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LAMPOON 2020 A Letter from the President to the HGP Community (Charles Mshomba) …… ……2 Mr. Chapman’s Ten Commandments (Eric Pohl, Jimmy Littley, Joe Warchal)….….4 Get Your Butt to Little People School (Connor Gallagher and Joe Warchal) ……...4 Daily Announcements (Lampoon Staff) …………………………………………….................5 Teacher Trading Cards (Jose Rosado and Louis DeLuna) ……………….…………………..8 Actual Teacher Quotes (Jake Marek, Joe Noto, and Connor Gallagher) …….…….10 Coming Soon on Netflix (Nick Madaio, Aidan Bell, and Syed Naqvi) ..…………..….12 Teacher Tweets (Jose Rosado and Dan Chiolan) ……………………………………..……….14 Fake News from The Flame (Matthew Jordan) ……………………………………..…..…….15 Life as a Five Foot Six Ginger (Zach Van Arsdale) ....………………………………...……...16 Best Quarantine Look 2020 (Puneet Gupta, Ryan Henry, Pat Hoelzle) …..…………18 The Golden Ghost Awards (Kyle Stone) …………………………...……………………………..20 Fake AP Exam Questions (Jake Marek, Joe Noto, and Connor Gallagher) …………22 Hybrid Learning (Jack Graebner) ……………………….………………………..………………….24

Staff Krishna Mysore, Jose Rosado, Louis DeLuna, Nick Madaio, Charles Mshomba, Aidan Bell, Ryan Henry, Puneet Gupta, Matt McGrath, Dan Behr, Matt Watanabe, Henry Fina, Jake Marek, Joe Noto, Joe Warchal, Connor Gallagher, Kyle Stone, Eric Pohl, Jimmy Littley, Syed Naqvi, Jack Graebner, Dylan Wallace, Dan Chiolan Moderator: Matthew Jordan

Technical Consultant: Pat Hoelzle

Verse: Connor Gallagher

Images: Joe Warchal

Announcements Compliments of the Lampoon Staff

Teacher

Trading Cards

By Louis DeLuna and Jose Rosado

COMING

SOON! By Nicholas Madaio, Syed Naqvi, and Aidan Bell

Text: Jose Rosado

Graphics: Dan Chiolan

The Flame Student Tries to Check Out Book From Library Founders reduced to confusion and chaos Palermo’s efforts to check out the book shattered the library's usually serene setting, as a place where students can engage in arguments about fantasy football at the tables, or share YouTube videos in the carrels, without distraction. According to Dr. Scanlon, the library’s unofficial historian, no one has been spotted in the stacks since the spring of 2017, when Scanlon caught two students engaged in some passionate but alarming silent reading. Asked about the identity of a librarian who might have assisted with the checkout, Scanlon demurred. “There may have been someone at some time whose job it was to do things like that, but as far as who that person might be now, I really couldn't tell you." Pressed for more information, Scanlon could only confirm that whether or not the school has a librarian currently on staff, he is not that person.

By Matthew Jordan STAFF WRITER Last Wednesday, school order was turned upside down when a student attempted to check out a book from the Holy Ghost library. Tom Palermo, a sophomore in Mr. Hoban’s Sex and Dating class, triggered the uproar when he pulled a 1972 paperback copy of Betty Freidan’s The Feminine Mystique from the Social Science section of the bookshelves. Palermo claims he was interested in the book because he thought it might help him complete a paper on gender roles in the late 20th Century. Palermo’s troubles began when he first pulled the book from the shelf and triggered a dust storm. “At first I thought it was a few kids vaping in the aisle,” said Dr. Saxton, the proctor on duty, about the rapidly approaching cloud. “But then I realized it was just Tom sliding that book off the shelf.” Palermo’s troubles escalated when he approached the front desk and lost his bearings. “I don’t know what happened. I got confused. I mean, it looks like a place where someone might have sat and checked out a book for you. But now I’m not sure.” Palermo’s dilemma was further complicated by Dr. Saxton’s efforts to resolve the situation. "I heard a beep when I scanned the barcode," said Saxton. "But whether that beep meant that the book had actually been checked out or not, I have no idea." The situation was finally resolved when Saxton slid the book back across the desk with the whispered instructions to "Just put it back where you found it when you're done.”

Tom Palermo at the scene of the uproar 15

Life as a FiveFoot-Six Ginger Life as a high school student is already rough. But when you combine that with being five feet six inches tall and having red hair? I mean, life really can’t get much worse. Imagine being constantly rejected by girls. Or having old ladies hitting on you. These are some of the things that I deal with almost every day as a five-foot, six-inch ginger. When you’re a high school freshman, you look forward to the four years that are coming up. The good times. The first dates. The sports games. The parties. Getting into your dream university. Well, at least that is what I did. Fast forward to my freshman year formal. All of my friends are getting these beautiful ladies to come with them to the Holy Ghost Charity Ball. Me? Oh, I asked two girls. The first one said yes. Then, three days later, she told me that she now had a boyfriend. The second one said yes after I promised her I would give her ten dollars if she let me take her to the Charity Ball. And yes, I did give her the ten dollars. Sophomore Year. Formal Season. Here we go again. I ask the girl who I have liked for the last eight months to the formal. “I have a boyfriend.” Wow, haven’t heard that one before. Unfortunately, I had already bought my ticket, and I needed a date. Then a friend found me a girl. I thought the night was destined to be great. But as soon as we walked into the dance, she ran away. I haven’t seen her since. Girls are one thing. Handling old people is another. Especially old ladies. Do you know how many times an older woman has complimented me about my hair? “Oh my, your hair is gorgeous.” Or, “Your hair is just precious!” 16

Now, getting a compliment is not something I shy away from. But when 70 year-old women start hitting on you? At some point, it gets out of hand. This past summer, I worked in a deli. It was a Wednesday afternoon. An older woman walks in, most likely in her 70’s. She’s wearing a ton of makeup and her hair is dyed some blondish color. She asks me to make her a sandwich. I mean, that is my job, so yeah, why wouldn’t I? As I am putting the lettuce on her tuna hoagie, she quietly

says, “You got a girlfriend, cutie?” I respond with a solid no. She keeps going. “You are such a cute little boy … I wish you were around when I was younger.” Hold up. I am 16 years-old. 1-6. And you are hitting on me. I mean, let’s be real. I am not great with girls. But now old ladies are hitting on me. Like, what is going on, man? But I do my job and make her a sandwich. And then she gives me her phone number. Never have I ever called that number, and I never will. I’m not saying I’m special, but come on. I’m a five-foot-six ginger who can’t find a girl to go to a formal, and here I am pulling 70 year-old grandmas? The story of my life is that it’s an interesting one. Do you know how many times I hear, Gingers have no souls? Or, Hey look, it’s a leprechaun! If I got a penny each time, I’d be a millionaire. Being a five foot six ginger might seem like a good thing from the outside. But from the inside, the daily struggle of getting rejected and harassed would be enough to drive anyone over the edge. By Zach Van Arsdale 17

By Kyle Stone

HYBRID LEARNING THEN

NOW

DRESS CODE

WINTER FORMAL

HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS

TEACHER CLASSROOMS 24

BY JACK GRAEBNER