Bayou Catholic | March 2015 Marriage Issue

Bayou

Catholic

Marriage HOUMA, LA ~ MARCH 2015 C•MILES Photography

Contents Sacrament

Growth

Marriage as a sacrament

Stages of growth in marriage

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68 Marriage

Advice

‘Even if plates fly’

If opposites attract, how can we get along?

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78

Partnership Whose job is it?

For more articles on strengthening your marriage, visit

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www.foryourmarriage.org

80 Virtues Try a little kindness

82 Coordinating suits for the groom and wedding party.

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Marriage

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‘Even if Guest Columnist

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Nancy Diedrich LPC, LMFT

During a pilgrimage to sites associated with St. Francis of Assisi, Pope Francis, in a lighthearted address to married couples, advised them not to ever

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2015

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e s t a l

go to bed angry, “even if plates fly.” The pope said at the Assisi Cathedral, “Argue as much as you like; even if plates fly that is fine, but never end the day without making peace.”

The pope’s words may have been said in a light hearted manner, but they offer sound wisdom that leads to strength, harmony and understanding in a relationship.

Making peace or exercising forgiveness generally is a decision to let go of feelings of anger and resentment, and move forward in a positive, loving direction in the relationship. If every couple followed the pope’s advice, they

fly’

would allow themselves to lessen the tight grip that keeps them angry, and would help them to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. Forgiveness can lead a couple to greater feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for one another. This could be the perfect remedy for a sound and peaceful night’s sleep … as well as, for many loving, accepting and tolerant tomorrows.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of a loved one. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment, unless you learn to forgive. By embracing

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forgiveness, you also welcome peace, acceptance and happiness.

Forgiveness does not mean that you minimize or justify the problem.

You can forgive a person without excusing their actions by trying to better understand their actions.

With this approach, forgiveness can bring about better reasoning, empathy and agreement of one another. Couples learn to “step into each other’s shoes”; they learn to consider what may be going on in their spouse’s life that may have caused such behavior; they learn to listen and to be more empathetic.

Empathy leads to greater awareness and patience.

Learning to forgive can offer many advantages to a relationship and can make way for greater happiness, health and peace, such as: n Stronger spiritual and emotional well-being n Healthier and more tolerant relationships n Less anxiety, stress and hostility

n Lower blood pressure n Less symptoms of depression or anxiety n Stronger immune health n Higher self-esteem and selfsatisfaction Even though the benefits may be impressive, the challenge for many is still “How do I get there?” Many people find reaching the state of forgiveness very difficult. Although forgiveness can be tough to reach, maybe the following considerations may help: n Reflect on the situation from your spouse’s point of view. n Ask yourself why he or she may have acted that way. Maybe you would have reacted the same way in a similar situation. n Reflect on times that you may have hurt your spouse and when he or she has forgiven you. n Strongly reflect on his or her remorse and sincere sorrow for the action or words that hurt you. n Usually “walking in someone else’s shoes” is a great means of empathy, tolerance and forgiveness.

When you learn to forgive, you will learn how emotionally strong you are. You will also discover that although many people look at forgiveness as giving in or being weak, the truth is that a weak person can never truly forgive.

Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong of heart!

Forgiveness offers peace and love, instead of conflict and pain, and allows the power of love to heal and transform a relationship. No one is perfect, and in our humanness, we have all been hurt and we have all hurt others. So because of this “humanness,” everyone should learn to exercise forgiveness, and follow the wise advice of Pope Francis, and “Argue as much as you like; even if plates fly that is fine, but never end the day without making peace.”

(Nancy Diedrich, LPC, LMFT, a national board certified counselor, is a marriage and family counselor for the diocesan Office of Family Ministries.)

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Marriage

Guest Columnist

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Dr. Susan Caldwell

Springtime is the perfect time to take a fresh new look at ways in which couples can cooperate with God in planning their families: Natural Family Planning (NFP). When many people hear “Natural Family Planning,” they usually recall the Calendar Rhythm Method that was promoted decades ago by the Catholic Church as a way to space the birth of children.

This method has been found to be ineffective and is therefore no longer recommended.

Modern methods of NFP, however, are scientific, effective and promote the health of spouses, not to mention the many beneficial effects on marriages.

Through the use of modern NFP methods, women can effectively monitor their health, understand their fertility and detect changes in their cycle that may indicate a disorder that could adversely affect their health or the health of a preborn baby.

The science of Naprotechnology is a new specialty in the field of women’s reproductive healthcare that allows doctors to accurately diagnose and treat many diseases that have been traditionally managed through the use of hormonal contraceptives.

Many women and couples are becoming aware of the medical risks of using hormonal contraceptives and are seeking more natural ways to understand their fertility and then to use that knowledge to help plan their families. Hormonal contraceptives have been shown in studies to significantly increase the incidence of several cancers in women, as well as increasing a woman’s risk for blood clots, stroke and high blood pressure.

Some women are opposed to these medications because

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2015

A new look at Natural Family Planning: Answering God’s call to ‘Be fruitful and multiply’

of their potential to cause early abortion due to their ability to prevent implantation of a newly conceived embryo. Traditionally, contraceptives have been promoted by doctors as the only treatment for common female reproductive disorders and are widely recommended to assist couples in family planning. Thanks to the work of dedicated, faithful Catholic scientists and doctors, this is no longer the only option for couples today.

By learning to observe and record the signs of fertility that a woman’s body reveals each month, a couple can know their fertile days with up to 99 percent certainty. Men are fertile every day, but women are only fertile for approximately 100 hours per month. This small window of fertility can be known by observing signs such as cervical mucus, basal body temperature, and hormones measured in the urine. Couples can then use this information to either achieve or postpone pregnancy each month with a clear conscience knowing that they are cooperating with God’s gift of fertility.

The most popular NFP methods are: Billings Ovulation Method, Creighton Model FertilityCare System (women observe mucus only), Sympto-thermal Method (mucus and temperature observations) and Marquette Method (an electronic monitor measures urinary hormones). It is recommended that couples learn their method from a qualified teacher to maximize confidence and accuracy of their observations, however, some couples successfully learn NFP by using online resources.

There are numerous advantages to using natural methods of fertility awareness. NFP enhances unity in marriage by inviting spouses to communicate their desires regarding new life with God and

with each other. For this reason, couples who prayerfully practice NFP rarely experience divorce.

Spouses develop a deeper reverence and respect for their partner. NFP encourages couples to develop new and deeper ways of communicating love which enhances their overall intimacy. In addition, NFP helps couples practice the virtues of patience, self-control, generosity which leads to the peace that comes from living out their religious and ethical beliefs.

If you are interested in learning more about natural methods of fertility awareness, please join us for an informational session at the Pastoral Center in Schriever.

Sessions will be held quarterly with the next session scheduled for April 17 at 6:30 p.m. For more information, contact the diocesan Office of Family Ministries at (985)850-3129.

You will learn about the science behind the various methods and hear from couples whose marriages have been blessed by NFP. There are several teaching couples in our area that can walk with you as you learn to observe the signs of your fertility. You will also hear more about Naprotechnology and how it can help diagnose and treat a variety of reproductive disorders such as: abnormal menstrual bleeding, infertility, polycystic ovarian syndrome, ovarian cysts, recurrent miscarriage and postpartum depression.

(Dr. Susan Caldwell practices Internal Medicine and Pediatrics at Ochsner Clinic in Kenner. She specializes in Naprotechnology, a relatively new specialty that seeks to restore the reproductive health of women in a way that respects the gift of fertility and protects the dignity of all human life. She lives in Schriever with her husband and their three children.

She can be contacted by email at susancaldwell19@yahoo.com.)

Marriage

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Marriage as a sacrament

C•MILES PHOTOGRAPHY

Marriage as a Sacrament Marriage as a sacrament is a serious and sacred commitment that calls a couple to each other in the most profound and permanent way. Their mutual love is a reminder of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. By the grace of their sacrament, they become able Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2015

to love one another as Christ has loved them. As a married couple, they become a visible sign and reminder of Christ’s sacrificial love for all people.

The Engaged Couple A couple desiring to be married is encouraged to contact their priest/ deacon at least six (6) months (or

more) prior to the proposed date of their wedding. This interval allows time to prepare well for such a sacred commitment.

The engaged couple must take an active part in all the steps of these guidelines which apply to them.

With the assistance of their priest/ deacon, they are to:

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t Identify and cultivate their strengths, t Deal with the areas of difficulty in their relationship, t Participate in assessment and preparation, t Recognize that marriage is essentially characterized by unity, fidelity, permanence and an openness to children, t Attend a formal marriage preparation program, t Participate in premarital evaluation and counseling when recommended.

A tentative wedding date may be set at the time of this initial contact with the priest/deacon. When the couple has completed phase two of the marriage preparation process, the tentative wedding date will be confirmed or changed.

Responsibilities 1. Priest/Deacon The church has the pastoral obligation to assist those desiring to marry to make a prayerful and mature judgment concerning their marriage. In particular, the priest/ deacon, who plans to witness a

marriage, is personally responsible for the complete marriage preparation process. He has the serious moral and ministerial responsibility to assist the engaged couple in understanding the meaning of Christian marriage in its human, spiritual, canonical and sacramental aspects, and to provide a liturgical experience that truly celebrates and manifests the momentous step that the couple is taking.

2. Community The faithful in each parish share in the pastoral responsibility to help engaged couples prepare for their life together. Married couples have a particular responsibility to witness the holiness of their sacramental life of intimacy, unity, self-sacrificing love and commitment. They may therefore be invited to participate actively in the marriage preparation of engaged couples in their parish.

3. Parents The church recognizes the unique and vital role of parents in the psychological, social, moral

and spiritual development of their children. Renewal in the church has included attempts to make sacramental preparation more family centered. Parents are therefore encouraged to respond to the invitation of the priest/ deacon to participate actively in the assessment and preparation of their children for marriage in the church whenever possible.

The Marriage Preparation Process All engaged couples are required to receive sacramental preparation and must meet with their priest/ deacon at least six months (or more) prior to the desired wedding date. This marriage preparation process consists of four phases.

1. Phase One: Initial contact with priest/deacon will: t Establish rapport with you in order to support and counsel you at this most important time in your life. t Examine your motives for marriage. t Explore any special circumstances that may

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Marriage

Marriage

as a sacrament

affect marriage, e.g., age, cultural background, pregnancy, military service, physical or emotional problems, levels of faith and religious issues. t Explain the marriage preparation process. t Obtain personal information, explain what other documentation is needed, and determine whether any dispensations or permissions will be necessary.

2. Phase Two: Assessment process with priest/deacon will: t Administer a Premarital Instrument* to assist in beginning the assessment of your readiness to marry. t Discuss the results of the FOCCUS instrument. t Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your communication process. t Examine the sacramental aspects of your human covenant. t Assess your readiness for marriage and complete 74 the prenuptial questionnaire. t Begin the liturgical wedding plans and present to you the parish guidelines. Inform you of the cost and suggested offering. *A premarital instrument is a tool designed to help you assess your readiness for marriage. It is not a pass/ fail indicator. Instead it is meant to help you discover more about yourselves and each other in a nonthreatening and objective way. Our diocese utilizes the FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding and Study) instrument to help you identify issues that need to be discussed, reflected on, understood, studied for problem-solving, skill-building and decision-making. Your priest/deacon will give you more information at your initial meeting.

During phase two, the priest/deacon will make the decision to proceed or delay the marriage. If he proceeds, the wedding date will be confirmed and the process continues. If his decision is to delay the marriage, he will follow the procedure found in Delay of Marriage.

3. Phase Three: Formal marriage preparation This instructional phase, formal marriage preparation, presents the essential human and Christian aspects of marriage so that the couple becomes aware of the total dimensions of the marriage covenant. Formal marriage preparation includes reflection on the nature and sacramentality of marriage, married love and family life, couple prayer, marital responsibilities, communication within marriage, personal expectations, natural family planning and other practical considerations.

There are two approved options in the Diocese of Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2015

C•MILES PHOTOGRAPHY

Houma-Thibodaux. If you are unable to attend such a formal marriage preparation program, you must discuss this with your priest/deacon immediately.

These are the approved options: t Diocesan Marriage Preparation program t Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat in the surrounding dioceses Schedule of the Day for Marriage Preparation in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux t Location: 2779 Hwy 311 - Schriever, LA 70395 Pastoral Center Conference Hall t Arrival Time: 8:45 a.m. (The day begins promptly at 9 a.m.) t Dismissal Time: 3:15 p.m. t Registration Fee: $100 (check or money order) If you are engaged and would like to begin your marriage preparation, you will need to meet with your parish priest or deacon at least six months before your desired wedding date. The priest/deacon will give you a marriage preparation booklet which will include all of this marriage prep information and a

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registration form to attend the diocese’s marriage prep, “Day for the Engaged.” Complete the registration form, detach it and mail the form with your registration fee at least three months before the date you would like to attend. Your fee can be paid with a check or money order made payable to the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux. Do not send cash! Come dressed comfortably.

Sunday, April 12 Saturday, June 6 Saturday, July 18 Saturday, Sept. 12 Saturday, Oct. 3 Sunday, Nov. 8 4. Phase Four: Completion of marriage prep process with priest/deacon will: t Discuss with you what you have learned and experienced at your formal marriage preparation program. t Discuss with you your understanding of sacrament in light of your formal marriage preparation. t Discuss with you your responsibilities as members of God’s people, as spouses and future parents. t Complete all documentary requirements. As appropriate, grant permission for mixed marriage and/ or apply for appropriate permissions or dispensations. t Discuss the reception of penance and holy Eucharist as a fitting preparation for the sacrament of matrimony. t Finalize the wedding liturgy and discuss the wedding rehearsal.

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Marriage

Resolving Differences

It’s not just a difference of opinion

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By KATHY BEIRNE It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

The Situation We have only been married a short time, and things are going pretty well between us, but something that concerns me is that we don’t really solve problems. One of us raises an issue, we talk about it a little, and then we let it drop.

For instance, I think he watches too much TV. When I complain he says “sorry” and then just goes back to watching sports every night. He thinks I spend too much money on unnecessary things, so I just don’t show him the things I buy any more.

What worries me is that eventually, when we have a real problem we can’t avoid, we won’t know how to deal with it. Are there any strategies for a couple like us to use?

A Response Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, but you are smart to want to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. There’s no reason to assume that solving conflicts would come naturally. It’s a skill you learn and then practice, so that you develop “muscle memory,” a response that will come more easily when you are in a conflictual situation.

The first step in bringing up

a problem is to start with an appreciation for the other person.

In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work. You really make me feel like our future is secure because you have such a good work ethic.” This is the person you love and chose to marry so surely there is something in the situation that you appreciate or admire. Then move on to your view of the current situation. “I know when you come in you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?” This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it.

I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so I can’t share with you when that’s what you’re watching. We could watch a game show together, or a mystery, or a movie at least some of the time. I like all those things.”

Once he understands what your concern is, then you can work to

find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch the game; the next, the two of you can watch a movie of your choosing.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much.

He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget.

She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. There are many different solutions. The right one is the one that feels fair and comfortable to the two of you.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended–those situations would be harder to deal with.

Big conflicts don’t come along frequently in most marriages.

Small ones happen all the time, so these new skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the best tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened, and ready for use.

Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME, and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.

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If opposites attract, how can we get along?

By PATRICIA CRANE ENNIS LMSW There are positive and negative aspects to every trait.

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.”

Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal.

There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

1.

Appreciation – Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?

2.

Meet each other half way – like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little

less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.

3.

Become a student – Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more wellrounded person.

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Marriage

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By PAUL R. GIBLIN, PH.D. Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility.

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic.

This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage.

Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way

Stages of Growth

to please and surprise each other.

Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise.

God feels very close and responsive.

This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings.

They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of

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differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt.

A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in

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a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust.

Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities.

They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate

and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship.

Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God. Additional Challenges and Stages Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves

not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents.

Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner.

Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit.

Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Studies at Loyola University in Chicago and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

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Marriage

kindness

Try a little

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By DAN MULHALL In marriage, kindness is demonstrated through generous acts, considerate behavior, and comforting words.

Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, and kindness in feeling creates love (Lau Tzu).

Michelle hates to make decisions. Her husband, Craig, enjoys it. Over the years of their marriage Craig has learned that Michelle doesn’t like having decision made for her either, so how he makes a decision is very important. He has learned to ask for her opinion and to offer his in return. He takes her feelings into consideration; he knows what she likes and dislikes, and respects that. Craig loves Michelle and one way he demonstrates his love by making decisions with kindness and consideration, and Michelle loves him all the more for that.

Kindness is a difficult attribute to define, but not to illustrate. Each of us, if asked, could tell personal stories about when we have been treated kindly and when we have been treated unkindly. We know it when we experience it, and we recognize when it isn’t there.

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A kind person acts in benevolent, gentle, and loving ways. In marriage, kindness is demonstrated through generous acts, considerate behavior, and comforting words. A kind person usually has a mild and pleasant disposition and acts with tenderness and concern for others.

A man who brings his wife flowers as a sign of his love and a woman who strokes her husband’s arm as they watch a movie are acting with kindness.

Kindness is one of the seven virtues, and is considered the opposite of envy. A kind person celebrates another’s good fortune while an envious person grows angry at another’s success.

For example, Marta and Luis both have high stress jobs, but Marta is far more successful at her job than Luis is in his. While this is, at times, a source of tension in their marriage, Marta and Luis recognize the tension and deal with it as adults. Marta tries not to brag about her success and never uses it as a weapon when they argue.

She cares about Luis and doesn’t want to hurt his self-esteem. For his part, Luis tries to celebrate Marta’s successes. He struggles at times with feeling that he is not carrying his share of the family responsibility, but because Marta treats him with such kindness, Luis is a happy man.

Kindness comes from the same root as the word “kin,” someone who is a part of your family. Thus, when you show kindness to your spouse, you are treating him or her as a part of your family, as “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). These words are used at weddings to describe the ideal relationship between husband and wife. This scripture passage makes clear that for marriages to succeed—that is, to be happy and healthy—then couples must treat each other with the same gentleness, courtesy, compassion, and respect that they want for themselves.

Kindness is a way of showing love to another. Everything that St. Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13 (Love is patient; not jealous, pompous, inflated, or rude; does not seek its own interests, is not quick-tempered, does not brood over injury or rejoice over wrongdoing) also defines how a

kind person acts.

Kindness is an essential virtue in a healthy and happy marriage. A recent study conducted in various cultures around the world asked people to name the trait they desired most in a mate. For both sexes, people overwhelmingly wanted their mates to be kind.

Marriages are strengthened when both members of a couple treat each other kindly: with love and understanding and with dignity and respect. Kindness is evident when a person puts the needs of his or her spouse first, acting on what will please or help the other most, and not on selfinterest. By never being rude or abusive to your spouse in any way, you build a relationship of mutual trust and respect. A marriage based upon compassionate and caring thoughts, words, and actions—a marriage based on kindness—will be a generous relationship, with both man and wife sharing freely all that they have with each other, with their children, and with the larger society. These are signs of healthy, happy, and strong marriages.

A Spanish proverb says that “He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” This is also true in marriage.

Little acts of kindness can mean a lot. Simple acts work wonders: cooking your spouse’s favorite meal when he or she has had a hard day or bringing home a little gift “just because.” Many couples divide up chore responsibilities because of personal preferences. Sometimes doing another person’s chore, like taking the car to get tires rotated, can be a wonderful act of kindness.

So can putting love notes in a briefcase or lunch bag, or allowing your spouse just to sit and watch a ballgame on TV when you’d rather do something else.

Disagreements happen in every relationship; the healthy married couple has learned to resolve these disagreements kindly. By offering a gentle word to an angry remark or by refusing to say harsh things when you feel them, you let kindness wrap you and your spouse in a loving blanket of respect that smothers the flame of anger before it can erupt into an inferno of emotions. In this way, kindness leads to happiness.

Wedding Receptions

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Marriage

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Whose job is it?

By LAURI PRZYBYSZ Couples can build a happier marriage by finding better ways to share the mundane tasks of their life together.

Most people have been raised to expect that certain jobs are done primarily by one sex or the other. Despite these stereotypes job assignments aren’t written in stone. Many couples shift their roles and responsibilities several times throughout the years of their marriage. Is it time for some job reclassification in your marriage?

The issue may be more serious than you think. One of the main causes of domestic problems is domestic – as in, housework. Who picks up the used newspapers?

Who takes out the trash? Who will

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2015

empty the dishwasher? Who walks the dog? Sound familiar? Neil Chethik polled 300 husbands across the age spectrum for his book, VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment (Simon and Schuster, 2006). “Housework showed up right after money as the top issue of discord,” he said. “It was higher on the list than sex, higher than raising the children, ahead of every other issue you can name.” In other words, couples can build a happier marriage by finding better ways to share the mundane tasks of their life together.

Sometimes a wife clings to more than her share of the housework out of a need to meet the expectations

– real or imagined – of her mother or friends. Even if her husband is willing, the quality of his help leaves something to be desired, in her mind. Or if a man prides himself in a spotless car, the way his dad always did, he may be loath to let his wife take on that task.

Blending our two worlds and creating a partnership of life and love sometimes comes down to changing how we wash the dishes, make the bed, or store the groceries. We can let go of our idea of perfection in order to accept the help of our spouse. Sharing tasks means more time at the end of the day for us to appreciate each other.

It is about making our relationship a priority.

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2 0 1 5 Together in the Work of the Lord