Lampoon 2022

LAMPOON 2022 Happenings at Holy Ghost Prep (Alex Gill) ……….………..….….. 2 Actual Teacher/Student Quotes (Lampoon Staff) ..……………….4 Real Real Schoology Posts ………………………………………………….7 Coming Attractions ……………….……………………..…………………..8 HGP DLC ………………………….…………………………………………….10 Muscle Mike’s Workout Routine (Jason Brown) …………..…….12 Flame Article: Founders Zoo (Michael Pimble)…………………...14 Flame Editorial: How to Talk to Girls (Luke Vogt)..………….....15 Press A+B to Start (Logan S. Peterson)……………………………….16 3rd Annual Golden Ghost Awards (Lampoon Staff)..……………18 Scenes from the Buddhist Temple …………………………………….24

STAFF Julian Chattopadhyay, Christopher Conboy, Alex Gill, Stanley Gondek, Ronald Griepp, Sean Marshall, Joseph Pintimalli, Luke Vogt, Jason Brown, Brandon Fey, Noah McDermott, A.J. Olczak, Michael Pimble, Cole Smiley, Ivo Braganza, Dominic Gallo, Logan S. Peterson, Noah Schneider, Ralph Smolczynski Moderator: Mr. Jordan

Happenings at Holy Ghost Prep 1.10.22

Building Brotherhood Through Not Ignoring this Newsletter Monday, January 10 - F Day - Morning Meeting Schedule

8 a.m. — Morning Meeting - How to Balance Cheating and Balderdash 7 p.m. — Varsity basketball, Little Sisters of the Blind and Poor (Revenge Game)

Tuesday, January 11 - G Day - Cor Schedule 8:05 a.m. — School Offices Closed, Doors and Windows Locked 9:35 a.m. — COR Meetings, Topic: Snow Days vs. Snow Nights 2:40 p.m. — Building Brotherhood Overnight Experience Begins

Wednesday, January 12 - H Day - Daily Schedule 6:00 a.m. — Building Brotherhood Overnight Experience Concludes 7:30 a.m. — School Offices Reopen, Doors and Windows Unlocked 2:45 p.m. — Academic Council Meeting — Uptick in Student Cheating 6:30 p.m. — First Firebirds Class of 2036 — Baby Showers, Baptisms, and Parade 11:30 p.m. — Varsity Ice Hockey vs. St. Charles Borromeo, Abe’s Crib

Thursday, January 13 - A Day - Daily Schedule 3:00 p.m. — Kendo Club Meeting, Holt Batting Cages (Guest Senseis - Tom Knoll and Dr. Tomshaw) 9:30 p.m. — Spiritan Exorcism, Founders Basement: The Tickler and his Demons

Friday, January 14 - No Classes Teacher Grading Day (no classes) 3:30 p.m. — Varsity swimming, Goldfish Swim School 2

Saturday, January 15

8:30 a.m. — Model UN Crisis Competition (Crisis: Aramark Muffin Shortage) 9 a.m. — Varsity Bowling vs. School Lane Charter, Mrs. Fina’s Room Sunday, January 16

Attend Mass of your faith's services Spend quality time with family Hunt bears with a crossbow Start Monday’s Homework at 11:30 p.m.

Schedule Changes: Schedule changes for the second semester must be made by Thurs-

day, January 13th. For any schedule changes, find Mr. Hoelzle in his bunker. The passcode is 280473. (However the bunker’s location will not be revealed).

Spiritan Immersion Program (apparently this is a thing): Junior Experiences: Juniors will envision, plan, and construct the new HGP Aquatics

Center. This project MUST be completed by the start of the 2nd Semester. With Brotherhood, anything is possible. #ThinkGhost Freshman and Sophomore Experiences: The Freshman Class Retreat and Sophomore Day of Service on January 4th have been postponed indefinitely in order to create solidarity between underclassmen and upperclassmen.

Covid Protocols: We will maintain our layered approach to educate safely: • Proper Masking • Have students who are sick or showing symptoms of Covid stay home • Greater spacing during lunch and student gatherings • Follow CDC Protocols for contact tracing Think Ghost, Mr. Kevin P. Burke Principal Phone: 215.639.2102 x 207 Twitter Handle: @PrinciPALofHGP Currently Reading: 1984 - George Orwell

By Alex Gill 3

Actual Quotes… … said by teachers and students during the 2021-22 school year “My favorite part of Mass is the ending.”

- Mr. Whartenby, 6/22/21, kidding around with his summer World Religions class “Here’s a crazy thought: it doesn’t matter what you do to get into heaven.”

- Mr. Whartenby again, 6/15/21, about how to secure eternal life in heaven “That’s why we should be playing that Squidward Game.”

- Mr. Whartenby, 10/20/21, revealing his knowledge of popular culture “You know, JFK was a real player. He would always have girls in the Oval … oh, hello Mr. Burke!”

- Mr. Eckerle, explaining JFK’s extracurricular activities in the White House just as Mr. Burke walked into his classroom “I'm just trying to make sure you don’t get your s**t rocked in college.”

- Mrs. Hill, 9/20/21, with some advice for Santino DeRose, after one of Santino’s jokes during class failed to land Mr. Heston: Why did you put your hand up?

Liam Parsons: It was an accident.

Mr. Heston: You were an accident.

“Yes Dan, I am drawlin’.”

- Mr. Heston’s response to Dan Raksnis’ comment from the bench during a scrimmage that Mr. Heston was drawlin’ for not running a good play “I don’t know what symbol that is … oh, that’s an integral.”

- Mike Georges, 11/10/21, with an unfortunate lapse in memory about a calculus concept in Mrs. Carmine’s AP Calculus BC (and which resulted in a very angry Mrs.Carmine) “I’m ready for lunch. I’m feeling like a hungey bungey.”

- Mr. Crouse, minutes before the start of the 7/8 lunch period Profe: “Why are you calling me from the dumpster?”

Dan Price: “I accidentally threw out my retainers.”

- Taken from the transcript of Danny Price’s phone call to Profe, explaining why he was late for class 4

“Okay, let’s go over Lady Parts!”

- Mr. Hallahan, 3/1/22, calling for the sopranos and altos in Singin’ in the Rain to get ready to start singing “Nathan is a bunch of materials. He is a bag of chemicals worth a dollar fortynine.”

- Mr. Fitz, 2/8/22, using Nathan Thomas as a hypothetical example of the monetary value the Church places on someone’s personality “Please stop prank calling the IRS!” - Mr. Bushek, 1/24/22, with a plea to his freshman Robotics class “Me and George are very close…”

- Mr. Eckerle, 2/16/22, about his cat’s habit of watching Mr. Eckerle take a shower “I don’t want to stalk you. I just want to go to your grad class.”

- Matt Gleason, 12/2/21, reassuring Mr. Profy about his good intentions for attending one of Mr. Profy’s night classes for his graduate program “You men like this (drawing the shape of a circle on the white board), us women like this (drawing the shape of a square).”

- Mrs. Bruno, on the hereditary traits of sexual attraction in men and women “These are guaranteed success.”

- Mr. Petcaugh after showing computer programming pick-up lines in AP CSA "It’s just magic sex."

- Dr. Scanlon, on Egyptian sex rituals in his World History class “Can you guys stop doing your Fortnite dances and copy down these notes?”

- Mr. Hoban, 2/1/22, Sex and Dating “Alright, no more talk about groundhogs.’”

- Mr. Jordan, 1/26/22, trying to redirect a class discussion in AP Lit “You know who invented time travel? John F. Kennedy!”

- Matt Gleason’s comment to Jeeth Vijay, 10/5/21, during an AP Lit discussion (that had nothing to do with either John F. Kennedy or time travel)

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“Yeah, I stay strapped.”

- Matt Gleason, 10/20/21, asserting his Second Amendment right to carry his AP Literature textbook openly around campus “And Jimmy Gallen – the infamous Jimmy Gallen – is having eggs thrown at him!”

- David Szczepanski, the Voice of the Firebirds, on the crowd’s response to Jimmy during the Spiritan Cup Egg Walk event “You guys are overcomplicating this so much. Why would you hide in the graveyard? JUST GO TO MASS!” - Ronnie Griepp, 12/8/21, to some fellow seniors who were planning to skip the Mass of the Immaculate Conception “Send me any toilet pictures you have.”

- Mr. Jordan, 2/9/22, with instructions for his Lampoon staff “These are guaranteed success.”

- Mr. Petcaugh, after his class showed him computer programming pick-up lines in AP Computer Science.

“Don’t apologize. Just be better.”

- Mr. Profy with some advice to his AP Calc class after they all failed a pop quiz “Betty White would have turned 100 just five days ago. Oh well … (five seconds later) … I shouldn’t have said that.”

- 3/10/22, Mr. Profy’s callous remark about the death of Betty White “Don’t add or subtract to the population.”

- Mr. Profy’s advice to his seniors before their Senior Prom “Mr. Jordan is my boy.”

- Mr. Profy, 3/26/22, expressing confidence that Mr. Jordan would rid the Lampoon of any Mr. Profy-related content that may appear in it “How did you know that was my favorite game? I got it on my phone and it was so addicting I had to delete it. I played it for hours.”

- Dr. Pitts, 5/10/22, after being asked for his picture for the Lampoon Thank you to our teachers and classmates for another memorable year of actual quotes! We appreciate all of your thoughtful (and not so thoughtful) remarks!

The Lampoon Staff 6

Real Real Schoology Posts

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Coming

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Soon!

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HGP DLC The Cost of Doing Business at School

Transgression

Cost

Crossing Bristol Pike at the driveway into Cornwells on your way to Lou’s

$150.00

Coming into school without a belt

Four Wawa lemon iced teas (payable to Eck)

Wearing shorts on a dress down day

-5 Spiritan Points

Wearing a quarter zip instead of a blazer

-15 Spiritan Points

Playing Mug Blooded American on your -250 Spiritan Points Airpods during Mass Playing Fr. Dan’s Gregorian Chants on your Airpods during Mass

+250 Spiritan Points

Losing at Manhunt to Mr. Heston before Mass

your soul

Not masking at Mass

Angry stares from masked teachers

Making a run to the Chick-Fil-A on Street Road for lunch

Chick-Fil-A for the faculty and staff

Entering the weight room before Mr. Seminack

Completion of a Faith & Science final exam

All Access Pass to the Chem Closest

The open position in the Science Department

Mountain of Spiritan Points - 14000 Points

$99.99 (Des Places Discount: 25% off because Mr. Hoelzele said so) 10

Transgression

Cost

Access to Spiritan tunnels between Cornwells and Founders

The correct answer to one of Mr. Whartenby’s riddles

Forging a copy of Doc O’Connor’s key to the Founders elevator

Burger King big cups for Doc for the rest of the year

Backpack pass for fire drills

Take Pi to the 50th decimal for Mrs. Carmine

Skip a War Day Battle

-1000000 Spiritan Points

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Mr. Seminack’s Workout Routine Nothing screams biology like the tearing and repairing of muscle fibers through intense weight lifting! Gain up to 100 pounds of muscle in as little as a week, with this hardcore routine used by the infamous “Muscle Mike” Seminack after school. He’s not just your weight room chaperone – he’s your weight room hero!

STEP 1: LET REAL RECOGNIZE REAL Before beginning this rigorous workout, stare at your reflection in the mirror. Think about how you’re going to crush this weight room. Think about why you should be teaching AP Bio this year instead of Mrs. Bruno.

STEP 2: EXCITE THE MUSCLE FIBERS Start off with a light warmup that will get the blood pumping for the harder parts of the routine—25 curls with a twopound dumbbell ought to do it. 50 will let you start to feel “The Seminack Burn.”

STEP 3: STAKE OUT THE TERRITORY After your warmup, walk around the weight room and stare at the equipment. Act as if you’re about to use various machines to ward off fellow weightlifters, but never actually use any of them.

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STEP 4: MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC Once you’ve prevented any other studentathletes from using the machines, it’s time to break a sweat. Start by choosing the correct playlist for motivational purposes. Some Muscle Mike playlist recommendations: Eye of the Tiger (Rocky Retro), The Biology of Gains, Love Sosa (on repeat), The Nucleus of These Pecs.

STEP 5: THE INTIMIDATION

STEP 6: THE END OF THE GAIN TRAIN Finishing your workout right is always important. That’s why Muscle Mike likes to save his favorite lift for last. Start light with those bench reps – 1000 pounds ought to do it. Then add another couple hundred more to the bar for each set. This finish will take the Gain Train straight to its destination – back to Cornwells 105! **Disclaimer** Muscle Mike’s Workout Routine is not responsible for any unexpected injuries, hot babes crowding you, imbalanced muscles, random bursts of flames shooting from your biceps, or steroid addictions!

BY JASON BROWN 13

Move into the “serious business” part of the workout by staring down anyone using the weights that you want. This intimidation tactic works 99% of the time! Don’t just work out your muscles. Work on that killer instinct!

The Flame HGP celebrates grand opening of Founders zoo creatures “yelling about 20 phrases in a bad Dobby the House Elf voice in less than five minutes.” Another staffer reported watching another creature trying to tickle the Chess players. A third reported that he could hear these younger species casting their Magic spells from the new zoo’s bathroom.

By Michael Pimble STAFF WRITER This past school year, the students and teachers at HGP have encountered something brand new on the first floor of Founders Hall – our very own Holy Ghost Prep Zoo! That’s right. What used to be a library and a study area for the whole school is now a few wide open habitats.

Mr. Jacobs, the Head Zookeeper, confirmed our observations about the noise level. Jacobs noted that a recent study performed by him and the HGP Zookeeper Team, which found that the average volume of all the zoo’s creatures was around 170 decibels, about as loud as a shotgun shot or rocket takeoff.

Jacobs recommended that any member of the community wishing to enter the new habitat not do so without proper hearing protection.

The shelves of unused books have been replaced by a more spacious environment where the inhabitants can roam more freely. The various species who now live in the Zoo can sleep or stare at their phones in the new Zoo lounge chairs. Or they can socialize freely with other members of their environment, an activity no longer restricted by any “Quiet” signs.

However, the transformation of this open space has excited the Zookeeping Team. “The HGP Zoo will help our staff make important observations and conduct good research,” said Jacobs when asked about the Zoo’s grand opening. “All of the residents of our new Zoo have been interesting, so naturally we want to study more of their natural behaviors.”

Not everyone is happy about the arrival of the HGP Zoo. They believe its creation has led to some unwelcome new habitat behavior. The biggest complaint seems to be the increased volume of the new space, especially with the arrival of the Zoo’s newest inhabitants. Many of the Zoo’s former and current users have become alarmed by the noise levels some of these younger creatures reach when they interact with one another. “They were saying something about a Chips Ahoy Club and ‘smart-o-sapiens,’” one observer told us. “But do they have to talk about these things as if a plane was taking off on the other side of the room?”

Zookeepers may see some of these Zoo interactions as an opportunity for research, yet many of the Zoo’s former users object to the noisier new environment. One complained about how much the zoo’s new volume levels and wilder habitat had replaced the quieter study sounds of the former library. He wondered aloud how anyone “could possibly get homework done” while listening to the sounds of “people playing over competitive Chess.”

The high volume of these newer members has become especially noticeable when they gather at tables once used for group study and NHS tutoring to play matches of Chess, Clash Royale, and “Magic” during their Zoo periods (also known as “free” periods).

Despite the protests, it looks as though the HGP Zoo is here to stay, at least for now. Not everyone is unhappy with its arrival. “Now I can beat all the other freshmen at Chess!” said the current Grandmaster, the one who sounds like Dobby the House Elf. He also said he’s ready for some new Chess challenges at the Zoo. “Sometimes I like playing loud chess with upperclassmen too.”

To investigate the validity of the noise claims, I spent time observing these younger inhabitants in their new environment. Unfortunately, I could not stay longer than two minutes, due to the high risk of possible hearing loss. Other Flame staffers reported similar observations about the Chess matches and Magic games. One reporter described one of the younger 14

The Flame Student Editorial: How to Talk to Girls Who Visit HGP

By Luke Vogt STAFF WRITER

One caveat: under no circumstances should you ask this chick about herself, or otherwise give any impression that you are interested in anything other than her “physicality.” Maybe she says she likes long walks in the starlight. Tell her your legs hurt. She says that her favorite movie is The Godfather? Overrated. I mean, who cares, right? The only thing that matters is that the spotlight of the conversation is put back where it belongs: on you.

Yo boys. We’ve been getting some complaints lately from the big boys upstairs about the way we treat the girls who come on campus after school. Personally, I wasn’t sure why we were seeing any girls on campus to begin with. I guess they show up here to help out with the play. Remember when they sat us all down in the Chapel and talked to us about that? Just to show the big boys upstairs that we do know how to act like gentlemen in front of the girls, let’s go over some rules about how to talk to these girls who are lucky enough to set foot on the grounds of our blessed brotherhood.

Once the target of your pursuit has finally gained appreciation of your obvious greatness, it’s time to close the deal. As far as first dates go, choose a location that minimizes the potential for extended conversation. My personal recommendation is a movie at the local theater. Make sure you choose the movie. Don’t worry about any of her ideas about that. She’ll come around. Go with one that will educate her on the struggles of privileged men in a world that wants to take those privileges away. American Psycho is a great option, with its truths about the persecution of Sigmas.

Or The Wolf of Wall Street, with its idea that government regulation is just another form of oppression against men.

First step: the HGP mating call. When you see a girl on campus after school, don’t walk silently past like you would any other stranger. Shout our signature howl: “GIRL, GIRL, GIRL..!” The mating call serves two purposes: to get the girl’s attention, and to alert all of the local males that she is yours. The female will then show she is interested by performing her part of the mating ritual: avoiding any eye contact and sprinting for refuge in Founders.

Next Step! Run after your new love (victim) at full speed while making intense eye contact. If she seems to be reaching for her cell phone to call for help, you’re doing it right. The only thing left now is to corner her. I recommend a stairwell!

Between the silence of watching a movie in public and speakers loud enough to drown out any interaction, there is no need to worry about getting to know your date. With any luck, she’ll offer to pay for the tickets and the popcorn. A good woman will never agree with the sexist notion that men should always pay.

Now that you’ve gotten her undivided attention, you’re ready to start a conversation. First Tip: Girls love to hear guys talk about themselves. Looking for a guaranteed way to make her collapse like a house of cards during a hurricane? Brag about your accomplishments, even (and especially) if you didn’t actually accomplish them. Inform her of your stupendous GPA, your Ivy League admission-worthy SAT score, your workout routine (sometimes you place a picture of your ex on a punching bag when feeling insecure), and extracurricular activity accolades (surely she’ll be impressed when she finds out you’re the president of the HGP League of Legends team). Or tell her about your wonderful relationships with the women in your life. If she asks for examples, tell her about the conversation you had with your mom just last night, when you told her to make you a sandwich. (“No crust, Mom!”)

By the middle of the movie, it should be totally fine to go for a first kiss. If you’re feeling bold, put your arm around her shoulder. The fake yawn is a trustworthy technique, as all girls know. If she rejects your moves (extremely unlikely), block her on all platforms and never see her again.

Follow these instructions and you will find guaranteed success. For proof, just ask any Firebird. He’ll tell you what everybody knows: that the HGP mating call never fails, that you can handle all the important stuff just fine without any input, and most importantly, that if she doesn’t put out, don’t ask her out. Good luck, Firebirds!

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Press A+B to Start I’m sitting on my grandparents’ couch as my cousins argue. Bree and Jake are yelling at each other, just like they every day. Nick sits there, trying not get roped into their fights. I have no idea what they’re trying to settle. I stare at the TV, cradling a Wii Remote and Nunchuk™ in my hands.

My cousins and I are sitting in our usual spots on the couch: Bree on the left arm, Nick on her right, me under a picture of a chrysanthemum, and Jake against the end table. We’re focused on an Italian plumber gliding around an empty white space. Adorned with a red cap, overalls, and a black mustache, he announces “Mario Kart Wii!” It’s time to choose our characters. We pick the same ones we always do.

Bree takes Princess Daisy, Jake bags Donkey Kong, Nick goes with Dry Bones, and I snag Waluigi.

Wario’s Gold Mine starts playing on the TV. Lakitu floats by in a cloud, counting down as we rev our engines. Billows of smoke erupt from our exhaust pipes. Our Go-Kart tires screech against the wooden floor. Lakitu’s traffic light switches from red to green, and we bolt from the starting line.

Donkey Kong takes a quick lead, snatching an item block in front of a speed boost. D.K. 's prize is a banana, which he tosses to the ground. Swerving out of the banana’s path, Princess Daisy zooms past Donkey Kong. Just then a colony of bats clocks Daisy in the face and she falls behind. Dry Bones slithers his way through the onslaught, then clears a ramp that merges with a set of rails. Careful not to get bumped off by a minecart, Waluigi keeps his distance.

We race through a long tunnel, reaching a hole that overlooks a bend in the track. D.K. blasts out of the tunnel, followed by Bowser, then Luigi. Their cars and motorbikes slam onto the bridge and the characters zip toward the end of the first lap.

Toad materializes from nowhere, confusing Donkey Kong. Toad is sniped by a fireball and starts spinning along the cement outskirts. Princess 16

Daisy collides with Donkey Kong and regains first place. The Princess evades a new hailstorm of bats with great precision. But she doesn’t account for the huge minecart that’s dropping like an H-bomb from the ceiling. She smacks into a guardrail adjacent to the slopes of the mineshaft. Waluigi savors a couple seconds of directing the train of racers before he’s catapulted to the bottom of the leaderboard. Dry Bones emerges from a cacophony of horn blares and explosions unscathed, challenging the leading driver’s pride.

The race is neck and neck between Donkey Kong and Dry Bones. We approach the tunnel for the final time. Dry Bones glances at the boost pad in front of the ramp. Aiming a red turtle shell, Dry Bones drills the back of Donkey Kong’s car with the frisbee, passes the gorilla, and snags the win!

Donkey Kong is awarded the silver medal. Luigi takes 3rd and Princess Daisy 4th. Waluigi cruises to a respectable 8th place.

Nick relishes his victory. Once again, he has resolved Bree’s and Jake’s argument by dominating them in Mario Kart. I’m sitting on my grandparents’ couch, happy with my performance. Why should I care about my cousins’ squabbling? I just crushed my old record.

Story and Image: Logan S. Peterson 17

Best Bathroom

The Urinal

The

The Sussy

The Cozy

Smash

Campaigner

Stall

Camper

The Kobe

The Storage

The Lone

The Forbidden

Shrine

Closet

Ranger

Sanctuary

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The 3rd Annual Golden Ghost Awards!

And the winner is ...

Founders Bush

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Best Picture of Dr. Saxton

In the zone. Feeling good. In my lane.

Refreshed.

The Real Author of Living in Two Worlds: Kinship Networks and Pennsylvania’s Integration into the Atlantic World

I am behind you.

“Gamesmanship.”

“Gullible” is written Ashes to ashes dust to dust

on the ceiling (it was not)

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Unaware of the photographer (as usual)

3rd Annual Golden Ghost Awards!

And the winner is ...

Meatball Monday

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Teacher’s favorite game

Mr. Goulet:

Dr. Saxton: Lou’s

Dr. Pitts: Solitare

Llama or Duck

Catcher

in irl (in real life)

Best Library Proctor

He’s got better things to do

Doc’s Monday Migrane

Jungle Gym Enforcer

The Sentinel

Actually seems to likes this job

Less than thrilled

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And the winner is...

Mr. Heston: Mass Skipper Manhunt

And the winner is...

“As long as the building doesn’t burn down.”

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Scenes from the Buddhist Temple By: The Class of 2022 Exhibited here are seniors completing their summer religion assignment at a nonChristian place of worship. These seniors chose a local Buddhist Temple, taking some beautiful pictures...including a photo shopped one. Can you spot it?

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