Volume 16, Issue 4 - The "Cloudy with a chance of Hege" Issue

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF

HEGE THE HEGEMONOCLE. VOLUME 16. ISSUE 4.

1

THE

Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 16, Issue 4 Spring 2017 The “Cloudy with a change of Hege” Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Sarah Coleman ’18 No-hah Mondschein ’18

EDITORIAL Director of Outreach Sean McDonald ’18 Head Writer Sophie Hannauer ’19 Managing Editors Danny Ochoa ’18 Thali Zikos ’18 Social Media Editor Marissa Heim ’17 Radio Editor Yafiet Bezabih ’18

DESIGN Head of Production Will Milch ’19

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Austin Parsons ‘17* Jamie Goodin ‘17* Marissa Heim ‘17 Declan Cummings ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17

Eva Larsen ’17 Crystal Yam ’17 Evan Supple ’17 Ana Diaz ’18 Alex Dzwierzynski ’19 Jacob Trout ’19

Ward Takatomo ’19 Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19 Adam Rogowski ’19 Nick Storlie ’19 Julia Joy ’20 Isabel Jenkins ’20

*editors-in-chief emeritus

SHOUT OUTS The entire ecosystem of Mac Dix Grandmas who smoke that loud Bri-Ro’s angsty beard phase The Mac Weekly for accepting how unfunny they are Russian interference in the Hegemonocle elections Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu

2

@hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2017.

A LETTER FROM THE (NEW) OVERLORDS EDITORS

Hello fair readers, Every spring the same thing happens. Two new heroic individuals take on the responsibility of leading this “wonderful” “magazine” to greatness. The transition is uncomfortable and you question the integrity of the new dictators democratically elected leaders.

Much like with your mom’s new boyfriend, you think mom is starting to settle because this guy’s facial hair (or lack thereof) is very offputting. The adjustment period is awkward and arduous and just when you feel comfortable with the leaders of this publication, they’re replaced, and the cycle continues. But not this time.

We’ve been with you this whole time. Well, excluding the class of 2017, we were a year late, but those guys are on their way out anyway. But to everyone else, we’ve always been right by your side.

As you’ve flipped through this magazine for the past three years, our quality content has been there to make you smile. You know us, you love us, you will obey have fun with us. That is our goal as we ride triumphantly towards the Golden Era of The Hegemonocle.

“But guys,” you might be saying. “How will you ever match up with the Reign of Ross and Henry? Or the Dynasty of Lydia and Tom? Or the Jamie and Austin Empire?” None of them will compare with our glorious coup totally legal acquisition of power and subsequent authoritarian regime. We have come to breathe life back into a Hege, and we have brought with us a plan for a glorious future.

So come, join us, as we march forward into progress, into prosperity, and into a new order. Welcome to The Hegemonocle.

Much love, Sarah Coleman and Noah Mondschein The Macalester Hegemonocle

3

1

Top 5 Disappointing Times my Father Came to My Recital

The night before my first recital my father snuck into my room with his long, spindly limbs. He hung from the ceiling and told me how he planned to come to my recital and sleep through the whole thing. He did come, he did sleep, and he snored loudly. This was the beginning of much disappointment.

2

One time he brought his own piano to my recital and every time I played a note so did he. His long, slender fingers pressed down and produced beautiful noise. I tried to turn it into a duet, but eventually he switched it up and started improvising. I could not keep up. At the end my teacher refused to let me bow and instead called my father to the stage. I was both a disappointment and disappointed.

3

My father befriended a young man named Patrick. My name is Patrick. He has started referring to me as “the worse one.” Patrick sleeps in my bed now, and I am forced to sleep in the large, uncomfortable dining room chair. We got rid of the couches because they scare Patrick. Father brought Patrick to my recital and I had to watch from stage as he called him “son” and gave him hugs and butterfly kisses. The name Patrick, my name, now makes me disappointed.

4

My mother has a tomato garden full of soft, ripe tomatoes. My father showed up to my recital with a basket full of these juicy treasures. I prepared myself to be pelted with them, but instead he hit everyone except me. The rest of the piano students thought I had put him up to it and I am no longer invited to the bi-monthly sand castle making event. Now I will never get the practice I need to become a professional sand castle. The future looks very disappointing.

5

Last week, my father showed up to my recital in a huff. He was wearing a long trench-coat and when he took it off he revealed that he was covered with 156 beautiful eyes. Father let out a scream and all the eyes began to bleed. I have never been more disapointed.

4

The Thoughts That Plague Me, a Small Man Trapped Inside a Large Water Balloon: 1. There is a lot of water and I’m in the water.

structural integrity of my balloon. I will deliberate and return with more data.

2. I can only see some of the children at the birthday party, but I know there are many.

8. The children have strung a small, multicolored horse up on a tree branch and have beaten it into submission. Will this be my fate?

3. I can hear the children coming closer, their sickening dumb screams echoing in my watery tomb. I do not like the children.

4. The children reek of feces and pizza, and it is palpable inside my balloon. I wish to vomit but cannot because I’m surrounded by water in a balloon. My balloon.

5. I am aware the children wish to take my balloon from me, but I do not know for what.

What vile, lecherous black magic do these foul, feces soaked giants plan to release on the planet? I tremble in my balloon.

6. The balloon is not of aesthetic value.

7. Although the balloon is mine, the water is not, and I see no in which to return the water to its owner without sacrificing the

9. The deceived masses are today captivated by the myth of success even more than the successful are. Immovably, they insist on the very ideology which enslaves them. It is this apparatus that traps us in the clenched jaws of the culture industry sucking the life from its dumb, sightless sheeple.

10. I do not believe there is anything which the children fear. I have looked into their eyes and seen only malevolence and stupidity.

And they just smile, fluid spilling out of their open, toothless grins. I hate the children.

11. The water remains problematic.

5

For the Testicle Being who has Nothing So no one told you life was going to be this way? No they fucking didn’t, because you’re an alien from the planet Xanxorborg in the dimension C-1729. It’s not your fault that your species resembles a pair of testicles. Like literally, you look like a scrotum with two giggle berries inside, just floating in the air. And not pleasant normal family jewels like the ones on Game of Thrones either. No, you look like one of those diseased varieties that a high school teacher shows her class and says “look you sluts, in addition to pregnancy and shame, this is what happens if you have sex before you get married.”

In addition to looking like a pair of walnuts inside a skin sack, your job’s a joke, you’re broke, and to top it all off, your love life’s DOA. You work a dead-end job as an accountant for a small law firm in Kansas City where they don’t pay you nearly enough. To make matters worse, you’re pretty sure your boss only hired you to get that affirmative action money. I mean who’s a bigger minority than a floating pair of balls in a sack?

In addition no girl you go on a date with ever texts you back. I guess the idea of dry humping with a giant nutsack just isn’t appealing to some people.

You know it’s kind of like you’re always stuck in second gear. Your shrink says you need to be more assertive, that you need to grow a bigger pair of cojones and get out there. You tell your shrink that somehow you don’t think that’s the problem because in addition to looking like a pair of huevos, your actual gonads that hang sort of awkwardly below you are actually quite large. So he proceeds to prescribe you anti-depressants.

So you go to the pharmacy and pick up the drugs. You then realize that you don’t have a mouth since you are a floating pair of bollocks. So you start to cry. Of course you don’t have any eyes either, so instead you just get really sweaty and salty.

It’s really never been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but you try to keep some hope. You just want someone who will be there for you when the rain starts to pour. Someone to cuddle with, who calls you her little raisins. You just want someone who will be there for you like you’ve been there before. You want some friends who will laugh at Shrek 3 with you and who you can watch the Disney Channel with. But most of all you want someone who will be there for you, because you’re there for them too.

Is that really too much for a floating testicle monster from the planet Xanxorborg in the dimension C-1729 to ask?

6

Hand fruit in Café Mac Too Intimidating I thought I was the only one who looked at those bananas and thought, come on, we’re all intellectuals here. I would stand by the toaster looking down at the display, cup my balls and gave them a little squeeze, just to let them know everything was alright. But my penis seemed to wither. And a line for the toaster formed behind me.

I began to notice women picking up a fruit in each hand and looking anxiously between them. Some would come to rest on the apple and, defeated, place the grapefruit back on the stack.

I eventually built up the courage to confront one. I walked up to a booth of three girls and, gauging their reactions, placed a banana on the table. “I completely agree,” one said. “Like I’m sure someone would enjoy that, but I look at it and I think, there’s no way.”

Looking for a last-minute summer internship?

Forgot to send in your resume? Got rejected by everything you applied for? Just realized there’s a practicum requirement for your major? Throw your hat into the ring for these last minute summer internships:

• • • •

Brian Rosenberg’s butler Professional subtweeter Therapy dogs’ therapist Economic advisor for child’s lemonade stand

• Teach lab rats how to play tiny piano • Overly invested dad at little league games • Humor magazine editor • Repaint all the letters worn off keyboards • Lifeguard at Kirk lake

• Compulsive Facebook article sharer • Sous chef to Chef Boyardee • Cafe Mac taste tester (meals not included) • Illegal movie stream tester • Impartial flip cup referee • MCSG meeting reenactor

7

HOTTEST VIDZ FROM AROUND THE WEB

HEGE PUZZLE CORNER!

WATCH THE TOP 12 CLIPS OF GRANDMAS TRYING TO GET TO THE EMOJI MENU ON THEIR TOASTERS!!! YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT NUMBER 6 DOES

Can you spot the 5 differences?

WORD SEARCH MACALESTER STUDENT TRIES TO GET AHEAD OF NEWEST TREND; BUYS CAR THAT RUNS ON HATE FROM MAC CONFESSIONS

PETITION PASSED AROUND TO BAN KYLE FROM BEING A LOUD DICKWAD IN THE LIBRARY. KYLE’S LOUD RESPONSE FROM ON TOP OF A TABLE ON THE FOURTH FLOOR HERE

8

A A A A A A A A A A a A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

A A A A A A A A A A A A

AAA

A

AAAAAAA

AAAAAAA

AAA

a

*THE SOUNDS OF MY INNER PAIN*

AAAA

GIRAFFE

AAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAA

Do NOT

Trust

Him!

Listen up. I know everyone thinks that Dr. Seuss book “Green Eggs and Ham” is all cute and shit, I know it’s hot right now, but there’s something you’ve got to understand. I’m Pete, the guy who ate those green eggs and ham, and let me tell you what old Doc Seuss said that the people weren’t ready to hear. I ate Sam I Am’s green eggs and ham and now I have food-borne giardia; do not trust that slimy fuck.

“Oh wow, Sam I Am must be so great with that red hat and shit”, NO! FUCK NO! That rancid dicked fuck machine is the sleaziest egg peddler you’ll ever have the displeasure of encountering. That godless sex weasel turns on a space heater and closes all the windows before he gets his perverse little freak on. He told me he can taste the musk, calls it “hardon monoxide”. Yeah, not so fucking cute now, huh?

“Oh man, he’s probably great with kids, right? He’s got all those wacky gadgets and fucking pointy boots and shit”, NO HE FUCKING ISN’T! I saw that motherfucker smash a 4 year old’s balls with a 5 iron. He bent over this kid, writhing in pain, screaming for his mother, and pulled out a plate of those goddamn green eggs and ham. He smiled, looked right into that child's eyes and said, “Would you eat them little Stuart? Would you eat them on life support? Eat them, eat them, won’t you sport?” Then he laid the plate gently down on a napkin and walked away fucking whistling. But no, he’s the FUN ONE! “Gee wiz, and I bet those green eggs and ham are real healthy too, probably free range and organic and they feed the pigs fucking quiche or some shit”, NO! YOU KNOW NOTHING! I’ve seen how he does it, and I see it again every night as I lay awake in bed, brimming with giardia induced diarrhea. Now you may think that pigs and chickens don’t photosynthesize, and you’d be right, but that emaciated poon demon Sam I Am just couldn't let it go. He buries these helpless live pigs neck deep in his dirt floored basement, then drowns their squeals with his rusty watering can. As he pours ice cold water down their throats he leans it to whisper, “drink it, drink it you fat fucks.” I looked in their eyes and could feel them begging me for the sweet release of death, but I was too afraid of what Sam might do to me. Please, someone find these pigs and kill them. Kill them all. I’ve seen their broken souls; fuck I’ve seen so much.

9

Goat Life Starter Pack

Students at Macalester College have long been known to turn heads with their eccentric fashion choices.

Pastel hair, facial piercings, vintage thrifted yak leather shrugs. But this spring’s newest trend is perhaps the wildest so far.

“I was feeling pretty lost, you know,” junior Samuel Billings said, gently stroking his hand woven artisanal hemp scarf, “and then I heard about the Goat Man.” In his memoir Goat Man: How I Took a Holiday from Being Human, Thomas Thwaites describes how he immersed himself in the life and mind of a goat by building himself a goat-like exoskeleton and living with goats in the Alps for six days. Billings took this approach to heart.

“I guess I was just looking for some way to distinguish myself on campus. I mean I already got a piercing that goes through both nostrils and my septum, but here that’s just not enough,” said Billings. “Then I started dressing up as a goat and living exclusively off of grass and puddle water and now I feel so unique. Also I’m saving tons of money,” he added.

“Goat living is really the most sustainable way to live. I’m on an all local grass, raw vegan diet and my droppings are great fertilizer,” said Suzanne Mendelson, a sophomore who’s recently begun following the trend.

One student, Amy Foresworth ‘20, is taking it even further. “I’m submitting my goat-life experience as performance art for the creative section of my veggie co-op application along with a sick recipe for loamkentucky bluegrass raw casserole with clay aioli”, she said, munching on a twig.

When Brian Rosenberg was asked about the trend he said, “I’ve learned to stop caring about the weird antics students get up to here. I just wish they’d stop shitting on my lawn.”

10

ITS head David Sisk attempting to capitalize on becoming on-campus meme with new fashion line.

With an increasing presence on campus, David Sisk is attempting to cash in on this newfound fame with a product line based on his personal brand. Sisk has reportedly placed his entire life savings into this endeavor, creating products ranging from SiskTM visors to SiskTM frisbees to SiskTM collars for therapy dogs. Sisk will reportedly be attempting to sell these items before campus wide interest dies over the summer, so watch for him and his wares outside of the CC this week. Get all the SiskTM merchandise you can carry before it’s too late!

The SiskTM Frisbee $30.02

The SiskTM Water Bottle $52.44

The SiskTM Phone Charger $82.82

The SiskTM T-Shirt $17.50

4. You make m es covered couch w it on the spit hile you me strangl e me gle 1. You stran 5. When I am at m e “ to e I els am stra work you tex 2. You ask someone t ngling you are you” bu strangle me n’t t 6. After 3. You come into my room and y show up ou text me tha spit all over the couch ty a strangl t my office and ou e me

Things you, MY ROOMMATE, do that annoy me:

7. You spi

t all over

my boss

8. My bos s st (unrelated rangles me )

9. You str angle my boss and i a fit of ra n ge he stra ngles me

ieved your 10. You have ach llow in goals while I wa g to work only mediocrity, goin e to masturbate m o h o g n ca I so happy and re a u o y , u o y t n I rese am small full of spit and I h your mouth 11. You chew wit tion it you en m I en h W . en op strangle me

11

Psychedelic Mold found in Cafe Mac Meatloaf draws crowds In recent culinary news, students brave enough to try the suspiciously textured meatloaf in Cafe Mac discovered the unmistakable fuzziness of mold marbled in between the unidentifiable gristle and shreds of abandoned hair nets. While those foolhardy enough to look closely at Cafe Mac food quickly disposed of the offending dish, some more trusting students led to an even more important discovery when they promptly began tripping balls, hardcore.

While the discovery that the meatloaf was laden with psychedelic mold was met with dismay by the initial wave of lame ass square 5pm diners who hadn’t scheduled “intense psychotropic experience” on their G-Cal, by the time students with actual friends showed up at 6, the line for South stretched further than the Grille line at noon on a Saturday. Students rushing back to their tables to get a taste of transcendence were forced to step over the bodies of their twitching peers before scarfing down the fuzzy meat and sliding down off their seats and joining them in a haze of colors and loss of limb control. At closing, Cafe Mac workers ended up donning the rubber boots traditionally used to clean out the pig pens to drag tripping stragglers out of the campus dining establishment.

However, the event did draw its fair share of criticism, and not just on Mac Confessions.

Students who had simply used a meal swipe at the Grille felt even more left out than usual, and used the occasion to attempt to push their agenda for an expanded meal swipe menu. Similarly, there was an outcry by the vegetarian and vegan segment of the student body, who argued that once again, Cafe Mac was not meeting its needs by failing to providing a meat free, psychotropic laden alternative to the meatloaf.

Administration responded to the meatloaf by offering Highlander gift cards as reparations for any possible irreparable brain damage caused by the event. Despite many students having trouble regaining control of their limbs as late as a week after the event, the culinary extravaganza is already shaping up to be the highlight of the school year.

12

Hege Safari File :

Fun Facts About White Tailed Deer • Their special stomachs allow them to eat certain things that humans can’t, such as poison ivy and mushrooms.

This is why deers are always tripping balls. They love it.

• They make a great percussion sound when they jump in front of your car on a poorly lit highway in the middle of rural Wisconsin.

• Natural predators of deer tend to hunt by ambush or extended chase. While giving chase, bobcats are known to shout that the deer has dropped its wallet, striking when the deer looks back momentarily just in case he really did.

• White-tailed deer mating consists of an ejaculatory thrust which takes place during a brief copulatory jump. This is why deer are known as the one-pump chump of the forest.

• Mature bucks also emit a grunt-snort-wheeze pattern, unique to each animal, that asserts its dominance, much like white guys in bars.

• Texas is home to the most white-tailed deer of any U.S. state or Canadian province, with an estimated population of over four million. They all voted for Gary Johnson.

• The white-tailed deer raises its tail when it is alarmed to warn the predator that it has been detected. This is deerspeak for “not today fucker, look at my asshole instead”.

• Some deer markings are so strong they can be perceived by the human nose. It smells like stale bong water.

13

Disillusioned First Year Attends First “Progresso Party” Eager to gain notoriety on campus and attract potential players, the Men’s Rugby team hosted a three stop Progresso Party last Saturday Night.

Said Sophomore Liam Trout: “You know, it feels like the frisbee and football teams have Progressos every other weekend, and I’ve been to at least three this year for CHEEBA alone and so we figured--why not have a rugby Progresso?”

The Progresso featured seven types of soup ranging from a light, lemony, parsley-infused avgolemono to a hearty beef tip chili topped with a saltine garnish, and was considered by most to be a deliciously successful event.

One first year identifying himself only as “Angus,” however, was not so impressed by the savory evening.

“What the fuck is a Progresso anyway? It makes no sense, is it just a party with soup? I just don’t get it.”

While his fellow first years were eagerly facing such Progresso hazing classics as the two story soup-bong or “stew stands” out of the 12 gallon clam chowder keg, Angus was seen drinking vodka in the corner and frequenting the bathroom. “My heart just wasn’t in it” Angus revealed in an email— “Everybody had their own can opener—what the fuck kind of school is this?”

By the end of the Progresso several team members and first years alike were seen passed out amid jagged cans of Chicken Noodle Soup and Jalapeño Cheddar, noses dusted with fine cracker dust--but the night did not end there.

At 3:37 in the morning Senior David Matthews was pulled over while driving several team members home.

Police reports allege that his blood sodium content was three times the legal limit at the time of the arrest, and eye-witness reports have Matthews slurping on a half-filled Chunky Gumbo as the cops approached his car, belly distended and shirt stained, exhibiting the textbook signs of a soup binge.

“I guess I just didn’t think this is what college was gonna be like. Sure, I expected the peer pressure, just never really soup-related. I thought that the Bisque Bash Spring Sampler was just a one off quirk when I visited... They were playing beer pong with soup cans...I just, I think I just need some time to adjust.”

Until then rugby practices will be held every Tuesday and Thursday evening from 5-7 pm at Ramsey Middle School. Tell your friends.

14

Local Dad Arrested At Minnesota Zoo For Putting New Balances On Every Animal APPLE VALLEY, MN -- This past Saturday, local father Doug Withers was arrested in the dead of night at the Minnesota Zoo’s American Bison exhibit. When authorities arrived on the scene, five of the seven shaggy ungulates were sporting brand new New Balance sneakers, and Withers was preparing to dress the sixth.

“As a New Balance aficionado myself, I appreciated what the suspect was trying to do for these animals,” said police officer and father of four Mark Bortly. “But it’s technically trespassing and there are regulations against dressing zoo animals, even in limited edition colorways.”

By the time Withers was apprehended, he had made his way through every exhibit, leaving behind a trail of sneaker-sporting animals.

Even the Asian Small Clawed Otters were modeling J Crew X New Balance Espresso-Inspired 997 Cortados.

Animals which operate under complex hierarchies, such as the wedge-capped capuchins, are reported to have devolved into chaos with the addition of shoes to their lives.

“These monkeys really can’t deal with this at all,” said local animal behaviorist Melinda Donnell. “Now that their movement capability has been equalized, there’s nothing but hubris in that exhibit.”

From jail, Withers was adamant about the value of his mission.

“You won’t believe how good these creatures are at walking now,” he said. “There’s no doubt in my mind that these animals appreciated the ADZORB cushioning and the support and durability provided by the ENCAP midsole technology.”

15

MAC 2017

CLOUDY WITH A ZERO PERCENT CHANCE OF EMPLOYMENT

16

facebook.com/hegemonocle twitter.com/hegemonocle