CUSP

Aja Trice

Anne Bannon

Giulia Bellon Leila Riker

ndsay Zappas

ca Rudenstine

aud Etheridge

Mikayla Stout

vian Monteiro Y'all Rock !

nature of young adulthood. At CUSP, we are fascinated, terrified, and excited by the threshold of our adult lives, and

we aim to create an honest, open community through interviews, art, media, writing, and fashion. Here, we celebrate the awkward, the stressful, the funny, and the cool between youth and adulthood—we celebrate the cusp.

ONTENTS 28 4

ETTER FROM HE36 EDITORS

a period of life when one’s sense of self is in flux, the ways in which we document ourselves adopt extra

g. TheyMedia are of transition, of brinkhood, of verge. Consequently, these snapshots of the current self Insnapshots MyReview: Dorm his Way Up and Fleabag

o—agonizingly—incomplete. And while this incompleteness can suck, we're here for the stepping stones on the

your more complete self—here, we celebrate the uncertainties and missteps and false starts. Here, we

te the ugly color that you dyed your hair on impulse and the behavior that you aren’t necessarily proud of.

6

, we reject documentation that prioritizes completion over reality. Because the reality is that we aren’t

te—for better or for worse, we don’t know who we are. We may have an inkling of who we want to be, but a lot Student Artist Profile:

Vivian DaddyMonteiro Issues

e figuring out that part, too. That’s why this issue of CUSP—our very first issue—is a documentation of your

entation. For months, we have sifted through your stories, art, quotes, and photos, and we’ve ended up with

ait of the here and now. Unglossy and unfinished, this issue of CUSP is an anthology of indeterminate self-

41 8

—blurry, ultimately beautiful snapshots of the cusp.

Luca 21 Rudenstine Poetry Questions

arbara, & Gigi

42 15

Anne Bannon Poetry Isabel Evans: On Neurodivergence

16 45

Leila Riker Collograph Fiction: he Thing in the Back Seat

18 47

Reflections on The Graduate Heard Around Claremont

20 48

Mikayla Stout Prints Playlists of the Month

22

Student Artist Profile: Aja Trice

CONTENTS 28 4

LETTER FROM THE36 EDITORS

During a period of life when one’s sense of self is in flux, the ways in which we document ourselves adopt extra

meaning. TheyMedia are of transition, of brinkhood, of verge. Consequently, these snapshots of the current self Insnapshots MyReview: Dorm

This Way Up and Fleabag

are also—agonizingly—incomplete. And while this incompleteness can suck, we're here for the stepping stones on the way to your more complete self—here, we celebrate the uncertainties and missteps and false starts. Here, we celebrate the ugly color that you dyed your hair on impulse and the behavior that you aren’t necessarily proud of.

6

Namely, we reject documentation that prioritizes completion over reality. Because the reality is that we aren’t

complete—for better or for worse, we don’t know who we are. We may have an inkling of who we want to be, but a lot Student Artist Profile:

Vivian DaddyMonteiro Issues

of us are figuring out that part, too. That’s why this issue of CUSP—our very first issue—is a documentation of your

documentation. For months, we have sifted through your stories, art, quotes, and photos, and we’ve ended up with a portrait of the here and now. Unglossy and unfinished, this issue of CUSP is an anthology of indeterminate self-

41 8

image—blurry, ultimately beautiful snapshots of the cusp.

Xoxo, Luca Rudenstine Poetry

21 Questions

Nola, Barbara, & Gigi

42 15

Anne Bannon Poetry Isabel Evans: On Neurodivergence

16 45

Leila Riker Collograph Fiction: The Thing in the Back Seat

18 47

Reflections on The Graduate Heard Around Claremont

20 48

Mikayla Stout Prints Playlists of the Month

22

Student Artist Profile: Aja Trice

If You Like Fleabag... ...Try This Way Up

community service uncomfortable.

In season is pushing 2, Aine you gets to see drinks This Way with Up Richard, , the BAFTA-winning her kind-of boyfriend, Channel and 4 comedy his best drama friend, that captures seemingly charming the them humor, withheart, her earnest and wit hurtand of Fleabag podcast recommendations. while offering a hilariously “I didn’t expect fresh take her on to adult life. come in and do a fuckin’ show,” says says the friend afterwards, Similar unaware to Fleabag that, Aine This is Way listening Up (available around on Hulu) the corner.takes It is aplace testament in London, to the where show’s astellar 20something writing thatAine her(played chatterbyisAisling both genuinely Bea, who is funny also the screenwriter) and delightfully appealing, is readjusting andtothe dailyshow life following shines a “teeny the most weeny” when itnervous deftly swishes breakdown. back During and forth the day, Ainehilarious between teaches andaheartbreaking. class of adult Englishlanguage Fleabag’s learner second, (in the first andepisode, final, season she uses airedan in episode2019 Spring of Keeping and is often Up With lauded theasKardashians a show with to a help herending—satisfying, perfect students practice but family not cheesy, vocabulary. with “Caitlyn is the Fleabag’s small, mother?” final wave asks lingering one student. in the air “She long is…

Caitlyn”the after Ainecredits answersstart afterrolling. a moment).

This We Way rootUp for, her when she decidedly, doesisnot uninvited end onfrom suchaaparty, satisfying we cringe note: when she instead, theoverstays audience isher leftwelcome with a cliffhanger at her boss’ and house,of many and thewe characters’ shudder when lives in sevarying invites her states friend of from rehab chaos.

It’s unclear over forwhether sex. this state of chaos is permanent—season Aine and Shona’s 2 aired relationship in the summer is a central of tenet of 2021.

Though This Way it hasn’t Up, just been as Fleabag renewedand for a Claire’s third sisterhood season, it also is hasn’t a key—if been explicitly uneasy—relationship canceled. Don’t in Fleabag let this defer . Even youFleabag’s from watching, description though: of This her Way older Up’s sister—“super unresolved high-powered, ending is perhaps perfect, a poignant anorexic, rich”—fits Shona testimony to thenearly loneliness, perfectly. silliness, Thisand is where hopethe of similarities life in the real between world. Just the like twoFleabag pairs of . sisters ends, though—while Fleabag and Claire’s relationship is ultimately a portrayal of a deep, fierce relationship between the two women (“the only person I’d run through an airport for is you” says Claire in the final episode), it is also a rocky and tense one. Aine and Shona’s relationship is more visibly loving: codependent, surely, but accompanied by an undeniable, magnetic warmth. Similar to shows like Derry Girls or even Gilmore Girls, scenes with Aine and Shona are fast-paced and nervy, and you have to listen close to parse out the snippy oneliners and quick comments amidst their brisk Irish accents when Aine drunkenly lets a homeless man crash on Shona’s couch or when Shona checks Aine with for hemorrhoids with a phone-flashlight.

Fleabag famously maintains her wry loneliness by breaking the fourth wall, detaching from the world as her eyes dart towards us. Aine is similarly lonely, but instead of breaking the fourth wall, she keeps her guard up with a near-constant stream of jokes, usually at her own expense. She AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

DADDY ISSUES

atment rious my short regulars because skirt at and theeyeliner bar, “she's one that man ledpulled him to me He ng I must asked for it” have It's meendured not to stay something some back and sort go of trauma? home with I arned my olitely brain declined in as your to why psych and men returned class feel any to my sortfriends, of rightto he an women sneered, year; so freely, shooting it's deeming not thethe diagnosis us dateable of or “daddy not, ne ed at of my oraintact. back. joke. Daddy The I grappled combination issueswith is ofunderstanding a couple of gin onics, h-all addy phrase issues my plunge even for legitimate, meant. neckline, What mixed do wewith mean my we est x human use in dropping theemotions phrase? my and Are panties iswe referring led him to a his sional” ’s rooted promiscuity, conclusion. in misogyny, to herutilized sexual habits? Are we gmize It wasn't to women’s women until the experiences, whonext desire morning affection that I and really on sed and but what preferences. who hemen said have You and need tried renamed to piece needy together and he using ttached? could it. have Daddymeant. issues isn't What, a term because to be used I was AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Let's make one thing clear: I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA t writing this to say that matic, abusive, and tic relationships with one's do not affect a woman’s mantic life. I am certainly not this to minimize any sort of nce a woman has had with r-holding man in her life. My is with daddy issues as a what it perpetuates and s, how it is used and d, and with those who use it. re’s Why:

phrase daddy issues etely deflects blame off men who have caused and trauma and onto AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA

relationships as daddy issues entirely blames her they were talking Using daddy issues both as a for the abuse sheabout. has experienced, excusing descriptive for a woman’s sexual preferences her father’stool behavior and other men’s because further shames women for damaged” being sexual she’s “asking for it” or is “too to creatures expect or and forotherwise. communicating theyand want.

We label accept Thesewhat excusals accusations sexually women with toclear sexual are wildlyliberated problematic and add the neverpreferences asvictim having daddythat issues because it's ending cycle of blaming exists within our easier put them in astop box villainizing and ship them away society.toWhen will we women for than it isthey to recognize and accept that they the pain experience and instead turn to are the deviating from it? the social norm. We tell loud and men who inflict opinionated women that they have daddy issues because it's the easiest to shut them up. and 2.

The term daddyway issues villainizes

shames perfectly normal female behavior.

4. Seriously, just daddy shut the fuckharm up Not only does please the phrase issues already.

It's trivializing forvictims womenoftomaltreatment, constantly be women who have been

labeled asassumes having daddy issues for being but it also that behavior that menwomen deem with complex emotions is who advocate forfirst what we as “trauma responses” negative in the place want orcompletely for desiringnormal real emotion and not behavioror forconnection women to from ourin.partners. issuesthat is stuck on us engage Why do Daddy we assume if a woman when we a want to beway, treated with respect or when behaves certain whether having sex with we cravemen, attention or affection.

We’re shutenjoying up and multiple dressing a certain way, told we’re asking for too flirting, et needy, cetera,overly she’s attached, damagedorand, therefore, much, thatI cannot we're trying fill still a void.

We put unstable? believetothis needs toare be said down for asking for basic needs. is absolutely but: women like sex!

We love it, inThere fact! Why is it that nothing wanting affection and engaging wrong in it with without intense romantic attention (and there'sthere absolutely wrong connections means must nothing be something with having either.) wrong with no us?interest, Why do men feel the right to go around assigning labels to women and their And finally, thethe women who it know what actions, andtowhy fuck does haveexactly anything to I’m talking There is my nothing wrong with do with my about: relationship with father?

As clinical wearing a push-up bra; there nothing psychologist Erika Groban, PhDissaid, “thewrong term with having a lot of sex. There nothing wrongterm with “daddy issues ” merely servesis as a general asking attention.

There is nothing wrong with used tofor describe women that men view as needy liking something Women specific inare bed.

You are entitled to and wounded.” constantly villainized want absolutely romantic. for our actions, fromnothing the way we speak, toYou howare we respected for wanting to be loved. You not a dress, to what we do; men absolutely loveare to police product of your deserve to be it. It's getting old;trauma. grow upYou anddo cutnot it out. mistreated. Your past doesn't define you. You are notThe a gullible who cannot your own 3. term fool continues cycleshelp of silencing, suffering. You're not damaged, and you're not as well as slut and kink shaming. Last undateable. You are not defined by the men that semester, a friend of mine spent a night getting came before you or those that follow in their drunk in a study room, playing Cheers to the footsteps. You are capable of loving and fucking Governor, a trademarked “crazy night out” in and kissing and laughing and being loud and not Claremont. She was prompted at some point talking at all, fully and wholeheartedly. You are not between 1 and 21 to share with the group what defined by the painful stamp of men’s words. kind of sex she liked. She expressed that she enjoyed some choking and pinning here and there and was met with laughs from the group and the famous daddy issues diagnosis. She went on to express that that wasn't true or fair and that she just knew what she liked, and that intimidated them. They said, “and she’s proving our point even more by defending it.”

RUE 21

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itches more distant. were stanky as hell, isand my but best I've friend and is fa ng, stuff. lotand more I so cried responsibility, it My kinda in mom the works arms for of maybe us. myreally I feel youlike don'tmy getdad as many hanneling and an my old Virgo soul.

He's this an introvert year, and and I've socially toof ,es, really and and he got it's comforted not me, fast andrising and it's me,nice intense, and and then but freaky it’s more but consistent eaning rd, he doesn't shit, like been talking using to people, my planner, so I love ally ble great, this intimate, great timeI've around sex. and It was afterward and a feels straight more it'sand nice equal. toIt'schatting really nice to eryone. ash them Butme, probably it'sI'm interesting, every three the only weeks. person I can ever exist omforting and best so friend yeah… who which isinto also is the romantic. definitely standup asex! ortable with is my dad,really and so we bond over periencesilence for me and it was ece. both love plays and politics, so we find niche interests b onto that, and otherwise we exist in comfortable

With

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mom and I as would always get cranberry Revolution like up porn knows one going what before.” you who My to the know, they friends’ parents I hell designed a and are kid do houses with you gonna are I always aneed journal my excellent and turn grandma to got asking out for behooked parents, my to doing if be. mom and I on getting for the her storyline birthday snow caps so I juice and sparkling water with aWii. little lime. at 7am? could couldn't because and they feeling do arereally some she's It super is likeway focus a Iboxing was Pisces supportive too the onon early and masturbating. luckiest their Ifor put and all girl that Iofguess inthey've that. quote the And whole Ion know the wide it's front, world. anand outlet I it’s our thing and makes us feel a little IDon't for try always need to a lot think you to of let get people about have me my aggression be athat who headache, my every need own and day. a vice person aren't my Yesterday and you and are isexperimenting yesterday and with boujee but also helps if our tummies hurt nauseous? demons their we make can't sexuality my out hold own Like some ourselves and decisions, you're way with and accountable what either and that's feels aI've the tummy good. for never that, Onbut thewhen otherwe hand, I and perfect. acheitit's way find choose gotten toreally girl go. to in live trouble or exploitative aanew headache orday, gotten and it's graphic wonderful. grounded girl, I'm and We've adisturbing or neverand seenbelieve it headache it before, any perpetuates of who that girl, knows weird and really what ifbullshit. harmful I wake could They up happen. tropes before justofLife are 9what is sosex fastshould and and am my shouldn't fleeting really really and head be,fierce can and ischange pounding. inhow their before women love Literally and your should also eyes howin and look so in I try heterosexual to wake canand dynamics, up their anyone pursuit remember and be forhappy I me think that, toright that have remember now? really an education The harmful. that day a day I don't can be know, a poem.

I think has not that and because tobegun. become of globalization self-educated, and the but way our world is regulated, there sometimes I thinkisassoa much kid I was under sometimes regulation of what people have access to overexposed toworld that I think it messes with the psychology of human emotion and human connections, and i think it can be really harmful to how people perform their sexual experiences with people. I think it creates this disconnect in real life that is really dangerous and scary.

21 20 17 3 5 19 6 84

me nd hip me comfortable migrants shirt I love out it's than inthat so to his because write we cheesy. arms in says the have with essays, dancing mama it's city, Now short people when and and all bear to distance, I'm my they're Bruce you as , gonna which friends alove. creative super and isbe clown Killliving so sweaty Bill me I’m with for like en ym ut ozy ve teen asn't fucking for iton always and allon her that been dries everyone the ex-boyfriend, last felt song, itTV. asummer just like day I remember and writing sets finds inI in was but 4itthe them aso years personal then just having weird city and like that Nobody before when I'm oh a we like god moving I Gets thisMe is ong ve n ard now, rement seen because ortime for alet's each piece my home. falling apply they’re new other. of asleep She’s creative partner, a little like She’s 82—she's “You're as deodorant." nonfiction and aatlittle Brown Special 19.agirl Why Gemini—and that and ,right we've do all had g nd ntify ntical ismy issues going I'm as aspects mom here; ato with mama to live she woven lay ourselves with with bear?” just us, inme broke and and every we're stories up our night, with gonna bodies, hercook and so en and nd. the ded, I started nail have But that's onwe're girls the who to read, nights head Igonna am, and with every I’mlive Ipolitical that started night together one. and but I'm gointo bars o rsonal, tbefore have this summer, a and bed, hotI girl like and take summer, toitwrite changed on the about and city, my it's my some life! going hot to be g.but also about the world and you can ory through that. And so I think I'd ly write some essays.

SAE 21 5 3 8 716 4 2 Q's

guy isshe sparking knows who strong allbroke moments about enough up mywith that relationships. toon pick I was Valentine’s you likeup ‘maybe and Day.] fuck I should A couple break up with weeks you in the ago, him.’ air. before things got worse. I don’t know if it was real love, maybe it was just obsession.

With

AYEHU 21

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entary. Because I want to be real. g, treat n ds ugh. ing nship. of favorite Ilike in went except So love itthey're like we’ll to right band athe they movie. get going bathroom into and would Ito need a do lot it’salways of a italso I plot, debates, anyway, brought my not telljust mom’s the so mesex.” not toys to be with a g tent d,t's and it.I cool, got person.

I used you punished. know. toAnd listen They when to them were I’mwhen like, incompetent ‘why I was would a they you spank ys lot to of the the me—I’d bathroom? songs probably aren’t That’s evendo dirty, that the don’t important, same do that.’ for my n. ust touches on every human aspect, and al daily life, and I feel like it’s stuck with me st.

With

AYEHU 21 3 7 2 89 13 20 5 6 4 18 117 19 11 110 16 21 12 15 9 4 Q's

Documentary. Because I want to be real. smoking, everything almost so an It’s other I’m 69 when internship. kind hands my laugh. treat of favorite Ilike in went except So love itthey're like we’ll to right band athe they movie. get going bathroom into and would Ito need a do lot it’salways of a italso I plot, debates, anyway, brought my not telljust mom’s the so mesex.” not toys to be with a competent me, favorite, but now? down banning like and it's and it.I cool, got person.

I used you punished. know. toAnd listen They when to them were I’mwhen like, incompetent ‘why I was would a they you wouldA bring child. toys spank lot to of the the me—I’d bathroom? songs probably aren’t That’s evendo dirty, that the don’t important, same do that.’ for my children. but it just touches on every human aspect, and individual daily life, and I feel like it’s stuck with me the most.

With

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et d genuine, that then yourself shitI do right but my up basically tolaundry… for the success. trash. riding Don't the get airplane drinks isaway. interview that's gonna be on taking place. yurmom… ex-girlfriend. my newYou mom. know what I mean. Don't r to begin with. Don't ask her to hang out. efinitely don't add alcohol on top of it. Like

Only on my step stool do I reach her eye level.

We both stand at five and a half feet but it is she who most often looks down on me, because she was born on a pedestal and I was not.

Made in my image, the flaws I so wish to be rid of have never touched her.

They have never carved her to the brittle bone.

Her eyes crinkle in a laughter I have yet to know, so carefully crafted into a smile that is untainted by the indifferent hand of God. I do not let Him touch her as He touched me.

I am the only God she knows.

Looking upon her leaves an acrid taste on my tongue.

It is not deserved. She didn’t ask to be idolized, to bear the vicious brunt of my jealousy.

We are sculptor and statue.

Flesh and marble.

Woman, and the wretched thing she wishes she could be.

When the chisel cleaves through marble at her hip, it is less violent than one would think. Religious, almost, if religion is cursing creation.

I trace the cavity left in the wake of the strike with a reverent touch.

The brutality of tender hands on open wounds and the tenderness of brutal intent to open more.

The chisel is brought down again, again, again, until I must kneel to meet her gaze.

Her body is broken, her face all that remains, the smile a sneer.

I am left in the field of my own desolation, gripping the tools that brought me here, with a body rent asunder at my fingertips―whose?

This is my magnum opus.

I will die a work of art

stleading spectacular up tofashion. my college graduation, I have d Ben, home the anewly-minted few times forcollege holidaygraduate, gatherings, is ving greeted in his bysuburban expectantLos faces Angeles asking, home “So, what’s with sr you?” that, though All I canwell-meaning, offer is some nervous are pretty laughter much eto sheepish, their son’s “Well…I’m cluelessness. lookingAtinto his homecoming, something in bs ng,and but weaves we’ll see…” between Instead his of the parents’ anticipation friendsI should his praises be feeling, and proclaiming I often feel thata plastics numbness, are ure. nallyWhen interrupted he finally by thinks a jolt he’s of anxiety alone in that the ofeshis me room, just Mrs. long Robinson enough to (Bancroft), submit yet theanother wife of hip er’sapplication law partner, intoappears the voidand before asks I go forback a ride to on Once my at bed her and house, dreaming she tries of lives to seduce that arehim, more at er ough thaninnuendo my own. and then by whipping out her They I don’t fallsay intothis a clumsy to be aaffair. total buzzkill, On his though parents’I eBen howgoes you could on aget date thatwith impression.

Mrs. Robinson’s I say all er, clue Elaine you into (Ross), mymuch headspace to the as elder I sat Robinson’s down to h. He a little fallsfilm forcalled her. She Thefinds Graduate out about (1967).the affair mps The film, him.which He chases stars Dustin her around, Hoffman, culminating Katharine in and mentthe where American he objects—in treasure Christ-like that posture— is Anne wedding ft, focuses and onthe Benjamin two run Braddock away together.

(Hoffman) In the as ot, tends theirwith momentary the emptiness exhilaration of hisfades existence to reveal and es al dread, to feel and something—anything—that we are left to wonder if could they really give meaning d a plastic and future. direction. When I first watched it, I, eyed Now,18-year-old, here I am, approaching had just graduated the first from time high in and where whilethere I would won’t say Ibe gotany the core schoolwork themes to of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

when she and directives became thenpregnant turn to said and woman’s left college. daughter to proposeOne marriage. of the few Hemoments is following where the we social getscripts a clue thatMrs. into haveRobinson’s informed inner his white emotional suburban life is when upbringing. she’s Go toinschool, lying bed with get aBen. job, He get suggests married. Do artas asyou’re a topic told. of conversation—which For me, and Ishe reckon says forshe the audiences knows nothing that made this for about—only filmher the to say phenomenon that she was that an itartis,major The Graduate in college represents a few minutes a clashlater, of individual with adesire palpable and collectiveand sadness expectations—how a thousand yard stare the washing pursuit over of one her involves face.

While a betrayal she andofBen thecontend other. Situated with a shared within Hollywood sense of dread history overand the trajectories the coming-of-age of their lives,genre Mrs. more specifically, Robinson grapples the with filmit both through in itsa themes quiet resignation. and in its release She saunters date, marked around, the coolly endperforming of an Old her Hollywood role of that suburban the strictly delineated wife and themother—only wrong and righteous. occasionally In the world letting theofmask The Graduate slip to betray , no onewhat is theisclear happening hero or villain. Yet, the central characters are linked by a underneath. shared So sense hereof I am: crushing presented listlessness with twothat models is only for disrupted how to contend by involving with others dread,ineach their one selfish in impulses. line with That’s human. certain gendered imperatives. I could be a Ben, externalizing As film it in critic theKenneth most swift, Turan public saidfashion, in the Los or I Angeles could be Times a Mrs. , The Robinson, Graduate letting is “frankly it fester awithin film you me admireI more until can’t than take actually it anymore. enjoy experiencing.”

Neither sounds The radical honesty particularly appealing—the of the film—its former willingness feeling unnatural to show selfishness, and the latternihilism, feeling likeand, a betrayal. of course, dread—is frequently What I’m uncomfortable left with after this andrewatch always is a compelling. sense that, Therein yes, lies its dread subversive is universal power. The and film captures the dread uncomfortable, but itofcan that also post-grad be a motivator phase to of steer life, a dread my life in I know new and I feel—a unexpected dread that directions. is probably All of these more ubiquitous than characters enacted any ofsteps us really to know. reclaim control and choice But in the even faceif of TheanGraduate abstract, highlights all-consuming the universality feeling.

If nothing of certain else, feelings I canortake truths a semblance about human of nature, itin also comfort the fact centralizes that I doainspecificity fact have in some howfree to respond will to dictate to said how Ifeelings can respond and to truths the scary, through exciting, the actions of Ben. challenging timesAthat heightened lie aheadanxiety as the underpins (soon-to-be) all that Ben does as he seeks a curative for his graduate. emptiness through his dogged pursuit of Elaine. He Kennethwalk Turanto and Justin runs.

Chang,He “50doesn’t Years Later, doesn’t her—he drive'The to Graduate' Is a Study He in the of Obsession, Los Berkeley—he speeds. can’tPower just hear her when” she Angeles Times (Los Angeles 20, 2017). says no—he follows herTimes, everyApril move and tries to convince her otherwise. Winning Elaine feels like a life or death matter, but once he “gets” her in the last shot, he is only momentarily exhilarated by the thrill of his conquest before the emptiness sets in again.

So, that begs the question: If the antidote to dread is not a series of big gestures, then what is?

Though her perspective is more marginalized in the context of the plot, Mrs. Robinson presents an alternative response to an emptiness born from a dissatisfaction with being a housewife. Played by a decrepit 36-year-old Bancroft, she is far past the age where every decision feels charged with a life-ordeath urgency. Life just has a way of washing over her. You get the sense that she begins an affair with a man her daughter’s age not because she has any particularly deep emotional connection to him, but because he’s there. When her husband inevitably AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AJA TRICE

Student Artist Spotlight: in her first sketchbook hometowntoofcollege, Greeneville, since South someone Carolina is going for to want 11th andto 12th seegrade, this.” specialized primarily in metals during high The school. sketchbook Now,isAja from says anwith after-school a laugh, she art programathat “works lot Aja in enrolled fibers.” inThat the summer might be before an fourth grade. “The understatement: sheprogram taught herself was how for to artistically crochet giftedknitchildren, and during the though pandemic, I’m putting and her ‘gifted’ room is in a quotation pink, yellow, marks, andsince blueno phantasmagoria nine year-old is gifted of yarn at art” she says. swatches.

Crocheted It is mostlybucket filled with hats self-portraits and skinny of Aja at age scarves arenine, her labeled go-to birthday “still life” in gifts, herand adolescent it’s not scrawl. “I almost uncommon to see feel like an I Aja didn’t Trice havecreation a childhood milling of making art around Frary creatively, Dining since Hall, I wasthough nine years she old also and thinking about continues to work form with and printing composition” and drawing. she admits as I flipWhen through asked it. Aabout few drawings artists she deviate is inspired from portraiture, by, Aja immediately though—notably, says Frida I spot Kahlo a drawing (a small of a large rainbow picture of hereyeball is taped andnext another to Aja’s of a light greenswitch) apple with fangsofand because her armpit portraiture. hair. “She was obsessed with herNow owntwenty look, and years I’mold, similar Aja isinathat. second-year She put Studio Art herself in her major work at Pomona all the time, College. andDuring that was our interview, she celebrated.”

Aja’ssits senior cross-legged project in high on school her bed, was surrounded also heavily influenced by a pink throw

by Arline blanket Fisch,and a pioneer a bright in yellow pillow,metals combining both of which and she weaving. crocheted.

“She’s Aja, who very is named after innovative and cool, the Steely and seems Dan song, to notisreally wearing give a multicolored fuck, ” said Aja.sweater “I want to that be the sheperson made laying out ofdown yarn scraps, new paths, andlike her her.” walls Finally, areMéret wallpapered Oppenheim, with who pink and orange was a “boss-ass printssurrealist.” that she made Her 1936 last sculpture semester.Le A collectible Déjeuner en spoon fourrure that her made brother an especially gifted herlarge also hangs on the“She impression: wall.made She keeps a really an eye funtrained little teacup on her laptop throughout covered in fur, which is the a metaphor interview,for watching oral sex, and her teammates it made a lot on of people the Pomona-Pitzer uncomfortablediving and upset. teamI competing want to make at weird Regionals artwork in Atlanta. like that.”

“Oh shit, he just fell off ofDespite the board!” thisshe array says more of conceptual than once. Her art AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A

yllypractice a liberalofarts art school—often to the practice doesn’t of going allow to m e and every space day, for herlarge student-athlete creations. Her alter favorite ego that through. she’s made, Currently, she says,Aja’s are the exercise ones that in ency ft-oriented is drawing and a functional. self-portrait “Sometimes every day.

I think She craftsman let herself spend rather more than than an artist, 10 minutes because on have ortrait, something and she to never say skips but sometimes more thanI two feel n’t a row. have“Some anything of them to say,look ” shereally said.bad, “Knitting but a it he r doesn’t pressure necessarily off. I’ve probably say anything done about g.” now, and I like at least ten of them.”

Significance “Are you touchy for the about sake people of significance seeing your is gly ook?” a point I ask as of contention I flip through in Aja’s the leatherartistic e:notebook, she feels the “disingenuous” first half pinning of it filled meaning with er s. artwork “I wouldn’t after hand it's that beensketchbook created, but to “the just e, ,” she scary says. thought In some is that of other the drawings, artists are Aja going has ed me her an impostor face in colorful, and arewaxy goingpastels, to say that whileI ractice are shaded enough, andmy blended art isn’t with good thinenough, gray lead.

I’m king 11 years art about apart,anything it is reminiscent so therefore of her myfirst art ook: matter.” self-documentation of the artist, by the she rejects hypothetical claims that her art matter, she is also confident that her art ecious.” Consistency of practice is the key to ndset: “If I only made one piece of artwork AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Scorpio "The seal is named Keif, short for Markief. I got him in Little Tokyo."

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tudent Artist Profile: vian Monteiro

own ro.

I pursued Vivian creation. isart aAnd Scripps in college because senior because we adhere and an I knew to artist theI orks t be journalistic happy primarily if I didn't. standards with painting It's something here and atthat ceramic CUSP I've, my re. and whole Recently, I were life. My only her grandmother solo mildly exhibition, intoxicated is anExtensible artist. as She we, and owcased ted this she interview. put at Harvey a paintbrush Mudd’s in my Sprague hand as Gallery, soon ng ld hold a it. curation So I've always of her beensculptures making art and safe gs. Prior placetoand that, it'sher what thesis makes project—a me happy. series It's makes tal paintings me feel fulfilled visualizing and content, the speculative so I knew was described somethingby I wanted 17th tocentury study in writercollege.

Studies pher Margaret I chose as Cavendish an accompaniment in her booktoThe art eWorld I thought —wasit featured would help in Scripps’s me get a fall job.senior And I owcase. t it wouldInconvince additionmy toparents her artthat practice, I wouldshe be nd so they worked wereas funding a curatorial my education. internBut atalso, theI mson y really Gallery fell in love on campus with Media andStudies volunteers through for ARTstART like Intro toat Digital the Claremont Media Studies Lewiswith Museum, Carlin Ishe really works likedwith howlocal it examined high schoolers how we to nate nicate visually. art education It's very broad, curriculum but that's one for hings AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I liked about it.

an you think back to your childhood and on your first exposure to art making? So you y mentioned your grandmother, but how did d the people around you nurture that initial t in addition to that first moment? henever we would visit my grandparents, she ese little art kits that she would give us. And ad paints and paintbrushes and different s and stuff. And we would just spend the day drawing together and it was really fun. In tary school, my school couldn't afford art on for the students. There was this local artist ould come in occasionally to just have after art classes, and that's when I learned to paint e. She would just have us print out pictures of da bears or whatever we got excited about. e really taught me to look at little details and “Oh, what's the angle like here? What's the ? Am I drawing what I perceive or what I think I e?” That was huge for me.

Then another really great mentor I gained in hool is a local oil painter near where I live in d, and I met her because she was teaching a nd I was her student. I reached out to her later with her about murals because I knew she murals, and I ended up becoming her tice, which was so amazing. I honestly don't AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

working who makes withaoil living paint, as which a painter, waswhich superis, fun.

I feel And like—it's then thecollege, in dream.I made It's also a big something switch. Basically I never Iknew went was into possible.wanting college I think it's myvery concentration rare to meet to be someone painting. likeI that—who's couldn't be athat painting brave. concentration She is justbecause herself, Iso wasn't she doesn't able to get support into any anyone advanced else. I painting think that's classes, probably which a big still I'm reason a little why salty she about. was able But Ito think make thatit ithappen. worked But out it was for theso best cool because to be inI her found studio digital surrounded painting. Iby found her paintings—to that throughwatch Mediaher Studies paint. and She would through paint like with the me. She digital artwould track. set It's still up still painting, lifes for it's me just sometimes, a different sometimes way.

And it'sshe in some wouldways painteasier me. And because I felt like, there's I don't a know…button. There's an eraser, and you can't usually back erase paint. So it's freeing in some sense. In other GH: ways, A it's rock less star? satisfying because you don't get to feel VM: texture the I did feel oflike theapaint. rock star.

I likeShe's moving very around encouraging. when I She's still paint.

I likea having good friend a bigand canvas mentor andtoday, just using and she my introduced whole arm. When me toyou're a visual digitally development painting, you're artist bent that she went over an iPad to college or a with.

Wacom She'stablet. the person That who was talked a big me through change and I'm what stillvisual working development on digital art, forbut animation it's part was of myone thesis of the now forces and it's thatsomething made methat realize I want thatto it was something pursue as a career. that I wanted to do.

GH: As Youfor mentioned personal themes that you in are yourfrom artwork, Portland, what which do you I personally think areassociate some of with thea strong ideas art that scene. are How did that upbringing shape your perspective on prevalent? what VM: I like artnarrative. can be and I like how notpeople tellingthe canviewer interact what with to think, it? but leaving things open…I want my viewer to feel VM: You curious when know, I see I didn't my work. go I downtown like when people that view much it growing up. differently depending I feel like sometimes on their life when experiences. you grow I think up somewhere, of joy and wonder. you don't Those fully are experience emotions it—you I want don't to explore it—because you think you already know it. But evoke. one of my Something favorite places I wantto togo explore was always more isthe identity: PAM, the own my Portland identity.

Art Museum, I feel like that's and they something have some that really I find incredibletoo. difficult exhibitions.

It's something I would go I'masstill a kid; understanding it's free. So I would myself, about go withbut myit'sfamily something sometimes I wantand to explore I'd just spend forever looking at the art. And they'd be like, further.

“Okay, it's time to go.” I'd be like, “You have to look at GH: this first!”

So as I think parthaving of your access art practice, to art in how a public have space you sought is something to incorporate I was fortunate your art to education, have access both to from because Scripps not and everyone just ingets yourthat. personal And life that into always your work? really excited What are me. some It gotartists me really in artinterested movements in that museum havework inspired actually, you? which I pursued for a short period VM: I love of time. art history. I was almost an Art History major. There Portland was is very a period artsy.in You mymeet life where artists all I was the time. I would obsessed withsay justit learning did help about me feel women confident artists in wanting to because I never be anlearned artist because about them the culture in school. there We is supportive just learnedofabout that endeavor, DaVinci and whereas Michelangelo my family—well and all my dad those “great at least—was geniuses.”always And I was kindalways of worried like, “What about that. I the about waswomen surrounded artists?” byI want othertopeople see people who that wereI excitedhave could thatbeen it waslike something or that I Icould was interested relate to inin.some way.

GH: SoI had as this you hunger progressed, to learnhow as much has as your I could art practice about women evolved? artists, What andsorts I made of mediums this painting have about you explored it actually.along It's based the way? off of The Academicians of the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

nly n so eople. terms two enjoy Iwomen think of going art not that back enough institutions wereand allowed people drawing like toare be galleries, taught aupon part art ms Academy, re and and to inspire itart can and education be your they like work? awere really programs. like Would powerful the How you first tooltwo has say to a ngagement theme in yourself history. asand well?

After with cope these them, with spaces forthings. a hundred evolved I was years, in like, the“I were oour might do no years? that. more beI want aWhat women. theme to be are This that a part some was I haven't ofquite particularly that.”aIbeen long also go, able us that but of.experiences Just it's still not ittalking irks something me. as about I either recreated that I want a patron painting that to do painting orIlongas was a etor ngthirty you thatabout, something have Iinformed canwomen see how your artists there's relationship throughout a through to ore. world? it was I think fun right to create now I'm antrying imaginary to move space away like atbeen and make really my transformative own art. Lastactually. semester, I think I felt trapped, been I lovemoments learning and I wanted where aboutI've more women been autonomy like, artists.

“Whyto They did doI anme. liberal thing.

Some arts Andofschool somythis favorites and semester, not are an instead art Artemisia school of schi, hat's off of Hilma the thefocus?” world af Klint, that I think Tamara someone thatdegood Lempicka, else art—I wrote, mean Frida I'm Amrita my really—is own Sher-Gil. informed worldI really or by I'mlike everything visualizing Art Nouveau else, my too. own youI that I mean hasjust natural in my elements studies inatit.aI feel liberal likearts Art au —like haslearning a lot of leaves, about and everything it's whereelse—has graphic se droots that the art come approach—to I make. from. I like explore that format how your of art world with AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I would say in terms of experiences, I've had AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA reat professors who have pushed me, who elieved in me more than I believed in myself, o called me out when I wasn't working as hard ld have.

My internship with the gallery was cool e Margalit [the gallery curator] organized a f speakers and she took all these people who ferent careers in the arts. They just told us heir careers and I was like, “Wow, there's so could do.” When I thought about art before— eers in art—I thought of limitation. But really it's ess possibilities with what you can do with art. ry inspired by that and like I had motivation to orward, so that internship was huge.

ong the same lines, can you speak a little on your involvement in the ARTstART m? What are the goals of the program and s it offered some clarity on what you want to in the art world?

TstART is really cool. I want to make art, but I o make art that has a larger purpose. It's like something bigger in some way and has a impact on people. I think one of the reasons I up for Project ARTstART was because it is a m that does that. It teaches kids through art, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

GH: work As assignment. withfar people It's asa your really that work much. incredible within I want opportunity gallery to workthat and withI museum AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA definitely would settings never goes, have howhad hasifexposure I hadn't gone to more to a of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA small thecollege arts like management this. I never and thought curation I wouldside have ofa things solo exhibition taught during you about college. artIt as was a really business? fun. I had Anda does little opening that experience night in which inform myyour friends thoughts came. about how you want to display your work for audiences?

GH: VM: You I'm still mentioned learning something about the that art business.

I want toI follow think up parton. ofAs meandoesn't art major wantwhere to learn art more is an assignment because it all of the sounds sotime, soul-sucking. do you ever I don't feel want a type to make of burnout— art for like a profit. you My can't grandma justjustmake paints and art has fornever pleasure sold sometimes? a painting. But How also, do you cope needwith to be that able feeling? to make VM:work. the It's aIt'sweird something dynamic I'm still because figuringon out. one side of things, ifInI don't termshave of curatorial direction, sometimes work I've done, I just don't I've make anything actually done aat lotall. of Icuratorial don't know projects what to thismake. past I have no year, which motivation. has been Butreally sometimes fun and when I think I have also an assignment, essential for artists.

I feel You really think uninspired. about when I think you make some professors the work, but give when good you assignments, display the work, someit's professors entirely don't, but the different.

Likekey every is taking little the detail, assignment you haveand to seeing think it as if you about every had way given something it to yourself, is displayed. if that makes It's going sense.

“What to affect would how the I have viewer done interprets if I had it. thought I learned of athis?” lot instead that way.of being like, “What is my professor looking for? What I actually fulfills had this thereally requirements great opportunity of this at assignment?” the beginning Itofcan thebe semester tricky. where I got to create my ownI exhibition definitely [called feel burnt Extensible out and ]. It was unmotivated so cool. sometimes.

This curator, Sometimes Julia Hong, I needshe's to takeaa breather student and at sometimes Graduate Claremont I just like toUniversity. do little tasks She that has full make reign me feel productive. over this curatorial Thenspace I'm like,at“Wow, MuddI'm called so productive!”

Sprague Then I get Gallery.

I saw hyped this and callI'mfor like,submissions “Oh, I can dofor thisstudent now.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GH: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Just to continue on talking about your exhibition a little bit. Can you talk a little bit about those in terms of what themes you wanted to explore with the work for those shows? What was it like sharing that responsibility as an artist, curator, installer, and publicist?

VM: It was great. It was like I only had half the work.

Julia was experienced in the part that she was doing and I had a vision for what I was doing, so it worked out. I love working with people.

GH: But not too many people. (Laughs) VM: Not too many people. Yes. I like working with a small group of people, maybe just one on one or maybe like a few others. I think doing that alone would've been a lot more intimidating and she really pulled through. She gave me the opportunity in the first place and then she made it amazing for me.

She's very kind and thoughtful.

GH: And so you're working on another spring senior showcase with the other art majors as well. What is it like taking on those roles with other people, like as students I suppose?

yle is or how they complement one another, perfect rall it's been notereally to end great. on. Can I thinkyou wedo were a little talking how or yourself, a lot of us when felt thrown is theinto senior it. There's showno ning? al class What requirements, is it called?so I think a lot of people flect/Refract “What am I opens gettingatmyself the end into?” of April But and I think ers ing are Maydoing 13th really at the well, Williamson and we'reGallery. a small so o opening I know all night. of them We’lland haveit's tacos. nice working with

am curious to know your thoughts about ver anxieties you feel about pursuing art rad. I'm curious to know what you're looking d to as well. e're always told that if you're an artist, you're starve to death. At this point, I've talked to people who are artists who have supported lves just fine, and I know I'm gonna be okay.I ant to be stuck in my parents' basement. I want this transition into a career to be fun and and I want to learn a lot. I'm worried I'll just otivation. I'm worried that it'll never happen have to do something else that I don't like and wish I had done art.

I think mostly I'm excited. I feel like this whole wing thing can be really exciting because when n't know what's going to come next, it could be ing really incredible. In my past, I feel like I've nd of negative about the future or haven’t left or that possibility of good things. Lots of good AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I was younger I ate lightning bugs When I say I wantWhen a body So that my heart would glow like an hourglass, I mean: a body that can What I know is good stop time, tell time, It is a white dress in spring, feel time.

Promising to love someone forever.

I want fingers like band-aids It is is the tear on my quilt so I can heal That mother any handmy that I hold.made in one sitting the other night Paidme express shipping wrap my naked body in winter Give a heart like a to stingray.

So I don’t have to put up warning signs It is my heart outgrowing my bones Beware: Touch gently, Just a little too quickly Or not at all.

Give me a stained glass tongue, Still there are lightning of red apple & golden knife.

Bugs in my heart, Sharpened, too.

From all those years ago, and Daisy birthmarks to remember my roots, Even now vocal cords like waterfalls that don’t freeze in the winter, and hair so soft it isItmistaken for a whisper. is not a waste to believe in light While we’re at it— honey melon lips birdcage ribs angel wing lungs.

And yes, last, feet that never forget where they’re from.

Isabel Evans:

upbringings. whose way of waythinking of In thinking the nearly and andfour understanding understanding years since, and she

come ncing the oneworld the of my world is kind closest isofkind different friends of different from here.the Isabel from norm is of a nperiencing Neurodivergence and double er m of that whatever is. majoring So it's that just inis.English the So it's natural just andthe variation Environmental naturalin the tion ns inon in the terms the population policy of how track. in we terms think.

She of how has we worked think. at the Young Adulthood

n Library all throughout college. Next year, she’ll ng d how to University has neurodivergence College London been to a part pursue of your her e’syour and in Library your experience experience Sciences, upby toup this with topoint? this thepoint? ultimate goal of Interview Gigi Hume uld ng say a special it's it's been beencollections aa pretty pretty large large books experience. experience. and archives II have and CD n. She and anxiety anxiety alsoand identifies and a a panic panic asattack attack a neurodivergent disorder. disorder. And y, cently, , I've which been I've been diagnosed has diagnosed fundamentally with, or with, I'mor in I'm the shaped in process the her of stions iagnosed of being withwith, diagnosed theOCPD, world which and with, isis OCPD, related the subject which to OCD. of is You our sation ve to both, OCD. below. but Youit can isn't have supposed both,tobut be itanisn't anxiety ed r; it's toabe personality an anxiety disorder, disorder; which it's acarries personality a lot more r,Basically, which carries they'reareally lot more closelystigma. related.Basically, really OCD closely is much related. more related to types of thoughts ompulsions, OCD is much whereas more related OCPD to is types much ofmore ts onism. and compulsions, It's also something whereas that's OCPD kindisofmuch central to erfectionism. nse of being yourself It's also something as opposedthat's to OCD kindinofwhich ngs to your thatsense you obsess of beingabout yourself oras have opposed compulsions to to which are the typically thingssomething that you obsess that's removed about or from ompulsions f. related to are typically something emoved Typically,from at yourself. least in my experience, you have ve Typically, thoughts at least about in my things experience, that distress you have you as ve d to thoughts OCPD, which aboutisthings more,that "I understand distress you myself as as ctionist d to OCPD, and aswhich someone is more, who wants "I understand to be perfect as o wants a perfectionist to be in control." and as That's someone my who understanding. wants erfect We always and who tell the wants story toinbe my infamily control." of when That'sI was ergarten. erstanding.

We had colorful carpets with different sWe and always everybody tell the had storytheir in myown familysquare. of whenSo I the kindergarten. who was sitting Wenext had to colorful me incarpets my square with kept, ching t squares onto my and square everybody and he had was picking their own his nose, on Somy the square. person who was sitting next to me in are It made kept, me encroaching very uncomfortable—the onto my square and fact he that he my kingsquare, his nose,and wiping then onalso my square. his boogers were in my ItSo,made I made me a color very code uncomfortable—the schedule of when fact he was was to beininmy mysquare, squareand and then then also whenhis the boogers square was e.my Sosquare.

I was willing So, I made to compromise. a color codeI thought scheduleI was nncredibly he was allowed adaptable, to be and in myI square presented and then it to my rhe and square she tore wasit up. all mine.

I knowSo there I was waswilling very much to a omise. e—that Ishe thought was trying I was to show being me incredibly that I can't ble, be in and control.

I presented But I have it toalways my teacher beenand this she way and up. nd Iofknow very there muchwas connected very much to who a purpose— I am and who ays e was been. trying to show me that I can't always be ol. But I have always been this way and so it's uvery already muchstarted connected to answer to whothis, I am but and how who do you ays OCD? been.

And you talk about how it's manifested in ve thoughts and perfectionism. Has it usted already in any started other ways to answer that you this,can butmaybe how dospeak efine OCD? And you talk about how it's sted me, OCDinis a obsessive balance between thoughts having obsessive and ts ionism. and then Has ithaving manifested compulsions in any other that respond ways to uughts. can maybe You keep speak ruminating on? over and over again something me, OCDthat's is abothering balance you between and then having you have ve ulsion, thoughts like something and then thathaving you do.compulsions Usually it can be spond l, but ittocan the also thoughts. be aYou mental keep compulsion ruminating with AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ing you go over and over again to respond to that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ve thought. My OCD used to be a lot more sion-dominated.

In early high school, I very much said things had to heir place. I had to make sure everything was in People had to sit at the same place at the dinner had to have my toothbrush in the same spot. It was uch about compulsions, and recently it’s that I have more obsessive thoughts and fewer compulsions.

So my experience of OCD has kind of shifted over pecifically for me, I have the classic contamination where anything that is considered, you know, minated”—this abstract idea of “germy” like I need to my hands. I feel deeply uncomfortable with not g my hands after I touch or have anything to do ything that I perceive as contaminated.

I have lots of kind of planning and prepping and ng that and that really comes up in school a lot. I way I do things. I have to do it the same way.

We talked about some of the struggles of ivergence. How do you view neurodivergence as et in your everyday life? And maybe could you d on how it's presented some challenges in the at you move through the world and how people d to you? ause my OCD has been kind of very much tied up ho I am since I can remember, I oftentimes see the hat I love about myself as hard to separate from D in a way. In particular, I'm a really passionate When I'm excited about something, I am excited something. I'm all in. I've done all the research. I e thinking about it and continue researching it.

I think that having OCD has allowed me to be ate and present in what I love. I also think that, I say it, but sometimes I think that OCD has helped me a good student because that is something that I o deeply about. It enables me to just basically e that above all else, which is not always a good hink that it has allowed me to really focus on giving everything academic in certain points in my life. It a lot of strengths for me as someone who's a t.

That being said, there's also a lot of deficits, which just realizing—focusing so much on wanting to be I was in this phase where I needed to ask for an on if I wasn't happy with the paper I was turning in e I wanted it to be perfect before I could turn it in. elps in some ways academically and then there's a deficit to it in others.

w do people respond to you saying that you have

k it changed depending upon the space I was in. So 5Cs, it’s a very normalized thing to talk about your health, and I could probably count on my hand the r of people who I am close with who don't struggle me sort of mental condition. I think in that kind of and since coming to college, it's been very much a, ave OCD? OMG me too!” There's a lot more hy and sympathy.

When I was in high school, it was not something I about. I played volleyball in high school, so I ed five days a week and I had to leave early when I erapy appointments every two weeks. I always said doctor's appointment. I was never specific about was treating. It seemed like something physical—like h condition that I was trying to treat. It wasn't as r was more acceptable than something mental.

I think that that kind of openness has people ding with a level of empathy has been something I xperienced more recently. I'm not sure if that's just to the people who go here and a level of openness thenticity or if that's related to changing dynamics s acceptable to talk about.

here seems to be this phenomenon where ivergence in young women specifically is ked or that we can better mask it. Do you think ve had to practice any type of masking? What did ok like? question. I think for me, it's this trying to contain and ss any outward expression that I am feeling deeply ortable or anxious about a situation. At the same e worked so hard to be much more transparent ave conversations with people about my mental There's this feeling that if I talk about that or if I talk something that's hard for me, or if I ask for an modation in this situation, that I'm a burden and m making things hard for other people. I think that hings like trying to control how I appear outwardly in ld—I think this is how I have masked in the past.

And there's so much more tumult inside when not letting yourself express outwardly. So that was gh school.

u talked about having to kind of repress your sions, and as I know you, you're a very passionate, t person. I feel like I've had some experiences I've tried to be passionate and expressive as well elt kind of shut down by other people. Is that hing you've also had to deal with? Maybe that can d of a form of masking—having to repress that n in yourself? nk so. My interests didn't necessarily align with the n interests in high school in particular. I couldn't talk what I was passionate about or I didn't really have to talk to. There weren't people who I could talk what I was passionate about. And, I really like what other people are passionate about. Even if not the same thing that makes me really happy—a sation with somebody who's really passionate something. That's something that I find incredibly g in a professor and great in a friend. So I think I be as expressive or I wouldn't let myself be as ive. Then, I had to feign interest in things that other were interested in at the same time.

I think I've put in a lot more work since high school, hink that contributed to me having a harder time cause I couldn't be the full version of myself. Or I felt uldn't.

hink this segues nicely into this next question. Do hink your experience with neurodivergence d your relationship to these so-called “rites of e” that come with being a teenager and a young If so, how? nk a lot of the classic teenager coming of age nts were things that didn't feel accessible to me. I eply uncomfortable with school dances. I went to a hated them. Partially, it was because the school at my high school had so many people and such roximity. You just had all these people’s sweat on d I hated that.

I couldn't do parties. It was just too much tion and too much physical contact and too many in one space. I think that knowing some of the hat I want to participate in the future. For example, o go backpacking at some point because I really like ve been working really hard to be able to challenge houghts and to prepare myself for that situation. I ome to be much more comfortable in large social like parties. Even though I definitely need to go sit in m and be quiet afterwards. That's also an introvert ction too.

s a part of this journey, you have had some nce navigating mental health resources like y. What have been some ups and downs of that s and how has your work in therapy allowed you new perspectives on your neuro divergence? n't know what I would do without therapy. I've been apy since I was 14 and I've had two different sts. It's been very much something that has really me be able to identify and understand when a t that I have is not me talking necessarily, it's the brain. It's the anxiety brain. It's a cognitive on.Then, being able to have strategies to know that thinking logically here. I know that I am focusing on gative or that I am doing all or nothing thinking, and ble to label it and then say it.

What is true about this thought? What's not true this thought? What would a wise friend tell me? are the kind of strategies that my therapist has me, like what advice would I give to another person situation? I think through strategies that I can go h in the moment and apply them to when I'm a hard time, especially in the way that I think, but hings like breathing exercises.

I think that therapy has been really, really essential. able to put in that work has made an enormous ce in terms of how I'm able to go through the world omfort and ease and be able to respond to a m that I'm having internally and then move on with

think a combination with medication has also really You have to have a combination of different es to manage it.

being here at the 5C's, I think you and I would that there have been many efforts to work s more equitable and inclusive environments and outside the classroom. Have you been able to ther students/professors that have created that are inclusive of neurodivergence? What hose spaces looked like? Where do you see room rovement on campus? nk spaces in which professors allow a flexibility in of students being able to do and learn in a way that ow works for them and not having to kind of forcibly hemselves and their learning style to fit whatever that professor decides is how we're going to learn we're going to assess our learning. I think having ments with kind of flexible options in terms of being o make a decision about how you want to strate your mastery of the material or being able to in a way that makes sense to you. you have any final thoughts or words you would share with other neurodivergent people out

brain is beautiful the way that it is. That doesn't hat there aren't ways or strategies you can come

with who mental compulsion don't struggle with something with some you sort go of over mental and over again to respond condition.

I think intothat that kind obsessive of space thought. and My since OCD used to be coming to a college, lot more it'scompulsion-dominated. been very much a, “You have OCD? OMG In early mehigh too!”school, There'sI very a lotmuch more said empathy thingsand had to be in their place. I had to make sure everything was in sympathy. order. People When had I was to sitinathigh the same school, place it at was thenot dinner table. I hadI to something talked haveabout. my toothbrush I played volleyball in the same in high spot. It was very school, somuch I practiced about five compulsions, days a week and recently and I had it’sto that I have early leave much when more I hadobsessive therapy appointments thoughts and every fewer compulsions. two weeks. I always said I had a doctor's appointment.

So my Iexperience was neverofspecific OCD has about kindwhat of shifted I wasover time. Specifically treating.

It seemed for me, likeI have something the classic physical—like contamination a OCD where health condition anything that I was that trying is considered, to treat. It wasn't you as know, “contaminated”—this scary or was moreabstract acceptable idea of than “germy” something like I need to wash my hands. I feel deeply uncomfortable with not mental. washingI think my hands that that afterkind I touch of openness or have has anything people to do with anythingwith responding that Iaperceive level of as contaminated. empathy has been something I have I have lots experienced of kind of planning more recently. and prepping I'm notand overdoing sure if that's that just and related that really to thecomes peopleupwho in school go here a lot. I haveaalevel and way Iof doopenness things. I have andto authenticity do it the same or ifway. that's related to changing dynamics in what’s acceptable to GH: talkWe about. talked about some of the struggles of neurodivergence. How do you view neurodivergence as an asset GH: Therein seems your everyday to be this life? phenomenon And maybe where could you expand on how it's neurodivergence in presented young women some specifically challenges in is the way that you overlooked ormove that we through can better the world mask and it. how Do you people think respond you to you? have had to practice any type of IE: Because masking?

What my OCD did that has look beenlike? kind of very much tied up with IE: Big who question.

I am since I think I can for me, remember, it's this trying I oftentimes to contain see the thingssuppress and that I loveany about outward myselfexpression as hard to separate that I amfrom my OCD feeling deeply in a way. uncomfortable In particular,orI'm anxious a reallyabout passionate a person. When situation.

At theI'm same excited time, about I've worked something, so hard I am toexcited be about something. much more transparent I'm all in.and I've have done all conversations the research. I continue with people thinking about about myitmental and continue health.researching There's this it. feeling Ithat thinkif that I talkhaving aboutOCD thathas or ifallowed I talk me about to be passionate and something that'spresent hard for in what me, I or love. if I also ask think for an that, I hate to say it, but in accommodation sometimes this situation, I thinkthat thatI'm OCD a burden has helped makethat and me a I'm good making student things because hard for thatother is something people. Ithat I carethat think so deeply doing things about. like It enables trying to mecontrol to justhow basically I prioritizeoutwardly appear that aboveinall the else, world—I whichthink is notthis always is how a good I thing.masked have I think that in theitpast. has allowed me to really focus on giving 110% And to there's everything so much academic moreintumult certaininside points in my life.you're when It poses not letting a lot of yourself strengths express for outwardly. me as someone So who'swas that a student. me in high school.

That being said, there's also a lot of deficits, which GH: I'm only Youjust talked realizing—focusing about having to sokind much of on repress wanting your to be expressions, perfect. I was and in thisas phase I know where you, I needed you'retoaask very for an passionate, extension if I earnest wasn't happy person. with I feel thelike paper I'veI was had some turning in experiences because I wanted whereit to I'vebetried perfect to be before passionate I could turn andit in. expressive So it helps inas some wellways and Iacademically felt kind of and shutthen down there's by a other seriouspeople. deficit to Is itthat in others. something you've also had to deal with? Maybe that can be kind of a form of GH: How do people masking—having to respond represstothat you saying passion thatinyou have OCD? yourself?

IE: I think so. it changed My interests depending didn't necessarily upon the space align with I was in.

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who it andI could then say talkit.about what I was passionate And, What I really is true likeabout hearing thiswhat thought? otherWhat's people are not out ate about. this thought?

Even if they're What would not the a same wise friend thing ?akes These meare really thehappy—a kind of strategies conversation thatwith my ody st has who's taught really me, passionate like what advice aboutwould something.

I give something her personthat in this I find situation? incredibly I think inspiring through in a or esand thatgreat I caningoa through friend. SoinI the thinkmoment I couldn'tand be hem essive toor when I wouldn't I'm having let myself a hard betime, as expressive. especially way had that toI think, feign but interest also ininthings things likethat breathing other es. were interested in at the same time.

I think think I've thatput therapy in a lothas more been workreally, sincereally high al. but Being I think able that to put contributed in that work to has me made havingan a ous timedifference then because in terms I couldn't of how be I'm the able full version to go elf. h the Or I world felt likewith I couldn't. comfort and ease and be o respond to a problem that I'm having ly ink and thisthen segues move nicely on with intomy this life.next question. think thinkayour combination experience with with medication neurodivergence has also d elped. your You relationship have to to have these a so-called combination “rites of age” t strategies that come to manage with being it. a teenager and a adult? If so, how? nkbeing a lot of here the at classic the teenager 5C's, I think coming youof and ageI nts agree were that things therethat have didn't beenfeel many accessible efforts to as towards deeply uncomfortable more equitable with school and inclusive dances. I nments a few. I inside hated them. and outside Partially,the it was classroom. because you ool dances been able at myto high find school other hadstudents/ so many sors and that such have close created proximity.spaces You justthat hadare all eople’s e of neurodivergence? sweat on you, and What I hated have that. those I looked couldn'tlike? do Where parties. do It was you just see too room much for tion ement and ontoo campus? much physical contact and too nk eople spaces in one in which space.professors I think thatallow knowing a flexibility some shings of students that I want being toable participate to do and in the learn future. in a at mple, theyI know want works to go backpacking for them andat not some having point to eforcibly I reallymold like hiking. themselves I've been and working their learning really fit bewhatever able to challenge model that those professor thoughts decides and to is ee're myself going forto that learn situation. or how I have we're come going to be to more our learning. comfortable I thinkinhaving large assignments social spaceswith like flexible Even though optionsIindefinitely terms ofneed beingtoable go sit to make in my and on about be quiet how you afterwards. want to demonstrate That's alsoyour an yt intersection of the material too.or being able to engage in a at makes sense to you. a part of this journey, you have had some nce younavigating have any final mental thoughts health resources or words you like y.like What to have sharebeen withsome other upsneurodivergent and downs of rocess out there? and how has your work in therapy dr brain you to is form beautiful newthe perspectives way that iton is. your That divergence? mean that there aren't ways or strategies n't n come know up what with, I would and make do without it so that therapy. you are I've natherapy way that since is your I was best14life. and ButI've youhad are two not and t therapists. you are enough.

It's been very much something as really helped me be able to identify and tand when a thought that I have is not me necessarily, it's the OCD brain. It's the anxiety t's a cognitive distortion.Then, being able to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fiction: The Thing in the Back Seat the is She Santiam in the passenger when they seat, were wrists younger—but crossed loosely he across her wanted herstomach. to leave Her so he lilaclied braand strap said peeks that out his from left flight beneath early in herthehair, morning. and her On eyelashes their way out, are coatedLauren when in so saw much thesticky Rudolph blackfigurines mascara thatthat, his James thinks, mother hadn’tthey packed look away like spiders. in bubble He looks wrap in yet, the rearview she told him mirror, thatcatches her birthday a glimpse was on of something Christmas pink, “When Eve. with beady I was yellow little,cat I thought eyes. “I that love this all of song, the” says Lauren, Christmas lights reaching wereforward just fortomy turn birthday! the volume My dial right. mom let me “It makes believe me it, feel too,like isn’t I’mthat in afunny?” movie.” He’s She told her was always not offering to touch upthe littleradio pieces before, of herself but she like alwaysacting that, does. She like they is conveniently were especially forgetfulfunny like that, or he often thinks. interesting.

Earlier, The reason in hisJames room, she likeshad Lauren, donehethe thinks, same is thing. Hershe because fingers, reminds fingernails him ofpainted high school. tan and Theywhite had to lookinlike been thereal same nails, grade flitted at South over his Bend desk,High, touching even his dog-eared though they hadn’t copy of ever Dune talked and during his chemistry school. textbookalways Lauren and the declares smooththat green she rock remembers that he got him, at Neskowin but he knows Beachshe in 7th doesn’t. grade.He Sheremembers looked at each her, thing like it was though—she would the most arrive important a few minutes and interesting late to thing she class every had morning ever seen, withreally a Red studying Bull slushie it. in a tall plastic cup “Have and youher been car here?” keys jangling she asked, loudly, fingers and pressed there were against rumors the that Grand sheCanyon had aposter 23 year-old taped to his wall,who boyfriend as if was she had a cook to touch at Cesario’s. it for it to be real.

Now, “No,” James he responded. is driving “Got her home it out inof his a magazine.” mom’s Volvo, along the unlit road lined with Oregon firs where “I want he used to travel, to drive ” she really saidfast suddenly, on the almost way to urgently. school to make “To, like, hisThailand sister scream. or something.

He keeps trying Did you to knowinthat look theyou rearview can’t even mirror, kiss but in public it’s dark there?” and the road is winding “No, I didn’t.” so he can’t look for too long. What is that thing?

“Or to Its Paris! breathIt’s smells reallysulfuric, romantic.” but also Her a finger little flitted over sweet, like patchouli. the t-shirts and hoodies in his closet.

“This is “You excited a nicetoshirt, go” back she said, to school?” rubbing she the sleeve of the blue button-up he wore to graduation asks. and his he Chatty, grandfather’s thinks. “Yeah, funeral. definitely.

Finally, So she fucking sat ready down next to beto back himinon California.” the bed. He cupped the back of her neck with “I almost his hand applied and to kissed Chicoher.

State, Sheyou wasn’t know. a great kisser, mouth Remember Mrs. Stanton? sort of small Whoand taught tongue bio? kind She of tense.there.” went He pulled her t-shirt over her head, ran his hands over “God,her yeah. bra She with was cups such that didn't a bitch.” quite Mrs. fit her small Stanton used breasts. to brush “I love her teeth kissing in class you,” and shewrote said, smiling, aafew James letter strands of recommendation, of hair caught in even her mouth. though he had never After she raised gave his hand him head, muchhe in class. told her that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA The thing in the back seat huffs, warm spittle A misting the back of James’s neck.

“She was my favorite teacher I ever had.

And she was so smart, you know? She knew everything. And she always talked so much about Chico.”

“You get rejected?” Didn’t Chico accept everyone? thought James.

“No, I didn’t end up sending in my application. I’m going to try to transfer there, though.” She says the second part a little quieter, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A

rever.”

A long silence stretches between them, ng onlyinby the a Katy backPerry shiftssong around, on the scrabbling radio and a n sesthe coming grayfrom leather. the thing James in thelooks backseat. in the It w that mirror as Lauren again grows to seequieter, its lemon-colored looking out aring dow with at him. a tense set to her jaw, the thing in “Hey, k set grows isn’t Chico angrier, near grows Berkeley? bigger,We has could to be ch atother the mouth. next year!” She seems excited by They ning towards are close himtoin Lauren’s her seat. house The thing now, in kthrough snorts, like a a quiet warning. residential area on the de “Maybe, of town ” James wheresays, mostevasively. of the houses “Colleges are d pretty long, with strict little about scrubby guests plants staying shoving in the up hthough.” the spiderweb He only cracks feelsinathe little concrete. bad about The htt. comes It isn’t technically from the hazy untrue, circles and of yellow it’s notcast like yws the any streetlamps, better. and the neon glow of TVs thin The white thing curtains. in the back huffs again, and he ar “I don’t it pacing want along to leave the back thingsrow likeof this, seats. ” James The nd patchouli smell thickens. James feels a lightheaded.

What he really doesn’t want is to be left with “Fuck, whatever I didn’t is know in the that, back ” she seat. says.

The“At thing least is ng ve and calling roiling andand texting. screeching, And you’ll breathing be back up or se Spring

by James’s Break, ear, right?” gloppy She says bits of thisspittle part nsistently, g onto hisstaring shoulder. at him James as hecan looks tellathow the He is, and imagines he thinks herthat clocking it mightinbeata little Macy’s bit ow, too,telling eager her tocoworkers get James about alone. him.

He feels a anic “I’m set not in as sure. she I’m undoes just her gonna seatbelt, be grabs really eatshirt ed with work from this down semester.” by her feet, and gets out car. ces Lauren forward,doesn’t tugging sayon anything, a stringjust bracelet shuts sea door turtle and charm walks around around herthe wrist. side Theofthing her since back her seat family is really is onemoving of thosearound households now, on’t back and ever forth use and their probably front leaving door. James marks es eats. a moment Lauren still before doesn’t he twists notice around it, just fiddles in his rfinally, bracelet. look at the thing.

“I think It’s huge, it’staking probably up almost best ifthe weentire keep row things of crouched he ventures. on four legs. Its hunched back “Do up against you have theaDVD girlfriend playerat on school?” the ceiling. she In ny, a James clipped thinks voice that that it’s he’s probably nevera heard bright color, but in the shadowy interior of his esn’t Volvo,have it’s more a girlfriend of a deep at maroon.

Berkeley,The butthing the at ong, he’swet hooked nose up with with viscous definitely snotaren’t dripping like —instead, nostrils and they hundreds wear vintage of tiny,cowgirl toothpick-like boots -natural hat James deodorant can seeand through like toitsargue growl.about They es—it Thehas thing three, is growling all of them now,bright punctuated yellow with rviolent a pupil. snarls.

They are watery and pink around ges, “What?” like the thing has been crying. Lauren is “Or isappeared do you just inside not like herme?” house now, and the the “Of street coursestands I like you, dark” says and empty, James,waiting. being areful and tothe keep thing his voice stare neutral. at each other a nt “You longer, like me all ofenough its eyesto blinking fuck me, at the notsame date uren en, the says, thing stilllunges staringforward. straight ahead.

Afterwards, sing the voice it that slips he outimagines of the she car, uses and Lauren’s acy’s customers path around who thewant side of tothe return house.a t without a receipt, or test all of the little of face cream without buying them. The the back is really huffing and snarling now, g up against the back of James’s right arm AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Heard Around Claremont -Honnold-Mudd Library -Mconnell Dining Hall Mudd Library -Outside tofu guy” line” – Frary of - should Mallot -Oldenborg Dining Pitzer - Mudd Tofu beDorm Hall scared Dorm lineBalcony or Couch turned on.”

—Frank Dining Hall

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