Sorrento Bowling Club Magazine Issue 42 August 2011

Club Newsletter Sorrento Bowling Club

“Aiming to be the best bowling club in WA”

Number 42 August 2011

Our “Green Team” Ron Kuziela, Richard Cox and Tony Pilgrim

If you need security doors or screens, speak to club member Barry Bradshaw or call Safeway Security Screens on 9314 1774

Index From the President

Secretary’s Report Men’s Captains Report Ladies Captains Report Men’s Match Committee Report Ladies Match Committee Report Men’s Pennants Ladies Pennants Ladies Delegate Report Greens & Grounds Report Junior Bowling Program Croquet Report Darts Report Croquet and Bowls Day Umpire’s Corner Some Notes from your Editor Why we need a Navman Confucius did not say ...

Dorothy Dix – Our new “Agony Aunt” Marketing and Functions Tribute to Ronald Thomas Neilson Ode to a Koolanite The Seven Deadly Sins of Lawn Bowls The Disappearing Badge Breeding Notes Part 3 Remember the old sayings The Effect of Tea Answers to Umpire’s Corner Quiz Answers to Guess Who Ode?

4 10 12 14 16 16 17 17 17 18 19 21 22 23 24 25 28 28 30 31 31 32 34 37 39 41 41 42 42

From the President

T

he vision of the Sorrento Bowling Club, enunciated in its Constitution, is “to be recognised as the best bowling club in Western Australia”. We were well on our way to achieving this vision through 2008 and the initial part of 2009 with membership soaring, great greens, major renovations happening, a healthy bank account, a wonderful spirit among the Club’s members and a sense of great excitement.

Unfortunately, the past two years have seen that momentum fall, mainly because of the poor state of our greens but also because of other factors. I look forward to working with the Executive Committee, sub-committees, volunteers and members to re invigorate our Club and to resume our journey to indeed become the best bowling club in Western Australia.

Firstly, as I outlined at our AGM, we all need to acknowledge the tremendous contributions that have been made by retiring members of the past Executive Committee. Ian Wittber has been a proud servant of the Club as Secretary over many years, contributing thousands of hours of work and effort. Ian has decided that there are other endeavours in life to pursue, such as travel. But in true Ian spirit has offered to assist the Club wherever he can, including running the Masters’ Singles.

Ron Taylor has for many years, while we lay comfortably in bed, been down at the Club on cold Monday mornings accounting for and banking the weeks takings; buying supplies and assisting in the Club in many other ways. Ron has also offered to continue his contributions to the Club where needed.

Clair Hanlon, Tiger Hogan and Kate Taylor have steered the ladies and men’s bowls and croquet through challenging and often troubled waters and their contributions are greatly appreciated.

Some members of the Executive elected to take on different roles in the Club. I refer of course to Ian Marshall and Peter Snow. Ian takes on the role of Deputy President and I am most pleased to see him in that position. Ian has been at the helm of the Club for six years and overseen its wonderful growth, plus managed through some challenging times. Peter Snow Our new now takes on the role of Chair of Bar after increasing the Club’s sponsorship in a quite spectacular fashion, in his President’s previous role as Deputy President. vision for the

future of the SBC

The Club owes a vote of thanks to these people together with others who have served on the various sub-

AIR CONDITIONING

Fax: (08) 9309 9933 U7/6 Buckingham Drive, Wangara WA 6065 Email: sales@theweatherwizard.com.au Web: www.theweatherwizard.com.au

committees such as match, selection, bar and house during the past two years.

A small committee of members prepared the Club’s strategic plan back in 2006/7.

The Plan called “2020 Vision – Planning for the Future of the Sorrento Bowling Club” was undertaken at a time of considerable difficulties for the Club. Membership had been falling; the Club faced cash flow problems; and the greens at that time were in a poor state of repair.

It is interesting to see how far the Club had come since then, and given the state of the greens over the past two years – how quickly it can regress.

The purpose of the Club and its vision enunciated in the 2020 vision has since been embodied into the Club’s Constitution. It is “to meet the needs of the community to play sport, principally lawn bowls, and in so doing provide a friendly environment and facilities that Club members and the community enjoy”. Our vision is to be recognised as the “best bowling club in Western Australia”.

As President over the next two years, it is my plan to work with the Executive and Club members to continue our advance towards that vision. The key performance indicators outlined in the 2020 Vision remain relevant today and will provide a focus for our future planning and strategies. They are: Financial viability We need to continue to ensure that the Club remains prosperous, runs along sound business principles and builds the reserves that are necessary to undertake future projects.

Membership and Marketing The declining membership that was occurring in 2006 was being addressed but has again continued to head in the wrong direction.

Club Environment The 2020 Vision reported that less that 10% of members contribute in a meaningful way to the operations of the Club, and there was a large silent majority who you rarely see outside of Pennant days. We need to reinforce that the Club is a collective of like minded people who have come together to share friendship and companionship, enjoy a few drinks and engage in sport.

As a community we all have responsibilities and obligations – whether that is taking your empty glasses back to the bar, helping wash up the dishes on a Friday night or the substantial volunteer work that is currently undertaken by members working the kitchen, gardens, committees, preparing the newsletter etc. Many hands make light work.

Beach stays are better with a free sunset dinner

Book online to receive your complimentary $100 sunset dinner voucher - min 2 nights stay Book online www.mullaloobeach.com.au or call 08 9404 1200 - 10 Oceanside Promenade, Mullaloo, Perth

Book online www.sorrentobeach.com.au or call 08 9246 8100 - 1 Padbury Circle, Sorrento, Perth

Bar Operations and Club Usage It is crucial to our financial prosperity that we generate a good income from the bar and increase usage of the hall.

Bowls Performance – as one of our major sports, we need to strive to be the best that we can be – appreciating that some members wish to be extremely competitive while other enjoy the social side of the game.

Greens and Grounds I am sure that we now all realise the importance that greens have on the Club’s well being and ongoing prosperity.

So, with the help of the Executive, volunteers and Club members, these key areas will be our focus for the next two years. We have formed a new group who have been tasked with redeveloping the 2020 Vision and identifying what “the best” means if we are to achieve our vision.

The role of the Executive Committee has changed to focus more on strategic issues (such as where should the Club be in 2020?); the development of strategies to get us there; and the formulation of good, workable policy. Maintaining a strong role in the stewardship of the Club remains a key responsibility.

Operational issues have been delegated to the bowls Captains and the bar, greens and grounds and house and social sub-committees. These committees are encouraged to innovate and try new ideas. Some of these ideas will work and some will not. But as a Club that needs to be progressive, we need to make the most of our opportunities and support those who are having a go. Constructive criticism is fine if expressed through the right channels but simply having a whinge is not helpful. Shortly we will be installing a suggestion box to allow members to put forward improvements that they feel need consideration.

We have some big ticket items to deal with, notably the City of Joondalup’s proposal to build a multi-function facility to serve a number of sports, including bowls and croquet. We need to be actively involved in the planning of this facility to ensure that it meets our ongoing needs, while at the same time not allowing the Club to stagnate while we wait for it to happen. At a recent meeting with representatives of City we were informed that the new facility is unlikely to happen before 2020 and that this proposal should not restrict our planning in the interim.

As a consequence, we are developing a number of proposals to put to the City of Joondalup for their consideration. These include: • Renovation of the men’s toilets to the western end of the clubhouse • A new outdoor BBQ area, including a new roof, new brick paving and a new BBQ • Research to determine whether pillars in the clubhouse can be removed to improve

Show your Sorrento Bowling Club membership card at Brumby’s Bakery in Darch and receive a 25% discount on in- house baked items

the functionality of the building • Erection of external toilets • Erection of sails between the clubhouse and B Green • Resurfacing the face brick in the sports area to modernise the appearance of the clubhouse • Additional lighting over the greens and revisiting the possibility of non-grass surfaces.

The greens and surrounds are a major priority for the Club and as a consequence, approval was given at the last Executive Committee meeting to remove the trees from the back of C and D greens to stop the negative impact that tree roots are having on the greens. Funding was also approved to place an extra row of limestone blocks on E green; pave the north bank of E green and the south side of the croquet shed; and pave in the small croquet shed.

We are hopeful that the recent arrangements entered into for a contract greenkeeper, ably supported by Tony Pilgrim and Ron Kuziela, together with the increased use of volunteers will see the greens restored to the standards achieved in 2008/9.

We also welcome the return of Glenn Boston to the voluntary role of Bar Manager and again would like to see more volunteers used behind the bar.

Thank you for putting your trust in me to work with the Executive Committee to provide stewardship of the Club for the next two years. I look forward to the challenges that are ahead and to reaching our ultimate goals.

In closing, I would respectively ask that all members do their bit to help the Club and not form part of the silent majority. Support those who are supporting you and acknowledge the effort that they are putting in – even when things don’t go the way you would like.

– Brian Lucas

Secretary’s Report

O

ne hundred and ten members attended our Annual General Meeting on Sunday 12th June 2011 The President’s and Secretary’s reports were included in our June Newsletter if you missed the meeting and want to read these. The Treasurers report was presented by Richard Fermoyle in the absence Barry Bradshaw.

One question was about the appointment of an Auditor was left for discussion and action by the incoming Executive committee.

The following members have been elected to the various committees: 10

EXECUTIVE President Deputy President Club Secretary Club Treasurer Asst. Treasurer Director Marketing Media & Membership House & Social Chairperson Director Darts MEN’S BOWLS COMMITTEES Captain Vice Captain Match Committee

Selectors

LADIES BOWLS COMMITTEES Captain Vice Captain Secretary Match Committee

Selectors

BowlsWA Delegate CROQUET COMMITTEES Captain Vice Captain Secretary Match Committee Handicap Committee Social Convenor WACA Delegate GREENS AND GROUNDS

BAR COMMITTEE

11

Brian Lucas Ian Marshall Richard Currie Barry Bradshaw Sharon Eggers Greg Day Joan Whitham Wayne Gray John Abercrombie Ken Giles Chris Tibbits (Chair), Richard Fermoyle, Pat Dichiera, Ken Giles, Barry Stewart, Trevor Orton and Wayne Olive.

Des Bennett (Chair).Ian Linford, Ron Burroughs, Lindsay Baker, and Keith Cooper.

Anne Lilley May Leyland Sharon Eggers Coral Smith (Chair).Nelly Heard, Betty Stern, Barbara Claffey and Helen Ironside Jan Cook (Chair), Beth McCormack, Lee Leach, Pauline Bourne, and Fran Bracknell.

Anne Lilley Judith Skeet Liz Wood Kerry Bomford Alan Wood and Pat Hobson.

Trish Klemp Joan Rowley and Judith Skeet Geoff Bloomfield Alan Rolls (Chair), Sharon Eggers, Ian Marshall, Tony Pilgrim, Roy Bracknell and Warren Elliott.

Glenn Boston, Kevin Coffey, Charlie Beggs, Lindsay Baker and Peter Snow.

OTHER Secretary – Men’s Bowls BowlsWA Delegate-Men Returning Officer Welfare Officer – Men Welfare officer – Ladies

Graeme Whitehorn John Abercrombie Tony Friedlieb Bruce Eagles Jean Baker

We will approach Dr. Mal Washer and the Mayor of Joondalup City Council Troy Pickard to serve another term as Patrons of our club.

Stan McCullagh asked if Honour Boards could be erected for Novice Singles both Men and Women, Veterans Singles (Men and Women) and Bowler of the Year.

A proposal to allow the wearing of Bowls Australia approved bowls wear in Club Championships and other sponsored events (other than Pennants) was approved. For example, in a club championship mixed fours, a team may wear matching shirts, coloured red.

Ian Wittber has established that two synthetic greens would cost between $500,000 and $700,000. The next step is a comprehensive application, after first contacting Department of Youth, Sport and Recreation as well as the City of Joondalup to ensure that they were on side with the application, and that funds would be available. This would then go to a meeting of our members to get approval to proceed.

The City of Joondalup has a $40 million plan to develop the Percy Doyle Reserve over the next ten years. This plan will accommodate forty plus interest groups from yoga classes to bowls, tennis, football and tee-ball clubs. We have also been advised that the tennis courts and the bowling greens would not be touched and any changes we make now will be included in the final development. An initial survey has been completed, and we advised that we would like to see a proposal for an indoor green included in any proposed building.

I look forward to the coming year and am very pleased with the number of volunteers who have come forward and readily accepted roles to help in making the club prosper and entertaining for its members.

– Richard Currie

Men’s Captains Report

T

hank you for allowing me to be your Men’s Club Captain for 2011/2013. Firstly I would like to thank “Tiger:” Hogan for his willingness and dedication shown in the role of Club Captain over previous years. Tiger has been a tireless worker for the club and I am sure he will still be one of the first to offer his services when called upon. – Thank you Tiger 12

As we enter a new season of bowls I would like to say how well all the Men’s committees are structured, Chris Tibbits and his team on Match, Alan Rolls and his team on Grounds and Greens, Des Bennett and his team of Selectors, Jim Ironside looking after the Umpires and Graeme Heard supervising Club coaching.

Not to forget Ken Giles my Vice – President and Secretary Graeme Whitehorn. All members of these committees have a wealth of experience, youth and enthusiasm.

I am sure by leaving them to their own devices will allow them the opportunity to succeed.

Anne Lilley and I invite all members to take part in our opening day, Sunday 18 September 2011. Both Anne and I are hoping for this day to be the best. Last year 120 people attended, this year we are hoping to get 150 . Get you names in early, participation sheet will appear on notice board soon with all the details.

We all have the same objective to make this club strong, respected and feared. I believe if we all get together and support one another this objective is very much achievable.

Finally as the season progresses there is bound to be the odd criticism. This is fine, I will listen to constructive criticism, and any destructive criticism will be totally ignored. I wish the Executive, the Ladies Bowls committees, Men’s Bowls committees, Croquet and Darts committees and of course the members all the best for the coming season ahead..

– ABBA 13

Ladies Captains Report

T

he Ladies’ programme for the 2011/12 season has been completed and submitted for printing . Match and Selection Committees have reviewed and updated all events documentation.

The bus hire subsidy request has been presented to Executive. Whilst agreeing to the merits of bus hire for long distance travel during peak hours the Committee has deferred a decision until we can provide more definitive detail on numbers/frequency of usage and costs. The issue is therefore on hold until we receive the Bowls WA pennant draw in early September.

Concern has been expressed at the ban imposed on the wearing of Light Feet shoes and the consequence this might have in relation to visiting pennant teams.

Clarification will be requested from Executive.

Opening Day this year will involve a catered lunch rather than the traditional breakfast. Further details and the lunch menu will be placed on the notice board. It’s hoped that this change will enable the “kitchen helper stalwarts” to relax, socialize and enjoy a glass or two of “bubbly”.

Planning for the Fashion Parade is well underway and tickets are available from Vice Captain May. Thank you to the ladies who have volunteered to provide a variety of soups. Many thanks to the Odells for their contribution in the design and printing of flyers and tickets for this event. We greatly appreciate your support.

The Committee unanimously agreed to trial holding our first quarterly meeting following the departure of our guests. This would mean starting about 2.30pm but we will remain flexible with this start time.

I understand that some concern has been expressed about this initiative but the decision was made in an attempt to increase meeting attendance numbers and also the difficulty in finding an alternative date bearing in mind that Committee members have outside commitments such as work, meetings, holidays and appointments to name a few.

The situation will be monitored and if it doesn’t work won’t be repeated. However, rather than “knocking” the initiative “give it a go” you might actually be pleasantly surprised!! Committee meeting dates are specified in our minutes which are posted on the Ladies notice board for information.

An open invitation is extended to any member with issues or concerns (such as the above) to bring these to our Management meetings for discussion and hopefully 14

resolution. If nothing else you will be given the facts and reasons for any change.

In conclusion Jean Baker volunteered to be our Welfare Officer. Many thanks Jean and welcome to the team.

– Anne Lilley

Men’s Match Committee Report

T

hanks to Barry and Paul Bradshaw for once again sponsoring our Dash for Cash competition. Result were as follows:

May results Winners A Glenn T Hinkley G Fleming B Axford Runners up M Martin B Collins T Hogan W Elliott AM Winners G White R Kuziela B Garrett J Coghlan PM Winners P Snow R Rogers G O’Brien C Campbell June results Winners I Linford R Rogers W Gray R Dunn PM Winners P Snow R Rogers G Runners up B Saul G Grieve J O’Brien C Campbell looking pleased!

Collishaw B Eagles AM Winners M Vitale J Coles L Nola A Riegger PM Winners K Giles N Claffey K Cooper K Coffey The Third event (30th July) was cancelled due to rain. The 4th Dash for Cash will be on 27th August 2011.

– Match Committee

Ladies Match Committee Report

T

he newly elected Ladies Match Committee has met to discuss the fixtures card for the 2011/2012 season and we are happy to report that it is well on the way to being finalised.

We are this year going to be playing the Championship 4’s and Singles Semi Finals and Grand Finals on the same Sunday as the men play their Championship 4’s and Singles finals. So look out for the dates in your new fixtures card when you receive them.

We will also be including some other important dates in the card i.e. ladies quarterly 16

meeting dates, Pennant practice dates, circuit training dates and our ever popular Fashion Parade. So there won’t be any excuses for you not to participate in what has been planned.

This season Sorrento will also be hosting the Wanneroo/Joondalup Perpetual Trophy.

The date is yet to be confirmed and will let you know in due course.

We are excited about this year going forward, and hope that all our ladies will be as enthusiastic as we are and make this a fantastic year. Happy bowling ladies – Coral Smith

Men’s Pennants

T

he Pennant season is drawing close and the Selectors hope you have your playing application handed in. It is important that you do this as by 23 August we have to advise Bowls WA how many teams we want to enter.

The Pennant season will start on Thursday 25th October 2011 and Saturday 5th November 2011. As you will notice the Saturday games will start 1 week later than Thursday due to the CHOGM Meeting to be held in WA. With these dates in mind, Pennant Practice will start on Thursday 6th October 2001 and Saturday 8th October 2011 continuing for three weeks until Pennant commencement. On behalf of the Selection Committee we look forward to a very successful year.

– Des Bennett

Ladies’ Pennants

T

he Ladies Selection Committee of 2011 has commenced arranging Pennant practice matches against other clubs in the northern suburbs. We have nominated with WABA teams to compete in divisions 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 .

Our main objective for this year is to establish teams who can make Sorrento a force again and gain as many promotions as possible. To do this we require teams who are compatible and competitive.

To assist team harmony an open door policy will be in place. Circuit training will be organised and it is recommended that all Pennant players attend these sessions – Jan Cook

Ladies’ Delegate Report • Bowls WA 2011/12 programme has been sent to Clubs • Field of play and conditions of play review has been completed and changes will be 17

included in fixture books • Pennant entitlement documentation has been sent to Clubs- an early return is requested to facilitate completion of pennant fixtures/draw • Manning was awarded “Large Club of the Year” for 2011 • Delegates queried the ban on wearing of Light Feet bowls shoes. Bowls WA to seek clarification from Bowls Australia on the matter • Bowls WA Greens Committee will begin greens inspections earlier this season.

Clubs will be advised of inspection dates.

• A working group has been formed to investigate the current Bowls WA Committee and Delegate structure • Some delegates expressed concern at the interruption to pennants caused by country week.

• Tuesday Pennants commence on 25th October with 18th game on 27th March and finals play offs 2nd-4th April 2012 • Ladies Saturday pennants commence 5th November with 14th game on 10th March and finals on 25th March • I have been re-elected as President, Northern Region Ladies Delegates – Anne Lilley

Greens & Grounds Report

W

ork on and around the greens has been progressing well over the last couple of months. Ray Dunn, Tiger Hogan, Barry Stewart, Kevin Cook, Warren Elliott and Ron Kuziela have been busy painting pegs and posts on all five greens. They have also painted the bins inside and out and placed new rink numbers on them.

Ray Dunn, Warren Elliott, Kevin Cook, Russell Lockwood, Tony Pilgrim and Ron Kuziela also been making new jack ditch markers to replace the old cone shaped ones. They look very smart and so the whole area has taken on a fresh, colourful look.

Thank you to all involved.

18

Our new, part-time greenkeeper, Richard Cox (with the help of Tony Pilgrim and Ron Kuziela), has been doing a great job on getting the greens in good shape. Winter is a very difficult time to try and get greens to a good playing standard however those members that have been playing winter bowls would agree that they are rolling very well.

Thanks also to Tiger Hogan, Barry Stewart and Ian Marshall, some of the greens have been drilled to allow air and water to penetrate the grass. Using the drilling machine is very slow and jarring work but they got the job done. Brian Saul has also been busy doing a spot of welding and maintenance work here and there around the club.

I don’t know if you have ever wondered how the 20 gutters around the greens are kept free of leaves and always look freshly raked. Well, it’s the work of one member, Bill Henley. Once a week he spends three hours of his time to keep them looking good.

Major work around the club will commence on 1 August, on the advice of our greenkeeper, with the removal of all the trees at the back of C and D greens. The roots have been encroaching under the greens and causing growing problems. Colourful shrubs will be planted at a later date to replace the trees.

Other work will include: • Replacing the paving in the small croquet shed near the corner of C green.

• Placing another row of limestone blocks on the existing blocks at the northern

end of E green.

• Laying brick paving in front of the limestone wall on E green out as far as the shade cloth posts.

– Alan Rolls

Junior Bowling Program

O

n 22nd June, twenty five Year 6 students from Hawker Park Primary School came to our club to complete the fifth session of a junior introduction to bowling program. This program was developed and delivered by Rene Farrell, the junior development officer with Bowls WA, whose duty it is to promote junior bowls in WA bowling clubs.

The program consists of 4 one hour weekly sessions at the primary school with a follow-up one hour session at our bowling club. Using special weighted rubber balls at the school in a cemented under-cover area, the children learned about terminology, delivery, bias and weight control.

The skills were practised using a variety of competitive team games which helped to 19

20

keep the children’s interest levels high while they acquired some of the proficiency necessary to play bowls. Chris Tibbits and Sharon Eggers attended the school sessions to help with the management and guidance of the students.

With glorious sunshine and a gentle breeze, the students arrived by bus, funded by Bowls WA, were randomly put into teams of four and then allocated to a rink for a game of scroungers, with the closest three bowls scoring points. To ensure that an initial round plus semi-final and final could all fit into the hour allocated for the visit, the children played 4 ends in the first round, a 2-end semifinal and a 2-end final.

Hawker Park Primary School Students at Sorrento

They would have all liked to have had more time to play more ends. They became very competitive in their desire to try to finish top of their section and thus progress into the subsequent rounds. The final was a close contest between two boys and a girl. A small trophy was presented to the winner and each student was given a small gift. The hour passed all too quickly for all involved.

Six of our club members helped with the scoring and ‘coaching’ of the students during their play – these were Kevin Cook, Ian Marshall, Sandy Hogg, Beth McCormack, Chris Tibbits and Sharon Eggers. Thank you to you all for your assistance – it certainly made the running of this event smooth and easy. Ken Pride, the CEO of Bowls WA, came to watch and was very impressed with the children’s prowess and enthusiasm.

A photographer from the Joondalup Times also attended to take some photos for the community newspaper. The whole venture was extremely successful and we are hoping to be able to repeat the process with a number of other primary schools around the district with a view to being able to run a small inter-school bowling competition in the near future.

Well done to Rene for her fantastic enthusiasm and organisation with the whole program. It made our participation very easy.

– Sharon Eggers

Croquet Report

O

ur Croquet Club, at a recent luncheon, presented the “Netherclift Trophy” for the most improved player to Peter Hamilton. The “Braybrook Trophy” , for the person who contributed most to club through the year, went to Judith Skeet.

21

In the WACA Championships Graeme Glover represented Sorrento in the “B” grade Golf Singles Championships and by all reports proved himself to be a worthy competitor. Well done Graeme.

Liz Wood with her twin brother recently celebrated their 70th Birthday with family and fellow Croquet players at the Greenwood Tavern. A good day was had by all.

The “Have A Go Day” when Croquet players played bowls and bowlers played croquet was a great success with many a tall story coming from the event. We believe Brian (also known as B4) Lucas managed to get a hoop from 50 metres away or was it 60 metres.

The story keeps changing.

Liz Wood from the Croquet Club showed her prowess with a bowling ball and it was overheard that the Bowling Club would like to poach her. All in all it was a good day, with members from both sides saying they would like to participate in both sports.

Some much needed maintenance has been done on our Hoops & Equipment Trolley. The Hoops have been sandblasted and powder coated with the Trolley’s being modified to protect the Hoops.

Thank you to Barry Bradshaw and Alan Wood for donating their materials and time. It is very much appreciated.

– Judith Skeet

Darts Report

W

ith dart season finals only five games away, even less for the West Coast Association, things are hotting up.

Our Premier Division BC1 side sits on top of the ladder with our second Premier Division side close behind in third spot. The Second Division side that has struggled for much of the year is still hanging in there, sitting just outside of the four.

Bowling Club Association sides are doing well with Third Division in fourth spot and Fourth Division in third position. Well done to all sides.

22

Croquet and Bowls Day Left: Glenn Boston sizzling the sausages Right: Kathy Hamilton and Keith Cooper both with the highest scores in the game of Scroungers

Greg Day shows how it’s done! In the background are Kerry Bomford and Colin Stainsbury

Bruce Eagles showing Graeme (also known as “Lawrence of Arabia”) Glover how it’s done. In the backgound are Liz Wood and Mary Gardner 23

Alan Wood in action (Bowlers to note incorrect hand placement and not copy this)

Margaret Cooper joining in the fun!

On the individual dart player front, Howard Jones heads the Premier Division averages with a progressive average of 77.5, closely followed by Paul Clark with a 76.8. Phil (spider) Webb heads the Second Division averages with a 57.7, slightly ahead of Brian Lucas with a 57.3. Bob Mulroy leads Fourth Division averages with 46.4, followed by Barry Bradshaw with 46.1. Des Bennett tops Fourth Division with 40.8, followed by Bruce Cross with a 40 average.

Highest pegs are led by Douglas Lorencs with a great finish of 152. Next is Brian Lucas with a 140 finish. Good luck for the finals.

– Wayne Gray

Umpire’s Corner

D

uring a game of bowls there are few laws broken more consistently than that of ‘possession of the rink’. Law 35.1 states that ‘Possession of the rink will belong to the player or team whose bowl is being played.

Law 35.2 states that ‘As soon as each bowl comes to rest, possession of the rink will transfer to the opposing player or team, after allowing time for marking a toucher’.

The following laws are also relevant to possession of the rink: Law 36.1.1 – Players at the mat end of the rink who are not delivering a bowl should stand at least 1 metre behind the mat.

Law 36.1.2 - Players at the head end of the rink and who are not controlling play should stand: • behind the jack if they are members of the team which is in possession of the rink; • behind the jack and away from the head if they are members of the team which is not in possession of the rink; • on the surrounds of the green if the jack is in the ditch; • well clear of the head if it is not possible to stand on the surrounds.

Law 36.1.3 – As soon as a bowl is delivered, a player who is controlling play from a position that is either level with or in front of the jack, should take their position as described in law 36.1.2 (above) Try your knowledge of the laws on the following questions: Answers are on page 42 Q.1 – Who or what is the Controlling Body?

Q.2 – A member of a team entered into a competition is not available for the first round as he has entered another competition scheduled to be played at the same time.

Can the team use a substitute for him in the first round?

Q.3 – In a fours game may any member of the team call the umpire to resolve a dispute relating to the laws or rules of the game?

24

Q.4 – If a jack, being delivered on a windy day, passes outside the boundary of the rink before being blown back and coming to rest on the boundary, is it a proper (valid) delivery?

Q.5 – A player attempts a short blocker. The opposing Skip believes the bowl is too short and calls for the umpire who measures the bowl at 14.1 metres from the mat. Is the bowl dead or alive?

– Jim Ironside

Some Notes from your Editor

I

n many clubs such as ours there is a perception that communications could be better. Whilst we now enjoy a wider range of communication tools through increasing use of emails and the club website it is hard to argue that there is no room for improvement.

With this in mind it would appear timely to take a fresh look at our Club Newsletter in terms of content, presentation and delivery. Questions such as what is the best balance between important bowling, croquet and darts information and human interest articles? Do we need a printed version? Should delivery be restricted to the Club website and email or should we continue with the current situation of an electronic version and a limited print run? Are there any areas of interest missing in the current version? This is by no means an exhaustive list merely some of the more obvious issues that need to be addressed.

So it’s over to you the members to indicate how you believe the newsletter could be improved so that it continues to be interesting and informative. To help facilitate this use the new Suggestion Box. So please take this opportunity and have your say.

Only a few complaints were received about our June 2011 Newsletter. Your Editor (and his dear wife – the official proof-reader) missed the fact that we had confused the two Janes. Apologies to Jane Watson and Jane Holland. We also got one of the captions wrong and showed John Collishaw and Brian Werndly as runner’s up in the Men’s Pairs. Apologies to the real runner’s up – Tony Pilgrim and Jem Shorland.

Apologies also to those of you who got a June newsletter that was spattered with black and or yellow ink. The colour laser printer in the Office had a temporary malfunction when two of the toner cartridges sprung a leak.

This newsletter has been printed on Wayne Gray’s office colour laser printer. Hope you like the extra colour I’m sure you will notice how much better the photographs and advertisements are as a result. The improved quality should help our club retain our sponsors and advertisers.

25

26

Wayne has advised that the cost of printing on his copier will be exactly 12 cents a page or $2.64 per newsletter compared to an estimated cost of at least $2.00 on the photocopier in the Secretary’s office. Our cost varies depending on the amount of coloured ink required. By printing on a fixed cost per page we can have as much colour as we wish without any increase in the cost of our newsletter.

The annual cost of our newsletter is covered by a portion of the money paid by our advertisers and sponsors. It is however still important for those members with an Internet connection to read the newsletter electronically so that we can further reduce the number of hard copies we print each time.

Did you know that Peter Davies will be appearing on ABC TV. He has been filmed swimming, golfing and playing lawn bowls as part of a documentary on the “Over Eighties”. He says filming took all day but will be edited down to ten minutes. He has promised to tell us when this documentary will be screened so that we can make sure we don’t miss it!

Did you hear that Phil Oldershaw won “the money” five times in succession until his winning streak was stopped by Colin Campbell?

Did you know that Socrates was poisoned, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death, Napoleon died in exile, Abraham Lincoln was shot, Gandhi was shot and Kevin Rudd was gillardteened?

Did you hear that John Warner is back home after three months in hospital? He had three different Pacemakers fitted before they got it right!

Did you know that July 2011 had 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens once every 823 years. This is called money bags. This year we’re going to experience four unusual dates viz 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that’s not all. Take the 27

last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add the age you will be this year, The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world.

Finally a word of thanks to Val Thornett, Barbara Hill, Emily Dunn, Niel Adams’ Bryan Townsend, Ian Wittber, Neville Cleary, Mike Berecry, Brian Murphy and John Taylor for the jokes and funny stories they send to your Editor. I would also like to thank Alan Wood for the photograph of our green keepers.

– Neville Odell

Why We Need a Navman

B

arbara Woods and her friend visited us at SBC several times at the end of summer this year. Barbara and her late husband David had been playing bowls at our club on their annual visits to their relatives in Duncraig. David was always the driver on these visits, so she was a bit apprehensive when she decided to drive to Scarborough to show her friend around.

Somehow she missed Scarborough but found Claremont and in an attempt to get back to Duncraig ended up going via Mounts Bay Road, Graham Farmer tunnel, Belmont, Great Eastern Highway, Roe Highway and Reid Highway. She had no UBD, phoned her grandaughter twice for directions before finally reaching home. Suffice to say Barbara is no longer afraid to drive around Perth. Her wee friend is taking a rain check on being a passenger next year!

– Annie Taylor

Confucius did not say ....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. .Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

28

OSBORNE PARK 76 HOWE STREET OSBORNE PARK WA 6018 Phone: 92421686 bowlsworld@bigpond.com

Fashion Parade Sorrento Bowling Club Percy Doyle Reserve Warwick Road Duncraig

Tuesday 13 September 2011 10.00 am Morning Tea Raffles 11.00 am Fashion Parade Featuring the latest fashion Courtesy of

SOUTH LAKE Unit 7/752 NORTH LAKE ROAD SOUTH LAKE WA 6164 Phone: 94149229 bowlsworld@bigpond.com

12 noon lunch of home-made soup and fresh crusty bread All for the cost of $10 per head Tickets available from May Leyland or behind the bar

29

Our new “Agony Aunt” section to help solve your problems

Dorothy Dix – Our new“Agony Aunt”

D

orothy Dix our new agony aunt will provide comforting advice and maternal wisdom to members who send in problems to our newsletter.

Dear Dorothy One of our best lead Bowlers, called Barry, keeps putting his first bowl down before rolling the jack. This causes a lot of confusion. What should I do?– A Confused Skip Dear Confused Skip It is a queer thing, but imaginary troubles are harder to bear than actual ones. We are never happy until we learn to laugh at ourselves.

Dorothy Dix

Dear Dorothy In a Ladies Pennant game last year I realised my opponent was a transvestite. Do the rules allow for someone called Bob to play with the ladies?

– A Concerned Bowler and ex Umpire Dear Concerned Bowler Confession is always weakness.

The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence. Nobody wants to kiss when they are hungry. Did he pee standing up?

Dorothy Dix

30

Dear Dorothy My Skipper keeps stating the bloody obvious. When I’m short he shouts out “You’re short” so that everyone on the green knows!

When I’m narrow and cut across the head he shouts out “You’re narrow” with or without the word “Again!!!” What should I do?

– Anon from Duncraig Dear Anon There isn’t a single human being who hasn’t plenty to cry over, and the trick is to make the laughs outweigh the tears. You may wish to change your Skipper or try the same approach when he is short or narrow Dorothy Dix

The mystery of the missing badge

I

t may have escaped the notice of some members that Coral Smith, our Lady Singles Champion this year was not presented with her gold badge at the “Presentation of Trophies” night. It was discovered that the badge was in fact made and kept in the club safe, but for some obscure reason it disappeared and was never replaced.

This oversight has now been remedied by a number of the ladies who banded together to sponsor the replacement badge. On Thursday 26th May we organized a luncheon at which time the new badge was presented to a delighted Coral. Well done Coral! We all think you have well and truly earned your badge.

– Beth McCormack

Marketing and Functions

T

he club is turning around thanks to the new executive and to the members who are now enjoying themselves once again at our club. It was very nice to see the volunteers who are putting their hands up for their club. You too can help in anyway; don’t be afraid to ask “Can I help? ”Remember from “little things big things grow”.

If the club doesn’t have your email addresses please pass it on to the Secretary.

Many functions are planned right through to New Year. Don’t go anywhere else on New Year I think Elvis is coming!!!

It has been decided to run a “Best Looking” Pet competition. Send or email your photo through to the editor for your chance to win a bottle of a wine!

You will see from the above that we have been fortunate enough to obtain the services of Dorothy Dix She’s available to help you with your personal problems and whinging so send your questions to Neville Odell at nevodell@bigpond.net.au and he will forward them to Dorothy. You will receive a reply. Thanks Dorothy!

If you have any ideas for functions in the coming months please let me know. You can get me anytime on 0408 919 985. We will keep you in touch with all the latest things happening by email and brochures as they come to hand. Thanks again for your support.

– Greg Day

Tribute to Ronald Thomas Neilson (Tassie) 1937– 2011

R

on was a member of the Sorrento bowling club about eight years ago. Brian Lucas remembers him as one of the original characters.

31

There were a number of things that were always important in Ron’s life – the Australian Army, Parramatta Football Club, lawn bowls and most importantly his ever loving and expanding family. Ron was married to Ann for 45 years and raised five lovely children, Paul, Allan, Wayne, Daryl and Dianne. Ron always tried to brainwash his grandchildren to love the only NRL team – Parramatta!

Ron died on 12 July 2011 and will be fondly remembered by all his family and old friends at the Sorrento Bowling Club

Ode to a Koolanite

T

his Ode to one of our members was written about 30 years ago. Do you know who it is? Answer on page 42.

It isn’t very sportsman-like As you will all agree?

To wish an English batsman A clout upon the knee But this is what he’s thinking You can see it all the while By the twitching of his ears And the look upon his dial I know a funny fellow Whom I chanced to meet Way upon Koolan Island Amidst the dust and heat

He calls himself a fitter A leading hand at that Some say he’s rather good But he’s not a fitter’s hat

He’s rather thin and lanky His hair is rather red And from his awkward motion You’d think his feet are lead

For his only tool is a hammer A fourteen pounder too And what he cannot fix with that He claims “will have to do”

He’s fond of playing Euchre Although he’s not so good He tries you must admit As every player should

And working on the shovel Is his favourite avenue Where he can wallow in Black Jack And curse till the air is blue

He’s also keen on cricket He follows every match And when the Poms are batting well He’s praying for a catch

But apart from all his bad points Poor sportsmanship and all He’s not too bad a fellow This man called “Bluey . . . . ”

32

SORRENTO BOWLING CLUB Would you like to play Bowls, one of the most popular and enjoyable sports in Australia? Then why not pop down to the Sorrento Bowling Club?

The Club has been operating since 1976, from a single green with a small clubhouse, to five greens, two croquet courts and a substantial clubhouse. It is now a wonderful place to come and play, whether it be social, mixed or pennant games.

Bowling is now considered to be a game for all ages, so no matter whether you are young or old, you will always be welcome.

The club is run by many volunteers who give their time freely to help with the running of all the facilities and is also available for various different functions like weddings, parties, conferences etc.

By joining the club you can also enjoy and use all the facilities, including bowls, darts and croquet, all of which are run throughout the week.

There are various categories and level of membership.

The Sorrento Bowling Club (Inc) was one of the first bowling clubs to adopt equal membership for both men and women.

When you join a bowling club, you gain access to 2,250 clubs across Australia. Details of membership and fees are available from the club by calling 9446 3662.

If you are a novice, Sorrento Bowling Club also offers coaching, which can be rebated against the cost of membership. Please contact the office to book your lessons now.

This is a community article courtesy of

For any enquiries please contact Ian on 9447 0696

Sorrento Bowling Club Percy Doyle Reserve, 40 Warwick Road, Duncraig Email: sorrentobowlingclub@amnet.net.au Web: www.sorrentobowlingclub.com.au 33

Sorrento Bowling Club.indd 1

17/05/2011 1:07:39 PM

The “Seven Deadly Sins”of lawn bowls and how to avoid them

F

orget sloth, gluttony, lust and wrath. Never mind the pitfalls of pride, envy and greed. In lawn bowls there are seven considerably more deadly sins than these more traditional vices.

Each and everyone is the scourge and the bane of the green. All these deadly and unacceptable sins can be easily avoided. It is not our aim to embarrass those of you guilty of committing one or more of these sins. Rather, we want to make you aware of some of the bad habits and characteristics that your fellow bowlers find most annoying.

That way, hopefully you’ll be able to phase them out of your sporting personality, thus making the game more enjoyable for those in your company, as well as, dare we say it, you too!

After all, there’s every chance you may not be aware that you’re doing anything wrong or are culpable of any of these sins until such -times as you recognise your behaviour in one of them. So, if by highlighting these naughty traits we can help make a game of bowls a more pleasurable experience, we’ll have done our job.

To compile our list of bowls’ seven most deadly sins, we conducted surveys of bowlers and the results make fascinating reading, with seven pet hates cropping up most frequently. So, without any further ado, allow us to present you with The Seven Deadly Sins of lawn bowls. How many of these are you guilty of?

1.Gamesmanship

-– Leave the cheating and mind games to other sports Everyone loves to win at bowls and that’s perfectly healthy and in the spirit of the game. What is not healthy and certainly not in the spirit of the game is trying to win at all costs.

Bowlers will get up to all sorts of high-jinks if (a) they think they can get away with it and (b) they reckon it will give them an advantage.

From distracting the person about to bowl by standing in his line of sight to even 34

throwing in an “accidental “cough at an inopportune time, it seems some folks will do anything to win a match.

Well frankly there is no need for that sort of carry-on. It’s a hollow victory that is earned through gamesmanship so if you can’t win fairly then at least lose with dignity.

2. Ignorance

– It does not take much to be a courteous and well-liked bowler

When you’re in the middle of a game, it can be easy to forget that some poor soul or souls have busted a gut to prepare and maintain a high-quality playing surface for you to bowl on.

So; next time you go resting your weary legs by taking a seat on the bank on the side of the rink, slide oft the edges around the ditch, or bounce rather than roll your bowl down the rink, spare a thought for the green-keeper.

Bowls prides itself on being a gentlemanly sport where players shake hands with one 3. Disrespect another regardless of the result and don’t let – A little appreciation of the competitiveness boil over into something players you’re playing with more sinister. There are though always a few exceptions to that rule which is why for the and against goes a long way good of the game, the disrespectful players who refuse to acknowledge their opponent’s ability, success and fortune – need to be rooted out.

The only thing worse than a sour loser is a pompous winner. So show a little humility and respect for the people you are playing with and against and everyone will enjoy the game far more.

4. Anger

– Struggling to keep your emotions in check on the green? Try harder!

Bowls can be a frustrating game. That’s common knowledge. However, that’s not to say there’s any excuse for erupting into a volcanic rage each and every time a shot doesn’t quite come off as you’d hoped. So, instead of stomping your feet in a blind fury and cursing to high heaven next time you make a meal of a delivery, give counting to ten a go. Better still, have a laugh about it.

35

It’s only a game, after all…

5. Selfishness

- There is no “I” in ‘team’ – and neither is there one in bowls, so, when required, be a gracious, sporting teammate.

Bowls is a unique sport in the sense that it can be played either individually or as part of a team. However, with that comes some problems, in so much as, when playing in a team, it seems that some players are far more concerned in pursuing personal glory than helping out their team-mates.

There are plenty of glory-hunters out there who would much sooner play the risky shot to make themselves look like the hero if it comes off, rather than the percentage shot that will best help out their team. And players like that are of no use to anyone.

6. Volume

– Oi! Noisy! Keep it down a bit! We’re in the middle of a big match here!

It sometimes seems as though every single game of bowls you play is destined to be interrupted by some Foghorn Leghorn who either can’t or won’t keep their voice down.

To avoid that being you, try and be aware of what’s going on around about you.

Be mindful of players contesting a match on adjoining rinks or even rinks in close proximity and, if you are sitting spectating on a match, try to keep the noise down out of courtesy and respect to the players playing, if nothing else. Oh and, particularly if you have negative opinions about the players on the green, try and keep those to yourself. There’s nothing as demoralizing as hearing a spectator criticize your choice of shot when you’re in the middle of a game.

7. Ageism

– In bowls, there’s really no such thing as too old or too young Part of the reason why bowls is so popular is because it is a sport that can be enjoyed by people both young and old alike.

Indeed, it is recognized as the only sport in the world where people can play with their parents, grandparents and, in some cases, even their great-grandparents.

36

However, there are still some instances of ageism, where bowlers are turfed off greens for being too young or old. Well, that’s out of order. Nobody – no matter their age – has the right to deny someone the right to play because of their age.

– Reproduced with kind permission of Editor of Nationwide Bowler

The Dissapearing Badge

A

lan Wood found the discussion at the AGM about the disappearing Ladies Singles winners badge quite amusing and immediately penned the following poem:

I had a call the other day From my bowling mate, old Madge ”I’ve just been to the AGM” she said “And they’ve stopped giving out the badge” “How could they stop the badge” I said “They always give one every year” “In fact I remember just the other day I saw someone had it hanging from their ear!”

“I would love to win the singles” said Madge “Each year I try my best” “Now I may never have the chance To let President B4 pin one on my chest!”

Madge told me that poor Coral Smith Has sold her bowls and shoes Her good friends have now all gathered round To help her quit the booze!

So somewhere there’s a lonely badge Just lying in a drawer It really wants to be somewhere else It really wants to be more This badge needs pinned upon a chest For all other players there to see It’s a badge for the singles winner To be worn with honour and whoopee!

37

– Alan Wood

Farmer Jacks 130 Coolibah Drive Greenwood Open 7 days a week 7am to 9pm

38

Breeding Notes – Part Three by Kitty Mist More scandalous periphrastic adoxography *.

ALAN ANDERSON This patronymic name is from the northern English personal name of Anders, which is Andrew spelt with a lisp. All Andersons are fiery tempered and argumentative due to their familial refusal to acknowledge the Scottish spelling of the name of Andrewson, which is, of course, the way his surname should be spelt. Very few Andrewsons remain hirsute past the age of twenty. In fact Alan is either nineteen years of age, or very hairy for his age.

TONY PILGRIM Is descended from Thorfinn Rollo, whose direct ancestor, a Viking named Stirgud the Stout, landed in the Orkneys and Northern Scotland about 870 AD. Thorfinn landed in Northern France in 911 AD and was to become the first Duke of Normandy. His great grandson was William the Conqueror. So there! Next time you chat to Tony, bow from the waist. You may well note he prefers VB to Stout, loves Chicko Rollos, Danny, Kermit, and all things green. His main aim in life is “To Be a Pilgrim”.

RAY STAPLEDON There is no meaning to be found for the name Stapledon on Ancestry.com. Perhaps it is just as well. He is descended from George Stapledon, a grasslands scientist. This could partly explain his fixation with lawn bowls. I am told he is well regarded in coaching circles, although Mick Malthouse has never heard of him. I understand his name first appeared soon after cunning running became popular. His great grandfather, Don, invented staples. He lost his monopoly when sticky tape was invented.

PETER CROWE The crowe sweeper is a pushed lawnmower type device useful for freeing tennis courts of leaves and sand. So we know he can be useful if pushed. The Crowe family originated in Knockaderren, Clare County, Ireland. Not to be confused with the Crows of Knockaderrendoo, the Vultures of Knockabout, or the Blood-suckers of Sitting Pretty, by Onyersavings, near Bludgers Retreat. Refuses to say if he works for a bank, and we know he doesn’t.

39

RON BURROUGHS Being Chairman of Selectors, was the most popular member in the Club until the first round of Pennants. His roots were in Suffolk, and his forebears bred like rabbits. Many of his antecedents adopted the simpler spelling of Burrows, but we won’t go down there. A very polite man, he cannot understand why so few people like him. I like him, even though I get selected in rinks which are not commensurate with my abilities, just like Ron! GEORGE SJEPCEVICH Google kept trying to get me to access Sjepcevich, but like you, I refused to go there. Perhaps I should have. There were mentions of George in SBC Newsletters, but my research brought up very little of his doings outside of our bowling club. There are many references to the beautiful wind vane he designed and fabricated to replace the beautiful wind vane he designed and fabricated which was destroyed by corellas, so I will not gild the lily or make mention of his beautiful wind vanes.

GLENN BOSTON His family started in Roxburghshire where they held a family seat. His forbears helped build Hadrian’s Wall to keep the English out. The family crest has a bloody great arm coming out the top holding a gigantic scimitar. It looks stupid, but he can tell you what it stands for. Many years ago he won the Cheam Marathon. The organizers commemorated his great performance by renaming the race the Boston Marathon. I think Cheam sounds more impressive. We are pleased you are back behind the bar.

RAY LINSDALE A previous SBC newsletter noted that Ray was born in the same year as Anne Frank, but all other Google searches took me to a treatise by an Amelina Dinsdale called, ‘The Psychology of Panic, Fear and Anxiety’. He has recently taken a position as a tour guide in the Kalamunda/ Mundaring region. WA Tourism heard of his amazing navigation skills from the Hills bowling fraternity who learned of his talents during an all day session at the Mundaring Bowls Club bar. Does Ray have a daughter named Amelina?

40

BRUCE EAGLES Parvenu # and Club prelate who stormed through to the Men’s Singles semi-final. Many believe he asks for divine guidance when delivering a bowl and obtains Papal dispensation to perform well in events on Holy days. His party trick is to walk on water, and he is blessed with a perfect bowls delivery. Good man to have at your dinner party, as he can make ‘68 Grange Hermitage from tap water if you run short of Hill of Grace. Has heavenly white bowls, and the Saints are with him. * Adoxography – skilled writing on an unimportant subject * Periphrastic – someone who uses indirect or circumlocutory language # Parvenu – an upstart

– Kitty Mist

“Remember the old sayings”

W

e have all heard the following old sayings. They are all said for a reason and need to be remembered:

• Don’t be narrow when holding shot (unless directed to do so by the Skipper).

• Don’t be short if the opponent has shot.

• A good Lead puts one on and one behind.

• Don’t be afraid to take grass.

• A bad back bowl is better than a bad short bowl (the bowl rarely comes forward) • Cover opponents back bowls. The jack moves back often.

• Try to play the bowl that the Skipper calls. He knows the situation at the head and his plans to ensure a winning score. We don’t need cowboys taking over.

– Extract from the Mt Lawley Bowling Club Newsletter

The Effect of Tea

A

woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: “What happened?” The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

The Doctor says: “I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.”

41

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me! How does the tea do that?”

The Doctor says: “The tea does bugger-all; it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!!”

Answers to Guess Who Ode? The Ode was writtten to Brian Saul when he was 42 years old. Somethings never change!

Answers to Umpire’s Corner Quiz Q.1 – The Controlling Body is the body with the immediate control over the Conditions of Play under which a game is played. Eg for Pennants it is Bowls WA and for Club events it is the Club’s match committee. (Definitions 1.1) Q.2 – No, a substitute is not permitted if an intended player is unavailable due to being involved in another competition scheduled to be played at the same time. (Domestic Regulation 4.4.2) Q.3 – No, The Skips should decide all disputed points in line with the Laws. If the Skips cannot reach agreement they should call the umpire. (Laws 37.1.2 and 37.1.5) Q.4 – Yes, provided it is at least 21 metres from the mat line when centred. (Law 23.1.2) Q.5 – The bowl is live. It is dead if it comes to rest less than 14 metres from the mat.

(Law 27.1.3)

42

44