HGP Lampoon 2025

Lampoon 2025

Lampoon 2025 The Myths and Mysteries of Ghost (Tim O’Reilly) …………………...…2 Yelp Reviews (Landon Nerenberg and Kellan Mahan) ……………....…4 Firebird News (Shawn Gozzi, Kellan Mahan, Liam Power) ……....6 Actual Quotes (Lampoon Staff) ………………………..…………………………....8 Faculty Lookalikes (Andrew Hilinski and Brady Bell) …………………..10 Coming Attractions (Lampoon Staff)………………………………………………...11 Dr. Saxton’s Educational Emporium (Lampoon Staff) ………………...14 Art Review (Liam Power)………………………………………………………………………..16 How To Use ChatGPT (Anthony Marino and Preston Abitz)……...18 Faculty .5s (O’Bryan Pierre) ……………………………………………………….……..19 Conquering the SAT (Liam Power) ……………………………………………………..20

STAFF Liam Power, Shawn Gozzi, Anthony Marino, Tim O’Reilly, Andrew Hilinski, Christopher Shannon, Rob Loper, John Heffron, O’Bryan Pierre, Landon Nerenberg, Kellan Mahan, Benton Hartner, John Henry Bollenbach, Henry Walsh, Brady Bell, Logan Novak, John Heffron, Jacob Daniel-Summerfield, Jude Ringen, Matthew Saxton, Sean Sharkey, Ben Mockenhaupt Cover: Liam Power Guest Editor: Preston Abitz Moderator: Matthew Jordan 1

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Actual Quotes Mr. Seibert: How can I tell the difference between the Hackmans?

Isaac Newell: Jacob wears blue and Jonathan wears white.

Dr. Tomshaw: They smell different too.

“If you take bad results, you're gonna fail. And if you fail, then you're not gonna get a job. And if you don’t get a job, then you don’t make money. And if you don’t make money, then you can’t buy food. And if you can’t buy food, then you're gonna die!”

Mr Seibert, explaining the consequences of accepting bad results in Chemistry Revelation of God Student: Have you ever been canceled, Mr. Scafidi?

Mr. Scafidi: Oh, I have been canceled many times.

Mr. Foley: I’m gonna put you to work.

Shawn Gozzi: You’re gonna put us to work in the mines.

Mr. Foley: Yeah, you’re gonna have to work for your keep.

“Why couldn’t we check his DNA?” Nathan Cole, asking Mr. Fenstermaker how to identify a soldier who died in 1918 “Why can’t they just swim away from the hurricane?”

Nathan Cole, asking Mr. Fenstermaker how to survive a hurricane in the early 1900s “Snuggles can be good.”

Mr. Goulet to Vito Candela and Connor Bittmann, who were sitting in the same chair Mr. Seibert: Guys, just some advice: when you date a girl, never ask a lady her weight.

Jonathan Hackman: Bold of you to assume nerds can get a girlfriend.

“It's like Tiny Tim on steroids.”

Mr. Eckerle, after hearing someone stomping down the hall outside his classroom “That’s my grandma!”

Eric Burns, watching a TV news clip in AP Gov that included a street interview with a senior citizen “I’ve never seen such a big container of rice for one person.”

Marcel Chattopadhyay’s thoughts about Dr. Saxton’s lunch “I’m sure, though, it was part of a sumptuous meal.”

Marcel Chattopadhyay, trying to redirect “Aww, it looks like they’re gonna kiss.”

Brendan Meehan, watching a news clip that included split screen photos of President Trump and Prime Minister Trudeau

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“End women’s suffrage! They’ve suffered enough!”

Mr. Bushek “I rage when I play Go Fish, no thank you.”

Peter Olsen Dan Fife: My topic sentences aren’t on the doc.

Mr. Jordan: Why not?

Dan Fife: I didn’t want to write anything on there until I thought it was good enough.

Mr. Jordan: Taking the high road. That’s big of you.

“I mean … yeah! There’s sex in Tibet!”

Mrs. Bruno in AP Bio, on why Tibetan monks accentuate female preferences in men “I have no life. I have NOTHING better to do.”

Dr. Saxton to Aden Brody, after Aden asked him to count the hundreds of pennies in the swear jar during AP African American Studies “I’m literally the guy your parents warned you about.”

Liam Power to Liam Ventresca, after sending Liam V. a picture of Liam V’s house “I’ll never understand ‘Got Milk?’ Like, yes I do! Why, do you want it or something?”

Tyler Fey ranting about the Got Milk? Campaign "Do I like drinking because I read a lot of Horace, or do I read a lot of Horace because I like drinking?"

Dr. Scanlon, discussing his epicurean leanings Liam Ventresca: Mr. Seminack, I have a question. Why is there corn?

Mr. Seminack: You don’t wanna know.

“Do you think I get any action?”

Liam Power, after showing Rocky Ball his “love playlist” Ms. Kirby: Are you scared of, like, dying?

Carter Beaver: I’m scared of going to hell.

Carter Beaver sorting out his fears about mortality in AP Psych Dr. Pitts: How about we have the students climb to the roof of the field house and jump off?

Mr. Seibert: What’s so funny, Mr. Gozzi? I’ll strap you to a rocket and fly you into the sun.

“Some fishy stuff is going on at Holt. I better go check.”

Eric Burns voicing another conspiracy theory, this one about the Blood Drive, in AP Gov “If you cheat, expect to be cheated.”

Christopher Shannon, on why taking the entire bowl of candy that people leave out on Halloween, instead of answering the door and handing out in person, is acceptable

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PROF-LOAF

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Faculty .5s

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