Tawbah
Zur'ain
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: Faizah Hamid : Rahmah Pauzi : Fakhrur Radzi : Zahidah Azman : Zur'ain : Auni Zainal : Nur Izzaidah Abdull Zubi : : : Husna Ab Rahman : Haziq Razack : :
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Tawbah
Zur'ain
Published by:
The Illusion of Success A few days ago, I bumped into an ex-colleague — ten years after resigning from the corporate world. She almost didn’t recognise me, which was no surprise because I wasn’t the same girl that I was a decade ago. I am probably the exact opposite of how my ex-colleague remembers me. The woman in front of her was now fully covered in a plain black abaya with a dark maroon hijab draped loosely over her chest, socks on both her feet and arms — a look made complete with a fully-covered pair of loafers. It was great bumping into her after all this time. We were lunch buddies back then, senior executives in a prestigious oil & gas company, and were quite competitive when it came to work. Today, she’s a senior manager in the same company eyeing for a higher post, while I’m just me, a stay-at-home mom with no fixed income like I used to have ten years ago. I was raised with the idea that women who were able to secure high-ranking, top-management positions in Fortune 500 companies were successful women. As I reflect on this belief I once held, I can’t help but wonder — does that make me, a stay-at-home mom, relying on my husband’s income, an unsuccessful one? ***
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If I were to describe the meaning of ‘success’ decades ago, that ex-colleague of mine is exactly what comes to mind — an independent, empowered and stable career woman who seems to run her family and household effortlessly. To me, success is when you get what you want and you are happy because of it. Thriving for success has been an idea embedded in my life from as early as my school years. I was the classic high-achiever, known for always excelling in my examinations which eventually earned me a scholarship to further my studies in the UK. The freedom that I gained from being miles away from my parents’ surveillance gave me a different meaning of success. The wild child inside me escaped, and was blinded with what the world had to offer at the time. Being a rebel, I found a different kind of happiness that I never knew existed before. The fearless fire of youth blended with the sweet taste of newfound freedom meant nights of staying out late, as long as I wanted and making my own decisions all while being away from the watchful eyes of my family at home. My quest for achieving success didn’t just stop during my degree years. I graduated, secured a job as an engineer, got happily married to the love of my life, and
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became a proud parent to three beautiful and successful children (from my biased parent perspective, of course). Alhamdulillah. This was how I perceived success—chasing after big wins and enjoying the feeling of happiness that came with them. Perhaps I took longer than most people, but eventually I found myself asking: What’s next?
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Is Happiness Promised with Success? We all long for happiness. No matter who we are, what we look like, or where we come from, we are all united in the universal pursuit of happiness—or at least, what we believe happiness to be. The meaning of happiness may vary from one person to another, but without a doubt, gaining success has always been perceived as the golden key to unlocking happiness. If you succeed, you will be happy. If you fail, you need to work harder to succeed so that you will be happy. We are expected to unlock doors after doors of success in our quest for happiness. At least, that’s what our elders used to tell us when we were small, “just be a good child, study hard, get a degree, find a job, build your family, live your dream and you’ll be happy.” We learned that while happiness is an internal experience of contentment and fulfillment, success is about the attainment and achievement of external goals. Hence, to arrive at the state of happiness, one must first work hard to achieve success. A child receiving a toy after completing house chores would regard it as a success. A student acing his exams after all the hard work would define it as a success. An
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owner of a company would see success when the business brings in profit that is double or triple the previous years. An employee would think the pinnacle of a successful career is getting good appraisals, promotions in rank and a rise in salary. It is the success attained from achieving our goals that gives us that feeling of elated happiness. But what happens when the hard work has been put in and success has been achieved, yet we don’t feel the happiness we seek? Could there be something wrong with the way we understand success and happiness?
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When the Ego Resists Surrender For years, I told myself that I wasn’t ready for the hijab. It was never on my agenda. To some extent, I had absorbed the toxic belief that those who covered themselves were outdated, not modern, and might be the reason some people are left behind from progressing. When I started working, I found myself surrounded by co-workers wearing hijab, and I did begin to develop an interest in covering up. I shared my thoughts with some friends and family members. Some did not respond to me, and some were bold enough to exclaim: “You and hijab? I couldn’t compute!”, “You would look weird with a hijab, with that square face of yours. Are you sure you want to give it a try? You know that you won’t be able to take it off once you put it on, right?” The responses convinced me hijab was not meant for me at that time. I put away the idea of covering my awrah, deciding to never pursue the idea of wearing a hijab after much deliberation. I was convinced with the saying, ‘If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Hidayah is from Allah’. Cancer was the plot twist. When my husband told me to wear the hijab on our first meeting with the oncologist, I negotiated with him. I told him that I
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wanted to focus on the treatment, and will cover up after everything is back to my normal, cancer-free life. My husband had always supported me in whatever my decisions I made. But not this time. His response was spontaneous, right in my face: “Be thankful that you are not dead yet, and that Allah SWT tested us with you being diagnosed with cancer. Stop listening to shaytan’s doubt of whether you should or should not. It’s not our decision; it is Allah’s order. Shame on both me and you, should you decide not to wear the hijab because you weren’t ready or you are not sure of your intention. Remember, be thankful that you are still breathing. Don’t wait until your last breath to do what is obligated for you to do.” The Struggle to Follow Allah’s Command During my treatment, my parents stayed with me while my husband was away for work. I often heard my father’s gentle recitation of the Quran, and in those moments, I realised how far I had drifted. It had been so long that I could barely remember how to read it. It was during my remission stage that I started to pick up my Quran recitation after decades of leaving it behind. As I stumbled through Surah AnNur, ayah 31 struck me deeply, shifting something within me.
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The complete ayah is the foundation of modesty and dignity. What struck me is that the ayah begins with the calling, “And tell the believing women”, followed by Allah’s command for these believing women to guard their chastity by covering up and wearing the hijab. After the long elaboration, Allah ends the verse with the calling, “And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers.” At this point, He not only calls on the believing women, but also to all believers, men and women. SubhanAllah, that is not done without purpose and wisdom. Turn in repentance, so that everyone will be successful. Yet, there I was, disobeying His command, because I thought hijab would deter me from achieving success. What moved me was that the ayah didn’t end with Allah saying, “Only the perfect or the righteous are successful.” Instead, it is for every one of us who believes in His mercy, no matter how rebellious your past was, how intense and frequent your sins were. I knew that wearing the hijab was Allah’s command. It’s an obligation to every believing woman. But my ego kept resisting to submit. I was clinging to the fear of people’s opinions more than wanting to submit to Allah’s command. I was
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hoping for the approval of the people, rather than the acceptance of my Creator. Allah knows that some of us would struggle, delay, or even rebel in fulfilling His command. Little do we understand that His command serves not Him, but ourselves. Yet, the door of tawbah remains wide open. It isn’t about the cloth, it’s about the heart’s willingness to surrender, the ego that submits sincerely and the self that returns to Him, seeking and begging for His mercy. To return to Him, we need to change, redirect our destination, to reset our course. True hijrah is never easy. We need courage and determination to admit that our ego is partly to blame for our disobedience to Allah. Still, He nudges us, reminding us of how much our soul, our heart, and our truest self always long to repent and return to Him. Are We Always Waiting for Hidayah (Guidance)? Ego has always been the culprit within ourselves. We would rather pick disobedience to our Creator rather than change for the better. As ‘easy’ as tawbah may seem to be, most of us, at some point in time, struggle to walk on the path of tawbah. Our ego would start questioning our sincerity. In some instances, we even make the
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excuse that guidance has not yet arrived in our hearts. We justify our excuses by insisting that we have no control over what we do, and it’s all up to Allah’s hidayah. We are convinced that Allah hasn’t guided us enough to make it easy for us to change. How hypocritical could we be? We say we fear the burn, yet we reach for the boiling pot with bare hands, ignoring the handle that was made to save us from burning. We know the truth, but we act against it. In our spiritual blindness, dare we claim that we are still waiting for guidance, as if it entirely lies beyond our effort and is only from Allah to bestow when He wills? If only we were truly honest with ourselves, we would admit that it is our ego that refuses to submit to the guidance of Allah— guidance that has been with us for more than 1400 years.
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� ٞ َ � ٞ َ َۡ َ ُٗ ِ ن ِّل ِل ََّنَٰٞهَٰذا ََب ََيا ةٞاِس ََوُهٗدى َوَمۡوِعَِظ َ �ِّل ِۡۡل ُُم ََّت ١٣٨ َني ِِق
This [Quran] is a clear statement to humanity, and a guidance and admonition for the God-conscious. [Ali ‘Imran 3:138] Instead of obeying this guidance that has been made so clear to us, we resist. We adhere to the false, inflated ego that resides within us. There’s nothing wrong with one’s ego. It is one of Allah’s creations, embedded in each of us, so that we are mindful of it. The shaytan might not be wrong by arguing fire is better than clay. But it was his ego that invited Allah’s wrath upon him. It was his arrogance that got him kicked out of Paradise, to become a dweller of Hell for eternity. Fire may burn, destroy and rise, but it cannot submit. It’s a symbol of arrogance and ego. On the other hand, clay can be shaped, molded, and grounded. It symbolises humility, submission, and potential to rise through lowering oneself.
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So, why do we level ourselves with shaytan, not wanting to admit we are wrong for disobeying Allah’s command? Why don’t we choose to repent, so that we may be successful? Why are we worried about missing out or being the odd ones out? Why do we care so much about what people would say about us? Why do we let our ego resist surrender and lead us to failure, when all we need to do is repent?
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When Shame Builds the Wall Perhaps it was my ego that stopped me from wearing the hijab. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer and finally put on the hijab as I began my hijrah to draw closer to Allah, I was still doing it with much hesitation. I constantly questioned my own sincerity. Even worse, I worried about what people might think and say about my intention to cover up. Yet, a voice from within kept on telling me to “take that step”. The step that every believer should take, if we really and truly believe in Him. The step towards obedience, to being a true servant of Allah. The step towards repentance, for we know it is the weight of sins that burdens us and makes it so hard for our heart to change. Indeed, it is by repentance that we will be purified. It is by repentance that we shall be successful. I’m sure I’m not alone with this thought. You are reading this book not because you think you might like it. You’re reading it because you’re hoping that perhaps this is the missing piece you are looking for. The final push to take that first step, to turn to Him and repent. We must never deny the urge to repent. Stop telling ourselves that we are still waiting for hidayah. If only we knew, guidance comes to us in so many ways. In the postings we read on Facebook, in the videos we watch
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on YouTube, in the stories our friends share with us. It’s not that we are not guided or that it’s “not the right time”. All along, it has always been our ego standing in the way. “Will Allah accept my repentance? I have so many sins!”, “Am I really sincere in my repentance?”, “What if I go back to my old habits and sin again? Isn’t that the sign of hypocrites?”. And the list goes on. Cancer came to me like a loud alarm. It dragged me to the door of my hijrah, because suddenly I was forced into a reckoning: Where else could I go? And still, my ego hesitated to open the door, still wondered if I would really put on the hijab now, and the shaytan egged me on with doubt after doubt. I remember telling my husband, “I want to make it ‘real’. I want to wear the hijab because of Allah, not because I was diagnosed with critical illness. Let me go through the treatment and recover. I’ll learn about Islam and the reason why I need to cover up. Then, I will wear the hijab.” At that point, accepting the news of being diagnosed with cancer was the biggest test in my life. I knew my life was in jeopardy and there was no guarantee that I would heal and live longer even if I were to go through all the cancer treatment. But ever the optimist, I kept thinking I would heal and see no reason why I must wear the hijab.
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To my naive surprise, I found out that forcing myself to wear the hijab was even harder. I really wanted to turn away from that door, and I couldn’t understand why. Or maybe I did, but I just didn’t want to say it out loud. I remember asking Allah those cliche questions; Why me? Why now? Why cancer? All that stalling, explaining and justifying, it was my ego justifying my own shame of the sins that I’ve been carrying for so long. How foolish was I for not seeing that the focal point was obedience to Allah, no matter if I healed or not. Many of us delay making tawbah not because we don’t know it’s important, but because shame weighs us down. When we admit that we have been disobeying Allah for so long, the weight of the shame finally kicks in, heavier than we thought, and after that comes the fear of rejection. We feel too unworthy, too sinful, too far gone. We tell ourselves, “How can Allah forgive me after everything I’ve done?” That voice of shame convinces us that we don’t deserve to return to Allah. As we tread further on the path, the mountain of past sins and guilt seems to only grow heavier and we begin to blame ourselves relentlessly. At some point, it starts to haunt us. It haunts not just with shame and self-doubt, but with negative feelings toward others too. It distorts how we see ourselves and everything surrounding us.
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How many times have you felt overwhelmed and wished you could turn back time so that you could do all the obligatory prayers you missed? How many times have you questioned your own actions and paused, every time you are tempted to repent and return to Him? How many times you wanted to seek Allah’s forgiveness and make tawbah, but you think you have sinned so much that you can’t bear it? How many times have you worried about being insincere and not being able to be true to your words once you make the tawbah, and that you’ll continue to sin over and over again? After all, it wasn’t your first time, so who could guarantee it would be the last? I feel you. Been there, done that. Don’t Let Shame Cripple You In the Quran, it is stated that mankind is divided into two types: the repentant and the evildoer.
َ ُ ٰ � ُ ُ َ ٓ� ْ َُ ۡ ُ َ ۡ َ َ َ ِلُِموَن َوَمن َّلۡم َيُتۡب َفُأْو َٰٓل ِئَِك ُهُم ٱلَّٰظ And whoever does not repent, it is they who are the evildoers [Al-Hujurat 49:11]
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