Twenty-ChapterThree

I’m ignoring my homework and neglecting my phone, instead curled up in my bed with Patch. We’re snuggled up rewatching the first episode of Gilmore Girls, just because.

Thanks to Abuela’s quick action, Dr. Delgado’s office has already scheduled me for an appointment this week, so I don’t feel quite so guilty leaning into the pity party for myself given how sluggish I feel, mentally and physically. Some days, it feels like I’m slogging through molasses while everyone around me is on hyperspeed. I even canceled the meeting Isaiah and I had set up to check in on Fall Fest things.

Something about the pop- cu lture- obsessed, coffee-addicted mot her- daughter duo of Stars Hollow always brings me great comfort, though. For one, they’re both from Connecticut, which is in New England, obviously, so it feels like I could pick up and visit Lorelai and Rory anytime I wanted. Everything about it, from the fast-paced chatter to the rich seasonal changes to the complex relationships among all the Gilmore girls to Paris Geller’s ent irely-too -much gene (I relate, okay?), feels like a steaming mug of warm tea.

I’m embarrassed by how many times I’ve rewatched the show in its entirety, including the Netflix additions, and I can quote so many lines from memory. (So many.) Like fall itself, everything about it is so cozy.

From the comfort of my bed, I hear Lily’s voice down the hall. “Abuela, I need help with my homework.”

This makes me snap to attention. I climb out of bed and pad down the hallway to where she’s sitting at the dining room table, as if summoned. “I can help.”

She and I have not been on speaking terms, but I always help with her homework.

Lily glares at me and calls, “Abuela!”

She comes into view from the laundry room, carrying a basket. “Sí, mi amor?”

“I need help with my homework.”

Abuela peeks at me over the mountain of linens. “Can you help your sister?”

“I told her I would, but she’s still ignoring me,” I say, not hiding the irritation in my voice. Lily hasn’t spoken to me in days now, and I’ve apologized so many times. What more can she possibly want from me?

“Lily, please let your sister help. I’m in the middle of something,” Abuela says.

“I don’t have a sister.”

I gasp at the same time Abuela hisses, “Lily!” She slams the laundry basket down onto the floor and puts her hands on her hips. “Okay. Enough! You two have been sulking and giving each other the silent treatment and slamming doors for days now. I was trying to let you work it out yourselves, but I’m done. ¿Qué pasa?”

Lily narrows her eyes at me. “She started it.”

“I told you I was sorry!” I argue.

“You didn’t mean it!”

“Of course I meant it!”

Abuela claps her hands. “¡Basta!”

The edge to Abuela’s voice tells us she means business. She orders Lily to explain. Then me. Lily shares her version of the story of how I was a total jerk. I offer a few corrections— I was not trying to hurt her feelings!— but mostly let it stand as she’s shared it.

Abuela gives a weary sigh, and I’m certain she’s going to turn to Lily and tell her she’s overreacting.

But she turns to me. “Mija, I know you mean well, but Lily is growing up. You need to let Lily decide for herself what’s good for her.” I start to object but she holds up a hand. “I’m not finished. If Lily wants to let her friend borrow her belongings, including her vinyl record, that’s her choice.”

“What if she never gets it back? Or what if it breaks?” I practically whine, hating how I sound right now and yet unable to stop myself.

“That’s not your business,” Abuela says simply.

Lily nods. “And Ruby’s not going to break it. She promised.” I huff. “But people accidentally ruin stuff all the time!”

“I don’t care! I really don’t.” Lily’s fists clench ever so slightly by her side. “You keep treating me like I’m a baby who can’t do anything. I hate it.”

That sucks the wind out of me, and I feel all the annoyance I’ve been holding dissipate, turning to shame instead. “You think I treat you like a baby?”

“You do. You made me walk with you to class like I couldn’t find it on my own. You think Ms. K is bad for letting me listen to music. You tell me Ruby is just using me. You barely let me walk to Nora’s house by myself.” She shakes her head. “And it’s not just that. You read things for me without giving me a chance to sound the words out. I at least want the chance to try. I’m not a little kid anymore.”

As she lists her grievances, I realize I can’t be mad at all. I do do all of these things, and maybe even more. There is a lump in my throat and I feel my eyes start to well, though I don’t want to cry. Not when it’s me who’s been such a jerk this whole time.

“You’re right. I guess I have been treating you like a little kid,” I say softly. “I’m sorry, Lil.”

Abuela gives me a very gentle smile and reaches out to take my hand. “It’s hard to adjust to change.”

I sniffle. “Yeah. It is. I just wanted to help Lily have a nice, easy transition to high school. I didn’t realize I was making it worse.” I look at Lily, whose gaze is on the floor as she rubs her elbow with her arm. “I’m sorry. I won’t treat you like a little kid anymore. I know you’re growing up, and you’re smart, and you’re capable, and you’re a million other amazing things, too.”

At this, Abuela takes Lily’s hand as well. “You’re both growing up— and I ’m so proud of you. My Liliana.” She kisses the top of Lily’s hand. “And my Whitney.” And then she kisses mine. “¿Está bien?”

Lily and I nod.

“Can Whitney help you with your homework now, Lily?”

“It’s okay. I can do the laundry instead,” I offer.

“No. I want your help.” Lily is still looking at the floor, but her voice is warmer. “If you still want to.”

I reach to give her an enthusiastic fist bump. “Of course I want to help if you want me to!”

She starts to push me away. “Ugh, don’t be weird.”

“Too late.” I grin. “I’m always weird.”

As I help Lily with her homework, I can’t stop thinking about how my biggest fear for her— that people might not treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves just because she happens to have aut ism— came true. But it was me who was guilty of it. Me. How devastating.

I tell myself I’ll be better not just for her sake, but for my own. Maybe I’ve let my Virgo, I -must-be -in- control- of- ever ything tendencies get the best of me.

It doesn’t take long for us to finish Lily’s homework, and by then, the tension between us seems to have dissipated entirely. That’s what I love about being Lily’s sister; we may break each other’s hearts one minute, but the next we’re plotting how to get Abuela to take us for ice cream.

There’s no ice cream involved tonight, but Lily does show me an Intonation interview that was recently uploaded to YouTube. It’s an old one, a snippet from one of their first concerts, before they skyrocketed to fame. She and I watched that concert on Netflix religiously. It was cut with interview segments between every couple of songs and we got to watch Intonation do normal things, like shop and play basketball and go bowling. Lily and I loved being able to see “our boys” being casual and normal, so much so that we ended up memorizing certain parts of the interview portions.

Parroting them back to each other as we watch this video feels so normal, but I know our normal is changing. It reminds me that— bot h for her sake and my own I need to relinquish some control.