iCandiLand May 2012

May 2012 iCandi’s Facebook Top Model Winner JOY PHILLIPS

Friendship, Brotherhood & SisterHood: Does it exist in 2012?

He/She’s Trying to CHANGE Me (article by DJ Chris Paul)

Music Reviews Who is Marissa Alexander?

Friendship is a Two-Way Street (by Melissa Howe)

contents

04

Dear iCandi

06 Who Were The Maroons 08

Music Reviews

12 Joy Phillips: iCandi’s Top Model Winner 17 Who is Marissa Alexander 20 He/She’s Trying to Change Me !

(article by DJ Chris Paul

22 Friendship is a Two-Way Street !

(by Melissa Howe)

iCandiLand Publisher MsiCandi iCandiPro@gmail.com Editor Jamaal A. Bivens Jamaal.Bivens@gmail.com Featured Blogger Carl A. Roberts http://goodmendocheat.blogspot.com/ Graphics & Photography Southern Stylez Graphics southernstylez904@yahoo.com Leamaj Studioz leamajstudioz@gmail.com Shannon D Photography ShannonDPhography.com Our Writers Millard Morgan Shiwanna Chapman Meghan Williams Michael Jayce Jamaal A. Bivens Deanna Brewster Melissa Howe Tawanda Brice

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAY BABIES!

Barry Bondz 5/1 Valarie Monique 5/1 DeWayne Mcneal 5/4 Nia C Louis 5/7 Mary-Ann Williams 5/13 Derrick Johnson 5/13 T-No5/13 Teokia Cephas 5/15

Jaydra Graves 5/15 Jarvis Walker 5/17 James Lewis 5/19 Bonita King-Long 5/21 LaTora Thurman 5/21 Kenyatta Gibson 5/29

and all of our other iCandi Supporters....

D

ear iCandi,

**in my Hi-Five singing voice* She’s Playing Hard To Get!! Why do women love to play this game?

It’s obvious that she’s feeling me but she has me runing around like a puppy dog, performing tricks like she’s not all that into me. What’s up? Why can’t a woman just be upfront and let me know that’s she’s down? P.S. I hear you ae the type that plays hard to get (from a reliable source) ;-) Antonio What’s up Tony (I can call you that right?)

Let me clear up the rumor: I don’t PLAY hard to get.

I am a rare, precious, and priceless jewel and I KNOW IT! Great things don’t come easy and I am great. I think women have lost respect for themselves and all a man has to do is buy you a drink or wink in her direction and she’s ready to bend it over. Well not me!! Now I’m not judging the women that don’t operate the same way as I, but don’t assume because some women are “easier” to get that we all operate by those same guidelines.

Now that I have gotten that out, have you ever thought that maybe she’s worth the hard work it takes to get her? You know what they say; “Good things don’t come easy." I find it funny that men are willing to put in hard work for their careers and their sports but not for their women. Is a woman not as valuable to you as those things? Think about it. This could be your potential wife, the mother of your children, your lifetime best friend, your ride or die chick, and she’s not worth putting in effort?

Hmmmm...makes me a little sad. Anyway, if you’re looking for an easy ride, those women do exist.

Maybe you are looking out of your league. Good Luck Tony :-)

MsiCandi

BUCKS WITH BUX

With us focusing on friendship, sisterhood, and brotherhood for the month of May what better way to do it with Memorial Day? Can't figure out what to do without spending a whole bunch of money?

Pay close attention. You can plan a group activity, such as a softball game. It gives everyone the opportunity to interact with one another.

Sit down with the family and write letters to the troops. This saves money and the whole group can talk about what they are writing to the troops. Do a picnic lunch, with all your friends' and your own favorites, sit back and enjoy the weather. :-) Last but not least, enjoy the free fireworks displa;y it won't cost you anything and it is a night of fun that you and your family/friends would have.

**GET YOUR “CANDI BANDS”** SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT!!!! DON'T FORGET TO ORDER YOUR CANDIBANDS TODAY!!! NOT TOMORROW BUT TODAY! Order your "Candi Band," take a pic, and let me add you to the iCandi V.I.P Wall of Fame!! Do you support iCandi?? http://www.icandipro.com/The-Candi-Store.html

Who Were The Maroons?

(Why was there brotherhood special)

This month I got a call from Ms. iCandi saying, “Insight, I need you to write something about Brotherhood." I told her that is right up my alley. Now, I’m a person who loves to learn from others, especially those great ancestors and elders of ours. I thought about who showed brotherhood like no one else, and no one did it like the Maroons. I'll share a little bit about these very brave brothas, and how we all can learn a few things from them.

During the 18th century, the powerful Maroons, escaped exslaves who settled in the mountains of Jamaica, carved out a significant area of influence. Through the use of slave labor, the production of sugar in this British colony flourished. But the courageous resistance of the Maroons threatened this prosperous industry. These efforts included plantation raids, the killing of white militiamen, and the freeing of slaves. The threat to the system was clear and present; hence, the planters were willing to sign a treaty with the Maroons in 1738. The treaty offers good insight to the relationship between the planters and the Maroons at the time, and deserves further attention.

On March 1, 1738, the articles of pacification with the Maroons of Trelawny Town signaled to Jamaica that a new era was emerging. The English planters had feared the rising power of the Maroons, and therefore

tried to subdue them. This proved to be unsuccessful, consequently causing the English to realize that making peace with the Maroons was the only possible solution. This treaty was the first of its kind and it demonstrated that a group of rebellious ex-slaves had forced a powerful class of planters to come to terms. This was an unlikely event during the eighteenth century, given the dominance of the planter class across the Caribbean. Yet the fact remains that the treaty did not solely serve the planters’ interest. For example, article three of the treaty states that the Maroons were given 1500 acres of crown land, a necessity for the Maroons to maintain their independent way of life. In addition, it made a boundary between the Maroons and the planters, which was to avoid future conflicts.

Another example of an unbiased stipulation is article eight of the treaty, which states: "that if any white man

shall do any manner of injury to Captain Cudjoe, his successors, or any of his or their people, shall apply to any commanding officer or magistrate in the neighborhood for justice." This showed some equity under the law between the Maroons and the planters. Furthermore, the fifth article of the treaty specifies "that Captain Cudjoe, and all the Captain’s adherents, and people now in subjection to him, shall all live together within the bounds of Trelawny Town, and that they have liberty to hunt where they shall think fit, except within three miles of any settlement, crawl, or pen; provided always, that in case the hunters of Captain Cudjoe and those of other settlements meet, then the hogs to be equally divided between both parties." In other words, the English planters were willing to divide the game equally amongst themselves and the Maroons, but more importantly, they were giving the latter the liberty to hunt freely.

Although the articles of pacification granted the Maroons of Jamaica many privileges, it also attempted to limit their attacks against the system of slavery in general. There were hints of favoritism towards the planters; for example, article thirteen required that the Maroons continue to help clear roads from Trelawny Town to Westmoreland, and, if possible, from St. James to St. Elizabeth. I could talk about these brothas for hours, but I hope this prompts you to go look up more info on these brothas who showed their true BROTHAHOOD.

Music Reviews by J. Antoinne Monica - New Life RCA Records, 2012 Monica is back with a brand new album, a brand new husband, and a brand new life. Aptly titled, this album sounds like something Monica should have released a few years ago; this is what her Makings of Me album should have been. This isn't her best album to date (that being her debut), but it's definitely much better than her last two or three offerings. Fans of those forgettable, upbeat songs of hers might want to avoid this album, because the focus is where it should be, and that's her voice. Songs like the single with Brandy, "It All Belongs to Me" and "Take A Chance", which features Wale, sound great, but it's the ballads that really let Monica shine vocally. "Time to Move On" lets her rip, and "Without You" is a great song, but "Cry" is by far the best song on this album vocally. There are a couple missteps, but overall, it's a decent album.

(4 Stars)(B+)

K'Jon - Moving On Shanachie Records, 2012 K'Jon has been on the underground circuit for years, but folks really started taking heed to him with his infectious single "On the Ocean" which, go figure, was originally recorded in 2005. Nevertheless, he's been fairly consistent in his albums in not overreaching his range. On this album, there's a balance of mainstream uptempos and nice, soulful laid-back grooves and melodies. The first half of the album is dedicated to the lovers of urban radio, with "Superman" leading off, and "Bad Gurl" and "On Everything Pt. 2" carrying that further. The latter half is soulful mastery at its best, even the midtempo songs.

"Wonderland" featuring a relatively unknown Mistee Merritt is an amazing duet, and "Moving On" and "The Reason" are worth the price of the album by themselves. This is probably one of the best albums of 2012, thus far.

(4.5 Stars)(A) SWV - I Missed Us Entertainment One Records, 2012 There were many folks biting their nails waiting for this album, a good fifteen years since the trio's last album. Fans near and far have been waiting for these women to put out some new music, and that they did with this effort. And, seemingly, it's just that, an effort. It's definitely not Grammy material, but it's not horrible. Fans are either going to like it because of its catchy hooks and colloquialisms (a la "Better Than I" or "All About You" and its old school flair) or they'll feel slighted because there's no real ballads, save for another remake of Patti LaBelle's "If Only You Knew," which isn't too bad. There are real gems in the songs "Keep You Home" and "Use Me", but they just may get lost in the shuffle of this album trying too hard to be current.

Sisters With Voices...and production.

(3.25 Stars)(C)

Ruben Studdard - Letters from Birmingham Shanachie Records, 2012 Ruben Studdard is best known as being the winner of the second season of the hit show American Idol, but none of his albums are ever really memorable. His singles have been hit or miss, mainly misses, with the lone exception being his remake of Luther Vandross's "Superstar". However, his voice has always remained constant, and he uses it remarkably, as usual, on this album. This album is going to remain largely unnoticed, and that's a shame, because this is probably his best album, wholly. Sure, you get the typical uptempos like "Do It Right" featuring Chrisette Michele, which is nice, and "Turn You Out" with the old school flair, but when Ruben sings, he sangs. "Her 4 U" is brilliant, "Today (Hallelujah!)" is awesomeness, and "What's the Reason" is magnificent, and the smooth cover of Bobby Brown's "Rock Witcha" is a pleasant surprise. Keep on singing, Ruben; keep on singing.

(4.25 Stars)(A)

Don't Miss This!

Throwback albums that you probably don't have (BUT SHOULD)

Phajja - Seize the Moment This overlooked CD had some awesome songs that people truly missed out on. Their remake of Christopher Cross's "Sailing" and the a capella "I Need You" are awesome.

Silk - Love Session The quintet's most overlooked album happens to be their finest.

Their remake of Rick James's "Ebony Eyes" and songs like "Don't Go" and "Nursery Rhymes" are worth their weight in gold.

? r e b m e m e R u

o Y o D What

THE MOST ABOUT THE 90s

Shiwanna SHI Chapman DANCING Masheeakh Settles Probably stage a boycott of the show until I received a contract negotiation which included 45% owner ship of all intellectual property of the show Davi Jae Wanting to be on EVERY game show Nickelodeon had: Double Dare, Wild and Crazy Kids, What Would You Do?, Nick Arcade, Legends of the Hidden Temple, G.U.T.S., Global G.U.T.S., Get The Picture, etc.

Chris Ward BLACK SITCOMS, MARTIN , FRESH PRINCE, MOESHA, FAMILY MATTERS ETC. Jinx Bill Clinton Brian Keith The music hands down...Baaaaad Booooy ran the 90s

@MsShan22 graduating, getting my own apt & car @Devanrmoni Music ,FREAKNIC , and Clubs @CrownJewelzHair The Southside of Chicago, where I grew up! @SINAFOLD my grandfathers were still alive @GRYNDHOUSZ NAUGHTY BY NATURE/ JODECI/INTRO/GUY/SWV/BIGGY/PAC/MARY J/FAITH/BBD @MAKAEL86 The cartoons @deejaymillz Freaknik ATL, for me it wasn't about freakin off, it was about partying & meeting our people from every region of the country

JOY PHILLIPS

MsiCandi: What aspect of modeling do you enjoy the most?

Joy: I enjoy all aspects of modeling. I have grown a passion for photography due to being an expressive yet nonverbal communicator. A picture really says a thousand words! It's great, it is a form of art; need I say more? (Laughs) MsiCandi: Watching you showcase your creativity during the Facebook top model competition was intriguing. Where did you get your inspiration?

Joy: My inspiration to compete and complete each challenge was inspired by observation and experience. Every day is truly a blessing and challenge in itself; life is a box of chocolates and you never know what you'll get. (Laughs) Literally these days!

MsiCandi: Out of all of the challenges for the Top Model Competition, which was your favorite to do and why?

Joy: All the challenges rocked and with this being my first global (because Facebook is global, right?

(Smiles)) competition, the Gothic challenge was fascinating; hands down definitely my favorite. Gothic opened up my eyes to something new and pushed me outside my comfort zone. It was amazing for sure and I received many positive responses. Performing in front of the camera/runway IS my stage and I think it's time to introduce the world something new: ME.

JOY PHILLIPS iCandi’s NEXT FACEBOOK TOP MODEL Winner of 2nd National Online Contest GET TO KNOW MORE ABOUT JOY PHILLIPS

iCandi’s Facebook Top Model II Winner Joy won “fan favorite” repeatedly”. She took the challenges and ran with them. Itʼs no surprise that she won the contest.

Representing her city Cincinnati (OH) she did her thing!!

MsiCandi: Let me start by saying congratulations for winning the second edition of iCandi's Facebook Top Model Competition

MsiCandi: What's next for Joy? Do you want to further modeling or do you want to eventually branch out to a different field?

Joy: What's next for Joy? More modeling and acting for certain I have faith this career choice will shoot through the roof for me in due time. I know it takes hard work and dedication, and I am determined. I continuously work daily to remain focused giving modeling/acting my all. I've fallen madly in love with modeling, and my current work demonstrates me reaching; I'm reaching for the stars. Sometimes you just have to live MÁS (more).

Joy: Thank you again! I've been working very hard and modeling is a certainly a MsiCandi: If an agent, photographer, etc. wanted to new avenue for me. I've always been photogenic, but receiving public feedback is get in touch with you for booking, where (how) could a new aspect. It can get crazy. they reach you?

MsiCandi: When did you first gain interest in modeling?

Joy: I first gained interest in modeling 2 1/2 years ago along with acting. There Joy: " came a turning point in my life and the idea of modeling sparked fire in my brain " and I gained a strong interest. My first photo shoot was mind blowing, so I " considered showing my support team. Listening to their positive words encouraged me to push harder and things took off. I enrolled myself into modeling and acting school, completed in December of 2010, and signed with a couple of agencies. Doing so allowed me to gain experience doing fashion shows for department stores (runway/fashion) and local radio station events.

E-mail : Jphill711@yahoo.com Facebook/joyphillips711@yahoo.com Comp-Card

In Our Angel Hands Thomas Chapman (The Legend) Carlos Jeff & Family Berdie Lewsis “Sista Mama” The Barnes Family Karen Daniels Toria & Family Kevin “Kdaddy” Hicks Joanne Williams Nevaeh Mccoy Phyllis Evans & Family Jose Aldanondo Robin Smith Ann Smith Lillian Smith Cheryl O’Coner Alicia Hearing & Family Matt & Michael Thompson Amber “Big Sexy” Johnson Tila Frost & Family Holly Carrigg & Family Jane Boyles Jennie Mathis Bonita King-Long Zahbria Thomson Junita Bonner Jasson Haynes Catherine Haynes Shimika Haynes Marissa Alexander iCandi Supporters & Their Families

iCandi Angels R.I.P. William & “Candy” King Kandace Pyles Brycee & Cameron Jeff JP James Romano Anna Brown Jerome Swanson James “Jellybean” House Patricia Kirkland Scott Burrows Sr. John Bruce Gilmore Jr. Julia Ann Hicks LeRoy Morgan Nadene McGowan Reshaud Jackson James Revels Jr. Betty Bailey Sally Rowland Jannie Tubbs Theodore Perry

followed the law. She got a gun permit, bought and registered a gun, shot a warning shot to tell her abuser to back off and she gets the max in jail, while Trayvon’s murder is out on bail, receiving all type of donations for his legal fees. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

Who is “our” Justice System REALLY made to protect?

If you haven’t been paying attention to the news, let me introduce you to Marissa Alexander. She was just sentenced twenty years in prison for shooting her registered gun in the air to scare her abusive husband off when her threatened her life. No one was killed or injured. I’ve actually done my

Who is our justice system really made to protect? Are women to now assume that when in an abusive relationship JUST DEAL WITH IT; don’t stand up for yourselves because they will turn it around and lock you up? We live in really messed up world. We can no longer be quiet. We can no longer ignore these issues. You could be next! I could be next! Our children could be next! It’s time to get involved and make some noise.

I guess it’s wrong for a woman to defend herself from an abusive man.

To find out more information about Marissa Alexander's case and how you can get involved go to the following places below.

Let’s move on this! It’s time to make a CHANGE!!

research and heard BOTH sides of the story. Her husband admits to being an abusive man. He’s stated that he’s physically abused 4 out of 5 of his children’s mothers. He also admitted to threatening Marissa’s life the day of the incident. When you “google” this case, the one thing you will catch is that she was able to get away from her husband and ran into the garage, but came back into the house with a gun. YES, she went back into the house, but the garage door was jammed and she had no other option. In the husband’s deposition he stated that he knew she had to come back in and he was waiting for her. But let’s not even discuss that. Let's talk bout why this woman was sentenced the maximum amount of time for NOT harming anyone. A mother, a battered wife! Twenty years!!!! Our justice system has truly failed us. We have a 17-year-old child murdered for “looking” suspicious to an overbearing neighbor, someone that went against the police’s orders and decided that he was to take the law into his own hands. Marissa however,

~MsiCandi~ Sign The Petition Make a Donation More Info on the Case

RECIPES OF THE MONTH dEviled Eggs W W W .

Ingredients 7 large eggs, hard boiled and peeled

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1/4 cup mayonnaise

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1 1/2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish

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1 teaspoon prepared mustard

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Salt and pepper, for taste

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Paprika, for garnishing

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Sweet gherkin pickles sliced, for garnishing

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Pimentos, for garnishing

A

•

N D I

Mash yolks with a fork and stir in mayonnaise, pickle

Fill egg whites evenly with yolk mixture. Garnish

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with paprika, pickles and pimentos. Store covered in refrigerator.

O

relish, and mustard. Add salt and pepper, to taste.

R

Halve 7 eggs lengthwise. Remove yolks and place in a small bowl.

P

Directions

DON’T FORGET TO GET YOUR GEAR READY FOR THE ICANDI 90s HOUSE PARTY MIXER!!!

MSICANDI & THE GO2GURL ARE READY!!!

MAY’S MOTIVATION!!

C O M

He/She’s trying to CHANGE ME Written by DJ Chris Paul CHANGE vs ADJUSTING are two

Furthermore, the person needing/wanting/

different things when talking about

requesting some adjustment or

relationships and love.

compromise will love you more intensely and appreciate you more for your efforts.

So my homeboy, whoʼs married, keeps on

Also, you will see that your “efforts” will

talking about how his wifey is trying to

somewhat seem “effortless” (in

change him by requesting/stating some

comparison to other relationships) when

very reasonable things. My homie says “I

you are really into your loved one and the

aint changing for nobody…much less her.

relationship.

Iʼm gonna do what Iʼm gonna do and he/ she is gonna deal with it. Thatʼs just the

Realize that your slightest adjustment

way I feel about it and thatʼs that!” I say,

GOES A LONG WAY FOR YOUR

“Bruh, she hasnʼt asked you to change

RELATIONSHIP AND MUCH FURTHER

your opinion or to do anything

THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

unreasonable." Whether you like it or not, every good relationship will require some amount of adjusting (because no two people are the same…soulmate or not… one might argue that your soulmate will adjust without you having to ask). Let's begin: UNDERSTAND THIS: When you truly love somebody, these types of statements will not come out of your mouth. You must be honest with yourself and figure out your true feelings for that person. Realize that adjusting, which

“Change vs Adjusting are two different things when talking about relationships and love”

else from Billy, but the one time that he made an adjustment for you went a long way and earned him some points.

Now, letʼs MAGNIFY it (and letʼs use a relationship example). He says to you. “ I feel like we never have a weekend to ourselves. You go out with your girls all the time and whenever you donʼt have to

most confuse with changing, will almost

work on a Friday, you are out with them.

be subconscious for you, with the man/

Iʼm a bit uneasy with the fact that we can't ever go dancing on a Friday night." If your

woman you fall in love with. Even when itʼs not subconscious, you will mentally take note of her wants/needs/desires and consciously make the effort to adjust to those things (because you want to) and validate her feelings. It is this indescribable feeling to give of yourself and to compromise without effort that makes being in love special and different from other less fruitful relationships that you didnʼt give a damn about.

Letʼs SIMPLIFY it (and not use a

answer is “Man, you know I go out with

relationship example) so that you can get

the girls on Friday. Quit trippin'," then you

the point. Imagine that youʼre at the office,

have the game messed up or either he

you have a full load, and you donʼt have

isnʼt the one for you. LISTEN CLOSELY.

time to get everything done. If you ask

That man hasnʼt asked you to give up

Billy to help you out with an errand or two

going out with the girls on Friday. He

and he makes an adjustment from his

hasnʼt asked you to change.

routine to staple your reports and to run your newsletter to the mailroom, you will experience a subtle sense of appreciation for him. You may never need anything

differently than before. That is a very He has merely expressed his discomfort

true statement. 8 out of 10 times, if that

with not being able to spend a Friday

person is the one for you, the

night with you. If you are serious about

adjustments will be effortless and damn

your relationship with him, building

near subconscious. Even if it does

solidarity, and loving him, then you will

require for you to make some effort,

make the necessary adjustment.

you will gladly make the effort for her/

Adjusting doesnʼt mean that you have to

him. Some of you know that kind of

stop going out on Fridays. It means that

Love. Some of you have never

maybe once a month, or maybe even

experienced it. Some of you just donʼt

every 2.5 months, hell maybe 3 times a

believe it. But, just ask the person next

year, you will clear your Friday for him.

to you, who didnʼt believe it until they

Yes, it may mean that you have to tell

found that guy/girl who made them

your crew that it's all about your man

rethink their philosophy.

tonight; sorry, canʼt go. If your friends are

THE COOL THING ABOUT THIS

adults, theyʼll understand completely,

WHOLE THING IS THAT IF YOU ARE

and send you on your way with their best

THE ONE MAKING THE

wishes (but thatʼs another convo). That

ADJUSTMENT, IRONICALLY YOU'RE

will let him know that his feelings are valid to you whether you agree with them or not. Really, it only takes one time for you to make that adjustment for him to enjoy that subtle sense of appreciation (that we talked about earlier). Not only that, his appreciation

DJ Chris Paul brings the “Grown & Sexy” to Cincinnati’s Night Life with Lure & Melange

will be coupled with adoration, admiration, and respect.

She says to you, “Baby, youʼre in DC like 4-5 times a year, I know your friends are from there and you grew up there but I would like to go with you sometimes.” If your answer is, “Look broad, thatʼs exclusive to me and my friends. Quit trippin',” then you, sir, have the game messed up, or maybe she isnʼt the one that will make you see things differently.

LISTEN CLOSELY. That woman isnʼt trying to change you. She is merely expressing her concern to see/know you in a deeper way and be a part of, or just see another side of, your life. It is a

THE ONE WHO WILL TRULY REAP THE BENEFITS/REWARDS. THE LITTLE THINGS YOU DO FOR A PERSON GOES A LONG WAY AND IT DEFINITELY COMES BACK AROUND IN A MAJOR WAY. Think about how you felt when the co-

fellas do. But, if you truly care for her, and her

worker made an adjustment for you. It

feelings are valid to you whether you agree with

promoted appreciation and some

them or not, you will find a way to take her to DC

respect. When you think about your

with you at least once and you will probably enjoy

loved one adjusting to comfort you, the feeling of her enjoying the feeling. When you get youʼll appreciate him/her in a whole there, take her to your favorite hamburger place. different way. Donʼt act like you donʼt Show her where the guys watch the sports games

know what I'm saying.

and enjoy a beer with her. None of your friends will be affected by the trip, but you will have made a

For info on Events by DJ Chris Paul

major step in letting her know that her desires are

hit him up on facebook or twitter

important to you. I damn near guarantee that you

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/

may never have to see her face in DC again

chrispaulcincinnati

because your actions/efforts will have gone so far

Twitter: @djchrispaul

with her, that she feels validated and loved because you stepped outside of your ridiculous box…FOR HER.

natural thing that inspires and cultivates closeness. Adjusting does not mean you

In neither case of “She says/He says” has anyone

have to take her to DC with you for the

been required or asked to change. However, in both

family trip once a year, nor does it mean

situations, an adjustment was necessary to promote

that you must include her in hangin' with

growth in the relationship. REAL TALK: They say

the fellas. Hell, thatʼs what you and the

that when we find the one for us, we do things

Friendship is a Two-Way Street

by Melissa Howe

I am a bad friend. At least, this is what I was told by someone I had considered a close friend.

Normally these words would have just about broken my heart, but in this instance I considered them a lesson learned...

I met Orlando (names have been changed to avoid drama from the guilty) seven years ago on an online gaming site.

We developed a friendship that spilled over into real life.

For a while things were great; there were long phone conversations about anything you could think of. I even flew to meet him and his wife.

Then came the day we had to put my grandmother into a nursing home. I had been her sole caretaker for five years. I was devastated. When I called Orlando he actually told me it was great that I could get a life now and launched into a story of his newest problem.

I started to pull away from Orlando. I told him repeatedly through phone calls, texts, and emails how his behavior was making me feel. I practically begged him to change. He would either apologize our go off in a rant explaining that his behavior was my fault.

Finally I had enough.

I stopped answering his calls and messages. I ignored him online. He would leave hateful voicemails, vicious texts, and sarcastic Facebook posts. I ignored it all until the day he called me a bad friend.

Friends Are Good to & For Each Other

Then things began to change. I would be interrupted so often I never got a whole story out during a conversation. All Orlando wanted to talk about was his life and what was wrong with it.

He was having marital problems, so I did what any good friend would do, I shut up and listened.

Time passed. I flew twice to help Orlando and his wife move to different states. One of these trips was crosscountry in a U-Haul.

When they finally decided to divorce I helped Orlando move back to his home state with his parents. I supported his decision to join the Armed Forces and wrote to him every day in boot camp.

When he made the decision to marry a woman he had only known for two weeks, I tried to talk him out of it but ultimately supported him when he gave me an ultimatum to deal with it or get out of his life.

I just knew that the friend I had first known would make a reappearance. He didn't. I still sent gifts for every birthday and holiday even though I never got one in return. I loaned him money for bills when he came up short. I listened to him talk about all his problems late into the night, sometimes so long that I would accidently fall asleep. I answered text messages all day. I tried my hardest to be what I thought was a good friend.

Grandma had just passed away and without the support of two close friends I'm not sure I could have handled it. In response to their kindness I posted on Facebook that one should not only tell their friends they are appreciated, they should show them. Orlando responded in a long nasty rant that basically said I should not give advice on friendship because I am a horrible friend. I couldn't believe what I was reading!

When I pointed out all of the times I had tried to talk about the problems in our friendship he gave me the excuse that he had mentally blocked out all of those parts of his life.

Blocked out all of the times I tried to fix things, all of the times I had begged for help. I returned the favor by blocking him out of my life.

For seven years I had allowed him to take everything he needed while giving nothing in return. It took me seven years to learn one of the most valuable lessons of friendship: friendship is a give and take road. You can't just give and you can't just take. You have to replenish each other.

Appreciate your friends. Give everything you can but don't be afraid to take what you need. Confucious said it best - "Have no friends not equal to yourself."

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