Love in the City

“In New York (Toronto) you are always looking for a job, an apartment, or a boyfriend” - Carrie Bradshaw

Musings of some 20-something-year-olds and their quest to find love in a digital age

Muzmatch (more like mismatch)

Not expecting a large response, I put minimal effort into my Muzmatch profile. I wrote general one-liners about myself: a love for pineapple pizza, an inability to keep houseplants alive, and a desire to avoid going on 90 Day Fiancé if the app worked out. For whatever reason, I found the response overwhelming. Having been my first time ever using a dating app, I used very broad search filters, narrowing potentials only by age (within +5 to -1 age gap), drinking (no drinking), and sect (Sunni or Just Muslim). I spoke to a few matches for several days but quickly ascertained a lack of compatibility with all. One match, after I made the mistake of responding to his salaam, flooded me with bizarre messages about moving in with his mother and how he had always wanted “a social justice type.” It was time to move on to the next app.

Pros: A huge variety of men to pick from. One of the more popular apps, so there’s a wider pool of “potentials.” Cons: I had to experience one guy saying he liked me because I was “young” (19) and he could “mold me how [he] wanted.” Um, no thanks! Rating: 3/5 Result: Good app, friendly interface, but I had too many weird conversations for my liking.

Salams (formerly Minder) aka the app for Muslims who thought Ramy was a good show

Despite my high hopes for Salams, I was sorely disappointed by my initial experience on the app. Having learned my Muzmatch lesson, I was far pickier in my swipes and found that my matches reflected the change. In order to compensate for my lack of popularity on the app, I decided to bite the bullet and try the “premium” version of the app. For a measly $10, I was able to wildly narrow my search criteria, as well as search in other countries and on other continents. As someone who’s always been troubled by the idea that my soulmate might not live within a 90-mile radius, I found the newly unlocked features well worth the money.

Pros: For just $10 you get the “stealth mode,” so my profile remained anonymous except for those I swiped right on. This was a necessary precaution since a couple days earlier I received a text message from an old friend letting me know that “a friend of hers had seen me on the app.” Cons: All the conversations I had ranged between boring to unsettling (especially around social justice topics). Starting to see a common theme here? Rating: 4/5 Result: If you are serious about finding a match it’s a pretty good option. The VIP feature is great and really helps you narrow down the specifics of what you are looking for. The stigma associated with dating apps is fast disappearing, particularly as non-Muslims are meeting each other more frequently on apps like Tinder and Bumble than they are in person, but for those who remain self-conscious, the stealth mode feature is a great investment.

Your Local Matchmaking Aunty:

Somehow even more messy and depressing than the algorithm-based apps. Some people find true love this way––my parents others find desperation with a slight hint of misogyny––me. After all, as women, we need to be “flexible” and “compromise” ––that, or risk dying an old spinster. I came face to face with intergenerational beauty standards, emotional baggage, sexism, ageism, colorism…, all the —isms, actually. I feel slighted knowing my experience was more entertaining and devastating than anything on Indian Matchmaking. If I close my eyes, I am Blair Waldorf telling Dan Humphrey, “I would rather be with no one than be with you.”

Pros: Didn’t have to deal with the mortifying ordeal of being known via a public dating app. Cons: Met a lot of men with mommy issues. Rating: 2/5 Result: Anti-Aunty Aunty club

Tinder

Not the Muslim version, there are definitely no chaperones involved here. The algorithm can be a disaster sometimes, and there’s always that one awkward moment of seeing someone you know on the app. Confession time, these illicit affairs do sometimes make me feel like a woman in medieval France chasing a paramour down cobbled streets… except it's 2019 and I’m waiting in a one hour line up for mediocre brunch the next morning. Ah, to be young and in love in Toronto.

Pros: You get exactly what you’re looking for. Cons: There are some weird people on the app. The odds of being murdered and buried in a shallow grave are low, but still exist.. Rating: 4/5 hearts

Result: It will stay on my phone but hidden deep at the end of the application pages. What’s the Muslim version of Catholic guilt, anyway?

Aphrodite Project:

A project launched specifically for UofT students. It uses a Nobel prize-winning algorithm to match up people that it thinks would fit together. You fill out a long questionnaire and then get hit with the results. There are also two options, seek love or friendship! Shout out to all the tech bros who are convinced that love can be found through complex college maths; very on-brand of you all. Unfortunately, my match was already in a relationship, and contrary to the popular narrative as a Muslim woman, polyamory is definitely not my thing. Very anticlimactic. It’s a flawed but cute program. It’s a nice way to make a friend at the gargantuan UofT, you’ve got nothing to lose by doing it. Pros: 7 billion people in the world and you think your soulmate is at UofT. Cons:7 billion people in the world and you think your soulmate is at UofT. Rating: 3/5 Result: It’s probably for the best that Aphrodite isn’t alive to see her namesake. The last thing we need is a vengeful and scorned Greek goddess roaming the earth.

Hinge:

A cute little app that is “meant to be deleted”––not because you’ll find your soulmate, but because the men are so boring you’ll find no use for the app anymore. In the week that I’ve used this app, I’ve had maybe one meaningful conversation. I’ve certainly received some interesting messages from people on that app (one said he wanted me to be his “ethnic cultural lady” ???). Pros: There are a lot of filters to narrow down your search, such as religion or whether you want kids. The prompts are great ice-breakers. Cons: Men will make uncomfortable comments on specific photos you posted that they like (like it’s Instagram). Rating: 3.5/5 Result: It might feel like it’s not worth your time, but it’s still a much better alternative than Tinder so that’s got to count for something, right?

Instagram:

Sliding into the DMs is the new swiping right! Once a simple photo-sharing app, it’s recently added “shopping” and, more relevantly, “dating app” to its list of functions. Lately, more people have opted for messaging people they find attractive on Instagram, but has this ever really worked? To be fair, though, I’ve never gone on a date with someone I met on Instagram butI can’t say it’s never been done before. Pros: If they’ve got enough pictures up, you can get a pretty good idea of what they look like and what kind of person they are (tagged photos are great for this!). It’s also pretty easy to message somebody, unlike on dating apps where you have to match before you message someone. Replying to someone’s story can be an easy way to spark a conversation. Cons: Anyone can message you! You also get loads of random people asking to be your sugar daddy/sugar mommy (should this be a pro?). On dating apps you can somewhat control who can talk to you but on Instagram? Your DMs are free real estate, baby! Rating: 3/5 Result: If you want to be a sugar baby, just wait for the DM!