When The Lights Are Loud

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Copyright©2023HeatherN.Watkins

AllRightsReserved.

www.SlowWalkersSeeMore,com

Cover art description: 3 large red splotches with edges that bleeds slightly, there are white lights within the red splotches, and blue and smaller pink wavy frenetic lines, bold white lettering reads: When The Lights Are Loud: Anxiety Rides While Cruising Through The Change of Life, Heather Watkins

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WhenTheLightsAreLoud: AnxietyRidesWhileCruisin’ThroughTheChangeofLife
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Acknowledgement

I’dliketothankmyfamily,friends,colleaguesand co-conspiratorsinthedisabilityrightsandjusticecommunity. Youallcontinuetobeamuchvaluedresourceofloveand support.I’menrichedbymyexperiencesandopportunitiesand muchmoreenhancedperson,parent,advocatebecauseofthe greatlearningexchangethatisconstantlyshapingmy self-awarenessandsharpeningadvocacyskillsinwaysInever imagined. Thisisforallmypeepsagingwithadisability,hittingmiddle age,experiencingperi/menopauseandotherlifechangesandnot comingacrossnearlyenoughtalkandcreativesparkacrossthe medialandscapecoveringthisphaseandstageinmeaningful ways.

SpecialthankstoKesienaBoomforeditingandJen White-Johnsonforbookcoverart.

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TableofContents Agenda 5 Homebound 6 Breathwork 7 Queenshit 8 Metamorphosis 9 WhentheLightsareLoud 10 Composition 11 Duality 12 Watchmen 13 Paranoia 14 Authorbio 15 Tipjars 16 5

Agenda

Getup,liedown,read,scrolltheinternet,perusesocialmedia pages,poststorylinksandarticles,shareopinions,text,call folksmaybe.Talktoselfalot,takeinbiggulpsofair,stretch some,shakesomething,makesomethingtoeat.Lookinthe mirror,smile,ridethewildwaveoftheday,wave“heygirl,see youtrying,”hydrate,sashay,haveagoodgotdamnday.OK.

okay.

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Homebound

Wakeupingratitude,trytobecomplimentaryofmychangingbody andneedsevenwhenthestrugglefeelslikeit’sslappingdownthe kindwordsandabsorbingasmockery.Tuggingandstraining, draggingaroundlikeawhinytoddlersiblingintow.DaysIwantto screamandcussitoutbuthowmotivatingwouldthatbe.Extend compassionatecaretheysaybutwhenitupendsmyplansandpulls meoutofroutine,myinternaldialoguebecomescoarseandmean. Bitchin’andmoanin’,tellingitto“gohome”butitbarksback“Iam home;youareme.”Ithassquattersrights,demandsrespect, declaresoccupancy.

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Breathwork

Librawithlowbalance,disabilityimpactsmobilityand respiratorymuscles.Ibreathelifeduringthedayandneed assistancefromtherobo-breatheratnight.Fighttostaveofftoo muchcarbondioxidebuildup.Ventismycompanion,wecozy upinbed,notromanticbutsexyisanexhalewhenoxygenis beingfed.Thatmorningafterglowbelookinggood.Thatstretch befeelingjustright.Clearthoughtssweepawaybrainfog welcomeanewdayandappetite.

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Queenshit

Icallouttohimfromthebathroom,again.Thetoiletseems shorter,legshaven’tgottenanylonger,backistight.Bit frightenedatthethoughtthatthisisthewaythingsaregoing.

Ebbandflowofmobility,slippingintotheether.Helumbers downthehallway,huffingandbrooding.Youcandoitifyou…?

Dowhat?Waitformysuperpowerstodownload?Itried/not enoughRAM/dataoverload.Soit’sassistanceIneedor Isitinfinitelyandrulefromthisthrone.

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Metamorphosis

ItwasthenIrealizedtheassistancethatI'dsummoned hadtoworkthroughthemuckofdisbeliefIwasmiredin.Metaverse complexitiesandsuch.Arisingfromanxiety,thebackseatdriver againcreatedabarrierthatstymiedresponsetime.Slowbutstill coming.Paceacclimatingtogradualchanges.Nottypicallya "happenedovernight"sortagirl,moreoftenametedoutovertime kind.Theysay that'sthewayyoumakesages.

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WhentheLightsareLoud

Anxietyridesshotgunhoppingfromthebackseattofront, usurpingthefun.Ithadbeendormant,preoccupied,headphones onstaringoutthewindowgapingatpassingscenery.Sawan opening,leaptatthechancetoswitchseats.Nowthereminders ofthepastarelappinginyourear,circlingthedomeunderthe guiseofsafetyandrestraintscausingcascadesof second-guessing.Tortureateveryturn,toomanystopsigns,and greenlightsallgone.Suckedinsomeportal.Barriersabound, calmandbalanceanelusivedestinationhidinginplainsight waitingtobefound.

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Composition

Someofusneedtheenginesfiredsowecanfeelalive

Someofusneedthejetscooledtostaynestledinsmiles

Someofuswantabitofeachinequalmeasurestoexhale

Allofuswantfreedomtoenjoysimplepleasuresand eventofail.Roomtobreathe,grow,andprevail.Bethe navigatorschartingourhistoryandnarratorsspinning ourownfancifultales.

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Duality

Perimenopauseandpandemic,dualreality,doublecalamity, battleofsafetyandsanity.Threeyearsin,bothhit simultaneously,signalingmajorchangescoming.

Transformationandtransmutationofwaysofbeingandinner landscape.Formationoforaclesandgriots,especiallyforBlack disabledcyborgs,fabledandstoried.Frombackaches,brainfog, fatigue,overactivebladder,backandforthfrombedto bathroom,whispersthroughclenchedteethpursedlipscajoling ofmyBlackdisabledlifematters.Butminewastestingme, protestingmypolicyofnotlisteningtomyneedsandcarrying onlikecarescouldwaitanotherday.Fluctuationsinmood,mild intermittenthotflashes,waningappetite,wavingthewhiteflag surrendering,queuingupforachangeininsight.Ahousebeing rebuilt,ateardownishappening,the“inthemeantime”phaseis messy,plasterstrewnaboutandpaintsplattered.Pendulum swings,somedaysarewell-keptmansionsfully-furnishedand othersareweather-beatenemptyshacks.

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Paranoia

Outdoorsisasmorgasbordfortheboredandcurious,any momentcangoviralandatidalwaveofonlookersseeking “likes”andcontentatyourdisposal.Beontothenextinmere hours,forgottenaboutandthrownoutlikedeadflowers.The strangenessofconfidenceandself-consciousnessinonevessel. Wemaskasalayerofprotectivemeasure.

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Watchmen

Seeyoueyeingme spyingonmeand lyingontheinside takingupshortresidencyin myminddampening mypridemasqueradingas takingmeasuresof precaution,helicopter parenting,micro-managing movesIain'teven madeyet,plansIain't evensavedyet your“whatifs”like itchypestnips andPlanBonhand whenschedulesrun awrysteeringwheelstrays inotherlanesfrombackseat driving,seeyouand sometimesyouruntandem withafriend,critiquingwhat theotheronesaysaboutmy rhythmmethod,bruisemyego seeyou,intherearviewand sidemirrors,darkfedoracloak flappinginthewindwarning

“objectsarecloserthantheyappear”

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ImageDescription:light-complectedBlackwomanshownshouldersup wearinghairinbunatopherhead,bluebuttonearrings,makeupwithred lipstickandsmiling.Sheiswearingolive-coloredblazerandblueand whitepatternedblousewithlongnecklaceofvariousblue-colored pendants

HeatherWatkinsisaBoston-baseddisabilityrightsadvocate,writer,author, mother,speaker,consultant,peerresearcher,graduateofEmersonCollege withaB.S.inMassCommunications.BornwithMuscularDystrophy,loves reading,daydreaming,chocolate,andservesonahandfulofdisability-related boardsandprojectsincludingDisabilityPolicyConsortium,National ResearchCenterforParentswithDisabilitiesandOpenDoorArtsadvisory boards.HerpublishingexperienceincludesarticlesinMDA’sQuest magazine,MassRehabCommission’sConsumerVoicenewsletterandhas bloggedforsiteslike:OurAbility,ArtofLivingGuide,DisabledParenting, Grubstreet,RootedInRights,FemmeFrugality,TheCenturyFoundation, Women’sMediaCenter,andThankGodI.Heather’sshortstory,“ThankGod IhaveMuscularDystrophy”publishedin2013aspartofcompilationinthe ThankGodI…AmanEmpoweredWoman®bookseries.HerblogSlow WalkersSeeMoreincludesreflectionsandinsightfromherlifewith disability.

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