Sample chapter Turn to Hope

Ezzah Mahmud

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Published by: IMAN PUBLICATION SDN BHD 12 JALAN INDUSTRI KIDAMAI 2/1, TAMAN INDUSTRI KIDAMAI 2, 43000 KAJANG, SELANGOR.

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: Faizah Hamid : Rahmah Pauzi : Zahidah Azman : Ezzah Mahmud : Auni Zainal : Benny Razali : Benny Razali : Nur Ainul Fatihah Mohamad Nafi : Husna Ab Rahman : Haziq Razack : Intan Darwina : Intan Darwina

WHEN WORRIES TURN TO HOPE First Print February 2025 ISBN 978-629-7665-48-1

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When I worry about the path I am on, knowing it is far from a walk in the park and can often be treacherous or unclear.

I remind myself that my hope and faith lie with Allah SWT, the ultimate source of it all.

ُ ۡ ُ � ‫َ​َوَقَاُلُوْا ْ َ​َح ۡ​ۡسُبُ َ​َنا‬ ‫ٱُهَّلل َ​َو ِن ِۡۡع َ​َم ٱۡل َ​َو ِك ِيُل‬

“…And they said, ‘Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.’”

(Surah Ali ‘Imran: 173)

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INTRODUCTION

Who Takes Care of Me?

“Are you sure you want to go back to Malaysia? We’ll definitely miss you here.”

One of my dearest colleagues made this remark as I prepared a cup of Yorkshire tea during break time. The conversation took place in between assisting passengers, as I worked as a Mobility Assistant at Edinburgh Waverley Station with LNER (London North Eastern Railway), a free service provided by the train operator for anyone in need of assistance to and from their trains, including people with special needs, the elderly, or simply anxious travellers.

It was a part-time position I took while pursuing my lifelong dream—getting a Master’s degree in documentary filmmaking at The University of Edinburgh, Scotland.

While working there, I came to understand just how important it is to have a supportive ecosystem and environment for those in need. I found myself praying for others, showing them empathy and kindness, especially towards the elderly, assisting them in traveling and making them feel uplifted and welcomed.

I could somehow see my elderly parents in each and every one of them. Working in that position made me realise that empathy towards the elderly and special needs community needs to be nurtured.

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The conversation with my colleague was casual yet meaningful. I told her about my plan to return home as soon as my student visa expired and that I was not planning to renew it into a Post-graduate Visa—a visa offered to post-graduate students after completing their studies, allowing them to work in the country legally.

At that time, I was still contemplating the decision.

It was not easy to share this with her, and uttering it felt a bit melancholic because deep down, I also did not want to go home, at least not so soon.

As the expiration date of my student visa approached, it began to feel real. I had a hard time processing it. Was I throwing away the chance of a lifetime?

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Maybe I Tend to Forget the One Who Guards and Cares for All I must admit; sometimes I feel exhausted. It is as though I have experienced so much in my life. I have lived a life constantly thinking about and putting others first and foremost, taking care of them and giving them the best I can offer. But… what about me?

Who takes care of me?

I should be the one to take care of myself, but can I have someone else to do the same? Self-care always comes last for the caregiver. In fact, I do not think I am the best caregiver for myself. I easily forget about myself when it comes to looking after my own needs.

The extreme doubt and overwhelming uncertainty stay with me throughout this journey. It is something I have to face constantly, day in and day out. This feeling of not knowing how things will unfold leaves me in a state of limbo, unclear of what the future might hold.

What will happen if I choose the path of caregiving rather than follow my lifelong dream?

Will I still be able to be the best person I want to be for my parents, giving them my attention, unconditional love and unwavering support and care?

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Could it be possible for me to still have a career that I can be proud of?

But, how can I ever say no to the person that I care most about, the one who has always cared for me, nurtured me, to the best of her ability, and raised me to be the person that I am today?

The one who carried me in her womb, bravely and courageously, while struggling with life-threatening health complications?

As I brave through this, tears streaming down my cheeks every other day, the world weighing on my shoulders. I feel like I have to care for everyone and everything. I have to guard their peace. I have to stand tall and be strong. I have to take care of myself in spite of it all. How can I even care for my mother, when I am still figuring things out?

But, she needs me! More than ever. I am her daughter, and no one can take that truth away.

These are all the emotions I am struggling to navigate.

Perhaps, in my rush to make sure that I have everything under control, in making sure I care for everything, not missing anything out, I just have forgotten about the One who Guards and Cares for everything in this universe.

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Maybe, I forgot about Allah Al-Wakeel.

The Supreme Trustee.

The One whom I can fully entrust to take care of me.

In every breath that I take.

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Feeling Humbled When Things Did Not Go My Way I realised that this whole experience of growing up with a mentally ill parent made me place a different kind of expectation on myself. I felt that I had much more to prove to the people around us, some of whom could be condescending and unkind towards my mother. It became my duty to always strive and show them that I was proud of my mother despite her illness.

I genuinely wanted to be there for her, to always be on her team, cheering and caring for her, but that also put me in a constant state of alert as a child. In many ways, it felt like I left myself no other choice but to fulfil that role.

If I wanted to be more than that, I had to make sure I planned everything to the finest detail, ensuring that everything was under control so I could tick all my boxes while still caring for my mother. I felt much better and more accomplished when I had a plan and lists to work with.

At the top of that list was my mother and what she might feel about it. I made it a priority to ensure that she would not be emotionally affected by anything I did, sharing only success stories and good news. I wanted to make sure she felt proud of me and knew that she was never a burden.

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I am an avid planner, and I enjoy making lists, setting goals, and giving my life attainable ambitions that help me progress and improve as a person. No matter how idealistic or preposterously ambitious my plans might be, I believe in myself enough to achieve them, as long as I maintain my intention and stay persistent.

After all, if I am not the first to believe in myself, how can I expect others to? I strive to give my very best and approach all that I pursue with ihsan (excellence). I am a firm believer in doing everything wholeheartedly, knowing that people can sense the effort and sincerity you put into your work.

I thrive on leading my life with intention, maintaining control over the things I can influence.

With control comes clarity and the ability to manage expectations, allowing me to work towards a future that is not left to mere chance. And yet, I have come to realise that I may have spoken too soon, and at times, been a bit naïve.

Right now, I find myself standing at a crossroads, having to choose an entirely new path. A path I had never really thought of or planned for. Now, the time to choose has come, earlier than I thought it would. It has now come to me directly, demanding attention and action.

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Indeed, I can make all the plans I want, but at the end of the day, Allah SWT is the best of planners. He is the Most Kind and the Most Merciful.

I find myself turning to Him more than ever, asking for strength to remain steadfast and to keep my head held high and my heart strong as I prepare to embark on this new journey.

This crossroads I find myself at does feel painful, and the only way I know how to deal with it is to strive for a bigger heart, to take myself out of the equation, and to sacrifice for the greater good. I tell myself that everything will be fine, but it is a struggle to hold onto that belief.

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The Unwavering Reliance of Prophet Ibrahim AS At times like this, when I feel low and defeated, I realise that, ultimately, I am the servant of my Lord, Allah SWT, The Most Kind, The Most Merciful. Every day, five times a day, in our prayers, we recite surah al-Fatihah, and within it, time and again, I affirm and firmly believe in my heart the verse:

َ َ‫اَك َ​َن ۡ​ۡع ُ​ُب ُ​ُد ِإَوَّي‬ َ َ‫ِإ َّي‬ ُ ‫اَك َن َ ۡ​ۡس َ​َتِع‬ ٥ ‫ُني‬ ِ ِ “You (alone) we worship, and You (alone) we ask for help.”

(Surah al-Fatihah: 5) This serves as a powerful reminder that I should not rely solely on myself but instead turn to Allah SWT for guidance and assistance, for He is Al-Wakeel, The Ultimate Trustee, The Guardian, The Protector.

Through all my actions, I am reminded that He knows exactly what I am going through, and all I need is faith. Strong faith and trust. After all, I am His creation, and He knows what lies in my heart.

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It is also an important moment to reflect and learn from the stories in the Quran. Allah SWT presents us with lessons that transcend time. These are not merely tales of the past; yes, they are indeed tales from a different time, but the teachings remain as relevant today as ever.

One story that deeply resonates with me is that of Prophet Ibrahim AS and his unwavering reliance on Allah SWT. It is a story of complete trust, surrender, and dependence upon Him and only Him. Time and again, I reflect on the manifestation of faith displayed by Prophet Ibrahim AS, whose steadfast devotion and trust in Allah SWT stand as a true example of exaltation and worship.

The story of Prophet Ibrahim AS is the story of ultimate belief and faith. He persistently called his people to believe in Allah SWT, the One True God. He urged them to abandon their idols and devote themselves solely to Allah SWT. With all his might, he presented proofs and intellectual arguments, yet they remained unmoved, holding stubbornly to their beliefs. Recognising that they could not easily defeat Prophet Ibrahim AS in debate or reason, they turned to the tools of tyranny, strength and power to oppose him.

His community united to kill him in an inferno.

They set a huge fire to burn him, sending a message that he would die, along with the truth that he preached and

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carried. The flames grew and burned intensely. They tied Prophet Ibrahim AS and launched him into the fire, ready to witness his body engulfed by the flames.

With full devotion and steadfastness, Prophet Ibrahim AS cried:

ُ ْ ُ � ‫َ​َح ْ​ْس ُبُ َ​َنا‬ ‫اُهّٰلل َ​َو ِن ِْْع َ​َم اْل َ​َو ِكِْيُْل‬ “Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Protector (Wakeel).”

Allah SWT, Al-Wakeel, responded without delay:

�� ً � َ َ ٗ ۡ َ ُ ُ َ � َُۡ َ ‫ٰٓىَلَع ِإ ۡبۡ �َٰر ِٰه‬ ٓ ٰ ٦٩ ‫ِيَم‬ ‫ا‬ ‫ًم‬ ‫َٰل‬ ‫َس‬ ‫َو‬ ‫ا‬ ‫ٗد‬ ‫ۡر‬ ‫َب‬ ‫ُك‬ ِ ‫ُقۡلَنا َٰيَٰناُر ويِني‬ “We ordered, ‘O fire! Be cool and safe for Ibrahim!’”

(Surah al-Anbiya’: 69)

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Although they were determined to harm him, Allah SWT also declared:

ُ َ​َ​َ َ َ‫اُدوْا ْ ِبِهِۦ َ​َك ۡ​ۡي ٗ​ٗدا َف‬ َ ‫َج َ​َع ۡ​ۡل �َٰنٰ ُ​ُه ُ​ُم �ٱَأۡلَ ۡ​ۡخ �ِرَس‬ ٧٠ ‫يَن‬ ‫َوَأ َر‬ ِ ِ “They had sought to harm him, but We made them the worst losers.”

(Surah al-Anbiya’: 70)

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Letting Go of Control to the One in Control This act of tawakkul, of letting go of control to the One who is truly in control, is a clear acknowledgment that Allah SWT, Al-Wakeel, governs every aspect of our lives.

Nothing in this universe moves without His permission. He is in charge, in control of everything in this world.

Prophet Ibrahim AS had no doubt in his heart that no harm could come to him unless Allah SWT permitted it. This story serves as a profound reminder for me, that Allah SWT will protect and preserve the believers. Only to Al-Wakeel do we take refuge and rest all of our affairs to Him. In making wise decisions and putting in effort in everything that we do, it is important to prioritise and put Allah SWT first, for He will make our matters easy. He will guide us and send help in ways we never expected.

To do things only for His sake and to really question deeply, “Is what I am doing now something Allah would be pleased with?”

To work hard towards gaining His Mercy and Love.

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To expect nothing but only the best of outcomes in our eternal life in Jannah.

This is something that I am still struggling with— to truly let go and leave it to Allah SWT takes strength and courage to a level that is beyond me and only with Him lies the peace and tranquillity. To let go is to let Allah SWT do His work. It is no longer under my power.

Despite my struggle, I feel that the strength to move forward actually comes to me when I wholeheartedly surrender all expectations and outcomes to Him, as indeed He knows what is best for me.

I have to constantly find my ways to balance out between relying in totality with Allah SWT, and at the same time going for things that have been my dreams.

I am finding the balance in doing what I think best for me, for my deen, for my family and for my future self in my pursuit of being a caretaker, and at the same time, earning and working towards my career goals.

But again, why do I worry and doubt so much about what the future holds, when Allah SWT knows my struggles and will take care of me?

I am in the best of hands. Truly, Allah SWT is AlWakeel. To trust Him fully, in totality, is the best way forward.

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