Our Strength

MUHAMMAD NAEEM | CONTRIBUTOR

DEAR ABBY: After my mother died several years ago, my father’s sometimes violent behavior flared up. A few years ago, I decided to stop spending time with him. My sister, who has received -- and may continue to receive -- significant financial support from Dad, is scolding me for it. I have asked her to respect my choice and to stop criticizing, but she continues to contact me, asks to see me, accuses me of “punishing” her and my father over “nothing,” and makes vague apologies for him without referencing specific behavior.

My dilemma is whether I should continue trying to get through to her. I’d like to see her children, but I’m unsure whether she will respect my boundaries if I see her in person. Her continued haranguing is stressful. I’m tired of being labeled a punishing, overly sensitive shrew for attempting to set boundaries with my father. However, I’m loath to cut off all contact with her, given that I’m not seeing my dad. Is there a middle ground? Or am I wasting my time by trying to get through to someone who doesn’t want to hear me?

- FAMILY TROUBLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FAMILY TROUBLE: Tell your sister you love her and would very much enjoy seeing her and her children with one proviso: You do not wish to discuss your fractured relationship with your father. Ask if she can respect your wishes, and make clear that if it would be too difficult for her, you will understand and not visit. You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and you should not allow yourself to be forced into contact with an abuser.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 80-year-old senior man who has met, texted daily and called an 80-year-old woman for the last six weeks. We both look and think young for our ages as well. We plan to have our first date on a Valentine’s Day theme. It’s awkward not knowing what to do when we have our first date. She says “friends first,” and I agree, but we are highly compatible based on our communications.

Because our first date will be on Valentine’s Day, she said she wants to see if there is chemistry. I’m conflicted about whether to give her a flower or flowers. Would it be appropriate to have a single long-stemmed rose in my car and, if she’s interested in a second date or we both feel chemistry, use “The Bachelor” TV show idea of asking her if she will accept the rose for a second date? I know it may sound cliche, but I’m reluctant to take the rose to the table. Yes, some of us seniors want to be romantic, but we are still concerned about what’s acceptable in today’s dating world.

- UNCLEAR IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCLEAR: I love your letter and I like your style. When you go to the table, have a small box of chocolates to present to your lady friend. The idea of keeping a long-stemmed rose concealed in your car is charming, as long as you keep the stem in water so it won’t wilt while you’re having dinner, which would be very unromantic. Please let me know how the date goes. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My son's bar mitzvah was two months ago. We had 125 guests. My son received a gift from everyone except my boss, "Hal." I have known Hal most of my life. He used to work with my grandfather, and he's like a family member.

Hal is extremely generous and would certainly have given my son a gift, so I know this is simply an oversight on his part. There's also a slight chance we lost his gift amidst the chaos of the event. Should I gently mention this to him or just let it go?

- PROUD PAPA IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR PAPA: If it were me -- and my child had received gifts from 124 guests at his bar mitzvah -- I would be inclined to let it go. However, if you feel you must pursue this, approach it by telling Hal you are embarrassed but some of your son's gift cards got mixed up "in the chaos." Add that he needs to write thank-you notes, so what should Hal be thanked for?

“Drop by drop, a river is made.” I remember these words from a wise old man who was teaching me about strength in numbers. “Brick by brick, a building is made,” that was a corollary, implying the same meanings. A drop by itself, as is evident, has no power. A brick is week on its own and can easily be crushed. But, a building can stand tall in front of a hurricane, and a river can unleash power to light up cities and run our entire infrastructure.

I recently travelled to Texas, to be part of the graduation ceremonies for my son, who is part of the United States Air Force. Never did this adage fit more than it did that day, when I realized the enormity of the combined strength of each and every individual airman marching in unison on the field. I could see all their feet moving together at the bottom of that sea of our soldiers, with a rhythm that filled our hearts with pride. But there was more to it than just the discipline displayed by all the men and women in uniform. There was the realization, that those warriors, along with other recruits in all other military branches, represented our awesome combined military power that the world has NEVER seen before.

My son joined the Air Force with his best friend.

To us, those two are just little punks, who think that they are all that, but in reality, they are just two young men with their quirks and insecurities, not sure of their place in this world, or even the direction their future should take as they grow into strong, productive men. But on that field, along with all the other punks, they showed discipline and determination that left me breathless. Each of those weak links, when working together, became the wall that would stand between us as a nation, and any adversary, foe, or enemy that would dare look at us the wrong way. All those sons and daughters, when they come together, become the mighty force that can turn the world upside down; that can move planets out of their orbit; and that can literally obliterate the sun if we chose to do so. We walked around the Air Force Base and watched young men and women train for whatever the future holds, to defend this nation against all known and unknown factors, and to become something above and beyond anything the world has ever imagined. All those military planes flying overhead, all the sounds heard over ground, and all that activity around us with the singular purpose of producing super men and super women, who will defend this nation with their lives. It all represented true patriotism. The real, genuine, and authentic patriotism; a dictionary definition of true devotion to one’s country and vigorous support for its values. There can never be such an ostentatious display of true and dedicated love for our nation as the one we experienced, and I mean that in the strongest possible way—experienced—that day. It was real, it was tangible, and we could feel it not only with our emotions, but with all of our senses. We could hear it, see it, breathe it in, even taste it, and we could literally feel it with each and every pore of our bodies. All the graduates marched together to showcase the machine that they had all become, following commands with precision and timing. The pride that flowed in their body language; the words that were spoken by the commanders, officers, and generals present during the ceremony; the salutes and tears that flowed from the veterans present in the crowd, from all branches of the military; and the heads held way high and chests extended way out by the parents, siblings, and relatives of those graduates, all created a magic of unbelievable intensity.

Our son has taken his place among the true elites. He is part of something big and important. He has committed his life to this nation, and we had no choice but to shed a few tears ourselves. Whether those were tears of joy that he has become a lot more than what his mother and I could have ever hoped for, or they were tears of appreciation for him and his fellow heroes, who stand ready to tear down any and all obstacles that stand between the greatness of our nation and the threats that may appear to try to rip our core, or even tears of pride that we felt as the parents of such a selfless, brave young man, who by virtue of him being a part of our mighty force, has also indoctrinated us into this special group of families who play a vital role in the safety, security, and the defense of our country.

This nation is a superpower only because it stands on the shoulders of these mighty pillars of strength. It is only strong and mighty, because it is defended by these giants, who can topple mountains if they get in the way. It is invincible because of these men and women in uniform, who looked invincible on their own, and even as individual beings, they were towers of strength, and not just bricks. These drops looked like mighty rivers of their own.

While his mother hugged him and kissed him, I couldn’t help but notice that my feet were moving to the same rhythm and beat as the ones being displayed by other recruits. The flag has never looked and felt as strong a symbol of our nation as it did on that day, when my son took the oath to defend it and to make sure that it would always fly high and fly proud. We wish him, his fellow airmen, and to all the soldiers that are becoming part of our military power, the best in the world, and we wish that our nation would learn from their shared commitment to this nation and join forces to stand behind them as one nation under God, and not the tattered, divided, and bitter populace that the politicians are turning us into.