Volume 23 Issue 1 - Quarantine Part III - A Modularized Life

The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine

Volume 23, Issue 1 Quarantine Part III: A Modularized Life Spring 2021

Head Writer Jared Jageler ​‘​ ​22

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Autumn Campbell ​‘​ ​21 Lidija Namike ‘21

Managing Editor *Kirk Lobban ‘​ ​ ​21

Head of production Niko Bjork ‘22

STAFF Finn Odum ​‘​ ​21

Ethan shaw ​‘​ ​21

Kate Sibila ‘21

Sophia Vischer ‘22

Amanda Gonzales ‘24

Lucas Martin ‘24

Ramla Muhudiin ‘24

Corgan Archuleta ‘24

Will Nicholson ‘24

Alice Bjorneberg ‘24

Dan Bially Levy ‘24

Youssef Aithmad ‘24

Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24

Coat Rack ‘99

* On Sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS

Covid swab tests, for the intimacy and special brain tingles Class of 2023, There may be a reason none of you are in hege. Keep it that way. ​jk ​;) Class of 2024, The saviors of the hegemonocle and our chance at longevity

The Macalester administration, for burning all of the senior activity fund money The biden Administration, for trusting science Not The biden administration, for the border “shelters” Jonathan Gershberg, The only person to sign up for Hege at its first ever Org Fair (He received a brussel sprout)

Founders ​: Mikey Freedman ‘​ 1​ 1 and Danny Rocklin ‘​ 1​ 1 characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

Follow us on instagram and twitter​: @hegemonocle email: ​Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu

From the creators of Instagram Weight Loss Tummy Tea Powders comes the newest streaming service/bi-annual-yearly-monthly subscription box/pyramid scheme/ Multilevel Marketing Organization,

“Modularize your life!”

Have you been adoring the new module system at Macalester College? Do you wish other aspects of your existence could be split into poorly conceived, planned, and executed parts? Are you asking yourself, “Why do I have so much free-time and good mental health?” In that case, a subscription to “Modularize your life!” may be right for you.

We offer top-of-the line bisection services, sure to turn any part of your life into a rollercoaster ride that is both excitingly fast-paced and mind-numbingly mundane!

You love your Twin XL dorm bed, but recently you’ve been feeling a little too comfortable. Yes, that bed is definitely too big. Fear not! The professionals at “Modularize your life!” will solve that dilemma by slicing it in half (modularizing it, if you will). Module 1 of the bed stays in the dorm, while Module 2 will be donated to a needy family of squirrels. A perfect solution for an overly healthy lifestyle!

What’s that now? Is that old boyfriend of yours, Geoffrey, not waxing your skids like he used to? Not to worry, this is a walk in the park for our independent contractors at “Modularize your life!”.

Watch as your relationship is dismembered into two convenient pieces! Meet Module 3, a.k.a… Sexy Geoffrey, the warm-body you need for those cold Spring nights during Corona Cuffing Season.

For Module 4, Sugar Geoffrey will barter his goods and services in exchange for currency which he will then lavish upon you in the form of CashApp payments and Mac Money for all the chicken tendies and slimy honey mustard you could ask for.

Got that one Netflix show you love? Modularized! Now enjoy double the filler episodes, played at 2x speed! Hate to shower? Don’t! Just modularize it. Scrub the left side of your stinky body with Clorox wipes and the right side with astronaut shampoo. Spring break too long? We’ll modularize it into random days throughout the semester!

You can have a free trial of “Modularize your life!” for two one week quiet periods.

Order today for the low, low price of $70,000!

Written by Jared Jageler

The Maque Weekle Mac alum engineers chicken breed to produce more drumsticks - pg 9

21 Butter poems - pg. 8

Follow @Hegemonocle on Twitter

The Ugly Truth

by Clarissa “hard-hitting questions” Spagnola and Kaleb “not racist because he donates to the ACLU” O’Neil The time for silence is over. The time for the truth is now. With something this monumental, this groundbreaking, silence is as bad as complacency. I entered Macalester hoping to pursue a career in journalism so that I could help bring truth to power, but I wasn’t ready for what I would uncover not even two years into my education. And yet, as all journalists do, I must give the people the unbiased facts no matter what the consequences may be.

It all started when the two-week marker finally rolled around, and we went off to our second Covid test in the LC. I stood in line with my friend and fellow aspiring journalist as our fellow students had the snot dragged out of their noses. When it was my turn in line I awkwardly held my mask down over my mouth and penetrated my nose with the Q-tip, jabbing it deeper and deeper into my nostril.

While in the midst of my ritual, I noticed a gangly man in a large, hooded coat standing off to the side.

At first, I paid him no mind, as it was quite frigid that day, and most people were wearing large coats, but as the procedure went on, I became increasingly suspicious. As I inserted the Q-tip back into the collection tube, stringy mucus sticking to the edges like mozzarella to a pizza box, I noticed the man in the coat disappearing behind the tables that held the sample. I hadn’t noticed him approach, but he moved lithely, like a minxy little cat.

As I waited for my partner to finish their test, I kept an eye on the man. Just when he thought that no one was looking, he crawled from beneath the table and made a beeline for the door. Held in his arms were the tubes of viscous mucus samples, harvested from our noses minutes before.

He quickly vanished out of sight, but not before I got a glimpse of his face. He had stylish glasses covering bright blue eyes and an appetizing little grey beard. I recognized the face, but I couldn’t quite place it. Was he in Rocky Horror last year? I was sure I had seen him around campus. Once my partner finished their test, I motioned for them to follow me. We inconspicuously sprinted to the door and burst out into the cold Minnesota air.

At first, it looked like we had lost him, but as we scanned the campus, we noticed a figure slipping into Olin Rice. We had to manage classes and homework to maintain our 4.0 GPAs, but that night, we rushed to OlRi for a good ol’ stake-out.

Illicit shenanigans happening in OlRi didn’t surprise me, but, a week ago, if you had asked me what those bio majors did in there at 3 am, my answer would have been something like “recreating jurassic park” or “rolly-chair drag racing”, not… whatever this was. We crouched in the thicket

by the humanities building, huddled together to stay warm. Why would someone gather our boogers? Maybe one of the PoliSci students had finally gone mask off about their plans for world domination. Was this the beginning of the end?

An infinite amount of time passed.

My partner checked their phone.

It had been ten minutes.

Just as we started to lose hope, somebody stepped out of the building.

We held our breath. As the figure stepped under a streetlamp, a shock even greater than that I felt when the football team won a game last year immobilized me.

The person outside, they were - it was - me?

Continued on page 14

A peak into Finn's e-mails To: Stan Boswell From: Finn Odum Subject: Office Stuff Hey Dr. Boswell, I came into the office yesterday and noticed you’d left some...stuff out on the front desk. I don’t want to sound accusatory or anything, but you’re the only person who comes in on Wednesdays besides me. If you could move these objects sometime soon, that’d be great. Otherwise I’ll have to move them myself. Stay safe!

Thanks a bunch, Finn.

To: Chadwick Carpenter, PhD From: Finnegan Odum, Bad Bitch Subject: what’s good fuckwad Chad, you fucking donkey, Why are your first years telling me that you made them watch Shrek Forever After as an example of the hero’s journey? I can’t believe I spent three years eagerly listening to you go on about the erotic significance of Remy’s control of Linguine in Ratatoullie, just for you to go and betray me like this. You know that Shrek 2 is and will always be the perfect example of the hero’s tragic journey into greed and materialism!

I can’t believe you’ve done this, Finn

To: Finn From: Darren Claus Subject: Where’s your capstone?

Finn, How’s it going? I’ve noticed you haven’t given me any updates about your senior capstone. The last email you sent me was titled “AHHHHHHHH”, and the only thing attached was a picture of a snake in your shower.

Is this a cry for help? Do you actually have snakes in your shower? I’m worried. See the attached link to Health and Wellness’ Counseling services.

Cheers, - Prof. Claus

To: Finn Odum From: Chadwick Carpenter, PhD Re: what's good fuckwad Hey Finn, Thank you for your kind words. I must agree with your assessment of my mistakes. As you know, I wrote about Fairy Godmother’s performance of I Need a Hero in my dissertation, Bad Bitches and Green Grinches: Exploring Animation’s Dark Desire for Sexy Villains. However, while I do agree that Shrek 2 is the superior film, Shrek Forever After attempts to ignore the birth of the ogre triplets, who as you’re well aware, are a near irreversible disgrace to my holy shrine of cinema and the whole film canon.

Have a good day, Chad.

To: Darren Claus From: Finn Odum Re: Where's your capstone?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-Finn

To: Stan Boswell From: Finn Re: Office Stuff Stan, Please come pick up your stuff. I had to look the department chair in the eye and explain to her why someone had left out limited edition copies of “Squirrels Gone Wild, Part 2: Two many nuts” and “Fursuits and You: One Step Closer to Achieving ZooTopia Utopia”. They’re currently sitting on top of the Onesies bin and will be turned into half-sheets of paper to scar first years with.

This is the last time I’m taking the fall for you, Finn

send

I enter the artificially heated Super Target™. The vastness is frightening. I have come for one item only, but now I fear of being lost among those who do not know my true identity. Why am I here? What is calling for me?

The crackling sound of the PA system announces all too loud, but all too softly:

I felt as if I would never be able to accomplish anything in such a short amount of time, but I had to. I must. As I carefully navigated the aisles, I stopped myself from lingering among the cheesy snacks and the water bottles that did not hail from the bubbler.

“I can’t believe I’m here.” I grumbled under my breath. Why did the Macalester’s Cooking and Eating Club (a wonderful uprising club btw) send me on this errand? Normally there are a mountain of other volunteers, but they trusted me. Mistake number 1. I don’t even know how to cook anything nor do I understand how to navigate a Super Target at that.

Go with your heart! You’ll ​know ​what to get!

My heart? It’s cold and empty. The unfamiliarity of being in a Minnesotan store. It isn’t the same. Will never be the same, but I forge ahead. The clock has ticked away and I stand before it. The chill seeps into my bones as I am reminded of them. The glorious wall that looks ahead of me is the Dairy aisles.

My Wisconsin blood curdles at the sight of the Milk. I don’t even like Milk. It’s bland and flavorless and upsets my sensitive little tummy, but I stand here. Do I miss home? No, but do I stand superior as I know that the Dairy State has the best dairy? Yes. We have the power. Californians may claim they have the best dairy, but all they have running for them is their sheer size and those losers can’t even make their own water. It’s in Wisconsinites’ white, milky ​blood. ​We are made and bred for Milk and cheese. I can stand at a grille cooking some good beer brats and local beef burgers, but nothing will complete this

moment unless I have some good ol’ Wisconsin Cheddar cheese. “​AMANDA~​” Udders the chill as I open the door.

“No. I don’t want you. I’m doing what I need to do,” I grumbled as I pursued the large selection. “​You hate us? Oh, what a shame.​” Whispers a moist, silky voice in my ear.

I snapped to the side, no one was there. I turned back to the freezer, but what was standing before me was a body made of dairy, or I should say, a remotely human blob of milk. I looked in terror as I was dragged into the fridge. Trapped. “​You’re one of us, but you need to release your inner hatred.​” “Get the hell off of me! I don’t need you! I am ​more than you!” I snapped as I felt the cool liquid grasp on my broad shoulders. “​Are you? You left us in Wisconsin. You didn’t even udder a good bye.

What am I to you?​” “Nothing,” I growled as I splashed out of their grip. “I never liked you. I never ​will like you.

What good are you? A drink that’s so thick that I can barely speak after sip? A drink that cannot withstand the warmth longer than a few minutes? People only ​love you for your by-products. They don’t care for your true self and neither will I.” I finished as I turned away from them. I was trapped in their freezer, but the cold didn’t seep into my bones. “​What h ​ arsh words, Amanda,​” they murmured in thought.

They carefully walked around me, the sloshing sounding like the cartons of milk I would shake before pouring a healthy helping into my tea. It reminds me of the sugary sweet cereal that would allow me to guzzle down a flavorful sugar milk and go off the fucking walls hyper. I felt their chilled hand gently brush against my exposed skin on the side of my shaved head, my heart fluttered at the sensual gesture “​You’re thinking of us. Always. Your red blood is truly white with Wisconsin milk. Your bone marrow pumps out little babybel cheeses. We are in you, so why can’t you finally realize that we are here for you? That we want Y ​ OU.​” With that single word I could feel their cold arms wrap around me, my winter jacket that is only a sweater being the only item separating us. I tried to shrug them off, but the milk splashed around my shoulder.

“Please. I am perfectly fine without you looming over my shoulder. I don’t need you here,” I huffed as I looked straight ahead. “​But you want me here. You always have. Why would you stay unless you didn’t​,” hummed their cheery little voice.

“I..I...that’s complete BULL!” I stammered, as I rushed out of their arms. A redness rising from my cheeks, but it was hidden by my mask. “I will never like you. You’re just...just not ​my type.” ​I was running out of things to say.

“​Really? I can become ​anything,​” they started. “​2%, Whole Fat, Strawberry, Chocolate, Half n’ Half​, ​Almond, Oat, a whole cow made of butter and so much more. I don’t even need to come from Wisconsin udders, I can be Cali-​” I whipped around in anger. “Don’t you ​ever ​try to say that again. Not Wisconsin milk?

That’s ​blasphemy! ​Who are you to even attempt to suggest the idea of California milk?

Pathetic.” “​OH? So it takes that to make you finally look at me. I’ve been waiting for you and it takes your anger to face me?​” They laughed as they looked down at me.

I simply rolled my eyes before I attempted to turn away from them, but their moist milky blob of a hand reached for my face, turning my hazel orbs to look at them. “​You don’t hate me.​” They whispered as they pulled me closer. “​May I?​” They carefully suggested as they looked down at me, the cool liquid cupping my cheeks, pulling me up. I carefully allowed myself to close my eyes. I reached for them, awaiting for the moment we-“Attention target shoppers. It is currently 10pm and we are now ​closed​. Please bring your merchandise to the front and leave the premises.”

When I opened my eyes, I stood in the middle of the dairy aisle. Something solid rested in my hands. I looked down to see a carton of Wisconsin grade Whole Milk.

3:38 am (6 hours ago)

GO HOME JEFFREY FedUpHousemate@macalester.edu To You

Dear Jeffrey, Go home. You may date my housemate, but this is not your house. Maybe you need some clarification- you do not live here. I am not dating you. I’m glad your comedy sketch of a relationship is going ‘well’, but your tiny illegible Hancock is not on our lease. Every day I wake up a sister wife in my own goddamn home, and Jeffrey, that’s on you buddy. I already have to deal with the soul-sucking bullshit hurricane that is the module system, I refuse to deal with yours and your uncomfortable presence.

Your dishes are not my dishes. My rent is not your rent. My power bill is not your power bill. I swear to the patron saint of respecting other peoples’ personal fucking space, I will throw your ‘toiletries’ into a volcano if you don’t learn how to flush the gotdamn toilet. Go home, Jeffrey. Your housemates must miss you. Why must you haunt my college house like the ghost of boyfriends past? I know I would never have willingly signed a lease with a centrist political “comedian” (PoliSci Major). For fuck’s sake stop asking me if I voted and if I know the history of the electoral college- please I’ll even snort-laugh at your jokes.

Don’t you have classes??? Do not lurk in my living room. All the food you cook with your ‘humbly-bumbly’ smells fucking gnarly. If you go near my cold cuts again I won‘t hesitate to slap you with oven-roasted ham. I won’t have your dirty-dishleaving-ass taint my temple of a pod. I want to walk around in my underwear again.

I want to blast ass like no one’s watching. Give me my freedom. Go home, Jeffrey.

From page 5

Unable to contain myself, I leapt from the bushes, my partner hot on my heels.

The me turned to face me. Oh God, I need to moisturize more. I stared deep into my own eyes. Ah, so this is how those selfcest fanfictions start.

I asked the clone its name, and it replied with my own. My partner demanded to know where it came from, and it smiled too big. “Father sired us,” it said. “He resides above, close to the stars.” The clone turned and pointed to the observatory.

Our toesies were frozies, and a Mac public safety officer crawled into the thicket to tell us we were crouching in the Board of Trustees Grove, so we scurried back to our dorms. But this was far from over.

The thoughts of what we had seen the night before swirled throughout our dreams, and we woke up more disturbed than ever.

We went to grab breakfast at the CC and ran into Self Proclaimed Sex Positive Feminist/ classmate from PHIL 294: Modern Theory and Radical Neoliberalism, Maximilian.

Maxi seemed to realize something wasn’t quite right, and asked “Hey Y’allx, you aren’t looking too groovy, whats poppin?” Between bites of our Oatmeal and Blood Sausage Scramble, we told him about what we had seen the night before, and his face froze in utter shock. “WHaaaAATTT” he exclaimed, saviorism dripping from his voice. “I’m worried about the way of life for these Technologically Duplicated Folx. I mean, were they even able to Consent to their creation? I really worry about their Right To Choose!” We wrote these concerns down on our monogrammed Journalist Notebooks™, though we knew this wasn’t the real problem at hand.

There was something bigger at stake. Some-

The Macque Weekle

thing smelled fishy, and it wasn’t the compost bins. We left the CC that morning disappointed in our lack of progress, but excited about the day of important Journalism ahead of us.

After going to MCST 235: How to avoid a hostage situation, we had to get right back on the case. We rushed to Cafe Mac for a quick lunch of gatorade-baked bean pie and sauerkraut salad with white chocolate sauce. Then we procrastinated by watching the spikeball players on the lawn and silently judging them for being in better shape than us. As we went to throw away our food, a pair of wide, chocolatey eyes blinked back at us from the compost.

When the being within lept from its organic confines, it was not another hungry squirrel

May 17, 2021

springing to freedom but a white-haired man in an oversized, baked-bean covered suit.

My partner gasped and jabbed a finger at the intruder. “Snot-stealer!” I whipped out my camera and snapped a photo. The figure screeched and covered his face with his hands before scuttling away in the direction of OlRi. “After him!” My partner shouted.

We bounded across the lawn like squirrels during mating season, hungry for a nut.

As we followed the man across campus and up the stairs in OlRi, a terrible suspicion dawned on me.

Could it be? I leaped up another fight of stairs. There was no way!

And yet…

By the time we reached the observatory, my legs shook from exertion, but we couldn’t give up the chase! When the man tried to close the observatory door on us, my partner wrenched it open, and we both rushed inside.

The man whimpered and pressed himself against the far wall. Figures more clones - emerged from the shadows and surrounded him, stroking his hair and hissing when we tried to get closer.

“Easy.” My partner put their hands up.

“We just want to talk.”

Continued on page [15}

From page 14

Groundbreaking Media Studies honors thesis, here we come! Brown might have rejected me as an undergrad, but they would let me into graduate school for sure. A single tear came to my eye.

My partner turned on their recording device. “Who are you?”

They demanded. But I already knew the answer.

The figure and I said it at the same time.

“Brian. Clifford. Rosenberg.”

At the sound of the name, the clones screeched and trembled.

“But… why?” My partner asked.

“Wait, why are you here?” Now that our eyes had adjusted to the dark observatory, we truly saw. Candy wrappers and empty Cup Noodle noodle

The Macque Weekle cups covered the floor.

“All this time,” I whispered.

“We thought you had left for good, but you’ve been here haven’t you?”

His face was answer enough.

My clone patted his knee.

“You have no idea what it feels like to be the president,” He said. “having students bribe you for letters of recommendation, having a captive audience for your self-indulgent youtube videos, living your life in one unending, orgasmic Macalester Moment™.

To have it taken away….” He shook his head.

“Your time here is over, exPresident!” My partner shouted.

“Never!” He cried.

May 17, 2021

My partner lunged forward, but I grabbed their shoulder. “Wait!” The clones bristled and spread their arms wide, making themselves look as big and threatening as possible. “It’s no use,” I told my partner. “Just get as many pictures as you can, we need backup before we can handle this.”

Trembling with fear and excitement, already knowing how I would word the writing sample I’d send Brown, my partner asked Brian one last question over their shoulder.

“The clones. Why the clones?”

Curled into a dark corner, the ex-President’s lip quivered.

“It’s so cold up here,” He whimpered. “And so lonely.”

Cool Bug Fax! Curious about the critters creeping around the campus center? Want to know more about your neighbor’s pet cockroach? Have you seen that twitching spider corpse on the third floor of Old Main and wondered, will I become this shaky husk of my former self when I pass, doomed to be nothing more than amusement for the arachnids of my grave? Look no further for answers! The Hegemoncle has collaborated with Mac’s most famous etymologist, Oglethrope “Legs” Brassbopper, to produce this wacky list of cool Bug Fax! #10: Butterflies don’t sleep

It’s true! All they need is a quick slurp slurp of sweet, tangy pollen, and they’re raring to go for hours! Just don’t get in between the queen butterfly and her ooey-gooey pollen! #9: Female grasshoppers eat their mates

Wild! Grasshoppers have been known to consume their mates if they’re driven to starvation or lack resources. Kind of like how my ex took everything from their side of the dupre double! Radical!

#8: Beetles make up 40% of life on earth

Want another fun fact? 25% of all beetles are named John!

#7: Ant colonies fight in battle formations

F-ANT-astic! Ants can take down humans who weigh up to 200 lbs and then slowly tear them into tiny pieces to feed the colony with. Better watch out, Karen!

#6: House flies eat their own vomit!

Try it at home!

#5: Cockroaches live up to 9 days without their heads!

Jinkies! Cockroaches use their last 9 days to burrow into the foundations of your home and lay thousands of eggs, plaguing you with their children before they pass on. Just like my ex-wife using little Jimmeigh and Kayleigh as pawns in our divorce proceedings! #4: Fruit flies have been in space

Out of this world! Fruit flies are actually from the atmosphere of Jupiter’s moon, Ganymede! #3: Some butterflies drink turtle tears

Crazy! Do you think there’s nutritional value in human tears? Anyone? Karen and the kids literally robbed me last night and now I can’t afford food! #2: Male horseflies can fly up to 95 mph!

Zoinks! Cover-Ops units have weaponized horseflies for deadly combat. That’s how I want to go out!

#1: Bugs make up 90% of life on earth

One day we will all be nothing but writhing worms in the eyes of our overlords. We come from bugs and will return to bugs.They do not know death.

Cut one down and two take its place.

Bow your heads and hope they spare you when the apocalypse comes.

by Finn Odum

FOR ACCOUNTABILITY, STUDENT MENTAL HEALTH, AND FREE CIGS...

LEADERSHIP.

VOTE

SERVICE.

VOTE

GEOFFREY

VOTE

Follow my instagram campaign account: @CumVote4Geof

MCSG Presidential Candidate under fire for not sharing his greens Jared Jageler, Contributing Writer February 14, 2020

Perennial candidate for student body President and your stoner roommate, Geoffrey ’22, issued a public apology on Thursday. The statement caps off a week of turmoil for the junior Media and Cultural Studies major and critical theory concentrator.

MCSG Overseer

He was first called out on a social media post by the anonymous Twitter account @thirsty.memes.4.greasy.M*calester.teens. The post read quote “@cumvote4geof is a huge gaslighter. Like, if ur not gonna give me free weed then gtfo of my gdd common area.”

The post sent anger rippling through the student body and prompted a cascade of arguments in the replies. The poster of the anonymous comment was later revealed to be Geoffrey’s now ex-partner, Caroline ‘23. Public sentiment quickly turned against the candidate. After all, he wasn’t an Orientation Leader like that baddie Karoline ‘23.

Geoffrey’s apology, posted to Twitter as a screenshot of the notes app, struck a deferential tone.

“Folks, we are in a battle for the soul of our nation. The forces of good, love, and science, must defeat the forces of hate. Also, Caralyné ‘23 is a two-faced moocher. Buy your own weed you leech.”

So far, Geoffrey shows no signs of dropping out of the race. Despite receiving The Mac Weekly’s endorsement, the most recent Pi Sigma Alpha poll has him at 4.20% support, a distant second behind write-in candidate, Ryan Brosenburg ‘24.

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Disclaimer: Students should not expect to experience any real benefits related to their donations, blood sacrifices, other contributions, or tuition payments.

Resume

1587 Parent’s house, Edina, MN, 55410 | (651) 696 - 9696 | Hegemonocle@macalester.edu

Qualifications Summary:

Just a Jim looking for his Pam. Let’s go on an adventure ;) My anthem: Go Crazy - Chris Brown & Young Thug 6’2’’ if that matters

Education

Macalester College, St. Paul, MN B.A. Expected May 2021 Political Science & Geology double major, Bio minor & Crit theory concentration [Mid-sized urban yet well-funded public high school]

Graduated May 2017

Relevant Experience

BriRo’s Secret Side Hustle, Harvard University August 2020-Present BriRo’s Top, Macalester College Jan. 2020 - May 2020 BriRo’s Bottom, Macalester College Sept. 2017 - Dec 2019 Squirrel Tamer, Macalester College Sept. 2017 - Present ● Volunteered with the local dog community to suppress, contain, and ultimately exterminate squirrel vermin from the college campus.

Work Experience

Macalester Hegemonocle, Macalester College Thursday Nights, 9:30-10:30 ● Worked closely with an editorial staff of [up to] twenty to produce a quarterly humor magazine (and you’ll never know when they’ll come out hehehe) ● Proficient in the Adobe Suite - ie eating the snacks in the Mac Weekly Office and spending 5 hours photoshopping a ball gag onto president Turck’s face Resident Hall Assistant, Macalester College September 2019 - May 2020 ● Planned and enforced created engaging study breaks for residents ● Use the college’s funds to buy more snacks than I need and bring the extras to my room >:3 Wait Assist, French Meadow Restaurant, St. Paul, MN September - November 2018 ● Mommy and Daddy paid for my whole tuition but wouldn’t give me aannnyy money to buy booze, so here I am working a WHOLE four hour shift per week [can you tell I’m not happy to be here?] ● Better Jobs: Cafe Mac, The Cheese Shop, Department Assistant, R.A., Ellipses person in the LC ● Worse Jobs: Shish

Other skills

Bagpipe lessons, never finished National Honor Society “Achieved” Language Proficiency, Spanish Creating and curating a professional Snapchat to sell weed

Sept. 2017 - March 2020 2015, 2016 Dos Mil Venti - Presente 2015 - Present

Community Engagement

Activist Can roll a killer joint Did Karate for like a year in 2005 Passionate & Driven - Attentive to details - Strong Communication Skills - Team Player - By Niko Bjork

CORGAN ARCHULETA

Module 6 Class Schedule Number/Section

Name

CHEM 246

Breaking Better

In this course, we will explore the moral implications of starting a mobile meth lab. Learn how to safely and equitably create and distribute illegal drugs from your mom’s shitty old Nissan NV. *Cross-listed with PHIL 246 INTD 101

Pre-Pre Orientation

Get prepared for your upcoming college life in this preparatory college course. You’ll learn how absolutely fucked you’re gonna be for the next four years time management skills by being presented with an overwhelming a college-level workload. This course is held fully on-campus, so not only do you have to pay extra tuition, but you’ll have to pay extra housing fees too.

Only open to incoming first years.

GEOG 189

Mapping Macalester Moments

Take this hands-on GIS course to learn about all the places on campus you’re guaranteed to have a nervous breakdown at! Here’s a hint, one is the GIS lab the course is held in because you won’t understand ArcPro and no one will explain it to you even though you just wanted to learn how to make a goddam map.

ENGL 269

Crafts of Writing: 50 Shades of YOU

Become the next EL James with this new, arousing crafts of writing class! Learn the tips of the trade (and the tools) and write your own full length space cowboy smut novel. Counts toward the critical theory concentration.

JAPA 288

Making Waifu a Reality

For the lonely students who desire some sort of connection to a love life that will never be. This course analyzes your poor choices of characters and fetishization. Taught only in Japanese.

PHIL 103

Laundry; What Does it Take For the Mind to Know?

Communal living brings many different challenges. Investigate the philosophy of proper laundry etiquette and learn to set timers instead of leaving your load marinating in the washer/dryer for the day.

SOCI 101

Sociology of “I’m gonna be a lawyer and change the world for the better!”

This class sets a foundation SOCI 201: Sociology of “The criminal justice system is broken and change from the inside dosen’t work; I’m going to be a broke activist for the rest of my life” POLI 294

Deconstruction of “Morality”

Do you ever find that your friends and colleagues disregard your logic for being “immoral” or “unethical”?

Learn to prove them wrong with well structured arguments and irrelevant hypotheticals. Topics include: why eugenics will greatly improve our nation’s workforce leading to a more prosperous economy, and why America should bomb Wisconsin Dells.

THE HEGEMONOCLE

Corgan Archuleta • Handsomest (feral) hege member • Will watch you struggle to write an essay in a lounge at 3am • An absolute FUCKING delight • Possibly still uses Club Penguin. honorarymacpizzachef69@macalester.edu

Dan Bially Levy • Is quiet… until he isn’t • Says he’s 5’8’’ but has never actually seemed like it • Is probably the one we SHOULD worry about • Doesn’t like hard boiled eggs • Constantly inspires fear definitelynotdan@cia.gov

Niko Bjork • Watched someone bite into a hardboiled egg with the shell on and liked it • Has an absolutely naughty small talk game and a Twitch stream • DM’s always open ;) naughtyeggbiter@macalester.edu

Alice Bjorneberg • Blonde -- but not in a mean way • Silently stares at fellow dorm residents as they exit their rooms • Responsible for the 2am ukulele siren sounds • Marks her territory by shedding notbjörk@macalester.edu

Autumn Campbell • Plays with scissors WAY too much for everyone’s comfort (her plants included) • Met her partner on farmersonly.com @cowgirl43902817092

Geoffrey • Doesn’t mind if you pronounce his name with a hard G • Has some really sick soundcloud beats • Knows you can hear him jerkin’ it every night • Catchphrase: U up? (derogatory) Has an email but hasn’t checked it since 2017

Amanda Gonzales • Considers being from Wisconsin a personality trait • Future Racine Kringle Dealer • Exclusively plays Queer animals in DND • Will kneecap anyone who suggests she wear something other than a button up notoriouseggshellbiter@macalester.edu

Jared Jageler • An acceptable econpolisci bro… I guess?

• You try to make eye contact with him in the CC but he never looks up :( • Only person in the history of the world to make a long distance relationship work • May or may not make video essays drewgoodenwannabe@macalester.edu

Lucas Martin

Zoe

• Name starts with an L but he’s always winning babeyyyy • Has written at least one poem about a cow made of butter • Friendly local Egg monger • Too tall for comfort • The one we worry about the most • WillScheuerman become the Hege’s honorary “Skinny, White & Tall” when Niko dies Roos https://macalester.zoom.us/BriRoLoversAnonymous

Lidija Namike • Only person left at Mac that got to live out their study away fantasy • Gives out her hair like she isn’t worried about anyone’s spellcasting abilities • Is definitely being haunted cowboyegg@macalester.edu

Will Nicholson • Gives midwest vibes • Deceptively chaotic • Might be Napoleon dynamite • Wouldn’t be surprised if he could build a boat votedforpedro@macalester.edu

Finn Odum • Has killed in cold blood, will kill again • Protector of (worried about) the first-years • Top 5% of Literotica contributors • Unhealthy interest in snakes, your mother and I are worried • Ex-fandom member smutlover3000@admin.literotica.com?

Zoe Roos Scheuerman • Harbinger of the Corn (from Indiana) • Says she’s from the midWEST but is from the eastern Time zone…

• An “I work out for fun” type of Athlete • Has made gasta and threatens to again buttercow@macalester.edu

Kate Sibila • Really talented artist when drunk • Claims to hate gamer culture yet knows the most about it • Unironically into bird watching • Is actually just like other girls • Sells her bathwater

Faculty and Staff

goodcatholicgurl@macalester.edu

Ethan Shaw • Destined protector of the coffee cart • When you see him in J wall you just awkwardly nod at each other and it’s like do I recognise him? And you’re never quite sure cause you’re both wearing masks. superbased@macalester.edu

Snake in Finn’s Shower • sssssSSsSSSSSssssSsSSssssSssSSSsSSsSsSsSsSssssssSSSSSssssSSssS • SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS hisssssssssssssssss@macalester.edu

Sophia Vischer • She’s like, super chill… the Kinda girl you could grab a beer with y’ know?

• Has connections to veggie tale elites • Does she, like, smoke?

• Is truly not like other girls ifyoulike2talk2tomatoes@macalester.edu