Parenting Adult Children

Written by Paulette Lee

My 26-year-old grandson recently came to live with me after going through a relationship breakup. He was lost and needed stability and a safe place to regroup and get back on his feet, both emotionally and financially. In turn, I felt I could benefit from the company of a grandchild with whom I’d always been close, though we’d been apart for the past few years. After a couple of months, though, it was clear it wouldn’t work out, and I asked him to leave. He got what he needed (and was very appreciative), but I didn’t get what I needed.

Parenting or grandparenting an adult is a challenge. Some of it is our ages, some of it generational differences, some of it circumstantial difficulties, some of it is historical baggage, but the upshot is we had different expectations of what the relationship and situation would be.

In her article, “Anyone Out There Parenting Adult Children?”, as reprinted in “The Ethel”, AARP’s weekly newsletter for older women, one family therapist is quoted as saying, “These relationships come in so many flavors, there can’t be a common formula. … Parenting adult children challenges us to tolerate, even welcome, a delicious tension between yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s evolution of what it means to be in a family.” Another therapist encourages practicing “thoughtful parenting”, which focuses on “robust dialogue and a sensitivity to the challenges our adult children (including grands) face.” The problem with this approach, I found, is that in order for it to be effective, both sides have to have empathy. My 26-yearold grand paid lip service to it, but in practice, not so much. I think when you’re 26, it’s hard to realize your grandparent is a person with needs and feelings, too; and when you’re 76, it’s hard to let go of the behavioral standards you’ve long held.

Nearly a third of Americans from 18-to-25 live at home with their parents or other relatives, including, increasingly, their grandparents. Generations United – a nonprofit based in Washington, D.C. – takes a positive view of what it terms “skipped generations”:

“Grandchildren and grandparents have their own discrete needs. The grandchildren, still in school or in low-paying, entry-level jobs, are looking for deeply affordable housing with very tolerant landlords. The grandparents …may be contending with decreased mobility, health challenges and isolation… Both sides of the age divide come to the table armed with their own skill sets. The grandchildren can de-mystify (technology). In turn, their grandparents can share family lore and recipes, give the grandchildren a sense of their roots — and a sense of perspective.”

My grandson and I did do some of that, but his need to fly was greater than my need to tether him to his roots. Sad though that made me, I know that’s the way it should be.

Paulette Lee is a former award-winning broadcast journalist and retired marketing and public relations consultant. She lives in Hagerstown, MD and is the host of the podcast, “WomanWorthy: Real Talk About Real Issues for Women Over 60” online at womanworthy.podbean.com, or on most podcast apps.