Volume 17, Issue 1 - The Rebranding Issue

THE

Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 17, Issue 1 Fall 2017 The Rebranding Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Sarah Coleman ’18 Sean McDonald ’18

EDITORIAL Managing Editors Danny Ochoa ’18 Thali Zikos ’18 Head Writer Sophie Hannauer ’19 Social Media Editor Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Radio Editor Ward Takatomo ’19

DESIGN Head of Production Will Milch ’19 *

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Caleb Driker-Ohren ‘19 Alex Dzwierzynski ’19

Adam Rogowski ’19 Jacob Trout ’19 * Lane Centella ’20 Maeghan Sullivan ’20 * On Sabbatical

Autumn Campbell ’21 Hannah Hendrickson ’21 Jordan Schwed ’21

SHOUT OUTS The Broiler: Your food wasn’t that good but boy were you sort of close by. R.I.P. Husky old men riding small bikes through campus The food left to rot in the the Mac Weekly office, a fitting symbol of the state of their industry Moving off campus and suddenly taking an active interest in IPAs The woman at the state fair holding two foot-long corndogs and standing alone on a street corner yelling “Rhonda!” to no one in particular Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2017.

Editorial Ahem, Hello students of Macalester College, “cool� faculty, and shadowy figures who dug this publication out of the campus garbage thinking it was really flat bread. And welcome to another year of that sweet sweet Hegemonocle content that makes your urine silver and makes your knees bend backwards and up towards the heavens.

This is a special issue for this publication because this is the issue where we have decided to make content that will not only physically impair you, but that you will also enjoy. In this essay, we wish to convince you that over the course of this issue, you will find satisfaction due to the fact that this issue will indeed be enjoyable.

The first reason this issue will be enjoyable is that we have done extensive psychological research on how to better entertain you, the reader, each of you, individually. We have asked your family members and friends about the most transformative moments of your life, the things that terrify you, the things that bring you joy. Without even realizing it, you are reading this magazine right now because it was designed to entice you; to be your light in the dark; to bring you out of the reverie of your own mind. Throughout the semester, every sub-par grade, every bad Cafe Mac meal, every unexplained arousal that popped up during your crit theory presentations; they were all planned to draw you to the liberation that is The Hegemonocle.

The second reason we maintain that you will find this issue pleasurable in nature, is due to the extensive animal testing we conducted in preparation for its release. A prototype of the new Hegemonocle was given to a total of eight chimpanzees. Only seven died and one seemed to enjoy the magazine very much. Based on this evidence, we are absolutely sure that you find this issue most titillating.

In summation, we encourage you to continue through this publication assured that unlike previous issues, The Rebranding Issue will not only restructure the composition of your blood and cause your teeth to retreat into your gums, but you will also chuckle once or twice.

Warmest regards, Sarah Coleman and Sean McDonald The Macalester Hegemonocle November 2017

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New Spring 2018 Class Offerings This semester Macalester English Professor Matt Burgess’ introduced a Creative Writing topics course entitled “How to Be a Person in the World.” And while it may not have been intended as one, many members of the Macalester community interpreted the course as a cry for help, a moment of desperation in which the professor turned to the students for answers to the questions that haunt him. When other professors took note of how quick the class filled up, how many students clambered over each other to answer Burgess’s question, they decided to follow his example.

Here is a selection of new courses to be offered in the spring:

Number/ Section

Name

EDUC 260-01

How to Support a Family On a Professor’s Salary

POLI 336-02

Help Help it Burns, Why Does it Burn So Bad?

8/8

SOCI 185-01

Why is Grass Sometimes Short But Also Sometimes Very Tall

50/50

INTL 214-01

How to Know if My Son Wants to Be My Friend

16/16

ENGL 294-07

How to Win a Man Booker Prize

12/12

CHEM 215-01 How Long After Graduation to Wait Before Asking Out a Student

Avail./ Max 20/20

4/4

INTL 215-01

How to Make My Son, Samson, Stop Pinching My Nipples and Calling Me “Bobby Bitch Tits”

15/15

ECON 154-02

How to Cry Like a Man

20/20

HIST 231-02

How To Sling Dough Like a Madman

40/40

COMP 245-04

Who Are the Men Who Came at Night, Took Everything I Love and Made Me Watch? Who Are They?

3/3

INTL 216-01

I Want My Son to Stop Shooting Neighborhood Dogs With a BB Gun From Our Attic Window

0/1

PHIL 125-02

Who Was That Guy in That One Movie? My Wife and I Liked It Very Much

10/10

Can I Have More Tater Tots Please?

Dawn breaks on another day at Macalester College. It is a Sunday and now the booze-soaked heroes of the night before drift slowly into Cafe Mac. Hollowed into mere shells by their hangovers, they now seek the one thing that might restore some semblance of humanity to their fragile frames: tater tots.

One such student is Evan Richards, nursing a hangover that would have killed someone with a lower tolerance than he, having struggled through the interminable purgatory of the Grill line he came before that most powerful and fickle of beings, the bored student employee. Supplicating himself before this modern day sphinx he could only hope that it would be generous in its bestowal.

One, two, three, four golden tots tumbled from the merciless tongs of the mercurial worker and Evan saw his fate was sealed.

He tried in vain to protest. The words “Can I have more tater tots please?” came from his mouth even as his eyes asked: “Are you not the same as me? Are you not a human who must eat and be nourished?

When was it that you were drained of all compassion?”.

The worker lifted again their tongs, disdain written across their face, and released onto the plate a single additional golden potato restorative. A weaker man, or perhaps a more intelligent one would have accepted his fate, slinking into some secluded corner to nurse his hangover with what few tots he had.

But not Evan.

Steeling his soul for the undertaking upon which he was about to embark he asked again, “Can I have more tater tots please?” The battle between worker and student raged for an hour. Evan stood firm even as campus security, those most dire enforcers of tater tot tyranny, descended upon him and dragged him from the cafeteria.

Now, banned forever from Cafe Mac, his fate is like that of many great heroes before him: to wander the earth disinherited.

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The H egemonocle Diagram aLLEY Slathered in mayonnaise

Your Dad

Seriously Committed to the liquidation of private property

Sandwich

The Forumuoli

Bronies

Bernie Bros

Obedience to God

Ravioli

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Ravioli Mac GOP

Mac Dems

All your fault Gaping Butthole

Fire in Chem Lab

Parents’ Divorce

Marlon James

Left Buttcheek

Right Buttcheek

Cross-Eyed as Fuck

Atlantic Predatory Fish

English Male Name

Left Eye

Right Eye

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I’m a Male Feminist But Please Keep Your Strap-On to Yourself My name is Thomas Howe, and as a student at a prestigious liberal arts college, I actually think sexism is a problem that we all have to fight. Just because you’re a white heterosexual man doesn’t mean you can’t fight the patriarchy, right? As a man, I’ve done all I can to support the women in my life, because I’m aware of my male privilege.

I’ve made sure to not talk over women, because I’m aware of my male privilege. I stand up to men who catcall women, and call out friends who objectify women, because I’m aware of my male privilege.

I’ve done my best to respect women and be a good ally, all while understanding and trying to check my white male privilege.

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By all means, women should feel comfortable to dominate me, and hey, I probably would enjoy getting tied up. Spank me, why not? Slap me around! Bring on the nipple clamps! Give me a few paper cuts on my balls and spritz some But despite all this, I… well, I’m not going to lie. lemon juice around, that’s probably empowering.

My desire as a male to end the double standard Heck, hook me up to a car battery and give it between sexes has a limit. I draw a line somewhere, all she’s got, I don’t mind indulging your kinks. and in my case, the line is a circle right around my But I draw the line at getting penetrated. No way asshole. That’s right, I’m talking about pegging. you’re putting something up my butt! Look, I get that I have a prostate but that’s not the point!

Look, I get sex is one of those things where I don’t know what’s going on back there. I don’t there’s a huge double standard. And I’ve done my even know what my ass looks like, much less best to combat that. I’m communicative with my what it would look like with a pinky shoved up partner, and I try to make sure they tell me what it! they like. I always check in with them and ask them if there is anything they want me to do and, like, I know that I might have suggested we try anal whatever. I got the message loud and clear that every day last month, but that doesn’t mean I women’s bodies are complicated, man! And I’m want a ten inch strap-on inside me! Can’t we end all up for trying things if my partner wants to, of the double standard with some reciprocated and course. But not… everything. ultimately mediocre oral sex or something?

Help!

Please send help, I am a very small man that a very big man keeps in a jar in his desk drawer. I do not know who this man is, I do not know what he wants, but boy oh boy can I pretty much not breathe in this jar.

Usually I am in the dark, but sometimes the man will take me out of the drawer and I’ll see the sun. Then he shakes the jar until I’m dizzy and I throw up in the corner of the jar but there are no corners because it’s a jar so I just throw up everywhere.

And then he says: “Ideas. Go!” And I fall out of the jar and I throw up again and then I say “Help me, oh god!” and then, “Blue! Make everything blue!”, or “Grow a beard!”, or “Give every on-campus department a lunch break for a really long time right at peak business hours,” and he says “Good,” and wipes out the jar with a napkin and puts me back in until we do it all over again.

I fear that things may soon get worse. Yesterday he took me out and when he said go I said, “Treat humanities majors like they’re also students who pay to go here”, and “Don’t charge students full tuition when they study abroad if their study abroad tuition is much cheaper than the college’s”, and “Maybe don’t make everything blue”. He didn’t like those ideas.

I spent the rest of the day locked in the drawer as the man tried to come up with his own ideas. I heard the song “Fucking Problems” by A$AP Rocky five consecutive times. I heard him yell “I am the big cheese” every half an hour before slamming an empty can of Monster against what I can only assume was his forehead. But I heard no ideas.

What will become of me next time the man opens the drawer? Will I be replaced with an even smaller, less vomity man? These are the things I wonder, and who are my parents? I would like to know that too. Send help and also maybe my parents.

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What’s Your Kink Based on Your Major?

American Studies - Fucking on other people’s land Art/Art History - Body painting Asian Studies - College age, mild mannered white boy studying abroad in Japan fetish Anthropology - Voyeurism Astronomy- Unwieldy - Unwieldyspace spacesuit suitsex sex Astronomy logy - Beastiality Biology - Beastialitybut butyou youreally reallyknow what you’re doing know what you’re doing Chemistry - Molecular Chemistry - Molecular bondageBondage Classics - Missionary Classics - Missionary Computer Science - Python-on-Javascript action Critical Theory - Auto-erotic asphyxiation Data Science - Calculating the optimal speed and intensity for the satisfaction of all parties Educational Studies - Lesson plans English - Crying a lot *(Creative Writing - Crying more and getting the same degree)

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Environmental Studies - Reusing condoms

Economics - Guns and butter French - Baguette play Geology - Cleavage German Studies - Lederhosen Hispanic/Latin American Studies - Calling your dom “El Dictador” History - Pulling out

P.E. - Contortionism

International Studies - Sex on planes

Political Science - Finger in the bum

Mathematics - Have sex t wice

Pre-Law/Pre-Med - Premature ejaculation

Media and Cultural Studies - Recording and watching

Psychology - Milfs then killing your dad after

Music - Fucking to Bach

Psychics - Like, a sex swing…?

Religious Studies - Prayer breaks Russian Studies - Masturbating in the snow Sociology - Slowly build up the courage over the course of several months to ask someone to start a romantic relationship and eventually develop physical intimacy Philosophy - Seizing the means of seduction Theater - Chanting Hamilton lyrics at cast orgies WGSS - Pegging

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Floor Mom Gone Too Far? In a dorm there are bound to be some people who are protective of their floormates, but some would say the actions of Dupre 2 resident and self proclaimed “floor mom” Barbara Mcintyre have gone too far. “At first she was just looking after the people who came in drunk at 4 A.M, and that was all right,” said an anonymous Dupre 2 resident, “but then it started getting weird.” Mcintyre has reportedly begun following fellow Dupre 2 residents around Cafe Mac making sure they eat their vegetables and finish all the food on their plates. “There are children starving in Africa right now,” Mcintyre remarked to a fellow student spotted throwing out a half eaten piece of raw chicken breast.

Mcintyre’s maternal tendencies have even begun to affect her floormates’ academic lives, as Dupre 2 resident Lucas Duke attested. “She’s always on me about my homework”, Duke complains “yesterday she unhooked the TV in the lounge and refused to reconnect it until everybody had finished the reading for our FYC”. Some people, on the other hand, applaud Mcintyre’s efforts. One classmate of Mcintyre’s, Sophia Gold, told us that “last week she overheard me complaining about how my linguistics professor was being a dick, she sent him an email and now he won’t call on me in class or make eye contact. Score!”

Collin Harper, another Dupre 2 resident told us that some of Mcintyre’s behaviour has become menacing. “I was running out to The Grille last Tuesday for a late night snack and she ambushed me outside the elevator. She started asking me ‘Where do you think you’re going young man? Don’t you know it’s a school night?’ When I pointed out that we’re the same age she told me to stop talking back.” We tried to reach Mcintyre’s roommate but all she would say is “Mo–– I mean Barbara says I’m not allowed to talk to strangers”.

We talked to Mcintyre, clad in her usual high waisted jeans and vest, searching another student’s room for contraband. When asked about her floormates’ concerns she said: “Really I just have their best interests at heart, they’re going through a rebellious phase right now but one day they’ll thank me.”

These kids and their pizza snacks and soda drinks

MACALESTER GRAD GET’S JOB AT BON APPETIT TO CONTINUE FUCKING COLLEGE STUDENTS Today the Hegemonocle had the honor to talk to Kyle Clappman, infamous fuck-machine and new Manager in Training for Bon Appetit Minneapolis. “Macalester for me was all about fucking, anywhere, anyone, anywhen. I owned a dozen shirts with ‘I love the female orgasm’ on them and no other shirts.”

on the path: the path of fucking. “I sat myself down and thought, if I can’t have sex with college students, then how can I fuck them?

Then it hit me: who fucks more students than anyone else at Macalester? Bon Apetit. So I went out, and I got myself a job.”

“I feel like working here has allowed me to really step up my Like all good things, however, the game. Before, my fuck pool was incessant orgy that was Kyle’s col- limited by sex and appearance, but lege career had to draw to a close. now I fuck students universally.

“After graduation I felt really lost, If there’s one downside it’s that for a while I tried trading weed and I’ve had to buy a lot of new belts Visa gift cards for sex but it just to make room for 2146 notches. wasn’t the same.” But all was not I’d like tosay I fuck the most of lost for Clappman, after a long pe- anyone I know, but I have a buddy riod of soul searching he got back who works for the IRS”.

The Upperclasman’s Lament - You can never find anything in the new 1600grand. Its upstart navy blue seems to mock you, reminding you that you can always be replaced by something younger and sleeker.

All in a day’s work for Clappman

- You still call it the Daily Piper, more out of spite than habit. They have taken so much away from you. They will not take this.

- “Wait, there’s a Kagin tonight?” you say. Distant - Like a gargoyle you sit in the atrium, looking recollections of flashing lights and thumping bass down at all the cheerful, garrulous first-years in echo through the haze of intoxication and time that Cafe Mac. So innocent. They know nothing. have muddled your memory. It has been so long.

- “Moodle, you little shit,” you mutter at your computer, as you click on a link but it takes you to - A golden retriever runs up to you, but you only another page where you have to click on the link shake your head sadly and turn away. Thanks to Dog Day, every time you see a happy puppy wag- again. ging his tail out of sheer joy you are reminded of the existential dread and coffee-fueled nightmares - One morning while looking in the mirror, you discover a single gray hair growing from your of finals week. scalp. You nod your head. You have been waiting for this signal of your imminent mortality for a long time.

-You cling to your old ID card and lanyard like precious artifacts. They are remnants of a past remembered by fewer people each year, eventually passing out of memory as if they never existed.

You will be their guardian against the relentless march of time.

13

Woes of a Creative Mind I was so excited to come to Macalester. To explore all the humanities, arts of the liberal varieties, maybe a social science course if I’m feeling frisky. As soon as I graduated high school, I was like, fuck yeah: no more math or science ever again. I wrote down every number I knew on a piece of paper and lit it on fire. I literally threw my TI-89 calculator in the garbage disposal. Mom was angry, but the experience will make for a great creative writing piece. Perhaps a Bildungsroman. I looked that word up on Simple English Wikipedia before I even got to orientation so I could impress my peers. Everything was comin’ up Josh until last weekend.

It was Saturday morning. I was digesting a deliciously starchy Café Mac waffle over a titillating Mac Weekly (interviews with dogs is the next big thing in journalism) when I got a call from Grandma.

“Hello?”

“Joshy! How are you, sweetheart? How’s college?”

“It’s good, Grandma! Last night I went to a party, there’s this great thing called butt chugging—“ “Listen Joshy that’s great. Grandma needs a favor from you. Just a little one.”

She proceeded to explain to me that at her last bridge game, Mildred Flannigan had brought up the topic of grandchildren. “God I can’t stand Mildred. She tainted my banana bread at the county fair in ’93 and she’s been smug about her blue ribbon ever since.

Her victory is based on lies!”

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Grandma said that Mildred mentioned how her grandson was a recently declared business major at UW Madison. Mildred had proceeded to comment on how very nice it was to know her sweet little Caleb had job security. “Then she looked at me with this shit eating grin and asked how your father’s writing career was going,” Grandma muttered.

“It’s not my fault your father thought he’d be the next big name in memoirs. I told him, ‘no one cares about your struggles with childhood eczema, Steve!’ And then your mother encouraging his damn sculpture art phase—“ “So what’s the favor, Grams?”

“Well… I told Mildred you had already declared as a pre-med neuroscience major. So I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do that for Gram-Gram.”

My heart dropped. Neuroscience? Pre-med? How would I have the time to work on my memoir? I was stunned. She knew how squeamish I was around blood.

“Grandma, no, please! I’ll cyberbully Caleb on LinkedIn! I’ll send Mildred a spam email and get her social security number—” “Listen here, fuckface. If my desire for grandchildren hadn’t led me to poke holes in your parents’ condoms, you wouldn’t even be here right now. You owe me this. I can’t let Mildred GODDAMN Flannigan make me look like a senile fool. I’ll tell your parents my dying wish is to have a doctor in the family. And you and I both know how susceptible your dad is to guilt.”

So that’s where I am. A poor, emotionally destitute first year, destined for the cold, unfeeling analytics of hard science. There’s nothing left for me to do but stare longingly at Old Main from behind the numerical bars of my Olin Rice prison. There’s no room for poetry in lab reports.

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50 Shades of Orange: A Shocking Lack of Burnt Sienna Students were appalled this week to discover that Mac athletes were not sporting burnt sienna as part of their uniforms. Once excited for the rebranding, school spirit has taken a nosedive. Campuswide, students are now in outrage.

“I thought the scots were turning over a new leaf, but I’m still blinded by the neon orange.” -Alex Barr ‘20 “I swear to god if I have to spend another 30 dollars at The Highlander...”

-Caroll Ann Worb ‘19 The shift in branding has been seen all over campus, from new banners around academic buildings to new banners around academic buildings.

The Scots wait anxiously to hear about the new uniforms on their way next spring. The shades of orange are so similar they are unsure if they will even be able to tell them apart.

Slightly Ashamed First Year Makes Sure Hall is Empty Before Getting Items from Sexy Bag

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“I’m nineteen, I should be buying my Lifestyles from CVS by now,” whispers first-year William Egan as he creeps down the hall in the wee hours of the night, 6 pm, when he knows all of his fellow dorm mates would be at Cafe Mac. He reaches his hand into the SEXY satchel, eyes shifting wildly from side to side as the task is completed. He pulls his hand out, filled with what he sees are pamphlets and lube.

“Damnit!” he exclaims, as he goes in for a second go.

Hearing the noise, the R.A pops his head out of the door; reminding William that quiet hours start at 10 PM but courtesy hours run all day long. William nearly shits a solid gold brick as his hand catapults out of the bag.

“Also, stay safe-- SEXY Training is at 8!” The R.A shouts as William runs down the hall, a trail of flavored dental dams in his wake.

Sources say that William will soon be making many hurried but hopefully successful trips to CVS.

Student Realizes She Is Becoming Her Grandparents Sitting at her dining room table at 6:10 one Saturday morning, drinking a cup of black coffee and doing a crossword puzzle, Anna Smith, ‘19, came to a terrible realization.

“You know how people say that as you get older you start to act more and more like your parents? Well I think that’s happening to me, except with my grandparents.”

“Now that I think about it, I can kinda see the warning signs,” said Smith’s housemate, Theresa Walker.

“A few weeks ago, she started watching Antiques Roadshow reruns and swearing that she had something like that in the basement. Not sure how that’s possible since we don’t even have a basement…”

“We used to go out all the time on the weekends, but now she just goes to bed at 8:30 every night complaining about how her joints ache,” added Smith’s other housemate, Jennifer Sanders. “She also keeps telling me the same story about how ‘back in my day’ you used to be able to go to the movies for a nickle.

Not sure what that’s all about.”

According to Walker and Sanders, the three friends used to go out to eat all the time, but now they’re embarrassed to be seen in public with Smith. “She only ever wants to go to a buffet, and, at, like, 4:45,” said Walker. “And then she complains loudly within earshot of the waiter that the mashed potatoes are ‘too spicy’,” said Sanders.

Smith’s professors have also noticed a change in her behavior. “When she’s not shouting about how she can’t hear me, she’s correcting me about what life was like ‘during the War’,” said History professor Dan Michaels. “Apparently I need to respect my elders more?”

Smith’s family has resorted to buying her a Jitterbug phone in order to keep in touch. Apparently her iPhone 6 had too many buttons. Though Smith’s little brother isn’t sure the investment was worth it: “All she does is talk about how many pills she has to take to be able to get up in the morning. It was way more entertaining watching her try to figure out Skype.”

Yesterday, Smith was spotted leaving her apartment in a bathrobe and hair curlers to get the morning paper. The neighbors across the street were confused: “I thought college students lived in that duplex?” one asked after he saw Smith shaking her cane at a car that was speeding down the street.

Smith has since decided to embrace her transformation. She’s looking forward to getting the senior discount during her last year at Mac. When asked about her post-graduation plans, she said she looked forward to an early retirement, planting a garden, and getting four cats. She’s also looking forward to moving to Florida: “I know a lot of folks who live down there.” But the thing she’s looking forward to the most? “Spending more time with my grandkids.”

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THE HEGEMONOCLE QUIZ!

It’s the quiz you’ve all been waiting for! The very one!

A. I’m a good listener

B. I’m kind

C. I’m funny

D. I refuse to characterize myself as there is no salient, tangible “bedrock of human kind, rather we are all transitional beings in and of ourselves

D. Actually I don’t believe in imposing unnecessary and divisive labels on society that cultivates a toxic, exclusive “us vs. them” dialogue.

A. Gryffindor

B. Hufflepuff

C. Ravenclaw

D. Time is a social construct that propagates the vile, base myth of seasons, therefore I reject the notion of their existence. The only thing that is real is our own consciousness.

A. Fall

B. Summer

C. Spring D. Ben Franklin only slept 2 hours a night so therefore -- WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? SHOW YOURSELF! -- Ahem, yes sleep is only for those weak of mind and spirit.

A. 8 AM

B. 10 am

C. Some time after 12

Tub-a-DubDub

A. A box of chocolates

B. Some bath bombs

C. Tea and a good book

D. The evils of consumerism are everywhere and capitalism has ingrained the lie within us that material goods can make us happy.

A. In Grad school

B. Starting my career

B. With a family

D. Clearly this question is irrelevant. Assuming the impending threats of nuclear war or the ever-rising sea levels haven’t destroyed us, the tenous stability of our insatiable capitalist economy will surely give way, allowing primordial chaos to ensue. In five years the world as we know it will cease to exist.

D. I . . . have no friends.

A. Fun!

B. Quirky!

C. “Intelligent”

ANSWER KEY

if you answered mostly A, give yourself a big old pat on the back because you did the quiz!

If you answered mostly B, that’s fine too, you also did the quiz!

If you answered mostly C, heck, you sure did this quiz also and that’s awful swell! if you answered mostly D, how do you sleep at night? You are an animal, a beast of the night who feeds on neighborhood cats and carries the scraps back to the rank cave where you read old magazines and scream into the darkness. Shame on you, you are dirt.

The

Hegemonocle Cartoon Carnival of Comedy 19