart raced. Could it be?

I googled the name of the coffee shop, and the first thing that popped up was a link to a GoFundMe

34

campaign on the company Facebook page. I clicked on it, and I could hardly believe my eyes!

After 18 years of successful operations, 18 years of garnering the adoration of faithful patrons, the owner had suddenly been notified that her lease was being terminated without warning. She had set up the campaign in the hopes of raising enough money to keep paying her employees while she looked for another space for her business.

This was big news in Seattle, and I read every article I could find on the subject. The story was always the same: The owner insisted she had never been late on her rent, she had not only taken good care of her space, but she had spent her own money to improve it, she had complied with all of the terms of the lease, and she couldn’t understand why she was being asked to leave. I know why! I kept telling myself.

Jesus said, “Whatever you ask for in my name, I will do it.” That’s quite a statement, don’t you think?

And if Jesus made that promise to us, why should it come as a surprise that He would shut down a favorite coffee shop in Seattle to rescue a precious child of His from a toxic environment? Things like this seem so impossible to us, but nothing is impossible with God. There is nothing He won’t do for His children who ask according to His will.

The owner found a new place for her business and reopened a few months later, but in the meantime, my daughter quit and started working somewhere else. That was what I had prayed for, and God answered so faithfully.

What “Jericho” needs to come down in your life, or in the life of a loved one? Who do you know that needs someone to fight on his or her behalf? What obstacles are keeping you from entering your own promised land? Whatever that thing is you want God to fix, it’s not too big for Him to accomplish, and it’s not too small to bring before Him in earnest prayer. Seek God about how He would have you pray, and be open to breaking out of your usual patterns of prayer. God loves it when we come to Him with the kind of faith that moves mountains—or shuts coffee shops down

Author Bio Kelli Hamann is a pastor’s wife, mother, grandmother, teacher and freelance author. She has been married to her husband, Dan, since 1986, and they have served in many different types of ministry, foreign and domestic. She and Dan currently pastor Canyon Creek Church in Everett, WA, where Kelli serves on the worship team and in kids church. In 2014, Kelli self-published, “Extraordinary Lives of Ordinary Fools”, which chronicles the triumphs and trials she faced during the years she and Dan founded and ran an inner city ministry in Portland, Oregon. She also serves as the chief moderator for the online Bible forum, eBible.com, and regularly contributes inspirational articles. She will be co-hosting our Gals That Pray Facebook Group.

35

Beauty Starts In The

By Katie Ballantyne

I

was that little girl. The one who could play with Barbies and dolls for countless hours! And with that came styling Barbie’s hair. Sometimes even trimming and cutting my Barbie’s hair was needed to achieve that perfect “look”. It was not uncommon for me to add makeup to my doll’s faces too. Oh my. Wasn’t my mother loving and gracious to allow this little creative soul to be expressed in these ways while I was at play?

Indeed she was. God bless her!

As a teen, I was definitely always experimenting with makeup and hair on myself and others. This was a new world for me and I loved every aspect of this thing called “beauty”. Well, it took me a little longer than some to finally give into my career calling but eventually I did.

I suppose in God’s perfect timing it all came to pass.

In my early twenties, I married a wonderful man (still my husband today) and our little family quickly grew.

The Lord blessed us with a precious baby boy and then two years later, precious twin daughters. I chose to stay at home with our little ones when they were young, which I believe is such a special calling if you are a stay at home parent. Those were some of the best years of my life and I wouldn’t trade those days and times at home with my children for anything! God was so good to give me those years with our children.

When our children reached school-age, we were at that stage where we were needing some extra income because we all know it’s not cheap raising kids these days. It had been about eight years since I last worked and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the time had come in my life to pursue the work that had always been on my heart. With the encouragement of my husband and family, I went back to school to grow those skills that already existed in me. As we grow older, the sense of “it’s now or never” does come

36

knocking a little more often. So with God leading the way and my family completely behind me, I began a wonderful, new and fulfilling career in the beauty industry.

I’ve never looked back. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am today but God has also blessed my makeup artistry business beyond what I ever could’ve hoped for or imagined! He’s opened doors that I could’ve never opened on my own. I’ve been in the beauty industry for eight years now and have run a freelance makeup artistry business for six of those. I specialize in bridal makeup and do hair and makeup for lifestyle, editorial, fashion and TV. I am now able to put to use those gifts and abilities that God gave me at a young age.

And looking back, I see how He created me with these gifts and desires to be creative. Having the chance to work with many different kinds of people, be artistic and creative, all the while being able to help people feel their best has been so rewarding. Having a business of my own also allows me to have some control over when I work and how much I work, which is a huge help to me while we are still raising our children who are now all teenagers. It is so important to me, to be extremely involved in their day to day lives, so I’m grateful my work allows me to do that.

As Christian women, how do we bridge the two separate worlds of inward beauty with the outward appearance of makeup and hair? Is it a paradox? The best way I can explain this is summed up in one of my favourite beauty quotes: “Makeup is art. Beauty is spirit”. Can I hear an Amen? Beauty is ALL about spirit.

Who we ARE, not what we look like.

Beauty is about our personality, our soul, our heart.

Heart

37

This is where true beauty begins. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Every single human being is fearfully and wonderfully made, beauty-full!

Sister, that’s you and that’s me. Regardless of what we look like, how old or young we are, what brand of makeup we use or don’t use, how many wrinkles we have, if we are tall or short, how much we weigh, the color of our skin; none of it matters. We are so completely beautiful without even considering any of these exterior aspects. Praise God that He made us just as we are and He looks at our hearts.

What He finds in our hearts matters more to Him than anything else. In 1 Samuel 16:7, it says, “For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The older I get, the more I realize this important truth about beauty. In our culture today, we often get this a little mixed up unfortunately. I think too often people worry far too much about what they look like and not near enough about the conditions of their hearts. Do you agree that some of the most beautiful people you have met were people with amazing hearts? I’ve certainly found this to be true.

So where does that leave us makeup girls, the girls who like to go glam? Is that you? I confess, that’s me.

And based on this quote: “Makeup is Art. Beauty is Spirit”, we CAN still focus on our inward beauty AND be creative and have fun with makeup at the same time. The two worlds can collide. It’s using the gifts and abilities God gave us to be creative with color, texture,

tools and products. For example, I love experimenting and trying new techniques and looks. I adore the look on a woman’s face after I’ve done her makeup and she looks in the mirror and delights at how her eyes “pop” with the colors I used or the method I used in applying her makeup to bring out her favourite features. My clients often leave feeling a little more confident, which I love!

To me makeup is not so much about how it makes us look, but rather how it makes us feel. Do I think I’m just as beautiful in God’s eyes without it? Absolutely, without question. But I also strongly believe that He is totally for me being creative with makeup on myself and others to bring out the beauty that already exists.

I love to use the creative talent that HE gave to me for this purpose.

I know that when God created and dreamed up each of us, He too had immense joy as He designed each detail of who we would be. The color of our eyes, our hair, our smile, the gifts we would develop, our sense of humor. The list goes on and on! Our Father loved creating us and it’s no surprise to me that He designed us to be creative as well. We were created in His image after all!

Can I leave you with one final thought? Whether you’re a makeup girl or love going “au-naturale”, there’s no right or wrong. And just like I found and continue to find joy in painting faces, God found such joy in dreaming you up and creating you, just the way you are. We know that full well. So celebrate the beauty that exists IN you. And never be afraid to play with a little makeup too. You’re beautiful from the inside out!

Huge thanks to all of our advertisers for supporting us and believing in our mission to inspire women to discover their vital place in the world and connect to the heart of God and each other as they come with us on the journey of redefining beauty as we know it.

And a big thanks to all of YOU, our readers and subscribers, who continue to partner with us as we tell stories of modern heroines that we hope will encourage you to believe you are one as well. Be sure to check out the discounts available to you as a recipient of this Spring/Summer Issue of our IB Journal.

38

Author Bio Katie Ballantyne is a professional freelance makeup artist located in Owen Sound, Ontario. She specializes in onlocation bridal makeup, special events, photo shoots: fashion, headshots, engagement, family and makeup lessons. More recently, adding commercial, editorial and TV makeup experience to her portfolio. Katie brings her talent, passion and experience to each client ensuring flawless and beautiful makeup. She will be celebrating her 20th wedding anniversary in May of this year and was a stay-at-home mom raising her son and twin daughters before jumping into the makeup industry. You can keep up with Katie on Instagram: @katieballantyne.mua

39

La Fin That’s a Wrap Wakas El fin das Ende Ka hopena Owari Jiéshù 끝

Tmiem Pungkasan Te Muntunga Dhamaadka Kraj Qetello Mwisho Kết thúc Isiphetho

www.imperishablebeauty.org 40

@imperishable.beauty