Volume 11, Issue 1 - The First-Year Issue

THE

Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 11, Issue 1 The First-Year Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Ross Boehme ’15 Henry Fremont ’15

EDITORIAL Assistant Editors Jamie Goodin ’17 Austin Parsons ’17 Copy Editors Jamie Goodin ’17 Lydia Karlson ’16 Austin Parsons ’17

DESIGN Head of Production Lydia Karlson ’16

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Tyler Krentz ’15 Phineas Rueckert ’15 Andrew Shirley ’15 Spencer Carter ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Declan Cummings ’17

Ellie Fuqua ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17 Marissa Heim ’17 Natalie Kronebusch ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 E.J. Schoenborn ’17 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Sarah Coleman ’18

Lizzie MacMillan ’18 Danny Ochoa ’18 John Ratz ’18 On Sabbatical Emma Soglin ’16 Jinath Tasnim ’16 Tom Wakin ’16

SHOUT OUTS

The Biohazard Room: Our favorite unsafe safe-place.

Medium-sized businesses: We see you.

My missing left sock: Ain’t no mountain high enough, baby.

Sparky: RIP. The fire station won’t be the same without you (less dog shit).

Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2014.

Editorial

Ah, to go back to our first years with the knowledge we have now. To have never bought acid wash

jeans. To have gone with the 30-year fixed rate mortgage. To have changed our bedsheets before the virus proliferated. What we would give!

We made mistakes in our first three years at Mac but now we’re omniscient, flawless seniors and we’d

like to pass some advice along to you first years. Actually, just one bit of advice. Nay, just one felicitation.

Congratulations! You’ve done it!

You’ve already found The Macalester Hegemonocle. Or, in the words of President Rosenberg, “The only

ink worth reading on campus aside from donor checks.” For the next four years we will be your guiding hand, your Bible, and occasionally, admittedly, your beverage coaster.

What should you do about the feral cats breeding in the Dupre 3W showers? See The Hegemonocle.

How can you get to your 1:10 class in Olin Rice more quickly because you’re already late? See The

Hegemonocle.

Is one of the student orgs a front for Jim Hoppe’s Herbalife pyramid scheme? See The Hegemonocle.

“But what if I lose this issue?” you ask. “Where can I go for guidance?”

“Don’t fret,” we say, wiping the tears from your eyes. “We’ve got a digital presence. Check out past

issues at issuu.com/hegemonocle.”

We publish four issues per academic year or 28 issues per dog year. That’s 112 issues per academic

dog. Do the math. Seriously, is that right? We’re not really sure what that means.

Your Macalester education will take you many places. It will nurture you and challenge you, ask of

you and give to you. If you find yourself struggling, just remember: one Herbalife X2 Pro Booster contains 100% of your daily needs for 24 vitamins and minerals. Present this editorial at The Vitamin Shoppe for a 20% discount.

- Ross Boehme and Henry Fremont The Macalester Hegemonocle November 2014

CARDED:

Sex andLanyards

A survey conducted by Macalester’s Health and Wellness Center in September shows that, in their first three weeks on campus, 73% of the class of 2018 who’d had sex self-reported that they did so while wearing their lanyards.

When asked about the study, Allie Sharkey, a first-year from Portland, OR, said: “Well, I don’t want to lose my ID. How else am I going to get back into Dupre at 11:30 on a Thursday? Everyone will be in bed… it’s a school night!”

Many experts are worried about students’ potential for injury during lanyard sex, but Sharkey believes it’s worth it.

“Yeah sometimes the keys scratch [my fuckbuddy’s] chest and one time our lanyards got tangled, but it’s better safe than sorry,” Sharkey said. “Our keys and IDs are just too easy to lose in the heat of the moment.”

Is keeping your ID safe worth the potential risks? Mary Wellenstein, head coital ethnographer at the Health and Wellness Center, claims that sex with lanyards simply isn’t worth it.

“People are dying of accidental, non-consensual strangulation,” Wellenstein said. “We need to get the word out that wearing lanyards around your neck not only makes you look like a fucking loser, but that it’s dangerous. Sex should be a positive, safe experience and lanyards are preventing this from becoming a reality.”

Michael Jetsen, a senior and head of Mac SISKS (Students Into Safe, Kinky Sex) disagrees with Wellenstein’s all or nothing approach to this issue. Jetsen suggests that there are infinite possibilities for lanyards to be incorporated into people’s sex lives in fun, safe ways.

“There’s potential for whipping, scratching and so much more,” Jetsen said. He did caution the Macalester community against the use of lanyards for autoerotic asphyxiation, as this has shown to be a risky activity (although it’s said to give toe-curling orgasms). Mac SISKS will be publishing a pamphlet in November on the safe use of lanyards during sex.

As the debate rages on, there’s no clear evidence that this trend will stop anytime soon. On quiet nights outside of Dupre, one will still hear screams of: “Baby, I don’t know if that’s you or your ID but OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”

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The Hege's

d e i f i s s DeclaWinter Survival Guide

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Get a nice scarf. Nothing is quite as disheartening as a cold wind rushing down your jacket and blowing away your desire to live Say goodbye to the sun and hello to your new vitamin D deficiency The human body is a great source of heat, so make friends that have a limited sense of personal space Learn to appreciate the color grey Consider growing copious amounts of hair, migrating somewhere warm, collecting food and hibernating. There’s much to be learned from our animal friends If you’re on your way to class and your friend falls in a snow bank, do not turn back for them If you both get stuck in a snow bank, be proactive and immediately resort to cannibalism Build a tolerance to the cold by bathing in liquid nitrogen Consume as much fatty food as possible (such as lard, butter or bacon grease) to build a thick layer of blubber Evolve

If you do in fact survive your first Minnesota winter, congratulations!

Celebrate by enjoying the three months of sweltering summer humidity before the cycle restarts.

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Study: Drinking Blood and Smoking Crack Linked to Happiness Dan Gilbert, a Harvard University professor and bestselling author, unveiled his latest study on November 1st at Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota. His results indicate that drinking blood and smoking crack are linked to higher levels of happiness.

The results stand in stark contrast to previous studies like the work completed by McYakova and Frederickson (2008), which found that drug use is associated with poor health and general dissatisfaction. LeDracula’s research, completed in 2010, claimed that drinking blood is found to have no effect on happiness unless the blood comes from virgin males.

“Although it may be surprising to find that crack-smokers are happier than the average person, it actually makes a lot of sense,” Gilbert said. “It’s not the act of smoking crack that makes you happy. It is the lack of smoking crack that makes you unhappy,” the professor said.

“The conclusions regarding drinking blood are more ambiguous,” Gilbert continued. “It turns out drinking blood gives us enjoyment because of the experience—it becomes a part of who you are.”

The professor cautioned that his findings do not indicate that everyone should drink blood and smoke crack.

But he does challenge the idea that smoking crack and drinking blood are irrelevant to future happiness.

“I’m so excited Gilbert came to visit—I think this talk is going to change my life,” squeaked first year Martin Novice. “Crack is only wack if you don’t treat it like a daily snack.”

First-Year Just Doesn’t Even Give a Fuck himself.

On Monday, October 13th, Stanley Blorg ‘18 rolled out of bed at 8:30 a.m., put on his slippers, and urinated on

“It just dawned on me that life is nothing more than the postponement of the inevitable, so why care?” said Blorg, a straight-A student who chartered a volunteering organization in high school and won the senior superlative Most Likely to Become President.

After quitting his work study job in the Office of the Provost, Blorg, a National Merit Scholar, rang the bell three times and scratched his name into the Kofi Annan Commemorative Memorial Ping Pong Table with a Wells Fargo P-Card.

Blorg’s roommate Jordan Jammer expressed concern about this apathy.

“It was like if someone gave him a fuck on a silver platter, he wouldn’t take it,” Jammer said. “If there was even a single fuck to give in this world, he would have nothing to do with it.”

Brian Rosenberg shared Jammer’s sentiment.

“There are a lot of fucks to give in this community,” Rosenberg said. “Unfortunately, Blorg decided that he would not share his fucks with our student body.”

At press time The Hegemonocle reached out to Blorg for an update. But he wasn’t on Gchat. Like he didn’t even care.

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Macalester Begins Accepting Animals in Effort to Increase Diversity

Returning students were met with a surprise this fall: classmates from across the animal kingdom.

Beginning with the class of 2018, Macalester will now admit animals in an effort to increase campus diversity. The initiative is a key component of Macalester’s Strategic Plan, according to President Brian Rosenberg.

“Macalester has always sought to push the boundaries of normality and we need to see past our speciesism,” said Rosenberg, undressing from a penguin suit. “Every member of the animal kingdom deserves a chance at an elite liberal arts education. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to head out for some horseplay.”

The change hasn’t been seamless, though. Some students have had trouble connecting with their new classmates. Giddle Cundert ’16 made the mistake of asking about one student’s long face and was consequently placed in a sensitivity training program by school administrators.

“This class has got me clawing up a wall,” said Cundert while clawing up a wall.

Another issue has been implementing resources that can accommodate every students’ strengths and weaknesses. For example, dogs can’t type due to their clumsy paws while their avian classmates seem to have an eagle eye for this type of work.

Food scarcity has also been an issue for the school. Bon Appetit has doubled its food production in response to increased pigging out.

“Black bears are hard to please,” said John Cook, manager of food services. “They want their salmon or they’ll maul your face off. But other students don’t like salmon, ya know?”

Clockwise from upper left: Rex Wolf, Sammi Sloth, Roberto Conejo, Iggy Iguana, Geri Giraffe-Sapien, Lance Johnson

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Official Nap Location Power Rankings as Designated by the HWC

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12.

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11. 1.

88

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12. On a firm mattress under low intensity lighting

Positives: Sturdy lumbar support, minimalist energy consumption

Negatives: Not a Sleep Number Bed, “scientific” 11. The Rat Room

Positives: Rats

Negatives: N/A 10. Caribou Coffee

Positives: Supports endangered species

Negatives: The old man who’s been licking his lips and looking at you for the last three hours 9. The house you grew up in

Positives: If only once more, you can rest easy under the blanket of careless youth

Negatives: May induce crippling nostalgia and acute fear of the future 8. Jimmy John’s parking lot

Positives: Good way to break out of the “Mac Bubble,” supports small businesses, free smells

Negatives: Gastrointestinal discomfort 7. Brian Rosenberg’s lawn

Positives: Great view of Wallace

Negatives: That poo you laid down on 6. Behind the wheel

Positives: Time efficient

Negatives: Uncomfortable, “laws” 5. The biohazard room in the Leonard Center

Positives: Safe from ebola

Negatives: Biohazards 4. The FedEx Store:

Positives: Supports small businesses, open 24/7

Negatives: May be confused for a package and shipped across the country 3. The Pendulum Room

Positives: Mesmerizing mechanics will lull you to sleep, “Slam” and “Blood Sugar” are great songs

Negatives: May receive a 15th century style execution, assumes no friction or air resistance 2. Your roommate’s bed

Positives: Quick way to escalate your relationship

Negatives: You know they were just there masturbating during your 1:10 1. Inside the geode

Positives: You could evolve

Negatives: You may be absorbed into the amethyst and frozen in time

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Quick Facts • • • • • • • • • • • •

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96% of Macalester students are 100% full-time students.

Macalester leaves represent over three hues of the color wheel.

You’re probably not going to major in international studies.

Olin and Rice have divorced and will separate before the year’s end.

If you keep hanging out in the lounge, maybe one day she’ll stop by.

The windmill is just a big fan creating that nice breeze on campus.

Six fictional flags fly amongst the real ones in Café Mac. Can you find them?

There is no objective truth.

The biohazard room in the Leonard Center is actually a wormhole to another universe.

Brian Rosenberg’s six pet cats are all named Miss Havisham.

Macalester is named after James Macalester, known to most by his psuedonym “The Hamburglar.”

Kofi Annan didn’t actually go here. We give him 15% of our yearly operating budget to say so.

Mac Voices: Macalester to ban tobacco on campus

On January 1st, Macalester will begin enforcing a tobacco-free policy on campus, capping off a smoking ban initiative that began in 2010. The Hegemonocle asked first-years for their reactions.

“I’m not gonna stop chewing dip in class.”

-Phoenix Hardwick, Woodbridge, CT

“Say goodbye to the hot social space that is the Dupre bike racks.”

-Fran Vicario, Málaga, Spain

“But I wanted to be a critical theory concentrator.”

-Marie Utkin, Evanston, Illinois

The Ways We Date at Mac Guaranteed tips for finding love before the end of your first year!

DO

DON’T

Compliment their appearance.

No Mac girl can resist a smooth compliment about her Birkenstocks.

Get too specific.

If you tell them you like the jaggedness of their big toenail, you might get a strange look.

Ask them to follow you on Twitter.

Ask them to follow your Limp Bizkit fan blog, Rizkit4daBizkit.tumblr.com.

Be brave at Kagin!

Grinding is a totally underrated form of intimacy.

Try to initiate grinding in non-Kagin settings. Yeah, Cafe Mac lines can get close, but be cool, bro.

Start conversations with topical questions such as “did you know the Ebola Nurse costume at Wal-Mart is sold out?”

Let your discussion of ebola symptoms segue into a sensual discussion of body fluids.

Save that for Date 3.

Write them a love letter lamenting hegemonic institutions and complimenting their cute butt.

Write them a song. Sorry to break it to you, but you’re no Justin Timberlake. More like the one with pineapple dreads. Chris, I think?

Alternative Winter Ball Locations 1. Ramsey County Junior High School gym Nothing says “wild party” like a middle school gym with the lights on or your aunt after too many Bloody Marys.

2. Dupre single Grinding has never been easier or more incidental.

3. Under the Mississippi Boulevard bridge What a view!

4. A playground Fresh air and plenty of places to put bodily fluids besides flower pots.

5. The woods You’re going to behave like an animal anyway.

6. Kagin Accept that we can never change.

7. Snow globe Winter Ball.

8. Siberia It’s comparatively warm and spacious.

9. Emergency room Save time.

10. Grand Avenue Those drivers can fucking wait.

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First-Year Heroes

Fake ID Fabia

She has a fake ID.

Stop It Sarah

Just stop it, Sarah.

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High School Girlfriend Glen Good on ya, Glen. I give it about a month.

Older-Friends Olivia

“I know you said I should come to your house party alone, but is it okay if I bring a couple other first-years?”

Care Package Carly Her parents care more than yours.

Compulsive Masturbator Corey “When are your classes again?”

No Homework Niko

All his classes are super easy! College is a cinch!

Conservative Connor

New Look Nina

Tony The Tiger

Pre-Med Parker

Brad

You definitely didn’t dress like that in high school, Nina.

That’s how he introduces himself.

He’s probably wearing a suit.

Yeah, he’s not gonna be pre-med.

But he WILL complain about his pre-med classes until he quits.

He’s not that cool, but he always has weed.

Blackout Bonnie

Reclusive Robyn

Quadruple-Gap-Year Qiao

Meeting you is a new experience for her every time.

Like Bigfoot, only sparse, ambiguous documentation hints at her existence.

It took her a while, but she’s REALLY got her shit figured out now.

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College Essentials

High School Transcript

Gallon of Bleach Your First Cellphone Bust of Your Father Erase your mistakes.

“Just don’t go using it to sext your friends on FacePlace.”

-Mom

Underwear

Socks

Taxidermy Set

½ Stick of Butter

Visibility ≠ Optionality

For your masturbation habit.

Duh!

Compostable lubricant and/or great late-night snack.

Your friends need a better reason to be seen with you.

For all he’s given.

Advice for First-Years From Famous Alum “Always offer to help people lift things. You never know the things they carried.”

- Tim O’Brien ‘68 “You’ll know talent when you see it. Unless you have no talent.”

- Ari Emanuel ‘82 “Update your Facebook status three times a day. It’s a great tool for networking.”

- Rebecca Van Dyck ‘91 “If you can’t afford the tuition, just transfer to the U. Worst case scenario, you’ll end up becoming vice president of the United States.”

- Walter Mondale ‘No Mac degree

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“Drink blood, smoke crack, worship Satan, go Mac.” - Reverend John Applesmith ‘58 “Always support the football team underneath those Friday night lights.”

- Peter Berg ‘68 “Play ping-pong for as long as you can. The real world sucks.”

- Kofi Annan ‘61 “Take classes in the Economics department.”

- Everyone

AN EXPOSE

First-Year Calls His Professor “Mom”; Has Not Left Dorm Room in Three Days

NEWS BRIEFS

Last Thursday, Gregory Williams let loose a Freudian slip in COMP 123-01. Embarrassed, the first-year rushed out the door with 25 minutes left in class and has since become a recluse. “He’s just there,” says Ernie Thompson, Williams’ roommate. “He hasn’t moved, save for a few poops and pees I think.” No word yet from Gregory but with parents’ weekend coming up students and faculty are worried that the surplus of middle aged women may leave Gregory overwhelmed if he does choose to leave his room.

First-Year Takes Spoon from Café Mac; Confesses to Theft after Intense Interrogation The cafeteria staff noticed the loss of spoon 2576B over two weeks ago. Fred Ramses had been a suspect since day one when the café hostess mentioned his habit of never hanging up his backpack. “You can’t trust people like him,” the hostess said. Head of Department for Student Misconduct, Jennifer Hudson, ensures that the proclaimed “silverware bandit” will receive the appropriate punishment of three weeks of utensil restriction.

First-Year Declares “Turn up” Major (with a Minor in International Studies) “I can still remember the first time I turned up; it was a calm summer day in the spring of ’04,” says Maxine Hones ’18. Hones claims that the turn up major has been a family tradition going back eight generations. While not the most popular major at Macalester, the career opportunities and alumni connections for turn up grads are amongst the most diverse and rewarding. “When I declared, my academic advisor and I each took a swig of Fireball. Dope.”

First-Year Expresses His Avid Use of Hookah; Surprised He Isn’t Popular Yet “I just don’t get it; it worked in high school!” exclaimed Maceo Gaines as he sat by himself in the middle of Café Mac. Maceo thought that the orientation groups would be a perfect opportunity to start his inevitable rise to fame.

“Every meeting, his glitter would be the same thing: ‘I smoked hookah heh,’” says Maceo’s OL Susan Robertson.

After the embarrassing failure of his hookah tactics, Maceo resorted to using wikiHow’s ever-popular “How to make friends in college” guide, but even after taking such drastic measures and implementing tactics like “attending sporting events” and “being approachable,” Maceo is still left eating alone in Café Mac every day.

Freshman Puts Apple Laptop in Compost Bin It’s biodegradable.

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Overeager First-Year Composts Leaves from Outside

If you’ve been outside in the past three weeks, you’ve probably seen Jerry Langosta picking up leaves from Old Main’s lawn. But Langosta, a first-year from Portland, Oregon, isn’t collecting them for his scrapbook or science class. He’s placing them in the Campus Center’s compost bins.

“I was thrilled when I learned about Mac’s goal of being Zero-Waste by 2020,” said Langosta, sweeping up a pile of virgin maple leaves. “Then when I saw all this compostable material on Old Main’s lawn, it hit me. I’ve got an opportunity to change the world.”

Langosta has been entering the campus center for weeks now with armfuls of yellow, red, brown, and even orange leaves. His exploits have made him into something of a campus celebrity. Last week he was featured in The Mac Weekly as one of Macalester’s “Top 30 Under 30.”

Langosta, though, was oblivious to his uniqueness until recently. He wonders why more people aren’t collecting foliage.

“I see people, everyday, just walk on the sidewalks, and sometimes even through the lawn itself, and not pick up a single leaf and put it in the proper waste basket. Can you believe that?” Langosta said. “I was told that this was a green campus, that the students were environmentally and socially conscious. So why aren’t there more people composting leaves?”

“It’s not me that is odd, it’s them. All of them. I’m just trying to save the environment here.”

One obstacle in Langosta’s collection has been the wind’s stubborn insistence on making leaves fall from trees. He’s missed many-a-class due to his pickup efforts.

“They just keep coming!” Langosta said. “Where do I can tell you though, I’m looking forward to the winter for just shovel.”

His fellow students, too, have attempted to foil

“They shout things like ‘Leaf Boy’ and ‘You need them,” Langosta said. “Now I understand what Al Gore out with An Inconvenient Truth. I’m Al Gore now.”

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all these leaves come from? an easier time. Snow I can his collection. to sleep.’ But I ignore felt like when he came

Overheard @ Orientation “How many kids do you have?”

“Beijing Olympics”

“More brick than I expected”“I saw my OL at a party!”

“Penultimately”

“Cocaine”

“Sports agnostic” “Rosebud” “The single bullet theory” “Unigo Rankings”

“I already read the textbook” “In the words of Kofi Annan”

“Americanah”

“Tupac hologram”

“Oh! Do you know my friend...”

“Yeah I do hookah”

“Favorite 18th century cisgender poet”

“Carleton” “Oswald couldn’t have acted alone”

“Favor Duke”

“But the alcohol module said”

“Kony 2012”

“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.”

“A society that “Park’s Liquors” “Parent/Guardian Kagin” “Salutatorian”

“My gap year blog”

“Hol’ up, tryna transcribe this ethnographic interview like a muthafuckin keeendrick.”

- Kendrick Lamar ‘15

“There are too many people at this Kagin right now that I didn’t know last year, who the fuck lookin’ to stop at buzzed?”

- Aubrey Graham ‘16

“You can find me in tha club, bottle full of bubble tea, learnin bout critical race theory and intersectionality.”

- Fifty Cent ‘18

values convenience over nutrition”

“Shrimp boat captain”

“You could be the king but watch the queen conquer.”

- Nicki Minaj ‘17

“Got yo hegemony on ma dick.”

- Marshall Mathers ‘15

“I got 99 problems, but a CIS femalebodied individual ain’t one.”

- Shawn Carter ‘15

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Top 20 First Impressions “You listen to Bright Eyes! I listen to Bright Eyes! We should hang out.”

“Dude, he definitely smokes weed. Wait, is it awkward if I ask him for some?”

“I met my future spouse today! We’re going to be together forever, or at least for the rest of the semester.”

“Oh you’re from Chicago? I think there are some other people here from Chicago too.”

“This OL is wack as fuck.”

“You’re a professor and go by your first name? You’re progressive and my favorite.”

“Dupre seems like more fun.”

“I threw up in Dupre.”

“He farts loudly in class.”

“Are you going to the party in the Dupes quad tonight?”

“Café Mac is AMAZING! And so many options too!”

“Have we met before? I don’t know, I forget. Well anyway, my name is Hannah.

Nice to meet you!”

“I’ve met Hannah three fucking times already.”

“Dude, I can’t wait to explore the Twin Cities.”

“My RA is so cool! She put a bag of condoms on her door!”

“I’d shake your hand but I’m gluten-free.”

“You’re my best friend. I love you.”

“This lanyard is really handy. I think I’m going to wear it all the time.”

“Let’s get hammered and only speak in Spanish!”

“Macalester was my safety school.”

How to Be Cool

1. Attach ice packs to your back. Refresh as often as able.

2. Birkenstocks.

3. Cuff your pants. Thrice.

4. Read The Hegemonocle.

5. Only wear black, grey, brown, forest green, maroon or navy. It’s past Labor Day, people.

6. Join the frisbee team.

7. Drop out.

8. Re-enroll.

9. Don’t ask questions.

10. Don’t be a fucking nerd.

11. Swear at your teachers.

12. Don’t wear glasses.

13. Forget how to read.

14. Develop an entourage.

15. Smoke spliffs and compost them in class.

16. Get addicted to something.

17. Develop a rival.

18. Join Mac Bike.

19. Plagiarize.

20. Talk about your masturbation schedule.

21. Pretend to work at Café Mac. 22. Read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. Be an Outlier.

23. Declare a Geology major.

24. Call home at least once a week.

Guide to Getting Along with Your Roommate • • • •

Make sure the first conversation you have is about masturbation schedules.

Wink at them at least once per day.

Do a background check before meeting them so you’ll have things to talk about.

Call their parents to share your concerns about their late bedtime and its effect on their cognitive development.

• If they accidentally sleep through their alarm, help them out and wake them up with a nice bucket of ice water. (Bonus points for upping their social consciousness by filming it and posting it on Facebook.)

• Help them stay focused on schoolwork by removing any distractions (e.g. phone, laptop) and selling them on eBay. They’ll thank you once they get their 10% cut.

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Q: Can you stand up in Neill Hall?

A: That’s a common misconception. You can only kneel.

Q: I’m not of Hegemonocle quality. What student org should I join?

A: Consider Bodacious, Oxfam or the benefits of negative space on your resumé. If truly desperate, see The Mac Weekly.

Q: What are the four pillars of Macalester?

A: Two outside Kagin, two in Café Mac. Q: Should I read The Daily Piper?

A: [New York, newspaper magnate accent] Listen kid, I don’t know what it was like when you were writing for your Local Pilot Times Journal bullshit, but that’s not gonna be enough in today’s 24-hoursnews, attention-deficit society. If ya not gonna read The Hourly Piper, ya not gonna survive.

Q: What is Winter Ball?

A: A formal event put on by Macalester in which sober students come out in droves to slow dance, snack on delicious hors d’oeuvres, and put all bodily excretions in their proper receptacles.

Q: Should I take Principles of Economics pass/fail?

A: Yeah, economics doesn’t seem like an important thing to have a basic understanding of.

Q: Will my orientation leader ever acknowledge my existence now that orientation is over?

A: No. Q: How do I get alcohol if I’m underage?

A: While the Hege doesn’t condone underage drinking, there is one way: Go into Old Main 001 at 11:58 p.m. on a Thursday. Sit at the desk by the door. Chant “Kofi Annan” in ascending volume. Wait 20 minutes. Blink twice. One bottle of Everclear will appear between your breasts.

Q: Who should I give my username and password to?

A1: David Sisk A2: Anyone who asks nicely because manners should be rewarded in today’s cold world.

Q: Can I punch this kid in my U.S. Politics class?

A: No. Harbor your anger and subconsciously unleash it on your friends and family.

Q: How do I casually disclose my SAT scores without seeming like a douchebag?

A: Print out College Board reports. Plant them in “lost” binders around campus.

Q: Why doesn’t she love me anymore?

A: It’s the birthmark. And the fact that you’ve never talked to her.

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FRESH YEAR FRESH MEAT

Here’s a delectable sample of the class of 2018.

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The Dupre Lounge, home to some of the most enthralling conversations on campus. Make no mistake—praying is a-ok, if not encouraged in these spaces.

o n D / ’t

Pray

Dupre

Pictured are the floor plans to the second floor of Dupre. While not explicitly stated, prayer enthusiasts can rest easy; prayer is allowed in every room 24/7, including holidays.

If you catch someone with A paragon of graphic design, this this snarky quote written on sign is clearly demarcating a No What a great view of Dupre’s their shirt, be sure to adhere to Pray Zone. hurricane proof construction, their wishes and refrain from praying, conveniently purposed as a hub for storing even if they’re in the do-pray lounge. It’s a bicycles, weekend merriment and prayer. complex dichotomy—one we have to respect.

Please don’t pray for me God might think I hang out with you

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