Guidance for a struggling son the counselor

Our college-age son is making major decisions we don’t agree with, including dropping out of school. He’s technically an adult, but we’re worried the things he’s doing are going to negatively affect his life. How can we maintain healthy boundaries and also help him?

AThankfully, statistics show us that Millennials choosing to drop out of school and purposefully underperform are the exception rather than the norm. Most young adults are working hard to provide for themselves whether they choose college or not.

The “failure to launch” stereotype of the disengaged Millennial basement dweller is too common to label an urban myth, but has been greatly exaggerated. I am assuming your son is single without children, which in his situation makes every problem less complicated for everyone, especially as you repeatedly ask yourself whether you’re helping or enabling him.

especially when we disagree with their choices, is most important, and should never be considered enabling. He must never sense you are withholding your love, even while you are withholding money or struggling to enforce healthy boundaries.

Dave Says

Refinance in Baby Step 2? Q

MARK McCORMICK

This difficult balancing act is hard to imagine possible apart from God’s intervention. Your conversation with your son should remain open, and reflect the grace God has shown you. If the conversation remains ongoing you will have the opportunity to ask some really important questions, such as whether he might be depressed, whether God feels distant, if he’s feeling overwhelmed or anxious, and how you can pray for him. Based on his answers, together as a family you may help him seek counseling and Christian mentorship.

My husband and I are on Baby Step 2, and we’ve paid off about $30,000 in consumer debt since March. We were wondering if we should refinance our mortgage. Our current rate is 4.875%, with 28 years remaining on the loan. We found a 15-year refinance at 2.5%, which would raise our monthly payments about $200, but we can handle that. We have $150,000 in equity in our home and about $207,000 left on the loan. What do you think?

AYou two have done a great job! I’m so proud of what you’ve accomplished and that you’re looking to the future.

Which comes first?

Sometimes our adult children need our assistance to help set them on their feet again. God does that for me most days. It isn’t enabling to help him financially (if you are able) in his pursuit of growth. For example, you could offer to assist with job training, school, or work supplies. Helping becomes enabling when you teach him you are responsible for the consequences of his poor choices.

This is not the time to underestimate the importance of maintaining your relationship with your son. Maintaining a close relationship with our children,

Watching his friends and former classmates succeed may be the psychological push that eventually gets him off the couch. No one of any age enjoys feeling left behind. However, people with serious depression, grief, or anxiety often have difficulty discerning God’s encouragement to move, grow, and to enjoy life. Your relationship with your son and his relationship with God can help him focus on his future and discern God’s will for his life.

Mark McCormick is director of clinic operations for Illinois Baptist Children’s Home and Family Services. Send questions for Mark to IllinoisBaptist@IBSA.org.

Baby Step 2 wouldn’t be affected, except that your monthly mortgage payment will go up a little. I wouldn’t pay the refinance costs out of pocket, though. I’d roll them into the loan. You’d be saving more than 2% by locking in this crazy-low interest rate, and you’re knocking the whole thing down to a 15-year loan. It’s definitely worth the extra $200 a month. Think about it this way. You’re going to be saving more than $4,000 a year with the interest rate reduction. You’re not going to see it in cash flow because of the $200 increase in monthly payments, but over the scope of the loan, you’re going to be charged between $4,000 and $4,500 less per year for interest. All that money is going toward paying back the closing costs and reducing the principal built into the move from 28 years to 15 years. Yes, you should do this!

Q A

I just saved up my $1,000 beginner emergency fund, and I’m looking at paying off my car and credit card debt by the end of January. Before I started your plan, I took out a $7,500 student loan. I still have a year of school left, which will cost about $10,000. Should I save up for my final year before attacking my student loan debt, so I don’t have to take out another one, or go ahead and begin paying it off?

Well, it doesn’t make much sense to pay off the current student loan, then turn around and take out another one. Your first goal—after you get the credit cards and car paid off—should be saving cash to finish school. Once you’ve done that, start paying off the student loan.

Long story short, you’ve got to stop borrowing money. The idea of saving up to pay for things should be the default setting in your brain. Otherwise, you’re going to spend the rest of your life with car payments and other debt hanging around your neck. That’s not being responsible with your money, and it will keep you from saving for stuff that matters and becoming wealthy.

Stop. Borrowing. Money. I hope I haven’t been unclear.