Thinking of Loving You by Ain Nabilah

Ain Nabilah

Published by:

Published by: IMAN PUBLICATION SDN BHD 12 JALAN INDUSTRI KIDAMAI 2/1, TAMAN INDUSTRI KIDAMAI 2, 43000 KAJANG, SELANGOR.

Publishing Coordinator Editor-in-Chief Acquisition Editor Manuscript Unit Lead Developmental Editor Copy Editor Proofreader Author Book Visual Unit Lead Book Cover Design Layout Designer

Tel. No.: +603-8940 7284 Email: admin@imanpublication.com

: Faizah Hamid : Rahmah Pauzi : Syahira Hozami : Auni Zainal : Nur Izzaidah Abdull Zubi : Nur'Ain Mamat : Benny Razali : Ain Nabilah : Husna Ab Rahman : Hani Raimi Ramli : Haziq Razack

THINKING OF LOVING YOU First Print September 2024 ISBN 978-629-7665-29-0

Printed by : Mihas Graf ik Sdn Bhd No 8, Jalan SR 4/18, Taman Serdang Raya, 43300 Seri Kembangan, Selangor.

If you have any feedback regarding this book (errors, defects or reviews) can be directed to this link: bit.ly/EF-IMAN

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of IMAN Publication Sdn Bhd. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, without the prior written consent of IMAN Publication Sdn Bhd.

Chapter 2 Sometimes, Yumna really wished that she could just ask her dad directly what kind of success he expects her to achieve. However, deep inside she knows what Erizal meant by work harder, and the definition of success that he was after. Whatever Erizal had been seeking can simply be found in Yusuf, Yumna’s brother.

Yusuf was born five years prior to Yumna, yet he had managed to achieve all of those that Erizal had ever wished for. Not only was he the first-born male, which is considered a trophy in most Asian households, but he is also a medical doctor who graduated with first-class honours from one of the top universities in the UK. He is now serving at the NHS (National Health Service), in which he got the job offer even before he graduated. To add the cherry THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 11

on top, he also published some research papers while studying in medical school.

As for Yumna, she only managed to graduate in second class from the London School of Economics and Political Science, with a degree in International Relations. Her dad initially suggested for her to take up one of the science courses. She did get an offer from some universities for an engineering degree, but she refused, and after she threatened her dad that she would not continue her study unless she gets to do what she wants, her dad finally succumbed to her request.

While being consumed with these memories, her eyes do not rest, instead they scan through the room before landing on a framed photo of her family during her graduation.

Her eyes are now fixed on the photo of her standing between her mom, Mazneen, who was smiling proudly, and her dad, Erizal who was half smiling and half laughing. Meanwhile her brother was standing behind Yumna with his hand on her shoulder. All of them looked happy. Were they? She remembers that on that day, right before they left for her graduation ceremony, Erizal said something that really impacted her.

12 | AIN NABILAH

“Congratulations

Yumna,

for

graduating.

Have you gotten any offers yet? I can contact some of my friends for potential positions available in the UK, or do you prefer Malaysia?”

“Daddy! I just graduated; I will get a job on my own. Why can’t you trust me? Why can’t you be happy for me today?” Yumna replied as her tears fell down her cheeks.

“I know you have just graduated, that is exactly why I am asking you this. I trust you, it is just that you often do not take things seriously, and you refuse to listen to me,” Erizal raised his voice as he was quite frustrated with his only daughter.

Instead of answering, she immediately went to her room, and started crying. Thanks to her mother and Yusuf who immediately tried to comfort her and reminded her that today was her graduation day, and she should focus on this particular achievement instead.

Both told her that Erizal loves her and did not mean what he said. She kept quiet, but deep within her, she knew Erizal meant every single word, that she is not a symbol of success, but rather a walking failure.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 13

She is now back to the present. Her eyes now move to the photo of her mother, Mazneen.

“Mummy, I am sorry.” Yumna utters the word before her tears fall. In the frame, her mother continues to smile.

In the frame, the 52-year-old woman still looks like she’s in her 40s at first glance, despite her ivory skin showing signs of age at some corners of her face.

Her eyes, however, convey the energy of youth.

Her mother is quite fair in comparison to her dad who has a rich mahogany skin tone, and she always complains to her mother as to why she wasn’t born with fair skin, too. Her mother however passed down the good complexion to Yusuf, her brother who is standing tall at 180 cm. In her eyes, her brother is perfect while she is merely a shadow behind him.

Growing up, it has always been her and her big brother, Yusuf. He has always been a loving and protective brother. Yumna cannot deny that fact. She remembers that he used to check on her during her first week of primary school in between his classes.

Despite him being four years older than her, he maturely took up that elder brother’s role and asked for his teacher’s permission to go and check on his little sister, Yumna.

14 | AIN NABILAH

Luckily, he was well-trusted and loved by the teachers due to his character and amazing well-rounded performance both academically and extracurricular participation. This went on daily for a week, until their parents found out about it, after Yumna proudly told her parents that she had a guardian at school to which she gained respect from her classmates.

Their parents scolded Yumna for causing Yusuf to miss classes just to check on her, but Yusuf protected her by saying it was all his fault as he was the one who initiated it to ensure that Yumna would be well-adjusted. Unlike Yumna, Yusuf was not scolded but rather praised for his action but was told to not to do it again.

Looking back, despite her parents always telling her that they love them both equally, she always felt inadequate and out of place within her family. Yusuf has always been a high achiever; this is proven true to this day today as he received multiple recognitions at work.

Yumna, on the other hand, despite usually managing to get good results in the primary exams such as UPSR, PMR and SPM, her results were usually on the average side during the yearly school exam.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 15

According to Erizal, Yumna did not study hard enough and could have achieved success if she had followed in Yusuf’s footsteps.

In school, she often made some silly mistakes during exams where she ended up getting easy questions wrong despite amazingly answering all the tough questions correctly. This further became one of the many reasons why in Erizal’s eyes Yumna had not tried hard enough to succeed.

Sometimes she wonders if her parents actually love her or is she simply just a burden to them, especially now that she is still unemployed after a couple of months out of university.

“Haih, hurm.”

Yumna lets out a heavy sigh, hoping that all her worries would fall down with it.

She grabs her phone and sets down the photo frame. Yumna opens the music app and types ‘One More Light’ in the search bar. The song by Linkin Park appears in the results. She taps the repeat button and hits play.

The moment the music starts playing, Yumna stands up. She then sits on the side of her bed, before

16 | AIN NABILAH

placing her phone down on her bedside table, and laying her body on the bed to rest.

Who cares if one more light goes out? In the sky of a million stars, it flickers, flickers.

As the song plays that part, Yumna closes her eyes tight, trying to amplify her feelings in effort to numb it away.

At the same moment, her phone screen turns bright as a message pops from someone named Andika, with a text that reads “Hey Yumi, you busy?

Want to hangout?” but Yumna does not see that text, as her eyes are still closed, and her mind wanders off with the lyrics.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 17

Chapter 3 Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?

The lyrics of the song plays repeatedly on Yumna’s headphones. For more than 30 minutes, it has been on loop, but suddenly it stops. Yumna is startled, especially her smartwatch is now starting to vibrate.

Yumna looks at her phone screen, and Andika’s name and photo appear on her phone screen, indicating that he is calling. She grabs her phone and presses the answer button.

“Hello. What’s up?” Yumna asks with a cheery tone, but also curious as she did not expect Andika to be calling her, at the moment.

18 | AIN NABILAH

“YUMNA! Where have you been? You did not reply to any of my texts. Other people cannot see if you have your phone in DND mode or not.

Is everything good? Are you okay?” Andika’s voice sounds worried, which makes Yumna chuckle, as she did not expect Andika to get worried over anything.

“It is not funny, Yumna. I was genuinely worried,” Andika raises his voice, trying to signal that he is not playing around.

“Haha. It is kinda funny, don’t you think?”

Yumna continues to laugh, but since Andika remains silent, Yumna stops laughing before she continues.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop. I am just annoyed.”

“Annoyed? Why? At me?” Andika asks, curious and slightly confused. He can’t recall anything that he could’ve done to annoy her. He wonders if the call that he is making is disturbing her peace. Andika quickly brushes the thought away and focuses on what Yumna has to say.

“No. Not you, obviously. It is just, everyone has gotten a job and I don’t even know how some of them secure an MNC job offer. Then that one girl from uni had the audacity to ask me if I am taking a gap year. It is obvious that she is trying to mock me!

Ugh, why can’t people just leave me alone?! Why am THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 19

I so unlucky?” Yumna gets so angry that she starts crying.

Andika on the other end, listens patiently, and he lets silence takes over for the next few minutes, mixing with the sound of Yumna sobbing. Her voice sounds heavy, as if each sob carries the pain that has been stuck within her.

“Hey. Don’t say that. Everything is within Allah’s plan, and all you need to do is just work hard towards the goal that you have. Do not compare yourself to others. You just need to do it at your own pace,” Andika attempts to comfort Yumna.

“It is easy for you to say. You got it easy.

You are lucky. I have worked hard, and yet I am nowhere,” Yumna refuses to listen to Andika. To her, Andika would never be able to understand her struggle. He was born with a silver spoon, graduated from a top university in the US, and now runs his own business. She is slightly envious of him.

“Yumna, you graduated from one of the top universities in the UK. Not everyone can do that!”

Andika replies.

“Yeah, but still, nothing,” Yumna pouts as she replies.

20 | AIN NABILAH

“You must’ve gotten some offers! Plus, I thought you mentioned that Uncle Erizal offered to help out with some of his friends?” Andika pivots the topic trying to distract her.

“Hurm, I did but nothing interesting. How did all of my friends get good offer superbly fast?”

Yumna complains.

“Firstly, I told you to apply six months before you graduate, and I am sure they did exactly that.

Secondly, what is wrong with the offer from your dad?” Andika replies.

“Why do you keep bringing up my dad’s offer?

I thought you were my friend. I want to succeed on my own, Andika! I don’t want this to be another reason why he would look down on me,” Yumna is now angry as she does not understand why Andika keeps on bringing that up, despite her ignoring it over and over again.

“Okay, okay. I am sorry. I won’t bring that up again. How about I treat you for coffee and Victoria sandwich cake?” Andika asks her.

“Really? Yes! Yes! Please. Wait a sec, what is the catch?” Yumna, who is initially excited, immediately becomes suspicious of him.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 21

“Just bring your laptop with you, and let me take a look at your CV and help you with your application,” Andika replies slowly, trying to stay on Yumna’s good side.

“But, I need to do this on my own!” Yumna is still stubborn with her principles.

“I did not say I would be doing anything. I would just show you how to do it better. It is as if you are taking a class from someone. No one is born instantly smart; you need people to teach you certain things,” says Andika.

“But...,” Yumna tries to decline but is intercepted fast by Andika.

“No buts. I will pick you up in an hour. Go and get ready now!” Andika hangs up the phone.

Yumna, slightly more cheerful after the phone call, decides to quickly get ready.

### A text message arrives a bit later from Andika to Yumna that reads, “Bring your laptop and charger. I will pick you up in an hour. Oh, and do let Uncle and Aunty know about you meeting me. See ya!”

22 | AIN NABILAH

Yumna replied “Okay”. She locks her phone and places it on her study table. Her swollen eyes glare into the full body mirror attached to the wall beside her bathroom door. She then walks slowly towards her closet located on the left side of the bathroom door.

She smiles, unable to believe it has been 20 years since she first met Andika.

Looking inside her closet, with the long panel of clothes hanging neatly and crammed together, feels like stepping into a miniature version of a bustling clothing department in a mall. To Yumna, this was the perfect hiding spot — not here specifically, but at the clothing department of a mall where she first met him.

Yumna was four years old at that time, and her only motive was to hide from her parents and see if they would be able to find her. She took the chance to go into hiding the moment her parents were busy discussing some items that they were interested in buying at the mall, and her brother was already deep in trance reading the book that he brought with him.

The clothing section was not far from where her parents were standing, but it was packed with clothes with a space wide enough for Yumna to hide

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 23

at the back comfortably while hiding. It was not long after Yumna went into hiding that she was found by a boy who is four years older than her. The boy was looking for a different size for the clothes that were already in his hand. As he was moving each of the clothes on the panel, he was shocked to find a young girl behind it.

Before he could scream or say anything, the mall speaker was playing a short tune to grab everyone’s attention to the announcement that followed.

“Attention all shoppers: We have an urgent announcement regarding a missing child. A young girl named Yumna, who is wearing a red dress, and black shoes. She is four years old, and is wearing a red bow on her head. She has brown eyes and black hair. If you see her or have any information, please immediately notify our staff at the notification centre, located in the middle of the mall. Your assistance in locating Yumna is greatly appreciated. Thank you.”

The moment the announcement finished, Yumna’s face turned pale. The boy however made the connection that the girl that he had just met matched the description of the announcement made. Without hesitation, he screamed and called for his mom.

“Mama! Come here!”

24 | AIN NABILAH

“What is it, Andika? Is everything okay?” asked Isabelle toward her son.

“Mama, look, I found the missing girl. I think her parents are looking for her,” Andika said excitedly.

“Oh. Hello, darling. Do you want to come out here and look for your Mom and Dad?” asked Isabelle with a calm voice while she started to kneel down to be at the same eye level as Yumna.

Yumna, who was still shocked, nodded slightly and grabbed Isabelle’s hand before following both Andika and Isabelle toward the notification centre.

The moment she saw her parents, Yumna immediately let go of Isabelle’s hand and ran towards them while crying.

“Hey, is everything okay? It is okay, we are not angry. You are safe,” said Mazneen, hugging Yumna.

“Sorry,” Yumna who was still crying replied half sobbing.

“Do not be away from Mommy and Daddy again. It is dangerous. It is very lucky that you were found by this kind aunty,” warned Erizal.

“Wait, aren’t you Isabelle? Erizal, it is Isabelle!” said Mazneen half screaming from the excitement.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 25

“Ali’s wife. Your friend Ali that we are meeting shortly!” continued Mazneen as he saw her husband’s puzzled face.

“Ohhh, sorry I did not notice you there, I was too focused on Yumna. Where is Ali? Before I forget, thank you for saving my daughter,” said Erizal.

“No worries, it was not me who found her. It was actually Andika, my son. Ali is already at the restaurant, he wanted to wait there instead while we do some quick shopping here.”

“Thank you, Andika, for helping Yumna!

Yumna, say thank you to Andika,” said Mazneen, while she nudged her daughter to thank Andika.

“Thank you. Can you be my friend?” asked Yumna.

“No,” Andika replied, short and stern.

“Why? Please!” Yumna started sobbing again.

“I don’t want to be your friend because you love to cry.”

“Please,” Yumna started crying again.

“Fine, fine. I will be your friend, but do not cry again!”

26 | AIN NABILAH

“Yeay!”

In a split moment, Yumna went from crying to smiling and running around happily.

### “Oh, what a simple day. I wish I could just hide in this closet now, away from everything,” says Yumna to herself, the moment she is now back to her present self. The clock is now showing 10 am, and she has less than 20 minutes to get ready before Andika arrives.

“Well, I better start getting ready or I will be late.”

Yumna then selects her clothes, closes the closet, and starts to get ready.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 27

Chapter 4 Andika looks at his phone, after he pressed the end call button. He chuckles a little. He cannot believe that his friendship with Yumna has lasted for 20 years now.

The friendship began when his mom, Isabelle told him about his parents’ close friends whom they haven’t met for a while, who were coming back from the UK. Isabelle mentioned about the two children of Erizal and Mazneen; Yusuf and Yumna. He was told that he needed to be nice to them, take care of them and most importantly be their friend.

Andika initially refused, as for him it would be such a nuisance to take care of a little girl, whilst having Yusuf as a friend sounded nice, as he would

28 | AIN NABILAH

be able to invite him to play his games and toys collection, but the little girl felt like a burden to him.

“Come on darling, can you do it for Mama?” persuaded Isabelle to no avail.

“How about Mama buys you that Lego set you’ve always wanted?” Isabelle asked, trying to get Andika’s attention. To no surprise, Andika instantly agreed.

“Aww, that’s my good boy. You need to always be nice to her, especially throughout her stay for at least a week to get their house ready for them to move in. If you succeed, then I will get you the set that you wanted. Okay?”

Andika nodded fast. For him, that Lego set was worth whatever the work that he would be putting next.

“Thank you, my darling. Tomorrow, we will go to the airport, now go and brush your teeth, and change into your pyjamas before going to bed. Love you.”

“Love you, Mama,” replied Andika. In his mind all he could think about was the moment he will get to play with his new Lego set.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 29

### “How old are you?” Yumna asked Andika, while they were both seated at the back of Andika’s dad’s car. Yusuf was sitting next to Yumna, reading his second book silently.

“I am eight, you?” replied Andika.

“I am four! Are you older than Abang?” asked Yumna to Andika, but before Andika managed to reply, Yumna shouted.

“Abang! Is he older than you?”

“Yumna, don’t shout. I am just next to you!

You are eight, right Andika?” Andika nodded softly, while Yusuf continued, “Okay I am older than him, I am nine, but all of us can be friends. You need to be nice to Andika because he is older than you, like me. Okay?”

“Okay, Abang. Sorry, Andika. Do I need to call you Abang too because you are older than me?”

“No! Just Andika.”

“Okay! Do you have toys at home? Do you have any doll houses? Is your house big? When are we going to arrive?”

30 | AIN NABILAH

“I have toys for boys, not for girls,” said Andika firmly.

“Darling, what did I say about sharing toys?

Remember our promise?” Isabelle interrupted the conversations that had been going on at the back.

“Sorry, Mama. Yumna, you can play with my toys.”

“Yeay! Toys!” Yumna couldn’t stop smiling as she was so happy after hearing that there will be toys and someone to play with.

“Yumi, what do we say when people offer something to us?” Mazneen suddenly spoke.

“Thank you, Andika!” Yumna now smiled and sat silently at the back of the car.

They were on their way to take a look at Yumna’s family house that they would be moving into. Andika’s dad, Ali, is Erizal’s best friend since back when they were in the university together.

Despite them staying far away from one another, they still kept in touch, and Ali was the first one to offer assistance once he found out that Erizal was moving back to Malaysia the moment he and his wife finished their PhD in the UK.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 31

Yumna and her family were currently staying at a hotel at the city centre. They took a taxi to the mall where Erizal had made prior arrangements to meet Ali there.

Ali treated Erizal’s family for lunch and had then offered to drive them to their house to check on the progress of the shipping and cleaning company who would be setting up their items that they have shipped back and getting everything ready for their new home.

They only had a quick stop to check out the house before the two families later went for a drive around the city, before Ali dropped Yumna’s family off at their hotel.

“Thank you Ali, for everything,” said Erizal.

“Erizal, come on. It is nothing. Do let me know if you need anything else. Just call me at my office or home,” Ali replied.

“Thank you. We will definitely be in touch now that we live in the same area,” replied Erizal, sincerely grateful for the kindness shown by his friend.

“Here,” said Andika to Yumna before he shoved a shopping bag filled with some clothes and

32 | AIN NABILAH

toys for both Yusuf and Yumna which was prepared

by Isabelle as a welcome gift for them.

“What?” asked Yumna while her hand quickly opened the bag, and she was so happy the moment she saw there were some dresses and toys in it.

“Is this for Yumna?” asked Yumna, surprised.

Andika nodded slowly.

“Mommy,

I

got

some

toys!”

Yumna

immediately shouted at her mom.

“Mommy, I got a friend now! Andika is my friend!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I saw that you got plenty of toys in there, say thank you to Uncle Ali, Aunty Isabelle and Andika now,” replied Mazneen as she looked at her daughter’s face that was now all lit up.

“Thank you, Uncle Ali,” Yumna bowed down, as a sign of respect.

“Thank you, Aunty Isabelle,” she continued to shake her hand.

“Thank you, Andika,” she managed to wave Andika as a sign of thankfulness.

Yumna uttered her appreciation to each person one by one, and with each thank you she THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 33

bowed slightly, as this was what she recently learned through her brother when he was reading a Japanese comic book.

“Thank you for taking care of Yumna, Andika.

Can you help to look after her for me?” asked Mazneen to Andika.

Andika nodded. Everyone said thank you once again before Ali’s family drove back.

### Andika stands in front of the mirror, fixing his shirt.

He thinks about Yumna, who used to be so confident and independent. She had done so well in the UK, finishing her studies. But now, she feels left out when she compares herself to her friends.

“Of course I will take care of her, Aunty.

Especially now,” Andika says to himself, remembering a promise he made a long time ago. He ties his shoelaces, getting ready to pick up Yumna to help her with her job application.

“I just wish you see yourself the way I see you.” Andika sighs, as the conversation he had with Yumna before replays in his mind.

34 | AIN NABILAH

“She used to be so confident, and strong. Now it feels like she has lost herself. Probably because she keeps on comparing herself to her friends.” He pauses.

“I just want her to be happy.” He took a deep breath before picking up his phone.

“It is on. Will provide you with an update soon,” he types and sends the message to Erizal.

He grabs his keys before making his way out of his house.

THINKING OF LOVING YOU | 35

Want to read more?

Grab your copy now at www.imanshoppe.com or your nearest bookstores.

Follow us on social media for more great contents!

www.imanpublication.com

@imanpublication

https://t.me/KakIman