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www.SlowWalkersSeeMore,com
Cover art description: 3 large red splotches with edges that bleeds slightly, there are white lights within the red splotches, and blue and smaller pink wavy frenetic lines, bold white lettering reads: When The Lights Are Loud: Anxiety Rides While Cruising Through The Change of Life, Heather Watkins
Acknowledgement
I’dliketothankmyfamily,friends,colleaguesand co-conspiratorsinthedisabilityrightsandjusticecommunity. Youallcontinuetobeamuchvaluedresourceofloveand support.I’menrichedbymyexperiencesandopportunitiesand muchmoreenhancedperson,parent,advocatebecauseofthe greatlearningexchangethatisconstantlyshapingmy self-awarenessandsharpeningadvocacyskillsinwaysInever imagined. Thisisforallmypeepsagingwithadisability,hittingmiddle age,experiencingperi/menopauseandotherlifechangesandnot comingacrossnearlyenoughtalkandcreativesparkacrossthe medialandscapecoveringthisphaseandstageinmeaningful ways.
SpecialthankstoKesienaBoomforeditingandJen White-Johnsonforbookcoverart.
Agenda
Getup,liedown,read,scrolltheinternet,perusesocialmedia pages,poststorylinksandarticles,shareopinions,text,call folksmaybe.Talktoselfalot,takeinbiggulpsofair,stretch some,shakesomething,makesomethingtoeat.Lookinthe mirror,smile,ridethewildwaveoftheday,wave“heygirl,see youtrying,”hydrate,sashay,haveagoodgotdamnday.OK.
okay.
Homebound
Wakeupingratitude,trytobecomplimentaryofmychangingbody andneedsevenwhenthestrugglefeelslikeit’sslappingdownthe kindwordsandabsorbingasmockery.Tuggingandstraining, draggingaroundlikeawhinytoddlersiblingintow.DaysIwantto screamandcussitoutbuthowmotivatingwouldthatbe.Extend compassionatecaretheysaybutwhenitupendsmyplansandpulls meoutofroutine,myinternaldialoguebecomescoarseandmean. Bitchin’andmoanin’,tellingitto“gohome”butitbarksback“Iam home;youareme.”Ithassquattersrights,demandsrespect, declaresoccupancy.
Breathwork
Librawithlowbalance,disabilityimpactsmobilityand respiratorymuscles.Ibreathelifeduringthedayandneed assistancefromtherobo-breatheratnight.Fighttostaveofftoo muchcarbondioxidebuildup.Ventismycompanion,wecozy upinbed,notromanticbutsexyisanexhalewhenoxygenis beingfed.Thatmorningafterglowbelookinggood.Thatstretch befeelingjustright.Clearthoughtssweepawaybrainfog welcomeanewdayandappetite.
Queenshit
Icallouttohimfromthebathroom,again.Thetoiletseems shorter,legshaven’tgottenanylonger,backistight.Bit frightenedatthethoughtthatthisisthewaythingsaregoing.
Ebbandflowofmobility,slippingintotheether.Helumbers downthehallway,huffingandbrooding.Youcandoitifyou…?
Dowhat?Waitformysuperpowerstodownload?Itried/not enoughRAM/dataoverload.Soit’sassistanceIneedor Isitinfinitelyandrulefromthisthrone.
Metamorphosis
ItwasthenIrealizedtheassistancethatI'dsummoned hadtoworkthroughthemuckofdisbeliefIwasmiredin.Metaverse complexitiesandsuch.Arisingfromanxiety,thebackseatdriver againcreatedabarrierthatstymiedresponsetime.Slowbutstill coming.Paceacclimatingtogradualchanges.Nottypicallya "happenedovernight"sortagirl,moreoftenametedoutovertime kind.Theysay that'sthewayyoumakesages.
WhentheLightsareLoud
Anxietyridesshotgunhoppingfromthebackseattofront, usurpingthefun.Ithadbeendormant,preoccupied,headphones onstaringoutthewindowgapingatpassingscenery.Sawan opening,leaptatthechancetoswitchseats.Nowthereminders ofthepastarelappinginyourear,circlingthedomeunderthe guiseofsafetyandrestraintscausingcascadesof second-guessing.Tortureateveryturn,toomanystopsigns,and greenlightsallgone.Suckedinsomeportal.Barriersabound, calmandbalanceanelusivedestinationhidinginplainsight waitingtobefound.
Composition
Someofusneedtheenginesfiredsowecanfeelalive
Someofusneedthejetscooledtostaynestledinsmiles
Someofuswantabitofeachinequalmeasurestoexhale
Allofuswantfreedomtoenjoysimplepleasuresand eventofail.Roomtobreathe,grow,andprevail.Bethe navigatorschartingourhistoryandnarratorsspinning ourownfancifultales.
Duality
Perimenopauseandpandemic,dualreality,doublecalamity, battleofsafetyandsanity.Threeyearsin,bothhit simultaneously,signalingmajorchangescoming.
Transformationandtransmutationofwaysofbeingandinner landscape.Formationoforaclesandgriots,especiallyforBlack disabledcyborgs,fabledandstoried.Frombackaches,brainfog, fatigue,overactivebladder,backandforthfrombedto bathroom,whispersthroughclenchedteethpursedlipscajoling ofmyBlackdisabledlifematters.Butminewastestingme, protestingmypolicyofnotlisteningtomyneedsandcarrying onlikecarescouldwaitanotherday.Fluctuationsinmood,mild intermittenthotflashes,waningappetite,wavingthewhiteflag surrendering,queuingupforachangeininsight.Ahousebeing rebuilt,ateardownishappening,the“inthemeantime”phaseis messy,plasterstrewnaboutandpaintsplattered.Pendulum swings,somedaysarewell-keptmansionsfully-furnishedand othersareweather-beatenemptyshacks.
Paranoia
Outdoorsisasmorgasbordfortheboredandcurious,any momentcangoviralandatidalwaveofonlookersseeking “likes”andcontentatyourdisposal.Beontothenextinmere hours,forgottenaboutandthrownoutlikedeadflowers.The strangenessofconfidenceandself-consciousnessinonevessel. Wemaskasalayerofprotectivemeasure.
Watchmen
Seeyoueyeingme spyingonmeand lyingontheinside takingupshortresidencyin myminddampening mypridemasqueradingas takingmeasuresof precaution,helicopter parenting,micro-managing movesIain'teven madeyet,plansIain't evensavedyet your“whatifs”like itchypestnips andPlanBonhand whenschedulesrun awrysteeringwheelstrays inotherlanesfrombackseat driving,seeyouand sometimesyouruntandem withafriend,critiquingwhat theotheronesaysaboutmy rhythmmethod,bruisemyego seeyou,intherearviewand sidemirrors,darkfedoracloak flappinginthewindwarning
“objectsarecloserthantheyappear”
ImageDescription:light-complectedBlackwomanshownshouldersup wearinghairinbunatopherhead,bluebuttonearrings,makeupwithred lipstickandsmiling.Sheiswearingolive-coloredblazerandblueand whitepatternedblousewithlongnecklaceofvariousblue-colored pendants
HeatherWatkinsisaBoston-baseddisabilityrightsadvocate,writer,author, mother,speaker,consultant,peerresearcher,graduateofEmersonCollege withaB.S.inMassCommunications.BornwithMuscularDystrophy,loves reading,daydreaming,chocolate,andservesonahandfulofdisability-related boardsandprojectsincludingDisabilityPolicyConsortium,National ResearchCenterforParentswithDisabilitiesandOpenDoorArtsadvisory boards.HerpublishingexperienceincludesarticlesinMDA’sQuest magazine,MassRehabCommission’sConsumerVoicenewsletterandhas bloggedforsiteslike:OurAbility,ArtofLivingGuide,DisabledParenting, Grubstreet,RootedInRights,FemmeFrugality,TheCenturyFoundation, Women’sMediaCenter,andThankGodI.Heather’sshortstory,“ThankGod IhaveMuscularDystrophy”publishedin2013aspartofcompilationinthe ThankGodI…AmanEmpoweredWoman®bookseries.HerblogSlow WalkersSeeMoreincludesreflectionsandinsightfromherlifewith disability.
